2013

Posted on November 27, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Rawdog’s still not there. Talk about changing the show intro. I can see you’re deep in thought.

Welcome to the thing. The last show & recap for this week, right before the Thanksgiving holidays coma for us Americans. Before getting into the show, let’s go ahead and quickly address what’s on everyone’s mind. No, Rawdog is not there today. Yesterday, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis just said he wanted to take some time off and that’s all he knows. Then today, a caller asked where he’s been and Ellis said he’s taken a leave of absence and may never be back. As the show intro was playing, apparently Ellis also said they have to get a new intro and that they should change it anyway. What does all that mean? I don’t know, read into that what you will. But it isn’t looking good. Moving on, Shoebox is in studio today. Ellis was gonna go to the gym today, but he had a vibe and went with it, so he went to the beach instead. While he and Katie and Burger were there, some random people were taking pictures of them. Ellis wants a little bit of side burns tattoo, not mutton chops a la Danzig or anything, but just a touch of knife burns.

Whose gonna blow me? Anyone? Anyone?

Hey stalkers! Wilson revealed that he and Christian live about a block from each other, so get your stalker maps out, make sure you have the proper tools, and you might want to look at a larger kill room. Everyone thinks Wilson is from Germany, some people yell things at him, other’s give him a nod & a wink, and superhero’s look at him in awe. Four years ago the police busted Chewbacca and Elmo in a drug ring in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater, some people got shot, and a woman tourist got stabbed for not giving some homeless, crazy fucker a dollar. So if you’ve been planning to take a vacation to Hollywood to hob nob with the stars, you might wanna think twice about that because you’re basically going to pay for a trip to see and smell piss and shit and crushed dreams and if you’re lucky, you’ll only get robbed and shot once instead of multiple times. According to Mr. Hand, there’s also a “boys town” part of Hollywood that’s well known for a gay scene and getting a blowjob in 45 seconds or less. Beats Dominoes I guess.

Just cuz I’m white doesn’t mean I can’t get down to some Bone Thugs.

Did you know beer is better for you than Coke? It sounds just ridiculous enough that I can believe it. High-fructose corn syrup was invented by Satan and it is in pretty much fucking everything you eat and drink and it’s gonna kill you, probably tomorrow. The guys talked about old school ads for cigarettes, where doctors were advocating a certain brand of cigarette over the other, you know, because they care about your health and not the loot lining their pockets. But enough with the doom and gloom, it’s time for Bone Thugs‐n‐Harmony to come serenade us with super quiet “I’m high as hell” inside voices. It was hard to hear some of the Bones because they were so quiet. It almost felt like I was a hot chick and they were trying to run game on me or something, all suave and shit. They talked about their upcoming show tonight, how tight they are, and how they’re so tight they don’t know who in their group is married and who isn’t. They don’t go around smackin’ people in the grill anymore because they don’t wanna get shot, which I say is wise life choice. But don’t get flip the script and get it all mixed up, if you step, they’ll squash beef and cave in teef. They just want them and their fans to go out and have a good time, they try to steer clear of drama, Unless you count the time one of them got shot in the head. Or the time one of them accidentally shot the other one. And not the time one of them got kidnapped as a child along with his 3 sisters and found by John Walsh from America’s Most Wanted. For sure not the time when a dead body got dropped off in front of one their homes. You know, it’s your typical wholesome story that could be part anyone’s childhood. All joking aside, it was a great interview and they had some interesting stories.

Breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is on iTunes now. Breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Google Play Music and is already #1 in the Metal section. Breaking, breaking, breaking news time. Big Fucking Mega Boat is also on Amazon and is already a #1 seller in the Hard Rock & Metal section. You should go buy a copy like I did. All the cool kids are doing it, you wanna be one of the cool kids, right? Well, don’t come running to me when people start making fun of your music library for not having Big Fucking Mega Boat. Breaking, breaking, breaking, breaking news time. It’s time to pass out the 2013 Yoko’s in this year’s Reverse Awards! Here are your categories and your winners:

Sorry winners of a Yoko. This is the reverse awards.

