God damn, folks, it’s great that I don’t have to read this shit out loud to you cause my voice is still thrashed from a four day weekend of chain smoking and yelling at EllisMania. I got a fuck wad of pics and even got to kick it with Ellis, Katie, Butterballs, Crazy Jerr and Cechnicki for a nice Sunday brunch that was only about 2% gay (it bumped up to 5% when Mike Jasper showed up). As well as hanging out with all the other awesome fuckers I saw this weekend, there was a whole bunch of awesome shit going on, so if you missed it you can come on over and tongue my balls and taint before I wash all the Las Vegas off me. In any event, today’s show started with an extra long block of music with song choices that people on twitter were taking way too literally, but when the guys started talking it was Jason and Josh hashing out the shit that went on over the weekend with Karla and the whole spiked drink situation, and it got angry as fuck real fast. It’s a lot to write down, and it’s really easy to get lost in spouting opinion so I’m gonna leave it at this, Rawdog gave his side of it, Ellis gave his side of it, some objective opinions from the rest of the crew were heard and they went to the phones to hear what the fans think (which is sometimes a horrible idea). Then there was some arguing back and forth and Ellis wanted the fighting to stop so he called Karla to squash beef and just have the situation be done with. FREE BIRD!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!
We return from break to hear from the only guy who got truly knocked the fuck out this weekend, Mike Jasper! I bro’d down with that guy for a few minutes on Sunday too, he’s a good dude. And a few hundred million people are Googling hemorrhoids, with numbers growing every year. Mike was still kinda punchy from the weekend, where Kit accidentally put his entire psyche on queer street. Mike talked about the whole experience and seeing the replays and twitter photos and how hilarious it was to get knocked out and then start firing off like the wrath of Satan at everybody but the ref. Jason decided to be a generous host and pass the god damn sick cunt of an MVP trophy to Mike for being the most dedicated fighter of the night. The guys all talked about the fights and sparring Ellis’ girlfriend and what a bunch of sick cunts almost all of the fights were (and even though they didn’t say so, I’m sure Mike wants to strangle the fuck out of Sam Rubin and Tara Patrick for the bullshit festival they came out with). Rawdog gave a little rundown on his fight with Nick Swardson and all the bruises from it that he’s got going on right now, which is crazy as fuck cause nobody really expected that from Nick and Josh stayed in it a lot longer than he might have at previous EllisMania’s. Josh even went for a whole bunch of dick punches before Swardson landed all those body shots that finished the job. Ellis interviewed with a guy to be his new manager too, so next year it won’t be such a stress basket of cunt and monkey feces on the production end of things. Of course, all bullshit aside, this EllisMania was one of the best ones yet and everyone involved is thrilled at the outcome. There was plenty more EllisMania talk, cause it did just happen and they want everybody’s take on it. One of the guys that was in the fight with Mike Jasper called in to say thanks for the fun times and general kudos to the crew. Then we had another musical interlude about an Australian gay rights activist.
So there’s a workout supplement on the streets right now called Craze that is essentially a new type of crystal meth. Unfortunately, it’ll also make you stay awake until you hallucinate and suck dick for $5. And of course, what could this conversation lead to other than talking UFC and in particular, Georges St. Pierre. He’s an all around great guy and just about impossible not to like, unless he retires after his next fight, in which case everyone who still wants to see him destroying faces in the octagon will have a fucking tantrum like that one lady on YouTube who ended up getting served with divorce papers cause of how bad she wanted to go to the lake. There was more talk about fighting and getting fit and cutting weight, and a lot of the kind of stuff that we’ve probably all heard a bunch of times now, I’d go into it but I’m still delirious from staying up till 3AM four days in a row in crazy ass Las Vegas air conditioning that dries out my sinuses and leaves a distinctly chapped feeling around my butthole. The guys took phone calls about things and stuff, and that went better than normal. And this season on The Ultimate Fighter, Dana White is gonna be pulling some mafia marketing maneuvers and it’s gonna be some fucking incredible TV. And in breaking “Women, am I right?” news, Katie accidentally let Burger out and some guy called in to the show to let Ellis know that he was gonna put him back in the yard. Long story short, blue balls is the way to win any fight. And if you still wanna try the old way of doing things and eat healthy and shit, there’s an app for that! Yes, you can buy a device to plug into your phone and get all the aromas of wonderful things covered in butter and cheese and chocolate syrup to try and trick yourself into enjoying a nice tasty block of reprocessed Ikea furniture. In my opinion the better idea would be to just eat some god damn food and enjoy that shit cause life is way too short. Try anal, people…….try anal….. Y’know what I’m saying? And how sweet would it be if airplanes had Faction so you could hear Death!Death!Die! screaming “cunt” over the PA? Or even something more radio friendly like Party Bot?
