Show recap for Thursday 5/29/2014

You day had been going pretty well up until about two hours ago..give or take depending on when the show ended. I’m not gonna go into detail but..fuck this shit..and FYI..I’m typing this on my iPhone..and that’s basically the least of my fucking worries. Ugh. Ughughugh. It’s funny because all of those ughs together look like a couple of hugs. Hugs are way more useful than ughs.

so anyways..Welcome to THE show. Most of us listeners aren’t listening to the show on a farm or out in nature (is an oilfield nature? Would that count? Is an oilfield the place that nature goes to die?!) but apparently we should be. Why? Because Ellis says so and as it’s his show, he probably knows what he’s talking about. He is awesome like that. He wants to get back in touch with nature and with his roots and all of that but not in Australia, he wants to transplant the roots that he’s getting back in touch with to be transplanted here to where his heart calls home, the good old US of A because he is a great American. The only thing that worries him about getting in touch with his roots here in America is we have bears. Apparently there aren’t too many bears running around the outback in the bush and Ellis is prepared to deal with just about every gnarly creature in creation except for a bear. Tully advises him a bit on the subject saying he’s better off not dealing with the beat at all and just getting the hell out of dodge if a bear comes along, because those things are not to be fucked with. Although, Tully does mention that there isn’t a great chance that Ellis would come across a bear in a national park because..well..I don’t know why, but I’ve only been camping one time in my life and it wasn’t in a bear area so..anyway. Ellis questioned getting a gun to protect him and the kids and Katie from a bear attack, but Tully wisely chimed in that that was probably a horrible idea that could go wrong in soso many ways. This is all being talked about because at some point in the relatively near future they have off for a week and Ellis is looking into a little family weeklong getaway. Originally he was looking into spending that time at the O’Neill racing camp so he could learn to drive the buggyracecarthingthatidontreallygetwhatitis a little better, but it’s in the middle of nowhere and he doesn’t want to go somewhere that’s fun for him but not so fun for the kids, because that isn’t fair. A caller does call the show to tell him that the racing camp is in New Hampshire and while there isn’t anything to do in that immediate area, there are a couple kiddie themed theme parks that the kids may enjoy, so maybe that isn’t entirely off the table at this point.

On the subject of kids for realsies at this point Ellis brings up that Tiger wants to go to work with Daddy like he did that one time and be on the radio, and the idea gets brought up that he and Tully should have a bring your son to work day. Tully thinks it would be worth it just because he wants to be amused by the people of the Green Room- Kevin, Jetta, and Will- trying to be responsible for the kids for whatever time they aren’t actively on the air. Ellis doesn’t really seem to want the Green Room to be responsible for his kids, well, except for Will, and probably Jetta wouldn’t be so bad, but Kevin taking care of his kid might be a freaking disaster and a half. Hahahaha. Tully has confidence in Will’s kid abilities as well, probably because Will is a father himself who has managed to not kill or maim his progeny, and he pegs Jetta as the kind of guy who wouldn’t be completely horrible at it, but would definitely leave the situation kind of harassed and haggard because Jetta is just not ready to deal with all the things that a kid entails. He doesn’t have much faith in Kevin’s childcare abilities either. Ellis says that Kevin would be fine, probably, so long as he knew what the line was and didn’t cross it, because he’s probably be entertaining and like a giant cartoon character, but he still seemed pretty shaky on the whole idea. Kevin came in to the studio to defend himself on the matter stating that about five years ago when he was in New York he was hooking up with all kinds of Mama’s with babies and the kids all loved him. But, let’s be honest, he’s probably lost all of that skill by now. Tully and Ellis riff for a while about what their kids could talk about on the air, and got so far as Monster Trucks, because Little Dude is in to them and so is Tiger, and scary things, because Little Dude is kind of ‘in’ to being scared right now and is being scared by everything and Tiger has a story about being chased by a dog that winds up biting him and that is scary as shit to any little kid. The theme here is that Little Dude sort of sets the bar for the conversation, because he’s the Little Dude and doesn’t have the grandest vocabulary because he is still, really, a baby. I mean, at least to me, and I’m writing this…so sufffffffahhhhhhhh.

