2014

Posted on June 19, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Guys…i seriously leveled up in my bee-killing skills today. I mean..it’s kind of ridiculous. I’m the Bane of all Bees. I have never felt like such a skilled killer in my life (which is probably a good thing, all things considered). But yeah…I kept those bees away from the Hubbs. Who is allergic to them, not a pussy who is scared of bees. Honestly, I don’t know what he did before i became his helper. A lot of running, presumably. Jobs certainly took a lot longer to get done. The reason I bring this up is because work was pretty busy today, so I didn’t get to take as many notes as I normally would have, so forgive me if this isn’t quite as detailed as it usually is. I mean…I have a really great memory (some would call it scary…actually…most people call it scary- both to my face and behind my back) but there was a segment in the show that was so side splittingly hilarious, that aside from causing me near death by simultaneous suffocation and car crash and causing me to nearly wet myself as I cried…it made me forget fucking everything. A lot of it has come back as I backtracked, so I’m not copping out THAT hard, but yeah…it was that funny. Are you excited? You should be. You should also be slightly sad that you missed such a fucking hilarious segment. Good thing there’s this wonderful site where there are wonderful people so devoted to filling you in on all of the awesomeness that you might have missed. And, oh yeah, Boom.

So…getting into it…it’s sunny in LA and it sucks for you if where you are it’s not sunny and it’s raining where you are, then boo for you. But actually, if you’re listening where you are, then you probably aren’t running around out in the rain getting rained on and that’s good. Or maybe…maybe it’s bad. Running around outside in the rain is a pretty wonderful and liberating thing. Who doesn’t want to run around singing in the rain like Gene Kelly? Ellis would like to…Tully, being the Thespian that he is, has actually played Gene Kelly in a stage play in high school where his high school was rich enough to have it rain on him on stage while he sang ‘Singing in the Rain’ so…fuck you, Tully. Oh, and by the way, if you were listening to The Jason Ellis Show while outside in the rain a few hours ago, you should have somehow known to send Ellis a picture of yourself standing in the rain listening to the show. What was I doing? I was standing in the rain killing bees with ninja like reflexes listening to The Jason Ellis Show. I curse my absence of a third appendage which would have enabled me to selfie while all of that was going on. Sigh. Anyway.

They quickly switch from singing and dancing in the rain that only exists in their minds to talking about Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die and The Jason Ellis Show hitting the road and doing a radio and band tour of Canada because Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die seriously rocks and are like, kind of like a real band and stuff, and maybe they should get serious about rocking if they so seriously rock. Yeah. I write sentences like that on purpose because I kind of love/hate all of you. Just kidding. I love you. And I love those kinds of sentences that fall back and forth all over each other and make you have to pay attention to really get. They are like little word orgasms to me. I know. I’m weird. But there are people out there in the music world talking about how awesome Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die is and asking about Labels and all that rot, and yeah, Ellis and Tully need to get serious about the rocking that they already do and make some shit happen with the band and the show. Around this time Christian presumably is lurking in the hallway or the green room or somewhere kind of visible to Ellis, who calls him in to chat, because, THE BAND, MAN.

No. No, no, no. I take it back. This is not when Christian Hand The Band, Man, comes into the picture. Forget I said anything about it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t backspace and delete him from this wordly existence, because that is so completely beside the point. I cued him too early, Christian is still in the wings, for all intents and purposes, you don’t yet know that Christian is even in the building, he’s still waiting for his first appearance of the day. Because, Horse Force. Duh. And fuck you caller who says that Zebras aren’t Horses. Obviously you aren’t really gelling with the whole Force of Horses. Get lost. Call back and apologize when you can wrap your mind around everything that is Horse Force. Tully brings up, and then regrets bringing up, that he was googling around the internets last night and sadly found that HorceForce.com is totally already a thing, but was surprised to discover that HorceForce.gov was still up for grabs. And he and Ellis agree that the .gov is way cooler, because that’s all like, exclusive and shit. It gives Horse Force some serious street cred before people even know that Horse Force doesn’t even need street cred because the Force of the Horse is that bad ass, because…government. That’s legit. Or, really not all that legit, depending on which side of the conspiracy you come down on. Ellis tells the boys in the green room to hop on that HorseForce.gov shit right away, but they can’t do it, so Tully goes out and the Goobers come in. They banter back and forth for a while and there is some dead air, but it is talked about how Hot Dog looks a little healthier today, which might be because he didn’t smoke a lot of weed today and didn’t drink last night. Points come against him though for his Run DMC shirt (which he, himself doesn’t feel like he should be wearing, but he had no other clean clothes) and makes him look fat. That’s what I love about Ellis. He’s gonna tell you what he thinks. Hot Dog is also totally down to tour with The Jason Ellis Show and the band and walk around stage in some ridiculous outfit and contribute to the stage presence, cause that’s just the kind of guy that he is. CumTard and Jetta are also down to do some touring, which is great, because what is TJES these days without these guys behind the scenes, or in the scene that some of us can’t see anyway, getting tortured and doing some form of work? Tully is able to get a hold of HorseForce.org and Will chimes in to say that he grabbed HorseForce.TV as well, and throughout this whole time Ellis is taking lots of phone calls, because he feels like he hasn’t been taking that many phone calls lately.

Now, now is when we can remember that Mr. Christian James Hand, does indeed exist, because Ellis calls him in to talk about band stuff. They talk about band stuff and about Ellismania stuffs (just that he wants it to be bigger and better and maybe twice a year, nothing about exactly when and where it’s happening this year), and they come around to talking about the Village People and which ones were gay and which ones were straight, and oh my God, some of them were straight? To be honest, I didn’t even know that some of them were gay, and I didn’t even realize that there was a biker involved at all…though I might be the only one. It turns out that in the original group, the Cop and the Biker guy were the straight ones, but they probably had to suck a dick at least once to be allowed in. There was some mention by Christian about Rosebudding which I actually had Hubbs grab my notebook and write that word down (at this point I was driving) because although it is rather disturbing, I felt like it was too…odd to be ignored. Rosebudding is a thing, apparently, that involves a girl taking her anus out of her physical fleshy butthole and another girl putting it in her mouth. Yeah…that’s what I said. I mean…I’ve had so much sex that I’ve blown my box out before (which is super uncomfortable and Hubbs felt really bad about but kind of proud of at the same time) and I really can’t imagine the sensation of being a girl with a blown out ass that is being mouth fondled by another girl. I mean…I’m all for butt-play…but I’m not checking the box on this one, some things are a little too extreme, even for me.

