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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/27/14

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Holy fuck, they should make every weekend a three day weekend. I got so much masturba-…uh, housework done. It was just the free time I needed to soil two huge piles of clean clothes with my seme-…ummm, fold, I meant fold, not soil. I also was able to wash down my grimey ass stove with a layer of hot jizz. Not a typo. No corrections. I busted a can of spray on the stove. Welcome to Oakland, bitch. Anyways, it’s almost that magical time of the day when Faction stops letting shitty pop music get mixed in with their punk, metal and hip-hop, and Jason Ellis takes over to be all Australian and shit. Today’s show got started with talk about how having a huge cock should be something that people admire personally. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a big public thing, but if you happen to get into porn, well then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Dingo was in the studio today, being the Dingo, as he’s known to do. He was at some EDC thing in New York over the weekend and if I cared at all about techno music I would have paid attention. Jude also was hanging out today and the guys talked beards and haircuts and how some proper grooming can take years off of your face. Unless you go for the beard implants, then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Tully broke it all down as an equation of how long people are trying to stay in the cool game nowadays, and how they’re all trying too god damn hard and just cause you know how to make a martini with an egg doesn’t mean your saggy balls are worth anybody’s time. The guys listened to some audio of Dingo talking to Cullen about his attempt last week at doing interviews at Street League for the show and how the audio sucked and Jason was a little too harsh about it. Jason apologized, and explained that @shit_toboggan could see lots of the fans on twitter sounded pretty bored with the whole thing, so it maybe wasn’t as much of a success as he was hoping for. Jude made sure to tell Dingo not to suck so bad at interviewing people and to check his god damn sound levels like he’s got some fucking idea what he’s doing and maybe the second try will be a little better. All joking aside though, Ellis, Jude and Tully shared a few war stories of fucked up remote sessions of years past and how it’s not always the host’s fault. Jude once had a porn star taste test his semen on air and forgot to turn on the microphones, but luckily it was against the rules of radio so #Allegedly it didn’t happen. This made Ellis recant that time he tried drinking his piss to try and be like Leo Machida, and he went into great detail about the distinct tang and self loathing that human urine creates when ingested orally. Jason is still healing from his heart surgery last week. He went to take a piss the other day and his stomach was abnormally swollen and he had bruises all around where the doctors went in through his groin to do stuff to his ticker. Jude let us all know that he’s pretty much perfected his ass washing technique, just gotta get some Irish Spring and a washcloth and don’t let anybody know how deep you fist yourself with that washcloth cause it could jeopardize your career in the hip hop industry. The guys talked for a while about ways to market Junkie Piss Popsicles, and all the different ways you could cross promote other cheap last resort ways to get high, like Syzzurp-sicles. And before we get too far off topic, styrofoam really does hold in the cold better than plastic Solo cups. Tully decided to scroll through Dingo’s Instagram photos to see if they could guess who he knows that drinks a lot of syzzurp, and while Dingo wouldn’t necessarily sell them out, there were some guesses that would certainly be believable to the average man with a decent grasp on pop culture. This was a perfect segue for Jude and Dingo to criticize Jason’s nose and give suggestions on how he should fix his mangled honker. After some discussion of plastic surgery, Ellis started thinking that if hair implants don’t work, it may be time to start investing in wigs. Jude gave his two cents on how people who get laser hair removal around the giblets are probably doing the world a disservice when they get older cause that’s when people are more likely to be inspecting that whole area. But on the plus side, America has won the war against crabs. No, not the ones from New England, I mean the ones that crawl on your nuts and fuck up a perfectly good set of sheets while making you itch so god damn hard you’ll rip your scrotum off if it would just make the pain stop. Jude started getting hot and bothered talking about Princess Leia in her slave outfit at Jabba’s Palace, which is when Ellis broke the news that he’s gonna get a dungeon so that he can consensually sexually abuse people. Dingo completely misunderstood what Jason meant by dungeon and started imagining a place with outside access to order a pizza, DirecTV and an Xbox. Like an in-law cottage or something off the back of someone’s house. Jude remembers one time when he went to a BDSM bar and came across a lady who was unnaturally tall but it turns out she just had a guy who would follow her around and lay down for her to stand on everywhere she went. That said, foreallyshow.com and the new release of Hyena should be out in a few months, so get the fuck on it. Tully tried to drive around the city giving out burgers but all the homeless people were on vacation and also his wife shut him the fuck down. Also, he tried to give one to a gay prostitute but his wife didn’t want a gay Mexican hooker following them home begging for scraps. The guys took some calls and stuff. There was some talk about a Grenade/Wolfknives crossover product of some sort, then Dingo brought up a picture Katie put on Instagram of a fake penis tattoo on her foot that Kelly Osbourne saw. Somebody has been obsessively tweeting a petition to save the rhinos at Ellis and Dingo and the guys talked for a while about how stupid it is to drive an entire species out of existence just cause you think that rhino horn is gonna give you a stronger erection. The guys all aired out the massively overgrown pubes adorning their hippie vags and had an environmental awareness session to remind the human race that it really is our fault for everything, and it’s kind of true except for the few who try to make a difference. Tully found a news story about the guy who invented Soylent (which will surely cause him a lawsuit for plagiarizing the name of the famous Charlton Heston movie) and how it would be good for the world as a whole if more people could climb on board with the whole “drink all of your meals in a slightly semen-like concoction that an overworked programmer came up with because he couldn’t be bothered to go grocery shopping and cook properly” train. Fucking nutrients and shit. Remember when I mentioned Ellis’ swollen stomach? Well apparently he’s also had apocalyptic flatulence for the last few days. Chicken-egg, something like that, but all the same he’s a model rocket engine waiting for a light. While we all laugh to ourselves about other people’s intestinal disfunctions, let’s have some awesome world to remind us that heaven has naked bitches and chocolate everywhere and a pretty sweet ramp.

