Have you ever gone to a hoity toity event and been realllllllly under-dressed compared to everyone else who is in a suit while you wear a hoodie and watched some old guy with Ed Harris mostly no hair haircut jump and dance around with some hot chicks to some song that he really liked and thought he was a dickish moron for a minute but then have a life changing thought and just been like, “Wow, that’s a happy dude. Good for you, happy dude, have a great night?” No? Oddly enough, I have, but that’s another story entirely.
Ellis jumps right into it this afternoon on The Jason Ellis Show, maybe because yesterday he cut out early to go get Doug with High and then go to a breast cancer event like the good, caring guy that loves da boobies like he is. After going to the Breast Cancer event that was probably a Susan G Komen event Ellis feels like he wants to do good things to help fight breast cancer, because it didn’t sit well with him that so many women get it and that in the African American community women who have breast cancer are 70% more likely to die from it. Damn. That’s scary. Tully brings up that he finds it surprising that there are so many women who really aren’t on top of checking their own boobies and making sure that they aren’t getting cancer because women are generally more on top of their health as a whole. Which is generally a true statement and probably attributes to the whole ‘women tend to live longer than men’ thing, but Tully then brings up that he has always taken healthcare for granted because he has almost always had health insurance and he feels like he’s wasting money if there’s something off and he doesn’t get it checked out by a doctor because he’s fucking paying for it anyway. Well, therein lies the rub, cause there are a lot of people who don’t have health insurance and going to the OBGYN when you have no health insurance is fucking expensive. And don’t give me that whole planned parenthood/clinic angle either, because they don’t just give away free healthcare either, they go based on your income and there are plenty of people who have an okay income and no health insurance and that means that you are paying a lot of fucking money for preventative healthcare and then you can’t eat or feed your family. It’s a clusterfuck. Ellis and Tully also bring up that it’s important for all you men out there to pay attention to your bodies and check your boob area (because men get breast cancer too) and their ball sac because…if you aren’t checking your balls for lumps or if you don’t notice a lump on your balls basically as soon as it happens…what the fuck are you doing all day? Seriously?!!!! This is why women should play with their boobs while they masturbate or while they’re having sex…it’s dual purpose happy fun sexy time and making sure you’re all good in the hood. Hell yeah. Ellis used to think it was weird when girls played with their boobies during sex acts, but he’s alright with it now, and Tully has alllllllways thought it was a good thing because he learned all that he needed to know about sex in his formative years from 80s porn and 80s movie fake sex. Personally…I know my boobies are all kinds of good because I’m a big fan of playing with them and touching them. Not just during sex or if i happen to be masturbating. I am known to randomly, throughout the day to stick my hands in my shirt and give them a good caress. Because I am a hot, sexy, bitch. And, yeah, Hubbs has actually had to remind me that people can see me and to try not to do it too much in front of customers because they might get the wrong idea. Oooops. But, also, you’re welcome. And, hey, if you aren’t in the position to do pushups during Half Time on the show, do yourself a favor and feel yourself up and make sure that there are no lumps and bumps where there shouldn’t be.
Quick shoutout to Mike In Canada and his dad, by the way, who had a 22lb mass of cancer removed three days ago and is doing well and the doctors are giving the thumbs up. That’s awesome. That’s some pretty serious shit. 22lbs. That’s bigger than a newborn. That’s like a decent sized 3 month old. Glad all is well Mike in Canada and Dad, and I know I’ll be sending some good vibes your way to ensure a speedy post-surgery recovery, and I’m sure a lot of Ellisfam is going to be good-vibing you guys as well.