**THIS PARAGRAPH IS ENTIRELY SKIPPABLE IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT E-CIGS***

And, just a side note, there was a caller who wanted to call and talk about how bad e-cigs are for you and blahblahblahblahblah and, fuck you, guy. FUCK YOU. I know exactly which articles that you have read that are making you think that, and those articles are gigantic piles of bullshit strung together with half truths and ‘surface facts’ (read- bullshit that has since been disproven) and fuck you for trying to poison Will away from e-cigs and back to cigarettes. Are you being paid by CumTard? Are you his corner guy? Did you bet your girl that she could fuck another dude if Will won the fight and are having second thoughts about it? Why do I care? Because Me, Hubbs, and Mumma R all use E-cig vaporizers that helped us quit smoking e-cigarettes and both Hubbs and I researched the shit out of them. The ‘bad’ ingredient in them that everyone keeps bringing up is propelyne glycol, which is an additive in fucking everything from medicine to food that WE ALL EAT, and yeah, it’s a suspension fluid that is in Anti-Freeze…that makes Anti-Freeze less toxic if you accidentally ingest it. Yes, at one point glycerol was found in one brand of E-cigs from china, which they traced back to a single CONTAMINATED batch that was recalled, and was found in trace amounts. How small of an amount is a trace amount? You would have had to have gone through 750,000 e-cig cartridges in a single day to attain a toxic level. So fuck you. Quitting smoking is not easy. E-cigs have been a fucking godsend to my family. And yes, Tully, they aren’t just non-tobacco…nearly every brand that produces E-liquids for use in vaporizers makes flavors with zero nicotine in them, it’s just flavoring and either the propelyne glycol and vegetable glycerin because the habit of smoking is just as addictive as all those fucking chemicals for the orally fixated, like me. *****END PSA*****

Back from the first break, Tully lets us know that next Friday, one week from tomorrow, the show will be Live from Racers Edge Go-Kart racing track place!!! Woo-hoo. They still aren’t sure if it’s going to be an open to the public G-rated kind of show, or if it’s going to be a full TJES and Ellisfam event where anything goes, but, they will be there and you know it will be fun. Tully then plays a ‘mysterious sound’ which is actually a recording of a sound that is making people go insane. Apparently there is a Hum that can be heard in different parts of the world by a percentage of the population in those areas that once they hear, they can’t unhear, and it makes them lose their minds. It kind of sounds like a diesel engine in the distance rumbling away, and people lose their shit because of it. Ellis calls bullshit on it for a while, and there is talk of government conspiracies and cloud seeding and weather control, but, I think, in the end Ellis understands that it’s not a sound that happens in people’s heads, it’s a real, actual recordable sound that no one has yet been able to explain the source of, or understand why only some people can hear it, and why the people who are being driven insane by it, don’t just fucking move to a place where there is no report of the sound being heard by anyone. I mean…I know that up and moving to another town isn’t the simplest of tasks, but if it’s to keep hold on the last vestiges of sanity that you possess? Hashtag worth it.

Ellis wonders when they can start that really funny segment that I alluded to earlier and the answer is when Katie gets there, but she isn’t there yet, so they can either play the Etsy Game or have CumTard give a shock collar review of 22 Jump Street. They throw it to the listeners to give a call in and vote, and in the meantime Ellis and Tully start talking about Santa for a reason that I just can not remember. But Tully asks Ellis at some point where he thinks Santa came from and whether Santa and Mrs. Claus were ever real people. Oh, and now I remember that this whole Santa conversation began in the realm of bodily functions because Ellis says that Santa poops Cinnamon. Oh god oh god…it started because Tully brought up a picture he posted to Instagram of a doll sold in some (Asian) foreign country (there are a lot of them, give me a break) that is shavable and has hair in places that no human should have that amount of hair. This leads to buttholes with that much hair, and then white butthole hair in that quantity, and Santa. Ellis thinks that Santa and Mrs. Claus used to be real people who lived a superverylong time ago and loved each other and were goodgood people who did good things and when they died at a very very old age in their sleep, at the same time, they got put back into their bodies by magic and turned into Santa and Mrs. Claus and were given a legion of immortal elves to help them do their Christmas stuff. I thought it was a lovely story, so did Tully, but Hubbs was meh on the whole thing because he is The Grinch. It’s why I love him so much, he’s my favorite color. They never get around to taking phone calls for what to do while they are waiting to do the funny segment with Katie when she gets there…and they go to a break.

Back from the break, Katie is in the studio and it is Half Time so feel your boobies! Why should you feel your boobies? Because if you feel a lump, you have to go to the doctor and get that shit taken care of. Katie has a scar on one of her boobs from where she had a lump removed when she was 14, which was not cancerous, but still…see!!! Check your boobs! She also has another scar on that same boob from when she needed to have a chest tube put in when her lung collapsed. So yeah, not only are Katie’s boobs awesome (I have never seen them, personally, but I assume they are awesome because she is and they are a part of her) but they have awesome battle scars!! And now it is time for the super funny segment. Here is the setup. Jetta discovered a phone app called Speech Jammer that works by echoing the noise in the room around you, including your own voice, back through the headphones, which seriously fucks with your thought process when you are trying to speak. Jetta, Hot Dog, CumTard, Will, and Tully are all going to take turns with the headphones and app on and try and hit on Katie. Ellis tries it out first, and it doesn’t bother him, presumably because he doesn’t listen to anything when he’s speaking. It was pretty flawless and impressive, although I did think that it all came out a bit quick as though he were really focusing on just keeping talking so that he wouldn’t get distracted by his own voice. But that’s it, just spoke a bit quick. Hot Dog was also able to talk completely normal and was told to get out of the studio. Will. Oh, Wilson. Wilson, Jetta, and CumTard…they were the absolute worse. I honestly cannot adequately describe what they sounded like talking without being offensive. It was like they were really drunk, really high, really tired, and hallucinating while talking through cotton balls and marbles right after being injected by Novocain by the dentist. Yeah. It totally threw off their cadence, their actual ability to form words…everything. Words got smushed together, words got left out, it was fucking amazing. I wish Hubbs had composure enough to film me trying to listen to this and drive at the same time in rush hour traffic in New York. It’s kind of a miracle we survived the drive to the next job. I was doubled over, unable to breathe from laughing so hard, some ridiculous noise issuing from my mouth that is a laugh I have never heard myself make before, one hand on my chest trying to make sure I was still in fact breathing, squeezing my thighs together trying to not piss myself, WHILE DRIVING. It was fucking amazing. Like, the most amazing amazing. I was dying. Hubbs was dying. It’s amazing we didn’t actually die. I loved it. You, you reading this, need to go to SiriusXM on Demand and fucking listen to it, and the ensuing segment where Jetta and CumTard act out a scene between two Gay guys propositioning each other where Will decides to also throw his hat in the ring. Oh. My. God. Ellis posted a video of it to Instagram and there is the fucking link if you want a 15 second preview. Ohmygod. Radio Magic History Amazingness.

