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Show Recap for Thursday 9/11/2014

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Hey there Lads and Ladies, and hopefully black people who are also Lads and Ladies, but, like Ellis, I’m just gonna throw the specification out there and hope that you are part of the audience of The Jason Ellis Show and are also here reading this wonderful recap on this fantastic site…and, really, no matter how many times I tried to write that sentence, it still feels kind of racist, so I’m just gonna throw out there that my Great Grandma’s name is Xulema and she was from Louisiana and I have booty for days and hold on to the dear hope that I am more than just the whitest of the white. God…still kind of racist. Whatever. Today’s show was not, in fact, a Best Of, which Hubbs and I may have been the only people who thought that for three seconds before we realized we were tuned into the Jason Ellis Channel (SiriusXM 713) rather than The Jason Ellis Show on Faction with Jason Ellis (SiriusXM 41) and Jason opened up the show with a big welcome to all of us listening and his sincere desire to have more really black friends because he doesn’t have close black friends, not to offend any of the acquaintance type friends he has that are black, and he thinks life would be better if he had one. And somewhere, Sal Masekela was probably listening to Ellis say these words and I imagine a single solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he was referred to as a ‘cream pie’ because…HA motherfucking Ha.

Anyway, HotDog wanders his wonderful boob touching self into the studio and he gets to talking with Ellis and Tully about what he’s been up to as of late and he says that he’s been loafing it pretty hard the past few days, which sounds really offensive to me, but he really just means that he’s been up to a whole lot of nothing but getting high and watching television. Which, consequently seems to be on the menu for da Hubbs and I since we have managed to find ourselves unemployed (and no, it’s not because we got caught having sex on a roof somewhere), except for the whole getting high thing since neither of us do that, and not really so much of the watching TV thing since we don’t really do that either. I’m actually fully over How It’s Made…I don’t think they make new episodes anymore (the Dream Cars don’t count because I don’t care about them) and I’ve seen every existing episode about a thousand times. Yeah, I inserted my own personal tragedy there. Fucking shithole douchebag scumbag asshole boss was like “Consider yourself unemployed because I need to blame someone for my mistakes that I make running my own business,” and I’m a little bummed, but also really mostly over it. On to bigger and better things and more time for recaps…am I right? But yeah, so Ellis, Tully, and Hotdog talked about working out, which is something that HotDog does not do, but thinks about from time to time and it seems like he might be taking some lessons from Ellis at his Garage Onnit Gym because HotDog can get his hands on a Tractor Tire, probably. Ellis and Tully also find out that HotDog has an apartment in LA (which I have no idea how they missed that the 100 other times he mentioned it) and learn that his favorite foods are pizza, doritos, and popcorn. Tully pegs HotDog as one of the luckiest people alive because he is one of those people whose life’s ambitions and pleasures are all relatively simple, as he is a young man who has never owned a pair of jeans in his life. I think Tully is kind of jealous of the happiness that HotDog finds in simplicity, but we all already know that Tully would kind of love to be one of those kinds of people, but in reality would probably hate it unless he managed to get a brain transplant so he could have the kind of personality to be satisfied by the simpler things in life.

Today is the HotDog’s first actual day back for his second round of interning for The Jason Ellis Show (which means all those boob grabs were freeloader boob grabs) and Ellis and Tully talk to him a bit about what he’s learned about the Radio Industry considering it is what HotDog wants to do with his life. He replies that he’s learned a lot about call screening and that he’s learned a lot about behind the scenes stuff from Will and Tully, and credits Ellis with teaching him how to work with people. Which is kind of funny since Ellis can come off rather volatile at times (because he cares, no hate here) but he clarifies saying that Ellis puts a premium on having everyone work together as a team to get things done. Then Ellis kind of puts HotDog on the spot and has him host a bit to try out the ‘Radio Host’ aspect of the biz and puts him on for Dude, Am I A Slut. HotDog only got to take two calls from two sort of sluts but sort of not sluts and I had my finger on the call button on my phone to call to have HotDog tell me that I am a slut because I felt bad, but I was behind a couple minutes in listening and by the time I got through they weren’t doing it anymore. Ellis gave HotDog a few pointers on what he can take away from the experience (other than being bad at it, but I don’t think he was that bad) and also let him know that over the course of this internship he’ll be given a few more shots at running bits to see if he gets any better, which is pretty cool.