Aside from being busy donating money to Breast Cancer research and taking amusing photo booth pictures with his hot girlfriend Katie, yesterday, Ellis was Getting Doug with High. So Doug with High, in fact, that he left the show early to do it. He has a steady 50 minute smoke-fest with Host Doug Benson and fellow guest Sam Tripoli….who does not smoke weed. And they apparently were ripping pretty hard and that made Ellis talk too much and make fun of Sam’s haircut a bit too hard, but Ellis had a good time and that’s what matters. I didn’t watch any of it, but Tully played a clip of when a magician with a googly eye came round to do some magic tricks and it sounded pretty funny. Ellis was able to call bullshit on two of the guys tricks, but didn’t know how the third one worked, so he said that one was ‘pretty good’. He also apparently caught some flack from people for how he approached the fact that the magician guy had a googly eye…because he did it in his very unabashed straight forward manner that we have all come to know and love. But…how else was he supposed to react to it? He would have asked the guy about it anyway, and he was high on top of it, so…why not just go for it? It’s better than him trying to pretend that it didn’t exist. He said that he talked to the guy…whose name started with a G but I managed to not write down, and the guy liked Ellis and they were cool and fuck all the haters who hate Ellis for being the guy that he is. Boom. Sam got progressively more quiet as the show went on and managed to not talk at all past one point, but I kind of remember Doug Benson saying that it happened with more people than you would think when they came on the show, because it all of a sudden hits them that they are smoking weed in front of the cameras and that shit used to be Hella Illegal everywhere, instead of just the mostwheres that it’s illegal now.
Moving right along, there was a quick mention of the fact that Ellismania 10 might be on the East Coast, at which point twitter exploded, but there was much more focus on the fact that TJES will be at Racer’s Edge for another round of Go-Karting on Friday 6/27 and there is something that occurs to me is important about that date that I should probably remember…but I can’t remember and hopefully I remember before the time comes around. Hmmmm…shit….this is going to bother me really bad. But yeah, there is going to be some more go kart action and hopefully this time Tully won’t get a speeding ticket on his way there turning him into a top contender for the Vagisil 2001 race…even though I guess he would kind of have to be in that race anyway, right? There are a bunch of people already signed on to participate in the Ellis-Karting including Moto enthusiast Greg Fitzsimmons, Andy Dick, Dingo, Christian Hand, Frank Kramer (Heidi and Frank), and…schedule permitting- Kenda Perez and her fabulous bouncing boobies. They get drawn back to the subject of boobies because they want to see bouncing boobies in go-karts and possibly give Kenda Perez a free and friendly pseudo professional breast exam, and the only names that really get brought up are Sam Rubin (but Will’s boobs are bigger than his) and the Porn Star Elizabeth Star, but her boobs are killing her already without the added help of bouncing go-karting and potential crashes (not to mention the innocent bystanders who might be taken out as well).
The one thing that Ellis didn’t get to do last night was watch Hockey and see The Rangers beat the fucking Kings. Finally. Don’t tell me that The Kings are the better team, I’ve been a Ranger fan since i was four fucking years old and i am well aware that The Kings are an all-around better team and I know that 98% of the reason The NYR are even in the Stanley Cup Finals is because of King Henrik…but FUCK YEAH! TAKE THAT! BOOM! THAT WHOLE GAME WAS A FUCKING CIRCUS!!! I’m kinda sad that Ellis missed it because it was a very exciting game and I know that he’s trying hard to get on board with Hockey and he’s enjoying it, but there was a lot more scuffling in the game last night and two players even got penalties for said scuffling. I think he would have enjoyed it. There was a lot of talk about how the Rangers prolly won’t come back to win The Cup all during which I was yelling at the radio because I am a Ranger fan and I will go down yelling at the radio because if i don’t believe that the Rangers can make a comeback and beat those fucks out in LA (sorry…really nothing personal) then there is no chance of it happening. I truly believe this. Make fun of me all you want. If i could grow a beard, I would have a beard. Hubbs and I shall be wearing the same jersey’s tomorrow night, and I forbade his dad (who watched the game with us and is therefore now included in all superstitions) tfrom trimming his beard. Boom. Let’s go Rangers. We want The Cup.
