Tag Archives: Matt Damon

Show Re-cap For Monday 1/7/2013

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You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

You were ready to get a boner for the show, then we had Sirius XM Fail 2013

Fucking Monday, oh how we all hate thee – you suck shit, Monday. Sincerely, the World. Guess what else sucks shit? If you said the Sirius XM Online player, you would be correct! Neither the new player or the basic player worked today, so unless you were in a vehicle, have a portable player, or can get on ellismania.com – you didn’t get to hear the show. Fucking shit ass, ass shits. Ellis confirmed that there are going to be no replays, at least any time soon. You can send him hate mail if you like, but it’s not going to change anything. However, he might get on the Rawdog Comedy channel for 1 hour by himself before the show to fill the gap. Tully came bearing incredibly late Christmas gifts today! For Ellis, a beanie he had made from the ass skin of babies, which of course is the softest material known to mankind. Ellis is thinking about growing a long-ass ZZ Top beard and increasing the roids. I think… I don’t know, I missed it because of this bitch ass, ass bitch online player. Rawdog sculpted his guns at the gym today, showed off his weird black hair triceps, and possibly may not be wearing underwear. Ellis went to watch some moto this weekend, said hi to some fans, stayed away from Carey, the chick married to that dude Pink because apparently some of his/her friends don’t like Ellis.

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

When suggesting anal to your significant other, do you use the Lou Reed technique?

We got some Loutallica from Lou himself reading from some coffee table book of porn shit, which sounded a lot like my reading of erotic fiction during final calls, except with way more anal topics. I suppose that would make it Analtallica. Slaughter houses are killing live animals at a rate of 1 animal every 5 seconds or so, for 8 hours a day. So if a cow and a butcher both left Chicago on a train bound for New York, what time would they both get there if the train conductor was slaughtered? Would you be willing to spend more money on grass fed beef? I don’t know what that has to do with the price of fruit in Puerto Rico since they’ll still be slaughtered and eaten, but there’s an argument for somebody in there. Lance Armstrong may be contemplating his admission of using steroids, and I can’t think of anyone who really cares anymore. NFL quiz time with Tully, and renowned sports fanatic and Native American, Rawdog, lead off with an accidentally correct answer. Ellis and Rawdog traded mostly wrong answers back and forth until everyone just stopped keeping track of who had the most correct answers, the fans were declared the real winner’s here. Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Rawdog and his sister both had worms when they were younger and had to take pills to shit out a pile of putrid shit snakes. Yucky. He just remembers his butthole itching and feeling something wriggling around tickling his balloon knot and then had to take medicine. How they both got worms is a doggy butthole licking mystery for the ages.

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Prehistoric dinosaur fucking is okay, but a movie about Liberace? No way, man!

Hollywood news, and this time it’s not about JizzCult, it was about pictures of Justin Bieber allegedly smoking that sticky icky (ooh, ooh!) with some Smurfed out rapper named Lil Twist. Tully, best known for stalking Danzig, is now stalking Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale. Once again, he saw their nanny and them some place and is now just working up the courage to say “wassup” to his latest victims friends. Al Roker admitted he straight up sharted his pants while visiting the White House and had to go commando for the rest of the visit. Somebody broke up with somebody, I couldn’t pay attention because the only thing running through my brain was Al Roker shitting his Fruit of the Looms. George Clinton from P-Funk had to fork over the rights to a few of his songs because he owes the man. Matt Damon, Michael Douglas, and Steven Soderbergh had to shop their “gayer than Brokeback Mountain” movie about Liberace to HBO because they were the only people who would carry it. Josh Brolin got bro-rested for being piss drunk in bro-lic and Buzz Aldrin is getting divorced from The Joker and she gets half his shit just like that moon whore planned from the get go. Michael J. Fox is shaking (get it?!) things up with a new show about a newscaster with Parkinson’s – isn’t it funny how life imitates art?

Joanna Angel stopped by the show to do another round of sexy impressions with Rawdog. Instead of Santa and Mel Gibson, this time it was Kim Kardashian (Rawdog) and Lil Jon (Joanna) gettin’ freaky deaky on the dance floor. Final calls time, and once again, we all get to breathe a sigh of relief that we’re not as stupid as the dude that called thinking he was talking to Cumtard and warning everyone about McDonald’s. Another caller tried to pitch him some softballs to make him look less dumb, but he just wasn’t getting it. We’re used to stupid though, after all, we’ve shoved so much shit into your mom’s pussy hole that it’s like a clown car at a circus in Germany. OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 12/14/2012

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It’ll get funny, just give it time and stop looking at me like that.

