Monthly Archives: October 2013

Coast of the Town

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If you were listening today, during the mutated segments of “Unsigned Bands” dueling with “Unsigned Farts”, you heard a name that probably sounded familiar to you. @CassetteCoast If you remember, Coast is the guy that Systematically murdered everyone on TJES with his lyrics, the guys sure remembered. And they gave him respect for his current and initial appearances. Well, he was back today with a new track called “Sith Lord” that once again showed he’s no joke. Give it a listen, you’d never know this guy wasn’t already signed to a big deal, because he sure as shit should be.

Now, here’s what you didn’t hear today. He also made another “diss” track, all in good fun – but unfortunately, it didn’t get played in today’s shortened show. But luckily for us, @CassetteCoast was nice enough to send it to us so everyone else could hear it too. Here is what Coast has to say about it:

The call for submissions was more than 2 weeks prior to Ellismania, so what I wrote was time sensitive material with expectations of them doing the segment BEFORE leaving to Vegas.
When it became clear that they wouldn’t be doing it until AFTER Ellismania, I submitted Sith Lord out of fear of my diss track not packing the same punch as it otherwise would have.
Things on the show have changed since they’ve returned from Vegas, validating my assumption.
Karla Lane became 100 times more of a touchy subject. Will has a new love interest. Tully hasn’t spoken about prostates in a while. And Ellismania went on to sell more than 800 tickets.
Again, everything I wrote was time sensitive and reflected everything that was going on with the show back when the call for submissions was first made. Had I known it was going to sit for as long as it did, I would’ve written vaguer material. Oh well. I lost my battle against a fucking fart. Fml.

And with that, here is his next “Target Practice” track:

Lyrics:

Well look who’s back on Unsigned Bands still unsigned
fuck it, lets do some target practice one more time…

Wills’ a bitch, flexing that lame ass name badge
It aint that serious bro, where yo brain at?
Staring out that office window up in the sky
Thinking bout them strokey face hacker hoes at Best Buy
Ah Ha, a horse is a horse of course of course
HEY WILBUR, see if Jason loan you his Porsche
I know it’s hard to be the boss and people knowing who you are
you got your name put on a parking spot but you aint got no car
and that’s fucked up, I know it, you really can’t control it
and when bitches ask you bout it you just say somebody stole it
Red Dragons
Red Dragons

Michael Tully is a bitch, twinkle toes, why in every single show
you talkin bout your prostate and checking out your penis hole
Leave that old thing alone your dick probably don’t like you
and your baby momma Yoko Ono seems very delightful
Plus you’re Lennon-esk and by that I mean gay
Whats a wank between friends? Put Josh’s dick in your face
Get that threesome with you, him, and that creature
then come back and Get The Cock Off Your Chest, don’t let her eat you
that’d be fucked up, I know it, you really can’t control it
when you’re college educated and Jason is your employer
Red Dragons
Red Dragons

Rawdog is bitch, that picture of him smiling with his Prius
pulled it off the lot looking like a fork pulled out the “meatus”
Let me leave you with some wisdom, I really hope you take it
Don’t bring sand to the beach, don’t take a slot machine to Vegas
That’s a Karla Lane reference, in case nobody caught it
and you so damn retarded Kevin Kraft be looking smarter
Blowing weed in his booty-hole
Man that’s the type of shit you doing in that studio?
I guess when you come from a family of dumb-dumbs
in 8 years you’ll get your trust fund that’ll be such fun
Red Dragons
Red Dragons

Jason Ellis is awesome, when he’s not acting like a bitch
and bleeding out his panties and PMS’ing and shit
So Ellismania 9 just sold 800 tickets
but look at it like this nigga, you still get free crickets
That’s gangsta, a foreigner, striving to get more in life
and real men ride green, I see you with that orange bike
Dear Katy, I’m sorry I called you Butter-Face
I think you’re really pretty in a Betty Crocker sort of way
that’s fucked up, I know it, you really can’t control it
and when Ellis makes it home do him a favor fuckin blow him
Red Dragons
Red Dragons

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 10/16/2013

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Good evening mongrels, welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of TJES, I’ll try to go slow but then I’ll get excited and rip into it too fast, hurting us both. Jason opened the show talking about how much he loves fried chicken and cheese on top of cheese because that shit tastes even more delicious since he was abstaining from eating it all for the work-up to the fight. Problem is, he has gone so hard on the cheese that now he is feeling that cheese effect seep into his soul and it’s making him feel like shit. That, and 10 donuts (Ha.Ha. Knew you couldn’t do it) isn’t helping his body any. That’s the problem with being healthy: your body will eventually learn what all the bad shit is and then it punishes you for eating it.

