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Show Re-cap For Tuesday 12/4/2012

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We’re just here for the strippers and midgets, bro!

Yo dude bro-bro dudes-bro! It’s Tuesbro, so let’s see what the bro’s have for us on today’s bro-show, you know, bro? I missed the first 20 bro-down minutes or so of the show, so I’m not sure what the topic was, but I came in right when Mayhem volunteered his mother to fight Rawdog. A blind man also called and offered to fight him as well. Not everyone can agree upon what is the cutest puppy, but one thing is for sure, Rawdog just might be the cutest puppy of them all. Deaf people definitely have deaf pride, all trying to rub their deafness in everyone’s faces, telling you they can feel sound vibrations and shit. But who would win in a war with deaf people versus blind people? What about midgets? Why aren’t midgets for sale yet? Some things in life just don’t make any sense. Lot’s of stripper talk today, their stripper tactics, their stripper games, and stripper etiquette.  Ellis popped Katie in the face today with some jabs while they were doing some boxing for a workout. She liked it and wanted more, biatch be cray, yo!

Steven Seagal teaches dudes how to wrestle, too!

Hollywood news time, Gary Busey’s bankruptcy case is now closed, but he still owes $450,000 to the IRS. Demi Moore’s banging some new young dude, and guess what? Tully knows him. Katt Williams is back in the news after leading cops on a chase, he stopped at Target and slapped the shit out of an employee. Katt seems to be out his gotdamn mind. Kim Kardashian is still in the middle east, but with what looks like herpes. Nick Lachey got into a fight with a San Diego Chargers fan, he was making fun of some other dudes shirt (tough guy stuff), this dude’s wife told him to eat shit or something, and then Nick-bro flipped out and got kicked out of the game. Frankie Muniz had a mini-stroke at the mini-age of 27, which would suck large-balls, so let’s hope his mini-ass gets back into better health. In the late 1980’s, Brad Pitt was caught with Mike Tyson’s wife, Robin Givens. Red Dragons! Tyson also revealed that he was high on cocaine while filming The Hangover. Randy Couture made a half joke that he would only come out of retirement to fight Steven Seagal, so Seagal said he’d fight him for free at some place where there are no witnesses. Hugh Hefner had some chick leave him at the isle just before their wedding, but now it’s back on. Yay for money!

Fuck your Christmas songs, you need a Slayer tree topper!

New Music Tuesday Christmas edition today, we got hear new hits from such awful acts as Cee-Lo, John Travolta & Olivia Newton John, August Burns Red, Backstreet Boys, Colbie Caillat, Thousand Foot Krutch, Rod Stewart, Tracey Thorn, Flatulenta, Blake Shelton, Trans-Siberian Orchestra, and fucking finally Sufjan Stevens as the pick of the week. All of it was absolutely terrible and was hell on Earth for most of us. Breaking news, Sal Masekela is dead, no wait, X-Games are dead, no, that’s not right either, Sal & ESPN broke up, yes, that’s correct. He will no longer be hosting X-Games. I wonder if they’ll remain friends and send each other Christmas cards? This whole Sal & ESPN thing spawned a massive conversation about hosts and people who interview athletes at sporting events. Aussie news, crocodiles are getting their Christmas dinners in early, sounds like they’re eating children left and right, I don’t even think they served yams.

Wanna have lunch with Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully? Tough shit, motherfucker. Just kidding, you can go bid on your chance to win that life altering moment, and when you win, prepare to fingered with mind tongue. In cock news, George Takei said he jacks off to completion in the shower while thinking of Ellis. You might not want to donate your spermies to a lesbian couple unless you have some sort of legal document that states they can’t come back after your ass for some duckettes. What is the difference between your mom and a refrigerator? The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/26/2012

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Santa may be a little creepy, but is he pure evil?

It’s Monday again, some of us are still waking from our turkey comas and still cleaning out the butt gravy from our gashes. The fucking voice machine was all shitted up at the start of the show, but Ellis the fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician called in his trusty co-fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician, Pendarvis, to help get things straightened out. Everyone’s been around family over the holiday, so everyone’s stressed to the fucking maximum. Get this shit, Rawdog rode an ATV over the holiday, in full dress-up with helmet and goggles. Yup, you read that right. Not one to be outdone, Ellis taught Katie how to ride moto over the vegan gothsgiving break as well. Apparently there is photographic evidence of both of their feats, but I haven’t seen either photo yet, therefore this is all alleged hearsay. Santa is a magical white guy, and that’s final. Also, Mrs. Claus’s vagina is barren, she cannot have children and that’s why it’s okay for Santa to creepily watch little sleeping children. Tully went to see Santa over the break, no word on what he asked for though. Ancient religions ate buttholes at mass, it’s a life giving force that most people deny themselves.

