Monthly Archives: October 2012

Show Re-cap For Friday 10/12/2012

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Its Friday, the last show before for a week of vacation, so who really does give a fuck?  Sarah certainly doesn’t.  The dirty little whore was begging for anyone to ask her how to suck a cock.  Turns out Tully and Rawdog both have been struggling to slob the knob lately and obliged.  Seems the key is to get a lot of gagging going on, past the point of vomiting, and swallow it up with a finger in the ass.  Spit the load into a tube and shove it up your twat.  Out comes a baby and Bobs your uncle!  Seems Josh n Mike were missing the whole revenge angle.  Next time your in Cali, make sure to pop into ‘Aussie Town’ aka Little Melbourne.  Ellis, Rawdog and Tully riffed up this marvelous town of boobs, boos n buds.  Think of it like Mic Dundee meets Crue Town.  Ellis is king and the strip clubs are plentiful, if ya know what I mean mates!  Ellis was also reminiscing, back in real Australia when he was a teen, about some crazy Asian gang of kids that wanted to meat cleave and machete him n his boys.  Some little Linsanity kid got beat up the day before, and rounded up half of Japan to come whoop anyone with a skateboard.  Obviously Ellis got away, but thats some crazy shit that he said seemed to happen a lot back there.  Tully knew some dude that got beaten here in America by a group of 10year old kids pretty bad too, but nothing about machetes n asians.  I knew some group of kids named #ellisfam that fucked your mom.  Shoutout to those crazy fuckers!

Good friend of the show Thomas Haden Church called in to wish Ellis a Happy Moon Birthday.  It turns out THC has an angelic voice that harmonizes with peace.  He sung Ellis a Happy Birthday that is worthy of any ‘Best Of’ next week.  Its not surprising since he was the lead singer of a band back in the day named “Wall of Dogs”.  Probably would have been the next Molly Hatchet if the guitarist didnt up n go OD on heroin.  Maybe Death! Death! Die! can get him on a track in the future.  The Future’s birthday was yesterday……and last night too!  Seems Ellis Mate and a group of friends including Donald Schultz, Benji Madden and many more, went out to the strip club.  The same strip club Josh’s sister works at, just leave it at that!  Sounded like fun, boobies, boobies, party, boobies, Katie, boobies, Malice, boobies, your moms boobies.  All in all a good birthday night.  Seems Rawdog and Tullys nights weren’t as sweet as the Wing.  Trust Fund Boy was awoken to his roommate and two chicks coming home from the Madonna concert.  They were reliving the night on one of their cellphones while poor ol Josh was trying to get his sleep to battle the Aids he recently aquired.  Thats bad, but this is worse.  With Superdad in charge, little Linsanity snuck away and found a sticker on the floor, and babies will be babies ya know.  So Tully hears him coughing and runs in to see the little dude full on vomiting from this piece of paper.  The sticker happend to be like 80 years old, but it sounds like everything came back up and little Oxford should be just fine.  Im not so sure about Will’s kid though.  Tullys story reminded Jizz Cult when he shoved a fork up his sons ass to help relieve the constipation he was suffering.  Fucking Jizzcult is a sick dude man.  He did however make up for it by offering to get Ellis tickets to Voodoo Fest in New Orleans later this month, so I guess he’s not that bad.  Plus his shins are fucking sweet too!

Lindsay Lohan’s back at it again, The Chateau Marmont that is.  Seems she is no longer banned from their establishment for her $46,000 bill, how nice.  Shes also being nice to her mom again, saying the bitch wasn’t on coke like she previously said.  Lindsay also said shes done with her father for good, and wants Ellis to suck a dead horses dick by voting for Mitt Romney.  Shes really turning a new leaf towards being a real American hero.  Hulk Hogans video was on topic again, focusing on the video being Black and White.  Tully and Ellis figured it to be the security cameras from maybe Bubba’s house, since he was allegedly a paranoid dude.  They also conspired the video was maybe leaked by an old show member, since the video could easily be saved if sent via email to one another.  DId you know the swinghouse has surveillance cameras….which means absolutely dick since Will doesn’t ever catch anyone doing shit.  Speaking of catching shit, remember the dude from Florida who refilled Enemas with the liquid, after he had ran it through his body one time for good luck, and then returned about a dozen to the store to be resold to innocent people.  Yeah well that sick fucker is facing 10 years or $250K bail for his escapades.  Thats good to know, and so is the news that Katie has Butt Chugged before.  Even though she had never heard the term, and didn’t use beer, she did admit to ‘Wine Chugging’ one time in her life.  #RedDragons