Mom?

Mom?

Ellis watched a documentary about human shit-stain Roman Polanski. The doc talked about the allegations he drugged and raped a 13 year old girl, and then fled the country to avoid prosecution. The really lame part of all of this is that the asshole is still making movies and people tend to excuse his abhorrent behavior because he’s a good director. So the conversation was this: Why does the world tend to excuse criminals and scumbags from their crimes and scumbaggery if they are exceptionally talented at something? And not just movies (Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, James Cameron) but also people in music and sports. The topic swirled around the NFL quite a bit because Tully,  the biggest NFL fan in the room says that there are a lot of criminals in the NFL currently and while they may not all be sexual deviants and murderers, it’s interesting how they can all keep their job while someone on you or I’s level would be fired straight away and not be able to find another job as easily. (Michael Vick in particular). I think it was Tully who said “If you are good at something you can get away with shit” which summed it all up pretty nicely. And it’s pretty much true that if you are rich, and you are in a position where you make a bunch of other people money those other people are much more likely to defend you and say dumb shit like “yeah, maybe he drugged and raped that girl but, ya know, he’s a really misunderstood guy and he just works so hard.” Yeah, fuck those people too.

 

Maria Kang posted a picture on facebook of her super fit body next to her three children with the caption “What’s your excuse?” as a motivational way to let people know it’s possible. So naturally, all of the fat chicks on Facebook became outraged because they love being fat and this chick is taking away all of their excuses. There are a lot of overweight people who see something like that as an attack on them personally. But here is the thing: if you see that picture and you feel personally attacked by it, guess what? You are not happy with your body, you are jealous of that person and you know it. Maybe stop spending so much time commenting on Facebook photos and get out and do some shit?

 

 

Speaking of hot chicks, Wilson’s girlfriend @Erika_Ash came on the show. If you didn’t know, she had to drop out of Ellismania because of a bad lung infection. Her doctor even told her she shouldn’t go to Vegas at all, but she wasn’t going to stay away. Red Dragons. However, while there she got drunk and smoked cigarettes which wrecked her voice and now she sounds like Tyrone the crackhead from The Chappelle Show. Actually, on second thought she sounded exactly like her boyfriend Wilson Pendarvis when he lost his voice and we got all of those golden “I like brown frosting” buttons. Jason teased Wilson about how he needs to take Erika out and Wilson got all peevish about it. Seriously, you could almost feel how red his face was through the radio while Jason was talking about how he needs to get someone hot like Erika on his dick to make himself feel better. The funny thing is, Erika wasn’t objecting to ANY of it, and Wilson was still shying away. WILSON! GO FOR IT BUDDY! Anyway, the point of Erika’s visit was to bring Ellis a framed picture of his ESPN cover with a nice message about how much the show means to her, and more importantly, how much Ellisfam means to her. A very fitting sentiment because….SEGUE!!!!(Segway, if you are reading this, Ellis)

As most of you know, @Cody_McCraw92 posted an extremely heartfelt and frankly tear-jerking essay on just what Ellisfam means to him. Well, Ellis read it, and Tully read it on air today. I’m not going to re-cap what the essay was about, not because I’m short on time which is usually why I skip things like that. I’m not doing it because if you are Ellisfam, or if you just want to know what Ellisfam is all about you need to READ IT. Seriously, nothing I say here will be able to convey the emotions and personal connections Cody wrote down for all of us to see. It takes a strong character to be able to put themselves in such a vulnerable position for their all of their friends to see. But, that’s Ellisfam. We wear it right out on our sleeve for each other every day, and Cody took it to another level. So again, read the motherfucker. Great job Cody.

Ellisfam

Ellisfam

Someone on Combatlifestyle.com posted their account of Ellismania complete with some sweet up close pictures of the action if you are interested. Slam Magazine sent a list of questions for an interview with Ellis and we got to hear his answers on air. A lot of it was about Ye Olden Days of his skate career and his feelings on it. The whole thing turned into a reminiscent fun time about his old life. I personally love hearing these stories, even though I was never a skater. My whole skate career consisted of Tony Hawk video games. But I was awesome at them. With cheat codes. Anyway, Ellis always gets so nostalgic about his skate career and you can really hear his spirits lift when he gets going on old stories about coming from nothing and competing with his heroes and then doing drugs and acting crazy. It was pretty cool, but re-capping it in detail would take too god damn long so check it out on demand, I’m not your fucking mother.

