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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/6/14

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Holy fuck, I was so wrapped up in giving the show ideas for the wheel of doom, I almost forgot it was my day to shit all over the keyboard and call it art… I mean, RECAP THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!!! Hey dude-bros and chick-bitches, how’s it goin’? Good? Shut up, I don’t care, cause it’s time for the Wing to break us off some good times to enjoy our respective lunches/drives home to. The show started with a new sound drop from the movie Red Dragon, cause it just needs to be. Also Jude was in studio, and since that’s never a bad time, well then good on ya. The guys talked movies for a quick minute, mostly cause Jude didn’t know about Red Dragon and all the sequels/prequels of the silence of the lambs franchise. Jason wondered if Jodie Foster is one of those lesbians that goes all natural or if she shaves her ass hair, and after some discussion, it was determined that she probably keeps it as clean as all of Southern California. Jude has a habit of dunking ladies faces in his armpit when he’s plowing them so that they get a good whiff of pheremones and remember the experience the next time they cum. Also, Italian guys have been known to wipe a handkerchief under their balls then wear it in their front pocket, as a way of attracting the opposite (or same, cause y’know, Europe) sex. It all revolves around making sure you know how to approach the subject of stank with your loved ones. Some people can take a little constructive criticism, but other people need to be told that you can’t afford to reupholster the couch every time you guys have company just so you’ll stop getting letters from the city about the biohazard living under your roof. This brought the conversation aroound to how everybody’s balls have a different scent, very similar to that of hairless cats, but just as unique as every snowflake. But it could never trump the theoretical horrors that could be lurking in every vagina. Jude told some stories about ladies that he banged, and I kind of missed most of it cause there was pizza in front of me that I had to start processing into poo, but there was banter and it was good. This all stopped for a minute when Tully announced that one of his wife’s friends listens to the show, so let’s keep it clean and not bring up vaginal disgustingness. But fuck all that, cause before Jude runs off, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy! And some apologies from Jude to Cumtard for staring deep into his girlfriend’s holes on his show yesterday, he didn’t realize it was already claimed. That said, the guys got jeopardy underway and it was hilarious as always cause of Jason’s odd, disjointed descriptions of things, and the hilarious buzzers that each of the contestants get. Jude won, surprisingly enough, but that didn’t deflect from the guys talking about Cumtard’s girlfriend and the Foreally show, which I have listened to every episode of and it is fucking hilarious. The guys talked for a bit about holistic healers and animal whisperers and I can just bisect all of this and tell you that I was hanging out drinking with a “psychic” while she was off the clock, and she admitted that it really is a load of shit. Jason keeps having problems with his Porsche picking up nails in the tires and Porsche trying to sell him new tires like he’s got liquid rubber spilling out of his dick. Let’s all stew on that mental image and listen to a little target practice.

 

