Show Recap for Thursday 5/22/2014

Rejoice!!! Pick your deity of choice (or just be thankful for good old fashioned scientific advancement) because Jason Ellis made it through surgery and is a force to be reckoned with, because, his heart got burned and he’s ready to rock and roll. Sort of. You know, post-surgery means he has to take it easy for a bit, but after that bit, he is all kinds of back in the game!!! Boom. Seriously…so happy that Ellis got through the surgery and was feeling well enough today that he could be on the radio. I mean, think about it, he had heart surgery the day before yesterday, and he went to work today. He is not a normal human being. He is a beast. He is a warrior. He is….Jason Ellis.

The show opened up with Ellis talking about how today, since he had nothing going on he went to go get a pedicure and found a cake store! Haha…one doesn’t really go with the other, but it was good that he found the cake store because he made some happy maneuvers with the people that work there and from now on Cake and Art because, yeah, Ellis is still basically the producer of his own show. Also on his Thursday morning walkabout he decided to go to the shoe store to get some new shoes because after surgery he is a little sore in the groin region and thought some new shoes would do him some good. While at the shoe store, talking to the shoe store guy, the reason behind why Ellis was buying new shoes came up and the guy at the shoe store was pretty impressed that Ellis was already up and out doing shit considering he had heart surgery THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Sorry for the caps, but it really blows my mind. I had a biopsy on my pancreas last year and I was out of work for like, four days, and now I feel like a major pussy. But talking to the shoe store guy made Ellis realize that he really is lucky to be alive, and thankful that he is alive, and being alive is awesome, and that makes today the Ultimate Good Day for him, because he is here living life and appreciating that he is here to live life. Ellis knows that there will be days where he loses sight of the appreciation he has for life, because shit happens, but hopefully he will always come around to remember that he really really really could have died, and that will lead to another Ultimate Good Day full of life-y appreciation. At this point Tully suggested that maybe Ellis should have heart surgery more often to keep this mindset around, and I don’t think that’s the best idea ever, but he was probably joking. Probably. Ellis talked about the whole shebang, about how on Easter Sunday when he had gotten up off of the couch to go get a drink and got so light headed that he dropped to his knee and sent his kids to go get Katie. He apparently had thought that he was having an anxiety attack and got a blowjob from her to try and help calm him down, and that’s a great cure for anxiety, but not so much for A-fib. He talked about being in the corridor with Katie right before the surgery and talking to her, and how the surgery room was like this super advanced room with computers like NASA and probably like Howard Stern’s studio  and he wore a hairnet, which was funny, and there was some dude there to shave his junk and so he made dick jokes, because what else are you gonna do at a time like that? Tully was surprised that Ellis had neglected to shave his own genitals, but Ellis explained that the thought didn’t even occur to him. He was thinking about his kids, thinking a whole lot of ‘this could be the last time I -fill in the blank-‘, and trying to focus on the fact that he was a warrior and he was going to make it out of the surgery with a gold star. Ellis described how they lowered a big plastic looking shield over him while he was on the bed and he realized that it was so that when blood started a-spurting out of him it wouldn’t get in the doctor’s eyes and it must have been scary to be on the wrong side of the sneeze guard. Yikes. But then the anesthesiologist gave him an IV that would help to relax him and just as he was getting nervous he fell into sleepy land and the next thing he knew he was awake. Ellis said he doesn’t really remember a lot about what happened after the surgery, but Katie did tell him that when he asked the nurse to unstick his balls from his legs, she went right ahead and did it, even though Katie had thought that he was joking about it. And that’s awesome. Ellis played the guys a video of the nurse removing his catheter, which Will SUPER did not want to see because it made him kinda squeamy, and Ellis’ first words after getting the catheter and balloon thing out were, “Well, that was special.” Tully said that the nurse should start a twitter account where all she does is tweet the things that patient’s say after getting a cath removed, and yeah, she should, because I would laugh at that all the day long. Ellis thought it was cool that after the cath came out he farted out of his dick and had frothy pee, and Tully seemed a little jealous, which lead to a couple minutes of them talking about farts and how it would be awesome if you could decide whether your fart would come out of your ass or your dick. For the record, they think that once they got used to that power it would be a 60/40 split in favor of the ass, but that’s still a fair amount of gas getting pushed out of their pee-holes. Ellis didn’t sleep well while he was in the hospital, but he slept for ten hours last night, which was awesome, and he was super happy to learn that he could have a cup of coffee every day and that in two weeks he can go back to the gym- with some restrictions. He is pumped that he can do a lot more than he thought he was going to be able to do a lot sooner, like sex, so long as Katie does all of the work for now.