Normally, as a rule, when New Music Tuesday gets pushed into Wednesday, I have a signature segment of just not covering it at all, and thus far I’ve been proud of what’s come out of that segment. Today, however, something awful happened. I was behind on listening because I was hanging out with my daughter, and as I moved through NMT I listened with feigned interest because hey, I don’t recap this shit anyway. But as soon as we got into the pick of the week, I was suddenly warped back within Sirius to the beginning of NMT. I thought “SHIT! Oh well, I bet it won’t happen again. And if it does, the show should be on demand any minute now, they usually post it around 6pm PST.” None of those things happened my friends. I listened to NMT THREE GODDAMN TIMES. So, I’m taking this as a sign from the universe that I need to buck up and cover NMT.

Twitter tells me that @Jen_E_Tipping got her Wolfknife name, we salute you! OBGYJen

It also tells me @FredoWin is named SummerPasta. We salute you!

 

Have a good week, fuckers! And seriously, go read Cody’s story you lazy fuck.

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 10/15/13

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God damn, folks, it’s great that I don’t have to read this shit out loud to you cause my voice is still thrashed from a four day weekend of chain smoking and yelling at EllisMania. I got a fuck wad of pics and even got to kick it with Ellis, Katie, Butterballs, Crazy Jerr and Cechnicki for a nice Sunday brunch that was only about 2% gay (it bumped up to 5% when Mike Jasper showed up). As well as hanging out with all the other awesome fuckers I saw this weekend, there was a whole bunch of awesome shit going on, so if you missed it you can come on over and tongue my balls and taint before I wash all the Las Vegas off me. In any event, today’s show started with an extra long block of music with song choices that people on twitter were taking way too literally, but when the guys started talking it was Jason and Josh hashing out the shit that went on over the weekend with Karla and the whole spiked drink situation, and it got angry as fuck real fast. It’s a lot to write down, and it’s really easy to get lost in spouting opinion so I’m gonna leave it at this, Rawdog gave his side of it, Ellis gave his side of it, some objective opinions from the rest of the crew were heard and they went to the phones to hear what the fans think (which is sometimes a horrible idea). Then there was some arguing back and forth and Ellis wanted the fighting to stop so he called Karla to squash beef and just have the situation be done with. FREE BIRD!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

 

Intermission

 

We return from break to hear from the only guy who got truly knocked the fuck out this weekend, Mike Jasper! I bro’d down with that guy for a few minutes on Sunday too, he’s a good dude. And a few hundred million people are Googling hemorrhoids, with numbers growing every year. Mike was still kinda punchy from the weekend, where Kit accidentally put his entire psyche on queer street. Mike talked about the whole experience and seeing the replays and twitter photos and how hilarious it was to get knocked out and then start firing off like the wrath of Satan at everybody but the ref. Jason decided to be a generous host and pass the god damn sick cunt of an MVP trophy to Mike for being the most dedicated fighter of the night. The guys all talked about the fights and sparring Ellis’ girlfriend and what a bunch of sick cunts almost all of the fights were (and even though they didn’t say so, I’m sure Mike wants to strangle the fuck out of Sam Rubin and Tara Patrick for the bullshit festival they came out with). Rawdog gave a little rundown on his fight with Nick Swardson and all the bruises from it that he’s got going on right now, which is crazy as fuck cause nobody really expected that from Nick and Josh stayed in it a lot longer than he might have at previous EllisMania’s. Josh even went for a whole bunch of dick punches before Swardson landed all those body shots that finished the job. Ellis interviewed with a guy to be his new manager too, so next year it won’t be such a stress basket of cunt and monkey feces on the production end of things. Of course, all bullshit aside, this EllisMania was one of the best ones yet and everyone involved is thrilled at the outcome. There was plenty more EllisMania talk, cause it did just happen and they want everybody’s take on it. One of the guys that was in the fight with Mike Jasper called in to say thanks for the fun times and general kudos to the crew. Then we had another musical interlude about an Australian gay rights activist.

