Ask The Jingleberries

Posted on September 3, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Q & A session with the warped, yet genius minds of Bryan Cullen and Mike Cechnicki, who together make up The Jingleberries. Except these were all answered by Cechnicki as Cullen is too busy being the “backbone” of Faction. Nonetheless, this is fucking gold!

We know you both work for Sirius XM, but could you tell us exactly what you each do and / or job titles?
Mike: I do teenagers, mostly. No title. Except the one for my van.

Cullen’s all Faction all the time. We both try to listen to the as much of the show’s as we can, take notes, pull sound bytes, and gather incriminating information for future song ideas. But it’s hard to focus on the Ellis show when that’s only one of fucking gazillions of shows Cullen does for Faction alone. Which is only one of gazillions of entire channels that I do sound design, voices, and production for. At least I don’t have my own show to host too. Cullen isn’t the “Backbone” for nothing. He eats those fucking things for breakfast. Management’s still bitter about having their spines removed.

How did you two meet? Was it strictly through work?
Mike: My first day was a full music channel Production Department staff meeting. That’s what I was hired to do. All the shit between music that radio people think makes the channel have a personality and listeners think are commercials. Things like the show bumpers on Ellis coming back from songs. So at this stupid meeting, everyone goes around the room to introduce themselves to the new guy. As company virgin, I went first, saying my name and that I came from “a warm, wet, pink place.” When it came around to this pasty bald bastard all in black with thick gauges in his ears named Cullen, I think I counted 27 uses of the word “fuck.” And that was it. Kismet.

What made you guys decide to start making song parodies for the show?
Mike: There was a limited run all-punk channel on Sirius before the merger with XM that Cullen was a big part of. He got the idea to do punk style jingles of us singing instead of just “blah blah blah, The Punk Channel” all the time. I had done a bunch of creative jingle style things for the Broadway and Top 40 channels, of all fucking things, so it was second nature. A couple of weeks later, Ellis interviewed LL Cool J who dropped the now infamous “get these balls” all over the place. Cullen decided we should try a parody of LL written around his hostile interview clips. Not long after, Raw Dog revealed he had a trust fund. We haven’t stopped backing over that fucking champion with the parody bus since.

Is there anything that you consider “off limits” when it comes to a song parody?
Mike: I would have said family until Tully broke Separatist code by knocking up a gook. It’s funny. Ellis is really sensitive to race related jokes in songs, but not in conversation. He doesn’t exactly love parodies about him either. They never play twice. So I try to stay away from picking on the host and any racial shit. But not because I’m not racist. I mean, fuck Klingons. Am I right?

Have you ever made a parody that you later felt bad for writing?
Mike: Every one that I sing lead on. Which is most of them. I’m not vocally trained, and that’s part of the joke, but some of them really make me cringe. And I won’t use AutoTune unless its part of the original piece of shit song. If a parody ever takes more than an hour to make, we walk away. Unfortunately, we never have more than 15 minutes and never walk away and these things play over and over. Just to torture me.

Either of you have a favorite parody that you’ve made? Least favorite?
Mike: “Dick in a Box” stands out. Or maybe “I’m on a Boat.” Cullen says those weren’t ours. I remember it differently.

The Jingleberries have a pretty solid cult following. Are / were either of you surprised at how well you were received by both the show and fans?
Mike: I like vaginal sex. Just throwing out Christmas gift ideas. And yes, of course we’re surprised. Not by how fucking amazing we so totally are, but how overwhelmingly positive the feedback always is. Always. I honestly can’t remember one negative comment that wasn’t sarcasm. No comedian of any kind can say that. And it blows me the fuck away. Much as I’d rather actually being blown. See how it comes back around?

If one of you offered $6000 for the other to suck them off, just one time, would either of you do it?
Mike: Honestly, I’m a little bummed to find out that I could have made $6K.

