Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/6/2012

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What the fuck is your problem? Come at me bro!

Hey fucker, did you vote? Well did ya? Huh? Vote? VOTE? DID YOU VOTE? Fucking hell, we’re almost over it, and I know we’ll all be much happier when we stop hearing about politics and shit. Oh, and when Rawdog has to suck that dead horses dick. Speaking of which, dead horse dick guy called into the show to confirm details on the 10-12 inches of limp, dead horse dick he will be sending to the show. Shit is getting serious, folks. Ellis has decided that he’s going to be a weightlifter. Make of that what you will, but sounds like Rawdog will joining Ellis at the gym, pumping iron. Bets are already rolling in on when Rawdog will be quitting his new found love for weightlifting. HOLY SHIT! Ellis and Tully almost got knocked over by the zit on Rawdog’s temple, Tully thinks it’s big enough to be registered to vote. Canadians are all wondering what it’s like to vote in a leader of the free world, and boy are they’re bitter about it. What do you think about having a vampire as a President? Who cares, Jude came in to the studio and he don’t give a shit about that or Joe Biden’s hair line. Know what else? Jude don’t snitch, except when it’s on Rawdog, because that shit’s fun as fuck son!

I look the same after lifting weights as I do when I go to Home Depot.

Nobody else could fit in the studio because of that fetus of zit growing on Rawdog’s head, so Ellis took matters into his own hands and aborted that thing. I thought I heard a spank noise and crying afterwards, but that may have just been my imagination. Hollywood news times again, Lindsay Lohan did or said something or another, I’m not sure. All I know is she’s not worth talking about, plus I can’t stop thinking about that goiter on Rawdog’s head. Kirstie Alley said her and Patrick Swayze fell in love on the set of some piece of shit movie, but they were both already married so they never actually physically fucked, only emotionally. Ellis will be going to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, who all have great tits, and Katie had never seen National Lampoon’s Vacation until last night. Nobody really knows how that is even possible, but then again, nobody really knows what trimester that thing on Rawdog’s head was in. Would you live with Ewoks? Some people think Ewoks are adorable, Ellis would marry 17 of them, and thanks to Tully, we learned way more than we needed to know about Ewoks. Is JizzCult really Superman? Does this explain why he always disappears? Is he out there fighting crime? We’ll never know his real identity or how deep his love is for Cumtard.

This is why you don’t see any pictures of your mother as a child.

Will weed be legalized today in Colorado? HAHHAHAAAMOTHEROFPEARLHAHHA Fuck no, even if it passed, some shit dick would leak shit out of their dick until it was illegal again. What a dick full of shit. Will murder be legalized in West Virginia? You better hope the fuck not, because there’s going to be an influx of pussies from West Virginia making an exodus, maybe into your state. The rest of those crazy fuckers will be looking to murder some shit in their murdering-ass state. New Music Tuesday flashback to November 6, 1992 – will it be good or will it be shit? Things kicked off with some Rage Against The Machine, which is fucking kick your grandma down a flight of stairs awesome! Things went straight to shit from there with Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Whitney Houston, and Jade. Ice Cube kind of picked up the pieces of shit that had fallen from the previous three gaping bands, The Pharcyde, and Kool G Rap & DJ Polo helped as well. Then we had some sad ass Leonard Cohen, followed up by some gay ass Bon Jovi, some stupid ass Biohazard, some punk ass NOFX, and some hokey ass Ween. Next up, Ellis Jeopardy, or what I like to call, Tully’s going home with an extra 6 bucks. Then final calls, and we all know how well those usually go so no surprises there. You’re grandpa used to tell all his friends a joke that involved your mom. It went like this, “How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on her teddy bear.” And that’s why still to this day, your mother cries when someone gives her a teddy bear and 10 bucks. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 11/1/2012