 

MOTO NEWS YA BEE-YIE-ITCH!!! Some guys rode some dirtbikes at Glen Helen over the weekend, and a good time was had by all. The guys talked about how much people in TV need to maybe give it a rest, like Oprah Winfrey and that god damn Lindsay Lohan show that really doesn’t give any important information or solve any problems or exist for any reason other than existing. Somebody sent in a sweet little RC car ramp for Jason to jump those cars that Ken Block gave him. In particular today, the ramps were used as a testing session for a future wheel of doom loser who would have to lie down the long way between the launch and landing and see if the cars could clear it. With Cumtard being the show’s whipping post for now and probably all time, he was the one to get in the hot seat to see if these miniature machines can fly as hard and far as they are assumed to be able to. After a few rough runs in practice, with coming up short and front flips and smashing the fuck out of Dingo’s knee and all kinds of other mishaps, Kevin finally got in place to make his attempt not to lose a testicle for the show, and in true tard fashion he decided to guard his face instead, but luckily for him the car got right over him with no great catastrophes. The guys talked for a bit about the UFC fights that happened this weekend and that one guy who kept fighting despite his ankle being shattered and not just kept fighting but KICKED SOME FUCKIN’ ASS!!! There was more MMA talk as there tends to be whenever the topic comes up. I went out for dinner last night and wound up watching a few minutes of MMA with some folks over outrageously overpriced burgers and a milkshake that ended up being more calories than I’m used to but absolutely delicious and satisfying at the same time. So there’s that, fighting and red meat. As much as I talk about leaving America, I did partake in two of our oldest pastimes. That said, the guys decided to take a break which was promptly derailed by malfunctioning equipment at SiriusXM in which they fucked up a Beatles song, and a bumper, and then a Machine Head song, but in the end it sorted itself out.

 

HAVE YOU BEEN TO HATEBEAN.COM?!?!?! It basically just links to the one HateBean shirt on Ellis’ website, but before that, you can read some incredible slack-jawed engrish that will surely put a smile on your face. Before you do that though, Doug Benson came by the studio to hang out for a while. They talked accents and how Jason can occasionally turn his off when he needs it and Dingo tried to be an American but it was like a New York Jew from the 23rd layer of hell. Jason told the story of how he was talking to a friend from the motherland and was really shook by just how Australian he was. Doug noticed that there was a box of kleenex, a bottle of purell, and a blu-ray copy of the Korean version of the movie Old Boy, and that brought up the question have you ever jerked off with purell? And if so, how bad does it sting? Dougs answer was yes, and I didn’t start smoking weed till 28 when I was a comic on the road. While Jason was cleaning up the shelf he couldn’t help but notice that there was other weird crap on their like nuts, dental floss, a timer, and all kinds of other chotchkies that apparently didn’t get the memo that there would be no chotchkies in the new studio. The guys talked for a bit about how purell is a steaming load of commercialist fear mongering and how WILSON needs to stop napping on the torture couch and get himself a real apartment, even though he’s never gonna be there cause he works 72 hours a day. The boys talked psychology and how it’s really stupid that there’s a guy who can give you a reference to the guy who’s gonna give you the actual treatment, and how the guy who gives you the treatment could at least pretend to be a little more interested in performing some sort of treatment on another person’s mental state so they don’t have sleepwalking murder episodes. A psychological professional called in to explain the difference between all the psychological professionals and what their different ranks mean and it made enough sense, aside from the fact that no one can figure out which one gets to say when you can stop dumping medication in your face. Doug got called out for being really friendly with the porn community, but still complaining that he’s not getting laid often enough, and he responded by demanding a lie detector test. Basically, he wants his blow jobs to have some feeling behind them, and not just a love of sucking dick or crystal meth or proving someone’s dad right. And fuck what you heard, comedians don’t have groupies. The group basically settled the whole matter by coming up with a game where Doug tears through a slew of hot ladies and the world holds up their hands for for him to high five at his leisure. And if that fails, Bonnie Rotten and Ronda Rousey get to fight for the Benson dick. Or maybe Doug can just plow through a whole bunch of his fans, cause they’re great people in his eyes and he loves hanging out with them, so if they happen to want to blow him, he’s pretty much got the pick of the litter. Doug told a few stories about getting kicked out of hotels for smoking weed in the rooms, and swimming with sharks, and how to cook up the best romantic getaway for him to share a bongload with the victor of the “Win Doug Benson’s Semen” death match that will almost surely be part of EllisMania 10. There was some talk about what celebrities would be best to invite onto Doug’s YouTube show “Getting Doug With High” and there have been some memorable ones, like David Cross and Eric Andre, but some of the suggestions floated were for the likes of Nick Swardson (who probably wouldn’t because he drinks too much to smoke weed) and Joe Rogan (who probably wouldn’t cause he tends to run his own performance more than anything else). The guys took a break so Doug could get some water and Cheetos, then came back with a game for Doug to join in with.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands still happens from time to time, and might be happening again soon, so send your shit in to submittoellis@gmail.com and you might get a week of unsolicited airplay between noon and 4PM on a satellite radio station. Someone sent in a burnout video of a guy who had purple smoke tires, which I have seen and they are a hilarious addition to any burnout video or drift compilation. I know Kumho Tire makes red, yellow, and blue, but I haven’t seen the purple ones. There’s a couple other companies that make them too, but only for select wheel sizes, so if you feel like adding to these YouTube sensations of rubber shredding destruction, order yourself a pair and fire up the go-pro. That said, IT’S TIME FOR ELLIS JEOPARDY!!! As is par for the course, it’s hilarious to hear a dyslexic Australian try to describe things for other people to figure out, especially when one of the people is a career pothead and another one is an Australian who always seems a bit off track with what’s going on in his immediate vicinity, unless it’s something radical. Frogs are lubey, Doug wants Bonnie Rotten to taste the golden spray, Tully is a pot smoker bordering on addict levels, Whitney Houston is still dead but was wasted like a mother fucker all the way, Dingo can’t keep his dick out of frogs, Chong is constantly cock-blocking Cheech, Yoda is more grey than green but still pretty green, XXX: State Of The Union would have been impossible cause Ice Cube doesn’t have the arm span to jump off a building and grab a helicopter, The Breakfast Club was a classic but it really did bomb for a good reason before it reached cult classic status, Jaws really didn’t need any sequels but when has that ever stopped Hollywood from letting them happen, Bill Murray has jungle fever, and there were no final calls cause Tony Hawk was live and Jeopardy took the whole final hour. Now go stick it so far up your ass you can blow your nose with it.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Bert McCracken with a Couples Song