Moving on there is some brief talk about how Ken Block is going to be on the show tomorrow and they will be giving away some Ken Block RC Cars like the ones that were gifted to Ellis, and if you want one you should probably be listening to the show tomorrow. Isn’t that neat? I think it’s neat. I want one. I have always loved RC cars. Other little girls were asking for Barbies and shit (which I never wanted to be involved in, at all) and I was always asking for the latest and greatest in Radio Control Cars, because I probably am a guy trapped in a girl’s body who is probably gay on account of how much I love Hubbs, and yeah, I seriously think about that sometimes. I don’t think I really am, and I’m not trying to make a joke out of it, because being Transgender is serious, but looking at my life…I’m a super masculine chick in a lot of ways. Always have been, and probably always will be. I don’t know if this makes Hubbs lucky or unlucky. He doesn’t seem to really hate it.

Back to the show.

A caller named Jessica calls in to the show, which is why I’m calling her a caller, and she just wanted to tell Ellis and Tully that even though she didn’t get chosen for The Biggest Loser Fight at Ellismania 10, she isn’t going to let that curtail her desire to get in shape. She has already lost 5 pounds (go Jessica!!!!!) and is looking forward to getting fit. On top of that, after listening to how Will is going to quit smoking, she decided that she too was quitting smoking and that is just another thing that is going to make her life so much better!!! Woo hooo!!! Will is an inspiration to the masses!!! Tully mentions that he kind of wishes that they could get a guy who works for Big Tobacco on to the show to talk to them and ask them how they deal with life and get through every day when they know that they peddle a product that straight up kills people. Will pops his head into the studio to say that they probably do what anyone else in an unsavory career does and rationalizes the fuck out of it, rather than deal with the cold hard truth that they are death peddlers, because yeah, they have to feed their families, and yeah, if they weren’t doing it there would always be another person out there to take up the torch of death peddling. Also, if he’s going to start going to the gym with Ellis on Monday, it has to be earlier than 9AM. Not because he is trying to get out of it, which Ellis accuses him of, but because he starts his day at the office at 9AM and it would be way easier and make much more sense in his life if they could meet at the gym at 7AM. Done. Gym starts Monday at 7AM.

Speaking of death, let’s talk about people who eat the food at 7-11. What the fuck is up with that? And not like the people who once in a drunk or high while grab some 7-11 people, let’s talk about the hardcore ‘I ingest this poison every day’ people because….seriously?!?!?!?! Tully says he’s not sure if it’s a phenomena that occurs outside of LA, but it is, it happens here in New York, and not just the metropolitan NY, out here on Long Island in whatever kind of suburbia this is, there are people who walk into the 7-11’s day after day and feed their hankering for a pizza cooked by heating lamp. The office I worked at was right next door to 7-11, I saw that shit on the daily when I would go in to get my ‘I’m halfway through the day and need a second cup’ of tea. There are people who do that and are fine, but the stats, as Tully and Ellis say, are stacked against you. They then start talking about eating healthy and eating clean and how important it is, especially as one gets to their thirties and so on, and how they feel like shit after eating shit and McDonald’s is the devil. I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but again, this is all being done on an iPhone and this is not a new subject. Eat clean and feel good. Eat shit and feel shitty. Boom.

At some point in here CumTard pops in the studio to regale the guys and us listeners with his latest tale of Being Jason Bourne, where some crazy/mentally unstable individual snatched his newly gotten Bacon, Egg, and Cheese from the Deli, chucked it into the street where it fell to its death beneath the wheels of a big ol’ bus and incited CumTard to give chase to the fucking insane guy. This random crazy guy had apparently attacked some other innocent bystander recently and CumTard was about to beat the snot out of him when he was thrown off by the guys Charles Manson-esque rage babble. Instead, he found himself dodging Karate kicks and calling the guy a fucking asshole psycho and I don’t know how it turns out that the guy got away from CumTard Bourne but at some point the police may be coming to take his statement on the whole ordeal since someone called the cops on this. Damn. That could totally be a really lame straight to Netflix movie that no one ever watches, not even me and Hubbs, who have watched so many bad movies on Netflix on purpose because there are nights where it is simply ‘Bad Movie Night’. Think ‘Oh shit! This movie got negative stars?!?!?!?! Bring it on, motherfucker! Pass the Lemonheads!!’