Best Religion: Scientology
Best Jingleberries Member: Bryan “Backbone” Cullen
Smartest Intern of All-Time: Anal Gay-Lewis
Smallest Clitoris: Brock Lesnar
Best TJES Guest Ever: Method Man & Redman
Best Wolfknife Nickname: Urethra Butt Butt
Least Radioactive Jew: Rawdog
Most Profound Kid Rock Tweet: “I didn’t come here for a hard time, I came here for a good time.” – Kid Rock
Realest Animal: Rawdog’s Dad
Most Uncreepy Male Star: Corey Feldman
The Rising Star Award: Kevin Kraft
Lifetime Achievement Award: Jaden Smith
Most Welcome Comeback: Andy Dick
Most Deservingly Famous: George Zimmerman
“Clean and Sober Living” Award: Lindsay Lohan
Most Alive Celebrity: Larry King
Smallest Butthole: Sam Rubin
Woman of the Year: Paula Deen
Man of the Year: Chris Brown

Bless this post, and bless all of you. Bless us everyone!

And there you have it, folks. The Yoko’s pretty much wrapped up the show all neat and tidy. There were a few short final calls, oh, and a mention that either tomorrow or Friday, there will be something “special” on Faction, but that’s all that was said. I assume you’ll have an opportunity to hear old or best-of shows for most of the day or something like that. That’s my best guess anyway. So I guess I should wrap this up huh? Pop quiz hotshots! Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan? Because they become Targets. OH! Happy Skanksgiving to all my American trick ass bitches and gangsta-ass swingin’ dicks. Happy get up and go to work like normal to all my Canadian molettes and moles. And shout to all the girls I’ve loved before.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 11/26/13

Posted on November 26, 2013 by shit_toboggan

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO KARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEW DEATH!DEATH!DIE! ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YER MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUTTERBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FULL CONTACT MOTORSPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND PLENTY FUCKING MORE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO LET’S FUCKING GET INTO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crew is down at Racers Edge Kart track today in celebration of the release of Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundrack. They were generous enough to invite down a bunch of EllisFam too so that it’s nice and competitive. Just before the show started, some guy in a helmet and gloves whooped Ellis on the track and he was not too happy about it. But at least he did better than the Asian kid he saw over the weekend who stacked into a wall because turning is apparently a very difficult art. The guys had to tone it down a bit because there were some regular folks and kids around, but I think as soon as Cunt Kicker starts blasting over the PA system, that should thin the herd. Everybody took turns getting in the seat and racing each other. Dingo, Shoebox, Katie, Pendarvis, and a whole bunch of others came through. Tully got his first ever speeding ticket on his way to the track, which should be a great indicator of how well shit is gonna go for him today. Tully hashed out the story of when he totaled a rental car by getting rear ended in a left turn lane and he got champion treatment at the rental agency and upgraded him for free. He also took out some dude on a motorcycle in San Francisco when the dude tried to pass on the inside on a left turn. Mike Jasper came by to test whether or not his recent knockout at EllisMania has affected his driving skills. Considering that the first thing he did after the fight was grab a beer and continue announcing the rest of the fights, I’m sure he’s back at 110%. iTunes is a lying cunt of an organization and hasn’t put the BFMB album up for sale yet, so fuck Steve Jobs in his cold dead rotting asshole, go get it on the Google Play store or Amazon. Jason was on the Heidi and Frank show this morning and if it weren’t for the fact that they took a break every 5-7 minutes, it was probably not more than a half hour of real work. But as fun as it might have been it isn’t nearly as fun as treating all your friends to a day racing go karts. The guys took a break from the usual jaw-jacking to report live about the folks on the track for the first race of the afternoon. The first lap was a bit of a warm up and as soon as the pace car left the track Tully started taking the lead but then spun it into a wall when one of those damn complicated things they call “turns” showed up. Jetta started getting aggressive on Katie’s tail, but Ellis yelled at him from the radio booth and he backed off. Then Jetta spun out another couple times. Then he passed Tully. Then Butterballs got passed by Shoebox. Dingo and Mike Jasper pretty much held the lead back and forth for most of the race. Jasper put the Balls to the wall. Jetta got lost somewhere in the middle of the pack and Shoebox Spanked Tully with his chrome horn. Dingo rammed Katie and Ellis declared a Fatwah. Mike Jasper finished first, followed by Dingo and Jetta. And the townspeople rejoiced. By rejoiced, I mean they played AC/DC.