So, have you ever taken your kids to the circus? I went years ago, but that’s back when the animals got legitimately beaten and they didn’t have all these obnoxious French people doing synchronized trapeze or some shit. But anyways, the reason this was brought up is because Tully found a video of a bunch of acrobats basically getting dick slapped by Jesus from high up on top of the American Flag while he was polishing off a Big Mac. That’s what you get for doing away with the bearded lady shooting ping pong balls out of her vag. Jason and Tully talked for a while about the best look for a bearded lady, which got a little too complicated for a whole bunch of talk about someone you’re not gonna be trying to wife up. Jason was checking out a house that he might be buying, and him and Katie noticed that the real estate agent had the most ridonkulous booty that either of them had ever seen on such a short, skinny lady. Jason started talking about a movie he saw about some guy who started a cult and got all his followers to commit suicide, much like Jonestown. This prompted the guys to start talking about how to make a really bitchin’ cult that wouldn’t necessarily have to be all about killing yourself or cutting your nuts off so the head of it will let you stay married to your significant other. The guys took some phone calls about cults and how they’re really fucked up and you should avoid them at all costs, especially the ones with lots of members…like Christianity. And then there was some talk about post WW2 economic prosperity and pimps and the later parts of the industrial revolution, it was kind of hard to string together cause work was really slow and that pizza had me falling asleep at my desk (hey, it takes a lot of energy to turn pizza into poo). But it all came around to how the baby boomers were the first generation to be just entitled enough to think they had it made by not conforming and it was a colossal failure cause hippies are stupid, and the next generation which brought punk rock with it were kind of the same, only a lot more nihilistic and anti-everything than pro-everything. Hardcore didn’t like that analogy, and I think Tully might be missing a certain amount of historical context of some of those things, but he brought it all together with the talk they were having about cults and how it’s basically people who have it pretty good who now have the free time to try new shit and cults are just big groups of people on the same wavelength at the same time. Namely, that they should become eunuchs and sell their children for sex to their benevolent leader and then partake in a mass suicide to secure their place on the ass end of an intergalactic semen. However, there’s money and sweet ass orgies to be had in a cult, so Jason and Tully kicked around the idea of starting their own, complete with pole dancing and any kind of wheeled machine that runs on nitromethane that is available for public purchase. There were some phone calls about cults and people who know cult members and such, and it sounds like cults are fucking shitty. Except for all those guys who were walking around with rolls of quarters in their socks, getting ready to go all Charles Bronson on some fuckin’ aliens and joyride a space ship all the way to your anus (not a typo). There were some more phone calls about cults, and Jason is very happy with some beanie that Tully had made for him that sticks to his head like a fresh sheet of grip tape when he hasn’t shaved his dome for a few days. Long story short, let’s just pray to Monster Energy and go skate and destroy. It seems like a much simpler happier way to live. We’ll even let the longboard guys come hang out, cause shredding a pool isn’t for everybody, some people just gotta bomb hills, and there doesn’t have to be any malice between them. Tully floated the idea for a new reality show that would pit the best of the best of your hillbilly militias versus an army special forces unit and see who can win a full force game of paintball. Jason played some bizarre sound effect he had found on YouTube as a way to try and get callers to guess so they could win some free shit, and I can only describe this sound as something similar to your average cartoon vulture fucking your average cartoon elephant, but in fact it was two lynx talking to eachother. Who knew? So, with that out of the way, the guys got back to talking about kicking a bitch in the cunt, in the form of song, and we all took a few minutes to collect ourselves for what would be next.

 

The guys came back and decided it would be a good idea tp introduce themselves properly and respectfully to the newest subscribers of faction, and they did so by playing audio of Jim Jones preaching to his congregation of insane followers. Let’s just say, if it was in German, it would have sounded really similar to another guy from sometime in, oh, I don’t know, the 1930s. Luckily Charles Manson never had that particular silver tongue, he just had to invite people over for orgies with chicks who had crazy STD’s, which in it’s own way is probably the single greatest weapon ever developed. It would seriously minimize a lot of civilian deaths and debilitate a population. Cumtard bought balloons for his girlfriend, so the guys had to take a few minutes to discuss how this is probably the most dateable he’s ever gonna be, so he better make the best of it and get all he can out of the lady he’s smashing right now. Cumtard shat in the hat (poet and I didn’t know it) to get his sample off to the doctor so that they could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him, other than the fact that he’s in his thirties and still watches the original Ninja Turtles and poops in a plastic fireman’s hat to send it to a doctor because he has diarrhea for weeks at a time. The guys couldn’t help but talk about feces for a while after this, cause you really can make all the jokes in the world somehow come back to the topic of bodily waste. In the midst of this, it was discovered that someone rearranged the buttons and the Cumtard butt-chugging buttons were removed, for no clear reason at all, and a witch hunt would need to be performed to find them. In honor of Kevin making his first solid horse chips in several weeks, the guys decided to make him put on a shock collar and huff a bunch of helium to produce some interesting new screams. He also sang his signature tune “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!! Sk8r BoiAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” and the townspeople rejoiced. He also did a pretty awesome rendition of “Mother” by Danzig, and the guys put it in the works to have “electric helium guy” be a permanent contestant on the dating game, should they ever decide to do it again. Then Cumtard did an electric helium rendition of “Hits from the bong” by Cypress Hill, and if B-Real heard it, he would laugh, and then probably kick him in the dick just one time, on principle. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the guys put out a call for suggestions for new things to put on the wheel of doom, and they discussed some of the better suggestions, like getting a “YOLO” tattoo in henna somewhere really visible, like the forehead. There was also drinking coffee that was made with Cumtard’s underwear as a filter, chewing a flavored condom and blowing a bubble, eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your dick then eat it, get blindfolded and try to ID everyone’s feet by their own particular stank, memorize the lyrics to a Coldplay song then sing it, Bengay your armpits, toilet spelunking, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause the guys have stuff to do, like MMA news! Junior Dos Santos fucked up his hand and won’t be able to fight in his next bout, so the main event just got a lot lamer for whatever was gonna be happening in Brazil. There was some more drama about this event from the previous main event between Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva, but it’s kind of up in the air what all the details are, so we’ll just skip that until all the facts come in. Plus, I wasn’t paying that close attention and may have gotten one or more of those names wrong. There was more talk about The Ultimate Fighter and whether or not they may be in China, or Brazil, and whether Chung Li or Blanka may be competing in the next season. In better news though, Vitor Belfort is gonna replace testosterone therapy with prayer, cause really, when has that not ever solved any of the world’s problems? The guys kicked around the idea for a cheater league of MMA fighters that would all be on TRT or roids or crystal meth, and I think that would be awesome, like bumfights but it’s people with money. They talked boxing for a while too, cause there was that Mayweather fight this weekend, and that was apparently a big deal to a lot of folks. The guys watched a video of what allegedly happened to Wanderlei Silva in Brazil that might have caused his back injury that took him out of that one fight, and from the outside looking in, I could certainly believe that it’s a lot of drama I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