Back from the 3rd break Tully informs us what we all knew, that everyone loved that bit with the Speech Jammer App. And that’s what the app is called. Speech Jammer. Go. Record yourself being a moron on purpose. He also decides to start a conversation with Ellis about how old is the oldest woman he’s ever been attracted to and it evolves into a quick conversation of why older men are deemed more attractive than older women, and it’s probably biological. Why is Tully asking this? Because there’s video going around the internet of a man in his 30’s who is all about banging really old bitches. Like…grandma and great grandma bitches. And God…my google history is a scary place in my search to get links for these things. Ugh. This guy Kyle has always been in to old ladies, has 6 girlfriends over the age of 65 and is 31. One of his girlfriends is 91. Why do I think that this guy is either a psychopath or was abused by a grandmother when he was really little and has severe issues? Am I being a dick? Probably, a little. But…he’s gonna wind up killing these bitches. I mean, seriously, their hearts weren’t meant to have so much sex with such a virile young guy? Why do you think he isn’t in a relationship with just one? Because just one of these old ladies would never be able to keep up with fucking a fucking 30 year old. Ever. But it does make Ellis think that he should start a service called Ellis’ Angels where he hooks up young horny guys with old ladies who want to get boned, because then everyone is a winner, and everyone is having sex, and the world is a better place because of it. And yeah…I’m one of those people who believe that my parents had sex exactly 3 times to conceive each one of us children, and really, it might only be twice because I may be a product of immaculate conception (how else could all of this funny, talented, gorgeousness be explained?). Yeah, I want to fuck myself to the grave, with Hubbs, not actually fucking myself…but that’s different because it’s me, I make the rules, and I’m fucking beautiful and am looking into becoming a vampire so I can be beautiful forever and I don’t have to make sense…because I’m beautiful.

The last segment that I heard before my app got fucked (of course) was a bit called Celebrity Street Fight where Tully, Ellis, and Katie discussed who out of groups of two would win in a street fight. It was funny and I was sad when my app gave me the ‘fuck you’ of doom because I was enjoying it as we drove home (finally! What a long fucking day!). Some of the pairings were Robert Downy Jr and Mr. T, where Mr. T would win because Iron Man is too pretty and Mr. T weighs 500lbs and it’s all heart, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci where Al Pacino would win because, well, do you know who Jo Pesci is? Jason Mamoa and The Rock, where the fight would be so brutal but Mamoa would probably win because, if anything, being a pro-wrestler for a part of his career would work against The Rock because he would instinctively pull his punches and Mamoa throws axes around all day. Justin Timberlake would kick the shit out of Justin Bieber, and so would James Franco, and Jim Carey and basically anyone except for Andy Dick because, Justin Bieber for fuck’s sake. Brad Pitt would knock out Clooney, Statham would destroy Jackman (but, oh my god, sexy!), and my Sirius popped back in for a second during the debate of Ice Cube versus Jay-Z where originally the bets were on Jay-Z, but a caller named Jason was a former bodyguard of Jay-Z’s and turned the tide, and the wave broke when Katie brought up the whole Solange elevator thing, and Ice Cube was declared the winner of that. Like I said, this is where I lost it, unfortunately, but I can’t be all that sad, because of that segment that was so hilarious it was hazardous to my health as well as the health of those driving in traffic around me.

Things we learned on TJES today:

CumTard wants to be Knighted

Jetta+CumTard+Hot Dog= 1/2 Tully

Horse Hoodies on 5yo little girls is pretty next level, and the future of hoodies

Katie is not the Yoko of Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die

Katie has peed in a hot tub in the back of some rockstar dude’s limousine

Ellis wasn’t bothered when a woman took him and his friend away for the weekend and paid for everything

Will’s in charge of lollipops and finances

Ellis wants to make West Coast Candies with real liquor inside and keep the party going all day long

Tully can see older women being more attractive because they’re more confident

Katie is awesome

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14

Posted on June 17, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just buried in my little paperwork hovel, listening to an endless string of time wasting phone calls and giving price estimates for shit that I could never afford while consoling others about their problems in comparison to mine. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!! TURN DOWN WHATEVER FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU’RE WATCHING, I’M TALKING TO SOMEBODY!!! FUCK YOU DON’T CALL BACK!!! I SHALL VISIT A SUFFERING UPON YOU THAT WOULD MAKE AUSCHWEITZ LOOK LIKE A NURSERY SCHOOL!!!!! So, yeah, that’s how I’m doing today. I also took a shit that I simply cannot trust the size of. It was way too much work and discomfort for how small it was. But fuck me, right, how are you? YOU READY FOR THE ELLIS SHOW?!?!?!?! Well, I hope you caught it live, because the recap is very close second, but still only second. Today’s show got started with some dead air and then some talk about how Orange Is The New Black is kinda stupid, and since I’ve never seen it, it just looks trendy and boring to me, but Donna from That 70’s Show is in it, so if nothing else, eye candy. This basically boiled down to a lot of talk about how trendy shit gets trendy then pointless. Jude was in studio to talk sound bites and how he’s given the show way too many memorable phrases for the Jingleberries not to have a whole page of buttons for him. Somehow, this boiled down to talk about Mike Metzger and people thinking other people are racist. Jude tried to relate his experience with racism and how it’s pretty common in just about every different group, but white people get treated a bit worse cause we actually enslaved several different groups on many different occasions and (especially in America) white is a pretty broad spectrum of people, so it’s not like it’s all the Brits or the Irish or the French, it’s just north versus south of the equator (PS native Americans are still on reservations cause white people are just fantastic like that). Fat Mike from NOFX said it best: Everyone’s a little bit racist. So there, problem solved, problem staying solved, rangers lead the way. There was more talk about racism and I just have to say that human beings are universally shitty in one way or another, every last god damn one of them, even the ones I like, it’s all just levels and when you have enough positives in my book, I’ll be decent to you, and if you don’t then I can leave pretty much any situation I need to in order to avoid you. It’s the great thing about free will and adulthood, personal fucking choice. There was more arguing and Ellis seemed really passionate about it, Jude tried to divert the subject and explain the double standard and how a certain amount of other people’s stupidity just needs to be ignored, but that just kind of brought the excitement level back up to the forefront of the conversation. Some guy (from Alabama) called in to say a certain amount of it is just what you experience and it’s not always just telling yourself not to be a dick. But then he said he hated Don Cheadle because he got robbed by a black guy and didn’t trust any of them for a bunch of years. Long story short, Jude’s point of view, lead by example, Ellis’ point of view, fuck all of them. They’re kinda both right, and both wrong. The world is a shitty place, and harden the fuck up. Two sides of an equally feces covered coin that is worth less than the metal it was minted from. Maybe that’s my own nihilism speaking, but it’s an opinion, which is like an asshole, and I stay away from everybody else’s unless I have a really good reason to be there, cause despite the fact that I’m not a germophobe, I’m weird and I get incredibly freaked out by the thought of poo, like when you’re watching porn and there’s that very slight brown mark on a girl’s ass cheeks when the dude fucking her slips out and has to line it back up again to continue rearranging her internal organs. IT JUST FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE THING FOR ME AND I HAVE TO START MASTURBATING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH, OKAY?!?!!?!?!!?! The guys switched to talking about the class divide and that’s really more of the issue when it comes to institutionalized racism, and I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they will never know the joy of a welfare Christmas, I WILL BUY YOU A GARDEN WHERE YOUR FLOWERS CAN BLOOM!! I WILL BUY YOU THAT BIG HOUSE!!! PERFECT SSHHIIIINNYY AND NEEEEEWWW!!!! Yes, I’m a 90’s kid. But fuck all of that last slew of nonsense, Hyena, the rebirth (remix? I mean, he does work at a hip hop station), September, pre-order that shit. And listen to the Foreally show. And let’s all just try and be better to each other cause some people take it way more personally than others. ‘Kay? ‘Kay………….Kay took my baby awaaayyy, they took her away, AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! Delirium, coupled with a decent lunch and a bloodshart brewing. The fumes in this shop gave the last guy lung cancer, I think they just make me lose brain cells. Which is fine with me, cause for the last thirty minutes I’ve been running through my vast personal knowledge of automotive lubricants in my head for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON at all, and this kind of knowledge drives me a little insane, and yet I relish it, cause it makes me good at my real job, just not the part that requires me to deal with everybody else’s problems and listen to their bullshit and be whined at because goods and services cost money and we won’t take trades of shitty macrame art and are constantly risking our own personal safety lifting their 3-ton hoarder cars up in the air to determine how quickly they need to be trading it in for a skateboard and a healthy dose of get off your ass and do something. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS OUT OF A COMA!!! For the most part, as far as we are told by the media, so that’s great. Long live The Stig. Let’s just take a moment to think about everything that’s happened so far today, and remember that no matter how bad you have it, at least you’re not a hipster. Those people suck.