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Bert drops by and hears his intro to the show. He reveals that he & his wife’s “couple song” is Kung-Fu Fighting, to which Ellis shares his & Katie’s “couple song.” Bert then promptly sings a little “couples song” ditty more in Ellis’ & Katie’s liking.

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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/11/14

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HAPPY THREE ELEVEN DAY YUU GGGUUUUUIIISSSSSSSEEEE!!!!! I’M GONNA CELEBRATE BY MASTURBATING TO JAPANESE CARTOONS FROM THE EARLY NINETIES!!! HOW ARE YOU GONNA PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR THIS TERRIBLE SUBLIME-RIP-OFF BAND?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!! Well, no matter what you’re doing, you can start by listening to a man who absolutely despises 311, and that’s JASON FUCKIN’ ELLIS!!! Today’s show started with Jason coming to grips with the fact that at a certain age, you just can’t bounce back from fighting off predators the way you can when you’re younger. Katie is starting to get way into training MMA, and is quickly becoming Jason’s greatest predator, which is not the worst thing ever, but does led to some aches and pains in the morning. What Jason has noticed most though, is that she’s keeping her pace a lot better when they’re training together than he is. Long and short of it, if it was a match between one of them and a vending machine that won’t give up the Fritos, my money’s on the girl. Tully has been noticing the same thing when it comes to drinking. Aside from the whole “having a kid and wife” thing, he just knows he can’t get ripped the fuck up like he used to. Same goes for everyone else who’s still letting the pharmaceutical industry keep feeding them bullshit by the barrel in a wrapping that declares it will make you a normal person. It all boils down to the fact that the older you get, the more work you have to do to earn your fun. If you wanna beat the brakes off your liver and kidneys and fight a hooker for being too aggressive with the blowjob and chase the cops into a ditch for a savage gangland style ketamine party, you should probably make sure your room’s clean and all the dishes are done first. Juder McDuder came by to hang out for a bit. He took an AIDS test the other day and came back clean as a whistle, which is always good to hear. He went to the gay clinic though, so there was some Q-tipping in the ass as a part of the complete workup. After Tully heard that, he got the idea that maybe Q-tips are the next step after baby wipes, cause not everyone can fist themselves with a handful of wipes wrapped around their hand. Tully had to fire his kid’s pediatrician just about the same time Ellis had to fire his dentist, and both for the same reasons, they were just shitty medical practitioners. Tully almost kicked a hairdresser in the cunt cause he went in for a trim and these LA bitches be assuming that everybody is trying to get made over into Brad Pitt or something, and then to top it off he found a dentist and before they would even inspect his teeth they start trying to sell him a whitening package. Ellis has heard enough of all this shit, and decided that he’s just gonna start getting every reference for any service he possibly can from Joel Madden, cause he seems to get shit handled pretty well. Jude had to fire his house cleaner a while ago cause she kept accidentally cleaning up his drugs and leaving windows open and shit. But it’s really kind of his own fault for being so comfortably numb. Jude and Ellis talked for a while about the ins and outs of working at Sirius and how there’s definitely some dumb shit that goes on in the corporate structure, but it is still a good company. And since normal radio is essentially a god damn waste unless you’re waiting for a notification of which fallout shelter to go to in the event of a nuclear attack, then it would make good sense for SXM to get their shit together and drop the Jamie Foxx channel. Ellis found out that Andrea’s new boyfriend is a Persian Jew, and the guys had to explain to him why that’s not a bad thing or a weird thing, but actually pretty normal. Basically, kill your local fundamentalist who’s working on taking over a country, no matter what their religion is. They’re just gonna do it wrong and make a big fiasco out of it. If they’re standing on their front porch on a Wednesday morning telling you what their god is pissed at you for doing that you have no problem with and none of your friends care about either, you should go over and bust his head with a huge fucking rock. I’m not anti-religion, I’m just anti-loudmouthed-biased-shithead-with-nothing-better-to-do. Andrea also somehow got it in her head that Ellis didn’t like Jewish people and he had to let her know that the only reason he could have to hate her boyfriend sight unseen is if he was a rollerblader. But that’s not important cause RUDE JUDE’S BOOK HYENA JUST GOT PICKED UP BY A REAL PUBLISHER AND THEY’RE GONNA CRANK OUT A MASSIVE FUCKLOAD OF THEM!!! You’re welcome, Jude, glad to do my part. Was a lot of fun to read and I’m glad it’s turning out well for you. The guys talked for a while about living under a dictatorship in post revolutionary Argentina (cause sometimes that’s just where stuff goes) which brings me back to my point about smashing fundamentalist skulls. Remember when Iranian women wore loose, flowing dresses and were allowed to go to college? I bet you don’t. Y’know why? Mmhhmm, not enough skull wrecking where and when it needed to be done. You should also punch white people who think it’s alright for them to use the N-word in casual conversation with their non black friends. They got it coming too. This brought Jason to asking “If we can’t all get along, how about we all have more orgies?” and that really does seem like the solution. Call me crazy, but letting your neighbor bang your wife while you bang your friend’s cousin just seems like the way to start breaking down all those walls. Walls that will soon be splattered with jism. Somehow, this made the conversation turn to when it’s OK to commit murder, and how no matter what the conditions of it are, it’s the type of thing an insane person does, not just somebody who’s a criminal, but then again we still have to treat it as a crime and not just give somebody a pass for having shitty parents. I sorta missed most of this and couldn’t really follow it from the middle on out, but there were phone calls and intelligent debate on the subject and a very silent “fuck whitey” seemed to be floating through the whole conversation. Especially Germans, they seem to be the most interested in murder out of all the honky European countries. Somehow the topic switched to old western movies and Jason went on a tangent about how cowboys are a pack of morons that need to learn some impulse control and the Natives were some sweet mellow ass mother fuckers. Let’s just let that marinate for a while and contemplate why Canada is better and you should all feel very ashamed of your heritage. Unless you’re black, y’all had a rough go of it, there’s no grudge to be had there. But still, go to Canada, they’ll treat you better. Malcolm X would cosign y’all eating poutine and drinking Molsen.

