Tag Archives: Tony Hawk

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/4/14

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Let it be known that if you’re in the bay area and have posted an ad on Craigslist for any sort of help needed that involves a pickup truck, I have probably responded to it. And let it also be known that Craigslist has some really miscategorized shit in its “miscellaneous manual labor” section. For shame, foot sniffing guy. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, but letting someone massage and inhale the death stench of my working feet is not manual labor. That belongs in the “missed connections” section. Speaking of inappropriate shit posted on the internet, IT’S RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show kicked off with the guys admitting that sometimes it’s just pointless to try and plan and winging it is perfectly acceptable when all else fails. Tully got to sleep correctly last night and watch garbage truck videos on YouTube with the McGook baby this morning. He’s coming to the realization that little kids just like watching big machines move. It got weird to him because eventually Linsanity just started watching videos of other kids playing with their toys and that made Tully say “HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU’VE GOT TOYS OF YOUR OWN AND I’VE GOT WORK TO DO!!! HOW’S ABOOT YOU GO MAKE USE OF WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!?!?!?!!?!?!” OK, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but he would’ve liked to see his kid be more of a doer and less of a watcher. Let it be known that if I’m gonna try and be Canadian, I will keep saying aboot until they let me join their courteous ranks. Tully won’t let him watch Power Rangers though, cause he doesn’t wanna bastardize his mom’s side of the family heritage by exposing him to Americanized versions of Japanese comics. Pendarvis stepped in to give his absentee father opinion that maybe Tully needs to get a second screen for the kid to watch so he can be silent and occupied, as any good southern father would suggest. But it’s not as much of a negligent parent thing to do as filming your kids playing with toys for the entertainment of others on YouTube. Still though, it’s better than feeding your kids fifty million advertisements for overpriced bits of plastic and sugary breakfast treats that are delicious any and every time of day. Tully has drawn the line at Barney though, and I have to back him. Fuck that fat purple alcoholic and his obvious yet unspoken statutory relationship with that sveldt young green dinosaur. Jason talked for a while about how it’s awesome that he knows Tony Hawk, and that Tony is well connected enough that he had Yo-Gabba-Gabba live at his kid’s birthday party. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) did a gag video for Yo-Gabba-Gabba with Tony for an almost real live hoverboard, and they trolled the entire internet with it cause Michael J. Fox sure as hell can’t be trusted not to injure himself doing something like that. Too bad it’s not real though, retired skaters with arthritic knees could probably make their mega ramp comeback with a device like that, since there’s no impact on the legs during landing due to the fact that the device is floating on air. The guys talked for a while about how technology is growing faster than ever, but in all the wrong directions, like fuel efficient cars instead of virtual fuck machines. There might be some kinda sweet medical advances sometime in the next few years though, just as long as big pharma doesn’t get their wallets wrapped around it. Still though, would’ve been nice if Einstein had gotten the flying skateboard to happen instead of that stupid atom bomb. I mean, what the fuck did that ever accomplish, really? Ellis was on Dr. Drew On Call again and it seems like some of the other guests are getting a little sick of him cause most TV talking heads are generally horrible people and don’t like anyone with opinions, conflicting or not, that prevent them from speaking their own, at length, whether you ask them to or not. Namely, somebody got uppity at Jason cause he made a joke about the Oscar Pistorious trial. Of course, nobody remembers the four minute speech about defying your haters that Katt Williams used in a comedy special in which he specifically cited Oscar Pistorious (AKA Tink Tink), cause that shit was inspirational as all fuck and showed how corrupt the Olympics really is, but who would have known he’d get arrested for shooting his girlfriend through a door after having Olympic Gold revoked due to the fact that not having legs is an unfair advantage in track and field? What it all boils down to is people are too quick to judge these days, and if you can’t learn to accept some shit once in a while, just don’t leave the fucking house anymore. Some dude called in to talk about anti-gravity technology, but that shit was already proven impossible on Mythbusters, plus dude couldn’t respond when spoken to, so the call was ended. There were some more phone calls about how to troll the Dr. Drew On Call audience and guests, like slapping the shit out of some bongos after every question, or wearing one of those two can helmets and having Sprite on one side and cough syrup on the other, gettin’ sizzurped out live on TV like an absolute retard savant. The guys kicked around more ideas for rocking out on the air when they just don’t have anything planned and need to fill time, Jason was thinking of bringing an amp in the studio for Tully to wail on, and Tully thought a drum kit would be a good idea, which Ellis countered by suggesting Steve Vai as a co-host, and that’s a hard one to argue. Ellis was on Kevin and the Bean today and although he happily guested, they can still both go suck a massive barbed phallus. They were talking some kind of shit about the radio industry and how the Clear Channel advertising propaganda machine is a far superior organization to be a part of than crummy old SiriusXM. Clear Channel, the same company that bought my favorite childhood radio station, along with several others I might almost tolerate, and turned them into more top 40 crap and forced my hand to buy a Sirius radio all of 7 years ago. Yep, Clear Channel, the guys who own pretty much every billboard in America and deny anyone from renting them based solely on the content if it offends any of their shareholders. That Clear Channel. Kudos, K&B, all you’re doing is making me right. Thank you. The guys discussed for a while how scary/utopian it would be to have a dog with monkey intelligence. It could make you a sandwich and actually add something to the conversation but it could also be licking its balls during the whole thing, cause you just can’t fight the urges of your species. While we all stew on that, lets crank some Barracuda and reminisce about the good old days when rearranging the genome for our own convenience and entertainment wasn’t even a discussion topic.