Back from the break Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood are in the studio and if you don’t know who they are or where they’re from, then I feel bad for you. I mean, even if you are a new listener, HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING IN A BOX???? That’s not even an excuse because for a long long long time I basically lived in a box, and in a lot of ways I still kind of do, and I know who the hell they are. You, you have zero excuses. But they are in the studio and I was driving and taking not notes, so this is what I remember. First, traffic fucking blows hardcore when it’s rush hour and you’re driving home from Queens. Second…they are Hilarious. There was some talk about Ellis’s heart surgery and how doctors are awesome…but then again some doctors aren’t and there really is a larger margin for good versus bad when it comes to doctoring than one might imagine. Even Catherwood was surprised about the competency gap when he and Drew originally got on the subject when they were talking about things for Love Line. Yeah…doctors are just as shitty as every other human has the potential to be. There are really good ones and there are really bad ones. Dr. Drew mentions at one point in the conversation, and it kind of didn’t register too high on the conversation radar, that if you’re looking for a good doctor, especially if it’s something big, look for information about them being Board Certified. Usually a Board Certified Doctor has his shit pretty together. Dr. Drew also has known Ellis’s heart doctor, whose name is Dave for a really long time and gives him the A+ stamp of approval. There are also a lot of dick jokes, talking about sex, and how Dr. Drew has a huge brocrush on Ellis that is not going to end anytime soon. It’s Dr. Drew and Catherwood, people, it’s always good when they’re on. So good that it’s worth catching the replay or downloading the on demand episode. Love it.

They also played a game!!! With Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood on one team and the good old King and Queen on the opposing team, the foursome played a rousing game of Ellis Password and it was fucking hilarious. I was still driving (at this point actually closer to the call we were going to and having to navigate rich people streets through all of the hilarity). If you don’t know how Password is played, again, even living in a box is no excuses, but I referenced Love Line up there (AKA What Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood do together) so I’ll briefly explain. In Password, one member of the team has a word, the ‘password’ and they give their partner one word clues in order to get them to say the word (in this case they have three chances). Easy peasy. But not. I love games like this. There’s one called Taboo where it’s the same premise with the added twist that there is also a list of things that you can’t say to your partner to try and get them to say the Password. When I play that game with certain people, it makes me think that I am psychic. I even thought I was a little psychic listening to them play password on the show, because, I shit you not, I knew what Ellis and Tully were going to say to each other before they said it. Hubbs is a witness. I’m creepy. They played until five and I learned that Mike Catherwood and Dr. Drew are both really competitive (Catherwood’s is an aggressive competitiveness and Dr. Drew’s is much more laid back) because at one point, even Tully made a comment that it’s a good thing Catherwood isn’t The Hulk because otherwise he would have Hulked out and destroyed Dr. Drew’s face with his fist. Dr. Drew failed miserably when the password was ‘Doctor’ and not because he was unable to make Mike Catherwood say it, but because he didn’t say, “Me” as the clue. I’m kind of surprised that Tully didn’t get ‘Dragon’ on the first try after Ellis said ‘Red’, although he did eventually get it…and I will never know what made Ellis said ‘Purple’ after hearing the clues for ‘Pink’ which were- Rose, Vagina, Flower, and Girly. It was a great segment and I look forward to them doing it again with another power couple. Before Mike and Dr. Drew left there was some talk about them being a part of Ellismania, where Catherwood would be up to fighting Tyler Posey (whom he loves) and Dr. Drew could maybe be running the Cut Corner. Which he had to have explained to him. Dr. Drew would love to fight Geraldo, except not, because he’s a doctor and that’s not a good look for him. Ellis also got Mike Catherwood to dish a bit on his wife, Bianca, who was on the slate to be on the show after they left, and he talked about how she had a baby 6 weeks ago at home with a midwife and likes to be talked dirty to during sex about fictional people who he had sex with, in great detail. Oh, and she totally heard him say that, and she’s in the Green Room breastfeeding.

