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Show Re-cap For Friday 11/16/2012

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Never say never goodbye again die? I don’t know, I don’t care, hell it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck! Ellis got his mouth busted up by Katie. No, she wasn’t looking for another prostate access, Ellis was teaching her to uppercut and unbeknownst to him, she uppercutted him. The tranny in the A6K went out, the transmission, not the she-male in the back seat. Ellis might sell it to a listener but he doesn’t know yet. Rawdog spent the entire afternoon yesterday at Jason’s house doing “things.” He was filming an episode of “Doing Things With Rawdog” for ellismania.com. Some of the things he did was an Ollie, baked a cake, and put in a tampon. After that Ellis was wondering where he should take his kids. Lego Land sounded cool, Chuck E Cheese is close, but Vegas, Vegas has everything a kid could want. Roller coasters, great food, arcades, strip clubs. Good times. Then the great debate began of what truck Ellis should buy. Chevy? Ford? Dodge? Only time will tell.

Somebody sent Ellis a skate video called Magical. And in Hollywood News, Justin Bieber is still gash smashin Selena Gomez, somebody didn’t use their teet in a sex scene, ironically Lindsay Lohan suck dick in Liz & Dick, and there’s some shit with the Kardshians. Pen Jillette came into the studio and was talking about his pot advocacy stance, balls, knees to the balls, passing out from strikes to the balls, and vasectomies. Oh, and he also recommended that Rawdog drink blue Gatorade before he deep throat the equine equipment.

Apparently IKEA is selling furniture made by imprisoned people from 40 years ago. Some lady has a demonized toaster. And this chick thought that the higher she gets, the skinnier she gets. Which led us to another epic installment of “Women, Am I Right?” There were too many to mention but I highly recommend listening to the replay. If your a fatty then today is a day of mourning after hearing the news that Hostess is dissolving its company. Not much happened in the show after this point. Probably because nobody gives a fuck. It’s the rule. Girls can be married and still bi, but dudes can’t. Some fat dudes stole shit from Walmart in their fat folds. Canada thinks they’re tough shit with all their ice and geese and hockey. Ellis revealed that he talked to his brother Lee. And somehow the conversation turned to being a gay prostitute. Final calls weren’t much better. Shit about eating dinosaurs, green cards, Chevy trucks, fat chicks birthdays, hot shots, protien bars, and some dude doing beat box. Just shows how old I am, when I was growing up the “beat box” was just yer mum, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 11/2/2012

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Wooh it Friday! Are you coming out hot, because I’m coming out hot! But you don’t need to be hot, just be your sexy sexy self. Its Friday and the re-cap is late but I don’t give a fuck, neither should you, at least until tomorrow then the fuck giving shall continue. Ellis and Tully said that people with hair need to compliment the bald on the shape of their heads, but what about the rest of unlucky bastards that just have that receding shit, nice forehead? Fuck. Eva Lovia (@MissEvaLovia) called in today to give the Wing some shit about standing her up for a Halloween party. Turns out she is a Girl on Girl porn star and takes the cock on the side. They started talking about some prop in Cali about condoms and dental dams but I was too busy thinking about her doing her thing to really pay attention. This brought up jobs that are more dangerous than porn, like being a trucker, or a lineman, or ice fisherman, or firefighter, or yer mums gynecologist. All of these are really difficult and dangerous jobs and respect to the men and women that put their lives on the line to get the job done. Tully once dated a chick with the herps and also banged her, but only once and with protection, courtesy of Ziplock. Turns out she got married and now lives happily with his and herpes. I was there, yer mum was outbreak free and loving it. I know its kinda early in the recap to put in yer mum jokes but fuck you, its my recap and it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck.

Marie Antoinette loved to eat pie and told all the people to lick the pie also. Then they make glasses from her titties. That is all true because it is on the internet now and everything on the internet is true. Our beloved Christian J Hand drove 45 minutes to ask some chick out. Oh, did I mention that this chick is the one and only Adrianne Curry (@AdrianneCurry). Fist bumps for you sir, and a bum pat from us here at NoYouAre, we know you could do it kid. There have been rumors throughout history about people having to get their stomach pumped from ingesting too much semen. I’m here to set the record straight and tell you that Rod Stewart, John Bon Jovi, The New Kids on the Block, Lil Kim, Yer Mum, or Alanis Morrisette have ever had load pumped from their stomachs. They just keep it in there like a pro and wait for it to pass. Cee Lo was accused of drugging some girl and then having his way with her, but this is false, according to reliable sources, me. But I don’t know shit so carry on. Are you rich? Probably not, but if you were you should give a bunch of money to Charity or Selena, which ever stripper you liked the best because that shit ain’t gonna last forever.