 

In case you haven’t heard, Jason is gonna be having a book signing/trampoline session with the fans over in Rancho Cucomonga this Saturday. If you’re nearby and want some sharpie scribbles on some stuff, get a dog up ya. And if I haven’t destroyed all your faith in the American Government yet, Obama is planning to build a shittier version of Iron Man, not starring Robert Downey Jr. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t shoot missiles, it’s never gonna be on tabloid covers for drug related arrests, it’s basically a steel coffin mounted on a Rascal Scooter. Katie stopped by the studio to weigh in on this and other things, and after plowing this suit through a wall (or at least attempting to) maybe she can maim a gerbil with it or something so that she can have one of her friends taxidermy it for some coffee table art. This Iron Man knock off is about as legitimate as those Skechers that plump up your ass, basically another marketing ploy to keep people assuming they have problems that a corporate entity can solve for the low low price of nobody else is doing it so you’ll pay whatever the fuck we tell you. The guys took some phone calls about this ridiculous idea that the military is undertaking for absolutely no benefit to anyone or anything, and basically unless you’re a billionaire playboy, you should keep the mechanical suit ideas to your fucking self. And for no clear reason at all, the guys and gal took a long roundabout way to tell us all that boat people are fucking shady, which makes pretty reasonable sense, cause nobody has ever done any pirating on land or in the air. Zeppelin pirates would be fucking awesome though, basically the only people they could stop midair to be pirated would be advertising blimps and they would take those fuckers for everything they could, which would be maybe $50 in scrap metal and the slowest aerial dogfights in history. There was some chatting about Naomi Campbell for no clear reason, but the guys might bring back a revamped version of the Steven Seagal game with Ms Campbell as the subject, and that could be pretty funny. There were some more phone calls about things and stuff, and people really need to learn how to respond when spoken to, especially when they’re the ones making phone calls. So the real reason Katie stopped by today was to do her very own version of New Music Tuesday, but not necessarily brand new, just new to most of us. Since Katie is a Black Metal psychopath, most of her selections came from the deepest circles of hell and brought back with them a thousand years of suffering not to be halted by your pathetic Judeo-Christian false idols. First track we heard was Devil’s Night by a band called God Module (possibly featuring HateBean and Michael Tully, we can’t really be sure but it does sound like it) and it was a little more dance-ey than murder-ey, but definitely the kind of thing one might see in the next Underworld sequel, complete with the same vocal effect that pretty much every industrial band that has ever existed uses. After that was a song by HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and it was still electronic stuff, but more slow paced, like if you were gonna commit passionate murder against a junkie hooker after a long round of opiate fueled hate fucking. Next up was The Chameleons UK and if you like Bauhaus and the slow stuff from Joy Division or The Cure, you might like this one. It was kinda catchy, but not enough for me to think of anything particularly funny to say about it. As Katie put it, “It’s good music for driving through fog.” After that was a band called //Tense// and it was another great song for some almost-snuff-porn-that-may-or-may-not-include-lots-and-lots-of-heroin. Maybe it’s just me, but Katie seems to like a lot of music from the 80’s that seems like it would go well wit heroin, just an opinion from watching lots of weird dark movies I suppose. Next band was Salem playing a song that falls in the genre “witch-house” and as much as I hate most electronic music, I could totally see this being used on a pretty well made indie horror flick, possibly something produced by Rob Zombie. It fit perfectly as a backdrop to that fucked up porn clip from the sex, sports or animal game from last week. You remember, the lady with the massively blasted out asshole who was cumsharting all over the dude’s dick? Yeah, that one. After that we heard from a band called Primal Scream, which started out as an alternative band and then went more psychedelic thing later. There’s a couple of songs from them that I’ve enjoyed, this wasn’t one of them. Would make a good soundtrack to the opening scene in an Episode of CSI where a junkie hooker gets murdered though. Next was Nightmare Fortress with more ass pounding music that could be accented well with some heroin. HEROIN AND AGGRESSIVE BUTT FUCKING, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THAT’S ALL ANY OF THIS CAN MAKE ME THINK OF PEOPLE!!! Next one down the line was O (not just O, but oOoOO) which was more witch-house and would fit perfectly in the credit reel of a movie that included lots of heroin and butt fucking. AGGRESSIVE butt fucking. The guys took some phone calls and everybody was complaining like they were getting fucked in the ass with no heroin to soften the blow, but then trying to make comparisons like how screamo music and the band HIM is darker than what Katie is playing, and as a person with very mixed tastes, if it makes me want to do some smack-powered-anal-rampaging, it’s dark fucking music. HIM sucks on a level that is leaps and bounds beyond normal sucking, and screamo is an insult to the punk rock I’ve come to hold so dear. It eventually came back around to the statement I made earlier that if you don’t like it, stay in your room and disinvolve yourself with the entire outside world, the rest of us will appreciate you for it. A couple people called in to reinforce the opinion that people need to broaden their fucking horizons, and pretty much all of them said they could enjoy this stuff if they were fucking while it was playing (Butt fucking. Heroin. You knew I was gonna say it, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only person thinking it). Next was a band called the Murder City Devils, which was completely different from everything else that’s been played so far, more along the lines of psychobilly but a little closer to just some good fun rock music. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I could see myself having vaginal sex without the assistance of heroin with this playing in the background. Finally we heard Light Asylum as and after a long slow new wave build there was a black lady who sang like a shitload of white male 80’s pop stars, but it kind of worked for this particular song, so I’ll give it a pass. Katie desperately needed to piss, so the guys cut off the segment right there and that’s fine with me and a lot of other people, I’m sure.

