Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 11/26/13







GO KARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






NEW DEATH!DEATH!DIE! ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






YER MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!












FULL CONTACT MOTORSPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






AND PLENTY FUCKING MORE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






SO LET’S FUCKING GET INTO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






The crew is down at Racers Edge Kart track today in celebration of the release of Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundrack. They were generous enough to invite down a bunch of EllisFam too so that it’s nice and competitive. Just before the show started, some guy in a helmet and gloves whooped Ellis on the track and he was not too happy about it. But at least he did better than the Asian kid he saw over the weekend who stacked into a wall because turning is apparently a very difficult art. The guys had to tone it down a bit because there were some regular folks and kids around, but I think as soon as Cunt Kicker starts blasting over the PA system, that should thin the herd. Everybody took turns getting in the seat and racing each other. Dingo, Shoebox, Katie, Pendarvis, and a whole bunch of others came through. Tully got his first ever speeding ticket on his way to the track, which should be a great indicator of how well shit is gonna go for him today. Tully hashed out the story of when he totaled a rental car by getting rear ended in a left turn lane and he got champion treatment at the rental agency and upgraded him for free. He also took out some dude on a motorcycle in San Francisco when the dude tried to pass on the inside on a left turn. Mike Jasper came by to test whether or not his recent knockout at EllisMania has affected his driving skills. Considering that the first thing he did after the fight was grab a beer and continue announcing the rest of the fights, I’m sure he’s back at 110%. iTunes is a lying cunt of an organization and hasn’t put the BFMB album up for sale yet, so fuck Steve Jobs in his cold dead rotting asshole, go get it on the Google Play store or Amazon. Jason was on the Heidi and Frank show this morning and if it weren’t for the fact that they took a break every 5-7 minutes, it was probably not more than a half hour of real work. But as fun as it might have been it isn’t nearly as fun as treating all your friends to a day racing go karts. The guys took a break from the usual jaw-jacking to report live about the folks on the track for the first race of the afternoon. The first lap was a bit of a warm up and as soon as the pace car left the track Tully started taking the lead but then spun it into a wall when one of those damn complicated things they call “turns” showed up. Jetta started getting aggressive on Katie’s tail, but Ellis yelled at him from the radio booth and he backed off. Then Jetta spun out another couple times. Then he passed Tully. Then Butterballs got passed by Shoebox. Dingo and Mike Jasper pretty much held the lead back and forth for most of the race. Jasper put the Balls to the wall. Jetta got lost somewhere in the middle of the pack and Shoebox Spanked Tully with his chrome horn. Dingo rammed Katie and Ellis declared a Fatwah. Mike Jasper finished first, followed by Dingo and Jetta. And the townspeople rejoiced. By rejoiced, I mean they played AC/DC.


The guys came back from break to talk with the drivers from the first race and toot their own horns about how awesome the Big Fucking Mega Boat soundtrack is. Dingo gave us his synopsis of the track, apparently it’s pretty complicated for such a slow set of cars and that makes for some really interesting racing. Shoebox couldn’t pull off a good lap time to save his ass though, but it was probably the equipment. Tully was just happy about all the people smashing his ass, he’s really into it. Ellis took his leave from the show to get out to the starting grid for the second race of the afternoon. The remaining folks hanging around chatted with each other about things and stuff and took some phone calls before the racers got off the line. Dingo learned his lesson about texting and driving when he was checking his Instagram and saw the light turn green in the corner of his eye and floored it right into the back end of a classic car. Ellis fell asleep in traffic one time and dinged up some guy’s rental car, but it was OK cause everyone was in the same miserable slow boat to hell known as southern California traffic. But more importantly, the second race, starring Jason, Will, and some fans including Fonzo (the cow from previous installments of the musical chair fight at EllisMania). Pendarvis was fighting with some dud named Jacob for first place but got the caution flag after slamming into somebody. Ellis pulled ahead at this point. Fonzo got his ass handed to him by a kid. Jason pulled far ahead of the pack leaving Pendarvis in second. The rest of the race was pretty inconsequential, but Jason kept up with good lap times and Pendarvis slipped further and further back. The rest of the folks were just kind of a shit show in the background but still probably had fun on their own. Will got back on the air to try and defend his driving after the track officials gave him and a few other drivers a stern talking to concerning their on track behavior. One of the guys who came down for the festivities today used to race sprint cars, so everyone accused him of being a ringer, but it’s not the same as indoor flat track electric go karting so he’s probably on the same level as everyone else. Jason noticed that the track actually has an apex line painted all the way around the track so that everyone can get through the corners faster, but fuck if the general public doesn’t have problems following directions. Kenda Perez (the ridiculously hot lady who was at EllisMania and then never seen again who is, like a UFC reporter or something) was on her way to the track to even out the balls and shaft ratio. Nipplopolis’ son Jacob got called out for sucking on the track but continued talking shit cause kids these days don’t understand what it means to be put in their place. And the townspeople rejoiced. And by rejoiced I mean that they spun a track from Appetite for destruction and one of the new tracks from BFMB:TM:TS.


