Tag Archives: Cumtard

Ellismania 8 Results – 7/14/12

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EM8_15

Musical Chair Fight: Belly Dancer (?) defeats Ballerina (@Cogdeth) via split decision in the final.

Hot Dog vs. Taco: Hot Dog (@KevinKraftSucks AKA Cumtard) defeats Taco (@shit_toboggan) via TKO.

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Big Bitch Fight: Lauren (@FacePlantLauren) defeats Shantanee (@Shanwize1) via split decision in a brutal fight.

Blindfolded Shock Collar Fight: ‘Dutch’ (@Dutch_RDS) is declared the winner.

Rawdog vs. Ruby Renegade: Ruby (@TheRealRubyR) defeats Rawdog (@RadioTFB) in a controversial unanimous decision.

Dan vs. Alicia: Dan (@DanOD5) defeated Alicia (@AliciaLeii ). After 3 rounds ‘The Incredible Hulk’ (@possiblyTully) entered the ring and Dan defeated Tully!

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Danny vs. Dingo One-Armed Fight: Danny (@Dannykass) & Dingo (@theDingoinsnow) both declared winners.

Jason Ellis vs. Gabe Ruediger: Jason (@Ellismate) defeats Gabe (@gaberuediger) via 2nd Round KO!

Jason Ellis is also declared the Ellismania 8 MVP and wins the MVP trophy. Jason passes it off to the ‘Big Bitches’ for their epic fight.

Thanks to @Drklrdbill for tracking the results and all the fans on twitter that provided photos.

Show Re-cap For Thursday 6/28/2012

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This is the hardest fucking part of writing the re-cap, how to begin. I could tell a funny joke, a humorous story, or some anecdotal tale that will make you laugh and shoot soda out of your nose. But today I got nothing, so I shall just begin. The crew is leaning towards our friend Shit Toboggan in the fight verse his and Cum Tard. It would seem that when you take it seriously and train, it gives you an advantage. Who would have known? Ellis, Tully, and skate boarding aficionado, Rumble McTumble are going to the X-Games tomorrow. I am looking forward to hearing the stories from that on Monday. Come to think of it, I’m not sure if they will even be there next week because Ellis was talking an awful lot about going on vacation. He mostly wants to go to Thailand, the touristy part, not the bug eating Malaria infested part. Oh, and don’t leave your kids in the car. This has been a public service announcement.

They see me rollin”

There is a Mexican baby that had a 33 pound tumor growing on his back, but now its gone and he has a new 33 pound best friend named Terry. Shit Nacho put his name on the line again today, literally. They played a song clip and had to guess the artist or song name. Great news, Shit Nacho lost, and now he will be called Herpe Slurpie, thank you Field Piece (@banginmumtards). There is a new Death!Death!Die! song, I’m pretty sure they didn’t play it today. Hopefully they will play it tomorrow. And Rawdog mentioned a new kitchen gadget that seems like a total piece of shit, unless your Tully and can’t figure out how to get butter on your toast without completly fucking it to hell. I present to you, The Battery Powered Butter Knife!

In breaking Canadian news, a man killed his girlfriend and went to jail because she was BITING HIS DICK! I say that the punishment is not fitting to the crime, he was only defending himself against this dick chomping hater of the schlong. Tabitha Stevens and her husband, Kenny “Kenji” Gallo, who will be appearing at EllisMania 8 as MMA Elvis. I may have that wrong but fuck it. I will keep this short since I tend to zone out when “Industry Ladies” are on air, so here goes. Tabitha likes to be hung from hooks by her back (crazy bitch), she jacked off Jeff the Drunk (nasty bitch), she doesn’t take the dick on film anymore (Clam slammin’ bitch), and Kenji fucked her once with a fake lobster on her head (I got nothin’ for this one, bitch).

Started a new segment today, Dude Is It Gay Bruediger? This was obviously a smash hit on the phones as well as Twitter, I’m sure we will see it again in the coming weeks. Some chick called in about Trannies taking all the dudes away, and I didn’t hear the point she was trying to make but shes a girl so I will give her a pat on the head and say “That’s cute Dear.” When your children act like shit heads, what do you do? Whatever the fuck you want, but they’re yours and shit will come back to bite you in the ass, so whatever your technique, remember, your going to be old someday and your going to need them. The last thing we learned on the show today is that strip clubs are outlawed in Saskatchewan. They outlawed them shortly after yer mum danced and broke the stage killing 6 innocent by-standards and Mary the Midget, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 6/27/2012

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Did I ever tell you the story about the time I went to the gym and fought this really big black dude that was about 50 pounds heavier than me an had way more training and how he broke my nose and shit? No? Oh wait, that was Ellis today, I keep getting our lives mixed up. He realized that he had to re-conquer his fear of getting his bell rung and just fight for the fun of fighting, he said after that he was more relaxed and actually did pretty good in the end. Ellis was driving the A6K and for some reason it wouldn’t start, well good thing that he has his tool kit with him. Just pull out the BFH (that’s big fucking hammer for the rest of you) and gave the ol battery a few whacks. Just like good old American engineering should, it started right up. In Taiwan, Tibet, Tasmania, some fucking country starting with a T, there are Giraffe Rats that are invading swimming pools and eating babies. So everyone in Tennessee, be careful. Are sunglasses indoors cool? Is the Edge really a cool dude? Should rich people give big tips all the time? Only when your hungover or stoned, sure I guess I never met the guy, and always unless I become rich and then all you peasants can fuck off, with all due respect of course.

My Ellismania predictions:

Shit Toboggan vs Cum Tard 1,000,000/1 Shit Taboggan in the 1st round by death.