 

In case you hadn’t hear, Blake Shelton from Workaholics just turned 30, and in the same day his wife popped out a brand new baby! Good on ya, Blake, keep it classy with the naked selfies next to your wife and kid, nobody’s ever gonna blackmail anybody with that! Some guy in Florida (America’s herpes outbreak, as I’m wont to call it) got fired from his job at a high school for being too old and after he won the lawsuit against the school his cunt of a daughter went and fucked it all up by tweeting that “mommy and daddy are gonna be paying for a vacation in Europe” and because he had to sign a confidentiality clause, that was pretty much null and void after his fucktarded spawn spilled the beans and he had to give the money back. Too bad, I’d have been happy to hear about her losing her passport and having to resort to some heroin fueled butt fucking at an Amsterdam brothel just to get her papers in order to come back stateside. But fuck all of that, cause Joanna Angel is in the studio today to hang with the guys and play a game with Cumtard. This game marks the triumphant return of The Smartest Box In The World, which if you don’t remember, is Kevin Kraft’s balls stuffed through a hole in the top of a shoebox lid that has a lady drawn around the balls, with the balls being placed right where the lady’s titties would be. This game requires that Joanna place things on Kevin’s balls and he has to guess what they are based on shape, weight, general level of shame from having his balls hanging out in a room full of people, and so on. Before all that though, the guys had to rap for a while about how people are a bunch of bitches and always gotta stir the pot and try to start some shit with everybody, I blame reality TV and Facebook for turning everybody into a whiny fucking 14 girl on her period. Once more, stay inside, tin foil on your windows, pull the covers over your head and keep your bullshit to yourself. Joanna was really surprised that Jetta showed up to work in a dress and a wig today, but considering her line of work, it’s probably not the most disturbing thing to see in an average day. After Cumtard’s balls got done prarie dogging in and out of the Smartest Box In The World, the game got underway. If there was any way I could relay the sheer awesomeness of the many items and sounds and hilarity that ensued, I would do so, but unfortunately there are not words that can accurately recreate this scene, but god damn I was laughing like a fucking moron during this whole escapade. If you go check the on demand while you still can, it starts right about the 2 hour 35 minute mark, I highly recommend it. But I can tell you this much, Tully drew nipples on the balls, Jetta was standing by for cleanup duties and fully committed to the job, Joanna titty fucked Kevin’s nut sack, Kevin made hilarious noises like someone was gonna chop his dick off, There were spiders crawling on Cumtard’s balls and he lost his god damn mind as soon as they made contact except that it wasn’t spiders it was actually some crazy biting worms, everybody lost their shit when Kevin had to leave the studio to clean up and yanked the Smartest Box In The World off his balls then had to walk to the bathroom past the law offices on the same floor as the studio, Jetta kept cleaning the balls (cocktail dress and wig and all), Kevin kept screaming like a small child being thrown over a cliff, Joanna put Ben-Gay on the balls and shit was not the slightest bit alright with that, then Joanna smacked him in the balls with a dildo and that just brought back the pain from the Ben-Gay, Katie put cockroaches on Kevin’s balls and Jetta fondled the hell out of them afterwards, Joanna slingshotted the balls with a rubber band several times, and we all learned that pop rocks can be activated when sprinkled on a man’s balls. It was this point in the show when the guys turned to the phones to finish everything out and recover form the hilarity that is Kevin Kraft recovering from a squirt of Ben-Gay to the nuts. Joanna noticed that Jetta’s dress still had the tag on it from Dress barn, and Jetta reported to everyone that he fully intends to return the dress cause all the odd looks he got on the walk in to the studio are too much for him, not like he had Ben-Gay and worms dumped all over his balls or anything, he just had to towel off some testicles in drag. There were some calls and stuff and they were all a lot of the same stuff, but not in the shitty way just the folks saying thanks and fist-bumping through the phone lines. Some folks asked for advice or shared stories about banging strippers or just give comments on how fun the show was today. Some guy called in with some Dogg The Bounty Hunter news, apparently he was at a wedding and started talking some mad shit to his wife out in the parking lot and she smashed a bottle on him and got arrested. Stay classy, America, remember when that guy was an icon? Before his kid revealed to the world that Dogg didn’t want him marrying a black girl cause they all couldn’t chill out with the N-word? Yeah, that guy. Nice job America. Don’t ever stop reminding yourself that you let that happen. Shout out. Heroin and butt fucking. While we’re at it, GET IT RIGHT WITH THE WHOLE DON’T DIE THING! IT’S NOT LIKE ELLIS HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS OR ANYTHING!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/15/13

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You know how you can just look at the lady walking accross the street on her cell, and the chevy caviler doing a buck n change, also on the cell phone, and envision them meeting one another on a new episode of Most Shocking?  Yeah well thats called seeing the future, and who else is better at this than The Future himself.  Tully recogns its a dad thing and being SuperDad himself, and who am I to argue.  Who can argue with some of the stories we fans send into the show, you know the one’s with a dude, well a dude’s head, attached to a bag, and how you “Gotta check this shit out”.  Tully apparently gets a few hundred of those a day, which only means Ellis must get millions and RawDog, well lets just say he was giggling the whole time and is known to be a bit tweaked.  Maybe he’s sending them all from various fake twitter handles, but I digress.  Instead may I offer you a heart warmer story of how magnets do work, well that they do their job, cause no one knows how the fuck those things work.  No one in Nascar seems to know how to make a fucking right, right!  Yeah so the boys threw around some Nascar/Kimbo Slice stories all of which are available On Demand with the SiriusXM app.  You could also catch the replay tomorrow via the online player, but not if your RawDog…..Today may be the saddest day in Ellis Show history, well except for the day Josh n Jason made out, as RawDog’s computer has passed away to ghetto gigabyte heaven.  From there I kinda teared up and wasn’t myself ofr a mintue, I mean I feel for the guy, so I all really got after that was that everyone must surf to save energy to avoid nuking babies, yeah thats about right!

