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Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

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Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too.  Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

 

 

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.

Show Recap for Thursday 1/30/2014

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Welcome to the show of increasingly pregnant pauses!!!! Also known as, The Jason Ellis Show. Why is it the show of increasingly pregnant pauses? You’ll find out soon…just keep on reading!!!

Ellis opens up the show talking about how sometimes he forgets to press buttons, but he also had an epiphany and connected with his daughter, Devin, all because he listened to her singing in the car. He realized that he could connect to her over her love of music, because he, too, loves music and knows a good bit about it, and he is totally willing to listen to pop music if that’s what his daughter listens to and that’s how they can connect. He talked about Devin singing in the car and how she was unafraid to sing A Capella to Rihanna for a solid 15 minutes, and that she did a great job of it. Ellis sings in the car a lot in front of her, but not really in front of anyone else, although he did used to sing in the car with Mummy to the tunes of Justin Timberlake and his first solo album because ‘Cry Me a River’ was good shit then and it’s still some good shit now. Breaking news (but not really) One Direction is a really bad pop group, and Ellis thinks it’s a stretch to even call them a boy band because there is not one redeeming quality of any of them that would make them a decent boy band. Just sayin. All this talk about pop music gets Ellis talking about American Idol. He watches American Idol now. This season the judges include J. Lo, Nicole Kidman’s Husband, and Harry Connick Jr and Katie says that they aren’t using Ryan Seacrest as much as they used to. Ellis likes American Idol because he thinks it’s amazing to see the talent that some of the people out there have, as well as the amount of crazy some people are who are really die hard convinced that they can sing. Ellis also thinks it’s funny because J. Lo doesn’t seem to know all that much about music, and she tends to say things that make the other guys want to call her a dumb bitch, but they can’t call her a dumb bitch because it’s J. Lo and the show is on Fox. Tully isn’t surprised that J. Lo isn’t all that knowledgeable about music because out of all of her talents, her musical ability lays at the bottom. Her being hot is her number one talent, if any of you out there were wondering, and yeah, she’s a better actress than she is a singer. Ellis likes Jennifer Lopez now more than he ever did before, especially since she has been ‘letting herself go’ and there’s more of a real person leaking through the cracks of her carefully tailored facade.

In other news…Ellis is pretty convinced that the new intern, whose name I believe is Adam, is actually an undercover spy working for another radio show sent to The Jason Ellis Show to secretly record and gather intel about what goes on behind the scenes. He also thinks that (probably) Adam is secretly infatuated with him based purely on how much he hates Ellis, because it is hard to hate someone that much without also being a little bit in love with them. Tully isn’t quite sure he agrees with Ellis about this, although he wishes that it were true, and just thinks that Probably Adam hates them, hates the show, and is spending his time texting his friends about the insane shit that the monkeys on the show are doing. But…it might be a good idea to check if Probably Adam is wearing a wire. Someone, quick! Go rip open the front of Probably Adam’s shirt and see if there’s a wire taped to his newly-shaven chest!!!!! There probably is since he’s Probably Adam. That’s my opinion at least. Why doesn’t Ellis check him for a wire? Because Probably Adam really is infatuated with him and he would get too excited, whip his dick out, and start jacking off right there since he has no qualms about masturbating in public as he has pics of himself masturbating in the shower with another dude on his Instagram. Allegedly. Tully hasn’t seen the pic, but Ellis has talked about it a few times. I’m a pretty big IG troll, but I haven’t checked out Probably Adam’s account yet, so I can’t confirm if this picture exists or not, and if it did at one point, Probably Adam probably has taken it down after it was broadcast on the radio. Because, you know, probably.

Back to talking about American Idol related things, for some reason…actually, the reason is that Tully keeps trying to ask a question about it and then Ellis starts talking about something else regarding American Idol instead (it was pretty funny how many times it happened), Ryan Seacrest is fat. At least in Ellis’ opinion. Also, he really isn’t all that talented. Tully describes him as operating at his maximum capacity- meaning that what you see is what you get and Ryan Seacrest will never throw anyone for a loop. Pop Stars most likely constantly interview with him because he is a safe bet and he has never met an envelope that he would like to push. Pushing is mean, guys. Don’t ever look to Ryan Seacrest to ask Britney Spears what the fuck was going through her mind when she shaved her head, or where the bodies of Rihanna’s murder victims are….those are questions that Ellis would ask, and stars like Spears and Rihanna would never be on TJES because their managers don’t want them being asked questions of that nature. Why? It might ruin their careers. Ellis and Tully agree that celebrities should be more honest and that the world would be a much better place is super famous people came clean about things and didn’t have questions that they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be asked. Society tends to put celebrities up on a pedestal and often try to imitate them, so if celebs were more honest about themselves and the things that they did/do/are going to do then so would the rest of the people around the world. Kumbaya-ddayadda.