What Ellis did manage to watch last night was Magic Mike, because, why the fuck not. It actually came down to ‘Well, it’s on television and it’s not bad enough for me to change the channel so…’. And Ellis really didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, and that turned into a whole shebang that I’m pretty sure most listeners didn’t want to hear. At all. Yeah. I saw the movie when it came out because all the girls are work wanted to drool over PermaDumbface Tatum and I find McConaughey sexy enough to be convinced to go along with them…and it was amazing and horrible all wrapped up into a movie about mostly naked guys. Tully tells Jason that Magic Mike was Channing Tatum’s baby because Channing Tatum used to be a male stripper…and there was lots of talk about strippers and stripping and judging from my twitter feed…basically none of you wanted to hear it. So…I will nutshell it to- It would probably be really bad for there to be a male fan strip contest at Ellismania 10, because…yeah.
Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news where there’s kicks and punches and arm bars and all sorts of things going on and people taking TRT. Which is the real issue here. The Nevada State Commission of people who make things more difficult for older fighters to fight have made using Testosterone Replacement Therapy an illegal thing in the UFC and that’s eliminated people like Vitor Bellafor unable to fight anymore because it’s not easy to get off TRT when you need it…and you can’t really get that shit unless you need it. Most recently in the news, Chael Sonnen has also been banned for using the TRT (actually for using things to try and get off of TRT). Ellis is kind of behind Sonnen because the fighter is owning up to using the drugs and not contesting the fact that the drugs were found in his system. That’s called taking it like a man, ladies and gentleman. It’s sad that we are having to say goodbye to some MMA greats because of these new rules and because there was nothing written in to the rule that allows the fighters a period of time to get off of the stuff, but there are a bunch of exciting new up an comers in the UFC and MMA that we’ll be able to watch for years to come.
Now for some Hollywood News!!!! Who Cares??? I dunno…but there are people out there who care about things like Halle Barry having to pay her ex $16 Grand in child support/spousal support, so I’ll take the time to mention it. That’s a lot of money, but she’s in the new X-Men movie, so she can probably spare it with the change in her pocket at the end of the day. Either that, or we can look forward to a good decade of Halle Barry and Nicolas Cage movies that are gloriously horrible. In other Hollywood News, Master P has lost custody of 4 of his children to ex wife Sonia Miller. He didn’t show up for a court date related to the child custody case in a misguided attempt to dispute the custody case which he alleges was brought against him due to his ex’s greedy need for money to support her party habits, when in reality, he probably should have tried showing up and exposing the ex for her booze-hound ways. More kids of celebrities in the news are the late Michael Jackson’s progeny Paris, Blanket, and Prince (who may not actually be his children by birth and are more likely babies brought from Russia) who get a yearly allowance based on the worth of Michael Jackson’s Estate (which is only making more and more money since he died) and that allowance has risen from 5 million per child, per year, to 8 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS PER YEAR, PER CHILD. HOLY FUCKNUTS. I can’t. I just can’t. What do they do with this money…whatever they want, basically, those lucky lucky kids. Damn. Damn. Damn. I can’t talk about this. Can I have an 8 Million Dollar allowance? I mean…even if it’s only a one time allowance? I’m pretty sure I can get some mileage out of that. Sigh. In some other Hollywood news, R. Kelly’s 14 year old child recently came out to the public as Transgender (female to male) and it’s reported that R. Kelly hasn’t spoken to him or doesn’t even know about it. Ellis decides to reserve judgement until it come’s from the horse’s (R Kelly) mouth, and that’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with, especially considering the Hip Hop Scene (I feel soooooo lame saying that for some reason) and their general feelings toward the LBGT community. There is some talk about how Ellis or Tully would cope with a child who comes out as Transgender at such a young age, because once you get into surgery there’s no coming back from that and that’s a pretty drastic undertaking for someone who isn’t a legal adult. But, in the same breath, forcing a child to go through puberty and develop sexual organs that they don’t feel like they should have could be pretty psychologically damaging. That’s pretty tough. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d never try and interfere, I guess, with how my child perceives him or herself, but surgery…man…that’s tough. The only person I know going through the transition is my age (27) and has been living male probably since we were around 18 or 19…but is still in the process of having the surgery. And that’s a lot for him to deal with as an adult…so…being young like that…ugh. Ugh. Life is confusing, guys. And also, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that water has feelings. Ha. Good thing she’s hot.
