Tag Archives: Rawdog

Show re-cap for Thursday, 9/19/2013

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Welcome to Dogcenter with Rawdog and Tully, you are not that important because you are covered in shit. Ha. Ellis isn’t there because he was involved in a fender bender in his truck, but he’s okay, and he’s on his way to kick Josh out of his chair as soon as possible.

While we’re waiting, let’s have a discussion about religion and shit. It’s not the devil in the details, ladies and gentlemen, it’s the shit. Rawdog’s mom would prefer that he would give her Jewish grandchildren since he is religiously a lost cause but he still enjoys Latkas. Tully pipes in a few times about how he would rather have Thanksgiving…but…the last time that I checked being Jewish doesn’t make you un-American and therefore Thanksgiving is still around. But, whatevs, because allllll religions are one big joke and they are based on silly rules that a bunch of people made up a thousand years ago that barely make any sense. Except for that whole thing about not staying in the same house as a woman who is menstruating…that is just good old fashioned common sense made legitimate by saying it was passed down from God.

Holy Water is dirty. Like, really dirty. Not all that surprising considering that human beings are walking shit infested poop factories who won’t join in the fight to not be so disgusting by attempting to wash their hands competently. Yes, there is good bacteria that helps keep different things in and out of our bodies, but that’s an argument against bathing in Purell every 6 seconds- not a reason to forgo soap in the bathroom. Everybody poops, it’s a fact. There are books about it that we give to children and it’s something I personally painstakingly had to tell my stepson recently during potty training because he was deathly afraid of pooping for some reason. Everybody poops and then a staggering 80-90% of humanity then doesn’t wash their hands properly. And then we touch our faces every 7 seconds. I am so glad that OCD keeps me diligently burning the skin off of my hands while I scrub and I am practiced at not touching my face. Though it doesn’t really matter since the rest of the population doesn’t share my neurosis. Tully is rather enjoying his new-found awareness of increased face touching because his scruff is delightful.

So maybe we should work on a shit vaccine- what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Sprinkled in with this was talk of genetically modified foods, the goods and the bads of science interfering in nature, and we’re all taking antibiotics unwittingly because it’s in the meat we eat (yay bacon, boooo vegans). Also, Alter Boys Behaving Badly and stealing sacramental wine (or sacramental to be because no one is ballsy enough to steal Jesus’ blood) and vying for funeral positions so they can make 3 to 5 bucks- which is like 7 bucks in today’s currency.

Ellis arrives and regales listeners with the tale of his accident. Apparently traffic lights in LA go out all of the time and they put up dinky little stop signs that can’t be seen from larger vehicles. This resulted in a girl driving into the back of Ellis’ truck while he was en route to the skate park in Venice Beach with Katie and Tiger. But it’s all good, cause Ellis is in a good mood, no one got hurt, and everything is going to be okay because there is a Chronic Colonic on the way. He did, however, have to call AAA to tow him because his stock tires are under lugnut lock and key and the dealer never gave him a key. Bastards in Vegas just want all the keys to themselves. Ellis talks about how he wants to do more Daddy things, and he saw the Metallica Movie last night. Which was weird. The movie part. The concert footage was amaaaaazing. It’s the best ticket to see them that you could ever buy because the cameramen are so close you are right up James Hetfield’s ass. In. 3. D. Gabe Ruediger asked Ellis if he was okay, which is ironic as in a few weeks at Ellismania 9, they will be trying to kill each other in the ring. Unfortunately it seems there won’t be a newleywed fight, because I am too chicken to call into the show.

With Hollywood news comes news of famous people doing drugs, like Zac Efron partying it up his nose with Charlie Sheen (who calls bullshit and says it only happened once) because he’s sad his parents are trying to make sure he doesn’t completely fuck up his life and because he will always be ‘that kid from High School Musical’. Nick Carter is blaming his former party problem on Paris Hilton, and says he has permanent brain damage from too much Ecstacy, but I don’t know if anyone would really ever notice that. Jack Nicholson also admits to doing drugs since the 60s and I believe that no one is surprised about this (except for that whole castration fantasy thing…yikes). A lady in the Hamptons woke up in the middle of the night to find Alicia Keys partying in her kitchen, which is fine since apparently Alicia Keys is way cool and I should head to the Hamptons and try to chill with her. The Expendables 3 will see back most of our favorites from the prior 2 movies, has added some new blood, and is in talks with Frasier for a role. Yes, Frasier aka Kelsey Grammer, may be an Expendable. Patrick Dempsey is a race car driver, who really sucks at race car driving, but if that’s his bliss then be happy you were Dr. McDreamy and you have the money to pay for your hobby. And Kanye West…where did you even come up with the idea of needing a carpet in your dressing room ironed? Really?!?!?!?!? Do carpets get wrinkly? Or do you like to take off your shoes and have warm toes? Please get over yourself for fuck’s sake.