After calling out Jetta for checking himself out in his reflection in the glass, Ellis talks about how he wants to play Sting Pong and he doesn’t understand why it’s so hard. Why is it so hard? Because Will told Cumtard that in order for Sting Pong to be done properly they would have to have advanced notice and spend $500 of their budget to get an engineer in and mic up the prize chamber. Ellis and Tully are curious as to why there has to be so much hubbub when they could just plug an extension cord into the microphones that they already have and…broadcast from the prize chamber. In fact, to demonstrate how easy that would be, Tully plugs an extension cord into a microphone and goes to ask Will why they can’t do what he is doing at that very moment and have their game of Sting Pong. Hahahahahahahahaha. Funny, right? Ummmmm…no. Not funny at all. At least according to Mr. Will Pendarvis. Will refuses to talk to Tully in the mic in the prize chamber and instead joins Ellis in the studio where they then get into an argument about this whole schmabibble. Like….a real argument. There is a lot of yelling, a lot of reading texts between Will and Cumtard, a lot of questioning what exactly is more ‘proper’ about Will’s way versus their way, and a lot of butt hurt feelings flying around the room, smacking people in the face, and calling them pussydicks, or something. This is the cause of all of the pregnant pauses, by the way, because the dark cloud that descends onto the studio due to what was supposed to be a little pokey-fun haha joking lasts for the rest of the broadcast. Now…I listened to this part of the show twice because the first time it made me feel super uncomfortable because it was like listening to my parents argue over something stupid and listening to it the second time around let me hear it all with a more objective ear…and yeah…I am that dedicated to trying to do a quality recap, guys, but what I gathered was that Will was trying to get across that his job is to be concerned about the sound quality of the broadcast and maybe he was concerned that the mics on extension cords wouldn’t provide as high quality a sound as ones that were set up by engineers (although they sounded fine on my end) but he got super defensive when Ellis accused him of throwing up roadblocks for the show since he states “I fight so hard to tear roadblocks down for this show”. He really didn’t want to explain to Tully why exactly his way of doing things was more proper compared to the Ellis/Tully ghetto extension cord mics, and sounded like he wanted to punch Tully in the face for his persistence in asking that question. Ellis did also get super defensive at one point when he perceived Will to be attacking his bit and that’s kind of the point when the yelling really really started. It all culminated in Will telling them to fuck off and he left the studio….and the building…not to be seen nor heard from again for the rest of the broadcast.

Pregnant pause.

Tully, Ellis, and Cumtard try and talk about what the fuck just happened and how what was supposed to be a tongue in cheek funny haha five minute bit turned into that load of fuck off assery, and Cumtard feels like the prize chamber is gonna be weird now because no one has ever seen Will that pissed off before. Ever. Calls are taken from callers and some people think Will is right and others think that he is wrong. Is Will having a bad day and bummed out about something else and this just rubbed him the wrong way? We may never know. No…lie…we’ll probably find out once Will has had a chance to cool down.

Back from the break it’s time for Hollywood News. What’s in the news? Oh, by the way, Hi Mike Jasper! Anyway…Steven Segal is in the news. No, he didn’t teach another UFC fighter the best front kick of all the front kicks anyone has ever front kicked, he isn’t in the news because he has gotten so fat that his face is eating his eyes…he’s BFFs with Vladimir Putin. That’s the guy in charge of Russia, in case you didn’t know. Why is this a big deal? Probably because no one in any actual position of power in the United States rubs elbows with Putin they way that Segal does and the Olympics are being held there this year. They hate gay people, so, who would want to be friends with them, anyway? But Segal did an interview with Huckabee about how awesome Russia is and how no one should be scared of terrorist attacks during the Olympics because Segal is also BFF’s with the Russian Anti-terrorist task force (and also probably trained them) and he says that they are on top of their game (thanks to him). Speaking of fat people, Rob Kardashian (aka, the least famous of all the Kardashians and also the only one that has been confirmed to have a dong) is in the news for being fat. Really though. It’s some sort of big deal that he’s rich and fat. He’s trying to lose weight and goes to the gym all of the time and there are pics of him leaving the gym and entering the gym and he’s all fat and stuff, which is a shame since he is rich and has the means to not be fat. I bet the fat Kardashian sister is pretty happy that he’s fat since now everyone talks about him being fat instead of talking about her being fat (she isn’t fat, at all, by the way). I don’t know why anyone cares that this guy is fat and I don’t know why this is considered news. Whatever. Lindsay Lohan is also in the news because someone allegedly stole half of her $75,000 fur coat. Fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch for having $75,000 to spend on a fucking coat. No further attention shall be afforded to that bitch from me for losing half of her third-world-feeding coat in a club cause she was probs all sorts of out of her face on drugs. In a sort of extension of Hollywood News, Tully and Ellis bring up Justin Bieber and say that everyone needs to get the fuck over it already. Agreed. Why the fuck should he be in the news for being a stupid teenager? Why are people wasting their time petitioning the White House to have him deported? Tully is right when he says that he is a product of what our society does to famous people. We love building them up and we fucking glory in their messy downfalls. He’s 19, he’s stupid, hopefully he gets some good advice, grows the fuck up, and becomes a productive member of society. Shaq is also in the news because he’s trying to keep his kids off of reality tv, which his ex wife is trying to get them on because she wants them to be on a reality show with her. Good for you, Shaq, kids shouldn’t be on reality tv.