To both of you, if the other got his balls stuck in a relish jar, would you A: Laugh, B: Laugh & take a picture, C: laugh, take a picture, and write a parody about it, or D: help him and keep the secret?
Mike: I put C for everything. Hopefully there weren’t any True or False questions.

Is there anything else you would like to say, shout out, or make fun of?
Mike: I wanna shout out my boy, Prop 37. California’s right to know what’s in your food. That guy’s literally going to save the human race. Oh, and Katie. I don’t know you very well, Katie. But if you keep sitting on the sidelines of battle, I’m just saying, collateral parody damage happens. Even if it gets my dick punched in.

THE END

So there you have it sisters! A kick you right in the asshole interview and a warning shot fired at Katie! Shout out to Mike Cechnicki (@Jingleberries) and Bryan Cullen (@Cullensaidthis) for the awesome interview and for all the great parodies! For a good time, follow them. For more masturbatory material, hit their website: bookhockey.com

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 8/28/2012

Posted on August 28, 2012 by bitPimps 中

This has nothing to do with anything, I just liked it.

Hi guys! Hi! Howdy-diddly-do? Sup? How are yuns? I hope you’re doing better than Lance “One Regal Ball” Armstrong. Is he banging the Olsen twins or something? I don’t even know. He might look good to the ladies and shit, but those ladies ain’t ever seen @rude_jude ballin’ all over the studio while in a k-hole. Speaking of studio, Ellis says it’s time the studio gets a makeover, he wants red carpet and black walls, looking like a photo developing room or some shit like that. Or maybe something else, he’s open to ideas. Being from Alaska, Katie’s pussy had permafrost until Ellis came along to warm up them fallopians. Ellis couldn’t finish the eat like Rawdog challenge yesterday, he skipped the KFC pot pie – which was probably a good thing or we might not be having a live show today.

I hope you’re happy with what you have done!

Dr. Drew stopped by the show today, he was there for an intervention for Rawdog and his eating habits. Rawdog got to hear how his life choices are making Ellis and Tully sad and that his eating habits are not only hurting him, they are hurting the people that love him as well. It was revealed that Rawdog had just seen his therapist a day or two previous to this encounter, and he actually spoke to his therapist about his eating habits and how it has been a topic recently! This is good news because the first step is admitting you have a problem. Rawdog feels like he’s being attacked, and his natural behavior is to not want to be told what to do. The more people are nagging him about his diet, the more he wants to do the exact opposite of what he knows he should be doing, eating healthier. This was actually a pretty involved segment with lots of little bits of information, but the gist is that Ellis is going to back off when it comes to calling out Rawdog for his diet, he will also make an effort to learn how to read more better (get it?) and Rawdog will make an effort to start changing his dietary habits.

Christmas. It’s not just for fucking a stranger in your house anymore!

Melody Jordan was on the show after Dr. Drew and a Danzig break, she’s a porn star who can do porn star things and Rawdog can’t help but to call Bigfoot, Bookfoot. That porn star chick? Her butthole has it’s own twitter, and the owner of that butthole talks a lot about shitting, her shit sewer, enemas, etc.She sounds like mommy’s little disgusting angel. Another porn star came in to join the intensely erotic “taking a shit” discussions, but I missed her name – her name isn’t important though, right? She really sold herself when she said she’s not very interesting, I assume when compared to a gutter slut talking about taking pictures of the shits she takes, you might be considered tame. But lady, let me tell you, I’d probably rather see your porn than the “butt mustard” girl’s porn.

Everything that’s been said about your mom? Yea, it’s all pretty much true.