This weekend Ellis is going to be back in New York to see the Metallica Show at the Apollo. He’s coming with Katie and it’s their anniversary weekend (aw) but feel free to approach him if you’re a fan of the show because he’s down to hang and will probably not punch you and you have up to 4 chances to take a decent picture with him. After Ellismania he will be touching down in Panama to the sounds of Panama, no matter how much he has to fight with the stewardess and the locals about it. It sounds like a nifty vacation and hopefully he will be celebrating an Ellismania win due to his hard training and not due to him having a thicker face than Gabe.

We have an exciting guest today!!!!! Or not. It’s just Will. He’s back from following Pink Floyd around and it’s time to play ‘let’s fix the phones on the air because that’s the only time we can do it’. It’s a fun game. Meanwhile The Fucking Animal Will Pendarvis Butt Judge tells us how he doesn’t want to go backstage- he wants to be in the moment and truly enjoy seeing flying pigs and planes crashing into the stage without seeing how it works. There will always be something to complain about on the show, despite everything being in the process of getting fixed, because one day…one day there will not be marshmallows for the lattes. It’s a damn hard cruel world that they are operating in, overlooking the Hills of Beverly in mood lighting with liberty and James Hetfield for all.

And then, an actual guest, even if only for a moment. And I missed his name like 8 times in a row…so insert that guy’s name here. He is the real and true King of the West on the radio and is going to be getting in the SiriusXM game. He is the ruler of the LA based on bumper stickers alone, a self-made man former illegal immigrant who wears t-shirts once and then throws them away (or maybe donates them…he seems like a good guy…he can donate them) and hosts a Spanish Speaking radio show that is a big deal. Bigger than Stern, bigger than Ellis, but in Spanish- so it’s cool. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog are all excited to meet him and are looking forward to working together and becoming buds.

Speaking of bud…ohhhhhhh segue skills…they’re wrapping up the show practicing techniques for the Chronic Colonic which will be taking place tomorrow. Rawdog is on the chopping block to be the lucky man who gets to reverse feltch Kevin Craft, and watch out for the rage if he gets weed smoke farted in his face. Because that’s his trigger, Tully need not wonder or search. Tully will be shopping for supplies because they decided that, along with the baster, they are going to need some tubing. Tully has probably already been to Walgreens for the $13.99 douche enema water bottle kit and balloon that will be the solution to any problem they have thought of. And duct tape. Duct tape can do anything.

Things we learned:

Rawdog is going to be releasing a solo album which he is playing coy about until after the new release from Death!Death!Die!

Shit is the key to the holiness of all religion and the winner is…Indian Hinduism and the Ganges

Rawdog and Tully cannot work the phones

When you’re 70, you’ll be having the same conversations you had at 50 and you won’t know it, and you won’t remember this either, so you’ll be fine about it

SiriusXM wants to be more involved in Ellismania because…FUCK YEAH!!!!

Fleetwood Mac is the greatest live performing band of all time

Homework sucks

Alcohol withdrawal will kill you…most other drugs are only as dangerous as their paraphernalia (in the long term…don’t do drugs…drugs are bad)

Randy Coutoure is an actor

Australian Hooligans wear pink sunglasses with pink tank tops and will kick your ass if you make fun of them at Cricket Matches (aka Everybody Let’s Get Wrecked Matches)

The girls at Cosmo should probably consider not masturbating in public while eating Gyros

The Egyptians make really good cotton

You can get Ellis to pee on a custom made $20,000 vagina couch for the extra low price of $4,000

 

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/16/2013

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cyanide_wrecking_ball

Frank’s dream is to re-make Miley’s Wrecking Ball video.