On to other things, Ellis says that he basically has what he wants to happen in EM10 down in his head, which is super exciting news which I know we all have been waiting to hear for what feels like forever. It’s slated to happen in October, although he doesn’t know if it’s going to be at the Hard Rock in Vegas because he says they’ve backed off of him a bit, and he’s open to venues and wants EM10 to be the best ever. Tully says he’s been thinking some thoughts to discuss with Ellis off-air for Ellismania and he thinks that there are some simple ways to make it so that the behind the scenes disasters that occurred with EM9 don’t happen again ensuring that this year’s Ellismania will be truly effing amazing. Ellis wants to do a HateBean fight where two people fight for a minute and then, during the 30 second rest HatBean plays a song while the fighters are getting doused in Champagne and fake cocaine by Katie and Malice and are getting blue balled and fucked with and then fight for another minute for four rounds. Everyone is super excited over this idea, which is because, duh, it’s awesome, and Tully, Ellis, and Will talk about the fights to be in EM10 and the potential match-ups. Ellis declares that if Tyler Posey is truly serious about being a member of Death Death Die! then he basically has to fight in Ellismania. Ellis also wants to see Katie in a fight, maybe against Malice, and is trying to figure out how to get Sam Rubin punched in the face. It sounds like there are going to be Superheroes in the musical chair fight, and this year there will definitely be a piñata for the piñata fight- woo-hoo!!! Also, anyone who wants to be in the Biggest Loser Male or Female Fight, the deadline for videos showing you in your current state on the scale and all that gobbledeegook, send your videos or a link to your video on youtube to submittoellis@gmail.com, or you can’t be in it!!! Mike in Canada called the show because he really really wants to be in a fight, but Ellis thinks that at 230lbs that’s not a great idea because he could probably punch someone really hard and hurt them, and that’s not really what they want to see happen. Don’t worry Mike, that’s why Hubbs can’t fight at Ellismania ever, he would kill someone, so, you’re not alone.

Ellis got everyone presents from the new cake shop that he found and gave them to the guys on air. Will got a chocolate dick with balls, CumTard got a chocolate dick, Jetta got a White chocolate dick, and Tully received some chocolate titties. Ellis had the guys take pics with their dics to be put up on the twitter, and made CumTard deep throat his, which sounded like a lot of gagging for someone who was then declared an insult to blowjobs. Tully got to fulfill his lifelong wish of biting off a nipple, and that’s a wish that CumTard and Ellis found kind of weird, but Jetta seemed to get. Ouch. Ouch. I’m all for getting my nipples bitten and twisted and tortured…but I’d really be pissed and miss it a lot if one got bitten off. Relax, Tully, reign in your inner nipple gobbler.

Back from the first break Tully starts talking about how several other countries offer Women menstrual leave and some people are saying that the US should offer it too, but he never really gets through it because, Aubrey from Onnit is in the studio and he offers up the factoid that women in ancient Greece used to stuff horse dung up their twat when they were menstruating because damn it must have sucked to be alive before tampons were invented. Just saying. Ellis thinks that there should be menstrual leave for some women because some women go crazy and should just go home and come back when they are more useful. I kinda hate to break it to Ellis, but that’s not because they’re women on their period, that’s because they are just useless human beings. Coming from the perspective of me, a woman, I have really fucked up plumbing and my ‘time of the month’ involves pain worse than childbirth and I get through it. Boom. Harden The Fuck Up ladies, I’m just not buying it.