 

SCIENCE!!! It keeps telling us important shit that some people refuse to believe, because they don’t grasp the concept that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that it’s not an absolute proven fact. But in this particular case, what science has found is that there’s an insect where the lady has a penis and the man has a vagina, and they moved to the Castro District of San Francisco and opened a really gay donut shop that has great krullers, but you will have to try and evade a guy in short shorts and roller skates trying to get your number. This brought up the question of what if this was the way it was all across humanity, and it might be cool for a “Freaky Friday” kind of movie, but it would probably get old, or weird, in a relatively short amount of time, cause if there’s one thing Craigslist has taught me, it’s that people are getting really restless when it comes to new things to try sexually. Of course, the question had to come up, what would porn be like if the organs were reversed? Would guys want to see ladies with 19 inch inverted uteri? Or would we want something a little more reasonable, like ladies generally do? And would guys get PMS? Would we lose the ability to parallel park and get ready to leave the house in five minutes or less? What about that whole “$0.70 on the dollar” thing that’s been keeping me from starving to death for the last 12 years? Would the “Women, Am I Right?” segment all of a sudden become way less interesting cause guys are the ones flipping out and throwing shovels at people? Would “The View” turn from a morning stitch and bitch into a sensible news program? WOULD THE WORD BITCH STILL RETAIN IT’S WONDERFUL ENTERTAINING DEFINITION IN THE MIRRIAM-WEBSTER ENGLISH DICTIONARY?!?!!?!!?! Tully is definitely more concerned about this than anybody, cause Linsanity has recently started having bad dreams and being scared of the dark, to which I would advise him to play Iron Maiden’s “Fear Of The Dark” over and over and over until Linsanity learns to enjoy the darkness, cause it’s necessary for Satanic rituals and criminal activity. Some parents got ornery with a flight attendant cause she was trying to get their daughter, who was getting pounded out in the bathroom, to calm down cause other people couldn’t hear the in flight safety instructions. But hey, what would have happened if she was the one with the dick smashing out some guys man-vag? WOULD THE PARENTS HAVE EVEN GOTTEN INVOLVED?!?!?!?! IT AIN’T THEIR DAUGHTER GETTING BROKE OPEN IN AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY!!! It’s a question that we’ll probably never get an answer to. The guys talked about the new cast of Star Wars for a bit, and how Yoda may have been a supreme Jedi master, but the force couldn’t fix his legs, so maybe it’s not as all powerful as James Earl Jones would like us to believe. The guys were gonna try and skype with some folks, but skype is a dishonest cunt and the production budget of the Jason Ellis Show can’t be stretched far enough to have a permanent IT guy. There were some final calls and stuff, and with Hardcore on the phones, we were able to weed out a lot of the shit that would normally get through and make Jason want to rip the phone out of the wall. Don’t forget, if you want to be in the biggest loser fight at EM10, you’re running out of time to become a big fat fuck and then lose the weight, so get on a philly cheese steak milk shake and start using lard in your morning coffee.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/18/14

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I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and  Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.

