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Show Re-cap For Thursday 1/17/2013

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One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

One of these guys had a catheter in his dick for 3+ years!

Thursday, star date: 1.17.2013 Would you want a man’s ass hanging on a wall in your home, if so, what would you do with it? Come on, you know what you’d do with it, don’t ya. You little dirty birdy. Tully is tired of his @possiblytully twitter name and is looking for something new. Before we could really get some suggestions going, a guest walked into the studio. Enter, Johnny Knoxville and him giving Ellis some praise and talking about he and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the movie The Last Stand. He also spoke of some past issues with fucking (people other than his wife) and the therapy he believes helps him with his issues. Knoxville also revealed that he didn’t really start jacking off until he was about 19 years-old, he tried at the ripe age of 14, but then dropped out for about 5 years. He wasn’t on very long, but was a good guest nonetheless. According to a doctor at Harvard University, us humans are infested with tiny versions of this spawn from hell.

It's fucking oozing ranch!

It’s fucking oozing ranch!

In little bitch news, some little 4 year-old girl had a mouth full of metal teeth for awhile like Jaws, the James Bond villain. Apparently she went in for a few cavities and came out a goddamned thug with major street cred, however, she didn’t want them shits so now she’s got her grill all fixed up like normal. In Australia news, this dude went to Subway and posted a picture of his 11 (not 12) inch sandwich, spurring others to measure their sandwiches, low-and-behold, nobody got a real fucking footlong from Subway. Speaking of sandwiches, some tranny named Eva Lin (?) that was in the studio had another tranny’s fist and arm in her ass, up to the elbow! Holy meatball sub, Batman! Next, it was time for a game called “Dick Chicken”, but first – we needed music for it. So the guys set forth making some nice tunes (containing no lame licks) to put everyone in the mood – or at least put Rawdog in the mood to be caught jerking off by his gay roommate. Basically, here’s how the game goes, the tranny pulls out her dick and starts to walk towards a blindfolded contestant. The contestant has to guess when to say “stop” before the tranny dick hits them in the face. Who lost? Rawdog, of course. And for losing, he got to put on lipstick and kiss Cumtard’s ass – like a lot.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

This is how I like to picture you truck drivers listening to the show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber got another new tattoo, it’s Roman numerals for 1975 – for the year his mom was born. Skrillex had a birthday, with cake & candles & his hair on fire. Kourtney Kardashian said she’s super excited for her sister Kim to use her tits to feed both of their children. Britney Spears might be headlining in Vegas as hotel chains are in bidding wars to get her act at their shithole. Charlie Sheen is going to be a grandfather, from his 28 year-old daughter he had with some chick back in his high school days. Jason Statham might be ending his relationship with some stupid hot bitch, apparently he’s been partying it up and she’s mad at him for it. Michael Lohan said his daughter, Lindsay, is not a hooker – which is probably true, I’m sure she just fucks a lot. Jodie Foster made a speech at some awards ceremony and pretty much confirmed that she is indeed a lesbian, was anyone really surprised? Anyway, gay and straight people both found a way to have a problem with what she said and/or didn’t say. It’s kinda like your mom, nobody is ever satisfied with her, she’s just a cum receptacle. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 1/8/2013

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Is this what you imagine when Rawdog is just about to climax and his gay roommate comes home?

It’s Tuesday and so far Sirius XM Online player is working! Yay! Ellis still might have worms, he went to the doctor today to get his blood tested, only time will tell. He’ll either shit out some worms, chew someone’s face off, spew chunks, or none of that. Tully has his own porn viewing standards, and those standards do not include annoying porn dudes that look like jerks, loud, obnoxious bitches that yell a lot while getting banged, etc. Jude stopped in to give his feelings on pills, slapping bitches, and making them eat off the floor. He told us of having a chick over that wanted to get spanked, but he wanted her to do chores, so he took it easy on her until she finished doing his laundry. Now that’s one classy motherfucker! He says he (and she) feel a little dead inside after their done with the humiliation session, but one has to imagine that going into a k-hole takes all that away. The guys moved on to rub-n-tug massage parlors and the various experiences they’ve had. Jude is on a first name basis with most of the bitches working those joints, Ellis has only done it a few times, Rawdog would rather have someone touch his dick that is in love with him, and Tully found out he likes to Yelp rub-n-tug massage parlors. Hey, ladies, good news according to a female caller! Sounds like you can get happy endings from massage parlors as well, you just gotta get so wet you leave visual evidence so the masseuse can tell what kind of mood you’re in.