Back from the second break, Bianca, wife to Mike Catherwood and Actress on the New NBC show, Undateable which premiered tonight at 9 on NBC is in the studio to talk about…stuff. Lots of stuff. Like, hour and a half worth of stuff, which I still did not get to take notes on until the last fifteen minutes. And she seems…awesome. Like, I would totally hang out with her and get to know her and want to be BFF’s and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be like the other mom’s that I know who hate me because I’m a decade younger and a decade and a half cuter than they are. I hate people. Anyway…yeah…they literally talk about everything. Ellis makes a comment off the bat that she seems very motherly and he just wants to open up to her, and spoon her, and cry to her, and be mummied by her in a non-creepy way. She says that she has definitely gotten that since before she became a mom (to a little girl 7 weeks ago!!! Congrats!!!) and I feel like I was a fly on the wall of a get to know you therapy session where the doctor just basically gets you to lay it all out on the table. Seriously. Everything. They talk about her having a baby at home, about possibly being a hippy (and if she is one, she’s def one of the Earthy laid back chicks who is super mellow and not one of the weird ones who don’t wash their hair and smell like their homemade compost heap around the clock and hemp oil). They talk about sexual preferences, people having sexual energy, Ellis’ childhood, her teens and twenties, him being married twice, her being married once before, kids, food, fucking everything. It was fucking fantastic, which I find fantastic, because sometimes the ladies (Not Katie, obviously) are a little one dimensional, but she was really ready to get down to the gnitty gritty and wasn’t shy about answering any question and was completely forthcoming about her life and relationships, and she was really refreshing. She reminds me of me a bit, and hopefully, I will still be like her when I am 37. In the future, we may see her featured as the star of one of TJES movies as Vominatrix…a psycho killer lady who vomits on her victim’s dead bodies. Awesome.

Rounding out the end of the show is a phone call from Aubrey Marcus from Onnit, our new weekly whole body health guru!!! Woooooooo!!!! I think I like this guy more every time he’s on the show. I’m really loving the tips that he’s sharing and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve turned into a yogi and am getting really into the whole mind/body connection or what, but I feel super motivated whenever he is on. This week is the first week that he’s calling in for tips, last week he was in the studio on air talking about Step One and figuring out where it is that you want to be. He says that he has some tips on Energy and getting more energy to get through the day and maybe just give you that little extra push to get the things done that you really want to get done, like maybe if you’re a but on the cusp about whether or not you’ll go to the gym, these tips might help push you to getting there. And they are simple and involve things that you need to survive. The trifecta of shit we need to keep living is air, water, and food. Boom. Simple. Food is the obvious one when it comes to how it affects our energy levels so he leaves that one last, and starts with the two less obvious ones- Air and Water. We all need air to breathe. Boom. That is not an epiphany. But apparently, the way that we are breathing does have an effect on our day to day energy levels. Aubrey explains that most people are chest breathers, which keeps us going and puts oxygen in our blood, but deep breathing is better. What is deep breathing? It’s breathing that fills up the entire volume of the lung as opposed to just the upper portion that chest breathing fills. Deep breathing is powered by the diaphragm and you feel it in your belly. So, what should we do? We should pay more attention to our breathing, because breathing is life, yo. But seriously, throughout the day, when you find yourself with some spare minutes while driving, behind your desk, in line at the bank, or what have you, concentrate on taking some deeper breaths. Deeper breathing leads to more oxygen in the blood, more red blood cells powering your tissues and your mind and woo-hoo, just an extra bit of energy to get you through the day. Easy as pie, and we all know that pie is slutty. Next on the list is water. We are mostly made of water, so obviously it’s important. But Aubrey says something that, I think everyone knows in some corner of their mind, that most people are dehydrated. What’s the solution? Well…drink more water. That’s simple. And it really is simple. Get a re-usable bottle of water, fill it up, and sip throughout the day. It’s tougher to pinpoint an actual quantity of how much water you should intake because there are factors like caffeine intake, the amount of fruit and veggies in your daily diet, how many cheeseburgers you eat, and how much salt you consume, but just drink more water. Yes, there is such a thing as drinking too much water, but in the long run, it won’t really hurt you. Drinking water effing hydrates you, it makes your body run better, drink more H2O and feel good about it. Don’t chug. Chugging is not the goods. Just stay hydrated. Lastly, there is food. Obviously you should eat good food, and that’s not really what today’s phone call is about. It is more about HOW you eat food. Apparently we should all chew our food. A lot. Mastication is the first step in digestion. It starts breaking down all those nutrients locked in food and makes it easier for our stomach to digest further, which helps it absorb in our blood better to fuel our bodies. Chew your food until it’s fucking liquid. And if you’re drinking healthy shakes or green drinks, chew it a bit to get some saliva mixed in. There ya go. Also, it’s not the best think to drink while you’re eating a meal as it can dilute the acid in your stomach and halt the digestion process and make it less effective. Digestion is important. And try and finish your eats about 2 – 2/12 hours before you go to sleep, so your body can rest rather than do the digestion work.