Aubrey is in the studio to talk about health and fitness and how to start your fitness journey, but first Ellis wants to talk about the whole Peruvian crazy sane making plants that made him see his Grandmother in heaven. Which is a really skewed view of the whole story, but that’s my nutshell. If you’ve been listening, or reading these wonderful recaps, you know that Ellis is interested in going down to Peru and participating in a ceremony that would help him conquer his fears and would potentially allow him to experience a higher plane where he could know that his brother is alright up in heaven (or whatever religion you subrscribe to’s happy after death place) and well, Aubrey is the person that brought Ellis around to this idea because he went to Peru. Apparently, ever since Aubrey was 18 and took schrooms in the desert and had a metaphysical type of experience, he has been on the path to…I forgot how he put it, and he really put it well, but I’ll say enlightenment. It’s not necessarily a religious enlightenment, but one that brings you closer to being more whole as a person and more okay in your own life with your own self, and yeah, it sounds like a bunch of hippy bullshit, but it’s really wonderful. So, he went down to Peru to this place run by Gandalf (aka Don Howard) where he participated in a ceremony which involved him taking Huachama (a DMT like drug derived from a Cactus) for three days with one day off between ingestions and going on treks through the jungle to conquer his fears. After that, he snorted Vilka from a 4000 year old bone off of a 4000 year old tray and tripped balls. But not really, he went back to his room blindfolded and felt himself burst through a jellyfish like matrix of light and color and come out finding himself in a peaceful and calm place with a hippopotamus man and a bunch of figures in hooded robes that didn’t want to talk to him. But his grandma was there, and he got to talk to her and see her and feel the love of her, and after that he came back into his body and…and he’s a better person for it. Aubrey said that your attitude going into it is really important and that you have to approach it with earnestness, and he really believes that Ellis would have a positive experience with it. He talks a lot about how he trusts it a lot because, along with doing more than adequate research, this is stuff that has been done for 4000 years, as opposed to drugs that come from pharmaceutical companies. Ellis is scared that he’ll have a panic attack, but Aubrey really thinks that he’ll be okay, because it’s an amazing experience and has helped so many people and has helped him personally. Ellis’ therapist doesn’t want him to do it, but he doesn’t really know anything about it, so that’s kind of like taking sex advice from a Sex Therapist who’s a virgin. The whole thing really taught Aubrey to continue moving toward his fears, which includes the fear of suffering (as he has had a couple relatives die slow, painful deaths) and fear of doing backflips on the trampoline. It was all really interesting. I’m not sure I’d ever do it, at least at this point in my life, but you never know what the future holds.

Now…onto the reason that Aubrey is in the studio and the reason he will be calling the show on Mondays for the foreseeable future- to dispense some wisdom on what I guess we could call ‘Your Personal Fitness Journey’ because, as we all know, Ellis wants what’s best for all of us, and that means we should all get healthy and follow Aubrey’s advice, because he’s a pretty smart dude. Aubrey says that Step One is figuring out where you want to be. He recommends sitting down and writing a mock journal entry with a date in the future written at the top and opening it with the line, “My life is as good as it could possibly be.” and then to continue the journal entry you should describe everything that you think that includes, sans material things. Think in terms of how you would want your body to feel, to look (realistically), your thoughts, things like that. For example, mine would probably begin something like, “My life is as good as it could possibly be. I woke up this morning with no aches and pains, and when I looked in the mirror I was simply in love with my body. I loved every curve, every bump, the smoothness of my skin, all of the positive and perceived negative. My body feels strong.” And it would go on. I’m actually planning on doing this exercise tomorrow, because I’m not one of those people who writes shit like that down, but it sounds really therapeutic. And I am working on being more fit and I’m also working on being more body positive- because I don’t feel as happy and comfortable with my body as I should. I know that objectively it is a beautiful body, but I’m working on really feeling that. So, yeah, kind of fits into my life right now. Step numero dos is to identify the resistance that is keeping you from getting you to that Journal Entry Ideal state and how to tackle them, and again, he’s talking more about internal resistance- the ‘it’s too late for me to start’ or ‘I’m not lucky’ mentality. There will always be external obstacles to overcome, but we shouldn’t let our own minds get in the way of us being happy. Boom. So, like I said, I’m going to be doing steps one and two tomorrow, and I encourage you guys to do the same, it’s like paid for but not paid for therapy.

Back from the break Sam Tripoli is in the studio!!! He has a new comedy album out on iTunes called ‘Believe in Yourself’ and it’s currently #2 after Jim Gaffagan, but before Louis CK, and Ellisfam, Big Daddy J has put out the call for us to make it number one, so go to iTunes and do what we do best. Sam, Ellis, and Tully talk a lot about comedy and traveling with comedy and how Sam is totally whipped by his girlfriend. Why is he whipped? Because he doesn’t want to talk about anything weird or sex-related all that much because after the last time he was on the show talking about being peed on by a Miley Cyrus stunt double (which he talked about again today) and getting robbed by the same hooker twice, his girlfriend yelled at him. Haha. Sam does tell Ellis that he is #1 on the comedy list in Canada (yay Canada) and they shake hands because Ellis knows how awesome it is that Canada gets it and they are both now part of the #1 in Canada team. Somehow they get onto the topic of roleplay and Ellis tells a short story about how before he had surgery he dressed up as Spiderman and picked up two pretend Hookers that he played hide and seek and then let’s fuck with. Tully apparently has never role-played before and said he’s too self-conscious to try with his wife (which I don’t really understand…isn’t she the one that you shouldn’t feel self-conscious around?) and Sam Tripoli drops the ‘I like for girls to call me the N-Bomb during sex’ bomb because…he’s gonna get in trouble with his girlfriend again. Hubbs and I have only role-played a couple of times, but it’s always fun, I do really good impressions of a couple of people and we laugh and fuck and…yeah…he’s the one person I could never feel self-conscious with. I want to have sex now. Ugh.

