Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just buried in my little paperwork hovel, listening to an endless string of time wasting phone calls and giving price estimates for shit that I could never afford while consoling others about their problems in comparison to mine. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!! TURN DOWN WHATEVER FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU’RE WATCHING, I’M TALKING TO SOMEBODY!!! FUCK YOU DON’T CALL BACK!!! I SHALL VISIT A SUFFERING UPON YOU THAT WOULD MAKE AUSCHWEITZ LOOK LIKE A NURSERY SCHOOL!!!!! So, yeah, that’s how I’m doing today. I also took a shit that I simply cannot trust the size of. It was way too much work and discomfort for how small it was. But fuck me, right, how are you? YOU READY FOR THE ELLIS SHOW?!?!?!?! Well, I hope you caught it live, because the recap is very close second, but still only second. Today’s show got started with some dead air and then some talk about how Orange Is The New Black is kinda stupid, and since I’ve never seen it, it just looks trendy and boring to me, but Donna from That 70’s Show is in it, so if nothing else, eye candy. This basically boiled down to a lot of talk about how trendy shit gets trendy then pointless. Jude was in studio to talk sound bites and how he’s given the show way too many memorable phrases for the Jingleberries not to have a whole page of buttons for him. Somehow, this boiled down to talk about Mike Metzger and people thinking other people are racist. Jude tried to relate his experience with racism and how it’s pretty common in just about every different group, but white people get treated a bit worse cause we actually enslaved several different groups on many different occasions and (especially in America) white is a pretty broad spectrum of people, so it’s not like it’s all the Brits or the Irish or the French, it’s just north versus south of the equator (PS native Americans are still on reservations cause white people are just fantastic like that). Fat Mike from NOFX said it best: Everyone’s a little bit racist. So there, problem solved, problem staying solved, rangers lead the way. There was more talk about racism and I just have to say that human beings are universally shitty in one way or another, every last god damn one of them, even the ones I like, it’s all just levels and when you have enough positives in my book, I’ll be decent to you, and if you don’t then I can leave pretty much any situation I need to in order to avoid you. It’s the great thing about free will and adulthood, personal fucking choice. There was more arguing and Ellis seemed really passionate about it, Jude tried to divert the subject and explain the double standard and how a certain amount of other people’s stupidity just needs to be ignored, but that just kind of brought the excitement level back up to the forefront of the conversation. Some guy (from Alabama) called in to say a certain amount of it is just what you experience and it’s not always just telling yourself not to be a dick. But then he said he hated Don Cheadle because he got robbed by a black guy and didn’t trust any of them for a bunch of years. Long story short, Jude’s point of view, lead by example, Ellis’ point of view, fuck all of them. They’re kinda both right, and both wrong. The world is a shitty place, and harden the fuck up. Two sides of an equally feces covered coin that is worth less than the metal it was minted from. Maybe that’s my own nihilism speaking, but it’s an opinion, which is like an asshole, and I stay away from everybody else’s unless I have a really good reason to be there, cause despite the fact that I’m not a germophobe, I’m weird and I get incredibly freaked out by the thought of poo, like when you’re watching porn and there’s that very slight brown mark on a girl’s ass cheeks when the dude fucking her slips out and has to line it back up again to continue rearranging her internal organs. IT JUST FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE THING FOR ME AND I HAVE TO START MASTURBATING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH, OKAY?!?!!?!?!!?! The guys switched to talking about the class divide and that’s really more of the issue when it comes to institutionalized racism, and I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they will never know the joy of a welfare Christmas, I WILL BUY YOU A GARDEN WHERE YOUR FLOWERS CAN BLOOM!! I WILL BUY YOU THAT BIG HOUSE!!! PERFECT SSHHIIIINNYY AND NEEEEEWWW!!!! Yes, I’m a 90’s kid. But fuck all of that last slew of nonsense, Hyena, the rebirth (remix? I mean, he does work at a hip hop station), September, pre-order that shit. And listen to the Foreally show. And let’s all just try and be better to each other cause some people take it way more personally than others. ‘Kay? ‘Kay………….Kay took my baby awaaayyy, they took her away, AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! Delirium, coupled with a decent lunch and a bloodshart brewing. The fumes in this shop gave the last guy lung cancer, I think they just make me lose brain cells. Which is fine with me, cause for the last thirty minutes I’ve been running through my vast personal knowledge of automotive lubricants in my head for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON at all, and this kind of knowledge drives me a little insane, and yet I relish it, cause it makes me good at my real job, just not the part that requires me to deal with everybody else’s problems and listen to their bullshit and be whined at because goods and services cost money and we won’t take trades of shitty macrame art and are constantly risking our own personal safety lifting their 3-ton hoarder cars up in the air to determine how quickly they need to be trading it in for a skateboard and a healthy dose of get off your ass and do something. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS OUT OF A COMA!!! For the most part, as far as we are told by the media, so that’s great. Long live The Stig. Let’s just take a moment to think about everything that’s happened so far today, and remember that no matter how bad you have it, at least you’re not a hipster. Those people suck.