 

So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.

 

AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.

 

So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 1/16/2014

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Ahem…ahem…let me preface this by apologizing for the lack of links…my puppy chewed apart my laptop charger and I am posting this from an iPad and anytime I click the hyperlink button it erases a paragraph of what I just wrote…so…no.

Secondly, Dan, you may or may not be the alleged creator of the don’t die show recap and the lone speaker for all those who have real jobs and can’t sit around taking notes (I personally wish that I thought as highly of myself as you do, by the way), but No You Are perfected the art of TJES recap, and this is how it’s done:

Ellis is “that dude” and it’s been a long ass time since he took a good look at the hole (haha…see what I did there?) but he’s pretty secure about it. He’s also pretty secure about how fat he is right now, but Mike Dolce is going to be on the show today and will probably turn that right around. Coincidence? I think not! There’s always emotions when a penis goes into a vagina, no matter what level of cold-hearted bitch status you have achieved in life, and that’s why it may be difficult for girls to have strictly sexual, no-feeling relationships with guys. Ellis says he believes that it can work for girls for a certain stretch of time in their lives, but for it to be on-going…he’ll go right ahead and call bullshit on that one. Men can have a hard time battling emotions when it comes to having sex with a girl, especially a really hot girl, and yeah, that’s a little girly…but there’s nothing wrong with being a little bit girly in different aspects of your life. Consequently….there’s definitely room for some girliness in life when you’re awesome enough for RCH racing to give you a motorbike, which will be delivered to your workplace so that you may perform burn-outs, get carbon monoxide poisoning and cause damage to your surroundings much to the chagrin of your boss. Breaking Shit My Pants MMA News is next on the agenda at the good ol’ Jason Ellis Show because there were fights on last night brought to you by the wonderful folks over at FoxSports1. Tully mentions that the Venezuelen Vixen, who won the Ultimate Fighter this past season, was in the crowd and was looking beautiful. She was also aware of her beauty and when the camera panned on her she took the opportunity to flip her hair over her shoulder and reveal her decidedly non-cauliflower ears. Cause Venezuelan bitches have great fucking ears. Onto the actual fight part of MMA News, Ellis wanted to talk about something that everyone should be talking about, but no one was- the fact (because we’re just gonna take this one as fact) that Yoel Romero- an Olympic Silver Medalist Wrestler turned MMA fighter- shit his teeny purple lycra pants and won his fight against Derek Brunson. And really…there is no denying that he shit his pants. Tully, a self-touting ‘you shit yourself’ expert who is two years deep in shit experience to the date, agrees with Ellis that there is no other explanation other than Romero rocket sharted during the fight. Romero allegedy denied that he defecated in his shorts, but everyone who was in attendance, everyone in the locker room, and basically everyone online agrees that no, it was not water and sweat, it was stinky poopie schmear. Why is no one really talking about it? Probably has something to do with the fact that this guy, who is a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like is…well…a walking specimen of what fitness and muscle should look like and is fully capable of beating the shit out of you so that you too could know what it felt like to fight with poopie pants. Some calls were taken on the subject, a scientific justification was given for pants shitting during fighting using the parasympathetic nervous system fight or flight response, and everyone agrees that he made a poopie. Ellis isn’t really trying to rag too hard on the guy, because hey, shit happens.

Ellis, Tully,and Cumtard are heading to Vegas after the show tonight (and are probably already there by the time that I am typing this) in order to attend the AVN’s and hang out with porn stars. Tully feels slightly bad about this as today is Little Dude’s second birthday and Daddy will be spending it in Vegas at a porn convention. But hey, chances are Little Dude will have absolutely no memory of this so…Party On Tully! After Ellis gets back from Vegas he is gonna hang with his kiddies and hopefully do some fun things, so long as his kids are feeling better. Because they are sick. They were apparently up on and off throughout the night last night and Daddy Ellis was doing his best to take care of them and be the good daddy that he is. Their mummy wanted them to go to school this morning, but after being up all night with them Daddy Ellis made the big N-O call on that one, but when he tried to call Mummy to pick them up so he could go to work, he wasn’t able to get in touch with her. He called and texted and called and texted and was starting to think that he would have to call Tully and tell him that they would be doing an extremely PG rated show in a box full of germs when Mummy finally called him back. Why wasn’t she answering her phone? Because she was also sick and had slept in past 10 AM. Ellis can’t even imagine sleeping until 10 in the morning because he is 42. I can’t imagine sleeping past 10 AM because I have a 4 year old who will tell you that it’s morning and time to wake up if he wakes up at 3 AM. Fucking kids. Good thing they’re cute.