The Don’t Die calls were motivated by the question, “What’s the worst text/email that you have accidentally sent to the wrong person at the wrong time?” Ellis broke the ice with how he texted his Ex-Wife “I miss you” which he had meant to send to Katie, but it wasn’t a disaster and he told her that he sent the text to the wrong person before she could even respond. Will told us that he texted who he thought was a buddy that he hadn’t heard from him in a while and they should get together, but it was actually an employee he had fired that was surprised to hear that Will missed having him around. Hahahaha.

Things We Learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Dr. Drew would let Ellis finger his butthole if Ellis was dressed like Mick Dundee

Ellis and Tully won the Password Game, of course

Kids are really self-centered

Tully and his wife’s relationship is based around food

70% of the population is uncircumcised- Ellis has a stock cock

Pink is Little Dude’s favorite color

You don’t need a CDL to rent an RV

The Grand Canyon is where you go if you’re a city kid and want to see stars

If you smoke a cigarette out of your vagine, you’re a permanent moron

Bianca was in labor for 25 hours…no drugs…no doctor

Being a Parent is weird

Being Choked out is worse than being knocked out

Mike Catherwood needs to stop farting in front of his wife

Show Recap for Thursday 5/22/2014

Rejoice!!! Pick your deity of choice (or just be thankful for good old fashioned scientific advancement) because Jason Ellis made it through surgery and is a force to be reckoned with, because, his heart got burned and he’s ready to rock and roll. Sort of. You know, post-surgery means he has to take it easy for a bit, but after that bit, he is all kinds of back in the game!!! Boom. Seriously…so happy that Ellis got through the surgery and was feeling well enough today that he could be on the radio. I mean, think about it, he had heart surgery the day before yesterday, and he went to work today. He is not a normal human being. He is a beast. He is a warrior. He is….Jason Ellis.

The show opened up with Ellis talking about how today, since he had nothing going on he went to go get a pedicure and found a cake store! Haha…one doesn’t really go with the other, but it was good that he found the cake store because he made some happy maneuvers with the people that work there and from now on Cake and Art because, yeah, Ellis is still basically the producer of his own show. Also on his Thursday morning walkabout he decided to go to the shoe store to get some new shoes because after surgery he is a little sore in the groin region and thought some new shoes would do him some good. While at the shoe store, talking to the shoe store guy, the reason behind why Ellis was buying new shoes came up and the guy at the shoe store was pretty impressed that Ellis was already up and out doing shit considering he had heart surgery THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Sorry for the caps, but it really blows my mind. I had a biopsy on my pancreas last year and I was out of work for like, four days, and now I feel like a major pussy. But talking to the shoe store guy made Ellis realize that he really is lucky to be alive, and thankful that he is alive, and being alive is awesome, and that makes today the Ultimate Good Day for him, because he is here living life and appreciating that he is here to live life. Ellis knows that there will be days where he loses sight of the appreciation he has for life, because shit happens, but hopefully he will always come around to remember that he really really really could have died, and that will lead to another Ultimate Good Day full of life-y appreciation. At this point Tully suggested that maybe Ellis should have heart surgery more often to keep this mindset around, and I don’t think that’s the best idea ever, but he was probably joking. Probably. Ellis talked about the whole shebang, about how on Easter Sunday when he had gotten up off of the couch to go get a drink and got so light headed that he dropped to his knee and sent his kids to go get Katie. He apparently had thought that he was having an anxiety attack and got a blowjob from her to try and help calm him down, and that’s a great cure for anxiety, but not so much for A-fib. He talked about being in the corridor with Katie right before the surgery and talking to her, and how the surgery room was like this super advanced room with computers like NASA and probably like Howard Stern’s studio  and he wore a hairnet, which was funny, and there was some dude there to shave his junk and so he made dick jokes, because what else are you gonna do at a time like that? Tully was surprised that Ellis had neglected to shave his own genitals, but Ellis explained that the thought didn’t even occur to him. He was thinking about his kids, thinking a whole lot of ‘this could be the last time I -fill in the blank-‘, and trying to focus on the fact that he was a warrior and he was going to make it out of the surgery with a gold star. Ellis described how they lowered a big plastic looking shield over him while he was on the bed and he realized that it was so that when blood started a-spurting out of him it wouldn’t get in the doctor’s eyes and it must have been scary to be on the wrong side of the sneeze guard. Yikes. But then the anesthesiologist gave him an IV that would help to relax him and just as he was getting nervous he fell into sleepy land and the next thing he knew he was awake. Ellis said he doesn’t really remember a lot about what happened after the surgery, but Katie did tell him that when he asked the nurse to unstick his balls from his legs, she went right ahead and did it, even though Katie had thought that he was joking about it. And that’s awesome. Ellis played the guys a video of the nurse removing his catheter, which Will SUPER did not want to see because it made him kinda squeamy, and Ellis’ first words after getting the catheter and balloon thing out were, “Well, that was special.” Tully said that the nurse should start a twitter account where all she does is tweet the things that patient’s say after getting a cath removed, and yeah, she should, because I would laugh at that all the day long. Ellis thought it was cool that after the cath came out he farted out of his dick and had frothy pee, and Tully seemed a little jealous, which lead to a couple minutes of them talking about farts and how it would be awesome if you could decide whether your fart would come out of your ass or your dick. For the record, they think that once they got used to that power it would be a 60/40 split in favor of the ass, but that’s still a fair amount of gas getting pushed out of their pee-holes. Ellis didn’t sleep well while he was in the hospital, but he slept for ten hours last night, which was awesome, and he was super happy to learn that he could have a cup of coffee every day and that in two weeks he can go back to the gym- with some restrictions. He is pumped that he can do a lot more than he thought he was going to be able to do a lot sooner, like sex, so long as Katie does all of the work for now.