 

Don’t miss the date, Jason is gonna be doing another book signing at the San Diego Harley Davidson dealer and he might go stunting on a soft tail in the parking lot, or just take a picture with you in a chokehold. Tully found a news story about a family that was terrorized by their own cat. And not like they had a domesticated panther, just a regular cat. It really goes to show you, dogs truly are better and cats are definitely planning to kill you at their earliest convenience. You’re still kind of a wanker if you can’t defend yourself against a house cat though. Even an 18 pound house cat is still a bitch and you could easily take it one on one. The guys took a tour of some new buttons they had and there were quite a few pretty good ones from Cumtard, Pendarvis, Dr. Drew, and some lady who may or may not have been that porn star that Cumtard had sex with, and many more. In testing all these new buttons, the guys noticed there’s some editing problems because there’s some sort of echo on everything that everybody except WILSON could hear. So, it looks like the new studio is quickly turning into the same ramshackled shithole that Swinghouse was, and as a long time fan, it just wouldn’t be the same without technical difficulties. It adds that certain charm, like when you’ve owned the same car for a long time and have that perfect ass divot worn into the seat and the gearshift has deteriorated into the exact shape of the inside of your closed fist. A guy called in to talk about how he got his throat raped by mother nature when he got trapped in an avalanche and that shit was hilarious cause they just couldn’t stop making blow job references to this guy’s impending doom. Another guy called in to let he guys know that he just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s on the prowl for some snow ‘tang, just as long as the bitch doesn’t come with a metric fuck tonne of emotional baggage looking for some long term support. Homeboy needed to have a bitch and moan session for a bit, but the guys talked him off the ledge and let him know that he ain’t wrong and shit is gonna get better, just don’t turn no rebound pussy into a 3 hour tour. Tully found a story from a sports writer at the New Yorker about how it feels to be 96 years old and this brought the conversation around to the question of just how fucked up can your balls get when you’re incredibly fucking old. This one time, at tard school, Kevin farted in an empty orange juice bottle and got one of his friends to sniff it and he stank was so rank that the guy vomited. Apparently, this is not Cumtard’s first foray into farting on/for people, he once laid his asshole directly on his buddy’s face and cracked one off. A nurse called in to talk about how old man balls really are just as terrifying as you might think, and probably worse for the guy they’re hanging off of. And everyone thinks boxers are better and I’m a weirdo cause I like to keep my nuts supported, well the joke’s on you fuckers cause you’re all gonna trip over your testicles and break a hip on your way out to grab the paper and I’m gonna have wonderful balls that all the nursing home staff are gonna be pleased to clean shit and piss off of when I’m ancient and invalid to the point of requiring a syringe full of paste to be shot into my mouth so I don’t starve to death. Then again, having a little sag would be cool, cause if you’re fucking someone doggy style it’ll create an off-rhythm slapping effect against the clit and that’s a game changer. And if the chick you’re banging is just as old and weathered, and her tits are hanging low enough, you could cake it to the next level of nipple play when your testes start slapping the titties around like a proper 1970’s pimp to his most disrespectful hoes. Another nurse called in to talk about one patient he had who would go into kidney failure and his body would release all this fluid anywhere it could and enough of it would collect in his ball sack that the fuckers would grow to the size of a cantaloupe and need to be drained, but still doing permanent damage and giving the guy a permanent set of wind chimes at the knees. Kevin Googled fucked up testicles and found some pics of a testicle tuck, and it’s basically another pointless plastic surgery that only the rich and stupid with poor self esteem could possibly be interested in. If you really wanna fix them up, get electrolysis but just on the top part, then pump them full of botox until they’re smooth as eggs, and tattoo a couple gangster faces on them so you got thug balls. Then, you’re pretty much guaranteed that any girl who would even look at them, will certainly suck them. A caller let the guys know that if you let yourself get really fat and then lose the weight, your balls are gonna probably knock against your ankles by the time you’re 80. Some people on the twitter made mention of a technique known as “ball ironing” to give the balls a smoother, younger appearance, which is usually done at the same time your pissing thousands of dollars away on a “scrotal lift.” Hey, if you can sell it and that profit goes to something that makes the world a better place, then go for it. Another retirement home worker called in to report that the elderly and incapacitated are having crazy amounts of sex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid seeing a pair of horrifically dangling balls slapping against a droopy pancake ass. And STD’s run rampant there, so it ain’t just gonna be bedsores, but herpes lesions as well. Hope you’re already hard at work digesting your dinner folks, cause if not, it’s gonna come back up real quick. Moving on from the balls, Tully found some medical stories about people having extreme plastic surgery. One guy had a shitload of oil pumped into his arms and instead of looking shredded, he just looks like Popeye with bodybuilder tits. How’s that steak taste the second time around? It’s cool, I’ll give you a couple minutes to go grab a bucket.