Thanksgiving? Why don’t you give thanks that it only comes once a year?

The Smartest Box In The World has made a debut appearance on EllisMania.com interviewing Sean Connery, so you can go watch that if you like seeing hairy balls masquerading as titties. While debating how much vaginal tearing Sean Connery has caused, we found out that Tully has fallen asleep during sex and possibly during the act of licking cookie, and Cumtard has faked orgasms like some kind of rigid bitch with a serious love for flannel and a hatred for razors. Ellis banged with a pair of chicks panties on, all Jimmy Tarzana style. Moto news, Ellis’ bad motorscooter has given him purple dick again, along with a new taint injury. You ever had a deep fried turkey? You ever burnt your fucking face off trying to make a deep fried turkey? If you’ve answered no to both of those questions, you are probably not a proper shit-kicker. Hey, you wanna be a part of a colony of 80,000 people living on Mars for the low-low price of $500,000 smack-a-roos? Yea, me neither – so fuck that dumb shit. Moving on to the “Unsigned Bands” segment, and you know pretty much all submissions are getting made fun of, so no real change this time around – minus a shout out to the dead drummer of one of the bands and another band called the Dirty Orleans River Band.

Who says The Jason Ellis Show isn’t multicultural?

Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber got booed, and Halle Berry has her own personal fight club consisting of all the men in her romantic relationships. This sparked a conversation about who’s fault is it, when she keeps getting into relationships with all these abusive men. Is she abusive? Is she dumb? Or is just the unluckiest person in the world when it comes to picking a man to have a relationship with? Nobody really knows, but one thing we can all agree on is that the kid from Two and Half Men has found Jesus and coincidentally turned fucking bat-shit crazy at the same time. On the brighter side of Hollywood news, Larry Hagman (aka J.R. Ewing) has died. Final calls time, a black guy called into the show and said Ellis and Tully are his “niggas” and in turn, he is theirs as well. He called in to “holla, holla, dolla bill y’all” about the Mayweather / Pacquiao fight stuff. So there it is, the show’s street cred stock just rallied and is now up a few points on the “my nigga” index. In other financial news, your momma’s so poor, I saw her doing headspins on a Cheerios box in front of Goodwill for a piece of Wonder bread. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 11/21/2012

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If you take anything from todays show…

So its Who Gives A Fuck Wednesday, since this is the last show of the week, so that we Americans may celebrate the slaughtering of Native Americans, by killing turkeys and watching some football, Truck Yeah!  I mean, it was the man who killed the Indians, right?  Ellis says “Fuck the man” and that’s the truth.  After all, it was the man who set Rawdog up at Coachella.  You gotta stay on your toes peoples – if you fall back on your heels, that’s when you get caught.  Basically, you can’t just say yes to everything the man asks you to do.  Breaking News, the Wing Home Gym is officially in operation, and just in time for Ellis to buff up and beat the living shit out of some 5 year old kid who flashed Snookie.  That reminded Rawdog of a time when he was conned into letting some kid wrap an extension cord around his neck, but thankfully his mom caught them in the act before it could go too far.  Speaking of moms, no not your mom for once, Ellis’ mom has been talking to Snookie, which Ellis didn’t know and may explain why Snookie wants to go back to Australia for vacation.  Also his step-mom has been dying for a year to be able to tell Jason all this other shit she knows.  Tully’s advice to Ellismate, try the talks with them sober first, and if that don’t work try it with volume.  Finally, if none of those work, pop a few ecstasy and get on with it.  That last one could work for Rawdog with that hot chic he’s been trying to bang, but she ain’t texted back yet.  Tully’s advice to Doc Banger, just wait – it looks cool.  He’s right, and Bubba The Love Sponge was wrong back when he said Ellismate’s ‘Most phone calls in an hour’ award was total bullshit.  But in came JizzCult to save the day, showing a paperwork that said:  March 23, 2011 in the 13:00 hour – 74,316 calls – RED DRAGONS!   Tony Hawk’s Stand Up For Skateparks foundation sent Ellismate a Nixon watch, Steve-O has stolen the reptile biting karaoke bit from Ellismate for his new show but its cool, and Tully saw Ron Livingston grocery shopping, no shit!