ON DEMAND!!! It’s pretty much the only way I can finish these recaps!!! SIRIUSXM!!! Quality product. The web player and phone app, eh, not their finest attempt, but the content is fucking fantastic. #ShoutOut to the Backbone, Bryan fucking Cullen. Jason noticed that his twitter seems to be shitty about giving him notifications when people say/ask/harass/call him a fag/aggressive cock sucking/demand things from him, so the guys got to work trying to figure it out. Cumtard has never had that problem, and neither has Tully, so just off the bat they were able to determine it’s probably something to do with Jason’s phone app for twitter (I use Tweedle for android, you can make your own color scheme for it and it doesn’t give you fifty fucking columns of bullshit you wouldn’t even use on the computer, and it’s FREEEEEE!!!!) so they started trying to diagnose whether it was the app itself or just Ellis fault for buying an iPhone (*cough* inferior closed source technology *cough cough*). While they were doing that, Tully found a story about how people in Alabama are finally allowed to have oral and anal sex and don’t have to be wedded to do it, cause the state supreme court finally turned over whatever ridiculous hillbilly superstitious law they had on the books that previously made those a crime. WILSON came in to verify that he has tasted the sweetest fruits of carnal sin under the pseudonym “Phil” and that it was good. The guys discussed their feelings on their kids marrying a “beard” sometime in the future, and Tully has met a few of those couples and there’s a select few that seem to have it pretty good when they do that, and they make the flimsiest bridges, but the most Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous tacos. WILSON suggested that Jason’s twitter problems might be that he’s got his response page set to only people he follows, but Jason dismissed this as nonsense cause he’s not a technophile and probably didn’t realize he set it that way. But fuck all that, cause the guys turned to twitter and the phones to see who out there just can’t do stuff that other normal people can do, like pouring water out of a pitcher, or changing your own oil, or getting the center of an envelope lined up just right to get the address down on it. And there were some doozies, people out there don’t know how to do lots of stuff. Cumtard can’t keep his shoes tied for some reason or another. He’ll triple knot therm, but no matter what, they come untied in a few small steps. Jason can’t do carnival games, but that’s fine cause carnies are basically the gypsies of America and should not be trusted. Tully can’t butter toast unless it’s already kind of liquid. Ellis can’t open plastic bags very well. He also can’t manage remembering that 30 days hath September, April June and November, and all the rest have 31, except for February alone and that has 28 days clear and 29 on each leap year. The guys turned to the phones and got a guy who can’t negotiate swiping his credit card the right direction anytime he tries to use it. One guy on twitter can’t chew gum, but worse than that, Mike in Canada and Michael Tully both can’t do a respectable job opening a carton of milk. A lot of folks can’t snap their fingers or whistle. One lady couldn’t use an electric can opener to save her life (#AmIRight). One guy cut the tip of his pinky finger off on multiple occasions just trying to chop garlic. Some guy couldn’t parallel park and that’s just bullshit. A guy called in to say that he can’t pee when he’s sitting down to take a shit, cause we all needed to hear that this afternoon, but some of his friends stand up to wipe, so there’s that. Some guys can’t do gift wrapping, or put the straw through a Capri Sun without squeezing half of it out. One lady said she can’t use saran wrap cause it sticks to her fingers. Jetta has shy bowels, as does Ellis. One dude can’t open up a fruit cup without spilling out the syrup, and that wouldn’t be a huge deal if he didn’t work at an elementary school. Somebody on twitter can’t brush his teeth without making a huge mess of toothpaste everywhere. One guy called in to tell the guuys that, for the fucking life of him, he can’t open a tube of Pillsbury biscuits withouth them exploding all over his kitchen. Happy birthday Thomas Haden Church. Danny’s brother can’t walk in flip-flops, and some lady can’t fold fitted sheets (which I just kind of half-ass and get into a squarish shape, and since I live alone, fuck everybody) Someone called in to say he can’t drink from a big mouth glass with crushed ice in it, cause he’s essentially a humongous toddler. The next caller told the guys he can’t get off without catching a finger in the booty from his old lady. A couple people on twitter said that they absolutely cannot make themselves burp, when the situation calls for it. Jason has been getting spontaneous boners ever since he stopped his anxiety medication. Someone else on twitter said that he can’t open a bag of chips without exploding the bag so he has to use scissors, and someone else can’t peel a banana without biting the top off first. There was another caller who couldn’t keep AM and PM straight, but if I had to take a guess I’d be inclined to believe he’s an alcoholic. A lady called in to report multiple injuries sustained from trying to take off a sports bra, so bad in fact that she’s had reconstructive surgery for soft tissue damage. Can’t take the cotton ball out of a pill bottle, opening tamper safe seals on things, taking flight on massive hot air balloon hands, can’t open Kraft singles, can’t peel an orange without juicing it, can’t use scissors, can’t take a shit without showering afterwards, can’t pronounce “statistics” or “adirondak”, can’t piss in public, can’t brush your teeth without gagging yourself and throwing up, all of these are things that average people have trouble with, even though they shouldn’t. And you wonder why I complain about humanity all the time?