Back from the break they were talking about something but I got distracted by BitPimps because he tweeted me to tell me that Jude gave me a shout out on PillMix and I was excited because…I have a crush on him. When my excitement died down Ellis was talking about fighting some chick in Sumo suits and Kit Cope taking it too far. But then, Tully finally got to ask his question about American Idol, which was, since American Idol has been around for so long are the people who win it now rejects from previous years? Mike Jasper says that yeah, they probably are, because he knows that when trying out for The Ultimate Fighter, there were people who had been there 3 or 4 times already trying out. So…American Idol is basically just like The Ultimate Fighter. At least, that’s what I took away from that. Tully asked Ellis if he watched Workaholics last night, and he did, and he says that it was so funny and he didn’t know that you could do the things that they do on tv. Ellis thinks that if The Jason Ellis Show wrote a television show it would be just like Workaholics, possibly funnier, especially now that he knows that you can do stuff like that on tv. Jasper asks why Ellis doesn’t get a television show like the Dish Network show and Tully asks Jasper why he just doesn’t go fight Chris Weidman on Long Island (hell yeah!!!!) and they’ll call the fight and put it on pay per view.

Next Jetta comes in to help the guys play a game of ‘This or That’ sent in by Betsy, involving the scenario if they were going to Mars to start a new civilization and they could only bring this or that which would they choose….the results are as follows:

  • Katie over Toilet Paper- cause Ellis uses baby wipes anyway you nasty dingleberry mother fuckers
  • Beatles Discography over Metallica’s Discography- cause you just have to bring The Beatles, man
  • Arnold Schwarzeneggar over Sly Stallon- cause Arnold made gyms main stream and Sly Stallone turns every woman he touches into a big pile
  • Chairs over pillows- cause shirts can be pillows and no one wants to stand all day
  • The Burger King King over Ronald McDonald- cause Ronald is basically a pedophile and murderer, the Hamburgler is a dick, and Grimace is fat
  • Gay Marriage over Chad Reed- cause Gay Rights are more important than any one man
  • The Bible over Shia Lebouf- because the Bible would help more people in the long run
  • White People over Mexicans- cause….White Power?
  • Porn over Vaporizers- cause yay porn
  • Condoms over Tacos- cause safe sex is more important than tacos, and you’ll still have fajitas
  • Shrooms over Ecstacy- cause shrooms do less damage to you
  • Blake Anderson over Dune Buggies -cause one type of car is not worth more than one human life
  • Baby Wipes over Deoderant- cause we already have no TP on Mars
  • UFC over Supercross -cause UFC, duh
  • Beer over Coffee -cause people would get too wasted on other, harder liquor
  • Neither Advil nor Baby Pictures -cause no one cares
  • Andy Dick over Steve Gutenburg- cause he would have a better reality show

There will probably be more of this game in the future, because Ellis needs more to work with on Mars than just a Beatles CD and baby wipes.

Back from the last break…Tully calls Ellis ‘Will’ and things get awkward again. There is more discussion about how they thought Will would laugh along with the rest of them, and how twitter and IG are agreeing with Will. Ellis is surprised with the hate they are getting and says that we don’t know what goes on and Tully says that 9 days out of 10 Will would have laughed along with the rest of them and they could have gotten on with the show. Wrapping up the show they talk about some news from around the world, and I missed a couple minutes of it because my app fucked up (wow, that’s 2 excuses for missed shit in one article, damn, I’m slipping) but when it kicked back in they were talking about a couple in England that after being married in the 70s got divorced in the 90s (and continuing to co-habitate) the guy found a younger chick and offered to let his ex wife to continue to live with them as a housekeeper. But, for some reason, she would rather have half of his 13 Million Pounds worth of Net Worth. In the Philippines, the police are in hot water for having a Wheel of Torture in their prison to punish prisoners with, but after Tully and Ellis review some of the ‘tortures’ they don’t seem that bad and TJES Wheel of Doom seems way worse. Wrapping up the show are, as always, final calls, which were truly abysmal tonight…lots of gibberish and gunfire…lots of death…but…not everyone can recap like us over here at NYA, after all. *pops collar*