It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Time to wipe the shit off your lower lip and act like an adult in front your peers. It’s also time to pretend all those things you did on the weekend never actually happened. Wilson is still traveling that stinky shithole we all couldn’t wait to leave, going to Pink Floyd concerts, and getting terrible haircuts. Dingo is here though, he also left a stinky shithole, but he has lovely locks. Frank DeCaro came on the show right from the start, he has no hair, and I don’t think he has any plans to leave his husband’s stinky shithole. HEYOH! Frank has lost a child. In weight, not an actual child. He also went to Alaska and walked and stuff because he’s feeling more energized after dropping 30 pounds of homogenized fat. Ellis told Frank he’d send a boner picture to him if he lost another 30 pounds, Frank upped the bet by saying 40 pounds if there’s a tiny dribble of pre-cum on tip. I felt dirty and used just typing that. Dingo’s footsie coach in school said if you laid back and couldn’t see your pubes, you were overweight. This led the guys to think Dingo’s coach should likely be in jail, but he’s not. He’s still out there talking about pubes to young boys and his scientific method of measuring if you’re overweight or not. Speaking of pubes, Frank asked if Ellis had grown back his red pubes yet, Dingo quickly answered for Ellis – so what today must have been spa day for the two.

rawdog_astronaut

Rawdog at space camp.

Ellis is not a whale, but if he was a whale, he’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal his children from him. He also talked to Slash this morning and might have convinced him to come on the show again. Rawdog went to another hockey game with his girlfriend and they left about halfway through to meet up with his dad who was there covering the Emmy’s or some shit. Dingo made it sound like he was there watching them fuck in the crowd, but no. It was nothing like that. Everyone except Dingo thought the Mayweather vs Alvaraz fight sucked and El Diablo Blanco lost that fight, so who cares about the fight or what celebrities attended it. There was a shitload of talk about Justin Bieber because he was at the fight, but I completely blanked, I’m Bieber’d out. People died today after at least 1 gunman shot 11 other people at the Washington Navy Yard. There could be another gunman at large, deets are sketch, yo. So yeah, that sucks. Crazy shithouse people and their crazy asshole ways make for a crazy fuckhole of a world for the rest of us. Dingo has the Swiss Franc symbol tattooed on his arm for no apparent good reason other than his friend did it. Tully’s wife it totally dude friendly, they spent the weekend watching The Expendables 2, watching the Mayweather fight, and watching the Packer’s game – all of which was her idea. Apparently there’s a news story going around about Donald Schultz being charged with allegedly & illegally selling lizards.

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Too much Bieber gives me a headache.

A little bit of dream talk. Dingo has dreamed a lot about having his teeth fall out and apparently that’s a pretty common dream, along with punching or running in slow motion in your dreams. Rawdog has dreamed a lot about falling and he wakes up just before he hits, like most children have dreamed. Tully recently dreamed about Justin Bieber and how they were old friends and they just wanted to get away from the crowds and go get a drink together, which should tell you something about Tully and scare the fuck out of you. And Ellis recently dreamed about his dad’s pale, dead body being wrapped in a sheet and in bed next to him. This lead into another fucking round of Justin Bieber talk. What. The. Fuck. I zoned out again because fuck that kid for being the topic of discussion not only once, but twice in an hour and half on the show I love. Thankfully the show went into break and stopped the Bieber shit.

psa_get_that_money

A PSA should you have a need to collect your $1 million you won from a dice game.

We came from break with Hollywood news and I shit you not. And if I hear anything about Bieber, I’m going to make you all pay by scraping the recap and talking only about the potential presence of ancient aliens and Stonehenge. Some dude at a Beyoncé show pulled her off stage and into the crowd, she didn’t even give a rats ass. Ellis thinks Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive, Rawdog thinks Kanye is, and Dingo flipped the fuck out over the Beyoncé stance as he thinks Lady Gaga is the best, and Tully had to preemptively hush Dingo after he tried to hush him. So who is the greatest entertainer? I don’t fuckin’ know man, what the hell kind of loaded question is that? Carlos Santana crashed into a parked car in Las Vegas and he wasn’t even drunk, so it must have been a black magic woman. Hulk Hogan was in an accident, on a boat, and he had a boo-boo with some blood. Jaden Smith went on an anti-education tirade on Twitter, and clearly his 15-year-old ass smarter than everyone else’s so Stephen Hawking can suck it, man. P Diddy lost 1 million green backs to Rick Ross in a game of dice and he don’t give a shit about it, so suck his dick, bitch. Some chick born in America and is of Indian descent (dot, not feather) chick won the Miss America title and people are getting their white people underwear in a knot about it because they’re racist as fuck. Also, don’t read anything into that “dot, not feather” thing above, that was meant as a joke – you honky-ass cracker. HEYOH!

scary_kids_clown

Kids? Sure! Love ’em! Taste great & less filling!