After HotDog goes back to the Dungeon (or Green Room, you know, whatever you wanna call it) Tully brings up the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter last night, and what Ellis thought about it. Ellis didn’t think all that much about it other than the house seemed cool and he noticed Justin Bua’s artwork on the walls, and the girls all seem like good fighters, but since there’s only been one episode he didn’t really have a handle on who he would pick to be a winner at this point. He talked a bit about the fight that took place on the episode and how, in the after show, the girl that lost was very steadfast with certainty that she shouldn’t have lost the fight even though she was on the ground most of the time, and Ellis said he’s starting to kind of understand that angle, which is an angle he previously took issue with. Ellis also said that he was kind of into the whole aftershow since he was more interested in watching the girl and host talk about the fight than he was in watching whatever drama occurred during the show itself when the girls were crying about who stole who’s makeup. It makes more sense than there being an aftershow for Teen Wolf, anyway…sorry short lived member of DDD! TyPo! (Lol, jk I’m not sorry at all, I don’t give a half shit about that show).

A Happy Birthday is in store for The Backbone, Bryan Cullen, the man behind the scenes and across the country from The Jason Ellis Show, so…Happy Birthday!!!! And yeah, it really blows that your birthday will basically forever be overshadowed by the fact that a National Tragedy occurred on this date in more recent history because thousands of innocent people lost their lives…and there’s no other way to end that sentence. It is also September 11th, which is a date that no one will ever forget, and a day where I hope everyone takes just a couple of minutes to remember the lives lost, and the lives that continue to be lost not just because of the terrorist organization responsible for the WTC and Pentagon attacks, but because of Terror Organizations everywhere…with all this ISIS stuff going on, with the unrest in Syria…wars are still being fought whether they are called wars or not, and there are still Americans overseas losing their lives as well as the innocent people in those countries who are subjected to horrific things every day. I don’t think there can ever be world peace, but, I think that there is a more peaceful world we can be living in and I think it’s important to remember. There are a lot of people who think we should forget, who don’t want to remember, and I understand that…but it’s like saying all those people don’t matter. I’m a New Yorker, September 11th is a big deal to me…I know people who died 13 years ago today and I know people who are still overseas fighting these battles. It’s a sad day, like Ellis said, but Happy Birthday Backbone, you’re a great man to us all!

On to….equally depressing things…Ellis is headed to Australia for the Holiday Season. Like, really. Had to talk about booking flights and stuff and it occurs to him now that he is actually going through with it and he is going to be in Australia for the first time since he was married. That’s a long time. It’s kind of messing with him a bit because there’s a lot of unresolved shit back home in Koala Land and as much as he wants to deal with it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he just wants to be past it and…he says he feels like he’s ready but…oh ellipses, you’re such a brutal fuck sometimes. Ellis has issues with his Mum and how she reacted to him trying to talk to her about things from his childhood and he has a lot of resentment for her and doesn’t  really think that she did the best that she could with him considering the cards that she was dealt. Ellis wants her to have a relationship with his kids and his kids want a relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to let his kids in on the info that screwed his relationship with his mother in the first place. This part of the show was super sad for me. I dunno…there were a couple of callers with some really good advice and a lot of encouragement and Tully suggesting that maybe he should just write his mother off in his mind (until his kids are grown and he can write her off for real) and it was just sad. I mean, really, Ellis’s mother didn’t even text him back when he was going in for Heart Surgery. That shit is colder than cold.

Back from the first break, Women, Am I Right? If you were listening yesterday then you knew this was on the menu for today and after a long break between crazy lady stories…let’s see what antics the female population has been up to, shall we? First off there’s the lady who crashed her car while shaving her vag on her way to see her boyfriend…which is just…amazing. I mean…I get touchy shaving my vag in the shower because I’m scared that one false move will disfigure my very very beautiful vagina…but holy, shit lady…what happens if you hit a bump in the road? Or you know, like another fucking car?!?!?!?!?!?! But, I guess she thought she had all her bases covered since she had her Ex-Husband in the car with her and he was working the wheel while she had her feet on the pedals and her hands and eyeballs on her vaginal area, so I can see how she felt a little more confident in this FUCKING INSANE ENDEAVOR. And, also lady, hi five on getting your ex to help you drive to your boyfriend’s house while you shave your vag #classyasfuck. Next up, there’s the lady who performed a home invasion and bit the face of her female victim and claimed it was part of a zombie game and had nothing to do with her being high as fuck, and I’m just over here being like, The Walking Dead isn’t even back on TV for another month you dummy. Although it did make Ellis think that he should start a zombie game on Instagram, which I kind of look forward to cause, you know, Zombies rule. That kind of pales in comparison to the Florida Babysitter who stabbed a man she babysits for because he refused to have sex with her. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Isn’t the Dad supposed to be all creepy and try and seduce the babysitter? And on and on it went because…Women, Am I Right?