 

A guy in New Zealand got a letter from the government that said he needed to renew his passport, but noticed that they made a typo on his name. Specifically, that his name was “Full Metal Havoc More Sexy And Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frost Nova” and of course, that actually is his legal name due to the fact that he lost a bet and had to change his name. Someone sent Tully an infomercial about something called the “Rainbow Sponge” and the lady pitching it is not really selling the sponges as much as trying to get her art career off the ground and maybe have an orgasm in the process cause painting on camera really gets the girl juice flowing for this particular wench. And in perfect time, Jason played the Lou-Tallica “I Am The Table” riff and it could not have fit more perfectly. I’m glad that’s still on the button bar, it needs to be used every once in a while so we all remember how well it fits as a soundtrack to really bizarre shit that makes no sense. The guys talked for a while about Gina Carano possibly coming back to the ring to finish out her contract and how her acting career sure as hell isn’t doing any better so why the fuck not? There was a bit more MA talk since the welter-weight belt is up for grabs this weekend, but fuck all that cause Brian Posehn is in the studio today! Right off the bat, the guys hashed out how to evolve the AIDS and Rape burp phenomenon and basically, if you don’t want to seem like a dick in front of new people, add “research” after AIDS and “Whistle” after rape, and all of a sudden you’re a fucking philanthropist and hot bitches will fuck you. Brian has been keeping up with his comedy work after the backlash of talking a little good natured shit about Insane Clown Posse and being ostracized by the Juggalos. Ellis tried to get Brian more acquainted with Cumtard because they’re both massive potheads who like metal and comic books. They also have severe self-deprecation issues but have learned how to make it work for themselves. the guys talked family and dogs and what a piece of shit car Tom Green is driving that he’s way too proud of and it’s nowhere near as good as Brian’s hybrid SUV. After all that Brian and Jason got into a discussion about metal and how the trend is coming back around to actually sing clearly and that’s a really good thing cause the cookie monster shit is way overdone and wasn’t particularly good to start with. After all this talk of metal, Jason decided to introduce Brian to the wonder that is HateBean, and he was entirely confused but seemed to be willing to buy the album if it ever actually comes out. The guys had a game of shock Pictionary for Brian to play with Cumtard in his corner. The pictures and guesses and such were hard to guess for all of us listening at home, but after Mark McGrath’s scathing accusation that everything’s rigged in Tully’s favor, it was refreshing to hear him get electrocuted and try to draw things. Take that McGrath, right in your sugar coated butthole. Cumtard knows how to scream too, and win or lose it’s always nice to bring new people into the fold of electrocuting the fuck out of people for everyone else’s amusement. After the game Jason and Brian traded speeding ticket stories, due to the fact that Brian got a ticket on the way to the studio today. After a cop called in to give Jason some get out of  ticket free cards, he got the idea to actually use them by renting a Lamborghini next time he’s in New York and boiling the tires clean off it in Times Square with both doors open and Chicago blasting on the stereo, just to use the card when the police come to pound his spleen out. The guys took some phone calls and considering how much weed Brian Posehn smokes, his fans certainly do not surprise me in the quality of content. The guys talked some more about metal after Brian noticed that there may have been a Hatebreed riff in one of the bumpers. Then they talked about the rise and fall of the band Lost Prophets and how every band that sucks needs to meet a similar end. The guys dissected how it is that four people can agree to become the shittiest band in history and just how the fuck do people come up with their on stage diatribes between songs without sounding like they’re regurgitating someone else? Some more callers displayed how high they were this afternoon and give Brian praise for his work on the Sarah Silverman show. Kevin had to come in and retell the farting in the orange juice bottle after a caller rehashed the story of a bit that Brian did on the Sarah Silverman show where he and his man-wife find a jar that they farted in when they were kids and the fart is still in it, so then they go on a quest to fart on anything and everything they can. Final calls were mostly just accolades mixed with Brian and Jason talking about vinyl hunting and metal and how utterly fucked it was when the lead singer of Lamb Of God had to go to jail in Prague because some fan died in the pit at a festival. Before finishing out the show, Brian was getting a little too modest about his ability to knock out Glenn Danzig, so the guys decided to fish the punch pad out from behind the couch and Brian scored a respectable 34, just above the lovely Tara Patrick, who we all know can’t fight after her and SSSAAAAAMMMMMM’s stellar performance at EM9. Ellis thought it would be a great TV bit to send Brian out to random people’s houses to start digging in their backyard like they’re gonna get buried there, just to see people’s reactions. All in all, a very successful day.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

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Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it’s me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you’re hearing from me this week and you’re probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you’ll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you’re having a ‘sick of this bitch’ episode, because frankly- I’m sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I’m sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn’t want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I’m feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don’t just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny ‘no’ sounds. So yeah. That’s what he deals with when I’m sick on top of the following conversation today:
“Hunny, I don’t know if I’m going to sneeze or projectile vomit.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Seriously, though. And no…it’s not exciting at all.” I’m probably tinged green at this point.
“Well, if there’s even a chance that it’s going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?” And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone’s house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don’t usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I’m sorry.

Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I’m assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don’t care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn’t that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don’t think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would ‘shake him up’ because he’s already said it. It’s already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you’re interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren’s Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he’s been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it’s been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself ‘clawing’ up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, “Wasn’t it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?” He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, ‘but I could be wrong about that’ that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I’m supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn’t have the information ready to go over with them because it’s taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to ‘okay’ the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an ‘in da club’ song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it’s try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn’t know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.

Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn’t on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I’m already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the ‘Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the ‘Ellis Would Die’ are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That ‘Ellis Would Kill’ and doesn’t want to fight because they aren’t real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he’s in more than one category). The ‘Are You Insane’ contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He’s gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he’s an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there’s some backstory his fight can go on.

Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at SubmitToEllis@gmail.com. Easy peasy. Make it good!

Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn’t too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it’s dumb and it’s probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn’t believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don’t hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if ‘sex’ counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that’s on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don’t think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that’s when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I’d be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can’t have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he’s never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can’t is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.

It’s that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn’t give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it’s only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol’ blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don’t heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven’t been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don’t think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore’s view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.

Back from the break it’s time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a ‘How Well Do You Know Ellis?’ trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis’ best friend forever, so it’s a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I’m rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I’m at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I’m going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason’s favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum’s house to fuck her in    Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson    Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason’s favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason’s favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
Right: Ellis
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature’s perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
Right: Ellis
14. What is Jason’s favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world’s greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid’s head
right: Ellis
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock       Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he’s not runnin’ this is a fight, son)     Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan     Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason’s favorite color? A: Black
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
20. What is Jason’s lucky number? A: 1
Right: Ellis
21. Who is Jason’s hero? A: Jason Ellis
Right: Ellis and Christian
22. Who is Jason’s best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully’s favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude’s favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that’s supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.

Back from the last break it’s time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I’m really not into it unless I’m watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that’s usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it’s a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn’t enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard’s Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian’s podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that’s why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.

Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I’m going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn’t really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he’ll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I’m sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They’ve had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I’m sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don’t feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we’re everywhere. Personally, I’m always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is “that’s shitty, I love you, hugs from far away”. Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.

What we learned on the show today:

I’m sick and cranky

Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers

No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails

The guys got their hands on a Keytar

Kelly Slater would kick a shark’s ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman

Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with

Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb

Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore

Ellis’ 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried

Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm

Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food

The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders

Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week

Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan

LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn’t speak english

Final callers still suck and can’t stop dying

 

 

 

Show Recap for Thursday 1/30/2014

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Welcome to the show of increasingly pregnant pauses!!!! Also known as, The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it the show of increasingly pregnant pauses? You’ll find out soon…just keep on reading!!!

Ellis opens up the show talking about how sometimes he forgets to press buttons, but he also had an epiphany and connected with his daughter, Devin, all because he listened to her singing in the car. He realized that he could connect to her over her love of music, because he, too, loves music and knows a good bit about it, and he is totally willing to listen to pop music if that’s what his daughter listens to and that’s how they can connect. He talked about Devin singing in the car and how she was unafraid to sing A Capella to Rihanna for a solid 15 minutes, and that she did a great job of it. Ellis sings in the car a lot in front of her, but not really in front of anyone else, although he did used to sing in the car with Mummy to the tunes of Justin Timberlake and his first solo album because ‘Cry Me a River’ was good shit then and it’s still some good shit now. Breaking news (but not really) One Direction is a really bad pop group, and Ellis thinks it’s a stretch to even call them a boy band because there is not one redeeming quality of any of them that would make them a decent boy band. Just sayin. All this talk about pop music gets Ellis talking about American Idol. He watches American Idol now. This season the judges include J. Lo, Nicole Kidman’s Husband, and Harry Connick Jr and Katie says that they aren’t using Ryan Seacrest as much as they used to. Ellis likes American Idol because he thinks it’s amazing to see the talent that some of the people out there have, as well as the amount of crazy some people are who are really die hard convinced that they can sing. Ellis also thinks it’s funny because J. Lo doesn’t seem to know all that much about music, and she tends to say things that make the other guys want to call her a dumb bitch, but they can’t call her a dumb bitch because it’s J. Lo and the show is on Fox. Tully isn’t surprised that J. Lo isn’t all that knowledgeable about music because out of all of her talents, her musical ability lays at the bottom. Her being hot is her number one talent, if any of you out there were wondering, and yeah, she’s a better actress than she is a singer. Ellis likes Jennifer Lopez now more than he ever did before, especially since she has been ‘letting herself go’ and there’s more of a real person leaking through the cracks of her carefully tailored facade.

In other news…Ellis is pretty convinced that the new intern, whose name I believe is Adam, is actually an undercover spy working for another radio show sent to The Jason Ellis Show to secretly record and gather intel about what goes on behind the scenes. He also thinks that (probably) Adam is secretly infatuated with him based purely on how much he hates Ellis, because it is hard to hate someone that much without also being a little bit in love with them. Tully isn’t quite sure he agrees with Ellis about this, although he wishes that it were true, and just thinks that Probably Adam hates them, hates the show, and is spending his time texting his friends about the insane shit that the monkeys on the show are doing. But…it might be a good idea to check if Probably Adam is wearing a wire. Someone, quick! Go rip open the front of Probably Adam’s shirt and see if there’s a wire taped to his newly-shaven chest!!!!! There probably is since he’s Probably Adam. That’s my opinion at least. Why doesn’t Ellis check him for a wire? Because Probably Adam really is infatuated with him and he would get too excited, whip his dick out, and start jacking off right there since he has no qualms about masturbating in public as he has pics of himself masturbating in the shower with another dude on his Instagram. Allegedly. Tully hasn’t seen the pic, but Ellis has talked about it a few times. I’m a pretty big IG troll, but I haven’t checked out Probably Adam’s account yet, so I can’t confirm if this picture exists or not, and if it did at one point, Probably Adam probably has taken it down after it was broadcast on the radio. Because, you know, probably.