Things we learned on TJES today:

There should be 4-6 bottles of water in the studio at the start of the show

Alpha Brain (by Onnit) has really improved Ellis’ memory and Jetta should take it

PhunckyTips are groundbreaking

Harry Connick Jr was in ID4 with Bill Pullman, Pullman is friends with the Hawk, and he’s the man

Ellis sang J. Lo’s song better than her, and that’s a fact

Will had a bad day

People in the UFC get 25 Grand if they refer to S. Segal as ‘Sensei’ (probably)

NBA players don’t have hot wives…they have hot girlfriends

Ellis wants to fight Shaq…and he would win

Ellis will be on the Radio tomorrow despite it being Howard Stern’s birthday, because Nick Swardson is already booked to be on the show and he hasn’t seen him since EM9

Mike Jasper would rather have Tacos than Condoms on Mars

If Tully thinks Ellis is right, then he’s right

If anyone was going to punch others today, it would have been Will

Ellis always smells his water because Will tried to poison him once

BitPimps is a cool dude

16 year olds have bad robbery ideas

Ellis is going to go home and punch Mike Jasper in the face

Go to PatriotGuard.org

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 1/23/2014

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Yeah…I’m starting this recap at a quarter after 11 at night, which is a full four hours (with some extra minutes thrown on top like sprinkles…because…everything is better with sprinkles) after the show ended. And, I always post the recap super late after the show. Why? You may be wondering? Well, because I drive around in a truck all day trying to fix shit and it takes me way more than four hours to listen to the show, and then when I get home I have to be a mom because the baby comes home on Thursday and I can’t find it in myself to ignore him after he’s been gone for two whole days and is beyond excited to see Jenny and Daddy…so I run around being the Robin to his Batman, the Craig to his Sanjay, and the Hermione to his Ron until I can put him to bed, cook dinner, and then negotiate rubs with Joe because I want to get this done and can’t his massage wait until after I’m finished typing because I swear on all that is Ho–no wait…I’m an atheist…I swear on all that is the Chubby Bub that if he waits until after I’m done then the rubs will be extra good? Yeah…that’s what I’m getting at. I swore on the life of my kid that I would give him a bitchin’ massage so long as I could get this done first. For you, ellisfam, for you.

Now…to your regularly scheduled programming…

Welcome to Thursday’s edition of The Jason Ellis Show where anything goes!!! Well, for one thing, Ellis’s youth is going- far, far away, as far as he will tell it, for he now has white hair a-sproutin’ on his ball sac. He finds it weird, but kind of funny, and now his balls sort of remind him of Santa Claus. Santa does carry a sack…so…works for me. Jason also says that he thinks that he is weirdly tan for a white guy, must be all the drugs, and that makes the white hair poking out of the flesh of his testicles even more weirdly amusing. Tully, who is not wearing shoes and is laying on the floor of the studio because once upon a time he said that he was going to do that, thinks that ball hair is the single most grotesque element of the male figure. Damn. But he’s enjoying laying on the studio floor so long as he doesn’t look at himself in the mirrored ceiling. Ellis disagrees with Tully about ball hair….as long as it’s white ball hair, because white ball hair is about as offensive as eyelashes. Tully has really light hair on his nuts- a pretty strawberry blonde hue, which is also pretty offensive- and they start talking about selling pubic hair creations on the one site where anything is possible so far as crafting goes- Etsy.