On to other things, Ellis says that he basically has what he wants to happen in EM10 down in his head, which is super exciting news which I know we all have been waiting to hear for what feels like forever. It’s slated to happen in October, although he doesn’t know if it’s going to be at the Hard Rock in Vegas because he says they’ve backed off of him a bit, and he’s open to venues and wants EM10 to be the best ever. Tully says he’s been thinking some thoughts to discuss with Ellis off-air for Ellismania and he thinks that there are some simple ways to make it so that the behind the scenes disasters that occurred with EM9 don’t happen again ensuring that this year’s Ellismania will be truly effing amazing. Ellis wants to do a HateBean fight where two people fight for a minute and then, during the 30 second rest HatBean plays a song while the fighters are getting doused in Champagne and fake cocaine by Katie and Malice and are getting blue balled and fucked with and then fight for another minute for four rounds. Everyone is super excited over this idea, which is because, duh, it’s awesome, and Tully, Ellis, and Will talk about the fights to be in EM10 and the potential match-ups. Ellis declares that if Tyler Posey is truly serious about being a member of Death Death Die! then he basically has to fight in Ellismania. Ellis also wants to see Katie in a fight, maybe against Malice, and is trying to figure out how to get Sam Rubin punched in the face. It sounds like there are going to be Superheroes in the musical chair fight, and this year there will definitely be a piñata for the piñata fight- woo-hoo!!! Also, anyone who wants to be in the Biggest Loser Male or Female Fight, the deadline for videos showing you in your current state on the scale and all that gobbledeegook, send your videos or a link to your video on youtube to, or you can’t be in it!!! Mike in Canada called the show because he really really wants to be in a fight, but Ellis thinks that at 230lbs that’s not a great idea because he could probably punch someone really hard and hurt them, and that’s not really what they want to see happen. Don’t worry Mike, that’s why Hubbs can’t fight at Ellismania ever, he would kill someone, so, you’re not alone.

Ellis got everyone presents from the new cake shop that he found and gave them to the guys on air. Will got a chocolate dick with balls, CumTard got a chocolate dick, Jetta got a White chocolate dick, and Tully received some chocolate titties. Ellis had the guys take pics with their dics to be put up on the twitter, and made CumTard deep throat his, which sounded like a lot of gagging for someone who was then declared an insult to blowjobs. Tully got to fulfill his lifelong wish of biting off a nipple, and that’s a wish that CumTard and Ellis found kind of weird, but Jetta seemed to get. Ouch. Ouch. I’m all for getting my nipples bitten and twisted and tortured…but I’d really be pissed and miss it a lot if one got bitten off. Relax, Tully, reign in your inner nipple gobbler.

Back from the first break Tully starts talking about how several other countries offer Women menstrual leave and some people are saying that the US should offer it too, but he never really gets through it because, Aubrey from Onnit is in the studio and he offers up the factoid that women in ancient Greece used to stuff horse dung up their twat when they were menstruating because damn it must have sucked to be alive before tampons were invented. Just saying. Ellis thinks that there should be menstrual leave for some women because some women go crazy and should just go home and come back when they are more useful. I kinda hate to break it to Ellis, but that’s not because they’re women on their period, that’s because they are just useless human beings. Coming from the perspective of me, a woman, I have really fucked up plumbing and my ‘time of the month’ involves pain worse than childbirth and I get through it. Boom. Harden The Fuck Up ladies, I’m just not buying it.