The guys came back from break to talk with the drivers from the first race and toot their own horns about how awesome the Big Fucking Mega Boat soundtrack is. Dingo gave us his synopsis of the track, apparently it’s pretty complicated for such a slow set of cars and that makes for some really interesting racing. Shoebox couldn’t pull off a good lap time to save his ass though, but it was probably the equipment. Tully was just happy about all the people smashing his ass, he’s really into it. Ellis took his leave from the show to get out to the starting grid for the second race of the afternoon. The remaining folks hanging around chatted with each other about things and stuff and took some phone calls before the racers got off the line. Dingo learned his lesson about texting and driving when he was checking his Instagram and saw the light turn green in the corner of his eye and floored it right into the back end of a classic car. Ellis fell asleep in traffic one time and dinged up some guy’s rental car, but it was OK cause everyone was in the same miserable slow boat to hell known as southern California traffic. But more importantly, the second race, starring Jason, Will, and some fans including Fonzo (the cow from previous installments of the musical chair fight at EllisMania). Pendarvis was fighting with some dud named Jacob for first place but got the caution flag after slamming into somebody. Ellis pulled ahead at this point. Fonzo got his ass handed to him by a kid. Jason pulled far ahead of the pack leaving Pendarvis in second. The rest of the race was pretty inconsequential, but Jason kept up with good lap times and Pendarvis slipped further and further back. The rest of the folks were just kind of a shit show in the background but still probably had fun on their own. Will got back on the air to try and defend his driving after the track officials gave him and a few other drivers a stern talking to concerning their on track behavior. One of the guys who came down for the festivities today used to race sprint cars, so everyone accused him of being a ringer, but it’s not the same as indoor flat track electric go karting so he’s probably on the same level as everyone else. Jason noticed that the track actually has an apex line painted all the way around the track so that everyone can get through the corners faster, but fuck if the general public doesn’t have problems following directions. Kenda Perez (the ridiculously hot lady who was at EllisMania and then never seen again who is, like a UFC reporter or something) was on her way to the track to even out the balls and shaft ratio. Nipplopolis’ son Jacob got called out for sucking on the track but continued talking shit cause kids these days don’t understand what it means to be put in their place. And the townspeople rejoiced. And by rejoiced I mean that they spun a track from Appetite for destruction and one of the new tracks from BFMB:TM:TS.

The guys came back from their break and Tully and Wilson were chatting for a while while a crackhead beating was taking pace in the background. And what better time to mention that Racers Edge is having a Christmas toy drive and if you donate a toy over $10 in value, you can get a discount on some racing. Somebody brought home made bear claws for everyone to knosh on between races. While a few more folks were getting ready for their turns on the track, the guys talked technique behind the wheel for a bit. Dingo was playing around with one of those arcade claw machines at the go kart place and was really oping to get an iPad mini for a quarter and god damn if he wasn’t going fuck nuts over this thing. Jason is getting into adult education lately, cause a lady named Betsy who is a huge fan gave him some material to learn math with so that he can count it correctly and keep the Jews from sniffing it out or taking 15% off the top (just jokes, everybody). Ellis had a dream last night that he was talking to Howard Stern in the back of an SUV and no money was changing hands for a blow job. Apparently that Onnit Alpha brain stuff has some pretty benign and entertaining side effects that don’t include anal seepage. The third group of drivers set off and right off the bat Timmy was the first to pull a pass on anyone. Sam Rubin showed up and the fans all started plotting how to get him killed on the track. Sam started dropping names as he’s known to do and no more race commentary happened for a couple minutes. Mark McGrath showed up for the first time in a while to put his fabulous late nineties almost-ska licks down on the track. McGrath declared that Death!Death!Die! has officially left the realm of joke band and has entered the land of actual rock stardom. A guy called in to give the guys some pointers o getting the most out of your go kart on the track. Long story short, keep your foot floored and only use the brakes a teeny bit when you desperately need to. Also, don’t get ejected from the track for smashing up the equipment against Sam Rubin’s rectum. The guys kicked around the idea of going on tour with Sugar Ray but the logistics of destroying Mark McGrath’s career by having “Jack The cunt” open up for him may take a little more planning than they can do this afternoon. But on a side note, the triple D might be playing at the AVN awards this year. Or next year, sometime. The offer was floated to them and they’re in talks about it. Sam and Mark took their leave to get out to the paddock and Ellis, Tully and Dingo bullshitted around with each other for a while. Some race car driver in Europe sold one of his testicles to buy a Nissan 370Z and everyone agrees that a testicle should be worth more. A guy called in to ask where Rawdog is and the guys reported back that he’s taking some time off and that’s all there is to it. Some people couldn’t be happier about that, I’m just glad I don’t have to do New Music Tuesday this time around. The fourth race got underway and Sam Rubin proved that he’s not as worthless on a race track as he is in a boxing ring, and Shoebox is kind of terrible at it. Then a bunch of people all stacked up in a corner with Sam Rubin in the middle of it (SUCCESS). Mark McGrath also started shutting the door on folks and climbing up the ranks. Nipplopolis wasn’t everything that most folks would have hoped for on the track, but fuck it, nobodies working for a real championship in all this. Some dude who brought his own gloves and helmet with a go-pro started falling further and further back. Shoebox and McGrath passed Sam and he turned in his man card. And the townspeople rejoiced. And b rejoiced I mean we heard the Ellis solo track from BFMB and god dammit it was a tasty chunk of droning pain metal. They also played butt town and the more of the lyrics I can actually understand, the more I like it.