Rawdog is starting to make some changes to get in shape for his fight with Nick Swardson. What has he been doing to train? Lifting kettle bells again, cutting out a nugget or two from his diet, and forcing a green drink down every so often. Ellis has been provoking both Nick and Rawdog, so now Nick is looking to have Rampage or David Spade corner for him at EllisMania 9. This brought us to only second break in three hours because there’s too much show! This also brought me to mere minutes away from my gloriously shitty drive home in traffic, look at me go! No where. Insanely slow. Coming back, we had some clown news. First up, there are photos of a dude in Northampton freaking out people with his creepy clown behavior and nobody knows what the fuck is up his clown antics. Next up, you can hire a creepy clown to stalk and terrorize your children by sending them threatening texts and shit, what could possibly go wrong? And lastly, apparently the classic clown was a parody of the stereotypical Irish immigrants with big red noses and shitty clothes. Take that, ya drunken lushes! Only 3 breaks were taken today, showing that there sometimes truly is too much show and also showing how good the guys are. That’s a lot of radio without a break and isn’t easy to do. So shout out to the fellas for being sick cunts! I tried to call in as Jesus, stoked because he was the 47th caller. It turned out like shit, my phone kept cutting out, people couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear them. So sorry about that! But as The Lord, I’ma let you in on a little secret… How do I know the apostles were Mexican? There were twelve and they all traveled around in one accord. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/9/2013

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jcpenney

Said nobody ever, except Dingo.

Welcome to another Monday, another Monday in the Swinghouse studios. Waddup with that, you ask? Well, it’s not ready yet. Hopefully it’s the last show in the old shit kitchen. Dingo’s here today and he don’t know shit about the new shit, new boss shit, and shit. Dingo and Ellis may go to the spa together, but they don’t take showers together, at least at the spa – because that’d be awkward. What exactly does Dingo do? He markets himself and markets shit, endorses himself and endorses shit, he talks about shit, and just does shit and stuff. He also seems to know way too much about JCPenney, I don’t know why or how, but there ya go – JCPenney connoisseur, Dingo! This of course leads us into shelf space and shoe technology, which you guessed it, Dingo straight up fucking rules that shit and schooled us on why action sports apparel is saturated by big brands like Nike, and of course, shit. Bellator 98 was this past weekend and the big news from that was, Perry “Filthy” Filkins grabbed his nipples several times. That’s a power intimidation move if I’ve ever heard of one.

dj_bruce_lee

EM9 special guest DJ, Bruce Lee. But not really. He’s dead.

EllisMania 9 is selling like hotcakes, faster than any EllisMania before. This sparked up talk about for sure going for an EllisMania 10. So now there’s more room deals (50 more rooms for 50% off) and shit, and someone or maybe multiple someones will be winning a room and some other shit. Speaking of EllisMania 9, Ellis has pretty much worked out all the fights for the event, so that’s pretty much in the bag, for the most part. Except for a fight or two, and shit. Is Nick Swardson training for his fight with Rawdog? Ellis called to find out and sure as shit, he is. And by training, I mean staying out late, sleeping in, drinking, and doing blow. There’s talk about the winners of EllisMania 9 getting a pimp cup and Dingo getting a golden straw. Not for cocaine, but so he can go up to the winners and steal a swig or two from their pimp cup. In an odd sort of way, Rawdog is the highlight of EllisMania and people are expecting to see him give his best performance, otherwise the entire world is going to stone him to death with used wet wipes. Dingo’s cheese officially slid off his cracker, he thought Tully participated in a fight at EllisMania that never happened. He also thought this was EllisMania 10, not 9, even though it’s been talked about several times today alone. Bad news for Wolfwipes, not everyone is down with using wipes on their balloon knot. Washington DC utility officials say wet wipes have caused a 35% increase in broken shit pumps. But good news for Wolfwipes if they come with a diaper genie.

that_kid_is_like_six

Jesus, Jesus!

In the state of Iowa, if you are legally blind, you are now able to carry a fucking gun like the blind-ass motherfucker you are. Even Stevie Wonder was like, seriously? That’s insane. It’s okay, it’s not like blind people are reading this anyway. Could you imagine for a screen reader to get done blabbing all the previous shit? Not happening. Wilson came in with Ellis Jeopardy for the guys to play. Last time they played, Tully won but they gave it to somebody else because Tully always wins. And who won today’s episode of Ellis Jeopardy? It should come as no surprise, Michael Tully! Some We met a new intern today, Lynette (sp?) and she’s a poor, pretty white girl. Like Dingo, she don’t know shit about the show, wrestling, or shit – but she does know about Bean as she interned for that turd before – and shit. Like all women, she loves Dingo’s luscious locks and Josh is not allowed to fall in love with her. Sounds like she’s got the chops, kid. One day, she’s gonna be a STAR! In porn. Online. For NYA. OH! Just kidding Lynette. What am I saying? You’re not reading this. Hey, did you hear some old artist got the shit beat out of him over his art? What was his art you ask? A fake gun. With penis bullets. But it shot blanks. In your face. Are you catching any of this? Cuz I’m laying it on pretty fucking thick here. Why did God create yeast infections? So women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. Wait. I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to end this re-cap with that. Give me another chance. Come on baby, you can trust me! Do you wanna know how you kill fifty flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel. Sorry Ethiopians. HEYOH!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/27/2013