Back to talking about American Idol related things, for some reason…actually, the reason is that Tully keeps trying to ask a question about it and then Ellis starts talking about something else regarding American Idol instead (it was pretty funny how many times it happened), Ryan Seacrest is fat. At least in Ellis’ opinion. Also, he really isn’t all that talented. Tully describes him as operating at his maximum capacity- meaning that what you see is what you get and Ryan Seacrest will never throw anyone for a loop. Pop Stars most likely constantly interview with him because he is a safe bet and he has never met an envelope that he would like to push. Pushing is mean, guys. Don’t ever look to Ryan Seacrest to ask Britney Spears what the fuck was going through her mind when she shaved her head, or where the bodies of Rihanna’s murder victims are….those are questions that Ellis would ask, and stars like Spears and Rihanna would never be on TJES because their managers don’t want them being asked questions of that nature. Why? It might ruin their careers. Ellis and Tully agree that celebrities should be more honest and that the world would be a much better place is super famous people came clean about things and didn’t have questions that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be asked. Society tends to put celebrities up on a pedestal and often try to imitate them, so if celebs were more honest about themselves and the things that they did/do/are going to do then so would the rest of the people around the world. Kumbaya-ddayadda.

After calling out Jetta for checking himself out in his reflection in the glass, Ellis talks about how he wants to play Sting Pong and he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Because Will told Cumtard that in order for Sting Pong to be done properly they would have to have advanced notice and spend $500 of their budget to get an engineer in and mic up the prize chamber. Ellis and Tully are curious as to why there has to be so much hubbub when they could just plug an extension cord into the microphones that they already have and…broadcast from the prize chamber. In fact, to demonstrate how easy that would be, Tully plugs an extension cord into a microphone and goes to ask Will why they can’t do what he is doing at that very moment and have their game of Sting Pong. Hahahahahahahahaha. Funny, right? Ummmmm…no. Not funny at all. At least according to Mr. Will Pendarvis. Will refuses to talk to Tully in the mic in the prize chamber and instead joins Ellis in the studio where they then get into an argument about this whole schmabibble. Like….a real argument. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of reading texts between Will and Cumtard, a lot of questioning what exactly is more ‘proper’ about Will’s way versus their way, and a lot of butt hurt feelings flying around the room, smacking people in the face, and calling them pussydicks, or something. This is the cause of all of the pregnant pauses, by the way, because the dark cloud that descends onto the studio due to what was supposed to be a little pokey-fun haha joking lasts for the rest of the broadcast. Now…I listened to this part of the show twice because the first time it made me feel super uncomfortable because it was like listening to my parents argue over something stupid and listening to it the second time around let me hear it all with a more objective ear…and yeah…I am that dedicated to trying to do a quality recap, guys, but what I gathered was that Will was trying to get across that his job is to be concerned about the sound quality of the broadcast and maybe he was concerned that the mics on extension cords wouldn’t provide as high quality a sound as ones that were set up by engineers (although they sounded fine on my end) but he got super defensive when Ellis accused him of throwing up roadblocks for the show since he states “I fight so hard to tear roadblocks down for this show”. He really didn’t want to explain to Tully why exactly his way of doing things was more proper compared to the Ellis/Tully ghetto extension cord mics, and sounded like he wanted to punch Tully in the face for his persistence in asking that question. Ellis did also get super defensive at one point when he perceived Will to be attacking his bit and that’s kind of the point when the yelling really really started. It all culminated in Will telling them to fuck off and he left the studio….and the building…not to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the broadcast.

Pregnant pause.

Tully, Ellis, and Cumtard try and talk about what the fuck just happened and how what was supposed to be a tongue in cheek funny haha five minute bit turned into that load of fuck off assery, and Cumtard feels like the prize chamber is gonna be weird now because no one has ever seen Will that pissed off before. Ever. Calls are taken from callers and some people think Will is right and others think that he is wrong. Is Will having a bad day and bummed out about something else and this just rubbed him the wrong way? We may never know. No…lie…we’ll probably find out once Will has had a chance to cool down.

Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. What’s in the news? Oh, by the way, Hi Mike Jasper! Anyway…Steven Segal is in the news. No, he didn’t teach another UFC fighter the best front kick of all the front kicks anyone has ever front kicked, he isn’t in the news because he has gotten so fat that his face is eating his eyes…he’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin. That’s the guy in charge of Russia, in case you didn’t know. Why is this a big deal? Probably because no one in any actual position of power in the United States rubs elbows with Putin they way that Segal does and the Olympics are being held there this year. They hate gay people, so, who would want to be friends with them, anyway? But Segal did an interview with Huckabee about how awesome Russia is and how no one should be scared of terrorist attacks during the Olympics because Segal is also BFF’s with the Russian Anti-terrorist task force (and also probably trained them) and he says that they are on top of their game (thanks to him). Speaking of fat people, Rob Kardashian (aka, the least famous of all the Kardashians and also the only one that has been confirmed to have a dong) is in the news for being fat. Really though. It’s some sort of big deal that he’s rich and fat. He’s trying to lose weight and goes to the gym all of the time and there are pics of him leaving the gym and entering the gym and he’s all fat and stuff, which is a shame since he is rich and has the means to not be fat. I bet the fat Kardashian sister is pretty happy that he’s fat since now everyone talks about him being fat instead of talking about her being fat (she isn’t fat, at all, by the way). I don’t know why anyone cares that this guy is fat and I don’t know why this is considered news. Whatever. Lindsay Lohan is also in the news because someone allegedly stole half of her $75,000 fur coat. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch for having $75,000 to spend on a fucking coat. No further attention shall be afforded to that bitch from me for losing half of her third-world-feeding coat in a club cause she was probs all sorts of out of her face on drugs. In a sort of extension of Hollywood News, Tully and Ellis bring up Justin Bieber and say that everyone needs to get the fuck over it already. Agreed. Why the fuck should he be in the news for being a stupid teenager? Why are people wasting their time petitioning the White House to have him deported? Tully is right when he says that he is a product of what our society does to famous people. We love building them up and we fucking glory in their messy downfalls. He’s 19, he’s stupid, hopefully he gets some good advice, grows the fuck up, and becomes a productive member of society. Shaq is also in the news because he’s trying to keep his kids off of reality tv, which his ex wife is trying to get them on because she wants them to be on a reality show with her. Good for you, Shaq, kids shouldn’t be on reality tv.