After the break some lady that Ellis banged years ago texted him about coming on the show sometime. Katie said she’d be cool about it but it’s still kind of an awkward thing to ask somebody. Sam and Mark both qualified for the Vagisil 5000 championship, along with Tully and a few other people. Sam tried to say that the guys who have master the control over the karts probably put the governor on it so that he couldn’t unleash his full potential. Mark talked for a while about his time working on Extra and how he got paid Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust enough to make him rethink having a neck tattoo of the virgin Mary that he got when he was drunk after a show one night back when Sugar Ray was still a band people would travel to see. Another race was underway for last chance entry into the Vagisil 5000 and the Death!Death!Die! championship. Dingo wasn’t beating his old lap times but he did spin another guy out and then got the governor put on him for giving Ellis the finger. Fonzo made his stand in the last couple laps and earned his place in the Vagisil 5000. Some guy in Georgia got arrested for trying t slip on some women’s underwear out in public, the only problem is that’s all he had on, except for high heels, a turban and COCAINE!!!! which he was carrying in a Crown Royal bag, cause that’s how you do when you a mutha fuckin G. Butterballs placed at the very bottom of the pack when the checkered flag dropped. After all that, Tully tallied up all the scores and set up the bracket for who was gonna be in each race. Kenda finally showed up and at first there were some concerns about whether her dress was go kart appropriate but then everybody remembered that as long as the officials don’t see anything, it didn’t happen. Psycho Mike showed up just in time as well. After some hellos and handshakes and Mark McGrath backing out of fighting Tully again, the guys took one final break to get all the racers prepped for the final two showdowns of the day.

IT’S TIME FOR THE FINAL FUCKING SHOWDOWN YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! And a special shout out to all the folks who showed up to make the whole thing such an extravaganza. And an even more special thanks to whoever made that dress Kenda Perez is wearing cause apparently it’s hot shit. It turns out that Will actually stopped at the .99 cent store and got trophies for the races and they were almost as good as you might expect from two dollar trophies. Butterballs accidentally dropped an F-bomb at this fucking G-rated event and got dropped in the Vagisil 5000 challenge. Kenda Perez might have gotten a camera mounted in her go kart and if it I had free time to get on ellismania.com I could check if my monthly subscription is now twice the value that it used to be. The guys talked about who they were hedging their bets on for the first championship race and it sounds like it’s gonna be a real challenge for all those involved. Right off the line, Kenda put the kart into the wall and needed to be told to put it in reverse. Katie was quick to take the lead but got passed by McGrath soon after. Cumtard was no miracle on the track but was pulling consistently higher times than most people. Kenda started picking up her lap times but stayed low on the pole. Katie and Mark switched back and forth for first for a few laps. Kenda’s titties bounced every time she went around this one corner right near the booth, so everybody declared themselves a winner for a couple minutes. Katie overtook McGrath and Kenda in one shot. Sam sucks but Tully was pretty close in the running. When all was said and done, everybody had a great time and the winners were chosen, but no trophies given just yet until after the Death!Death!Die! showdown. A fan of the show who works at a toy warehouse sent a truckload of shit down to the track for the toy drive on behalf of EllisFam and that just goes to show you how awesome we are. Wilso might have broken a finger out on the track at some point and if there was any less metal way to break a bone, I challenge you to find it. The race started and it was a heated contest right off the bat. Except for psycho mike, he was sucking pretty terribly right from the get go. Ellis swung his dick all over the track and got way out in the lead. Mike Jasper was not far off from the lead for most of the race. There was a big stack up with Jasper and some other people and Ellis blew past the whole thing. Dingo and Jetta rounded out the middle of the pack until Jetta pulled ahead past a crash. Dingo pulled ahead a few laps later. Psycho Mike was basically more of a construction zone for the rest of the race which made competition that much stiffer for anyone needing to pass him. Dingo Jetta, Shoebox and Psycho Mike all got wrapped around each other in a corner and fucked it up for everybody for the next couple laps. And just before the race would have officially ended normally, all the aggression on the track caused the officials to pull out the exit track and forced the racers to bring it back in. The judges ran all the numbers and came to their conclusions. All of the drivers came in to share how they felt out on the track. Kenda was declared the winner of the Vagisil 5000 not only for being slowest on the track, but also for having wonderfully bouncy titties, despite being docked points for letting one of the track staff members put something over her lap to prevent wardrobe malfunctions. In the Death!Death!Die! championship, the winner was Jason Ellis with the second fastest time of the week for the entire go kart track. However, Jason relinquished his trophy to Dingo because right at the end of the race, he tried to put Jason into a wall at two miles an hour and then drove in reverse through that one gouged up turn that made Kenda’s titties shake like we all always pray for. And that was it, a great day was had by all and it was all PG-13, except for the reason they were celebrating, which is a CD called Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundtrack, featring such amazing tracks as “Jack The Cunt” “Cunt Kicker” and “Big Fucking Mega Boat”, all of which are completely NSFW, unless maybe you work at a porn shop. Or a recycling plant. Or you make money by killing crack addicts who are late paying up what they owe their dealers. And since today was so toned down, lemme just state that it wasn’t till I started listening to some Australian dude on the radio that I got a true appreciation for the word cunt.