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you-are-what-you-eat

Tim has real life problems.

It’s Tuesday with Tim! Today is also New Tim Tuesday, but we’ll get to that later, I’m sure of it. It’s a beautiful day today Tims! Ellis’ heart jumped out of his butt twice yesterday, but he just wants to see his kids grow up. He also doesn’t eat cheese that much. Ellis also thinks he’ll never stop going to therapy, because he has to keep opening doors like Early Grayce in Kalifornia. And it’s psychosomatic because you can tell yourself you’re gonna fucking turd your pants and viola, you fucking turd your pants. You can give yourself panic attacks or you can make yourself sick, or you can make yourself better, it’s all in attitude. And an attitude of gratitude is not just a platitude. Ellis got hooked up at the A7X concert last night, he saw Tim Cobb and his new girlfriend and then seen the Tim brothers, and a bunch of other famous Tims. One thing that Ellis and Tully share? They both have had a song with guy, just them, another man, and a song. Tully got a little choked up after his wife and son left him. To go to a funeral in Japan, I mean. She’s coming back though, so it’s all good. But as a father, Tim can totally understand. First you think, “kick ass, freedom!” and then you think “shit, whose gonna help me take care of this ankle biter?” Whose the best rap/rock band that isn’t Rage Against the Machine? Fuck if I know, I was asking you.

shit-shit-shit

This man found out what happens when you sit on Tim’s toilet.

Some dude intentionally ate a fucking toe, it’s called a “sourtoe” or some shit and it’s in a shot of whiskey. And that, boys and girls is where we get the phrase “toe up from the floor up.” Actually, that’s probably not true, come to think of it, I’m certain it’s not true. Everlast is in the studio and he has a new album out today and you don’t, but Tim does. For New Tim Tuesday, we first heard Everlast’s “Sad Girl”, named after a Mexican chick from the movie American Me. We got to hear about how Everlast can be angry person at times, but most of the time, he’s chill like Tim. Rawdog got railed on by the guys and callers to the show about how his Prius sucks and he’s not doing shit for the environment with it, and that he’s no where near as friendly to the environment than your average Canadian. And all I got to say about that is the average Canadian isn’t 1/10th of your average Tim, but they already know that because they buy Tim’s coffee as atonement.

smoking_child_male

When Tim smokes, cigarettes get cancer.

A new restaurant has opened up called Hospitalis, everything is served by nurses, food looks like tongues and shit, and you have the option to be tied up in a straight jacket fed by a nurse. I have no idea who this is supposed to appeal to, but hey, maybe that’s just me and Tims across the world. Appropriately enough, while we’re being told this story, Grant Cobb is finishing tattooing Ellis’ head. While the tattoo gun is buzzing along in the background, the guys started quizzing Ellis to see if he could answer anything while getting his head ink. More New Tim Tuesday, Avenged Sevenfold’s new album is out today as well, it’s called “Hail to the Tim” and we heard portions of 3 different tracks and then M. Shadows called in to ask why Ellis and his boys didn’t come and hang after the show last night. Goodie Mob and Bob Dylan had shit come out today as did Eminem, but it wasn’t anything to Tim about so fuck it. There were some more tools that had their shitty shit come out too, but I can’t remember who or what they were so you’re just going to have to let that portion of your life go for good. Tim say’s he’s sorry about that. Grant will be collaborating with Ellis on an EllisMania 9 t-shirt, so they kicked around some ideas, none of which included Tim. Now, a question for you. Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Good. Because he’s back in town and wants your number. TIM!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/26/2013

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bubble_pipe

Get your thinking cap on, today’s full of thoughts!