 

CBS's "Elite XC Saturday Night Fights" Press Conference

What rock jungle did you crawl out of? Well considering amazon.com is located in Brazil, Im not fucking with these dudes.  I’m also not fucking with Joe Rogan, because he’d tweet my phone number and shit to get back at me.  He would be an awesome announcer for EllisMania, but since he ain’t been asked its not looking good.  Rabid wolves looked good, on a t-shirt and front and center at the LA Zoo, but for a limited time only I’m guessing.  Apparently Tully says they like to eat dogs when all hoped up on the rabies, and they enjoy humans too (Didn’t catch if thats to hang out or to eat, but Im willing to roll those dice).  They also eat you while your alive, which is really thoughtful since you’d just want it over with as slow and painful as possible.  Rabid wolves can also been seen at the Hard Rock in Vegas this Saturday, October 12th and again, they are not harmful…..as long as you don’t spill their beer!  Seriously folks I kinda missed a bit of the show but like Ellis do ponder if the bear proof steal suit guy could befriend rabid wolves cause he’s all inedible n what not.  From there it was just gifts from Will not Pendarvis for all the boys to enojy such as Tim Tams and Caramel Koalas.  Not EllisMate though, he’s gotta train to have all his mental energy to rig this upcomnig fight, so Tully n RawDog I say Good On Ya!

If your a dude born as a chic and you know it clap your dick!!  And while your at it move your ass out to Cali baby where you can choose which bathroom you wanna use in elementary school.  Kinda gonna put an end to Pimping Aint Easy, and shitty women’s basketball one could hope!  Shout out to EllisFam Zach Howard who won the Ellis T-Shirt contest and will be receiving a new Wolfknives ring and a collab with The Wing to get this puppy up for sale!  No shout out to those who sent in bomb drops cause TJES still needs a good clean bomb drop if you got one laying around.  I guess Will Jizz Cult Pendarvis III has wolfknive names laying around cause some of the shit he had today was just miraculous.  Such ledges as The Shocker, Holy Diver, The Tank, and who could forget Mr. Freezer.  He did pull Kansas City Guacamole out of his ass, but thats just what he’s into since he’s got him that sketchy swordfish nutjob for his nut jobs, allegedly of course.  So some baby in India blew up for like the 4th time, just minutes before they put my ass on hold to pay my cable bill.  Its some phenomenon that people can just combust spontaneously, kinda like premature ejaculation for but a burning sensation before and during as opposed to after.  That almost happened to Lance Mountain one time, not the early wad thing but the combustion deal.  He lit a rag on fire after gassing up his board on his final run, but was too fast for that shit to catch so I’m guessing lost to “Hey Hey, It’s Tony Hawk” but who hasn’t.

 

Rabid+Wolf

Teen Advice anyone?  I mean how can you tell if your gay?  What if your pee is a dark brown, could something be wrong?  How do you tell your girl to spot slapping and pinching you cause its hurting you?  Who would buy a pack of socks to jerk off in? Oh, RawDog is the answer to that last one.  Turns out The Illusionist makes his junk disappear into a pair of Hanes finest, but by himself as opposed to with two other dudes!  Not anymore though as we all know he’s tagging more ass than something that tags a lot of asses, and why not.  We all know the dudes who were cool in school grew up to be a tool, and those who fucked off turned out to be millionaires.  Don’t believe me, then call 855-ELLIS41 at 7am on the east side, 4am on the west, and yell “FORE”.  Not sure what the hell that is suppose to mean, but final calls can be shaky at times.  Speaking of shaky, I was at Shakey’s one time when I noticed these two fine chics one the other side of the salad bar.  So I shoved a cucumber in my pants to make them think I had a dick like a snake, you know for ultimate satisfaction, and proceeded past the diced carrots to get a closer look.  I get around to the other side and ask this massive whale of a beast if she saw two ladies just here a second ago, and as she turns around I see a huge streak of shit stain drool down the front of her blouse only to realize my mistake……I didn’t look at her face, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/5/2013

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mexcellent

No Juan says TJES isn’t the best show on radio.

There you are, I’ve been looking all over for you! Welcome back to another Monday’s re-cap, let’s get excited! More excited than that. Okay, just try and pretend you’re excited. The show started about 10 minutes early today, and if you missed it, that’s all on you. Ellis say’s he had a ripe cat shit on his chest this morning, which you gotta wonder if that’s true because I didn’t see any Instagrams of dead, bald, cats from him today. Ellis is wondering why the radio ball hasn’t been thrown to him yet. Howard is done, and TJES is on all the time, along with others, but if TJES is your style of radio, you’re in luck – because he, Tully, and Rawdog are the best at that kind of radio. He doesn’t want to compete with Howard, he can’t compete with Howard. Howard created the game. But he thinks he should be on a channel next to his to make it easier for the tard fans. Even if he did want to compete with Howard, how can he compete with someone who isn’t even in the ring, he’s just never there.

can_i_talk_to_ellis

No more X-Games talk. It’s over. We’re done. I hope.

Tully’s going to break down and call the dick doctor today. His weekend was pretty crazy too, just maybe not as crazy as his dick. More X-Games talk with tons of names of people that do stuff and don’t do stuff. I’m X-Games’ed out so the only thing I’m willing to talk about is the chick that started celebrating early and then ate shit. Hasn’t everyone learned by now that you jinx the shit out of yourself with celebrating early? You know that poor girl is probably still crying the sweetest tasting tears ever. Ellis went out with Tony Hawk last night and Tony did a little interview for Ellistronics TV, he told a personal story that he’s never told anyone before – just for Ellis and the fans. Ellis says more people are telling him that he sounds way more American than Australian nowadays. Which makes sense, and you can hear it if you go back to old shows from the past, such as what you might find on Channel 713! What a beautiful segway, right? In baseball news, A-Rod will be suspended through at least the 2014 season for performance enhancing drugs. But I ran out of fucks to give for baseball too so you’re just gonna have to deal with that.

keep_the_fries

In McDonald’s news, Ronald can keep his god damned fries.