Aubrey is in the studio to talk about health and fitness and how to start your fitness journey, but first Ellis wants to talk about the whole Peruvian crazy sane making plants that made him see his Grandmother in heaven. Which is a really skewed view of the whole story, but that’s my nutshell. If you’ve been listening, or reading these wonderful recaps, you know that Ellis is interested in going down to Peru and participating in a ceremony that would help him conquer his fears and would potentially allow him to experience a higher plane where he could know that his brother is alright up in heaven (or whatever religion you subrscribe to’s happy after death place) and well, Aubrey is the person that brought Ellis around to this idea because he went to Peru. Apparently, ever since Aubrey was 18 and took schrooms in the desert and had a metaphysical type of experience, he has been on the path to…I forgot how he put it, and he really put it well, but I’ll say enlightenment. It’s not necessarily a religious enlightenment, but one that brings you closer to being more whole as a person and more okay in your own life with your own self, and yeah, it sounds like a bunch of hippy bullshit, but it’s really wonderful. So, he went down to Peru to this place run by Gandalf (aka Don Howard) where he participated in a ceremony which involved him taking Huachama (a DMT like drug derived from a Cactus) for three days with one day off between ingestions and going on treks through the jungle to conquer his fears. After that, he snorted Vilka from a 4000 year old bone off of a 4000 year old tray and tripped balls. But not really, he went back to his room blindfolded and felt himself burst through a jellyfish like matrix of light and color and come out finding himself in a peaceful and calm place with a hippopotamus man and a bunch of figures in hooded robes that didn’t want to talk to him. But his grandma was there, and he got to talk to her and see her and feel the love of her, and after that he came back into his body and…and he’s a better person for it. Aubrey said that your attitude going into it is really important and that you have to approach it with earnestness, and he really believes that Ellis would have a positive experience with it. He talks a lot about how he trusts it a lot because, along with doing more than adequate research, this is stuff that has been done for 4000 years, as opposed to drugs that come from pharmaceutical companies. Ellis is scared that he’ll have a panic attack, but Aubrey really thinks that he’ll be okay, because it’s an amazing experience and has helped so many people and has helped him personally. Ellis’ therapist doesn’t want him to do it, but he doesn’t really know anything about it, so that’s kind of like taking sex advice from a Sex Therapist who’s a virgin. The whole thing really taught Aubrey to continue moving toward his fears, which includes the fear of suffering (as he has had a couple relatives die slow, painful deaths) and fear of doing backflips on the trampoline. It was all really interesting. I’m not sure I’d ever do it, at least at this point in my life, but you never know what the future holds.

Now…onto the reason that Aubrey is in the studio and the reason he will be calling the show on Mondays for the foreseeable future- to dispense some wisdom on what I guess we could call ‘Your Personal Fitness Journey’ because, as we all know, Ellis wants what’s best for all of us, and that means we should all get healthy and follow Aubrey’s advice, because he’s a pretty smart dude. Aubrey says that Step One is figuring out where you want to be. He recommends sitting down and writing a mock journal entry with a date in the future written at the top and opening it with the line, “My life is as good as it could possibly be.” and then to continue the journal entry you should describe everything that you think that includes, sans material things. Think in terms of how you would want your body to feel, to look (realistically), your thoughts, things like that. For example, mine would probably begin something like, “My life is as good as it could possibly be. I woke up this morning with no aches and pains, and when I looked in the mirror I was simply in love with my body. I loved every curve, every bump, the smoothness of my skin, all of the positive and perceived negative. My body feels strong.” And it would go on. I’m actually planning on doing this exercise tomorrow, because I’m not one of those people who writes shit like that down, but it sounds really therapeutic. And I am working on being more fit and I’m also working on being more body positive- because I don’t feel as happy and comfortable with my body as I should. I know that objectively it is a beautiful body, but I’m working on really feeling that. So, yeah, kind of fits into my life right now. Step numero dos is to identify the resistance that is keeping you from getting you to that Journal Entry Ideal state and how to tackle them, and again, he’s talking more about internal resistance- the ‘it’s too late for me to start’ or ‘I’m not lucky’ mentality. There will always be external obstacles to overcome, but we shouldn’t let our own minds get in the way of us being happy. Boom. So, like I said, I’m going to be doing steps one and two tomorrow, and I encourage you guys to do the same, it’s like paid for but not paid for therapy.