A new segment was introduced today, “Men, Am I Right?”.  We heard such hilariousisms as the man in London who used his microwave to dry his socks and underwear, and burnt his house down.  Or what about the guy in Michigan who threatened to burn his apartment complex down, while cooking squirrel with a propane blow torch.  And don’t forget the Wisconsin guy who was last seen fucking a yellow couch on the side of the road.  He was identified when he ran from the cops…..into the front door of his house.  Being a man, all I got from this segment really was you must both cook your squirrel very well done to kill all the rabies and nah mate, you are!  Bestie McBestington stopped by the studio before checking out his Baltimore Oreo’s in playoff action tonight, and to pick up his credit card he forgot at the strip club last evening.  Tully and Benji tried to jinx each other since Tully routes for the opposing New York Yankees.  Jason and Rawdog both learned that their really the Baltimore Orioles, but what the fuck ever dude its baseball.  Benji Madden learned who Thomas Haden Church is, and asked to be hooked up for a play date with him and Ellis.  They even practiced what each other would say.  It got really gay for a while at this point.  Luckily five guys showed up and everything was better…..that place has the best burgers I swear!  Bestie talked about wanting to buy a place back in Maryland, gave everyone a shoutout, and went off to be awesome.

 

Remember that binder of old show clips Tully found the other day.  Jackpot!  They broke out one of the clips today for us to preview, and mentioned possibly using more for some of the ‘Best Of’ shows next week.  Todays clip was a 10 minute segment they did with Ryo Chonan, the only man to ever submit Anderson Silva!  I’d love to tell you what this skit was about, but much like Big Fucking Mega Boat, I haven’t the fucking slightest.  It was from about 4 or 5 years ago, Ellis was the narrator, and Ryo drops his lines in and out of some old 36 Chambers of Death background.  Oh, he did kill some bitch by cuming on her, that I did catch.  All in all it was pretty funny, and they replayed the skit in its entirety at the very end of the show if your interested.  What your not intersted in was Rawdogs new segment, New Movie Friday.  The only thing worth while here was the intro that had to be sung by Will Pendarvis, the human button bar.  After that, well how do you expect a visual aided skit to properly work on a radio show?  They did preview a few movies of note, such as Here Comes the Boom featuring Kevin James and Jason “Mayhem” Miller, Argo, Cloud Atlas, The Hobbit and maybe the most promising of all Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes.  This Bigfoot movie appeared to have a nice Blair Witch allure to it.  Oh, they also talked a little about the new James Bond movie SkyFall, but the whole New Movie Friday thing had killed the show so who gives a fuck!  The rest of Final Calls was about how Sylvester Stallone has some hidden beef with Carl Weathers since hes not in either of the Expendable movies, and what’s the best horror movie of all time? The Woodsman and Creepshow 2 were two of mine and their favorites that were mentioned.  I love that line from Creepshow 2, “Thanks for the ride Lady!” – I use it every time Im done fucking your mom, Oh!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/11/2012

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Its the Birthday re-cap. Not my birthday, it’s the other Jason’s birthday, the Australian Jason. Illness is still running rampant throughout the Swinghouse and it seems that the Tussin Baby has caught a bit of the sniffles, most likely from Tully. Speaking of Tully, he saw a black and a white gay buddy criminal team get arrested in the front of the studios on his way in. Like a modern day Billy & Clyde. Tasmanian Devils are rough lovers and they are extinct, except for the ones that are still alive, other wise they are all dead from disease. I blame the Herpes Badger, that motherfucker don’t give a shit, he gives Herpes. Ellis is going to be test driving some new dirt bikes while on vacation and says he needs a kidney belt so his 41 year old guts won’t get busted up so bad. Ellis watched a fairy mermaid barbie movie with Devin and was laughing at them tripping balls on some berries. I have seen this movie a number of times (I have 3 daughters, give me a fucking break) and also laugh at the “berries,” guess that was a little less obvious than shrooms. The guys talked a bit about the Hogan sex tape and the long of the short of it is whoever released that shit is fucked up. Nellie’s bus got busted in Sierra Blanca, Texas. You know the town that every tour bus has to go through even though they know they’re gonna get fuck with. Dumb asses.