Someone from Mattel, who Will isn’t sure if they can share the name, sent a package to Tully and Ellis bursting with toys for the kiddos, which was awesome and made them both really awesome daddies in the eyes of their offspring. Tully used the toys to dissuade Little Man from going outside when it was cold (read: cold in LA means that it was probably a balmy 65 degrees out), and Daddy Ellis had it all in his car to keep the kids busy on the ride from Mummy to Daddy’s house. Win. Will comments that the people who listen to the show (or you know, read about the show on really awesome websites run by some really awesome people) who never hesitate to spend time, effort, and money to send things to everyone at TJES, and really are a tight knit group who help each other out and genuinely care for one another. Ellisfam is amazing. Case closed.

Ellis wants to freeze his blood in Red Dragons ice cube trays and put them in Katie’s drinks because that is so twistedly romantic. I’m a girl. I get it. *Heart eyes* Will has a gigantic problem with the thought of this and suggests that instead, Ellis makes a paperweight out of his blood, because it will last longer. No. No, Wilson. No. He wants to be inside his hot chick without having to be inside his hot chick. And it would take a really awesome picture. Tully suggests that Ellis make a blood snow globe instead, but Ellis would have to dilute the water to see whatever is inside and that is lame as hell. Tully wants to know how Ellis plans on getting a good quantity of blood out of himself in order to make the blood-cubes and it seems like Ellis just wants to shove a hypodermic into his veins and suck it out. Like a man. And no, Will, he won’t be shooting bubbles of air into his veins so that he dies of an air embolism. smh. Will comments that the Red Cross won’t take blood from gay people and thinks it’s kind of weird, but they’ve always been that way, and Tully kind of backs that decision. It’s probably not because the Red Cross hates gay people, and has more to do with the fact that homosexuals, unfortunately, run a statistically higher risk of contracting some very unkind diseases that people don’t want in their donated blood (or at least those were the statistics at the time the Red Cross made this policy, I’m not really sure if they have changed). For the record, the Red Cross won’t take blood from a lot of different kinds of people- people who recently traveled out of the country, people who have been pierced or tattooed within the past year, and people who smell funny. I may have made that last one up.

Tully received his Faction Board of Directors survey in his email this morning, and like a good listener (who doesn’t listen), he filled it out and pressed the send button. Will informs him that the survey he received this morning is just a phase one survey and that there will be a more in depth one to come, which will also include questions about TJES. Apparently Will thinks there are some things about the show that should change (which he won’t tell us on air because he does not want to taint our weak minds) and he thinks that there are some things that we listeners may want to change as well, feedback is a good thing, yadda yadda. I’m really not going to go into the ensuing conversation because it was a re-hashing of something I re-capped either last week or the week before (not entirely sure…I just know I was sitting outside the house of someone’s whose pipes had burst that we were trying to fix and waiting for backup from a frenchman while I was listening to it) and if you wanna know what Ellis, Tully, and Will’s stances are on the whole Faction Board of Directors/what’s being played on Faction issue you can go read that. You’re welcome. Thank you.

