It’s Tuesday, and is there a Heaven for the EllisFam? Some random preacher dude was telling Ellis, before the show, some shit about the Ultimate Real of heaven. How everyone would be the funniest ever, and know everyone better than they did before, and have legendary licks just like Jimi Hendrix. Bullshit! Would be more like hell for Chad Reed if everyone could handle a Kawasaki like ol’ 22! Tully thinks the world is culturally imperialistic for thinking their region specific religion is better than anyone elses, well with the internet giving us access to all walks of life. He was also on Steam Pipe Alley back in the day, but thats a whole other story! Back to Jesus, so if Heavens so freaking sweet, why don’t we off ourselves and go right now? Cause fucking Oxford said suicide don’t get you into heaven, oh and God wants you to grapple with cancer for a few before your ready, nice to know! If you were ever curious the difference between the new and old testaments, think of it like the difference between 311 and Danzig. Also, make sure to not get TJ Lavin started on all this religious talk since Jesus causes hangovers. Remember kids, Pro Satan and Pro Forgiven! And as far as Rawdogs concerned, “Just don’t mess with the Jews and your ok!”
Axl Rose was at the Bridge School Benefit preforming acoustically with GNR. She’s still got it! After watching this video, Ellis compared it to Honey Boo Boo for others, a train wreck you can’t look away from. He honestly thinks someone killed Axl, replaced him, and were watching this new shitty Axl. Tully thinks its just the Marlboro Reds catching up to him, but #fucktully right. Backbone called in to confirm the stories of random people being paid royally, to be on call for weeks to months at a time, in case Axl decided he was ready to record Chinese Democracy….which only took like 20 years and 17 million bucks to complete. Cullen also said he recently saw Slash play with Myles Kennedy and they were shredding like the ledges they are! Speaking of shredding, there is plenty of it in the 2012 Reverse Awards.
Rawdog went through this years categories again, and they discussed and finalized the contestants. Rawdog will post a site for us soon……….So keep your eyes open on twitter, and here, for the link to the website so you can vote for who you think is this years “Most Human Looking” or “Least Rapey Father”! Oh yeah, don’t forget that Tim McGraw still hates the show – #TruckYeah
So some dude in New Jersey bit his finger off, after being transported between the hospital and lock up a few times, while high on PCP. Meanwhile, these two other guys got naked, sacrificed some birds, set their house on fire, and put a shotgun barrel to the chest of a police officer….and only one of them died. Sounds like cult activity to me, a Jizz Cult perhaps? Speaking of Jizz Cult, we finally got to use his New Music Tuesday intro. You know, the one that started all of this intro madness. It took a while, and an unnecessary conference call, but we got to hear the pay off we’ve all been waiting for. All this just giving way to Josh and his 2 week back up of Audio Ejaculate all over your earballs! Tons of shit here to go back and check out, 12 artists in all, a really swell time. Ellis is having a swell time on Hollywood Uncensored recently, even though he was getting ragged on for being so old and still wearing hats n shit. But you know the Wing is comfortable with himself and is doing his thing, so fuck off. You know who’s not comfortable, old baseball managers in those tight ass uniforms with their gunts pouring out of their stretch pants. Could you imaging Phil Jackson rocking a Lakers warmup set on the sideline? Old People, am I right?
Since Tully’s still on his vacation away from his family, he’s been staying up late and got to go get some RoRos Chicken. What he hasn’t been doing is participating in the Fantasy Slut League that some Bay Area high school kids were running, until they got busted of course. He has however been dreaming of dressing like Professor Moneybags from Monopoly. Ellis suggested he makes it rain in the strip club if he did such a thing. Speaking of making it rain, think you can make it rain laughter with your stand up routine? Email your shit to firstname.lastname@example.org and you can get reviewed live on the show like Jeff Judd did today. Rawdog thinks he can, and almost had a bet lined up with Tully and Ellis to see who could do the best 5 minute routine. Rawdog suggested they do their shit in a club, and the crowd’s applause can decide who won. Tully had a different idea, to still do their 5 minute routine, but on the Ellis Show….and loser has to preform the same routine in some random comedy club in the ghetto. Nothing got finalized but maybe more on this in the future. Apparently Rawdog had no idea he has done a live set once before at the Pink Taco back in Ellis Mania 4, Classic! He does remember that he wants to do acid at some point in his life, but Tully suggested to do really good shrooms instead. They all agree whichever drug you do, watch VideoDrome while doing it. Of course Rawdog would hate this movie, since he hates anything with old special effects. The Matrix blows if you watch it now, since its so old and outdated. He also thinks older cartoons are better because they have less visually, but are still as good as todays with their better writing and jokes. Sufferin’ Succotash! (See it’s not funny people). Don’t worry, Butterballs stopped by to save the day, and hooked his junk up to the RC Car to give the old tug and pull. This isn’t his first dance with such obstacles since he once did the Disco Balls challenge. That guy has so much heart, but not as much as your mom….she never stops gaping and buttchugging, a true competi-whore!