Canadians don't lock their doors, American's didn't lock their doors until the lock was invented.

Canadians don’t lock their doors, American’s didn’t lock their doors until the lock was invented.

We got a “Canadians Am I Right?” segment today, topping the scales was a story of a stolen outhouse with a $500 Canadian Tire reward for anyone with information on the severely missed shit hut. There were some more stories, but no pictures, because Canada doesn’t have camera’s. People draw on the walls of their igloos and inside caves. Did you know Rawdog used to hitchhike in Santa Cruz? He’s been in cars with “some guy” that would take him home from school, sounds a little suspect and a whole lot of crazy. Since you didn’t know that, I assume you also didn’t know there are 17 billion planets similar in size and shit to Earth, just in our solar system! “DANG!”, said Jebus. Does that mean life on Earth is an accident? Does it mean that there is for sure got to be more life out there than just us? Or does it mean that Rawdog does indeed hear his father’s speech impediment and is just bullshitting everyone when he says he does not hear it. Guess what else the Lord gave us today? That’s right, NMT. Word (bullshit or not) is that David Bowie was a nobody until the moon landing and his manager convinced someone that British TV should play his “Space Oddity” song during the televised moon landing, and then Bowie blew the fuck up. Well Bowie released some piece of lullaby shit and we got to hear part of it, and just before everyone fell asleep, Rawdog introduced some Dropkick Murphys. Word (bullshit or not) is that Cullen instantly got a boner and went straight into the bathroom to take care of it. Jason Newsted has a new album out with his band, either the album, the band, or both are aptly and creatively named, “Newstead.” If you wanna check the rest of NMT out, you can go to The Ultimate Playlist.

Just calling it like we see it.

Just calling it like we see it.

Kevin Garnett allegedly said Carmelo Anthony’s wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios. I’m not so sure that was meant as an insult, them bitches are pretty fuggin’ tasty, jack. Now let’s calm it down and release some of that angry frustration that just got dropped on us by the Honey Nut Cheerios remark. It’s MMA trivia time, with Ellis reading the questions and Tully and Rawdog trying to answer correctly. Tully eked out a narrow victory over Rawdog, and all was right in the world again. Speaking making things right in the world, your mom was feeling sick and one of her hooker friends suggested she gargle with mouthwash to help kill the germs, problem was, you’re mom is so poor she can’t afford mouthwash. In her quest for mouthwash, she finds this broke ass Eskimo lady that’s always sitting in the park drinking Listernine, because she can’t afford real alcohol. She asks the Eskimo lady if she have just a shot, the poor lady says, “I’m sorry, but I’ve drank it all already, but I drink enough that I bet I’ve got something that will work.” Excited, your mom responded, “That would be great! What is it?” The Eskimo lady hands her a cup of what looks like coagulated blood and tells your mom to just gargle and then slam it real quick, and she does. Your mom gagged and nearly puked all over the place, she asked, “What the hell was that? That was horrible!” The Eskimo lady says to your mom, “What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can’t gargle with sand.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 1/7/2013

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You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