Back from the break Sam Tripoli is in the studio!!! He has a new comedy album out on iTunes called ‘Believe in Yourself’ and it’s currently #2 after Jim Gaffagan, but before Louis CK, and Ellisfam, Big Daddy J has put out the call for us to make it number one, so go to iTunes and do what we do best. Sam, Ellis, and Tully talk a lot about comedy and traveling with comedy and how Sam is totally whipped by his girlfriend. Why is he whipped? Because he doesn’t want to talk about anything weird or sex-related all that much because after the last time he was on the show talking about being peed on by a Miley Cyrus stunt double (which he talked about again today) and getting robbed by the same hooker twice, his girlfriend yelled at him. Haha. Sam does tell Ellis that he is #1 on the comedy list in Canada (yay Canada) and they shake hands because Ellis knows how awesome it is that Canada gets it and they are both now part of the #1 in Canada team. Somehow they get onto the topic of roleplay and Ellis tells a short story about how before he had surgery he dressed up as Spiderman and picked up two pretend Hookers that he played hide and seek and then let’s fuck with. Tully apparently has never role-played before and said he’s too self-conscious to try with his wife (which I don’t really understand…isn’t she the one that you shouldn’t feel self-conscious around?) and Sam Tripoli drops the ‘I like for girls to call me the N-Bomb during sex’ bomb because…he’s gonna get in trouble with his girlfriend again. Hubbs and I have only role-played a couple of times, but it’s always fun, I do really good impressions of a couple of people and we laugh and fuck and…yeah…he’s the one person I could never feel self-conscious with. I want to have sex now. Ugh.


Back from the final break it’s time for a quick round of Helium Shock Collar Movie Review with CumFat…I mean, CumTard. Kevin is in the studio to suck in Helium and review the movie Godzilla with the added twist that Ellis, Tully, and Sam have a list of words that if Kevin says one, he gets shocked. Oh…and if he screams from being shocked…he get’s shocked again. I don’t remember all of the words, but they included Godzilla, monster, lizard, explosion, bomb, fire, San Francisco, US, Japan, radiation, Cranston, Breaking Bad, and Yes, and it was fucking Hilarious with a capital H on purpose. I thought Joe was gonna pee himself. He does this thing where when he laughs really hard he kicks or stomps his feet (so fucking adorable) and I heard a lot of foot stomping wiggliness from his side of the truck. When he’s getting shocked with the helium voice he sounds like an angry cartoon character, and it’s amazing. It made me really believe that he could do a voice for a cartoon character. Amazing. Sam really enjoyed watching and asking questions and said that CumTard was a champ. It’s such a good bit. Ellis said that CumTard is the best at being shocked, which is so true, but he also said that girls would be funny getting shocked but girls don’t want to get shocked. What the fuck girls is he trying to shock that don’t want to be shocked? Sign me up! Sounds like a blast!!! *raises hand, looks around hopefully*. No? No shocks for Jenni? Sad Jenni. Boohoo. It was right around here that Ellis got a text that made him say, “Oh shit, I gotta go,” but it wasn’t anything too dire, just something he needed to get handled and he was the one to handle it. And then the show ended. Lolz.

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s so cool that Doctors can fix the shit that breaks inside of you

Nuts are like pizza dough

Ellis will be off all pills in 2 to 3 months. Boom.

Ellis shaved his beard off because Katie decided she doesn’t like it

Nick Swardson is down to fight at EM10

Ellis thinks Tully would be Christian in a fight

Wilson wants THC to fight at EM10

Barley is a superfood that makes you super poo

Ellis is so thankful for all the well wishes he received from listeners

Ellis wants his kids to have a big, fat happy life

The self portraits are doing good on Ebay…auction over tomorrow!!

It’s not about Soulmates, it’s about partners in crime

Louisiana chicks are the greatest chicks ever

White chicks are insane

Koreans say the N’Bomb instead of ‘uhhhhh’

Miley Cyrus has donkey teeth and that’s kind of what makes her so hot

Sam Tripoli has seen Britney Spears’ hooha

Don’t Die.


So glad Big Daddy J is back!!!!