Back from the break they were talking about something but I got distracted by BitPimps because he tweeted me to tell me that Jude gave me a shout out on PillMix and I was excited because…I have a crush on him. When my excitement died down Ellis was talking about fighting some chick in Sumo suits and Kit Cope taking it too far. But then, Tully finally got to ask his question about American Idol, which was, since American Idol has been around for so long are the people who win it now rejects from previous years? Mike Jasper says that yeah, they probably are, because he knows that when trying out for The Ultimate Fighter, there were people who had been there 3 or 4 times already trying out. So…American Idol is basically just like The Ultimate Fighter. At least, that’s what I took away from that. Tully asked Ellis if he watched Workaholics last night, and he did, and he says that it was so funny and he didn’t know that you could do the things that they do on tv. Ellis thinks that if The Jason Ellis Show wrote a television show it would be just like Workaholics, possibly funnier, especially now that he knows that you can do stuff like that on tv. Jasper asks why Ellis doesn’t get a television show like the Dish Network show and Tully asks Jasper why he just doesn’t go fight Chris Weidman on Long Island (hell yeah!!!!) and they’ll call the fight and put it on pay per view.

Next Jetta comes in to help the guys play a game of ‘This or That’ sent in by Betsy, involving the scenario if they were going to Mars to start a new civilization and they could only bring this or that which would they choose….the results are as follows:

  • Katie over Toilet Paper- cause Ellis uses baby wipes anyway you nasty dingleberry mother fuckers
  • Beatles Discography over Metallica’s Discography- cause you just have to bring The Beatles, man
  • Arnold Schwarzeneggar over Sly Stallon- cause Arnold made gyms main stream and Sly Stallone turns every woman he touches into a big pile
  • Chairs over pillows- cause shirts can be pillows and no one wants to stand all day
  • The Burger King King over Ronald McDonald- cause Ronald is basically a pedophile and murderer, the Hamburgler is a dick, and Grimace is fat
  • Gay Marriage over Chad Reed- cause Gay Rights are more important than any one man
  • The Bible over Shia Lebouf- because the Bible would help more people in the long run
  • White People over Mexicans- cause….White Power?
  • Porn over Vaporizers- cause yay porn
  • Condoms over Tacos- cause safe sex is more important than tacos, and you’ll still have fajitas
  • Shrooms over Ecstacy- cause shrooms do less damage to you
  • Blake Anderson over Dune Buggies -cause one type of car is not worth more than one human life
  • Baby Wipes over Deoderant- cause we already have no TP on Mars
  • UFC over Supercross -cause UFC, duh
  • Beer over Coffee -cause people would get too wasted on other, harder liquor
  • Neither Advil nor Baby Pictures -cause no one cares
  • Andy Dick over Steve Gutenburg- cause he would have a better reality show

There will probably be more of this game in the future, because Ellis needs more to work with on Mars than just a Beatles CD and baby wipes.

Back from the last break…Tully calls Ellis ‘Will’ and things get awkward again. There is more discussion about how they thought Will would laugh along with the rest of them, and how twitter and IG are agreeing with Will. Ellis is surprised with the hate they are getting and says that we don’t know what goes on and Tully says that 9 days out of 10 Will would have laughed along with the rest of them and they could have gotten on with the show. Wrapping up the show they talk about some news from around the world, and I missed a couple minutes of it because my app fucked up (wow, that’s 2 excuses for missed shit in one article, damn, I’m slipping) but when it kicked back in they were talking about a couple in England that after being married in the 70s got divorced in the 90s (and continuing to co-habitate) the guy found a younger chick and offered to let his ex wife to continue to live with them as a housekeeper. But, for some reason, she would rather have half of his 13 Million Pounds worth of Net Worth. In the Philippines, the police are in hot water for having a Wheel of Torture in their prison to punish prisoners with, but after Tully and Ellis review some of the ‘tortures’ they don’t seem that bad and TJES Wheel of Doom seems way worse. Wrapping up the show are, as always, final calls, which were truly abysmal tonight…lots of gibberish and gunfire…lots of death…but…not everyone can recap like us over here at NYA, after all. *pops collar*

Things we learned on TJES today:

There should be 4-6 bottles of water in the studio at the start of the show

Alpha Brain (by Onnit) has really improved Ellis’ memory and Jetta should take it

PhunckyTips are groundbreaking

Harry Connick Jr was in ID4 with Bill Pullman, Pullman is friends with the Hawk, and he’s the man

Ellis sang J. Lo’s song better than her, and that’s a fact

Will had a bad day

People in the UFC get 25 Grand if they refer to S. Segal as ‘Sensei’ (probably)

NBA players don’t have hot wives…they have hot girlfriends

Ellis wants to fight Shaq…and he would win

Ellis will be on the Radio tomorrow despite it being Howard Stern’s birthday, because Nick Swardson is already booked to be on the show and he hasn’t seen him since EM9

Mike Jasper would rather have Tacos than Condoms on Mars

If Tully thinks Ellis is right, then he’s right

If anyone was going to punch others today, it would have been Will

Ellis always smells his water because Will tried to poison him once

BitPimps is a cool dude

16 year olds have bad robbery ideas

Ellis is going to go home and punch Mike Jasper in the face

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