MMA news, UFC 163 was over the weekend and the Korean Zombie got TKO’d. Again. This time it was Jose Aldo’s turn to beat the Korean Zombie. Phil Davis beat Lyoto Machida by unanimous decision. In Dingo news, he’s not on the show today because he’s in the X-Games party zone, or was. He hasn’t even texted anyone back so his mom called him from the show to make sure he was alright and didn’t drink and smoke too much at those crazy X-Games. In crazy fucker news, some crazy fucker tried to take out a bunch of people on the Venice Beach Boardwalk with his car, he ended up hitting 11 people and killing 1 tourist who was on their honeymoon and scared the ever loving fuck out of everyone else. In Aussie news, Daniel Johns of Silverchair fame made some sort of appearance some place, by himself, and the world was none the wiser. Remember the Australian guy that was steering his car with a pair of vice grips? Yeah, that one. He also had 2 blown out tires. Angry Anderson of Rose Tattoo fame is apparently racist as fuck. He was in some documentary called “Go Back To Where You Came From.” In metal as fuck news, James Hetfield turned 50 on Saturday. Rob Zombie wants noisy kids to quiet down, dag nabbit! Also, you should probably get off both of their lawns. In people with tails news, Ke$ha said she was born with a little stubby tail, but had it snipped off when she was just a baby. Some Indian boy has like a 7 incher of a tail on his back is being worshiped as a god, a god of hideous birth defects.

johnny_never_turns_down_a_fattie

Blunts? Johnny loves blunts. Tully? Not so much.

Rawdog talked about a video he found on his Facebook of some stupid vegan dude that’s stupid as shit, so fuck that stupid guy and let’s hear some Doing Stuff With Tully. First up, making a campfire. Tully says he’d surround the pit with rocks, find a bunch of dried leaves and paper and bunch of little sticks to start his campfire. So it has been said, and so it shall be done. How would Tully kill Will? One, he doesn’t have a motive so he thinks he’d try to find a window where he has a bunch of alibis and then try to poison as much of Will’s stuff as he could. If he had to shoot him, he’d try to find his house and shoot him in his bed with a pistol and a silencer. Then, how to launch a boat into the water. Tully would get it as close to the water as possible, make sure it was tied on so it didn’t float away, and then from there, he’s pretty lost. How would he unclog a kitchen sink drain? Use a half bottle of Drano, and if that didn’t work, call someone. What about wires hanging from a wall and turning it into an outlet? He’d make sure it was daytime, make sure the power was off by turning off every electrical breaker in his house. Then he’d Google it and ask the guy at Home Depot what to do next. How do you roll a blunt? Get the cigar, cut it open, get the tobacco out, load it up with weed, fold the sides over and blow that motherfucker. The raccoon in the house incident? Going by what he heard from a buddy, he’d go back to bed and hope they left. But, if he can’t call animal control and has to deal with it, he’d wait until it was asleep and beat the raccoon with a baseball bat. How about fixing a carburetor? He has no idea and isn’t even sure what it looks like. How about putting a chain back on a bike? He’d place the chain back on the sprocket and spin the wheel until each cog slips into it’s place. How would he commit suicide but make sure it made national headlines? First, he said he’d go to the Today Show with a bunch of bags of confetti inside his coat, underwear, pants, etc. As much confetti as he could pack onto his body and then explode himself. After more discussion, he changed his answer, but between Rawdog calling me mike_in_canada and me driving home, unable to take notes, I forgot what it was. There were a few more questions that Tully tried to answer, but the real thing to take from this is that, as smart as Tully is, there is plenty he admittedly can’t do. One thing he definitely can do though is, fuck your wife and fuck your mother. That much is clear.

kiss_who_you_want

Kiss me like one of your French babies.

In Russian news, the Bloodhound Gang recently performed in the Ukraine. One of the guys stuck the Russian flag down his pants and pulled it out the back and the BAM! They got assaulted and deported. Comedy Central hasn’t aired the James Franco Roast yet, but they did air a commercial for it where he gets fake punched in the face in slow-motion, not entirely unlike the video Ellis did. Roger Waters is being called antisemitic because he’s a big supporter of Palestine and had floated a giant pig with a star of David or some shit on it at a concert. Who cares besides self righteous pricks that feel their more entitled to be dicks than anyone else. Russel Brand was performing some comedy and talking about Katy Perry and how sometimes he’d think about other people before pulling out and jizzing on her tits. No! Really? The Smurfs suck, pretty much everything is better than The Smurfs. Voltron was cool as fuck, and that’s all you really need to know about Voltron. Which reminds me, a plane is dropping out of the sky like a stone, the pilot has given up hope, and the passengers are making their peace with the world and preparing themselves for certain death. At the end of the plane a stewardess stands up and shouts “Fuck this, if I’m going to die I want to go out having a good time. Before we die is there anyone on this plane that can make me feel like a woman one last time?” Near the back of the plane a tall, swarthy olive-skinned man stands up. Handsome, muscular and powerful. He strides down the aisle, sure-footed and graceful in spite of the plane’s bucking. The passengers fall silent as he passes. Walking slowly, he removes his jacket, then gently slips off his shirt to reveal broad shoulders and six-pack abs. As he nears the quivering stewardess, he stops, extends one confident hand to her, and in a gravelly bass voice whispers, “… here, iron this.” OH!