Time for Half Time! Push ups and Breast Exams!!! and a break!!!
Back from the break there is some pot news!!! There is now a cannibis oil infused lube that gives woman a sexy kind of high because vag’s have super absorby membranes and HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THIS VERY SITE, NO YOU ARE, GOT A SWEET SHOUT OUT FROM TULLY!!!!! All thanks to the Bitpimps, who was conversing with Tully to get a copy of the Jason Ellis Skateboarding Game for the site, which led Tully to register Tweetagram.com aka THE Holy Trinity of Social Media on the Internet (maybe) and yeah…that shout out happened and I was all #boom and felt cool that the wonderful guys here like me and asked me to write for them and I got all nostalgic over my fifteen minutes of fame one year ago in August where my blog was read on air and the warm fuzzies ensued…and I’m really so happy to be a part of something like this. I get to write, I get to interact, I get to hang out with the cool kids…it’s a pretty sweet deal. Thanks guys!!! Hi Tully, if you’re ever reading this, I want to be your friend and talk about books and writing and shit and be lame and annoying and have nothing to say to you regarding Hair Metal, but plenty about babies and marriage and stuff. *waves frantically like a geek*
Okay..so…where is Chad Mendez? Who is Chad Mendez? What’s going on with Chad Mendez? Chaz Mendez is an MMA fighter in the same camp as TJ who was on either last week or the week before (aka The Guy who one punched his way right past Ellis’ punch pad record) and gets trained by Duane to kick better ass in the Octogan. And…at this point I was only half listening to the show because my kid is home and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him last weekend while Hubbs and I were in Jersey so I allowed myself to be super distracted by him and his cute tales of his life since I last saw him (he was asleep by the time we got home Sunday, Monday, and fricking Tuesday :( ) and I’m kind of over the whole let’s have a fighter on to talk about fighters because I feel like every other show one or two is on and all it really says to me is that Ellis is really itching to get back to training…but the major points I pulled out were that he is slated to fight Jose Aldo, the champ, who has previously knocked him out, but he has been training hard and getting better and Jose Aldo has kind of plateaued, everyone at the camp has known each other for a long time because they mostly came up through wrestling and that’s a pretty small community, their gym is awesome, Ellis is going to go to the gym, he’s fighting Jose Aldo at UFC 176 on August 2nd, and some fat guy tried to fight him in a bar once and Chad slapped him and told him to sit down. He can jump super high, has a girlfriend, didn’t punch the pad, and would not kill Ellis’ parents dressed up as a bear, but maybe as a Cougar.
There was another break and my sirius got a little weird for a minute, and when it popped back in Ellis had mentioned something about Joel and Benji and it took me a minute to figure out what they were talking about, but it had to do with the paparazzi and the private lives of celebrities and TMZ being crazy and paparazzi being sleazy and the whole pedarazzi thing and then the show went out with a don’t die question of ‘If you were 12 years old and had 8 million dollars a year to blow through, what would you do?’. And you know what? A whole lotta callers would want to be Batman. Who the fuck wouldn’t?
Things we learned on TJES today:
Tully is on top of his nuts
Ellis wants to bang an Oil Miner, Crossfit Champ, and Tennis Player
Twitter is 50% fake outrage
It’s fun to fuck with Same Tripoli
McConaughey had to lean back real hard in Magic Mike to make his abs pop
Girls are basically dudes…we’re just better at diguising it
Blanket Jackson should be referred to as Bill from now on
Liz Taylor’s Vergina (Tullyism) has been closed for years
You’d cry too if you were being ‘healed’ by a moron
Petite Mousey Girls are hot
My son just told me that he misses me every second that I’m not around and I had one of those ‘I love you so much I might die’ moments…so I’m gonna go be a mom for a while. Love you ellisfam!!!