Rawdog vs Ruby Renegade 10/1 Ruby Renegade in the 3rd round by motorboat suffocation.

Germany outlawed circumcision based on religious beliefs, many believe that is just another way of keeping the Jew Man down. I mean really, after all this time why would anyone think that Germany has something against the Jewish people, that’s just silly. On better news, Nickelback is still a steaming pile of cock rock bullshit. This has been confirmed by a microbrewery owner, Dark Horse Brewery, when asked to supply Dickelback with beer in trade for free advertisement, he told them to go suck a bag of dicks. You sir I salute you.

Gabe Ruediger was in the Swing House today. He seemed to mix well with the crew and seems to be a rather cool dude. There was some “friendly” shit talking and I think this fight at EllisMania 8 is going to be one to remember. In Old Man news, don’t fart in front of their apartments. Old dudes in apartments have nothing to lose and will beat you severely with their wrinkled feeble limbs, or threaten you with a gun. So remember, blame it on the dog. This awesome segment was followed by the most horrible montage of shit brained callers I have ever heard on this show. It was so bad I was farting in front of old dudes apartments. See what I did there, that’s why I’m a professional. In more news the face eating zombie of Florida was only on weed and a shit ton of crazy, the knob gobbling Asian chef is under investigation, and an Archaeologist called in and informed the guys of a giant ten foot man ape that used to live in North America. They aren’t sure why they became extinct but most studies point to disease, coincidentally the same disease that yer mum is carrying in her massive cave man banging ham slammer, OH!

Iliza Shlesinger talks about her interview with J.Ellis on Ice House Chronicles – 6/18/12

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Justin calls in to mention Rogan & Iliza discussing her interview with J.Ellis – 6/18/12

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Ice House Chronicles #35 clip – 6/16/12

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Show Re-cap For Friday 6/15/2012

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Sometimes it’s the innocent looking ones you need to watch out for

I apologize in advance for what I’m about to do to you. Kickin’ it in the front seat, Sittin’ in the back seat, Gotta make my mind up, Which seat can I take? It’s Friday, Friday – Gotta get down on Friday! Okay, that’s far enough. It’s out of my system and will never come back to haunt you. Who will be taking Andy “Stay Duckin'” Bell’s place to fight Ellis? Gabe Ruediger (@GabeRuediger) will be, that’s who. This will be the third UFC fighter Ellis has gone up against and he says instead of just trying to survive like with the previous two UFC fighters he’s fought, he’ll be going for the win. Ellis is going to Miami next week, or two weeks from now, something like that. He’s going to be a judge at some Hooter’s Girls bikini contest, and I think he’s also going to try and party with Dexter. Ellis left the show for a few minutes to go take a shit and live tweeted, while taking said shit. Rawdog is going out on another date with the same chick he was recently making out with at the bar. She suggested go out dancing or stay home, eat mac-n-cheese, and watch Arrested Development. That sounds like she’s up for wearing shorts with no panties, sitting on the couch, and getting finger banged while Tobias Fünke wears the same short shorts as her.

I’m high as fuck man

Hey, some chick ate squid cum and had some squid babies all up in her mouth, yo. Yummy! If you eat seafood and/or sushi, you’ve probably eaten some cum too – or if you’re an asshole to your waiter, I guess there’s a good chance you’ve eaten sperm as well. Cumtard stopped by the show to get his mouthpiece for his fight at Ellismania and trash talk @shit_toboggan, which probably is only gonna make it hurt worse when he gets his ass handed to him. Speaking dicks (*cough*Cumtard*), you ever get nervous dick when you’re getting ready to bang a chick? That’s your body telling you to be weary, maybe she’s a massive hose beast, has STDs, or maybe you’re just a homosexual and with the wrong partner, I don’t know, I’m just sayin’. @FonzoBlunt showed up as well, he too had to get his mouthpiece all set – as you may have guessed, he was allegedly higher than bird pussy.

When I’m not busy being awesome, I’m busy being fucking kick ass

In “Women, am I right?” news, a fifteen year-old girl was unaware that the seventeen year-old boy that she met online and banged, was actually a twenty-four year-old woman. The old sea hag fucked her with a fake dick, through her zipper. Fuckin’ wang chung tonight! Some chick from my neck of the woods got caught shoplifting at a Walmart or some shit, they locked her in the bathroom until the cops got there, and by the time they did, she was up in that shit cooking up some meth. There was a ton more of stupid bitches and their stupid bitch stories, but I couldn’t possibly list them all. Ellis’ demeanor on the show changed in a heartbeat, he felt the show was “gay” and he wasn’t liking it. It’s supposed to be who gives a fuck Friday, but it seemed like he started giving a fuck immediately – it happened when he got a text about skrilla. THC called in to try and cheer up Ellis, he’s such a fucking cool dude, and he seems like he really cares. Props to that guy for being an awesome feller!

Your mom/dad is moist

Kids now-a-days, and around Rawdog’s age, don’t know what metal really is because they only got to experience bands like System of a Down and the like. One thing that bothered me about awards and all that shit back in the 80’s was they would put bands like Poison in a “best new metal” or “heavy metal” category. That’s just pure D bullshit, I remember thinking, “why the fuck isn’t Metallica or Slayer in there? Now that’s metal, not fucking Def Leppard!” Anyway, whatever, too bad for you youngin’s that get shit music these days. That about covers it for this re-cap, Happy Father’s Day to all you good dads out there, I hope you all have a great weekend and get a blowjob! You know your dad’s getting one, sure it’s from that stupid bitch with a bulbous baboon ass you call a mother, but at least she gobbles up the cock like a champion. OH!