First, let’s get this out of the way. What happened today was crazy and it makes everyone stop and think. Our hearts go out to the victims, families, and everyone else involved in today’s shooting in Newtown. Humans can be disgusting sometimes. But sometimes you find people who restore your faith in humanity, and that’s just one of the things that help make life beautiful. Now, let’s try to brighten everyone’s day as much as we can, shall we? Rawdog is apparently rocking a Jimmy Fallon hair style today, also known as bed head. Ellis had to call his brother, Lethal Lee, after not being able to remember that old ass thing you hung clothes on outside – a clothesline, or more accurately for the Australian vibe, a hills hoist. How much of the human race is lame? A lot, that’s how much. Tully must have been feeling emotional today as he dropped a bomb and said that he imagines most Canadians are probably not lame. Juggling on a unicycle might take impressive skills, but it’s still lame as fuck, especially when compared to doing wheelies and endos. Rawdog got called out on his mime skills, so he tried to show off those skills by miming the making of an omelet. Nobody could guess it, so apparently the best part of his mime skills is that you can totally tell it sucks shit. Why can’t Shaun White just start promoting white power along with this clothing and gaming product endorsements? Ellis and Tully have seen the dead horse dick that Rawdog is going to have to deal with at the Wreckoning, and they’re not going to show it to Rawdog so he doesn’t get the pre-game jitters.

found_your_pills

Cumtard’s on that weed beer again.

President Obama spoke to Barbara “Piss Your Box Out” Walters and said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “Hey, if the state has decriminalized weed, he’s down with the clown and thinks the federal government should be too.” Mexican drug cartels are using t-shirt cannons to shoot soup cans full of that ditch weed they grow down there, over the boarder for us Murican’s to toke on. Cumtard says he’s still feeling the effects of that weed beer he chugged on yesterday’s show. He ate an entire pizza once he got home and then slept for 15 hours like a fuckin baby. And that is what is awesome about weed, you sleep like a fucking champion! Some transsexual athlete is playing college hoops, and some ESPN announcers got in trouble for how they referred to the athlete. The real problem here is that they were just being mean, nothing they said was funny. Remember that rule, offensive + funny = good to go. Offensive – funny = you’s in trouble, ooohhh! Do teens listen to TJES? Maybe. But who gives a flying fuck about what the teens are doing, am I right? They’re annoying and that’s all you need to know.

you_tried

A gold star for Rawdog if he ends up doing time trials against Tiger Ellis.

PETA wants Ellis to do an ad for them, so ideas about how to torture the Olsen twins flew around the room. Whose defending a man’s right to fuck a horse? Well, a lawyer of course, because like gingers, they don’t have souls. Which is why I love my lawyer, he’s good, real good. We got to hear some unsigned band submissions today, and the clear run-away winner was Laura Clapp, the chick who gave Ellis the voice altamication machine. It was so good, Rawdog went bezerk and trashed the studio. Basically one dude made a shit song in his basement, another dude is in jail, Cookie Monster lost his balls, and then a bunch of shit that was even more terrible Cumtard shitting beer out his ass. Rawdog’s scared of Tiger and bike riding, he’s turning down just about everything in a bet to race bikes against a 3 year-old. His tough talk includes such gems as “I could do it, I just don’t want to” and “I don’t want to race your son.” However, he might be up for some time trials as long as he’s not being video’d getting chewed up and spit out by a toddler.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

You can be a Christmas tree without being gay.

Sarah Jessica Parker’s makeup artist is a thief, she’s been stealing shit here and there. Not to be outdone by a horse’s makeup artist, Tully stole a phone charger the other day. Not on purpose, but still – he stuck it to the man. What have you stolen lately? Russell Crowe is trying to patch up relations with his wife of 9 years who used to bang Paul Giamatti Billy Joel, they were seen together in front of a romantic fire and then she Facebooked and he Tweeted. Awwww. Matt Damon said Michael Douglas is a wonderful kisser, and he should know because allegedly he’s totally gay with Ben Affleck. Alright, time to close this fucker out. To you lucky daughters and sons of motherless goats that get to go to The Wreckoning tomorrow, have fun for the rest of us! Represent like any upstanding EllisFam member would, by getting kicked out! You know how to roll, you’re mom has been getting kicked out of strip clubs since the early 80’s. When she first started hopping up on the stage and got tackled by crowds because people thought she was William “The Refrigerator” Perry. OH!