Rejoice!!! Pick your deity of choice (or just be thankful for good old fashioned scientific advancement) because Jason Ellis made it through surgery and is a force to be reckoned with, because, his heart got burned and he’s ready to rock and roll. Sort of. You know, post-surgery means he has to take it easy for a bit, but after that bit, he is all kinds of back in the game!!! Boom. Seriously…so happy that Ellis got through the surgery and was feeling well enough today that he could be on the radio. I mean, think about it, he had heart surgery the day before yesterday, and he went to work today. He is not a normal human being. He is a beast. He is a warrior. He is….Jason Ellis.
The show opened up with Ellis talking about how today, since he had nothing going on he went to go get a pedicure and found a cake store! Haha…one doesn’t really go with the other, but it was good that he found the cake store because he made some happy maneuvers with the people that work there and from now on Cake and Art because, yeah, Ellis is still basically the producer of his own show. Also on his Thursday morning walkabout he decided to go to the shoe store to get some new shoes because after surgery he is a little sore in the groin region and thought some new shoes would do him some good. While at the shoe store, talking to the shoe store guy, the reason behind why Ellis was buying new shoes came up and the guy at the shoe store was pretty impressed that Ellis was already up and out doing shit considering he had heart surgery THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Sorry for the caps, but it really blows my mind. I had a biopsy on my pancreas last year and I was out of work for like, four days, and now I feel like a major pussy. But talking to the shoe store guy made Ellis realize that he really is lucky to be alive, and thankful that he is alive, and being alive is awesome, and that makes today the Ultimate Good Day for him, because he is here living life and appreciating that he is here to live life. Ellis knows that there will be days where he loses sight of the appreciation he has for life, because shit happens, but hopefully he will always come around to remember that he really really really could have died, and that will lead to another Ultimate Good Day full of life-y appreciation. At this point Tully suggested that maybe Ellis should have heart surgery more often to keep this mindset around, and I don’t think that’s the best idea ever, but he was probably joking. Probably. Ellis talked about the whole shebang, about how on Easter Sunday when he had gotten up off of the couch to go get a drink and got so light headed that he dropped to his knee and sent his kids to go get Katie. He apparently had thought that he was having an anxiety attack and got a blowjob from her to try and help calm him down, and that’s a great cure for anxiety, but not so much for A-fib. He talked about being in the corridor with Katie right before the surgery and talking to her, and how the surgery room was like this super advanced room with computers like NASA and probably like Howard Stern’s studio and he wore a hairnet, which was funny, and there was some dude there to shave his junk and so he made dick jokes, because what else are you gonna do at a time like that? Tully was surprised that Ellis had neglected to shave his own genitals, but Ellis explained that the thought didn’t even occur to him. He was thinking about his kids, thinking a whole lot of ‘this could be the last time I -fill in the blank-‘, and trying to focus on the fact that he was a warrior and he was going to make it out of the surgery with a gold star. Ellis described how they lowered a big plastic looking shield over him while he was on the bed and he realized that it was so that when blood started a-spurting out of him it wouldn’t get in the doctor’s eyes and it must have been scary to be on the wrong side of the sneeze guard. Yikes. But then the anesthesiologist gave him an IV that would help to relax him and just as he was getting nervous he fell into sleepy land and the next thing he knew he was awake. Ellis said he doesn’t really remember a lot about what happened after the surgery, but Katie did tell him that when he asked the nurse to unstick his balls from his legs, she went right ahead and did it, even though Katie had thought that he was joking about it. And that’s awesome. Ellis played the guys a video of the nurse removing his catheter, which Will SUPER did not want to see because it made him kinda squeamy, and Ellis’ first words after getting the catheter and balloon thing out were, “Well, that was special.” Tully said that the nurse should start a twitter account where all she does is tweet the things that patient’s say after getting a cath removed, and yeah, she should, because I would laugh at that all the day long. Ellis thought it was cool that after the cath came out he farted out of his dick and had frothy pee, and Tully seemed a little jealous, which lead to a couple minutes of them talking about farts and how it would be awesome if you could decide whether your fart would come out of your ass or your dick. For the record, they think that once they got used to that power it would be a 60/40 split in favor of the ass, but that’s still a fair amount of gas getting pushed out of their pee-holes. Ellis didn’t sleep well while he was in the hospital, but he slept for ten hours last night, which was awesome, and he was super happy to learn that he could have a cup of coffee every day and that in two weeks he can go back to the gym- with some restrictions. He is pumped that he can do a lot more than he thought he was going to be able to do a lot sooner, like sex, so long as Katie does all of the work for now.