cunt.

Cunt

CUNT.

Seriously.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

Posted on November 25, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Getting gassed at the dentist.

Hello reader, how are you? I’m doing fine, thank you for asking! I just wanted to tell you good luck. I’m counting on you. Ellis went to the dentist today, he’s got numb face and he had to tell the dentist to keep that gas going as they were grinding down his toof. He hasn’t gotten his goldie teef yet, but he was such a big boy that the dental assistant chick gave him some chocolate. He’s boned a dental assistant before, a couple times actually. She had blown out titties but got them shits fixed. Dingo needs his own chair in the studio, a Dingo chair one might call it, that he can get his sweaty hands all over. Dingo cooked dinner the other night and cut his poor wittle finger. He cooked a turkey burrito in a pan and he’s been known to make a lasagna once or twice. What’s that? The show seems different today for some reason, you say? That may be explained by the fact that Rawdog isn’t there, but Cumtard is. Absolutely nothing was mentioned about Rawdog’s absence, so anything would be speculation at this point. I’m sure whatever it is/was will eventually be addressed as that’s how the show (and real life) has always worked. Ellis went to get a massage, had a towel over his face, and when he flipped over, he felt his pee-pee lay over towards his hip. When the massage was done, he got up to see what kind of view was revealed and felt like a creep. But a creep who is packing heat.

Your pajamas were how much?

Dingo’s wearing $190 pajamas today, for that amount of money you’d expect him to be constantly orgasmic, but he just seems comfortable. Dingo and Ellis have decided to burn their Uggs, which has to be the best decision ever because, wow. Ellis is a bit of a soap connoisseur now and he’s not falling for any of those cheap as soap gimmicks anymore, so watch out Irish Spring! In an effort to get candy, he got some rose scented shit sprayed on him and went around asking people to smell him. Dingo’s just waiting for the soap rash discussion, but that never came. Instead, we heard about a 12-year-old, crying Dingo who got scabies and passed it on to all his friends. Sounds like Wilson got himself a new haircut and a new lanyard and has allegedly been fucking the fat off himself. He reminded the guys that the go kart track that they’re going to Tuesday is having a toy drive for poor people and if you can, bring 100% of a full toy, not 10% of a toy like Kim Kardashian. Ellis and Dingo have been having strange dreams lately, Ellis thinks his is from the Alpha BRAIN and Dingo thinks his is from a RZA week.

Whenever Cumtard is on the show, everyone wonders what the punishment is going to be.