ON DEMAND!!! It’s pretty much the only way I can finish these recaps!!! SIRIUSXM!!! Quality product. The web player and phone app, eh, not their finest attempt, but the content is fucking fantastic. #ShoutOut to the Backbone, Bryan fucking Cullen. Jason noticed that his twitter seems to be shitty about giving him notifications when people say/ask/harass/call him a fag/aggressive cock sucking/demand things from him, so the guys got to work trying to figure it out. Cumtard has never had that problem, and neither has Tully, so just off the bat they were able to determine it’s probably something to do with Jason’s phone app for twitter (I use Tweedle for android, you can make your own color scheme for it and it doesn’t give you fifty fucking columns of bullshit you wouldn’t even use on the computer, and it’s FREEEEEE!!!!) so they started trying to diagnose whether it was the app itself or just Ellis fault for buying an iPhone (*cough* inferior closed source technology *cough cough*). While they were doing that, Tully found a story about how people in Alabama are finally allowed to have oral and anal sex and don’t have to be wedded to do it, cause the state supreme court finally turned over whatever ridiculous hillbilly superstitious law they had on the books that previously made those a crime. WILSON came in to verify that he has tasted the sweetest fruits of carnal sin under the pseudonym “Phil” and that it was good. The guys discussed their feelings on their kids marrying a “beard” sometime in the future, and Tully has met a few of those couples and there’s a select few that seem to have it pretty good when they do that, and they make the flimsiest bridges, but the most Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous tacos. WILSON suggested that Jason’s twitter problems might be that he’s got his response page set to only people he follows, but Jason dismissed this as nonsense cause he’s not a technophile and probably didn’t realize he set it that way. But fuck all that, cause the guys turned to twitter and the phones to see who out there just can’t do stuff that other normal people can do, like pouring water out of a pitcher, or changing your own oil, or getting the center of an envelope lined up just right to get the address down on it. And there were some doozies, people out there don’t know how to do lots of stuff. Cumtard can’t keep his shoes tied for some reason or another. He’ll triple knot therm, but no matter what, they come untied in a few small steps. Jason can’t do carnival games, but that’s fine cause carnies are basically the gypsies of America and should not be trusted. Tully can’t butter toast unless it’s already kind of liquid. Ellis can’t open plastic bags very well. He also can’t manage remembering that 30 days hath September, April June and November, and all the rest have 31, except for February alone and that has 28 days clear and 29 on each leap year. The guys turned to the phones and got a guy who can’t negotiate swiping his credit card the right direction anytime he tries to use it. One guy on twitter can’t chew gum, but worse than that, Mike in Canada and Michael Tully both can’t do a respectable job opening a carton of milk. A lot of folks can’t snap their fingers or whistle. One lady couldn’t use an electric can opener to save her life (#AmIRight). One guy cut the tip of his pinky finger off on multiple occasions just trying to chop garlic. Some guy couldn’t parallel park and that’s just bullshit. A guy called in to say that he can’t pee when he’s sitting down to take a shit, cause we all needed to hear that this afternoon, but some of his friends stand up to wipe, so there’s that. Some guys can’t do gift wrapping, or put the straw through a Capri Sun without squeezing half of it out. One lady said she can’t use saran wrap cause it sticks to her fingers. Jetta has shy bowels, as does Ellis. One dude can’t open up a fruit cup without spilling out the syrup, and that wouldn’t be a huge deal if he didn’t work at an elementary school. Somebody on twitter can’t brush his teeth without making a huge mess of toothpaste everywhere. One guy called in to tell the guuys that, for the fucking life of him, he can’t open a tube of Pillsbury biscuits withouth them exploding all over his kitchen. Happy birthday Thomas Haden Church. Danny’s brother can’t walk in