They guys did the Unsigned Bands segment again and here are a few that were played.

Pivot – Doesn’t suck, especially if you are into Coheed and Cambria

Hell Pie – Sounds like Dave Mustaine drunk off his balls

Black Milk For Dead Virgins – If you can get ast the name they actually don’t sound that bad.

Odd Estrada – The band is good but the singer ruined it for me.

Arrival of Autumn – Again the singer fucked the band

Livy High – Just watch the video.

The Wild – Good Rock a Billy sound, here’s the video.

Dirty Twig – Uplifting song that will make you feel better about your life. Here’ the video.

If you are an unsigned band and want The Jason Ellis Show to play your crap music then email them at EllisParodies@gmail.com.

 

ABC is doing a benefit concert for the victims of Hurricane Sandy and it will also be simulcasted on SiriusXM, Channel 20, 112, and 117. Now back to fart jokes. There was a resturant delivery truck in China that got pulled over and to everyone’s suprise they found cats, lots of cats. Apparently they were all out of rats and dogs. Pigs are as smart as a five year old, but taste way better. Tully did Women, Am I Right? again today and we learned that pregnant zombies chicks can’t hold their booze, If your a chick in Dubai, get out! Yer mum might try to axe murder you for playing Nickleback, some chick wants a fish memorial on the highway, if your car is on fore and you own a vagina you should pull into a gas station, and all in all, we learned that women are just fucking crazy, pound for pound. The secret is finding the less crazy ones. Drinking hand sanitizer will get you fucked up but if you butt chug it then your dad will have to poop into your butthole to make it work again. Urologists are all creepy bastards that sing about wieners while touching yours. Paint ballers can take 15 balls a second to the face. That’s not real impressive when you consider that yer mum can take 15 balls a second to the face and still be able to work the shaft, OH!

 

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/24/2012

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Time to stretch the fingers and pound out my first re-cap after the break. Ariel Helwani (@arielhelwani) is the dude that interviewed Jason “Mayhem” Miller when he “acted” crazy. Well he interviewed Mayhem again and this time Jason explained that he was in character and that he pulled a prank on Ariel. Either way Mayhem doesn’t seem like his usual crazy self. This is a different kind of crazy. Ellis wants to help but he thinks that Mayhem needs to hit bottom to fully accept it. On a lighter note, after being on the radio for 4 hours, Ellis finds it hard to have conversations with other people and is worried about becoming the creepy radio guy. If I do anything for 4 hours chances are I don’t want to do it more. Except buttchugging, there’s always room for buttchugging, literally. Is Ellis been more negative than usual? Nope, he’s actually about the same, he seems to go through phases of negative then mellow. According so some, he just needs more Kit Cope in his life. Okay according to Kit he does but according to his legs they are fine without more Kit. Ellis said that he is still realing from divorce, mainly with his time with his kids but things are getting better. Jude graced us with his urban presence and told about his appearance on Ricki Lake (a favor for his home girl/producer) talking about his bathroom attendant job and letting dudes rent them for blow and well, blow. If ya know what I mean. He had to share the stage with some dumb ass bartender, slash failed actor, slash douche canoe. If you weren’t keeping up you might have missed the subtle segways that lead to chaffed nipples, racist movies, shitty black movies, and the difference between good and bad skin heads. Here’s a hint, look for the swastika head tattoos or the blood of minorities on their hands, its all in the subtleties.

You can now vote for the 2nd annual Reverse Awards! And remember, vote now and vote often. New producer Valerie came into the studio today. She is Jason’s friend from way back who doesn’t want to bang him, which is probably why they are still friends. We learned a lot about Valerie today. Important bits of information like, dudes shouldn’t use LOL or emoticons, Valerie will give you her number unless your a bum, she won’t jack you off in the middle of the day for fixing her car, blow jobs don’t get her wet, she is a selfish masturbator, she doesn’t like huge dicks ( because she’s little), she was with little wiener dude who was nice guy but too embarassed to slip her the cocktail weenie,  and she has assburgers syndrom a little so don’t get upset when she laughs after you tell her about your tiny package. Tully brought in some Japanese butthole cakes that tasted like seaweed which explains why the Japanese are all so skinny, I wouldn’t eat anything either if it all looked and tasted like ass.

Valerie and Jason shared some Jake Brown stories. Tales of DJ Blackout on a party bus, that he requested, pissing everywhere with his one friend, the time he got kicked out of EllisMania, snuck back in to finish DJing, and then his adventures pub crawling through Hollywood with his pants around his ankles partying with EllisFam. And who could forget the time he kicked out windows at a party, ahhh good times. A girl called in who lost her virginity to Ellis in ’98 and she said it was his accent that got her all hot and bothered. From all of us here at noyouare, a celebratory chest bump for the Wing!