Ellis starts talking about his Porsche that he’s had for about a year now and how he (Katie) accidentally found secret compartments in the doors that he didn’t know were there- because he’s a man and men don’t read manuals, especially when you’re a man who can hardly read anything- and they were chock full of goodies left there by the previous owner, the illustrious Thomas Hayden Church. There was some speak of goodies that are oftentimes held by lanyards which brought Will into the studio in a flurry of lanyard excitement and we were treated to hearing some more from our new favorite one man band HateBean. Will then tells Ellis and Tully how he got a really angry phone call from a Faction listener at 7:30 in the morning about HateBean being played too much on Faction and he was pissed about it and gave the caller another number to call, when we all know that he should have given the caller the information for the website link to the Faction Board of Directors aka the appropriate place to talk about the music that is played on Faction- according to Will. Then Will had shit to do and left the studio paving the way for Tully to tell us about his visit to the dentist this morning. Tully admittedly has horrible teeth and hates going to the dentist and says that usually it’s a big ordeal and doesn’t get the normal order for a 6 month check up and is instead told that he should come back the next month- supposedly to have some teeth yanked out of his face. Ellis tells him that he should get silver teeth, and I agree, because that’s kind of hot. But they should be pointy, because if you’re gonna go for a mouth full of metal teeth, you may as well go pointy and scare me a little. Tully said that the dental hygienist girl was cute and he engaged in some innocent flirting with her (read- he talked about his kid since that’s his go-to small talk, but probably did it with a really awkward grin on his face stretched around that plastic thing they shove in your mouth to keep you from biting the dentist) and everything was going okay in the flirting department until she looked in his mouth and the tide changed. He got a cleaning today and left the office with a sour stomach after swallowing all of the gunk the dentist scraped off his molars and the hygienist neglected to suck out of his mouth. Ew. That’s wayyyyyyyy more offensive than white ball hair. Christian pops up in the prize chamber and he is going to be on the show tomorrow…and for a while today since he’s there and Ellis starts talking to him about HateBean and Will being a modern day Beck, at which point i tuned out a little because Joe spit on me (sort of on accident) and we were laughing about that for a bit. Because for some reason that was really funny, and it’s funnier now since it’s sort of like foreshadowing. For what? Wait and see, my friends, wait and see…

In Hollywood News….Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida this morning, in Miama, for drag racing while under the influence of being Justin Bieber. Or drugs…probably drugs. He resisted arrest, admitted to smoking pot and taking some prescription meds and failed the field sobriety test. He was driving a yellow Lamborghini that he had rented and he and the car that he was ‘racing’ were pulled over for doing 60 in a 35. Fast and Furious that one is. The real reason he got pulled over? The cop wanted to make a dick out of him for doing 60 in a car that can go around 200 MPH and reveal the Biebs for the little weenie that he is.

Ellis is still sick, but he feels awesome today, compared to the death that he was feeling over the past week. The kids are also on the mend and Ellis made an offhand comment about how someone stole his phone this morning and didn’t want to give it back. Wait. What? I’m envisioning a scenario where caps are gonna bust asses when he first says it, but it turns out that when Ellis was sropping McSpiegels off at school this morning a lady outside of the school asked to borrow his phone because she HAD to make a call right that second. Ellis, being the good guy that is buried under all those tattoos somewhere, lent the lady his phone so she could make her call. Let the foot tapping begin. The lady starts walking off and chatting in another language, and Ellis starts walking Tiggs to the school, as they were both generally going in that direction. Enough time for an ’emergency’ phone call to be said and done, but the lady is still talking and Ellis gets the lady’s attention to try and say ‘Hey, this is where I’m going, give me back my phone’ and she goes to follow him into Tiger’s school. Ellis manages to stop her without being all “what the fuck are you doing?” (which is my go-to) and eventually gets his phone back from the lady- who acts all put out about it. Seriously, bitch? But, I mean, this is Beverly Hills, and she was a Beverly Hills lady, so of course she felt entitled to go chit chatting away on some strangers phone and how dare he have places to be and need that phone back!!!!!!! They talk about bitches in Beverly Hills and the surrounding areas and how they have a rampant sense of self-entitlement, which is probably aided by prescription medication, and tend to bump into cars and run over dogs without stopping because, well, your Porsche isn’t even this year’s model you low-life.

Christian and Ellis are the fattest that they have ever been in their lives, which is already sort of kind of untrue because Ellis started the Dolce Diet two days ago and he is already feeling better about himself. Huntington Beach Bad Boy (who popped up in the studio about two and half minutes prior to this) started the Dolce Diet four weeks ago and he has lost some weight, is looking good, feeling great, and shows off his abs to Ellis, Tully, and Christian. Ellis talks about how Dolce hit the nail on the head with the whole ‘eat frozen grapes at night’ thing, which Ellis had been skeptical about, and also texted Ellis a new snack idea consisting of that weird bread they eat that I don’t want to try and spell right now, almond butter, and strawberries. Ellis tells Christian about Tyler Posey being their new band mate and how it’s great because even if TyPo can’t make it for a show, they just need to throw a wolf costume on someone and tell him not to tweet for an hour and all of the bases will be covered.