flip-flops, and some lady can’t fold fitted sheets (which I just kind of half-ass and get into a squarish shape, and since I live alone, fuck everybody) Someone called in to say he can’t drink from a big mouth glass with crushed ice in it, cause he’s essentially a humongous toddler. The next caller told the guys he can’t get off without catching a finger in the booty from his old lady. A couple people on twitter said that they absolutely cannot make themselves burp, when the situation calls for it. Jason has been getting spontaneous boners ever since he stopped his anxiety medication. Someone else on twitter said that he can’t open a bag of chips without exploding the bag so he has to use scissors, and someone else can’t peel a banana without biting the top off first. There was another caller who couldn’t keep AM and PM straight, but if I had to take a guess I’d be inclined to believe he’s an alcoholic. A lady called in to report multiple injuries sustained from trying to take off a sports bra, so bad in fact that she’s had reconstructive surgery for soft tissue damage. Can’t take the cotton ball out of a pill bottle, opening tamper safe seals on things, taking flight on massive hot air balloon hands, can’t open Kraft singles, can’t peel an orange without juicing it, can’t use scissors, can’t take a shit without showering afterwards, can’t pronounce “statistics” or “adirondak”, can’t piss in public, can’t brush your teeth without gagging yourself and throwing up, all of these are things that average people have trouble with, even though they shouldn’t. And you wonder why I complain about humanity all the time?
YOU SIR, ARE A MORON with special guest Anahita Sedaghatfar, the really attractive defense lawyer who sometimes makes appearances on Dr. Drew On Call with Jason. According to her, all persian girls are gonna claim their virginity until marriage, but they’re probably hiding some special tricks that they’ve picked up in their travels of penis. But that’s beside the point, cause today, You Sir, Are a Moron is gonna be extra interesting cause Anahita is there to constantly present the defense attorney’s point of view on stuff. Up first, should parents have a set amount of time they’re allowed to leave a baby in a car? Well, every doctor will tell you no, and that you’re an unfit parent, but of course being a parent is hard work and unloading your kid just to pump gas or put change in the meter is a pain in the ass, so for the sake of real world situations, it’s probably not a big deal. Next, was justice served for OJ Simpson? Well, facts and logic dictate that no, no it was not, but he did get arrested for trying to steal a bunch of his own memorabilia, and the rest of us are paying the price for one of his Dream Team Lawyer’s daughters, who got famous off some black dick and now won’t get the fuck off of every TV channel and magazine cover. Next, what would you do if you saw someone slap their kid in the face in public? Now first, of course, you gotta at least WANT to hit that fucker back, but it’s important to know the whole situation and be aware of your surroundings so that you don’t lash out in uncalled for ways out in the world, but of course, a 3 year old would have to be some kind of Omen child to really warrant that kind of treatment, so stomping a dude out in the milk aisle is probably the right thing to do. Tully on the other hand, has been informed by his kid’s pediatrician that he should be spanking the hell out of Linsanity at every possible turn, else he may rise up more powerful than Michael could ever imagine and will usurp his kingdom of a fully paid off Honda Civic and co-host position at a popular afternoon talk radio show. Next, are black people better at sports? And the short answer is yes, due to genetic culturing during the slave days, however there’s a lot of things we’re calling “sports” nowadays that really don’t require much physical superiority over anyone else, so just for the sake of nomenclature, the playing field has been pretty much leveled. Next, should ladies shave their asses? Yes. If you disagree, well you’re just fucking weird. NEXT QUESTION are you obligated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs as long as they aren’t dangerous or against the law? Well, fucking someone who’s on fire probably isn’t a good idea, but then again