On to other things, Ellis says that he basically has what he wants to happen in EM10 down in his head, which is super exciting news which I know we all have been waiting to hear for what feels like forever. It’s slated to happen in October, although he doesn’t know if it’s going to be at the Hard Rock in Vegas because he says they’ve backed off of him a bit, and he’s open to venues and wants EM10 to be the best ever. Tully says he’s been thinking some thoughts to discuss with Ellis off-air for Ellismania and he thinks that there are some simple ways to make it so that the behind the scenes disasters that occurred with EM9 don’t happen again ensuring that this year’s Ellismania will be truly effing amazing. Ellis wants to do a HateBean fight where two people fight for a minute and then, during the 30 second rest HatBean plays a song while the fighters are getting doused in Champagne and fake cocaine by Katie and Malice and are getting blue balled and fucked with and then fight for another minute for four rounds. Everyone is super excited over this idea, which is because, duh, it’s awesome, and Tully, Ellis, and Will talk about the fights to be in EM10 and the potential match-ups. Ellis declares that if Tyler Posey is truly serious about being a member of Death Death Die! then he basically has to fight in Ellismania. Ellis also wants to see Katie in a fight, maybe against Malice, and is trying to figure out how to get Sam Rubin punched in the face. It sounds like there are going to be Superheroes in the musical chair fight, and this year there will definitely be a piñata for the piñata fight- woo-hoo!!! Also, anyone who wants to be in the Biggest Loser Male or Female Fight, the deadline for videos showing you in your current state on the scale and all that gobbledeegook, send your videos or a link to your video on youtube to email@example.com, or you can’t be in it!!! Mike in Canada called the show because he really really wants to be in a fight, but Ellis thinks that at 230lbs that’s not a great idea because he could probably punch someone really hard and hurt them, and that’s not really what they want to see happen. Don’t worry Mike, that’s why Hubbs can’t fight at Ellismania ever, he would kill someone, so, you’re not alone.
Ellis got everyone presents from the new cake shop that he found and gave them to the guys on air. Will got a chocolate dick with balls, CumTard got a chocolate dick, Jetta got a White chocolate dick, and Tully received some chocolate titties. Ellis had the guys take pics with their dics to be put up on the twitter, and made CumTard deep throat his, which sounded like a lot of gagging for someone who was then declared an insult to blowjobs. Tully got to fulfill his lifelong wish of biting off a nipple, and that’s a wish that CumTard and Ellis found kind of weird, but Jetta seemed to get. Ouch. Ouch. I’m all for getting my nipples bitten and twisted and tortured…but I’d really be pissed and miss it a lot if one got bitten off. Relax, Tully, reign in your inner nipple gobbler.
Back from the first break Tully starts talking about how several other countries offer Women menstrual leave and some people are saying that the US should offer it too, but he never really gets through it because, Aubrey from Onnit is in the studio and he offers up the factoid that women in ancient Greece used to stuff horse dung up their twat when they were menstruating because damn it must have sucked to be alive before tampons were invented. Just saying. Ellis thinks that there should be menstrual leave for some women because some women go crazy and should just go home and come back when they are more useful. I kinda hate to break it to Ellis, but that’s not because they’re women on their period, that’s because they are just useless human beings. Coming from the perspective of me, a woman, I have really fucked up plumbing and my ‘time of the month’ involves pain worse than childbirth and I get through it. Boom. Harden The Fuck Up ladies, I’m just not buying it.