Today was NMT and boy was it a treat! There was this band, they sucked. And then there was this other band, they blew. After that was another band, terrible. Then, another band, and then the terrorists won. Raccoons have bones in the peckers, and people make toothpicks out of those bones, ALL. THE. TIME. Our home girl @KimDultz called into the show, I think it was about her pussy and some kid related shit, and thanks to @CobraTits, you can listen to her call here. Sorry, I kinda didn’t hear because I was busy imagining her saying nice things about my wiener, can ya blame me? UPDATE: Consider this your notification, it has been decided that we’re replacing “Truck Yeah” with “Butt Yeah” until further notice. Thank you. And now something about your mother. As per usual, she was being her typical self, stupid and annoying. But I kinda felt bad for busting a nut right in her eye after she got done blowing me, so I asked her what was wrong. She said she had a yeast infection. I told her that now she knows what it’s like being with an irritating cunt. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 8/13/2012

Posted on August 13, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Come at me bro-ball!

The Olympics are over, and so is our Olympic coverage. Sure, we never actually wrote one damned thing solely about the Olympics, but that’s just a minor detail we can ignore. I’ll say this though, I bet there was more porn watched online today since the start of the Olympics. I mean, no more of that sweet, sweet, underage poon flipping all over your TV is going to make an impact. By the way, we don’t condone getting sexually aroused by watching that sweet, sweet, underage poon on your TV – that’s just fucking irresponsible and disgusting. I think. Pretty sure. Yup, I’m sure. Speaking of shit that’s just wrong, Cumtard was in the studio today in place of Rawdog – I assume Rawdog’s absence is because his “friend” Mr. X has fallen seriously ill due to all the snowballing he’s been doing lately, and not that he’s at a wedding in New York.

You’d smash that.

Cumtard went to a tranny party this weekend, everybody got naked, slipped into the hot tub, and started getting jacked off by one of the trannies. He claims he stopped it after 3 tugs because he was starting to get a chubby, but I think he’s the only person who actually believes that part. Judging by the picture and eye witness accounts – including from his current house guest, he was flirting all night with this girl and leading her on. I guess if you strike out with a chick because you shit your pants, you’ve only got so many other options. However, the best thing about fucking a tranny is reaching around and pretending it went all the way through. ~~Ellis~~ Staph Shaffington has staph infection on his dick. You read that right. He showed it to Dingo, who promptly flipped the fuck out and said it looked like an over-sized herp. That has got to be fucking horrible, for everyone involved with that pee-pee. In case you missed it on Twitter over the weekend, Mayhem and Dana White traded tweets back and forth. The exchange seemed to start off friendly but quickly started to take an uncomfortable turn. I’ll say one thing about all that, it was the most entertaining thing I saw on Twitter Saturday. Here’s the start of the whole thing. Fuck Kony2012, Mayhem2012, am I right?

That’s how we roll.

Not one to be outdone, Mayhem also got arrested today for being naked, inside a church, and fucking the place up. After hearing of this breaking news, Ellis immediately went to break and sounded bummed out. I’m sorry to say this, but after the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking Mayhem might be slowly losing his mind – and so far that just might turn out to be true, he sure seems to be acting out quite differently than his usual antics. I sure hope that dude turns his shit around before he goes completely off the deep end. On a lighter note and in another “Hey, me and Ellis have this in common” story, he was on a boat with Katie and his kids and got caught in a badass storm. Guess who else got stuck on a boat in a badass storm? Yup, this guy – last week. See? That’s like the 2nd story we’ve had in common, we’re connected now, right? No? Yea, you’re probably right.

Your dad.

And now, final thoughts of the Rawdog Memorial Show… actually, it’s more of a story. One day, guy goes to your mom’s house and tells her that he only wants to spend 5 bucks. She thinks for a bit, then says, meet me in the bedroom down the hall and on the left. The guy goes to the bathroom and then walks to the bedroom. He puts it in and it’s the worst feeling he’s ever had on his dick, it’s like sandpaper and teeth. He pulls out and tells her. “Um. something’s wrong, can you do something about that?” She crinkles her face, then says, “Why of course! But it will run you another five bucks.” She pockets the fiver and goes to the bathroom and is back in no time. The guy puts it back in and now, it’s the complete opposite: it’s the best feeling he’s ever had, and finishes in a flash. Panting, he asks her, “oh my god… that felt amazing… what did you do??” She smiles, and says, “for the extra five bucks, I pick the scabs.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 8/6/2012