Baby got back for days and days and days and days and days and days and days and…you get the fucking point.

There was a news story about an 1100lb woman. I’m not sure of the details because I can’t get past the fact that she weighs that much! How does she poop? Is it smelly? Does someone shave her cookie for her? Here’s the story if your more interested than me. Do you like noodles? I fucking love noodles, but not as much as this kid. Here’s the “I want my noodles”video sent in by bitPimps. An Australian man got kicked out of bar for having the worst mullet ever. I don’t think it’s the worst I’ve ever seen, but he ain’t no Billy Ray either. Zack Efron gets pissed on by Nicole Kidman in new movie, not sure what else to say about this, better than a story about a dudes mullet that’s fo sho! A guy called in to talk about his double baloney amputee girlfriend and how she is awesome in skating and snowboarding and other awesome shit. Ellis might have her on the show, hopefully that will be a cool interview to listen to. The guys then turned their attention tho politics and government, then the Libertarian party and their no taxes idea, and with no taxes there’s no laws so fuck it, let’s PARTAY! WWED? What would Ellis do; relationship advise. A dude is bored with his girlfriend, Jason says to dress as a dog and a nurse and fuck, Tully says to cheat, that shit works every time, what can go wrong.

see, he likes it.

Surprise, it’s Jagar Beard for a special appearance. I’m not going to spoil too much but this is defiantly worth listening to and I have one of those faces that people can trust. Ellis bought Thomas Hayden Church’s Porsche, good for him. Malice @Malice666Mcmunn (Katies friend) came into the studio today. She told us delightful stories about how she was abused, bounced from foster home to foster home, had an abusive mother, a drug habbit, and how she fisted her friend with rubber gloves on  because her friend was a dirty whore. She’s also a self proclaimed cougar and if your a young dude on the streets she might just pull you inter her rape wagon and have her way with you and then you can write to Penthouse and tell them all about it. Malice is on Instagram at malicexxx and says she loves Instagram because its all asses and babies. It’s like, awwww, ooooh, awwwwww, ohhhhh. They played Jagar Beard’s survival quiz and all I really got from it is in any situation you need to zig zag while cooking grass hoppers with ants in your cookie while acting like Andy Dick. Do you know what you should do if yer mum starts to run at you suddenly? Nothing, she can’t run with all that dried up jizz making her thighs stick together, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/10/2012

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I wrote for Love Connection, so neener, neener, neener!

Happy get your fuck on day, everybody! Mel Gibson might be a bit misunderstood, if not abusive, but he makes pretty great movies – such as “What Men Tell Women They Better Fucking Do, Or Else” – love that movie. Hey, it’s Ellis’ Australian birthday today, he’s 41. Did you wish him a happy birthday or even send him a nude photo of your boobs or moobs? Chicks look awkward when playing sports or guitars, it’s just a fact of the world. Tully and Will found some more old CDs of the show from 2007 or so, they listened to some of it after yesterday’s show and it sounds like Tully will go through and pick out some things he thinks Ellis and everyone else may enjoy listening to. Maybe this will be part of the “Best Of” we’ll be hearing next week while the show is on vacation?

And then Sam Ruben left the show.

KTLA’s Hollywood gossip dude, Sam Ruben, came on the show today saying he exchanged emails with Tully. Turns out it wasn’t Tully at all, it was Pendarvis that he emailed back and forth with, he was trying to get Ellis on his show after several people canceled on him. Sam seems like he totally does not respect anyone on the show except Ellis, he certainly was coming off as an elitist of sorts – at least that’s how I took it. Okay, Sam finally fucking left, which left oxygen for the rest of the guys to breathe and have a moment to say something. Man, that dude can talk, right?

Batman approves.

And then we get New Music Wednesday. Talk about a dick punch. Lightening Train got his shot to make an intro button to the segment, it was pretty terrible but hey, they can’t all be winners. All we can hope for now is that The Jingleberries tear him a new asshole when they make fun of his grunt pump noises. Are you an aspiring comedian? Want to be crucified some constructive criticism? Send in a clip of stand-up routine to EllisParodies@gmail.com for a shot at getting your shit played on the show. Remember that story Rawdog started last week, where he was talking about walking around NYC after the show? He made butt sects with some dude that night, at his sister’s bar. Okay, that’s not true at all, the real story is that two people recognized him and said “hi.” Cool story, bro. Another cool story is how I tricked your mom into showing me her tits. I asked her if she knew what kind of bees give milk. Boobees. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/9/2012

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You’re all wrong, it’s butt chugged piss!