The guys came back from their break and Tully and Wilson were chatting for a while while a crackhead beating was taking pace in the background. And what better time to mention that Racers Edge is having a Christmas toy drive and if you donate a toy over $10 in value, you can get a discount on some racing. Somebody brought home made bear claws for everyone to knosh on between races. While a few more folks were getting ready for their turns on the track, the guys talked technique behind the wheel for a bit. Dingo was playing around with one of those arcade claw machines at the go kart place and was really oping to get an iPad mini for a quarter and god damn if he wasn’t going fuck nuts over this thing. Jason is getting into adult education lately, cause a lady named Betsy who is a huge fan gave him some material to learn math with so that he can count it correctly and keep the Jews from sniffing it out or taking 15% off the top (just jokes, everybody). Ellis had a dream last night that he was talking to Howard Stern in the back of an SUV and no money was changing hands for a blow job. Apparently that Onnit Alpha brain stuff has some pretty benign and entertaining side effects that don’t include anal seepage. The third group of drivers set off and right off the bat Timmy was the first to pull a pass on anyone. Sam Rubin showed up and the fans all started plotting how to get him killed on the track. Sam started dropping names as he’s known to do and no more race commentary happened for a couple minutes. Mark McGrath showed up for the first time in a while to put his fabulous late nineties almost-ska licks down on the track. McGrath declared that Death!Death!Die! has officially left the realm of joke band and has entered the land of actual rock stardom. A guy called in to give the guys some pointers o getting the most out of your go kart on the track. Long story short, keep your foot floored and only use the brakes a teeny bit when you desperately need to. Also, don’t get ejected from the track for smashing up the equipment against Sam Rubin’s rectum. The guys kicked around the idea of going on tour with Sugar Ray but the logistics of destroying Mark McGrath’s career by having “Jack The cunt” open up for him may take a little more planning than they can do this afternoon. But on a side note, the triple D might  be playing at the AVN awards this year. Or next year, sometime. The offer was floated to them and they’re in talks about it. Sam and Mark took their leave to get out to the paddock and Ellis, Tully and Dingo bullshitted around with each other for a while. Some race car driver in Europe sold one of his testicles to buy a Nissan 370Z and everyone agrees that a testicle should be worth more. A guy called in to ask where Rawdog is and the guys reported back that he’s taking some time off and that’s all there is to it. Some people couldn’t be happier about that, I’m just glad I don’t have to do New Music Tuesday this time around. The fourth race got underway and Sam Rubin proved that he’s not as worthless on a race track as he is in a boxing ring, and Shoebox is kind of terrible at it. Then a bunch of people all stacked up in a corner with Sam Rubin in the middle of it (SUCCESS). Mark McGrath also started shutting the door on folks and climbing up the ranks. Nipplopolis wasn’t everything that most folks would have hoped for on the track, but fuck it, nobodies working for a real championship in all this. Some dude who brought his own gloves and helmet with a go-pro started falling further and further back. Shoebox and McGrath passed Sam and he turned in his man card. And the townspeople rejoiced. And b rejoiced I mean we heard the Ellis solo track from BFMB and god dammit it was a tasty chunk of droning pain metal. They also played butt town and the more of the lyrics I can actually understand, the more I like it.