 

                             NUKINFUTS is a Sick Cunt Mate!

 

In Hollywood News, Kim Kardashian has a really fat ass.  Kesha has a new bra made from her fans teeth, which reminds me, if you have any shark teeth send ’em in to Ellismate for his new sick chain he ain’t going to make.  Jesse James has found love with Paul Mitchell’s daughter.  Birdman of Cash Money handed out some turkeys, but Lil Wayne couldn’t attend due to his seizures.  Hector Macho Camacho was shot in Puerto Rico, and sadly it ain’t looking to good for his chances of making it.  Justin Bieber isn’t being charged for not beating the shit out of the paparazzi.  Finally, and most important of all, Rihanna is to no longer be mentioned ever again, never mind.  Some dude scored 138 points in a college basketball game.  Meanwhile, at the burn out track, we had some issues with NuckinFuts.  Seems that crazy fucker didn’t want to listen to the man……’Fuck the man’.  Finally, in Shark News, some dude speared a 9 foot shark just off the shores of Carlsbad, and ate that shit yo!

 

I won’t tell if you won’t tell

Woman, Am I Right?  Some lady in Florida was doing 100mph in a 30mph zone while honking her horn, cause God said so.  A different Florida based chic crashed her Thunderbird while shaving her Thundercunt.  Some lady in Sweden is being charged for having sex with skeletons.  Apparently she also sells them on e-bay, and just in time for the holidays.  Remember that bitch that looks just like a Barbie doll, well she’s pissed at comments from her recent photo shoot.  That’s about it for Women, Am I Right? and just in time for one of today’s guests, BBW porn star Kelly Shibari.  She got here a little early for today’s game (you’ll see), and she loves playing with balls and teaching Tully all about boobies.  She also broke the news to Ellis that woman have an extra rib, which is why they can’t drive.  Kelly also has a new porn out titled Overloaded, check it out!

 

Just making the top 5 of WGW

Malice made it to the show, to join Katie and Kelly Shibari for today’s game “Kiss Ass”.  Three teams of two were formed, Ellis and Malice, Cumtard and Kelly, Rawdog and Katie, and the idea is for the female teammate to get lipstick on her male teammate’s lips as best she can.  Of course she has to use her ass, and he is blindfolded, all this in only 30 seconds.  Just before we got going, Malice dropped the bomb she had this burrito still floating inside her from last night, ready to expload at anytime.  First team up was Cumtard and Kelly, and just like that Kelly was naked, Cumtard was puckered up like Mic Jagger, and we got action.  20 seconds in and the lipstick broke, but Kelly got it back in her ass and overall they did a pretty good job.  Next up was Rawdog and Katie, and they dove right into it.  From Ellis angle, it looked like Rawdog was eating her ass out, and from JizzCult’s angle, he saw Rawdog touch her vagina!  Sounds like they did a good job too, but now lets get to our 3rd contestants….only their not ready yet, cause Malice is in the bathroom, oh shit!  Turns out she was changing into better underwear for this game, and her and Ellis were ready to go.  It took them quite a while to get started, but well worth the wait as they turned out to be the winners, helluva job Ellismate n Malice!  Did you know Malice performs at Cheetahs, and will be there for ‘The Reckoning‘, so I ask, will you?  I also ask you what is the World’s Greatest porn name for a Native American?  Some of the losers in this were ‘Hung Like a Horse’, ‘GeroniBone’, “NavaHo’, ‘Fucks With Fists’ and ‘Scrotem Pole’.  The top 5:

  1. Chief Penis
  2. TomaCock
  3. Runs With Sexual Intercourse
  4. Spread Eagle
  5. Crazy Whore

Straight into Final Calls, and we heard from Zenu, not to be confused with Enu, whoever the fuck that is.  We also got a late entry for WGW, ‘Dick Hitler’, but thankfully we can save that for if Ellis wants to start his career as an insult comic.  Also, if Canada can get any Death! Death! Die! album to have the numbers 1-5 tracks on itunes, Ellismate and the band will head up to Vancouver for a show.  Its up to you Canada!  Ellismate copped a nice feel on Kelly Shibari and also joined Katie in offering Rawdog some good advice for getting laid, lower your standards.  My advice for Rawdog is better than that.  I’d just tell him to call your mom and she’d gobble gobble gobble his dick up within minutes, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/6/2012

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What the fuck is your problem? Come at me bro!

