Tag Archives: Jessica Simpson

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/13/2013

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yep

No really, did you miss me? Is Dom dumb? Think you got a shot with Katie?

OMG! I missed you guise! Did you miss me? I missed you lots. No, I missed you more. Aww. Did you know that the average person knows somebody that knows Ellis – really, clinical research from the the Dummy Dom Institute of Completely Wrong Facts says so. That makes everyone 2 degrees seperated from Ellis, therefore beating out Kevin Bacon and his measly 6 degrees. Dingo was born to meet the Bacon, and that’s just one of the many things that make him a sick cunt. The brought Chad Reed out of the woodwork to make a ledge of a tweet about Dingo & Ellis. Ellis went to see his pal Jake Ellenberger fight with some chick he knows from Twitter, and he thinks he might have mistaken her for someone else. Get out your tissues, either for tears or to clean up your jizz pile, Ellis & Katie are no longer going out, they’re friends and such, but they’re not exclusively fucking other people with each other. Or however you wanna put it. It took all of 60 seconds for Dom to put a call on hold where the caller wanted to ask why they broke up, and as you might expect, that call never got taken. DUH! Rawdog went to his 10 year high school reunion over the weekend, he did not get laid, get his dick sucked, or titty fucked. He went solo, the hot chicks were still hot and still didn’t really talk to him just like 10 years ago. Some chick did know that Josh was in radio however, he asked her how she knew and turns out she’s friends with Dingo’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend. I can’t keep track of everyone’s goddamned love life, for fuck sakes! Anyway, he basically just had a single conversation on repeat, “I’m a co-host on radio now and still live in LA.” Oh, and also, TJES will be on staycation all next week, so plan your life accordingly!

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Ryan Gosling is so upset, he won’t eat his cereal.

In “you’re on the wrong fuckin turf, buddy” some dude in Africa went running after an elephant and got trampled, and in other elephant trampling news, a poacher got trampled to death by the elephant he was trying to shoot. This provided a perfect segway into Hollywood news! Jessica Simpson (elephant) is mad at Nick Lachey (poacher) for saying that he doesn’t have to play grab-ass under the table during Thanksgiving with Joe Simpson (elephant’s father) – referring to rumors about Joe being gay. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West rumor mill is abuzz with something or another about him not being part of the family as much as he should, and didn’t open a fucking door for her once, yada, yada, yada. SNL cast member Seth Meyers will be taking over Jimmy Fallon’s spot on “Late Night” while Fallon looks like he’ll be taking over Jay Leno’s spot on the “Tonight Show” and  nobody gives a shit because only old people watch that shit. Disney’s in trouble for trying to trademark a fucking holiday, sweet baby Jesus, you gotta be a bigger douche than Apple to try and trademark a holiday. Vin Diesel says that because he said “Hi guys, I love you.” on Facebook, he made Facebook what it is – which is to say, I giant steaming pile of turd. Oh, and OJ Simpson is still in jail and it’s not looking like he’s going to be getting out anytime soon.

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Sex toys? Yea, she’s 5; 10″ and can lift your 140 pound ass in the air while sucking you off!