So this dude in Washington, IL filmed a tornado going straight for his house, tornado hunter’s Tully and Cumtard question the legitimacy of the video, but you can decide for yourself. Ellis got his Porsche fixed (not really, it’s gotta go back) and then somebody hit it, denting the exhaust pipe, marked it up, and THAT is why we can’t have nice things – because people suck. In case you haven’t heard, Cumtard has one of them phone apps out, called Freaky Scenes, and he’s gets more chances to plug it today by answering some trivia questions, wrong answers mean he’s eating some death dealing dog food from China. Let’s just say he didn’t leave the show hungry and you probably wouldn’t know the name of his app if I didn’t just post a link to it. Tully got a call from his bank saying someone tried to use his debit card with a fake ID of him and of course it was in Inglewood because Inglewood is always up to no good. “We live in a world.” ~Dingo Let that one sink in a blow your fuckin’ mind. Ellis will be on terrestrial radio tomorrow morning, on The Heidi & Frank Show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber has perfume or wears perfume or both. Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt an island for $20 million. Common man Dingo say’s that’s chump change. Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. Jason Momoa has a man cave and invited Ellis to come over some time, even gave him his phone number, so he might be on the show one day – the tale of two Jasons. Manny Pacquiáo won his fight against Brandon Rios in the first ever pay-per-view boxing card from China. Ellis started to talk about his incident with Beacher of Beacher’s Madhouse and Dingo quickly cut that conversation off like someone was talking about murder for hire over the telephone. Seems like Dingo now hates that dude and doesn’t want him to get his name mentioned even if just to say “fuck that guy”, which Dingo did actually say. Nobody knows whats up with that and it doesn’t look like the fans will ever know – and I’m okay with that because I said fuck that guy before it was cool to say fuck that guy. Also, apparently people are mad at Dingo for posting a picture of Miley Cyrus on his Instagram. I don’t really care one way or the other, so I don’t know what to say about that. Ellis got sent some Duck Dynasty shit for his pets and Dingo ain’t about to let anyone hate on that shit. This spurred on some callers who treated us to their duck and deer calls. Oh, and we got to hear “Smoked Out Clit” from Death! Death! Die! and Everlast.

How to silence Dingo.

Breaking news, Cumtard did not eat death dealing dog treats from China. After he started feeling like shit and forcing himself to vomit it all up, news on the wire was Wilson had played a dastardly trick and Cumtard actually just ate beef jerky. Wilson, you sly minx! Back to the news of the stars desk, Dingo Dingerton went to the AMA’s, he talked about how just fucking incredible, best thing since sliced bread, Imagine Dragons were. Of course he had to name drop Miley, Rihanna singing “garbldey arrrhhhg I forget” (which sounds like a kick ass song title), Nelly was there giving a shout out to the Lou. Thankfully Shoebox came in bearing gifts to steer the conversation away from “Dingo name drops more people in 60 seconds than anyone would think possible.” That lasted all of 90 seconds before Dingo steered us right back into name dropping thing. Shoebox chimed in with some real talk about wanting to fuck Miley. Then back to Dingo for his obligatory Miley name drop and to let us know he’s been to the AMA’s for 3 years now, again. Eventually Ellis had to tell Dingo to shut the fuck up for a minute so someone else could talk. No offense to Dingo, even though it sounds like it. I just could care less about the AMA’s and hate having to recap about that garbage. More power to Dingo for being in the mix in that world. I’ll have you know this man risked his life once. In the passenger seat of a truck. That was being driven by a professional. In the middle of a dessert. Where other driver’s drive past you and if you’re in serious trouble, they stop to help or call out for help. And where helicopters fly above checking the progress of drivers. HAHAA But seriously, thems jokes. Dingo was getting kind of heated for his terrifying rendition of being the passenger in a Baja truck. And finally, two lepers were playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off. OH!

Come to NYA for the recaps. Stay for the entertainment. Am I right? I’m right, right!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 11/22/2013

Posted on November 22, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

Welcome to the end of the week where nobody is supposed to give a fuck or you’re out of the club. In case you didn’t notice right off the bat, Christian James Hand in the Tully chair, where is Tully, well he does’t give a fuck, and he’s sick. Jason posted an Instagram of Katie and her awesome back piece and Jeff Beacher, of Beachers Madhouse, commented asking if that was a dude. This threw off Jason because he thought they were cool but with more investigating apparently Beacher thinks of himself as a comedian also, so even though he is a shitty comedian everybody figured he was just fucking around and didn’t mean anything serious by it. “Nothing is as bad as it seems in the moment” according to Rawdog, but he has never been attacked by a swarm of mother fucking bees! If you are in LA and and are wondering where you can workout to get your flabby turkey arms in shape you can work out with Katie and Ellis at the Legends Gym. Also some exciting news, Ellis has been sober nine days! Woohoo, time for a good ol fashioned hookers and blow sobriety party. Then they talked about Jason’s Porsche, Christian’s Mini, Cumtard’s Audi, and Josh’s inability to avoid concrete dividers in the parking garage. Someone brought up the news that Kim Kardashian sold some shit and only gave ten percent of the money to the Philippines instead of all of it. I think that’s bullshit, she shoulda flown there and given all the people shelter inside her gigantic ass. This is most likely an attempt to get a tax break on the profits. Plus according to Everlast the Kardashian’s are just the devil reincarnate. After arguing about this, a few callers, and failed attempts to get Everlast on the phone, we all went down, down to butt Town.

