Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.
The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.
The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.
In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,