Back from the break Nick Gullo (@NickTheTooth on tweeeeeter) is in the studio. Do you know who he is? Because I didn’t, but he’s been friends with Dana White since they were kids and he wrote a book about all things behind the UFC scenes called Into the Cage: The Rise of the UFC Nation. Sounds like a pretty interesting book filled with all sorts of goodies that no other press has ever gotten their hands on because they don’t have connections like someone who has been friends with the founder of the UFC organization since childhood. Ellis says it has a lot of really cool photos that he can’t wait to look at later in life when he has some extra time on his hands. Nick the Tooth was a really great guest and if you didn’t get a chance to hear him, my recap will do him no justice, so hopefully you can listen to it on demand. They talked about him being able to pull of the ‘look’ of missing a tooth from the front of his face, lotslotslotslots of UFC stuff including a story about how he fought/sparred/tussled with Joe Lauzon in the actual octagon after a drunken dinner fight between Nick and someone wearing a Lauzon shirt, Dana White’s dark side, the evolution of the UFC, boxing, kickboxing, training, and all of that awesome good face-punching stuff. Like I said, I really enjoyed him as a guest and I could basically transcribe the entire segment, but it still wouldn’t be the same as listening to it. Grappling. He called it a grappling match with Joe Lauzon!! I remembered the word!!! Nick does apparently want a rematch of that grappling match, where he was submitted 6 times by Lauzon, because he believes that he can get it down to being submitted 5 times as he trains and he won’t be hungover next time.

Back from the next break….there is another guest who Will is super excited about having on the show because he loooooooooooooves her. Dillion Harper, is not just any Porn Star, she is the 22 year old Porn Star of Naughty Nanny fame whom Will is absolutely over the moon for!!! During this segment I am basically imagining him as having the heart eyed emoji for a face throughout with his hands clasped in front of him in a plea to God that this moment in his life never ever ever end. Or at least he would, if Ellis and Tully didn’t make the whole experience an absolutely terrible ordeal for him by asking him normal questions that anyone would ask like, ‘what do you like most about her’ .Will says that he likes her eyes and her personality (which really sets my creeper radar off because normally a guy would be like ‘she has awesome tits’ and he’s seriously moon eyed for her to the point where he’s trying to talk about a porn star’s acting ability) but eventually is cajoled by Tully into pointing at which part of her he really likes on a picture. It’s her boobs. Biiig surprise there. Ellis asks to see her boobies so that he can get an accurate idea of how fabulous they are, and judges them to be just about the best boobies in America. And yes, they are all hers.

After Dillion leaves the studio it’s time for a game. With no name. But it might be named What’s in my Box? The jist is that listeners call into the show and choose either option A- to receive a prize, or B- to torture Cumtard. The catch is that you don’t know if the prize that you will be receiving is awesome or awesomely bad, but the torture is guaranteed to be awesome. Callers call, the first prize is a Jason Ellis/RDS t-shirt to the selfish selfish man who would rather have a prize than be entertaining and then Cumtard is tortured by way of eating a bug-filled sandwich, drinking tea brewed by the sole of a random shoe found on the bus, having his armpits simultaneously waxed, having his pubes glued to his face Hitler-stache style, and having Ellis hock a big sick loogie across his face (see!!! there’s the bit that was foreshadowed!). Cumtard takes it all in stride, because he is awesome that way, and describes the sensations of each torture. The descriptions get worse, but more entertaining, as they turn into shrieks and screams which are dutifully narrated by Tully while Cumtard Purell’s his face and neck after being spit upon with the spunk from Ellis’ sick lungs. The last, of I believe 2, to get a prize is Allie, who is 39 and not massive, and she wins a voicemail recording from Jason Ellis himself with background music of Cumtard being shocked. It was a great recording with Cumtard screaming in the background and reached its peak of hilarity (in mine and Will’s opinion) when he starts screaming ‘after the beep’ multiple times, his voice rising an octave with each exclamation. This could be the birth of a ‘freaky sounds’ app.

Ellis’s new book is due out in a couple of weeks and has gotten its first review from Publisher’s Weekly, which Tully has heard of, and it’s a very good review. Tully is happy that they manage to see the true meaning underneath the comedy and so far as Ellis is concerned, he doesn’t ever want to hear another review of his book because that one was so awesome. They call it ‘entertaining’ and Ellis talks about how he didn’t write it- he lived it, which is awesome because it’s kind of a stock phrase for writers and Ellis makes it funny on multiple levels as he did in fact live it, and no, he did not write the book- we all know that Tully did. They get to talking about Noel Gallagher and Oasis and how he did commentary of sorts of videos that Oasis did back in the day. His commentary is hilarious in how scathing it is, how drunk he was the whole time he was shooting music videos, and Ellis and Tully agree that Oasis is cool and so is Noel Gallagher. Back to talking about the book, Ellis wants to do a stunt for the book’s release to help draw attention to himself, the radio show, the book, and SiriusXM, and he and Tully muse about ways to make it happen. The ideal setting, they conclude, would be in New York City (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I swear to Sol that I will fucking be there if this is true!!!!!!) in front of or in the SiriusXM fishbowl where he will attempt to escape an enclosure before snakes can be dropped on him to bite him. They talk about getting press there, creating the spectacle, and getting on tv shows. The show wraps up with them going through the buttons and I seriously zoned out because they were playing sounds for a solid 15 minutes. Some choice commentary during this time includes: “Irish Jazz- the worst of all worlds” “that’s a theme, not a song” “you can hear his dick playing the guitar” “Jetta’s intro music may have been found” “easily Robin Hood’s balls” and “Necro….til I die”. Finally, Ellis announces that they are going to try something new and calls Cumtard in. Cumtard attempts to ahem ::cough cough:: recap the show…and he kind of really badly flops. Sorry Cumtard…this is my gig…on Thursdays, anyway…