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Its the first day of ‘Movember’ so get your facial hair looking sharp ma’fuckers!  Speaking of hair, why in the fuck did humans decide to go hairless along their evolution, making coats out of sabertooth tigers and shit. Like Ellis says, we were born monkeys and then we just said fuck it, shave my friends tonight.  Ellis added we have grown taller and with less hair over our existence, and that a receding hairline is ultimately the future.  Tully added the reason Asians are smaller than most races is cause of their malnutrition over their history.  Of course this doesn’t explain anyone of African decent and speaking of Africa, how in the fuck did they get all the cool animals and why can’t Donald Schultz ship a container of Cialis to Africa so poachers stop killing rhinos for old asian dudes, seriously!  Even Rhinos can’t escape the mean streets of impotency.  Apparently Uncle Mayhem can’t escape a bunch of tweets asking him when he’s going to be back on The Jason Ellis Show and hug it out.  Ellis is right here, Mayhem is going to do what Mayhem is going to do, and we ain’t going to change his mind at all – let the man live!  Speaking of men, Rawdog manned up and agreed to test out a flying jetski with Ellismate sometime over the next few weeks, and if so instant Ellismania.com gold!  So I guess Will Smith and Jada Pinkett haven’t gotten a divorce, but i know for a fact that dude can’t rap anymore.  When you got it, you got it.  Cumtard says he ain’t got it right now, despite Ellis saying he is looking great these days.  Cumtard hasn’t been having the best of luck with pitching his screen plays or with the ladies.  Rock bottom isn’t her just yet as he hasn’t contemplated selling his ass for money, but he is close as he is willing to butt chugg for ellismania.com.  So Tully and Ellis schooled him up on how to avoid the friend zone…..just fuck her!  Tully suggest to fuck some sea turtle first as women can detect if you’ve been fucking recently, but they can’t determine the quality of the pussy.  You gotta be sure of yourself, as if it doesn’t matter either way.

 

The Shiznight!

Cee Lo Green maybe didn’t rape that lady, as she’s claiming this shit happened a few months ago.  Gene Hackman is into beating the shit out of homeless dudes, but he knows them and gives em money so its mellow.  Chris Brown kept his doucheness up to par by dressing as a terrorist for Halloween, and theres no link to a story cause fuck that dude.  Speaking of fuck that dude, Jizz Cult  hooked the show up with some old show intros from the last few years.  It was the Shiznight!  Some pretty funny shit, most you’ve heard but a few Im sure you won’t remember.  Ellis is a ‘lifestyle enthusiast’ bringing ‘grenades of fury’ to the radio, a fucking google legend! Sounds like the shows headed to a 15 minute intro of Ellis playing spoonman with his dick subtly behind your traditional Faction music.  So the NFL sucks for wearing pink during October, but not cause its for a good charity (we think), but its just not for the right reasons, but who fucking cares that was last month.  All Rawdogs go to heaven, and all sparrows go to San Juan Capistrano, oh and all sharks that fall from the sky land on the 12th tee.  All sharks that fight in Ellis Mania 9 must die, with Ellis opposing them!  Its about the time he gets a tank, and takes it to the next level, so extreme.  Rawdog told us yesterday that GrillEmAll is fucking badass and Cumtard confirmed it.  Ellis n Tully are thinking field trip, and of opening up the cutest cuddliest most metal spot to get your puppies…….”Master of Puppies”.  Is set to take over the nation, and is the only way to adopt a puppy.  Oh and if you need to adopt a new catch phrase, why don’t you try ‘Bong, Bong‘, it works for the RZA so why not you!

 

 

Domino’s says they have made the pizza delivery vehicle of the future.  Notice how the name of it kinda sucks too.  Tully has a better idea, how about you just cook the fucking pizza on the way there, it don’t get no fresher than that!  Im not too sure if I trust Tully’s judgement on this one, or when he said he pictures every man with a hugh cock.  He also confirmed what we’ve all been wondering, that Chip n Dale dancers do have hugh cocks as well.  They really caught the gay their for a minute, until Rawdog bailed them out with a game of his, Name That Button.  He basically took some buttons from the show, slowed them down to where they sounded all creepy n shit, and Ellis, Cumtard and Tully had to guess em.  Pretty simple shit, but lots of fun if you want to go back and check it out, like the birth of slowed down Macgrubertallica, and a bad ass Red Dragons from Maria Brink.  Ellis whopped up on Tully and Cumtard, but in the end we all were the winners here folks, Bong Bong!

 

How come you got tits, but                 I ain’t  got no dick?