YOU SIR, ARE A MORON with special guest Anahita Sedaghatfar, the really attractive defense lawyer who sometimes makes appearances on Dr. Drew On Call with Jason. According to her, all persian girls are gonna claim their virginity until marriage, but they’re probably hiding some special tricks that they’ve picked up in their travels of penis. But that’s beside the point, cause today, You Sir, Are a Moron is gonna be extra interesting cause Anahita is there to constantly present the defense attorney’s point of view on stuff. Up first, should parents have a set amount of time they’re allowed to leave a baby in a car? Well, every doctor will tell you no, and that you’re an unfit parent, but of course being a parent is hard work and unloading your kid just to pump gas or put change in the meter is a pain in the ass, so for the sake of real world situations, it’s probably not a big deal. Next, was justice served for OJ Simpson? Well, facts and logic dictate that no, no it was not, but he did get arrested for trying to steal a bunch of his own memorabilia, and the rest of us are paying the price for one of his Dream Team Lawyer’s daughters, who got famous off some black dick and now won’t get the fuck off of every TV channel and magazine cover. Next, what would you do if you saw someone slap their kid in the face in public? Now first, of course, you gotta at least WANT to hit that fucker back, but it’s important to know the whole situation and be aware of your surroundings so that you don’t lash out in uncalled for ways out in the world, but of course, a 3 year old would have to be some kind of Omen child to really warrant that kind of treatment, so stomping a dude out in the milk aisle is probably the right thing to do. Tully on the other hand, has been informed by his kid’s pediatrician that he should be spanking the hell out of Linsanity at every possible turn, else he may rise up more powerful than Michael could ever imagine and will usurp his kingdom of a fully paid off Honda Civic and co-host position at a popular afternoon talk radio show. Next, are black people better at sports? And the short answer is yes, due to genetic culturing during the slave days, however there’s a lot of things we’re calling “sports” nowadays that really don’t require much physical superiority over anyone else, so just for the sake of nomenclature, the playing field has been pretty much leveled. Next, should ladies shave their asses? Yes. If you disagree, well you’re just fucking weird. NEXT QUESTION are you obligated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs as long as they aren’t dangerous or against the law? Well, fucking someone who’s on fire probably isn’t a good idea, but then again there’s probably laws against arson. That said though, it’s only an obligation if there’s legal paperwork drawn up, otherwise it’s just a matter of what everybody involved is comfortable with. And if you’re not comfortable with inflating a pool raft inside someone’s asshole while they sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, well then it’s time to go out and find yourself somebody who likes your own particular brand of strange. Next, when is an acceptable time for a man to lay hands on a woman in anger? And really the only time is protecting yourself or your loved ones from immediate harm or death, but Anahita disagrees with this, but she is wrong and obviously has never had a guy protect her from getting knocked out in public (which is surprising, cause nobody likes lawyers, so it seems like it’s bound to happen or already have happened). Should prostitution be legal? Well, it works well in Amsterdam, but Anahita does not agree with that, under the pretenses that it’s a bad example in our modern, evolved society that still clings to archaic belief structures and institutionalized xenophobia. Somehow, she got on the tangent of how pot should also remain illegal, even though she’s OK with it and has a lot of her facts about the new Colorado weed legalization wrong, as well as about the actual substance itself, but hey, not her field of expertise. I could tell her how to get fucked up sideways in a matter of minutes, but if I needed to beat a speeding ticket, I’d be the one asking questions. Next, should polygamy be legal? And my answer is, only if you’re not doing it as part of a religion. That one guy who claimed it as part of the Mormon faith, then married off a bunch of underage girls, and molested a bunch of kids, and robbed the welfare system for millions of dollars to single mothers, and kept a bunch of people hostage in his mountain compound, that guy wasn’t OK. Folks from out where I live, who just like to mix it up, and have the same friends with benefits as their wife does, shouldn’t be a problem for anybody. It isn’t one for me. And finally, at what age should kids be given condoms at school? To which the logical answer is, flood the entire south with them from kindergarten to 15 years into the workforce. Immersion therapy, the rest of us got the message a long time ago. Let’s take a few minutes to simmer on all that, and get back to it.

You may be shocked to learn that people on social media were OUTRAGED that a little girl who got mauled by a pit bull and is kind of disfigured from it, got kicked out of a KFC because some other customer couldn’t continue eating due to this girl’s appearance. KFC, of course, will not really suffer in the long run cause fast food is the new “too big to fail” banking system, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the whiny customer should have just shut the fuck up and kept their opinion to themselves. A team of researchers used Wikipedia to try and figure out who the most important person in the world was, and you may be surprised to learn that the current pope is only number three, but (according to some formula that requires Wikipedia and a bunch of external web links) Frank Sinatra is number fucking one!!! It’s nice to know that the new crop hasn’t taken over yet with all their stupid bullshit and worthless human beings parading around as celebrities instead of underutilized organ farms. Starfish are liquifying themselves in Vancouver cause they’re probably just fucking sick of existing, as most seaborne creatures seem like they are. But on the plus side, it probably makes a fantastic organic lube, plus you can watch the limbs crawl away in terror as the central core dissolves. A law firm in Massachusetts that was really well known for forclosing on people’s houses, just got foreclosed on!!! CAN YA FEEL ME VAGINA!!! Tully was reading about the school district in Newark, NJ and apparently it’s a shithole out there to the point where sometimes the only books in the classroom are comics, and while it’s a great hobby and they have some true artistic value, there’s a lot of good information that they just don’t have. The guys took some final calls, and as much as I love you all, I got shit to do today, so I’m snapping this one off before it turns into a bloodshart.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 6/12/2014

Posted on June 12, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Have you ever gone to a hoity toity event and been realllllllly under-dressed compared to everyone else who is in a suit while you wear a hoodie and watched some old guy with Ed Harris mostly no hair haircut jump and dance around with some hot chicks to some song that he really liked and thought he was a dickish moron for a minute but then have a life changing thought and just been like, “Wow, that’s a happy dude. Good for you, happy dude, have a great night?” No? Oddly enough, I have, but that’s another story entirely.