Aubrey is in the studio to talk about health and fitness and how to start your fitness journey, but first Ellis wants to talk about the whole Peruvian crazy sane making plants that made him see his Grandmother in heaven. Which is a really skewed view of the whole story, but that’s my nutshell. If you’ve been listening, or reading these wonderful recaps, you know that Ellis is interested in going down to Peru and participating in a ceremony that would help him conquer his fears and would potentially allow him to experience a higher plane where he could know that his brother is alright up in heaven (or whatever religion you subrscribe to’s happy after death place) and well, Aubrey is the person that brought Ellis around to this idea because he went to Peru. Apparently, ever since Aubrey was 18 and took schrooms in the desert and had a metaphysical type of experience, he has been on the path to…I forgot how he put it, and he really put it well, but I’ll say enlightenment. It’s not necessarily a religious enlightenment, but one that brings you closer to being more whole as a person and more okay in your own life with your own self, and yeah, it sounds like a bunch of hippy bullshit, but it’s really wonderful. So, he went down to Peru to this place run by Gandalf (aka Don Howard) where he participated in a ceremony which involved him taking Huachama (a DMT like drug derived from a Cactus) for three days with one day off between ingestions and going on treks through the jungle to conquer his fears. After that, he snorted Vilka from a 4000 year old bone off of a 4000 year old tray and tripped balls. But not really, he went back to his room blindfolded and felt himself burst through a jellyfish like matrix of light and color and come out finding himself in a peaceful and calm place with a hippopotamus man and a bunch of figures in hooded robes that didn’t want to talk to him. But his grandma was there, and he got to talk to her and see her and feel the love of her, and after that he came back into his body and…and he’s a better person for it. Aubrey said that your attitude going into it is really important and that you have to approach it with earnestness, and he really believes that Ellis would have a positive experience with it. He talks a lot about how he trusts it a lot because, along with doing more than adequate research, this is stuff that has been done for 4000 years, as opposed to drugs that come from pharmaceutical companies. Ellis is scared that he’ll have a panic attack, but Aubrey really thinks that he’ll be okay, because it’s an amazing experience and has helped so many people and has helped him personally. Ellis’ therapist doesn’t want him to do it, but he doesn’t really know anything about it, so that’s kind of like taking sex advice from a Sex Therapist who’s a virgin. The whole thing really taught Aubrey to continue moving toward his fears, which includes the fear of suffering (as he has had a couple relatives die slow, painful deaths) and fear of doing backflips on the trampoline. It was all really interesting. I’m not sure I’d ever do it, at least at this point in my life, but you never know what the future holds.
Now…onto the reason that Aubrey is in the studio and the reason he will be calling the show on Mondays for the foreseeable future- to dispense some wisdom on what I guess we could call ‘Your Personal Fitness Journey’ because, as we all know, Ellis wants what’s best for all of us, and that means we should all get healthy and follow Aubrey’s advice, because he’s a pretty smart dude. Aubrey says that Step One is figuring out where you want to be. He recommends sitting down and writing a mock journal entry with a date in the future written at the top and opening it with the line, “My life is as good as it could possibly be.” and then to continue the journal entry you should describe everything that you think that includes, sans material things. Think in terms of how you would want your body to feel, to look (realistically), your thoughts, things like that. For example, mine would probably begin something like, “My life is as good as it could possibly be. I woke up this morning with no aches and pains, and when I looked in the mirror I was simply in love with my body. I loved every curve, every bump, the smoothness of my skin, all of the positive and perceived negative. My body feels strong.” And it would go on. I’m actually planning on doing this exercise tomorrow, because I’m not one of those people who writes shit like that down, but it sounds really therapeutic. And I am working on being more fit and I’m also working on being more body positive- because I don’t feel as happy and comfortable with my body as I should. I know that objectively it is a beautiful body, but I’m working on really feeling that. So, yeah, kind of fits into my life right now. Step numero dos is to identify the resistance that is keeping you from getting you to that Journal Entry Ideal state and how to tackle them, and again, he’s talking more about internal resistance- the ‘it’s too late for me to start’ or ‘I’m not lucky’ mentality. There will always be external obstacles to overcome, but we shouldn’t let our own minds get in the way of us being happy. Boom. So, like I said, I’m going to be doing steps one and two tomorrow, and I encourage you guys to do the same, it’s like paid for but not paid for therapy.