Posted on August 6, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Now that Ellis is back from vacation and show is once again live, so is this mu’fuggin’ re-cap, you thug-ass, gangster-ass, bitches. Let’s just get right into it and start this bitch off like Super Fly TNT. Well that was the plan, but as the show started off, Ellis asked why us moron’s listen to him because he stuck M&M’s in his dick, oh and we’re obsessed and psychotic! Kind of sounds like a downer, if you didn’t know the show of course. It wasn’t a downer to me though, because I’m pumped up that the show is back and I can bombard twitter with my bullshit. He brought Tully (who had brunch next to Jeff Goldblum) back a gift from the duty free shop, a bottle of Johnny Walker green label. Ellis got a gift from @nickyknac, it was a painting of Rawdog. And all I got was this lousy blog. Sounds like Ellis got bombarded by people in Cabo, wanting him to do all sorts of activities as well as to buy some cocaine. Turns out the activities were good and the cocaine was bad. Ellis was getting recognized while on vacation, not by the locals, but by other tourists – most of whom recognized him from his appearances on The Howard Stern show. See, now that shit he said at the start of the show makes more sense (and now we’ve come full circle).

Ellis got to do some shit for KTLA where he had a chance to screen the new Expendables 2 movie and meet a few of the actors, such as Jean-Claude Van Damme, who claimed there was talk about a match with Georges St. Pierre. Everyone done barfing from laughing so hard? What a goddamned joke! Just because your old-ass plays a tough guy in a movie, doesn’t mean you’re really ready for some fighting action. According to Ellis, Dolph Lundgren has a big fuggin’ dome, and looks like he’s kind of a badass because of a scar he has somewhere on his face – but his nose is straight so he can’t be too bad – that or he’s rich enough for plastic surgery. There was talk about the UFC fights, which I haven’t gotten to see yet so I barely paid attention during that part, sorry. Hey, according to researchers – if your pupils are dilated like you’re tripping balls – it’s because you’re a homosexual. It’s science!

Ellis was banging Katie (while wearing his knee brace) on an outside bed when he heard somebody coming into their room. He jumps off her, she goes to talk to the dude with the quesadillas and he ends up slipping on the marble floor, tweaked his Mayhem knee and started screaming. The quesadilla man probably didn’t even flinch being that I’m sure he’s walked in on numerous people boning in their hotel room – at least that’s what I gather from reading the Letters To Penthouse articles. In other Katie news, Ellis lost a bet with Katie about his book being in a library. Sure enough, it was there – so she peed on his head. Now that’s a fucking bet for some “salty” characters. [insert laugh track] Rawdog was at the beach with his girlfriend, they’re both reading, and suddenly Rawdog starts experiencing pain in his thumb – it was a bee sting! Amazing story of courage, hope, and manliness.

Dingo was on the show today, he went to his older brother’s wedding in Australia, turns out his brother’s wedding turned into a bit of an intervention. Gotta love the family drama coming out at the best/worst times it possibly can. As bad as it sounds, the consensus seems to be that it was a good time for it to come about – at least in the sooner rather than later sense. Rawdog watched Cumtard drink his friend’s puss. Yup, I know you’re not surprised in the least, and neither am I. Apparently his friend got a really bad sunburn, to the point where his puss sack was leaking and that’s when Cumtard came into the scene. Not to be out-done, callers into the show resumed with their typical quality. Nobody can make a complete sentence or gather their thoughts long enough to spit out more than 2 words on a bunch of “uhhhh” shit. One of more of them tried to say something about Chick=fil-A’s secret seasoning or some shit, another few tried to ask “what’s the big deal?” about all of the latest Chick-fil-A news, and then I went to take a shit so I’m sure I missed something. And that about does it for this re-cap, the only thing left to do is congratulate you on your mother’s appearance in the Olympics. It must have been a real honor to see her fat ass as the helicopter in the opening sequence. OH!