Sigh.

Back from the final break it’s time for a quick round of Helium Shock Collar Movie Review with CumFat…I mean, CumTard. Kevin is in the studio to suck in Helium and review the movie Godzilla with the added twist that Ellis, Tully, and Sam have a list of words that if Kevin says one, he gets shocked. Oh…and if he screams from being shocked…he get’s shocked again. I don’t remember all of the words, but they included Godzilla, monster, lizard, explosion, bomb, fire, San Francisco, US, Japan, radiation, Cranston, Breaking Bad, and Yes, and it was fucking Hilarious with a capital H on purpose. I thought Joe was gonna pee himself. He does this thing where when he laughs really hard he kicks or stomps his feet (so fucking adorable) and I heard a lot of foot stomping wiggliness from his side of the truck. When he’s getting shocked with the helium voice he sounds like an angry cartoon character, and it’s amazing. It made me really believe that he could do a voice for a cartoon character. Amazing. Sam really enjoyed watching and asking questions and said that CumTard was a champ. It’s such a good bit. Ellis said that CumTard is the best at being shocked, which is so true, but he also said that girls would be funny getting shocked but girls don’t want to get shocked. What the fuck girls is he trying to shock that don’t want to be shocked? Sign me up! Sounds like a blast!!! *raises hand, looks around hopefully*. No? No shocks for Jenni? Sad Jenni. Boohoo. It was right around here that Ellis got a text that made him say, “Oh shit, I gotta go,” but it wasn’t anything too dire, just something he needed to get handled and he was the one to handle it. And then the show ended. Lolz.

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s so cool that Doctors can fix the shit that breaks inside of you

Nuts are like pizza dough

Ellis will be off all pills in 2 to 3 months. Boom.

Ellis shaved his beard off because Katie decided she doesn’t like it

Nick Swardson is down to fight at EM10

Ellis thinks Tully would be Christian in a fight

Wilson wants THC to fight at EM10

Barley is a superfood that makes you super poo

Ellis is so thankful for all the well wishes he received from listeners

Ellis wants his kids to have a big, fat happy life

The self portraits are doing good on Ebay…auction over tomorrow!!

It’s not about Soulmates, it’s about partners in crime

Louisiana chicks are the greatest chicks ever

White chicks are insane

Koreans say the N’Bomb instead of ‘uhhhhh’

Miley Cyrus has donkey teeth and that’s kind of what makes her so hot

Sam Tripoli has seen Britney Spears’ hooha

Don’t Die.

 

So glad Big Daddy J is back!!!!

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

 

Show Re-cap for Friday 10/18/2013

It’s Friday and by now everybody that was at EM9 has full blown EMAIDS and the only cute is to drink copious amounts of alcohol this weekend. Speaking of being drunk and belligerent, [segway] Mel Gibson is the most understood person ever. He doesn’t “hate” the Jews, he just thinks they control all the money and are responsible for all the wars and that they killed Jesus. However his use of words like Heebs, oven dodgers, Jew boys, beanie heads, etc. doesn’t fare well. He does hate the Christian Church though, mainly because he’s simply bat shit crazy. Enough of that shit, on to more important issues, Jason’s ankles are swollen from EllisMania and Josh is having a hard time getting out of bed. That one chick that was supposed to be on yesterday from

she sings from the throat, deep, throat.

she sings from the throat, deep, throat.

IWasAWrestlingBearOnce was really nice and you should check her and her band out. Mike “The Potato Muncher” Tully is going to become an Irish citizen, a gift he got from his drunken soccer loving family. Ellis is going to Panama, Tully is going to Mexico, and Josh will be spending his vacation keeping guard over his girlfriends drink. With the birth of the latest addition of the Ellis clan Jason is now being pressured to go back to Australia but he’s not sure if he’s ready to go back yet.