there’s probably laws against arson. That said though, it’s only an obligation if there’s legal paperwork drawn up, otherwise it’s just a matter of what everybody involved is comfortable with. And if you’re not comfortable with inflating a pool raft inside someone’s asshole while they sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, well then it’s time to go out and find yourself somebody who likes your own particular brand of strange. Next, when is an acceptable time for a man to lay hands on a woman in anger? And really the only time is protecting yourself or your loved ones from immediate harm or death, but Anahita disagrees with this, but she is wrong and obviously has never had a guy protect her from getting knocked out in public (which is surprising, cause nobody likes lawyers, so it seems like it’s bound to happen or already have happened). Should prostitution be legal? Well, it works well in Amsterdam, but Anahita does not agree with that, under the pretenses that it’s a bad example in our modern, evolved society that still clings to archaic belief structures and institutionalized xenophobia. Somehow, she got on the tangent of how pot should also remain illegal, even though she’s OK with it and has a lot of her facts about the new Colorado weed legalization wrong, as well as about the actual substance itself, but hey, not her field of expertise. I could tell her how to get fucked up sideways in a matter of minutes, but if I needed to beat a speeding ticket, I’d be the one asking questions. Next, should polygamy be legal? And my answer is, only if you’re not doing it as part of a religion. That one guy who claimed it as part of the Mormon faith, then married off a bunch of underage girls, and molested a bunch of kids, and robbed the welfare system for millions of dollars to single mothers, and kept a bunch of people hostage in his mountain compound, that guy wasn’t OK. Folks from out where I live, who just like to mix it up, and have the same friends with benefits as their wife does, shouldn’t be a problem for anybody. It isn’t one for me. And finally, at what age should kids be given condoms at school? To which the logical answer is, flood the entire south with them from kindergarten to 15 years into the workforce. Immersion therapy, the rest of us got the message a long time ago. Let’s take a few minutes to simmer on all that, and get back to it.
You may be shocked to learn that people on social media were OUTRAGED that a little girl who got mauled by a pit bull and is kind of disfigured from it, got kicked out of a KFC because some other customer couldn’t continue eating due to this girl’s appearance. KFC, of course, will not really suffer in the long run cause fast food is the new “too big to fail” banking system, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the whiny customer should have just shut the fuck up and kept their opinion to themselves. A team of researchers used Wikipedia to try and figure out who the most important person in the world was, and you may be surprised to learn that the current pope is only number three, but (according to some formula that requires Wikipedia and a bunch of external web links) Frank Sinatra is number fucking one!!! It’s nice to know that the new crop hasn’t taken over yet with all their stupid bullshit and worthless human beings parading around as celebrities instead of underutilized organ farms. Starfish are liquifying themselves in Vancouver cause they’re probably just fucking sick of existing, as most seaborne creatures seem like they are. But on the plus side, it probably makes a fantastic organic lube, plus you can watch the limbs crawl away in terror as the central core dissolves. A law firm in Massachusetts that was really well known for forclosing on people’s houses, just got foreclosed on!!! CAN YA FEEL ME VAGINA!!! Tully was reading about the school district in Newark, NJ and apparently it’s a shithole out there to the point where sometimes the only books in the classroom are comics, and while it’s a great hobby and they have some true artistic value, there’s a lot of good information that they just don’t have. The guys took some final calls, and as much as I love you all, I got shit to do today, so I’m snapping this one off before it turns into a bloodshart.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,