nuggets

ROTFLMAO

Show Re-cap for Thursday 3/28/2013

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et another Thursday for you and I my friend – I bet your wondering what Ellis said first.  Well, your a fucking pussy.  Yup, were all pussies, including Ellismate himself who said his vag needs to harden the fuck up too.  Apparently The Wing was having a shit day moment, Pansy Fest to be exact.  You see with all the business n shit that came with but after the radio show, its kinda forced Ellis to say shit he usually wouldn’t.  Not all the time, but once in a while is more than he’d enjoy as well all know.  What if it was just radio, and none of the other bullshit like trying to get a TV show for instance.  Like Ellis says, too many fingers in too many pies and the bigger he gets, the less he feels he can say without pissing someone off = Sellout.  I personally don’t agree with that totally, but there is an angle there, and no one wants fish+chips with pizza!  Of course Tully loves beer and ice cream in bed with Ms Tully, its a tradition in the Oxford household.  But #FuckTully right, so back to Ellismate who says he holds back about 1% of the shit he wants to say.  Damn that 1% sounds like some good fucking radio gold but I get it.  He also used to eat his food n think of shit for the show, but now he just thinks of how to handle all the people involved in this Ellis empire!  There is good news for The Cowboy though, he can train at Bas Rutten’s gym since its only down the road……except that when he n Katie made the trip the night before, it turned out to be about 20 miles down the 101, which in LA at 7:30am means forced anal rape-age so that fucking sucks too.  Well what else can go wrong – then JizzCult enters the studio and you know were all doomed.  Nah, Will’s cool and he brings some new drops – and something for you #EllisFam.  If you live near the studio, or your in town, and wanna be in studio playing games on the show?  Fuck yeah you do shithead – email jellis@siriusxm.com with the DATE(s) and/or TIME(s) plus your CONTACT INFO and get it up ya!  83140196 So Tom Green saw a drone today and tweeted that shit, which was finally an upside for Ellis since he could sit back and listen to Rawdog n Tully battle it out on why drones are dangerous to our privacy says Josh.  Well, short n sweet, and a criminal investigator and some other conspiracy theory dude who’s got the criminal investigator now looking into him later = Tully Wins (Tully 1 – Rawdog 0).

 

 

No Shit!

No Shit!

Gay marriage laws are up for review by The Supreme Court says Rawdog, specifically the Prop 8 one and the Defense of Marriage at which was passed by Bill Fuck Yeah Clinton.  You know what’s not gay, being able to watch Big Fucking Mega Boat The Woodsman on EllisMania.com, ON YOUR SMART PHONE!!!!  So remember how Rawdog called out the lack of script for Big Fucking Mega Boat, which Tully said fuck you – Well Tully brought in the “script” for it, and Rawdog immediately started with an apology to Tully, BUT, he also sticks to his guns on not being the producer, only the editor.  Also the go cart track didn’t help much, well it did get everyone there, but then everyone was distracted for some odd reason.  But the script was what was in question, and how about the scene of the Big Fucking Mega Boat with tentacles n testicles, wheres that huh?  No scenes with the BFMB killing any celebrities either or the scene of Jagerbeard shoving a dildo into the rear of BFMB, with Belladonna’s ass as the self destruct button and Muska Kills tagged on the side of the ship. Again though, Rawdog isn’t the producer and the producer is who checks all that shit and makes it happen.  So who was the producer right?  Donald Schultz of course.  Ellis does remember them arguing over who wasn’t the producer, so maybe.  It also didn’t help they couldn’t get cameo’s from such legends like Benji Madden (Another 5 lines that turn into 20 minutes of sweet nothings like in The Woodsman) and Tony Hawk (Another creepy dude with a hat n a moustache like in The Woodsman).  Bottom line is Big Fucking Mega Boat ain’t no Woodsman, but being able to watch it on your iPhone fucking kicks ass.  In closing, Rawdog would like to say if there is another movie involving them all, such as maybe Steve Dead Load or Gory Hole, that he would love to be the producer and would “handle shit” = Rawdog Wins (Rawdog 1 – Tully 1).

 

 

Rawdog's doppelganger per Doug Benson

Rawdog’s doppelganger per Doug Benson

Cock News with none other than Doug Benson, good timing Doug, where a San Francisco school figured out about men who go to the ER for penis injuries mostly do from getting it caught in the zipper.  Well Ellis wasn’t satisfied with this version of Cock News, and Doug hasn’t heard the stories yet, so we got to hear about that one time he blue balled a staff hole into his dick, and the other time he ripped his Ronnie Rollback fucking that one chic, Red Dragons!  Tully got his junk caught in the zipper on his PJs when he was like 4 too, didn’t know that huh!  Both were better Cock News for sure but that’s not why we’re here.    DougLovesMovies.com and his new movie The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled isn’t why we’re here either, but its why Doug is here so check it out!  Were here to play a game with Doug of course, but first lets see what he’s got on the punching machine.  While checking out the board, he knew he had to beat Cumtard’s 40, but wsa threatened by Rob Corddry’s 58, oh and called out Sam Rubin but that turned out to backfire on him as his top score out of 3 punches was a respectable 49, but not enough to beat Rubin.  Hopefully Doug has enough in him to beat The Jason Ellis Show at their own game, kinda based off Doug’s game he plays on his podcast, but with a twist.  Will read off names which were either an Action Stars character name or a Porn Star.  I’m not giving you a detailed play by play, but I will say both Doug nailed the first one by naming the movie too, and Ellis got the first 5 right.  Rawdog n Tully kinda fell behind in the beginning and Doug just kept a solid pace.  Then the Wing fell apart dropping his last 5 and letting the other 3 all pull into a tie for the final question.  Well, the name was Tony Cage and Rawdog knew it a little too well perhaps, and of course was the only one to get it right = Rawdog Wins (Rawdog 2 – Tully 1)!!!

 

 

Oddly enough Sly checked in for both categories!

Oddly enough Sly checked in for both categories!