Ellis jumps right into it this afternoon on The Jason Ellis Show, maybe because yesterday he cut out early to go get Doug with High and then go to a breast cancer event like the good, caring guy that loves da boobies like he is. After going to the Breast Cancer event that was probably a Susan G Komen event Ellis feels like he wants to do good things to help fight breast cancer, because it didn’t sit well with him that so many women get it and that in the African American community women who have breast cancer are 70% more likely to die from it. Damn. That’s scary. Tully brings up that he finds it surprising that there are so many women who really aren’t on top of checking their own boobies and making sure that they aren’t getting cancer because women are generally more on top of their health as a whole. Which is generally a true statement and probably attributes to the whole ‘women tend to live longer than men’ thing, but Tully then brings up that he has always taken healthcare for granted because he has almost always had health insurance and he feels like he’s wasting money if there’s something off and he doesn’t get it checked out by a doctor because he’s fucking paying for it anyway. Well, therein lies the rub, cause there are a lot of people who don’t have health insurance and going to the OBGYN when you have no health insurance is fucking expensive. And don’t give me that whole planned parenthood/clinic angle either, because they don’t just give away free healthcare either, they go based on your income and there are plenty of people who have an okay income and no health insurance and that means that you are paying a lot of fucking money for preventative healthcare and then you can’t eat or feed your family. It’s a clusterfuck. Ellis and Tully also bring up that it’s important for all you men out there to pay attention to your bodies and check your boob area (because men get breast cancer too) and their ball sac because…if you aren’t checking your balls for lumps or if you don’t notice a lump on your balls basically as soon as it happens…what the fuck are you doing all day? Seriously?!!!! This is why women should play with their boobs while they masturbate or while they’re having sex…it’s dual purpose happy fun sexy time and making sure you’re all good in the hood. Hell yeah. Ellis used to think it was weird when girls played with their boobies during sex acts, but he’s alright with it now, and Tully has alllllllways thought it was a good thing because he learned all that he needed to know about sex in his formative years from 80s porn and 80s movie fake sex. Personally…I know my boobies are all kinds of good because I’m a big fan of playing with them and touching them. Not just during sex or if i happen to be masturbating. I am known to randomly, throughout the day to stick my hands in my shirt and give them a good caress. Because I am a hot, sexy, bitch. And, yeah, Hubbs has actually had to remind me that people can see me and to try not to do it too much in front of customers because they might get the wrong idea. Oooops. But, also, you’re welcome. And, hey, if you aren’t in the position to do pushups during Half Time on the show, do yourself a favor and feel yourself up and make sure that there are no lumps and bumps where there shouldn’t be.

Quick shoutout to Mike In Canada and his dad, by the way, who had a 22lb mass of cancer removed three days ago and is doing well and the doctors are giving the thumbs up. That’s awesome. That’s some pretty serious shit. 22lbs. That’s bigger than a newborn. That’s like a decent sized 3 month old. Glad all is well Mike in Canada and Dad, and I know I’ll be sending some good vibes your way to ensure a speedy post-surgery recovery, and I’m sure a lot of Ellisfam is going to be good-vibing you guys as well.

Aside from being busy donating money to Breast Cancer research and taking amusing photo booth pictures with his hot girlfriend Katie, yesterday, Ellis was Getting Doug with High. So Doug with High, in fact, that he left the show early to do it. He has a steady 50 minute smoke-fest with Host Doug Benson and fellow guest Sam Tripoli….who does not smoke weed. And they apparently were ripping pretty hard and that made Ellis talk too much and make fun of Sam’s haircut a bit too hard, but Ellis had a good time and that’s what matters. I didn’t watch any of it, but Tully played a clip of when a magician with a googly eye came round to do some magic tricks and it sounded pretty funny. Ellis was able to call bullshit on two of the guys tricks, but didn’t know how the third one worked, so he said that one was ‘pretty good’. He also apparently caught some flack from people for how he approached the fact that the magician guy had a googly eye…because he did it in his very unabashed straight forward manner that we have all come to know and love. But…how else was he supposed to react to it? He would have asked the guy about it anyway, and he was high on top of it, so…why not just go for it? It’s better than him trying to pretend that it didn’t exist. He said that he talked to the guy…whose name started with a G but I managed to not write down, and the guy liked Ellis and they were cool and fuck all the haters who hate Ellis for being the guy that he is. Boom. Sam got progressively more quiet as the show went on and managed to not talk at all past one point, but I kind of remember Doug Benson saying that it happened with more people than you would think when they came on the show, because it all of a sudden hits them that they are smoking weed in front of the cameras and that shit used to be Hella Illegal everywhere, instead of just the mostwheres that it’s illegal now.
Goodtimes. Goodtimes.

Moving right along, there was a quick mention of the fact that Ellismania 10 might be on the East Coast, at which point twitter exploded, but there was much more focus on the fact that TJES will be at Racer’s Edge for another round of Go-Karting on Friday 6/27 and there is something that occurs to me is important about that date that I should probably remember…but I can’t remember and hopefully I remember before the time comes around. Hmmmm…shit….this is going to bother me really bad. But yeah, there is going to be some more go kart action and hopefully this time Tully won’t get a speeding ticket on his way there turning him into a top contender for the Vagisil 2001 race…even though I guess he would kind of have to be in that race anyway, right? There are a bunch of people already signed on to participate in the Ellis-Karting including Moto enthusiast Greg Fitzsimmons, Andy Dick, Dingo, Christian Hand, Frank Kramer (Heidi and Frank), and…schedule permitting- Kenda Perez and her fabulous bouncing boobies. They get drawn back to the subject of boobies because they want to see bouncing boobies in go-karts and possibly give Kenda Perez a free and friendly pseudo professional breast exam, and the only names that really get brought up are Sam Rubin (but Will’s boobs are bigger than his) and the Porn Star Elizabeth Star, but her boobs are killing her already without the added help of bouncing go-karting and potential crashes (not to mention the innocent bystanders who might be taken out as well).

The one thing that Ellis didn’t get to do last night was watch Hockey and see The Rangers beat the fucking Kings. Finally. Don’t tell me that The Kings are the better team, I’ve been a Ranger fan since i was four fucking years old and i am well aware that The Kings are an all-around better team and I know that 98% of the reason The NYR are even in the Stanley Cup Finals is because of King Henrik…but FUCK YEAH! TAKE THAT! BOOM! THAT WHOLE GAME WAS A FUCKING CIRCUS!!! I’m kinda sad that Ellis missed it because it was a very exciting game and I know that he’s trying hard to get on board with Hockey and he’s enjoying it, but there was a lot more scuffling in the game last night and two players even got penalties for said scuffling. I think he would have enjoyed it. There was a lot of talk about how the Rangers prolly won’t come back to win The Cup all during which I was yelling at the radio because I am a Ranger fan and I will go down yelling at the radio because if i don’t believe that the Rangers can make a comeback and beat those fucks out in LA (sorry…really nothing personal) then there is no chance of it happening. I truly believe this. Make fun of me all you want. If i could grow a beard, I would have a beard. Hubbs and I shall be wearing the same jersey’s tomorrow night, and I forbade his dad (who watched the game with us and is therefore now included in all superstitions) tfrom trimming his beard. Boom. Let’s go Rangers. We want The Cup.

What Ellis did manage to watch last night was Magic Mike, because, why the fuck not. It actually came down to ‘Well, it’s on television and it’s not bad enough for me to change the channel so…’. And Ellis really didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, and that turned into a whole shebang that I’m pretty sure most listeners didn’t want to hear. At all. Yeah. I saw the movie when it came out because all the girls are work wanted to drool over PermaDumbface Tatum and I find McConaughey sexy enough to be convinced to go along with them…and it was amazing and horrible all wrapped up into a movie about mostly naked guys. Tully tells Jason that Magic Mike was Channing Tatum’s baby because Channing Tatum used to be a male stripper…and there was lots of talk about strippers and stripping and judging from my twitter feed…basically none of you wanted to hear it. So…I will nutshell it to- It would probably be really bad for there to be a male fan strip contest at Ellismania 10, because…yeah.

Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news where there’s kicks and punches and arm bars and all sorts of things going on and people taking TRT. Which is the real issue here. The Nevada State Commission of people who make things more difficult for older fighters to fight have made using Testosterone Replacement Therapy an illegal thing in the UFC and that’s eliminated people like Vitor Bellafor unable to fight anymore because it’s not easy to get off TRT when you need it…and you can’t really get that shit unless you need it. Most recently in the news, Chael Sonnen has also been banned for using the TRT (actually for using things to try and get off of TRT). Ellis is kind of behind Sonnen because the fighter is owning up to using the drugs and not contesting the fact that the drugs were found in his system. That’s called taking it like a man, ladies and gentleman. It’s sad that we are having to say goodbye to some MMA greats because of these new rules and because there was nothing written in to the rule that allows the fighters a period of time to get off of the stuff, but there are a bunch of exciting new up an comers in the UFC and MMA that we’ll be able to watch for years to come.

Now for some Hollywood News!!!! Who Cares??? I dunno…but there are people out there who care about things like Halle Barry having to pay her ex $16 Grand in child support/spousal support, so I’ll take the time to mention it. That’s a lot of money, but she’s in the new X-Men movie, so she can probably spare it with the change in her pocket at the end of the day. Either that, or we can look forward to a good decade of Halle Barry and Nicolas Cage movies that are gloriously horrible. In other Hollywood News, Master P has lost custody of 4 of his children to ex wife Sonia Miller. He didn’t show up for a court date related to the child custody case in a misguided attempt to dispute the custody case which he alleges was brought against him due to his ex’s greedy need for money to support her party habits, when in reality, he probably should have tried showing up and exposing the ex for her booze-hound ways. More kids of celebrities in the news are the late Michael Jackson’s progeny Paris, Blanket, and Prince (who may not actually be his children by birth and are more likely babies brought from Russia) who get a yearly allowance based on the worth of Michael Jackson’s Estate (which is only making more and more money since he died) and that allowance has risen from 5 million per child, per year, to 8 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS PER YEAR, PER CHILD. HOLY FUCKNUTS. I can’t. I just can’t. What do they do with this money…whatever they want, basically, those lucky lucky kids. Damn. Damn. Damn. I can’t talk about this. Can I have an 8 Million Dollar allowance? I mean…even if it’s only a one time allowance? I’m pretty sure I can get some mileage out of that. Sigh. In some other Hollywood news, R. Kelly’s 14 year old child recently came out to the public as Transgender (female to male) and it’s reported that R. Kelly hasn’t spoken to him or doesn’t even know about it. Ellis decides to reserve judgement until it come’s from the horse’s (R Kelly) mouth, and that’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with, especially considering the Hip Hop Scene (I feel soooooo lame saying that for some reason) and their general feelings toward the LBGT community. There is some talk about how Ellis or Tully would cope with a child who comes out as Transgender at such a young age, because once you get into surgery there’s no coming back from that and that’s a pretty drastic undertaking for someone who isn’t a legal adult. But, in the same breath, forcing a child to go through puberty and develop sexual organs that they don’t feel like they should have could be pretty psychologically damaging. That’s pretty tough. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d never try and interfere, I guess, with how my child perceives him or herself, but surgery…man…that’s tough. The only person I know going through the transition is my age (27) and has been living male probably since we were around 18 or 19…but is still in the process of having the surgery. And that’s a lot for him to deal with as an adult…so…being young like that…ugh. Ugh. Life is confusing, guys. And also, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that water has feelings. Ha. Good thing she’s hot.

Time for Half Time! Push ups and Breast Exams!!! and a break!!!

Back from the break there is some pot news!!! There is now a cannibis oil infused lube that gives woman a sexy kind of high because vag’s have super absorby membranes and HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THIS VERY SITE, NO YOU ARE, GOT A SWEET SHOUT OUT FROM TULLY!!!!! All thanks to the Bitpimps, who was conversing with Tully to get a copy of the Jason Ellis Skateboarding Game for the site, which led Tully to register Tweetagram.com aka THE Holy Trinity of Social Media on the Internet (maybe) and yeah…that shout out happened and I was all #boom and felt cool that the wonderful guys here like me and asked me to write for them and I got all nostalgic over my fifteen minutes of fame one year ago in August where my blog was read on air and the warm fuzzies ensued…and I’m really so happy to be a part of something like this. I get to write, I get to interact, I get to hang out with the cool kids…it’s a pretty sweet deal. Thanks guys!!! Hi Tully, if you’re ever reading this, I want to be your friend and talk about books and writing and shit and be lame and annoying and have nothing to say to you regarding Hair Metal, but plenty about babies and marriage and stuff. *waves frantically like a geek*

Okay..so…where is Chad Mendez? Who is Chad Mendez? What’s going on with Chad Mendez? Chaz Mendez is an MMA fighter in the same camp as TJ who was on either last week or the week before (aka The Guy who one punched his way right past Ellis’ punch pad record) and gets trained by Duane to kick better ass in the Octogan. And…at this point I was only half listening to the show because my kid is home and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him last weekend while Hubbs and I were in Jersey so I allowed myself to be super distracted by him and his cute tales of his life since I last saw him (he was asleep by the time we got home Sunday, Monday, and fricking Tuesday :( ) and I’m kind of over the whole let’s have a fighter on to talk about fighters because I feel like every other show one or two is on and all it really says to me is that Ellis is really itching to get back to training…but the major points I pulled out were that he is slated to fight Jose Aldo, the champ, who has previously knocked him out, but he has been training hard and getting better and Jose Aldo has kind of plateaued, everyone at the camp has known each other for a long time because they mostly came up through wrestling and that’s a pretty small community, their gym is awesome, Ellis is going to go to the gym, he’s fighting Jose Aldo at UFC 176 on August 2nd, and some fat guy tried to fight him in a bar once and Chad slapped him and told him to sit down. He can jump super high, has a girlfriend, didn’t punch the pad, and would not kill Ellis’ parents dressed up as a bear, but maybe as a Cougar.

There was another break and my sirius got a little weird for a minute, and when it popped back in Ellis had mentioned something about Joel and Benji and it took me a minute to figure out what they were talking about, but it had to do with the paparazzi and the private lives of celebrities and TMZ being crazy and paparazzi being sleazy and the whole pedarazzi thing and then the show went out with a don’t die question of ‘If you were 12 years old and had 8 million dollars a year to blow through, what would you do?’. And you know what? A whole lotta callers would want to be Batman. Who the fuck wouldn’t?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully is on top of his nuts

Ellis wants to bang an Oil Miner, Crossfit Champ, and Tennis Player

Twitter is 50% fake outrage

It’s fun to fuck with Same Tripoli

McConaughey had to lean back real hard in Magic Mike to make his abs pop

Girls are basically dudes…we’re just better at diguising it

Blanket Jackson should be referred to as Bill from now on

Liz Taylor’s Vergina (Tullyism) has been closed for years

You’d cry too if you were being ‘healed’ by a moron

Petite Mousey Girls are hot

My son just told me that he misses me every second that I’m not around and I had one of those ‘I love you so much I might die’ moments…so I’m gonna go be a mom for a while. Love you ellisfam!!!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

Posted on June 11, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.