Fan of the show and Little Miss Ellis contestant, Perry, brought in 2 new machines today. A wheel of doom – a spinning wheel similar to old carnival games with interchangeable punishments for each slot. And, a dick punching machine that Ellis can push from his chair and it punches Rawdog in the dick, in his chair! Sounds like everyone is jazzed about it, except of course Rawdog and his balls. It’s now legal to smoke marijuana in Washington (the state) and bus drivers now use the “lost and found” method for people who forget their weed or pipes on their buses. I had to take a call and missed something, but I came back in as they were talking about while jerking off, you get to smell vagina. What. The. Fuck? Well, here’s a review of this horrible product. Then something about a pigtail butt plug, It’s in the shape of a curly fry, you know, for all you butt plug enthusiasts that have been wanting a coil spring from a fucking Buick in their ass. Then I got another phone call and still wasn’t exactly sure where this bit was heading. Oh, wait. Sounds like Tully is reading the “what other customer’s purchased” feature on Amazon. Anyway, another sexual toy related to the previous products was “the cone”, which is basically like a squished down traffic cone for your asshole stretching needs. Then there’s the “enema simulator”, which is basically a rubber ass that you can practice giving an enema to. So. Hot. In. Thurr. There’s an Obama dildo for all your executive decision sexual desires. And then the “solar powered vibrator” which is supposedly  great for camping! The “ohmibod” sex toy plugs into your iPhone and vibrates to the beat of the song you’re listening to and is a hipster’s wet dream. The “artificial hymen” is yet another sex toy, I assume it’s marketed towards pedophiles or similarly creepy motherfuckers that enjoy being bathed in blood while fucking. Now the creme de la creme of sex toys, the “area 51 love doll” where you bang out an alien. I want to believe! Then we have the “gates of hell male chastity device” that is like 5 rings for your cock and balls, it looks as stupid as it sounds. The “whodini” is a locking steel cock chastity that looks like an oversized faucet head from the Acme company in Looney Tunes cartoons. Anyway, you can read about most of these and more.

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I don’t have anything for this. Just look at it.

In generational insanity news, grandma, mom, toddler, & baby all walked down the streets completely naked of Charolette, North Carolina and caused a traffic jam. You know how Asian men can’t grow good facial hair? Well guess what? Now they can get mustache transplants that will make Tom Selleck get emotional! Apparently the Lord told them to do this. Then it was time for unsigned bands. That usually turns out worse than NMT so I didn’t bother taking notes on any of that. The guys did say that one or two of them weren’t that bad, and I don’t know if I agree with the ones they liked, but that sounds about right – one or two were alright. Oh, and one of the songs was called “EllisMate” and was by an ex-pro skater the Ellis actually knows. It was basically full of this guy dropping names of various people and Ellis related words as much as possible with a few fuck ups littered in. Rawdog got his ass chewed for multiple mispronunciations and generally fucking up the English language on a regular bases. Dingo got reprimanded for dropping the “cunt” word a little too much today, and Ellis got called on how much he wants to see chicks’ insides, but not in a weird way, only if they wanna show it to him. Oh, and we got another Ellisism gem today, “Don’t put your eggs in this fucking basket.” Wut? Anyway, we’ve all got our own little intricacies that make us who we are, and that’s cool. Like when I make jokes out of subjects that might be considered taboo, which I try not to do too much. Just not today. I’ll start tomorrow. Maybe. But you’ll never know because I’m not scheduled to re-cap tomorrow’s show, you’ll just have to trust me. What does a gay guy and a tumbleweed have in common? They blow and blow until they get stuck on a fence in Wyoming. OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 9/5/2012

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I basically stared at this for the entire Lycans discussion.

Wassup party people in the place to be? I’m filling in for @AZ_RedDragon today because he’s having a fucking dinner party – I know what you’re thinking, I didn’t know he was such a debutante either. HEYOH! Actually, he’s having dinner with @azkellie and @FaceplantLauren and I assume his wife and kids. If going by the songs Ellis played during the breaks today, this is a love filled show today. Ellis got woken up by Paris Hilton today, sure, it was just in his dream, but still. He’ll be moving out of his apartment soon, he plans on giving all his shit to Goodwill so he doesn’t have to move jack shit, solid idea when you get tons of free shit. The DogFather used to read bedtime stories to Rawdog and would do character voices to match the story – including Elmer Fudd, he’s got a wicked awesome Elmer Fudd. More talk about Underworld: Rise of the Lycans, I’m still not sure what this is, but it sounds like another vampire movie and that means it can fuck itself right off my TV, I don’t care how hot Kate Beckinsale is. Shitting and farting in front of your significant other isn’t really all the cool – you’re just asking for trouble because one or both of you are going to end up calling the other a nasty motherfucker.