 

So there’s a workout supplement on the streets right now called Craze that is essentially a new type of crystal meth. Unfortunately, it’ll also make you stay awake until you hallucinate and suck dick for $5. And of course, what could this conversation lead to other than talking UFC and in particular, Georges St. Pierre. He’s an all around great guy and just about impossible not to like, unless he retires after his next fight, in which case everyone who still wants to see him destroying faces in the octagon will have a fucking tantrum like that one lady on YouTube who ended up getting served with divorce papers cause of how bad she wanted to go to the lake. There was more talk about fighting and getting fit and cutting weight, and a lot of the kind of stuff that we’ve probably all heard a bunch of times now, I’d go into it but I’m still delirious from staying up till 3AM four days in a row in crazy ass Las Vegas air conditioning that dries out my sinuses and leaves a distinctly chapped feeling around my butthole. The guys took phone calls about things and stuff, and that went better than normal. And this season on The Ultimate Fighter, Dana White is gonna be pulling some mafia marketing maneuvers and it’s gonna be some fucking incredible TV. And in breaking “Women, am I right?” news, Katie accidentally let Burger out and some guy called in to the show to let Ellis know that he was gonna put him back in the yard. Long story short, blue balls is the way to win any fight. And if you still wanna try the old way of doing things and eat healthy and shit, there’s an app for that! Yes, you can buy a device to plug into your phone and get all the aromas of wonderful things covered in butter and cheese and chocolate syrup to try and trick yourself into enjoying a nice tasty block of reprocessed Ikea furniture. In my opinion the better idea would be to just eat some god damn food and enjoy that shit cause life is way too short. Try anal, people…….try anal….. Y’know what I’m saying? And how sweet would it be if airplanes had Faction so you could hear Death!Death!Die! screaming “cunt” over the PA? Or even something more radio friendly like Party Bot?

 

Some old guy is going around saying that he’s had OVER 1,000 SEXUAL PARTNERS!!! The only thing is, only one of them was an actual human being, all the rest were cars. So if you have ever parked in a public garage, it’s entirely possible that your car has been molested by this guy. He also said he fucked a helicopter, which is just gansta as al fuck and if that guy wants to get in touch with me, I’ll do a  reissue of the #TeamShitToboggan T-shirts and send him a couple. Lately though, this guy has settled down with a Volkswagen Beetle (which makes no sense to me because I work in auto repair and the Volkswagen Beetle is the most hateful, vile machine ever created and you’re an anti-semite or a masochist in a really bad way if you own one). Tully came back from that story with more of our favorite segment, teen advice! First up we heard from a young lady who was having concerns because her boyfriend hadn’t called her all summer. Short answer t this is that he’s a teenager, and therefore an idiot, and also h is male, and therefore an idiot, so the best course of action is to bang the entire football team while you’re still young enough to do it without being labeled anything negative like “slut” or “Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.” Next was a rather concerning letter from someone who was not quite sure if they may have become a vampire. Generally, I tend to look for symptoms on this kind of problem, like drinking blood and catching fire when you step inside a church, or having a totally homoerotic love/hate relationship with a werewolf while trying to protect your “girlfriend” AKA “hag” from a violent death that her facial expression genuinely deserves. Somehow the conversation turned to being a boxcar hobo and how it would all be sweet living as an alcoholic troubadour, right up until the aggressive homeless gay sex that inevitably seems to happen in the hobo community (it’s true, I seen it). Next letter we heard was from a young go-getter who is putting way too much effort into being popular and is starting to collapse under the weight of it all. The guys were really helpful on this one, giving all the best recommendations like cutting and pills and anything you can possibly do to mask the pain without sacrificing your integrity. Some kid wanted to know what the best flirty comeback would be when a girl calls you gay and the best response is always to start fisting her vagina AND butthole, or try turning the conversation into some good old fashioned Jew bashing. The guys took puse to reflect on one of the big influences on the kids these days, and that’s music. Now, if you’ve read my music reviews on most new music Tuesdays, you know my opinion of how shitty and stupid most of the crap that kids are being fed is, which is also part of why I hate the god damn kids these days KNOCK OFF THAT GOD DAMN RACKET, I NEED PIECE AND QUIET WHILE I’M WRITING *ahem* sorry, upstairs neighbors, anyway the big point of it all was that there’s not much to really inspire the kids the way it was back in the old days. And almost everything is cobbled together by a bunch of back room mother fuckers who are only putting the tunes together for a paycheck. And the shit that comes out these days doesn’t even have roots you can trace it back to, it pretty much all started right around the end of the nineties when popular music died and it took my local alternative rock station with it (The same station that gave Green Day and Radiohead their big break, now plays Ke$ha three times an hour and still claims to be as great as they always were). Katie swung by to do the Onnit look good naked challenge again, after Tully did his session of it. I gotta say, I was a little whatever about the whole workout radio bit at first, but it really does soundlike audio porn without breaking any FCC regulations, and I do enjoy a bit of porn in my day, so it actually kind of works having Katie make physical exertion noises like something just wonderful is happening somewhere in her midsection. Ellis is still having problems with the local assholes parking in his driveway, as Katie told him about how she had to yell at two dumb mother fuckers that just insisted on using someone else’s driveway like that shit’s available for public consumption. There was a bit of pre-planning for the next EllisMania, including finding a way to get Sam Rubin assassinated in the ring, and finding a fight for the ring girl who let Ellis electrocute her vagina between rounds. Some people called in during all this talk of bacon and fighting and how Katie should be diabetic but instead is just awesome. There were questions about food and how much bacon is not enough bacon, and how as great as bacon is it goes great with avocados and cheese and fucking self hatred and a crippling lack of sex. In case nobody knew, the winning fighters at EllisMania got a charitable donation made in their names. Betsy, the lady handling all the logistics of this, called in to chat with Ellis for a second and apologize for being drunk as all fuck on Friday night. A few other people called in with more of the dumbest questions ever that have cemented my demand for birth control in every public building in America. And France. Because fuck the French. Seriously, if even the Canadians hate you, you’re fucking up hard. There were more calls of generally pointless crap, but there were some thank you’s from the fans for a great weekend. Katie finished out the rest of the workout in what sounded like an angry climax and we all stepped out for a smoke and a drink of water. While that happened, there were more calls about the upcoming wedding of Wilson Pendarvis and Erika Ashley, and what Ellis sounds like when he works out (y’know, for the ladies) to which Ellis responded with an Instagram video of him smashing pads which totally is not as interesting to listen to as Katie doing burpees. Crazy Jerr called in to chat for a bit about how he’s still partying and Pendarvis better step his game up or Erika Ashley is gonna be Erika Crazy Jerr. And then some dude explained the most ripped off ultimate bacon cheeseburger ever, based entirely on a recipe from Grill ‘Em All. Then a half dozen fucktards shat all over the ending of the show and normality was restored in the universe.