here is how it’s done-
Things We Learned on the Show Today:

White ball hair is as inoffensive as eyelashes

Will loves injecting mystery to create drama

Be prepared to suffer the consequences if you as Kevin for a ride home on New Comic Book Wednesday

Will is a modern day Beck

There should be a hidden camera show that revolves around people borrowing strangers phones for as long as possible to see how long they can last

There are only 3 ages in Beverly Hills: young, old, and somewhere in the middle

Rich guys marry 25yo’s because they are just done listening

Huntington Beach Bad Boy can’t pick up a Boston Terrier

Hairless cats are fucking awesome and can relate to humans better since they don’t look like all the other cats

Donald Schultz got engaged (congrats!)

You can throw water into the air in subzero temperatures and it will freeze before it hits the ground (if you’re gonna try, it works best with hot water because the hotter water is the faster it freezes because science is fun like that)

Turn the WiFi up!

Am I gay or not? You decide!

You should never post your own wanted sign to taunt cops on Facebook and then meet a woman for drinks 45 minutes later

Sicilians are black

Sicilians are in the mob

Lubing up before a grappling match is not a good idea

Dana White is Dana White as you see him. No bullshit.

If something doesn’t save boxing soon, it’s going to be too late

Bloody Face is the most distracting thing in the octagon

There is an Instagram TJES/RDS giveaway…go check @wolfmate for details

Dillion Harper is probably not a good driver, but she’s a lovely person

Will’s ex wife doesn’t listen to the show, but she does ridicule him afterward (:/)

Bug Sandwiches taste like sawdust

Raw Oysters make Will vomit like Cumtard vomits for onions

HateBean has a twitter acount. So does Hate_Bean.

If you walk around with your pubic hair, it will be used against you

Oasis is cool

Randomly suggest nonsense, and music video directors will film it

Tully can’t get down the street because David Blaine is on a pole

Tweet @jasonellisshow the music that you want to hear on Faction tomorrow

Go to patriotguard.org

 

PatriotGuard

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/25/2013

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getting_gas_at_the_dentist

Getting gassed at the dentist.

Hello reader, how are you? I’m doing fine, thank you for asking! I just wanted to tell you good luck. I’m counting on you. Ellis went to the dentist today, he’s got numb face and he had to tell the dentist to keep that gas going as they were grinding down his toof. He hasn’t gotten his goldie teef yet, but he was such a big boy that the dental assistant chick gave him some chocolate. He’s boned a dental assistant before, a couple times actually. She had blown out titties but got them shits fixed. Dingo needs his own chair in the studio, a Dingo chair one might call it, that he can get his sweaty hands all over. Dingo cooked dinner the other night and cut his poor wittle finger. He cooked a turkey burrito in a pan and he’s been known to make a lasagna once or twice. What’s that? The show seems different today for some reason, you say? That may be explained by the fact that Rawdog isn’t there, but Cumtard is. Absolutely nothing was mentioned about Rawdog’s absence, so anything would be speculation at this point. I’m sure whatever it is/was will eventually be addressed as that’s how the show (and real life) has always worked. Ellis went to get a massage, had a towel over his face, and when he flipped over, he felt his pee-pee lay over towards his hip. When the massage was done, he got up to see what kind of view was revealed and felt like a creep. But a creep who is packing heat.

190_dollar_pjs

Your pajamas were how much?