 

Hollywood News was kinda limited today kids, but Barbara Walters old ass is calling it quits.  They also talked about Justin Bieber spitting on that dude but kinda didn’t give a shit since its so close to Friday n all.  Rawdog did some Teen Advice as well with seniors dating 8th graders and Am I A Lesbian, which just ask yourself 3 simple questions.  Am I Fat?  Do I Wear a Ball Cap?  How Big Are My Calf Muscles?  Again I didn’t pay much attention but this time case I was too busy laughing my ass off at Rawdog give a good 5 minutes of drops, that would fill up at least a page on Ellis’s board, acting like the chics asking this bullshit.  I’m sure we will hear those in the future while listening to The Future.  See what I did there?  Your grandma didn’t see what I did there though, well not after last night’s escapades involving a dart board with a Gory Hole drilled through the bulls eyes swinging from a chain hooked to the ceiling, while she was tied up to the folding chair I keep in my basement with some good ol’ duckie mate, as I did 5 spins around the baseball bat between 5 lines of coke and 2 cialis, and ran full speed targeting your mom’s face hole timed with the swinging board trying to make her tear from gagging the back of her throat.  Well I missed her throat, still got the tears, and came up with a whole new meaning for BullsEYE, OH!

 

 

Show Re-cap for Friday 3-15-2013

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Fuck You!  I don’t have to tell you shit man, I don’t have to tell you it’s Friday, and I certainly don’t have to just talk about The Jason Ellis Show.  In fact, Fuck That!  Its Dog Center mofo’s and joining our illustrious host Josh Rawdog Richmond is none other than Michael McTumble Tully (It’ll make sense later on) back from a two day aids-cation, which he “claims” to be over, uh huh!  Rawdog doesn’t really fucking care what Tully has to say cause he gets to push the buttons and sit in the big boy seat!  Tully did say he checked out some radio while out and the ‘Best Riffs’ was good clean radio fun!  Superdad is also shocked Purple Haze is now out of the pool of 64.  Tully also caught yesterdays no dick having proposition and got Rawdog started again, and just as he was about the marry a tranny, in walks our hero, our saviour, Young Wing.  Well I guess Rawdog didn’t get that memo, you know the one about checking with Ellis first before just going into Dog Center like that.  Turns out he didn’t get it, so in the end we all learned a valuable lesson today kids…..It’s Will’s fault, fucking Jizz Cult, who isn’t there today cause of his own aids-cation, which has officially been termed “Tully’s Shit Your Guts Out Disease”.  Just hope that shit don’t make it to the East Coast!  Anyways, Tiger kicked a ball into his face, and then he whipped his face off on Burger Ellis, and your Chad Reed’s poopie underwears!  How sweet would it be to take Tully’s new drug, which makes you feel just like a 3 year old, blissful as it may sound it does include temper tantrums?  How sweet would it be to think a Sperm Bank is the place you donate your load huh Rawdog?  From there it was just phone calls on fisting stories, the likes of which produced the creepiest of creepy.  One caller did remind Ellis how symmetrical and proportionate, not to mention aerodynamic, Ellismate’s penis is.  That and Tully needs to tell Ellis this same type of compliment more often, to which Tully jsut dodged big time, finally giving in with a mediocre “Nice Cock”.  Rawdog on the other hand does care for 6 pounds, and even suggested he get a Weenie Warmer for those colder nights!

Hope You Get Better Soon Will – Barry Damn!

UFC News is pretty fucking simple, its UFC 158 this weekend with Nick Diaz battling George St. Pierre, oh and GSP plays mind games with himself!  Grill Em All is this magical fucking place where these sweet add dudes make the baddest fucking burgers n sandwiches n all since like well never before.  They came on the show to toss out some eats for the gents to review, and to plug their shit – win/win!  Did you know Grill Em All is no longer just a truck driving around Cali, but rather a restaurant, with walls n a restroom n shit in the restroom n shit.  Crazy I know – Its also true they got some deal worked out with Metallica for the name n all, and Metallica has not eating there as of yet.  The dudes from Grill Em All did get to meet Lars one time, through Dave Grohl of course.  They also were invited to a party Metallica was having, but didn’t make it???  Whatever, these dudes brought food and its Friday so fuck off.  Ellis had the Behemoth which was fuckign awesome.  Rawdog had the Dee Snyder which was pretty fucking tasty.  Tully had the Bar Coastal, also excellent.  This place sounds delicious!  Weekends are crazy busy for the boys so it sounds like their move indoors is paying off handsomely.  The good folks at Grill Em All also extended the hook up to Rawdog to impress any date he may want to bring by, fucking cool man.  If your ever in California check these mutha fuckers out and enjoy!

Image from searching “Panda Porn”

Image from searching “Panda Sex”

Breaking News – Panda Porn works!  Its weird as fuck, but apparently all those years of shoving two teddy bears together has paid off.  Well its March, so what else could that mean?  Its Best Riff time everybody.  Today we were able to advance one more team to the Elite 8, this time from the ‘Alternative’ bracket.  I didn’t catch it song for song, but you get the idea:

 

#1 – “Superstitious” – Stevie Wonder WINNER

#16 – Some Radiohead song

 

#8 – No freaking clue

#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER

 

#9 – “In The Flesh” WINNER

#1 – “Superstitious”

 

#13 – That Pixies song

#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver” – Primus WINNER

 

#12 – Violent Femmes

#5 – “Money For Nothing” – Dire Straits WINNER

 

#4 – “Jerry Was A Race Car Driver”

#5 – “Money For Nothing WINNER (Triple Overtime)

 

#5 – “Money For Nothing” WINNER

#9 – “In The Flesh”

 

So the MTV song defeated Les Claypool’s strip club anthem in one of the toughest fought battles we’ve seen in year’s folks, only to move onto the Elite 8.  More to come on this when we, you, well really The Jason Ellis Show decides who has the Best Riff!

Say “Hi” Dom!