 

In all the talk of things and stuff today, there was one tweet I posted that summed it up quite well and was also pretty funny. It went like this: The non stick coating on my favorite skillet is wearing off, I demand Woody Harrelson apologize to Matt Damon for the Star Wars prequels.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Thicker than Blood: An EllisFam Retrospective

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Seven years ago, I stumbled upon something that would forever change my life in ways I never thought possible. I was sitting at home, flipping through the Sirius music channels on my DISH satellite TV package when I came across this crazy Australian guy making fun of the Lucky Charms cereal mascot with the most hilariously-bad Irish accent I’d ever heard. I laughed harder than I ever had in my life and from that point on, I was hooked. Every weekday from that point on, I would listen to Ellis for all four hours of his show, hanging on his every word. It became my favorite part of the day: sitting down with the boys and shooting the shit while laughing our asses off. As the years went on, Ellis continued to be an inspirational force in my life, pushing me to always better myself and strive to be the best. He and the show became a major part of my life and helped define who I was. But it wasn’t until Twitter came along, that the greatest gift Ellis has ever given me came to be: EllisFam. It started off as nothing more than fans talking about what was happening on the show, but it would grow to become a life-altering aspect of all of our lives. Slowly, we all started to get to know each other and become friends, no longer limiting our conversations to the show. The more we got to know each other, the more we realized how much we are all alike and how we’ve been through the same shit in life. This connection was born that seemed stronger than anything ever before experienced, even though we’d never met in person. It was a truly wild and unexplainable experience how this all came to be; a bunch radio show fans, spread across North America, becoming this tight-knit community that was filled with love and support. The power of EllisFam didn’t become clear to me until a very dark period in my life. I was a freshman in college and I was struggling with the fact that all of my so-called friends from high school completely stopped being so when they moved away for college. To make matters worse, I had just had my heart broken by someone who I thought I could trust and I was left in shambles. I was deeply depressed and couldn’t shake the dark clouds that seemed to constantly hang over my head. It got to the point that I started to have suicidal thoughts and became very self-abusive. It all built up until one day I had a complete and total meltdown. I began ranting on Twitter, spilling all of my emotions into tweets that came fast and furious. I had lost it. I was going over the edge and was about to end it all. But then something happened. I suddenly started getting all these tweets from EllisFam expressing extreme concern for me and asking if everything was OK and if they could help in any way. They acted as a therapist for me as I blurted out all my life’s troubles, giving me positive reinforcement and a shoulder to cry on. Out of all the people that came to my aid, two people went above and beyond in consoling me: Jess and Steve (AKA @ladystrangler and @bwstrangler). The amount of care and compassion these two showed towards me was unreal. I was blown away by how two people who I’d never met in person and had only known through conversations on the internet could be so willing and able to help me like they did. This act of kindness sparked what would become the best friendship I’ve ever had. These two mean more to me than anyone ever has and I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be here today without them. They’re my best friends and I love them. From that point on, my bonds with other members of EllisFam began to strengthen and the “Fam” in EllisFam began to take on more meaning. These people became my friends, REAL friends who don’t abandon you at the drop of a hat. No matter what, I always knew they had my back.

