Rawdog filling up his vagina to test his limits.

Monday. It can lick us where we shit, am I right? So let’s see what else Monday has in store for us, and let me just tell you this. If I hear talk about the fucking Emmy’s on today’s show, I’m wrapping this motherfucker up right then and there. Where’s Mayhem been? Why has he just disappeared? Oh wait, maybe it was because of that whole trashing a church while naked thing. Rawdog admits that he may be gullible, but he does not allow his girlfriend to tell him what to do. And if you believe that, you might also be gullible. Tig McPickles now knows how to ride a bike, without training wheels, and Big Daddy Rape Cakes laid down a $500 bet that his son could beat Rawdog in a bike race. A bet that Rawdog would not take. What would you do if you had a vagina for a day? Rawdog would see how many household items he could cram up there and gape himself, you know, for science.

Tiggy’s growing up right in front of our eyes!

Jon Jones beat the shit out of Vitor Belfort with a broken arm, hate him or love him – that’s a goddamned warrior right there. Fuck the other fights just because Bisping won and he’s a douche. Welp, guess what topic came up next. Talk about the Emmy’s. I told you what I’d do, and I was serious. So peace out. Later days and better lays, my friends.

Oh man, you guys are so lucky that I don’t want to make you pay for that Emmy talk shit. It didn’t last long at all, so that was a plus. Talk turned back to Rawdog vs Tiggy in a triathlon of sorts, hopefully you will be seeing that on EllisMania.com in the near future. Hey, Texas prisons are overflowing with prostitutes because apparently Texas considers hooking a felony or some shit. What if prostitution was legal? Would it help or hurt certain societal issues? Overall, it might make things safer for all involved. So according to JizzCult Pendarvis, he bought JizzCult.com, but according to the Internet, he in fact did not, therefore we can never trust Pendarvis again.

I don’t think they had salads back then, so would this be tossing someone’s fig leaf?

World Champion masturbator, Masanobu Sato tugged his lo mein noodle for almost 10 fucking hours! That has to be horrible, I mean if you jack off for that long without blowing a load, your balls are going to make you pay for that shit. Moral of the story here? You can now feel way better about your 4 times a day wank routine, you’re not even scratching the surface. According to Ellis (and maybe Jesus) you should have a girl in your taint region at least once in your life, because it’s glorious. Are you wasting your life away and have a terrible band that nobody wants to hear? Good news! You can still email EllisParodies@gmail.com and if there are enough shitty bands submitting their garbage quickly, they might be able to get a celebrity guest to help judge that nonsense you’ve been wasting so much of your time on.

Hold the fuck up, did I just see Burbank Dave?

Wanna see Rawdog with a little bit of product in his hair and looking like today’s modern terrorist? Sure you do! Sounds like he might be shaving that caterpillar off his face and starting to dress more like a Persian version of Tully. Whether Ellis saw him or not, everyone’s favorite and most consistent stalker, Burbank Dave, saw Ellis over the weekend. Dave’s all over Burbank and he can’t be stopped. You may be lucky enough to notice him if you’re ever in Burbank, he’ll be wearing a green EllisMate shirt that he hates. Back when your mom was still alive, we were driving down the highway and pulled on to a dirt road. We got out of the car and started walking into the woods. Clutching my arm, your mom said, “These woods are really scary.” I said, “Yeah, well I’m the one that has to walk back by myself in the dark later.” OH!