So what is it about being a man, then wanting to be a woman, but then back to a man again just before they decide they’re going to cut off your dick.  Just try shaving your eyebrows first, and make sure you can handle some shit like that.  So Rawdog doesn’t want to be a cyborg that bad.  Tully asked him if he would be a cyborg but have no dick, or just be normal and Rawdog actually chose himself over a half man half robot.  California says if your gay but think your not gay, and you need ‘conversional therapy’, well fuck off!  It sounds like a good deal for those kids who are gay, and their parents don’t believe it and force them to do this kind of therapy.  All thats cool but then Tully was stopped in his tracks when the show finally got a caller who was a woman, but now its a man with a working dick.  Not just any dick but a ‘Donor Dick’.  Since Tully has checked the yes box on his license for organ donor, he’s not too sure he has made such a good decision.  So this dude uses a pump to work his junk, which was some other dudes junk long before.  He got the dead dudes balls and everything, but unfortunately he didn’t get a ‘dick diary’ with it so he knew its history.  But that still didn’t answer Tully’s burning question ‘Is somebody going to get his cock?”  Thankfully your mom called in and confirmed that she would in fact be getting Tully’s cock immediately after the show.

If You Could Ask Will Pendarvis One Question, What Would It Be?

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Want to be a part of something that may or may not happen? Want to ask Will “Shiny Shins” Pendarvis a question? Well now is your chance! I’m going to be straight with you here. I have no idea if Pendarvis The 3rd will even read this, much less answer anything. But you never know until you try. So here’s the deal. You ask your questions on Twitter using the #AskShindarvis hashtag so we can track them. We’ll go through and pick the best 10 or so questions and send them off. You’ll get credit for your question and if Slick Willy answers, we’ll update this post with his answers. Sound good? Let’s play!

UPDATE: Will was nice enough to answer the questions we posed to him and it turned out to be pretty fucking awesome! So go read “Behind the Curtain With Will Pendarvis”

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/31/2012

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Boo motherfucker!  What else would you wanna do on Halloween but kill someone, but like for real!  Thats what Ellis is all about today, and Adrianne Curry equates it to tripping balls basically, well the whole hallucinogenic part of it anyways.  Ahhhh Adrianne Curry, makes me wanna go “Shazing”, which is the sound made when your dick goes into a perfectly fitting carnival or shitbox.  Always learning something on the Jason Ellis Show, like Jason wants a sex couch, Rawdog is a Beverly Hills Ninja for Halloween, and that Adrianne goes to strip clubs for a nice place to talk.  She also said its cool if you check out another chic, but no more than 10 seconds.  But if the nipples are hard, then its ok for at least 20 seconds.  But good ol’ Ellismate found the loophole, if your seeing if her ass is real or fake, you can stare as long as it takes.  Some other shit we learned, some dude called in with 2 dicks and its called Diphallia, and strippers fucking freak out when they see it.  Apparently dude can piss or cum out of either of them.  Gnarly!  Speaking of cool shit with dicks, Ellis can slap his dick and make a Spoon Man kinda vibe with it, which he later in the show recorded and played live!!!  We also learned that “Randy” in Australia means horny, and it gives RawDog’s ‘Macho Man’ voice a whole new meaning.  Then Adrianne found the shake weight and we all stopped and listened……..

 

 

The elections are almost over people, and this little girl is sick of Bronk Obama and this whole erection thing.  Then we learned more about rape, and how in some states dudes can claim rights of “their child” in situations of impregnating a lady they raped.  Fucking sick right – Adrianne said she take a crowbar to the thing if she wasn’t allowed to choose.  Shoebox said he got accused of rape his senior year of high school.  Some bitch put him through the ringer for a while, and then just admitted it was a lie = CUNT!  Speaking of cunts, Cee Lo has been accused of rape and of not skipping a midnight snack.  Best spot for a snack near Hollywood, Adrianne suggests Hatfield’s and Rawdog offered Grill ’em All.  Shoebox offered us the TV series ‘The Walking Dead‘, which Rawdog said wasn’t that good, so its probably the greatest show ever made.  Oh man, serious Halloween tip for you here, Adrianne reminded us if your going to fuck a zombie you gotta remember lube!  That goes for any ladies in their eighties too kids!  And if you somehow impregnate this zombie bitch and make a zombie son you can always name him either Chainsaw, Cannibal or Hannibal, all solid choices and Ellismate approved.  Seriously though people, if the zombies do come for real, Ellismate is heading straight for the jet skis.  Not bad idea, unless you follow @SharkPeople on twitter!