Fucking Monday, oh how we all hate thee – you suck shit, Monday. Sincerely, the World. Guess what else sucks shit? If you said the Sirius XM Online player, you would be correct! Neither the new player or the basic player worked today, so unless you were in a vehicle, have a portable player, or can get on ellismania.com – you didn’t get to hear the show. Fucking shit ass, ass shits. Ellis confirmed that there are going to be no replays, at least any time soon. You can send him hate mail if you like, but it’s not going to change anything. However, he might get on the Rawdog Comedy channel for 1 hour by himself before the show to fill the gap. Tully came bearing incredibly late Christmas gifts today! For Ellis, a beanie he had made from the ass skin of babies, which of course is the softest material known to mankind. Ellis is thinking about growing a long-ass ZZ Top beard and increasing the roids. I think… I don’t know, I missed it because of this bitch ass, ass bitch online player. Rawdog sculpted his guns at the gym today, showed off his weird black hair triceps, and possibly may not be wearing underwear. Ellis went to watch some moto this weekend, said hi to some fans, stayed away from Carey, the chick married to that dude Pink because apparently some of his/her friends don’t like Ellis.

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

We got some Loutallica from Lou himself reading from some coffee table book of porn shit, which sounded a lot like my reading of erotic fiction during final calls, except with way more anal topics. I suppose that would make it Analtallica. Slaughter houses are killing live animals at a rate of 1 animal every 5 seconds or so, for 8 hours a day. So if a cow and a butcher both left Chicago on a train bound for New York, what time would they both get there if the train conductor was slaughtered? Would you be willing to spend more money on grass fed beef? I don’t know what that has to do with the price of fruit in Puerto Rico since they’ll still be slaughtered and eaten, but there’s an argument for somebody in there. Lance Armstrong may be contemplating his admission of using steroids, and I can’t think of anyone who really cares anymore. NFL quiz time with Tully, and renowned sports fanatic and Native American, Rawdog, lead off with an accidentally correct answer. Ellis and Rawdog traded mostly wrong answers back and forth until everyone just stopped keeping track of who had the most correct answers, the fans were declared the real winner’s here. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Rawdog and his sister both had worms when they were younger and had to take pills to shit out a pile of putrid shit snakes. Yucky. He just remembers his butthole itching and feeling something wriggling around tickling his balloon knot and then had to take medicine. How they both got worms is a doggy butthole licking mystery for the ages.

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Hollywood news, and this time it’s not about JizzCult, it was about pictures of Justin Bieber allegedly smoking that sticky icky (ooh, ooh!) with some Smurfed out rapper named Lil Twist. Tully, best known for stalking Danzig, is now stalking Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Once again, he saw their nanny and them some place and is now just working up the courage to say “wassup” to his latest victims friends. Al Roker admitted he straight up sharted his pants while visiting the White House and had to go commando for the rest of the visit. Somebody broke up with somebody, I couldn’t pay attention because the only thing running through my brain was Al Roker shitting his Fruit of the Looms. George Clinton from P-Funk had to fork over the rights to a few of his songs because he owes the man. Matt Damon, Michael Douglas, and Steven Soderbergh had to shop their “gayer than Brokeback Mountain” movie about Liberace to HBO because they were the only people who would carry it. Josh Brolin got bro-rested for being piss drunk in bro-lic and Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced from The Joker and she gets half his shit just like that moon whore planned from the get go. Michael J. Fox is shaking (get it?!) things up with a new show about a newscaster with Parkinson’s – isn’t it funny how life imitates art?

Joanna Angel stopped by the show to do another round of sexy impressions with Rawdog. Instead of Santa and Mel Gibson, this time it was Kim Kardashian (Rawdog) and Lil Jon (Joanna) gettin’ freaky deaky on the dance floor. Final calls time, and once again, we all get to breathe a sigh of relief that we’re not as stupid as the dude that called thinking he was talking to Cumtard and warning everyone about McDonald’s. Another caller tried to pitch him some softballs to make him look less dumb, but he just wasn’t getting it. We’re used to stupid though, after all, we’ve shoved so much shit into your mom’s pussy hole that it’s like a clown car at a circus in Germany. OH!