Dingo’s wearing $190 pajamas today, for that amount of money you’d expect him to be constantly orgasmic, but he just seems comfortable. Dingo and Ellis have decided to burn their Uggs, which has to be the best decision ever because, wow. Ellis is a bit of a soap connoisseur now and he’s not falling for any of those cheap as soap gimmicks anymore, so watch out Irish Spring! In an effort to get candy, he got some rose scented shit sprayed on him and went around asking people to smell him. Dingo’s just waiting for the soap rash discussion, but that never came. Instead, we heard about a 12-year-old, crying Dingo who got scabies and passed it on to all his friends. Sounds like Wilson got himself a new haircut and a new lanyard and has allegedly been fucking the fat off himself. He reminded the guys that the go kart track that they’re going to Tuesday is having a toy drive for poor people and if you can, bring 100% of a full toy, not 10% of a toy like Kim Kardashian. Ellis and Dingo have been having strange dreams lately, Ellis thinks his is from the Alpha BRAIN and Dingo thinks his is from a RZA week.

feexins

Whenever Cumtard is on the show, everyone wonders what the punishment is going to be.

So this dude in Washington, IL filmed a tornado going straight for his house, tornado hunter’s Tully and Cumtard question the legitimacy of the video, but you can decide for yourself. Ellis got his Porsche fixed (not really, it’s gotta go back) and then somebody hit it, denting the exhaust pipe, marked it up, and THAT is why we can’t have nice things – because people suck. In case you haven’t heard, Cumtard has one of them phone apps out, called Freaky Scenes, and he’s gets more chances to plug it today by answering some trivia questions, wrong answers mean he’s eating some death dealing dog food from China. Let’s just say he didn’t leave the show hungry and you probably wouldn’t know the name of his app if I didn’t just post a link to it. Tully got a call from his bank saying someone tried to use his debit card with a fake ID of him and of course it was in Inglewood because Inglewood is always up to no good. “We live in a world.” ~Dingo Let that one sink in a blow your fuckin’ mind. Ellis will be on terrestrial radio tomorrow morning, on The Heidi & Frank Show.

Hollywood news time, Justin Bieber has perfume or wears perfume or both. Angelina Jolie bought Brad Pitt an island for $20 million. Common man Dingo say’s that’s chump change. Mick Jagger is now a great-grandfather. Jason Momoa has a man cave and invited Ellis to come over some time, even gave him his phone number, so he might be on the show one day – the tale of two Jasons. Manny Pacquiáo won his fight against Brandon Rios in the first ever pay-per-view boxing card from China. Ellis started to talk about his incident with Beacher of Beacher’s Madhouse and Dingo quickly cut that conversation off like someone was talking about murder for hire over the telephone. Seems like Dingo now hates that dude and doesn’t want him to get his name mentioned even if just to say “fuck that guy”, which Dingo did actually say. Nobody knows whats up with that and it doesn’t look like the fans will ever know – and I’m okay with that because I said fuck that guy before it was cool to say fuck that guy. Also, apparently people are mad at Dingo for posting a picture of Miley Cyrus on his Instagram. I don’t really care one way or the other, so I don’t know what to say about that. Ellis got sent some Duck Dynasty shit for his pets and Dingo ain’t about to let anyone hate on that shit. This spurred on some callers who treated us to their duck and deer calls. Oh, and we got to hear “Smoked Out Clit” from Death! Death! Die! and Everlast.

nap_time

How to silence Dingo.

Breaking news, Cumtard did not eat death dealing dog treats from China. After he started feeling like shit and forcing himself to vomit it all up, news on the wire was Wilson had played a dastardly trick and Cumtard actually just ate beef jerky. Wilson, you sly minx! Back to the news of the stars desk, Dingo Dingerton went to the AMA’s, he talked about how just fucking incredible, best thing since sliced bread, Imagine Dragons were. Of course he had to name drop Miley, Rihanna singing “garbldey arrrhhhg I forget” (which sounds like a kick ass song title), Nelly was there giving a shout out to the Lou. Thankfully Shoebox came in bearing gifts to steer the conversation away from “Dingo name drops more people in 60 seconds than anyone would think possible.” That lasted all of 90 seconds before Dingo steered us right back into name dropping thing. Shoebox chimed in with some real talk about wanting to fuck Miley. Then back to Dingo for his obligatory Miley name drop and to let us know he’s been to the AMA’s for 3 years now, again. Eventually Ellis had to tell Dingo to shut the fuck up for a minute so someone else could talk. No offense to Dingo, even though it sounds like it. I just could care less about the AMA’s and hate having to recap about that garbage. More power to Dingo for being in the mix in that world. I’ll have you know this man risked his life once. In the passenger seat of a truck. That was being driven by a professional. In the middle of a dessert. Where other driver’s drive past you and if you’re in serious trouble, they stop to help or call out for help. And where helicopters fly above checking the progress of drivers. HAHAA But seriously, thems jokes. Dingo was getting kind of heated for his terrifying rendition of being the passenger in a Baja truck. And finally, two lepers were playing poker, one threw his hand in, the other laughed his head off. OH!

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Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

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I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)