 

Nothing gay about this at all.

What is the World’s Greatest Thing Done While on Cocaine?  Could it be Lawrence Taylor or Michael Irvin, both of which won superbowls and did mad whores while on coke.  Maybe its Stephen King who wrote his best novels with a toot here or there.  And who could forget musicians like Eric Clapton or bands like Fleetwood Mac.  Oh fuck, how about that one dude who called in a while back and rubber banded his junk, contorted it until he got it in his ass, and literally fucked himself!  Possibly the winner was Elvis and his days of liquid cocaine, but we will truly never know who or what, is, the World’s Greatest Wednesday since they just gave up on it!   We did learn some key info though, like Adrianne once won a bet to sniff a bands name spelled out in coke, and that Stevie Nicks blew her nose out so bad she had to take lines up the ass.  And if your going to fuck while on cocaine, either get it hard first, or pop a cialis before the start of your night!

 

   “Yo Yo, Hook Me Up Homie!”

If you haven’t noticed Tully isn’t in today, so in keeping in the spirit of #fucktully, our good ol’ friend Jizz Cult laced us with his pics on Instagram, so be sure to follow @Deadletters on Instagram for all of Will’s hilarious photos.  Adrianne used to have a pet Tarantula, and it bit her, and she got really fucking sick from it, Woman Am I Right?  Seriously ladies, don’t ever drop a “Yo Yo, Hook Me Up Homie!” if you in bed with a dude, cause its a legitimate reason to hit a bitch.  Speaking of my homies, check out Tony Hawk’s RIDE Channel on youtube for todays featured video of Birdman and Ellismate, bon appetite!  Rawdog had a game for Shoebox, Adrianne and Ellis, all Halloween themed and shit.  The game was lame, but the voice Rawdog blessed us with was classic!  Think of it like a cross between Rip Taylor and The Monster Mash dude.  The rest of the show was spent on the the new segment, “What have you stuck your dick in?”  We’ve done this before, but with Adrianne in studio it seemed a good time to refresh our memories.  Of course we got the basics out of the way, such as a vacuum cleaner, warm shampoo bottles, and in between two mattresses.  Some dude called in about the time he and his buddy DP’d a calf-liver.  And how could we forget the guy who cut a hole in the wall and lost his virginity to it.  He goes back from time to time to visit his family and his ex.  Cans of corn beef, pie filling, trannies, basically anything slightly warm and gooey will do.  The winner for me, some dude fucked a bong and later his buddy took a bong rip from it, what a douche.  From there the show was bombarded with ‘Dick Sticking Stories’ from a ton of #EllisFam, all of whom are listed here, that have fucked your mom over and over and over!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/23/2012

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It’s Tuesday, and is there a Heaven for the EllisFam?  Some random preacher dude was telling Ellis, before the show, some shit about the Ultimate Real of heaven.  How everyone would be the funniest ever, and know everyone better than they did before, and have legendary licks just like Jimi Hendrix.  Bullshit!  Would be more like hell for Chad Reed if everyone could handle a Kawasaki like ol’ 22!  Tully thinks the world is culturally imperialistic for thinking their region specific religion is better than anyone elses, well with the internet giving us access to all walks of life.  He was also on Steam Pipe Alley back in the day, but thats a whole other story!  Back to Jesus, so if Heavens so freaking sweet, why don’t we off ourselves and go right now?  Cause fucking Oxford said suicide don’t get you into heaven, oh and God wants you to grapple with cancer for a few before your ready, nice to know!  If you were ever curious the difference between the new and old testaments, think of it like the difference between 311 and Danzig.  Also, make sure to not get TJ Lavin started on all this religious talk since Jesus causes hangovers. Remember kids, Pro Satan and Pro Forgiven! And as far as Rawdogs concerned, “Just don’t mess with the Jews and your ok!”

 

You can’t see him, but this guy is pointing to Tully. Show business is a mother fucker!