Back from the first break Kenda Perez is on the phone waiting to talk some more MMA news. Ellis thinks that Kenda is awesome because she is super hot and she laughs at his joke, and a man feels good when a hot lady laughs at his jokes. She was watching the fights in Georgia last night in person, like someone dedicated to their job would do, and she didn’t notice that Romero had pooped his pants while she was watching the fight, but her BFF texted her about it real-time, and she said that everyone in the crowd knew about it and was talking about it. Apparently, the locker room was not smelling so nice following the fight, someone thought that someone had vomitted, and yeah…he’s not getting away from the fact that he shit his pants. They talked some more about the fights, and every fought good, and I have a really hard time paying attention to MMA news because I enjoy MMA but I don’t know anyone’s name, I just know they punch each other in the face and bleed a lot. Romero punched his opponent in the dick and was all ‘hahaha’ about it, and Kenda thinks that he punched Bronson because he shit himself…which makes sense to no one but the lovely Kenda herself. Tully summed up an MMA match quite well astonishing both Ellis and Kenda who talked about taking a break and getting a drink and letting Tully keep on talking about MMA news since he did such a good job and I don’t know what he said cause Hubbs’ started talking to me about something. I don’t remember what Hubbs said at this point either, if that makes you feel any better. Before Kenda gets off the phone she mentions that she is back home in Newport Beach (thank God because it was cold as fuck in Georgia) and is in her bikini bottoms and a Nirvana tank top because she is going to hang up and then go sit by the pool. She asks Ellis for some shirts so she can make them look sexy and represent poolside. I made a joke to Hubbs that she was just going to sit by the pool because she’s a girl and God forbid she actually goes in the water and messes up her hair, or makeup, or whatever…and I can say that because I am a girl.

Ellis has changed his mind about poetry being lame because poetry is an art form (however douchey it may be) and it takes passion….so all of you poets out there are now in the clear so far as Ellis is concerned. This somehow morphs into Tully and Ellis discussing which sports are actually sports and which sports are games, or skills, or activities, or what have you. Tully’s rule of thumb for sport classification is that sports need to have sustained cardio to be considered real sports. Baseball doesn’t make the cut for him, but Ellis disagrees. Football is a sport- along with running, swimming, MMA, Sumo Wrestling, and porn. Will asks whether spear-chucking is a sport (aka the Javelin Throw) and Ellis and Tully call him out for his racist comment. Will splutters that he wasn’t being racist and that he is very sensitive to racist comments…when he isn’t spewing them. Hubbs had to explain to me why ‘spear-chucking’ is a racist comment to say…and I say that, because of that, I am the least racist person in this room right now. So…I beat the puppy…because Joe is in the shower. Ping Pong may or may not be a sport, paintball is definitely not a sport, and everybody knows that curling is not. a. fucking. sport. Duh.

Tully tells us that somewhere in Arizona a mother was walking around with her toddler when her toddler toddled across the cover for a septic tank which then buckled under the extreme weight of said toddler, and the baby fell in to poopie soup. While the mommy was standing there screaming “My baby! My baby!” A good samaritan didn’t stop to think before shedding his shoes and jumping in after the toddler. The man successfully rescued the fallen toddler with the help of a couple other good sams. who showed up, and the blue faced baby who had been under for several minutes was successfully resuscitated at the seen by one of the helpful passers-by who didn’t just pass by. The initial good samaritan had been released from prison only two weeks earlier and has definitely made a good start on his journey to turn his life around. It’s always good to save a baby.

Mike Dolce is in the studio today to talk to Ellis about ways to be less fat :D and he is Mega in the UFC game. He is the one that all the winners turn to when they want to be winners and cut weight- the right way. Mike Dolce- developer of the Dolce Diet (go figure)- tells Ellis that instead of eating fistfuls of candy at night he should eat some frozen red grapes to satisfy his late night sugar cravings. And why does Ellis crave sugar so hard at night? Because sugar is fuel and is brain fuel and after a long day of talking on the radio and not eating so good in the middle of the day, he needs to satisfy his brain’s need for fuel. Boom. Now Ellis has a good alternative to crunching malted milk balls that won’t wake Katie up in the middle of the night. Dolce next tackles Tully’s lunch and gives him a hi five for his salmon, but says that it’s all down hill from there since he is eating it with bleached flour pasta. Tully only eats white pasta because that’s what Italians eat and there sure as hell isn’t wheat pasta being home made by people in Italy. And Diet Coke is poison. There are four books by Mike Dolce on fitness and dieting, and if you want to get into a good exercise routine you should visit UFCFit.com and get the workout DVDs which are great for people who have been living the sedentary lifestyle for 6 months to 2 years. Dolce says that the key to being more healthy is to hold yourself accountable, to set reasonable goals, eat based on your hunger and activity levels, eat to feel satisfied- not ‘full’, and to plan on being 1% better today than you were yesterday. When asked by Tully what food choices may have made Romero shit his pants during a fight Dolce replies, “I don’t know, it wasn’t me!” Which made me laugh for a solid five minutes.