Back from the break Sam Tripoli is in the studio!!! He has a new comedy album out on iTunes called ‘Believe in Yourself’ and it’s currently #2 after Jim Gaffagan, but before Louis CK, and Ellisfam, Big Daddy J has put out the call for us to make it number one, so go to iTunes and do what we do best. Sam, Ellis, and Tully talk a lot about comedy and traveling with comedy and how Sam is totally whipped by his girlfriend. Why is he whipped? Because he doesn’t want to talk about anything weird or sex-related all that much because after the last time he was on the show talking about being peed on by a Miley Cyrus stunt double (which he talked about again today) and getting robbed by the same hooker twice, his girlfriend yelled at him. Haha. Sam does tell Ellis that he is #1 on the comedy list in Canada (yay Canada) and they shake hands because Ellis knows how awesome it is that Canada gets it and they are both now part of the #1 in Canada team. Somehow they get onto the topic of roleplay and Ellis tells a short story about how before he had surgery he dressed up as Spiderman and picked up two pretend Hookers that he played hide and seek and then let’s fuck with. Tully apparently has never role-played before and said he’s too self-conscious to try with his wife (which I don’t really understand…isn’t she the one that you shouldn’t feel self-conscious around?) and Sam Tripoli drops the ‘I like for girls to call me the N-Bomb during sex’ bomb because…he’s gonna get in trouble with his girlfriend again. Hubbs and I have only role-played a couple of times, but it’s always fun, I do really good impressions of a couple of people and we laugh and fuck and…yeah…he’s the one person I could never feel self-conscious with. I want to have sex now. Ugh.
Back from the final break it’s time for a quick round of Helium Shock Collar Movie Review with CumFat…I mean, CumTard. Kevin is in the studio to suck in Helium and review the movie Godzilla with the added twist that Ellis, Tully, and Sam have a list of words that if Kevin says one, he gets shocked. Oh…and if he screams from being shocked…he get’s shocked again. I don’t remember all of the words, but they included Godzilla, monster, lizard, explosion, bomb, fire, San Francisco, US, Japan, radiation, Cranston, Breaking Bad, and Yes, and it was fucking Hilarious with a capital H on purpose. I thought Joe was gonna pee himself. He does this thing where when he laughs really hard he kicks or stomps his feet (so fucking adorable) and I heard a lot of foot stomping wiggliness from his side of the truck. When he’s getting shocked with the helium voice he sounds like an angry cartoon character, and it’s amazing. It made me really believe that he could do a voice for a cartoon character. Amazing. Sam really enjoyed watching and asking questions and said that CumTard was a champ. It’s such a good bit. Ellis said that CumTard is the best at being shocked, which is so true, but he also said that girls would be funny getting shocked but girls don’t want to get shocked. What the fuck girls is he trying to shock that don’t want to be shocked? Sign me up! Sounds like a blast!!! *raises hand, looks around hopefully*. No? No shocks for Jenni? Sad Jenni. Boohoo. It was right around here that Ellis got a text that made him say, “Oh shit, I gotta go,” but it wasn’t anything too dire, just something he needed to get handled and he was the one to handle it. And then the show ended. Lolz.
Things we learned on TJES today:
It’s so cool that Doctors can fix the shit that breaks inside of you
Nuts are like pizza dough
Ellis will be off all pills in 2 to 3 months. Boom.
Ellis shaved his beard off because Katie decided she doesn’t like it
Nick Swardson is down to fight at EM10
Ellis thinks Tully would be Christian in a fight
Wilson wants THC to fight at EM10
Barley is a superfood that makes you super poo
Ellis is so thankful for all the well wishes he received from listeners
Ellis wants his kids to have a big, fat happy life
The self portraits are doing good on Ebay…auction over tomorrow!!
It’s not about Soulmates, it’s about partners in crime
Louisiana chicks are the greatest chicks ever
White chicks are insane
Koreans say the N’Bomb instead of ‘uhhhhh’
Miley Cyrus has donkey teeth and that’s kind of what makes her so hot
Sam Tripoli has seen Britney Spears’ hooha
So glad Big Daddy J is back!!!!