Chrisann Brennan wrote a book about bobbin the knob of Steve Jobs. Hey that almost rhymed, I kick ass! Back to talking about Chrisann taking Jobs’s job. I guess they were really good at fucking each other and all that bullshit. Speaking of bullshit [segway] Will is

I'm pretending this apple is your carnival.

I’m pretending this apple is your carnival.

pissed because the TV isn’t working right and this is a professional radio show damnit! Then somehow the conversation turned to talking about kids and adopted kids and kids with fucked up junkie parents. It was hilarious. Not really but it’s Friday and I don’t give a fuck. Hey wanna know what’s cool? Mulan wants to scissor dance cookie wiggle with Sleeping Beauty. So hot. They then watched Rawdog’s fight for the first time and this was the best Josh has ever looked. It’s not saying much but it was an aggressive show of manliness and dick punches. Ellis is open to hearing arguments for having EllisMania somewhere other than Vegas. I’m not going to get into it because I’m incredibly biased on the subject.

Recent studies have shown that thongs are natures delivery system of eww from the

Still sexy, but gross. Damn doctors ruin everything good.

Still sexy, but gross. Damn doctors ruin everything good.

pooper to the cooter. ASAP Rocky slapped a hoe and she tried to have him arrested but she doesn’t know his address, sucks to be her. But more importantly thanks to the Airplane Ninja, TSA rules say that you can bring a one quart bag of three ounce liquids onto a plane which means, PAR-TAY!!!! A bunch of liars in the Himalayas got drunk and probably high and think they found Yeti bones. But thanks to science, it was just an ancient polar bear, too bad it was too dead to eat these fucktards. Some dude with a name I can’t pronounce cut a hole in a restaurant with a chainsaw after they kicked him out because they were closing and wouldn’t let him finish his chocolate pudding. Moral of the story, don’t fuck with a mans puddin. Ladies and Gentleman, good friend of the show, SLASH! [applause] Slash came in to talk about the movie he produced for the first time ever. He loved, he learned, he laughed, he cried, he said fuck this shit I’m out, and he made the best horror movie that he has ever made before! You should check it out. Wanna know more cool shit about Slash? Then you came to the right place. He snuck booze into the White House during the Clinton administration for a New Year’s Eve party. He also saw the Lakers in the airport. And his new movie is called Nothing Left To Fear. Now that you know everything there is to know about Slash let’s move on. They went over the list of horror movie villains and decided if they would be sketched out by them or not.
HorrorMovies
After a very late and well deserved break Katie joined the show so her and Tully can do their Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge. This is the final workout and by far the most difficult. Both of them completed the challenge with moans grunts and squeals only to be brought to a dead halt by Cheese, much like a night with yer mum, OH!

If your’e looking for something to do check out the Fuck Cancer charity ride in Las Vagas Nevada presented by Carey Hart and Hart & Huntington Tattoo!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/14/2013

It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

  • First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
  • Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
  • Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
  • Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
  • The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
  • Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
  • Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
  • The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
  • Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
  • Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
  • Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
  • Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
  • @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
  • Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
  • Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
  • Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
  • Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
  • Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
  • Katie made out with some chicks.
  • Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
  • Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
  • People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
  • I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
  • But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
  • I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
  • How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/7/2013

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With each visit, Sam Rubin is becoming more and more like Ed McMahon, but thinks he’s Johnny.

It’s Monday. So what. EllisMania 9 is the weekend. That’s what. God made a seem in your balls, it gives the illusion of 2 nice normal balls, even if you have 7 small balls. Chicks don’t really get how men don’t feel their balls moving around while walking, we’re just used to our balls. Katie and Andrea have become friends who talk to each other at soccer games, about how Ellis farts in his sleep. Ellis was on Loveline last night. Kardashian something or another. I don’t care. But why doesn’t Ellis get hired as a talk show host? He’ll even wear a wig, damn it! And the answer is, because God is a motherfucker. Ellis sparred a dude today who took his anger out on Ellis, but ended up apologizing for doing so. We heard some more audio from Ellis’ recent visit on KTLA, which ended up ushering in the first guest, fuckin Sam fuckin Rubin. He talked about how Ellis’ business manager plays Mahjong with Sam’s wife or some shit. Apparently Ellis’ business manager also managed Rick James, bitch. Sam also talked about how he’s starting to get a little concerned about his fight with Tera Patrick, which leaves me left wondering if he ever really sparred Bob Dylan or not. Funny enough, during the Kardashian discussion earlier, the guys were talking about how celebrities can’t host talk shows because they constantly end up steering the conversation back to be about themselves. And sure enough, that’s exactly what Sam kept doing at first, it always went back to be about him. I’m sure in life, he’s a real nice guy, he’s had Ellis on his show several times. I’m probably in the minority with my opinion of Sam, or maybe I’m just being a bitch, but he annoys me. Anyway, more power to him.