In medical news, sugar makes you dumb or some shit, I can’t remember. Carbonated beverages give girls strokes but not dudes so that sucks for the ladies. In everyday celebrity bullshit,  Magic Johnson is getting sued by his liquorice squeezing assistant who can’t get a god damn turkey sandwich on time, Chris Brown gets pulled over for doing something stupid as usual, and Fifty Cent got t-boned by some chick having a stroke

Don’t forget the taint region!

because she can’t put down the fucking soda. Then there was some political talk that I zoned out on which then brought us to Final Calls. Final Calls were quite educational today, for instance, don’t Nair your balls, it burns like a thousand blowtorches upon your taint, instead shave them like a man, in the mirror, with one leg up on the counter. Don’t do drugs but if you do consult a physician to make sure you can handle it, or just say fuck it and drink lots of water, you only live once. If your trying to lose weight keep at it, just like yer mum, she recently lost 15 pounds after the load that was impacted in her colon fell out, OH!

A Girls First Time

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As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

What were you thinkin you sick bastid!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/11/2012

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Its the Birthday re-cap. Not my birthday, it’s the other Jason’s birthday, the Australian Jason. Illness is still running rampant throughout the Swinghouse and it seems that the Tussin Baby has caught a bit of the sniffles, most likely from Tully. Speaking of Tully, he saw a black and a white gay buddy criminal team get arrested in the front of the studios on his way in. Like a modern day Billy & Clyde. Tasmanian Devils are rough lovers and they are extinct, except for the ones that are still alive, other wise they are all dead from disease. I blame the Herpes Badger, that motherfucker don’t give a shit, he gives Herpes. Ellis is going to be test driving some new dirt bikes while on vacation and says he needs a kidney belt so his 41 year old guts won’t get busted up so bad. Ellis watched a fairy mermaid barbie movie with Devin and was laughing at them tripping balls on some berries. I have seen this movie a number of times (I have 3 daughters, give me a fucking break) and also laugh at the “berries,” guess that was a little less obvious than shrooms. The guys talked a bit about the Hogan sex tape and the long of the short of it is whoever released that shit is fucked up. Nellie’s bus got busted in Sierra Blanca, Texas. You know the town that every tour bus has to go through even though they know they’re gonna get fuck with. Dumb asses.

Baby got back for days and days and days and days and days and days and days and…you get the fucking point.

There was a news story about an 1100lb woman. I’m not sure of the details because I can’t get past the fact that she weighs that much! How does she poop? Is it smelly? Does someone shave her cookie for her? Here’s the story if your more interested than me. Do you like noodles? I fucking love noodles, but not as much as this kid. Here’s the “I want my noodles”video sent in by bitPimps. An Australian man got kicked out of bar for having the worst mullet ever. I don’t think it’s the worst I’ve ever seen, but he ain’t no Billy Ray either. Zack Efron gets pissed on by Nicole Kidman in new movie, not sure what else to say about this, better than a story about a dudes mullet that’s fo sho! A guy called in to talk about his double baloney amputee girlfriend and how she is awesome in skating and snowboarding and other awesome shit. Ellis might have her on the show, hopefully that will be a cool interview to listen to. The guys then turned their attention tho politics and government, then the Libertarian party and their no taxes idea, and with no taxes there’s no laws so fuck it, let’s PARTAY! WWED? What would Ellis do; relationship advise. A dude is bored with his girlfriend, Jason says to dress as a dog and a nurse and fuck, Tully says to cheat, that shit works every time, what can go wrong.

see, he likes it.

Surprise, it’s Jagar Beard for a special appearance. I’m not going to spoil too much but this is defiantly worth listening to and I have one of those faces that people can trust. Ellis bought Thomas Hayden Church’s Porsche, good for him. Malice @Malice666Mcmunn (Katies friend) came into the studio today. She told us delightful stories about how she was abused, bounced from foster home to foster home, had an abusive mother, a drug habbit, and how she fisted her friend with rubber gloves on  because her friend was a dirty whore. She’s also a self proclaimed cougar and if your a young dude on the streets she might just pull you inter her rape wagon and have her way with you and then you can write to Penthouse and tell them all about it. Malice is on Instagram at malicexxx and says she loves Instagram because its all asses and babies. It’s like, awwww, ooooh, awwwwww, ohhhhh. They played Jagar Beard’s survival quiz and all I really got from it is in any situation you need to zig zag while cooking grass hoppers with ants in your cookie while acting like Andy Dick. Do you know what you should do if yer mum starts to run at you suddenly? Nothing, she can’t run with all that dried up jizz making her thighs stick together, OH!