In today’s Shark News, two Newfies saved a green shark from choking on a piece of moose hide. If these two men were also playing hockey with a frozen puck of maple syrup in beaver hats, this would have been the most Canadian news ever. Lance Bass has a new single out and has a show on Out Q called Put It In My Bass and apparently he does

Thank you for calling the Frank show Mom

Thank you for calling the Frosty show Mom

his show from space. What is also apparent is my ability to remember even the smallest details of the Jason Ellis Show. Ellis is also going to appear on the Heidi and Frank Show and then after that he’s gonna be on the Holly Frosty and Hank podcast in Frosty’s mom’s basement. Some kid called in and someday hopes to be a trucker just like his daddy and his sister someday hopes to have a professional basketball player as her baby daddy. And today in Flaming Hot Cheetos news, who the fuck cares, Cheetos are fucking awesome. Speaking of food and shit they then started talking about working out, testosterone and boxing but I didn’t hear everything over the sweet crunch of my Cheetos. I did however hear the story of Ellis getting his eyebrows shaved off and it was hilarious, you should have been there! I just laughed and laughed and laughed!

Cheetos, Fuck Yeah!

You can live like a king in Panama, not because everybody there thinks every white guy is David Lee Roth, or becuase we are rich compared to everybody, but because everybody there is completely fucked. Then Christian started asking Ellis about his vacation almost as if Christian never listens to the show. I’m sure he is a faithful and daily listener and just

Tully can’t drive, Fifty Fiiiiiiiiiiiive!!!!!!!!!!

making good conversation. Also some island that Josh probably pronounced wrong is going to disappear due to global warming. I suggest they buy a boat. Tully drives like a Lego man and Ellis is the most Competitive guy around and why are we talking about this? Because the go cart race is happening, ummm, soon! Tuesday I think, it would be a good idea to keep an eye on Ellis’s twitter for more details. Cock News from a Canookian, a man removed his genitals, got into a car, wrecked it, caught it on fire, then tried to put it out with his missing dick blood. Reddragons eh!

Shanning Crowder, a dolphin linebacker, that’s the guy that runs down the field with the ball, pissed himself every game. Just because. Wonder what you will see if you google

All of that skill and only one eyebrow!

Jason Ellis skateboarding? Here’s a hint, it’s gonna be Jason Ellis skateboarding. There’s also a youtube video somewhere but I can’t find it so fuck it. What should you do when you forget your girlfriends birthday? Tongue the Bung, is that better than a boom box after forgetting you’re girlfriends birthday right? Linette says that a late birthday party is lame but a night where you sexually treat her and her desires is cool. So tongue the bung it is! After this intriguing and informative conversation it was time for final calls. And then the callers started. John In Houston called to inform everybody that he will be setting up an XGames EllisFam party in Austin June 5th to 8th. He has friends that own bars there and can hook us up with a meeting place for the three days. He is also a local there and can direct people to the best places to stay, eat and drink. Just hit him up on Twitter or Instagram for more details. And then they continued. It was a never ending flood of idiocy that cannot be rivaled and brings Darwin himself to tears. Retarded construction workers, retarded drivers, retarded callers. So many retards that yer mum isn’t sure if she should blow them or eat the crayons, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 11/21/2013

Posted on November 21, 2013 by bitPimps 中

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Welcome to another fun-filled Thursday from Crüe Town, but not actually. Ellis swears he feels cancer in his face and he’s threatening that face cancer with a doctor’s scalpel. He’ll have that shit cut out, a sweet face scar, and gold teef. Then he’ll be fresh to death and chillin like Gucci Mane (pronounced Mang) but way better and without an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. People are still catching flack over their Ugg boots, which are made out of the skin from a sheep’s asshole. In an odd reverse anti-Ugg boot debate, Twitch’s wife posted something on Instagram about Ugg sheep and some Ugg boot supporter reported her for it. God bless the Internet trolls with severe trolliosis. Cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, they’re all getting treated brutally – but god damn are they really useful and tasty. Some clothes made out of animals are more acceptable than others, such as gator skin underwear. That shit is sooo sexy. There’s some YouTuber’s making $1.4 million dollars (and more) a year just posting videos on YouTube. Ellis saw some chick that just makes videos of herself in room or whatever and she’s banking it, so now the question becomes, how the fuck can we get in on that shit and start making the kind of money where a point (.) doesn’t go before the cents part. The guys kicked around a few ideas on what they could film and post to YouTube to start making some bank, but the whole relationship between Ellis and Rawdog is what would work, but Rawdog doesn’t want to do anything that makes him the target of ridicule or anything that may be poking fun at him. That didn’t stop callers and fans coming up with some ideas the guys could potentially use on their quest for YouTube fame. In the end, it’ll probably never happen because Ellis wants it to be more like a scene from Silence of The Lambs where Rawdog is trapped in a well and Ellis screams at him to put lotion on his skin. Meanwhile, Rawdog wants it to be more like an episode of Laverne & Shirley.