Axl Rose was at the Bridge School Benefit preforming acoustically with GNR.  She’s still got it!  After watching this video, Ellis compared it to Honey Boo Boo for others, a train wreck you can’t look away from.  He honestly thinks someone killed Axl, replaced him, and were watching this new shitty Axl.  Tully thinks its just the Marlboro Reds catching up to him, but #fucktully right.  Backbone called in to confirm the stories of random people being paid royally, to be on call for weeks to months at a time, in case Axl decided he was ready to record Chinese Democracy….which only took like 20 years and 17 million bucks to complete.  Cullen also said he recently saw Slash play with Myles Kennedy and they were shredding like the ledges they are!  Speaking of shredding, there is plenty of it in the 2012 Reverse Awards.

Contestants Brittany and Abby for this year’s “Person With the Least Amount of Heads” Award

Rawdog went through this years categories again, and they discussed and finalized the contestants.  Rawdog will post a site for us soon……….So keep your eyes open on twitter, and here, for the link to the website so you can vote for who you think is this years “Most Human Looking” or “Least Rapey Father”!  Oh yeah, don’t forget that Tim McGraw still hates the show – #TruckYeah

 

 

So some dude in New Jersey bit his finger off, after being transported between the hospital and lock up a few times, while high on PCP.  Meanwhile, these two other guys got naked, sacrificed some birds, set their house on fire, and put a shotgun barrel to the chest of a police officer….and only one of them died.  Sounds like cult activity to me, a Jizz Cult perhaps?  Speaking of Jizz Cult, we finally got to use his New Music Tuesday intro.  You know, the one that started all of this intro madness.  It took a while, and an unnecessary conference call, but we got to hear the pay off we’ve all been waiting for.  All this just giving way to Josh and his 2 week back up of Audio Ejaculate all over your earballs!  Tons of shit here to go back and check out, 12 artists in all, a really swell time.  Ellis is having a swell time on Hollywood Uncensored recently, even though he was getting ragged on for being so old and still wearing hats n shit.  But you know the Wing is comfortable with himself and is doing his thing, so fuck off.  You know who’s not comfortable, old baseball managers in those tight ass uniforms with their gunts pouring out of their stretch pants.  Could you imaging Phil Jackson rocking a Lakers warmup set on the sideline?  Old People, am I right?

 

Really dude – Can’t skip the shake and extra large fries once in a while?

 

Since Tully’s still on his vacation away from his family, he’s been staying up late and got to go get some RoRos Chicken.  What he hasn’t been doing is participating in the Fantasy Slut League that some Bay Area high school kids were running, until they got busted of course.  He has however been dreaming of dressing like Professor Moneybags from Monopoly.  Ellis suggested he makes it rain in the strip club if he did such a thing.  Speaking of making it rain, think you can make it rain laughter with your stand up routine?  Email your shit to ellisparodies@gmail.com and you can get reviewed live on the show like Jeff Judd did today.  Rawdog thinks he can, and almost had a bet lined up with Tully and Ellis to see who could do the best 5 minute routine.  Rawdog suggested they do their shit in a club, and the crowd’s applause can decide who won.  Tully had a different idea, to still do their 5 minute routine, but on the Ellis Show….and loser has to preform the same routine in some random comedy club in the ghetto.  Nothing got finalized but maybe more on this in the future.  Apparently Rawdog had no idea he has done a live set once before at the Pink Taco back in Ellis Mania 4, Classic!  He does remember that he wants to do acid at some point in his life, but Tully suggested to do really good shrooms instead.  They all agree whichever drug you do, watch VideoDrome while doing it.  Of course Rawdog would hate this movie, since he hates anything with old special effects.  The Matrix blows if you watch it now, since its so old and outdated.  He also thinks older cartoons are better because they have less visually, but are still as good as todays with their better writing and jokes.  Sufferin’ Succotash! (See it’s not funny people).  Don’t worry, Butterballs stopped by to save the day, and hooked his junk up to the RC Car to give the old tug and pull.  This isn’t his first dance with such obstacles  since he once did the Disco Balls challenge.  That guy has so much heart, but not as much as your mom….she never stops gaping and buttchugging, a true competi-whore!