The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.

The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.

In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/9/2014

Posted on June 9, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Drunk Dingo at Diddy Jr’s party.

Welcome (English), ulihelisdi (Cherokee), bienvenue (French), herzlich willkommen (German Gaper). It’s another Monday recap with your bestie-cakes, me! Okay, so maybe we don’t know each other well enough to best friends, but we can change that – and that’s change you can believe in! Ellis is super excited to be here today, things are looking great for him because he feels like he’s got 7 million balloons tied to his pants, he feels light. And he’s excited to make all kinds of money and move in next to rich fuckers and ruin their days. Haircuts. Ellis had a bowl cut when he was young, it almost turned into a bob. Guess which younger, male, Ellis is not allowed to have a mohawk or a shaved head? Hint, his name rhymes with Liger Tee. Dingo was at Diddy’s son’s birthday party on Thursday and got wasted and isn’t sure what he said, but he knows he let loose. He was there getting blasted with basically just the family, minus Puff – he didn’t show up until way later. Everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Diddy Jr. and cracker-ass Dingo couldn’t clap in rhythm with everyone else. Speaking of singing Happy Birthday, Tully and his son sang Happy Birthday to Mrs. Tullywong. It was just as embarrassing because it’s just 1 adult and 1 toddler singing. Speaking of toddlers, Ellis and Katie went to a gay pride parade on Saturday. There was a whole lot of talk about dudes fucking dudes, supposed 24 hour anti-AIDs pills, and pubic hair, more than I will bore you with. Basically, it sounds like it was exactly what you might expect it to be. FABULOUS!

How I picture Kenda when Ellis is hitting on her.

Will’s still faithfully training for his fight with Cumtard, straight up in his shorts and ready to rock’em sock’em by the time Ellis gets to the gym. Which begs the question, does Cumtard even know about the Madden brothers and the X-Games? Just go with it man, segue’s be damned! So that gracefully leads us into Kenda Perez on the horn and not hung over to talk about the UFC. She was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for the fights, she even hit up a bar to watch, but not participate in line dancing. She smelled all kinds of that sticky icky green skunk bud in her hotel, and apparently Dingo thinks that means a smell of sex and not pot marijuana. Tully was in Albuquerque once, his room had bullet holes in the door and a duct tape repair job on the toilet, so we’re talking upscale shitting here. Anyway, some people fought during UFC Fight Night and apparently there was some whack-a-doody stuff that went down, but honestly, I’m just not feeling it so you’re gonna have to go look on the lines yourself to find out what all happened. So Dingo practiced his American accent with some “cheeseburger” and “cheese steak” drops. He’s about halfway there to an American accent, needs practice. He doesn’t get most of our National Anthem either, until it gets to the “live free” part. Again, just go with it, I think he’s mixing up the song with the Die Hard movie. So everyone on the show is trying to watch hockey a lot more, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t – but hey, at least they’re trying. Tully likes it when the guy skates behind the other teams goalie and everyone’s all like “ooooohhh, which was is gonna go, is going left, is he going right, nobody knows!” And Ellis likes it when the guy passes behind his back and people fake fall. Dingo just likes the National Anthem, you know the part.

Ermahgerd! It’s sherk ners!

Wolfknives members, you wanna choose some music? You can still send in some picks for songs to be played – so there’s that. You’re probably not gonna get 311 played, but you can try, you dick. Shark news time, directly from the ocean. Scientists were puzzled by a 9 foot great white shark that got eaten. Turns out, it wasn’t a fucking Kraken or Godzilla, it was a colossal cannibal great white shark that ate it. BOOM! I break news and hearts, y’all! Also, the Loch Ness monster is full of shit, man. Hey, some how you can win a download code the new Linkin Park album for something or another, and the upcoming UFC fights, I don’t think you have to do anything for it, it’s just how Ellis feels at the moment. So good luck with that! It’s time for some history lessons with Ellis and Dingo. 20 years ago, the “Hollywood Madame” was arrested, who was she? She was a coke ho, she had a book, she showed everybody her black book of ho’s, and dick sizes. That last part might not be correct, but let’s not mince cocks here. On June 8th, 632 AD, Muhammad the Barbarian died, he started a religion, not cheeseburgers. Ronald Reagan was a movie star, became a politician, and he invented Star Wars but gave Lucas the rights to it, and Marilyn Monroe was his bastard child because Presidential loads were flying all over the place back then. The 19th amendment was passed to give black people a mule and some acreage since we treated them like shit. Some good movies came out in 1989, but the crackdown on drugs came to hardcore fruition in Tiananmen Square and unless you were in a strong relationship, you could only have 1 child, also California rolls were invented. Babe Ruth invented the candy bar, he was a drunk, beat his wife, and slept with everybody. He was the fattest person to point at the sky and hit a ball right up the sun’s ass. Deep throat, he worked for the FBI, knew the secret to awesome blow jobs, and shared that information and gave free demonstrations, and that’s where Tommy Lee Jones got all wrinkly. Amy Fisher was an ice skater, she broke some hot Asian chick’s legs, and then got shot in the face with some fat dudes load. Brothers Lewis and Clark were boat enthusiasts that flew around the world and made shoes. They’d buy Chinaman and trade them for blacks, 2 for 1, it was a fucked up time around the Louisiana Purchase era. Is your head spinning from all this very factual information in this history lesson? I know mine is! See, who says learning can’t be fun?

So remember how Tully mentioned he, Will, Cumtard, and Jetta all invested $20 each of their own money into the show? It was revealed today they got on fiverr.com and paid for people to do make things to help promote the show. None of them were worth $5, much less the time it took to send an email. Well, maybe the chick singing Who Let The Dogs Out, that might of been worth the $5. Sounds like maybe this $10 game Tully had made might also be the best thing made and represents the show better than all the other stuff. This brought us to final calls and the question, what would you do if you had a “Get out of AIDs free” pill for 12 hours. Apparently Rik Mayall from “The Young Ones” died at the age of 56, that show was fucking great, so that sucks. And on that note, I have a massive headache, so I’m done staring at this screen. Don’t die!

Bonus: Here’s @McKaI86 pretending to be Bane and talking about TJES.

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Bonus #2: “The Party”

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Jetta

Show Recap for Thursday 6/19/2014

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14

Show Recap for Thursday 6/12/2014

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/9/2014