Hey you’ve met Dom, the new producer dude right?  He seems pretty cool so far, but as we all know that don’t mean shit until you get bitten by a snake, or shit on by one too that’ll do it.  Well, today is no better day to initiate Dom into the club and who better to bring in the muscle?  Reptile Outpost no doubt!  And how better to determine the punishment, the Wheel Of Doom no doubt.  And how to determine he Dom should face The Wheel, a simple little Q+A devised from #EllisFam tweets and Rawdog.  For those of you who wanna play along at home, I’ve left the questions at the end.  Now look, questions don’t mean shit here, all we care about is life and living it right!  Well man, Dom learned to live today and tomorrow the air will taste so good to him.  Cheese will probably never taste good to him as its almost as scary to him as getting bit by a snake or scorpion.  Well after the first two questions were wrong, and Dom suffered through both blue and cream cheese and near vomiting, we eliminated cheese from The Wheel and shit got heavy.  From there Dom pretty much feel apart really.  He pet a scorpion and then a bird eating spider with minor complaint, but when the giant cock roach came out Dom lost his cool and almost his lunch since those things apparently smell like shit.  Then it was put your hand in the box time for Dom.  The first go into the box Dom was lucky as he missed the dick and touched only the bottom of the box.  Then the snake was put in and Dom got another go, and another.  Let me tell you by this point Dom was freaking out, screaming with a pitch the likes of Frank Decaro, but the snake wouldn’t fucking bite him.  By then Ellis just had the Reptile Outpost dudes bring the snake out and try to bite Dom while his arm was extended but no dice.  Its almost as if there’s a direct link between stroke victims and snakes refusing to bite them, weird.  Anyways heres the Q+A for you to play along at home, along with Dom’s answer when incorrect (And the “Correct” answers are in the caption of the next picture, if you don’t get it then you are Fucktard Of The Week):

1.  What was Tully’s original nickname?  “McTumble”

2.  Who was 1st winner of Musical Chair Fight?  “Dingo”

3.  Whos the worst house sitter?  “Dingo”

4.  Who’s the king of all pouches?  “Raw Dog”

5.  Give another nickname for Rawdog?

6.  Who’s the original owner of Ellis’s Porsche?  “Benji Madden”

7.  Whats the jet ski tat on Ellis’s leg say?

8.  What’s the girls name who gave Rawdog a hand job?  “Sasha Grey”

9.  What is Tully’s kids nickname?  “Little Man”

10.  What is Ellis’s favorite Offspring song?

11.  Name a sex move Ellis has invented?  “The Mouth To Vagina”

12.  What is Dingo’s catch phrase?  “Really”

13.  Who’s the greatest toon to do coke with?  “Scooby Doo”

14. What’s the original name of Death! Death! Die!?

15.  What does “TFB” mean?  “Tumble McRumbleson”

16.  Who lives under the studio?  “Springs”

..and for those playing at home, Dom got 4 out of 16, I got 15 out of 16, how’d you do?

(1. Cow Fucker) (2. Butter Balls) (3. Jason Mayhem Miller) (4. Jason Ellis) (5. theres so many give yourself a point) (6. Thomas Haden Church) (7. Kawasaki or Kawaski) (8. I Don’t Remember) (9. Linsanity) (10. None of them) (11. Reverse Scorpion, Reverse Chicken Wing Ball, Reverse Motosaki) (12. Pound for Pound) (13. Skeletor) (14. Tony Hawk’s Taintstick) (15. Trust Fund Baby) (16. Bill The Scorpion)

How could I forget tonight is Tiger Box, the greatest event one man has ever planned.  There’s gonna be metal n whores n locusts n Rawdog may go too, tis fucking sick man!  But before the show can go on, Ellis needs to find his guitar tech/roadie, and this can only be done with a test of will n strength n fucktardedness.  So each intern was giving a task to complete, a task that may or may not be asked of a tech in a pinch.  Anal Gay Lewis had to go purchase rubbers, poke holes n ’em, and return as quickly as he could…..so Ellis can impregnate every lady there and make tons of shredding babies to carry the Riff on forever, duh!  Fruitler was giving a gun, that may or may not, ok was used for a murder and needed to be buried where no one could find it.  Both of them were to take pictures of the task for proof, and again return as quickly as they could, at least before the end of the fucking show right.  I kinda missed a lot from here to the end, Hollywood News was about Sharon Stone pissing off her maid, and Val Kilmer tweeting Tully about checking out his new play.  Well only 5 minutes of that shit and Anal Gay had returned.  Well he definitely was the fastest thats for sure, but a job must be done correctly or the clock has not stopped ticking young grasshopper.  Well, Anal Gay not only got regular sized condoms, he also decided it be best to take them out of the wrapper to poke the holes in them, and them slip them back into the ripped packaging.  As Tully, who so elegantly hosts the world renowned Woman Am I Right, put it “woman ain’t that fucking dumb dude”!  From here the show got very happy and stuff, cause it’s Devin’s birthday today.  Happy Birthday Devin, hope you have an awesome day!!!  Ellis worked it out so he could tell her Happy Birthday live on the radio, so everyone had to be super chill or else!  Well Ellis flexed his radio muscle for Snookie to hear, and no more than 10 seconds after he said bye does Josh drop “…shit man, Fuck!”  Fruitler had returned during all this, so lets see how he did.  Well he had a picture of the gun being buried, and buried too!  Well just to make sure he’s the guy, and to also quiet Anal Gay Lewis’s tears of frustration over losing this event, Fruitler was giving the same Impregnation mission, to which he poked the fucking holes into the wrapper – Boom!   Anal Gay just died after that, and in my humble opinion got very Bitch Chocolate like from there on out.  Anyways its Final Calls from there and you know we don’t give flying mother fucking fuck!  All we care about is being elbow deep in your grandma with one arm, fist deep in your dad’s ass with the other, knee deep in your mom’s vagina with a leg, and standing straight up on the other as to form the self proclaimed “Family Tree”, OH!