After the break some lady that Ellis banged years ago texted him about coming on the show sometime. Katie said she’d be cool about it but it’s still kind of an awkward thing to ask somebody. Sam and Mark both qualified for the Vagisil 5000 championship, along with Tully and a few other people. Sam tried to say that the guys who have master the control over the karts probably put the governor on it so that he couldn’t unleash his full potential. Mark talked for a while about his time working on Extra and how he got paid Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust enough to make him rethink having a neck tattoo of the virgin Mary that he got when he was drunk after a show one night back when Sugar Ray was still a band people would travel to see. Another race was underway for last chance entry into the Vagisil 5000 and the Death!Death!Die! championship. Dingo wasn’t beating his old lap times but he did spin another guy out and then got the governor put on him for giving Ellis the finger. Fonzo made his stand in the last couple laps and earned his place in the Vagisil 5000. Some guy in Georgia got arrested for trying t slip on some women’s underwear out in public, the only problem is that’s all he had on, except for high heels, a turban and COCAINE!!!! which he was carrying in a Crown Royal bag, cause that’s how you do when you a mutha fuckin G. Butterballs placed at the very bottom of the pack when the checkered flag dropped. After all that, Tully tallied up all the scores and set up the bracket for who was gonna be in each race. Kenda finally showed up and at first there were some concerns about whether her dress was go kart appropriate but then everybody remembered that as long as the officials don’t see anything, it didn’t happen. Psycho Mike showed up just in time as well. After some hellos and handshakes and Mark McGrath backing out of fighting Tully again, the guys took one final break to get all the racers prepped for the final two showdowns of the day.


IT’S TIME FOR THE FINAL FUCKING SHOWDOWN YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! And a special shout out to all the folks who showed up to make the whole thing such an extravaganza. And an even more special thanks to whoever made that dress Kenda Perez is wearing cause apparently it’s hot shit. It turns out that Will actually stopped at the .99 cent store and got trophies for the races and they were almost as good as you might expect from two dollar trophies. Butterballs accidentally dropped an F-bomb at this fucking G-rated event and got dropped in the Vagisil 5000 challenge. Kenda Perez might have gotten a camera mounted in her go kart and if it I had free time to get on I could check if my monthly subscription is now twice the value that it used to be. The guys talked about who they were hedging their bets on for the first championship race and it sounds like it’s gonna be a real challenge for all those involved. Right off the line, Kenda put the kart into the wall and needed to be told to put it in reverse. Katie was quick to take the lead but got passed by McGrath soon after. Cumtard was no miracle on the track but was pulling consistently higher times than most people. Kenda started picking up her lap times but stayed low on the pole. Katie and Mark switched back and forth for first for a few laps. Kenda’s titties bounced every time she went around this one corner right near the booth, so everybody declared themselves a winner for a couple minutes. Katie overtook McGrath and Kenda in one shot. Sam sucks but Tully was pretty close in the running. When all was said and done, everybody had a great time and the winners were chosen, but no trophies given just yet until after the Death!Death!Die! showdown. A fan of the show who works at a toy warehouse sent a truckload of shit down to the track for the toy drive on behalf of EllisFam and that just goes to show you how awesome we are. Wilso might have broken a finger out on the track at some point and if there was any less metal way to break a bone, I challenge you to find it. The race started and it was a heated contest right off the bat. Except for psycho mike, he was sucking pretty terribly right from the get go. Ellis swung his dick all over the track and got way out in the lead. Mike Jasper was not far off from the lead for most of the race. There was a big stack up with Jasper and some other people and Ellis blew past the whole thing. Dingo and Jetta rounded out the middle of the pack until Jetta pulled ahead past a crash. Dingo pulled ahead a few laps later. Psycho Mike was basically more of a construction zone for the rest of the race which made competition that much stiffer for anyone needing to pass him. Dingo Jetta, Shoebox and Psycho Mike all got wrapped around each other in a corner and fucked it up for everybody for the next couple laps. And just before the race would have officially ended normally, all the aggression on the track caused the officials to pull out the exit track and forced the racers to bring it back in. The judges ran all the numbers and came to their conclusions. All of the drivers came in to share how they felt out on the track. Kenda was declared the winner of the Vagisil 5000 not only for being slowest on the track, but also for having wonderfully bouncy titties, despite being docked points for letting one of the track staff members put something over her lap to prevent wardrobe malfunctions. In the Death!Death!Die! championship, the winner was Jason Ellis with the second fastest time of the week for the entire go kart track. However, Jason relinquished his trophy to Dingo because right at the end of the race, he tried to put Jason into a wall at two miles an hour and then drove in reverse through that one gouged up turn that made Kenda’s titties shake like we all always pray for. And that was it, a great day was had by all and it was all PG-13, except for the reason they were celebrating, which is a CD called Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundtrack, featring such amazing tracks as “Jack The Cunt” “Cunt Kicker” and “Big Fucking Mega Boat”, all of which are completely NSFW, unless maybe you work at a porn shop. Or a recycling plant. Or you make money by killing crack addicts who are late paying up what they owe their dealers. And since today was so toned down, lemme just state that it wasn’t till I started listening to some Australian dude on the radio that I got a true appreciation for the word cunt.










Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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