It’s Monday, and god damn it, my name is not Tim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But hey, listen. I mean, read. Fuck it, listen and read at the same time. Ever try that? It’s pretty hard to do and comprehend what you’re reading while you’re listening. Seriously. David Blaine tried that shit once and that’s why he seems a little fucktarded in the dome. A better you than the you, you expected is always a pleasant surprise, it can be a bit confusing, but still. Ellis knows Ricky Carmichael (aka The GOAT), he spoke to him and everything. Why is The Offspring in your mom’s ass? We all know you can’t rely on a shit rope, that shit rope is gonna break, and speaking of which, Wilson is like the weatherman. Tully was at an Israeli wedding last night, and wrote down a quote from the groom’s drunken mother. She called her son her, “United Steak of America, I’m sorry, I’m hungry.” Tully recounted his ordeal Friday and his wife’s grandma. They did a short recap of what happened on Friday’s show for Tully, which included Almart. That quickly turned into cool places that get shit-kicked outta business by big chain stores. What does heaven look like to you? What picture would Jesus give you to help you interpret what heaven looks like? Rawdog? God sends him a picture of the Apple store, though he thinks Superman would greet him into The Justice League. Ellis? He wants pizza Jesus because he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, but he doesn’t mind pizza telling him what to do. Tully? He had some serious logic and it was kind of dark and depressing, fitting right in with the streak of evil that lives inside Tully.

come_to_me

Send in your videos, promise, it’ll be okay!

Prostitution has always been legal in Switzerland, did you know that? Did you know about Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, and Swatch watches? Good. Moving on then. In Zurich, there has been a problem with street walkers, so they built them their own little whore boxes to do their whore work in. Low and behold, Wilson will be going to Amsterdam and then Zurich – make of that what you will. We heard the rest of the t-shirt design winners and none of them included any of mine, so all you people are dead to me. Do you hear me? Dead to me (not Tim)! Ellis is still trying to convince Tera Patrick to box Sam Rubin, a drunk, trash talking, Sam Rubin.  Other potential fighters were discussed, such as @Shanwize1, whose fight last year won fight of the night awards. But if she wants to fight, it sounds like she’s going to have to do the leg work to find an opponent because @FaceplantLauren has a jacked up back. And there’s a lot of open spots still for fighters, so don’t be scurred and make a 3 minute video of you punching a bag, a pillow, the air, whatever and send it in to fightclub@ellismania.com.

tuna_cum_sandwich

What is it about the Richmond’s and eating cum?

Fucking MTV VMAs talk time, you knew it was going to happen, and now here it is – rearing it’s ugly head. Miley Cyrus’ ass was the hot topic for pretty much everyone across the globe. Who cares. What I found more interesting was that apparently Alan Thicke’s son (Robin) is someone with a varying degree of significance to stupid kids? I had no idea. I still don’t even know what he does or why, all I know is Alan played Jason Seaver in Growing Pains. Coolio is auctioning off his entire music catalog, which consists of 8 albums over 19 years, so he can raise the skrilla so he can… become a chef. That’s right, he wants to be line cook at Denny’s or some shit. Nobody told him the only reason “Cooking With Coolio” was semi-successful was because it was hilarious to see a rapper with a cook book? Surprise! Rawdog’s sister (Gabi) also wants to be a chef and she cook chicken and shit. I assume “shit” is slang for crack and that she’s giving up her gangster rap career to follow her dreams. Here’s to wishing you all the best, Gabi. Fat Joe is going to the slammer for not paying taxes on a million dollars of income. Not paying taxes is so fucking gangster. Did you know rich people get really good stuff as compared to poor people? Yeah, me too. Did you know Rawdog took everyone’s advice, shit on it, and then bought a Prius? He also thinks he could get $1k for his old BMW, so if you’re into shitty cars that smell like McNuggets, bust out that mason jar of change and it could be yours!

A bunch of college chicks in Australia took pictures of their vagina in an effort to curb the vaginal plastic surgery rage going on down under (HEYOH) and it pretty much backfired because (lips for days) people that saw (lots of hair) the photo were freaked out (defects), so much so (oh god) that the school (kill it with fire) wouldn’t run the ad in the school’s newspaper. This spawned a shitload of pussy talk from callers, and as you can imagine, it was incredible insightful and nobody made any jokes or derogatory remarks what-so-ever. Just remember, you came from one, so you better watch the lip (HEYOH) or things could get hairy (HEYOH) real quick. Reeking I mean speak of which, I remember one time I went to the doctors office, and while in the waiting room I spotted your mom. “Can I smell your pussy?” I asked. “No! How dare you!” she said. So I responded, “It must be your feet then.” OH!

so_happy_for_you

No, really. I mean it.