Some old guy is going around saying that he’s had OVER 1,000 SEXUAL PARTNERS!!! The only thing is, only one of them was an actual human being, all the rest were cars. So if you have ever parked in a public garage, it’s entirely possible that your car has been molested by this guy. He also said he fucked a helicopter, which is just gansta as al fuck and if that guy wants to get in touch with me, I’ll do a reissue of the #TeamShitToboggan T-shirts and send him a couple. Lately though, this guy has settled down with a Volkswagen Beetle (which makes no sense to me because I work in auto repair and the Volkswagen Beetle is the most hateful, vile machine ever created and you’re an anti-semite or a masochist in a really bad way if you own one). Tully came back from that story with more of our favorite segment, teen advice! First up we heard from a young lady who was having concerns because her boyfriend hadn’t called her all summer. Short answer t this is that he’s a teenager, and therefore an idiot, and also h is male, and therefore an idiot, so the best course of action is to bang the entire football team while you’re still young enough to do it without being labeled anything negative like “slut” or “Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.” Next was a rather concerning letter from someone who was not quite sure if they may have become a vampire. Generally, I tend to look for symptoms on this kind of problem, like drinking blood and catching fire when you step inside a church, or having a totally homoerotic love/hate relationship with a werewolf while trying to protect your “girlfriend” AKA “hag” from a violent death that her facial expression genuinely deserves. Somehow the conversation turned to being a boxcar hobo and how it would all be sweet living as an alcoholic troubadour, right up until the aggressive homeless gay sex that inevitably seems to happen in the hobo community (it’s true, I seen it). Next letter we heard was from a young go-getter who is putting way too much effort into being popular and is starting to collapse under the weight of it all. The guys were really helpful on this one, giving all the best recommendations like cutting and pills and anything you can possibly do to mask the pain without sacrificing your integrity. Some kid wanted to know what the best flirty comeback would be when a girl calls you gay and the best response is always to start fisting her vagina AND butthole, or try turning the conversation into some good old fashioned Jew bashing. The guys took puse to reflect on one of the big influences on the kids these days, and that’s music. Now, if you’ve read my music reviews on most new music Tuesdays, you know my opinion of how shitty and stupid most of the crap that kids are being fed is, which is also part of why I hate the god damn kids these days KNOCK OFF THAT GOD DAMN RACKET, I NEED PIECE AND QUIET WHILE I’M WRITING *ahem* sorry, upstairs neighbors, anyway the big point of it all was that there’s not much to really inspire the kids the way it was back in the old days. And almost everything is cobbled together by a bunch of back room mother fuckers who are only putting the tunes together for a paycheck. And the shit that comes out these days doesn’t even have roots you can trace it back to, it pretty much all started right around the end of the nineties when popular music died and it took my local alternative rock station with it (The same station that gave Green Day and Radiohead their big break, now plays Ke$ha three times an hour and still claims to be as great as they always were). Katie swung by to do the Onnit look good naked challenge again, after Tully did his session of it. I gotta say, I was a little whatever about the whole workout radio bit at first, but it really does soundlike audio porn without breaking any FCC regulations, and I do enjoy a bit of porn in my day, so it actually kind of works having Katie make physical exertion noises like something just wonderful is happening somewhere in her midsection. Ellis is still having problems with the local assholes parking in his driveway, as Katie told him about how she had to yell at two dumb mother fuckers that just insisted on using someone else’s driveway like that shit’s available for public consumption. There was a bit of pre-planning for the next EllisMania, including finding a way to get Sam Rubin assassinated in the ring, and finding a fight for the ring girl who let Ellis electrocute her vagina between rounds. Some people called in during all this talk of bacon and fighting and how Katie should be diabetic but instead is just awesome. There were questions about food and how much bacon is not enough bacon, and how as great as bacon is it goes great with avocados and cheese and fucking self hatred and a crippling lack of sex. In case nobody knew, the winning fighters at EllisMania got a charitable donation made in their names. Betsy, the lady handling all the logistics of this, called in to chat with Ellis for a second and apologize for being drunk as all fuck on Friday night. A few other people called in with more of the dumbest questions ever that have cemented my demand for birth control in every public building in America. And France. Because fuck the French. Seriously, if even the Canadians hate you, you’re fucking up hard. There were more calls of generally pointless crap, but there were some thank you’s from the fans for a great weekend. Katie finished out the rest of the workout in what sounded like an angry climax and we all stepped out for a smoke and a drink of water. While that happened, there were more calls about the upcoming wedding of Wilson Pendarvis and Erika Ashley, and what Ellis sounds like when he works out (y’know, for the ladies) to which Ellis responded with an Instagram video of him smashing pads which totally is not as interesting to listen to as Katie doing burpees. Crazy Jerr called in to chat for a bit about how he’s still partying and Pendarvis better step his game up or Erika Ashley is gonna be Erika Crazy Jerr. And then some dude explained the most ripped off ultimate bacon cheeseburger ever, based entirely on a recipe from Grill ‘Em All. Then a half dozen fucktards shat all over the ending of the show and normality was restored in the universe.
In all the talk of things and stuff today, there was one tweet I posted that summed it up quite well and was also pretty funny. It went like this: The non stick coating on my favorite skillet is wearing off, I demand Woody Harrelson apologize to Matt Damon for the Star Wars prequels.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,