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I’m fantasizing about one of the MMA chicks kicking Sam in the nuts.

Shit. A story about Lindsay Lohan with Sam still in studio. Again, he says he’s “happy to open the door for Ellis to let him charge through”, name dropped some names, and took credit for giving the world Ryan Seacrest, among others. What a modest fellow. Julianna Pena, from The Ultimate Fighter, and another fighter chick that didn’t make it into the house (Colleen Schneider), came onto the show. I assume Sam was the one who found her, trained her, and got her on to the show. They talked about fighting men, getting punched in the boobs, EllisMania 9, and types of guys they date. Sam is still stuck on boobs, worried he’s going to punch Tera in the boob and explode her implant. He kept ratcheting up the creep factor by constantly asking either of the girls to be his corner person during his fight. Ellis let both girls kick him at the same time, one on each leg and that turned out to be not such a good idea as they didn’t seem to hold back much. Julianna hit the punch-o-meter pad and scored a 60 on her first shot, which ended up being her best and may have put her on top of all females who have hit the pad. Ellis almost lost his composure after finding out that the girls do sometimes use their MMA during sex acts to control their partner. And then Ellis really lost his shit when he found out that Colleen had a bleeding box after a knee strike to her cookie during a fight.

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Just waiting for Sam to leave.

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YEAH! Sam’s gone!

A Brazilian man was murdered by weed. There was a roadblock and he made a run for it, then he crashed and the half ton load of that sticky icky crushed his ass. My only question is, did his friends then smoke him, making that the first stoner to ever fulfill the fantasy of having their friends smoke them when they die. This brought us to discussion about Tully and Rawdog watching The Boondock Saints over the weekend. Spoiler alert if you’ve been living under a fucking rock. Rawdog did not hate it, but he kept comparing it to Pulp Fiction in his head and felt it borrowed a lot from that film. Another thought he had was “holy shit, this is the most Irish movie ever” but liked the tone the movie was going for at first. He also liked that the director left it open for interpretation at the end as to whether the viewer was for or against the saints, which he was against as he thought they were just vigilante killers. This is where Tully disagreed, he thought the saints didn’t take their lives too seriously and knew they were getting lucky to be coming away unscathed and that they were just going around doing what they thought was right. He also thought the 5-story fall was pretty far-fetched because the guy didn’t die. And then there was the gay detective, Tully feels this movie must have been written by a homosexual because of how that whole dynamic played out. Turns out the guy that wrote the movie, Troy Duffy, ended up being a huge asshole to everyone once he sold the script of the movie and now he’s just a huge asshole with no friends. And that’s was where The Boondock Saints discussion ended.

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If this recap blows, I blame Sam, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin.

The quasi famous, drunken, feral pig in Australia known for steeling beer and fighting cows has died at the hands of a truck, leaving behind a pile of bacon bits. This led us into a round of brand new Wolfknives members being named – the highlight of which could very well have been the idea of having back acne made of gold. That or maybe the guy that said he was a doctor and record label owner. Or maybe it was when Rawdog said that fish don’t have teeth. Or maybe it was the cauliflower pussy joke Tully has been sitting on ever since Colleen talked about MMA on her box. I don’t know, you make the call. Katie came in today so she could take her turn after Tully, both doing their Onnit™ Look Good Naked challenge. Juilanna Pena was anxious to ask Katie how she felt when Ellis starts talking about an ugly chick, which doesn’t typically bother her because there’s usually some kind of creepy involved which is right in her wheelhouse, so-to-speak. After all, she know’s a dude with 3 balls, Buck Manley. But he has nothing on a real man with a real truck.

This finally brought us to the very first call of the show, which also preempted final calls and a possible twerk session featuring Rawdog’s allegedly flabby ass cheeks. The real highlight was a caller who wanted some hemorrhoid talk with 3 ladies in the room. This really put Ellis in the mood considering the in studio audience, but he handled it like a champ. Don’t forget about the EllisMania 9 PSA’s for all your information regarding the who’s, the what’s, the when’s, the why’s, etc. And since Sam was on for half the show, I had time to think about some of the more important issues facing the world and I think I’ve found one for you philanthropists out there. If Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. OH!

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HAHAAAA! Fuck you, fuckin’ Sam fuckin’ Rubin!