Even though I’d been a hardcore listener since the early days of the show, I had never been able to make it out to an Ellismania due to my relatively young age and lack of money to fly to Vegas. That all changed this year. I was finally able to make it out to Vegas for what was sure to be the greatest weekend of my life with the people that meant so much to me. At one point, however, that dream was in jeopardy; I needed a roommate to afford the room at the Hard Rock and I was unable to find one on my own. Luckily for me, and in yet another showing of Ellisfam love and support, Tim (AKA @wolfman812) came to my rescue and hooked me up with other Fam who wanted to split a room, Nate, Sara, and Victor (AKA @DraXsiS_Rocker @thewoodswoman @Saveit4thewar). My dream was saved and Ellismania was a reality. These people didn’t have to help me out and take me in, but they did and it meant a lot. The wait for EM was brutal, but honestly went by faster than I would have ever imagined. Before I knew it, it was October 10th and I was at the airport waiting for my flight to Vegas. Upon landing, none other than my two best friends, Jess and Steve, were there waiting for me so we could take a shuttle to the Hard Rock together. Even though we’d never met in person, we instantly acted as though this was our thousandth time seeing each other. The connection was immense. After a short trip in a cramped shuttle van, we arrived at the Hard Rock, walked up to the Circle Bar and began the biggest hug-fest I’d ever seen. Everyone that I knew from Twitter immediately hugged me with everything they had. I’d never experienced this much affection in my life and it was awesome. When Sean (AKA @cantskateanymre) saw me, the first thing out of his mouth was, “Do you want some water?” He knew I didn’t drink and made sure I was being taken care of. When that happened, I knew that I truly was among family. We all hung out like it was one, big family reunion and that’s exactly what it was. At last, I was able to be among the people that meant so much to me and that had saved my life. This is what EllisFam is all about: people from all across the US and Canada coming together to form one, big happy and yes, dysfunctional family. The weekend was the greatest time I’d ever had and I wish it didn’t have to end. Every kiss on the cheek from Jason and Kellie (@AZ_RedDragon @azkellie), laugh shared with Alex (@shit_toboggan), loving hug from Tim (Wolfie), every chance to say “Hed Ragons” with Nate, Victor, and Gregg (@Fngr_Xpressions),  and the countless other moments shared with my Fam will be something that I’ll never forget and cherish for the rest of my life. The goodbyes were filled with tears, hugs, and promises to text each other once we made it back to our respective homes safely. It was an experience I’ll never forget and can’t wait to do all over again. This is the greatest gift Ellis has ever given any of us, a family to call our own that has done nothing but provide positivity and love in our lives. EllisFam is truly something special and one of a kind. I dare anyone to find a closer group of people because they can’t. EllisFam truly is “Thicker than Blood”. Red Dragons, motherfuckers.

Written by Cody McCraw (@Cody_McCraw92)

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/14/2013

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It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

  • First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
  • Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
  • Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
  • Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
  • The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
  • Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
  • Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
  • The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
  • Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
  • Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
  • Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
  • Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
  • @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
  • Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
  • Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
  • Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
  • Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
  • Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
  • Katie made out with some chicks.
  • Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
  • Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
  • People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
  • I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
  • But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
  • I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
  • How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.