Hey fucker, did you vote? Well did ya? Huh? Vote? VOTE? DID YOU VOTE? Fucking hell, we’re almost over it, and I know we’ll all be much happier when we stop hearing about politics and shit. Oh, and when Rawdog has to suck that dead horses dick. Speaking of which, dead horse dick guy called into the show to confirm details on the 10-12 inches of limp, dead horse dick he will be sending to the show. Shit is getting serious, folks. Ellis has decided that he’s going to be a weightlifter. Make of that what you will, but sounds like Rawdog will joining Ellis at the gym, pumping iron. Bets are already rolling in on when Rawdog will be quitting his new found love for weightlifting. HOLY SHIT! Ellis and Tully almost got knocked over by the zit on Rawdog’s temple, Tully thinks it’s big enough to be registered to vote. Canadians are all wondering what it’s like to vote in a leader of the free world, and boy are they’re bitter about it. What do you think about having a vampire as a President? Who cares, Jude came in to the studio and he don’t give a shit about that or Joe Biden’s hair line. Know what else? Jude don’t snitch, except when it’s on Rawdog, because that shit’s fun as fuck son!

I look the same after lifting weights as I do when I go to Home Depot.

Nobody else could fit in the studio because of that fetus of zit growing on Rawdog’s head, so Ellis took matters into his own hands and aborted that thing. I thought I heard a spank noise and crying afterwards, but that may have just been my imagination. Hollywood news times again, Lindsay Lohan did or said something or another, I’m not sure. All I know is she’s not worth talking about, plus I can’t stop thinking about that goiter on Rawdog’s head. Kirstie Alley said her and Patrick Swayze fell in love on the set of some piece of shit movie, but they were both already married so they never actually physically fucked, only emotionally. Ellis will be going to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, who all have great tits, and Katie had never seen National Lampoon’s Vacation until last night. Nobody really knows how that is even possible, but then again, nobody really knows what trimester that thing on Rawdog’s head was in. Would you live with Ewoks? Some people think Ewoks are adorable, Ellis would marry 17 of them, and thanks to Tully, we learned way more than we needed to know about Ewoks. Is JizzCult really Superman? Does this explain why he always disappears? Is he out there fighting crime? We’ll never know his real identity or how deep his love is for Cumtard.

This is why you don’t see any pictures of your mother as a child.

Will weed be legalized today in Colorado? HAHHAHAAAMOTHEROFPEARLHAHHA Fuck no, even if it passed, some shit dick would leak shit out of their dick until it was illegal again. What a dick full of shit. Will murder be legalized in West Virginia? You better hope the fuck not, because there’s going to be an influx of pussies from West Virginia making an exodus, maybe into your state. The rest of those crazy fuckers will be looking to murder some shit in their murdering-ass state. New Music Tuesday flashback to November 6, 1992 – will it be good or will it be shit? Things kicked off with some Rage Against The Machine, which is fucking kick your grandma down a flight of stairs awesome! Things went straight to shit from there with Ned’s Atomic Dustbin, Whitney Houston, and Jade. Ice Cube kind of picked up the pieces of shit that had fallen from the previous three gaping bands, The Pharcyde, and Kool G Rap & DJ Polo helped as well. Then we had some sad ass Leonard Cohen, followed up by some gay ass Bon Jovi, some stupid ass Biohazard, some punk ass NOFX, and some hokey ass Ween. Next up, Ellis Jeopardy, or what I like to call, Tully’s going home with an extra 6 bucks. Then final calls, and we all know how well those usually go so no surprises there. You’re grandpa used to tell all his friends a joke that involved your mom. It went like this, “How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody cock on her teddy bear.” And that’s why still to this day, your mother cries when someone gives her a teddy bear and 10 bucks. OH!

Ellis on SiriusXM – 10/16/12

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If you missed it, Ellis made two ‘appearances’ today on the satellite radio while on vacation.

The 1st was a call in to Lisa G of Howard 100 News to discuss Tim Sabean getting injured while dirt biking in PA.


Download (link to MP3)

The 2nd was a call in to a live Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio with Jesse Fritsch and John Dale. He announced that he has officially taken possession of Thomas Haden Church’s custom Porsche 911 turbo.


Download (link to MP3)