It’s Tuesday and I want this stupid bitch client to get fucked with a Rambo knife, she’s such a stupid cunt. Okay, sorry. I just had to get that out. Look, nobody is gonna tell Ellis what to do, nobody is gonna tell me what to do, and nobody is gonna tell you what to do either. Fuck all that shit. Mayhem is flipping his shit? Duh. He’s gonna go through whatever it is he’s going through and hopefully he’ll pull himself back out of it and carry on. Carry on my wayward son, there’ll be peace when you are done, lay your weary head to rest, don’t you cry no more. Shit, I did not mean to bust out some Kansas, that shit just happened. Sounds like Ellis might have gotten another book deal, it’s not 100% solidified, but it sounds like it might be close to that. Yelawolf was on Jude’s show sometime in the past, he left a bottle of his pain killers there – which Jude was ready to munch until Yelawolf came back to get them. We found out who the mastermind was behind Mayhem being completely fucked up at EllisMania 8, Jude. He gave him drugs. Can you believe Jude has never done coke? Me neither, that’s kinda fucking weird considering how into synthetics he is.

At least pretend to give a fuck.

That chick that sings with Death! Death! Die!, @lisadonnelly, was on the show today to hear her latest work on the “In The Water” song. She might sing about her alleged large dick in the song, but she’s unwilling to hump Ellis or Rawdog’s leg with her very real cookie. Ellis and Lisa sang an acoustic version of “Load” while Tully strummed the guitar, and I assume Rawdog just sat there being all sad while thinking about the load he shot on his now ex-girlfriend’s face. Ellis went into story mode and started telling of the time when his dad beat his ass because he wasn’t washing his car or something, that’s when everyone started chiming in to turn his story into song form – it was beautiful. More importantly, Lisa has a new album coming out soon, she’s unsure of the name of the album at this point, but you can pre-order or “pledge” to her album. Here comes a really cool thing, you can donate some money and do a song with her, or collaborate on song, etc. Just think of the possibilities, you could have your own “If You Love Me, Start Butt Chugging” jam or maybe something like “Dick Cancer Karate Chop”, you get the idea.

That’s not desire, she just needs to take a massive shit.

Multiple sex toy owner Adrianne Curry came on the show today, newly almost divorced and already with one boyfriend left in the dust. She said she fucked herself a lot while being married because Peter Brady (aka Christopher Knight) wasn’t fucking her, but maybe it’s because she’s a nympho and his old ass couldn’t keep up. She wants to have a monogamous fuckfest with someone, she’s not into multiple partners because she’s scared of catching a disease – so that would seem to strike Ellis off the list of a potential fuck partner. She’s also anti-butt stuff, including rim jobs – her words, “I know what comes out of my ass after all my protein shakes and Jager bombs, and it ain’t pretty.” She also claimed to have “swamp vagina” during her visit on the show. That is one classy broad, good to see all that charm school is paying off for her. Overall, she is a pretty good guest, she talks like “just one of the guys” and is pretty open when discussing herself.

America’s first and whitest Blood gang member.

Hey, you ever do any butt chugging? If so, get out of my sight. Wanna see an old guy holding a press conference about butt chugging? Well here you go! Guess who’s the new owner of www.fucktully.com? Nope, not some random fan, but Tully himself! He has no idea what he’s doing with it yet, but one could only be lead to believe that there will be some fuck Tully available at rock bottom prices. Everyone’s favorite, South African, racist, animal lover, and director of Big Fucking Mega Boat, Donald Schultz, stopped by the show today after doing the Bean and Playboy shows earlier. He says that he has been getting a lot of positive feedback from the movie, and after the release of BFMB, it’s unknown how long he can keep James Cameron and Judd Apatow at bay. Speaking of keeping cock hungry whores at bay, your mom is now all over Schultz’s tube steak smothered in underwear, which is weird because he’s not only racist, but white, and yet she wants him to “show her it’s true what they say about black men”, so he plans to stab her and steal her purse. OH!