Back from the break Tully informs us that the man who was a victim of anal probing thanks to police has reached a financial settlement of 1.6 million dollars. Ellis thinks that the police who subjected him to this anal horror should be anal raped for two straight days in penance, but we all know that isn’t going to happen. Tully states that no one has ever been able to sufficiently explain to him why the old ‘eye for an eye’ policy just won’t work. I think Ghandi had some words about Hammurabi’s Famous Code, although I don’t think that’s really the best explanation either. Ellis hopes that the man doesn’t have to pay taxes on his settlement, and Tully asks that if someone well versed in law, like a lawyer, is listening if they can call the show and let everyone know about that. A lawyer does not call…or maybe one does and can’t get through because no one is answering the phones. Will says that it’s his fault, but Ellis and Tully give him shit for it because the phones were being answered more often when there was one intern and now there are two producers. Ellis and Tully want to have a superbike race and Will thinks that’s a bad idea and that he is ‘that creepy guy’ at the mall. But he probably isn’t. Tully breaks the news that the Philly police have arrested the Swiss Cheese Masturbator, and let’s us know that this isn’t the first time that he has been arrested for dairy related sex crimes. Apparently in 2009 he was arrested for propositioning a woman on the street with 20 bucks to rub a brick of cheese on his Johnson. As the show winds down they talk about going to Vegas and the AVN’s, take calls from final callers who still don’t understand how phones work, and try to persuade Will to accompany them to Vegas.

What we learned on the show today:

Shit happens

If you’re going to shit yourself under pressure- the place to do it is the Olympics

Phil is the guy from Mattel who sent all the toys….good job Phil!!

SiriusXM Canada subscribers should take their issues to President Sasquatch

Ellis had his liver lacerated from being kicked in the liver

The Awesome Guide to Being Awesome is out on 2/18/2014…go to Amazon.com and pre-order your copy today!!!

Ellis is excited about Moto. Tully still isn’t

Tully likes when Little Dude watches sports with him

Paintball-not a sport “My leg is orange…I’m not going to make it…go on without me”

It’s funny to get kicked in the face by a baby

The Dolce Diet has been proven to be the most successful way to cut weight

Ellis did the Dolce Diet and felt secure enough to take his shirt off

If you’re hungry at night eat frozen red grapes, smoothies, or raw nuts

College food is Prison food. Really.

Yoel Romero is a 36 year old muscle on a diet of death, murder, and babies

Never stand up and bang with a nugget

Ellis was really gassed out for his EM9 fight, but everything that went wrong made it that much better overall (because Ellisfam is amazing)

Mike Dolce is a great human being bringing men everyone great asses on women

Cumtard says passing a kidney stone is the male equivalent to giving birth

All the guys are bringing to Vegas is a bag full of pills and a block of Finlandia

New Shock-Taco-Cumtard-Vomit Video on Ellismania.com

Guys with tattoos like Ellis laugh at ‘guys with tattoos’ like Cumtard

A caller will get mad TJES if he’s willing to shit himself in a restaurant

A blacksmith is less gay in a sweet leather vest (according to Cumtard the Cumtardian)

Will is hustling to the store to get some swiss cheese before shuffling out to vegas

Ellis will be at the Hard Rock in Vegas tomorrow, naked, covered in Viagra tongue melt strips…if you’re interested

Go pre-order Ellis’s new book on Amazon

Go get Jude’s book Hyena while you are at it

Visit PatriotGuard.org

Sign up for Ellismania.com

 

Dan- you have been served…and I’m a fucking amateur ’round these here parts

*drops the mike…walks offstage*

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

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I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

  •  a copper meditation pyramid for $55
  • a claw predator ring for $125
  • a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
  • a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
  • a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
  • a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
  • a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
  • an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
  • a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
  • a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
  • a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
  • a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
  • a jar of human toenails for $25
  • a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
  • a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
  • a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo

 

 

 

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/30/2013

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It’s just a Wednesday, and I was on a conference call for the first couple of minutes of the show but I gathered there were some sort of poo smell that very well could be Donald Schultz droppings. That dude spends so much time with animals he is assimilating into their way of life, the nasty, racist bastard. Ellis wants to do a show for the oil miners of Canada. That could be a D!D!D! concert, a live show at a strip club or a presidential-style bus tour. They eventually decided a D!D!D! live show at a strip club so that you’d have something else to look at besides some sweaty dudes, unless you’re gay, then get front row and grab some package.  I’d personally love to see Jason kissing all of those mud babies for photo-ops.