If you keep eating that shit, you’re gonna pay for it!

Jennifer (Rawdog speak) Jessica Simpson is now sponsored by fat lady snacks Weight Watchers because she’s gained a lot of weight after mowing through Mac-n-Cheese and shit while she was pregnant, and she refuses to run because according to her, her titties are too big. There was quite a bit of time spent on her fatness and diet, which is okay, but I’m done talking about her dumb ass. The real deal Holyfield is that if you get fat and don’t do anything about it, you’ll look for any excuse to justify your fatness. Oh, and don’t scarf down a shitload of “comfort food” (and no, M&M’s do not fall into that category) while you’re pregnant, it’s not doing you or that spawn in your belly, any good. A possible solution is changing your diet to the Ellis Diet, water, dick, and vodka. A listener sent in an email from 2010 that appeared to have Lindsay Lohan as one of the recipients. It outlined who was going to be suing her ass, the skrilla she’ll need to pay for all that shit, and the duckettes she at the time didn’t have to cover anything but a booger. Hilary Duff’s giant head is married to Mike Comrie’s massive dome, and if they boink to make a baby, it will be Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. There was talk about Octomom porn, I Googled and then shut down my computer – that was enough for one day.

Stick to roller disco, Borneo. And stop with the orangutan sex slave trade.

Some poor orangutan was kept as a sex slave, with repeat customers – and that’s pretty fucked up, man. Why would you prefer to fuck an animal instead of a human? I don’t have an answer for that one. Shout out to Borneo, you monkey fuckers top the list as the most fucked up shithole on the planet. Speaking of fucked up shitholes, we got to hear some new drops today, straight from The DogFather’s mouth (or shithole if I may), showcasing his speech impediment that Rawdog still doesn’t accept as fact. It’s fucking amazing, there’s no way Rawdog doesn’t hear it, he’s pwaying dumb. And for the record, I don’t mean to be offensive when I call The DogFather’s mouth a shithole, it’s more a term of endearment, witerawwy.

World’s Greatest Wednesday came back today! Except it took forever and a day to get going because Will “Shiny Shins” Pendarvis fucked the button bar up like some kind of orangutan fucker or something. For that, he had to create some new intros for the show, which he completely botched the words on most of them – but whatever, he did his famous “radio thing” that’s he’s been known for since the 80’s. On a quick, but completely unimportant note, we found out Lightening Train (aka El Gato) fucked a half Mexican, half Chinese stripper. Anyway, because Ellis is going to be boning Katie in a hot air balloon, WGWtopic for today was “world’s greatest thing to do in a hot air balloon”. And here’s your top 10 in order from 1st to last:

If humans can wear a Bane mask, so can animals.

  1. Bang Katie with a Bane mask on
  2. Get a champagne blowjob from Katie
  3. Pay the pilot to wear a gimp suit
  4. Howl in Katie’s ass
  5. Dress up as Batman and Robin and fuck Katie
  6. Blindfold the pilot and fuck Katie
  7. Put a cubic zirconia around Katie’s neck while fucking her from behind
  8. Fire a flare gun as your cumming from fucking Katie
  9. Get a female pilot and have a threesome
  10. Play “I believe I can fly” from a loudspeaker

Satan called into the show today, he’s in Kansas, he still sounds scary but he’s really dropped off the map and his music is starting to suck. I think Shoebox must be mixing his shit because you can barely hear Satan over the tracks. So here’s what we’ve learned today: Don’t fuck with Lycans, don’t eat mac-n-cheese and expect to lose weight, don’t fuck orangutans, don’t lend money to Lindsay Lohan, don’t fuck with the button bar, and don’t Will-Will the Will unless you’re ready to Will. And for godsakes, you’re old enough to know better by now, you have to stop licking your mom’s cooter, you don’t know where that thing has been. OH!