Ellis talking to Rawdog

Some dude in Japan four backpacks and being the civil Japanese citizen he is, he turned that shit in and it was packed with $48 million dollars worth of cocaine. Tully desperately wants to go to Ricky Carmichael moto school (RCU), and Jason can only think about geography because it sounds cold where RCU is. But all Josh is worried about is if Ricky Carmichael is there. At his own school. Where he teaches people. At Ricky Carmichael University.

Ellis & Tully looking at Rawdog for not paying attention.

Ellis continued his geography lesson and did better than one might tend to think, but he also had a few hiccups where everything was Sacramento or Michigan. Apparently Snook was in full on normal kid mode today, she didn’t want to wear leggings because they’re itchy. Ellis was trying to reason with her, but she wasn’t having any of it, so he did what all us dad’s do. We tattle to mommy and let mommy play the bad guy. Except mommy never is the bad guy on anyone else’s part except her own, so just what would happen in my house, happened in Ellis’ house. The kid got what she wanted, because it’s just easier that way. This brought on a discussion about kids drinking coffee at really young ages and how crazy that is. I couldn’t imagine waking my daughter up for school, she’s tired, and I put out a few lines of cocaine next to her cereal bowl for the little pick-me-up she needs to start her day. Going back to pants for a minute, a caller named John cannot wear pants unless he absolutely has to and has freed himself of the tyranny of pants, and I say unto him, good on you sir! Keep fighting the good fight.

Rawdog loves pants. I mean he really, really loves pants.

Oxycotton John called up after the previous John, he’s going to get a new liver! The hospital called and said come on down, trade in your old liver and walk away with a new one! So shout out to him, we all hope you have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery, homeboy! Tully has never watched The Ultimate Fighter series, but he did last night and it completely sucked! Just kidding. Tully didn’t watch it, but not joking – it did completely suck because there were no fights, just more crying. Some people are backpedaling now about the GSP / Hendricks fight, now saying that GSP won due to the number of strikes, even though GSP’s face and Dana White totally disagree.

Celebrities can’t manage their finances. Boo hoo.

Aaron Carter just declared bankruptcy. Who is Aaron Carter you say? And I’ll tell you, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, trust me. You’re better off not knowing who he is. But real talk for a second. People be filing for bankruptcy like it’s going out style, am I right? You know I am. Wilson is out sick today, but since he never stops working, he sent in a story about an FCC proposal to allow cellphone usage during flights. Jetta came up with a game called “Guess the fetish” for the guys to play, oh and we learned that he’s a basketball stud. Maybe. We don’t know that for sure. It’s a little premature to assume he’s a basketball stud. Okay, just know he played basketball once. Anyway, Jetta went through the Internet searching for some fetishes and will quiz the guys to see if they can tell what the fetish is based on the scientific name. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fucked up “philias” and “isms” and I don’t have time to look all them up, but that can be a game you play yourself, go look them up and then try to masturbate to completion to any of them. If you finish, that might be your fetish.

There’s a new world’s tallest water slide being built and I think it’s supposed to be wedgie free. Ellis has a friend (possibly Moses Itkonen) in the studio who refuses to speak, and he’s not friends with Rawdog, you, me, or the Pope, just Ellis – so there. The show was looking for calls from police officers, but only for about 10 seconds. After that, Shoebox came in not bearing any gifts, but he promises he will bring them in tomorrow. What gifts? Hard copies of the new Death! Death! Die! album. So he got a bit of an ass chewing for being a big fat liar, liar, pants on fire – caught it on a telephone wire. Cats leave shit crystals all over the place, they’re pretty nasty. We ended up hearing from cops about cops that fuck citizens, fuck Crips, fuck other cops, and generally just fuck and stuff. Then more Uggs versus Peta versus sheep versus minx versus cows talk. Sounds like Joanna Angel wants to book D!D!D! to play at an after party after the AVN awards and Tully can go as long as he wears his chastity belt. Best. Gig. Ever. And that pretty wraps up this recap, the only thing left to do is leave you some words of wisdom – so I’ll quote my wife: “Quit being such a lazyass and do something!”

I drew you a picture!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Monthly Archives: November 2013

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 11/27/2013

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 11/26/13

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

Show Re-Cap for Friday 11/22/2013

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 11/21/2013