Kangaroos have 3 vaginas and no you cannot fuck them because male kangaroos have very mobile testicles that sit on top of the penis and you can’t compete with that. Zoos are sad, or awesome depending on who you ask. Tully and Jason say that Zoos are better for the animals so they don’t have to worry about getting eaten or hunting every day. Also, if you don’t have an elephant in your zoo, it’s not a zoo, you are an animal hoarder and kinda creepy you sick bastard. Rawdog, of course, took the opposition saying kids tease and bully the animals in the cages. Guess what? Rawdog is wrong, and some guy who works at a zoo called in and verbally gaped him saying he could teach an elephant to ride a bike faster than Rawdog. However if you see a sad monkey in the zoo you are legally obligated to either give him a handjob through the bars or kidnap him and see how far you can get before he rips your arms off.

Please sir, just touch it.

Rawdog went on a second date with nerdy chick, so apparently the restraining order hasn’t been approved yet. He’s into her, but he’s not so sure how she feels, but she very well could be thinking the same thing. They didn’t kiss, but on the next date Rawdog’s going to pull the old “Drop my keys and jam my fist up your snatch” routine, which works 100% of the time. If you do it right, you can pull every bit of air out of her body at once and she will fall in love on the spot. Heed my warning though, if she tells you she had a premonition about you throwing a 12-6 into her box before you did it, leave her ass because that bitch is a moron.

gangnam

Also relevant

Also relevant

Next up, it was Cumtard vs. Ellis in a no holds barred, extreme quiz show battle: Super Bowl edition! It consisted of exactly one question: Name a team that is in the Super Bowl this year. This went on for a half an hour, where we found out that Peyton Manning plays for the New Jersey Giants, Chicago has no football team and a fat black guy with corn rows played for the Niners. All in all, it was pretty damned entertaining listening to how little each of them knew about football, and Kevin got punched a lot so there was that.

Some chick in Russia is getting married to a tattoo artist she has known for a month and he is tattooing his When your Mom asked if I would tattoo my name on her face I just stabbed her cheeks with your Dad’s micro dick a thousand times. You shouldn’t take deer antler extract after a workout, take Vermax for your dick instead! Some British nursing home is getting in trouble for bringing in prostitutes to bang the old people. I say it’s way better than letting the old people bang each other and spreading syphillis and WW2-era herpes around.And it saves tons of money on all the vaseline they have to use trying to prevent that loose skin from tangling up in each others. In fact, go get your grandmother a prostitute right now you heartless prick!

old lady

Say, has anyone ever told you pornstars like to be choked and get fucked real hard? Well if you hadn’t heard the news, Mia Isabella and Nikki Delano came in for the last hour and a half of show to tell you about it. I sort of drifted in and out, but in between talking about getting pounded on camera by bodybuilders or some shit, they played a game where Kevin got his box fisted! This was actually a pretty funny bit, where Cumtard was blindfoled and the two girls had to reach into the box his genitals were in give him a little tug  to see which hand he liked better. Mia pulled out some helicopter action and he giggled like a Japanese girl on a Harley. In the end, he picked Mia as the best hand jiver (Ya don’t say) furthering the theory that Kevin is going to fall in love with a tranny and it’s going to be just like Sleepless in Seattle. Or Philadelphia.

Hollywood news would pretty much take us to final calls and basically all you need to know is: Frank Ocean beat up Chris Brown’s bodyguard, Rampage says he broke up with the UFC not the UFC breaking up with him (therefore winning, despite losing), Lindsay Lohan is a chain smoking drunken whore and some asshole NFL player hates gay people. That Tuiasasopo guy totally wanted to bang Manti Te’o for real though, but he shouldn’t have created a fake girl to tell him his feelings. He should have walked up to him at the Luau, wrapped a lei around his and Te’o’s neck and said “I totally want to be inside you, Bro.” That was pretty much the show, I’ll leave you with one piece of medical advice before I go: If you fart out of your dick every time you blow a load, that a’int normal, and you should be ashamed of yourself.