Speaking of New York (which I was earlier and so were Jason and Tully) The Jason Ellis Show is performing a Tour de Horse this October and will be coming to New York for a week and topping it all of Saturday, October 25th with a HorseForce performance and hopefully some Ellismania Fight Prelims cause HELL YEAH!!!! Ellis wants to take some calls for ideas from fans for some new fight ideas because NY is gonna be a test run for whichever fight seems like it will work the best and then that is going to be a new fight at the long anticipated Ellismania 10, prolly in Vegas. Ellis is still backing his Master Blaster idea where two people are strapped to him and Kit Cope and they all duke it out and there are some other promising ideas put forth by callers including a Blindfold Fight, A Bouncy Castle type Fight, a T-Rex Fight, a Fight with weighted Boots, and some other things which I missed because shit happened and I lost 5 minutes…but it was only five minutes so…deal with it. Tully also brought up an idea for Shock Collar Charades performed by fans which I think sounds like an amazing idea and I fully volunteer to don the shock collar and act out charades for Hubbs to guess…because that’s sexy, because I’m a freak. They’re also thinking about bringing the punch pad out here and letting fans throw some punches, and having HotDog judge him some East Coast Boobies…which, again, I volunteer myself for, because my boobs are awesome and Hubbs is cool with it because it’s for a good cause.

Back from another break Tully and Ellis are talking about a statue in Vancouver that is a giant Satan where the penis was taken off for being offensive. There is a petition going around to have the Satan statue re-endowed and the police up there are all ‘hey, come on down and get the penis’ but no one has fallen for that one yet. They go on to talk about all manner of statues that could be lewd and crude and offensive and wonder if they would be forced to take them down or not, and if the same size statue, but of Jesus or something Christian were around, if people would have a problem with it. This gets transitioned into a veryveryveryvery long segment where Tully wonders if there’s any other Celebrity/Public figure that deserves to be taken care of/given a job a la World’s Greatest Wednesday Hulk Hogan. And…honestly…I was not a big fan of the segment. It went on for like 45 minutes longer than it should of and my mind constantly wandered to, “huh, I guess they didn’t have much planned for the show today” and if I pumped it up and was all, ‘best segment ever’ I’d be a liar and I am not a liar. I enjoyed it for the first 15 minutes, approximately, but then it got all draggy and I continued taking notes but not being too happy about it. There are several celebs who Ellis and Tully think are deserving of the Hulk Hogan treatment, like Marilyn Manson, Cindy Lauper, Pamela Anderson, Danzig, David Lee Roth, and Mr. T…and they should be showered with small apartments or farms in Minnesota, but there were tons of celebs offered up by the callers that got the big ‘hell no’ or the less offensive, ‘no, they don’t really need any help, they’re doing good’ like Tomg Green, Pauly Shore, LT, Ralph Macchio, and Vanilla Ice. Like I said, I didn’t really enjoy the segment and it fell kinda flat, so I’m not going to subject you to reading about it because in this case, I HAVE ALL THE POWER SO YOU GOTS TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY WILL NIETSCHE-STYLE.

Rounding out the show, amidst final calls, Tully brings up that Ellis will be on with Dr. Drew tonight and one of the things that he will be discussing is the lady who decided to give her child some Fireball Whiskey, post a pic of it to Facebook, and subsequently was arrested. Now, Ellis and Tully seem to agree that this woman was very stupid to post the picture to social media given that in these wonderful times we live in, there are whistle blowers everywhere, and she may generally not be the best mom ever…but criminal? They go back and forth on the difference of if it had been a sip of beer, if the kid had been older than 7, if it was a shot as opposed to a sip…and I just think that we’re in different times. Things that our parents did to us or for us, are things that get people arrested today, for better or for worse. No…you probably should not give a 7 year old a sip of whiskey, but you should definitely not do it and then post it to Facebook. I don’t remember when I had my first taste of wine, but I was prolly around 9 and my parents didn’t make a big deal about it. I don’t really worry about it with my stepson because he thinks that Daddy’s beer smells really bad (probably because he thinks anything that isn’t water is disgusting). Do I think the lady should have been arrested and that she should go to jail? Not really. If anything, yeah, maybe get CPS to pay her a visit and make sure everything is going okay and at most she should have been given some sort of citation…but prolly having her arrested is insane. There was a caller that suggested that maybe there was something more going on behind the scenes since she experienced something similar and DSS asked her a couple questions and everything was okay…but I don’t even know about that. Social workers are people, they have to rely on their own instincts to make judgment calls and sometimes they can be overly cautious…also, considering the amount of scrutiny that Social Workers are under nowadays some may operate under the ‘better safe than sorry’ policy that can lead to traumatic experiences for families who haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever…just some thoughts.

What we learned on TJES today:

Ellis wants more black friends

HotDog gets the refillable bucket of popcorn at the movie theater so he can bring it home for snacktime

Caller Holly is a Slut…and she knows it

Ellis is going to start Transcendental Meditation with Katie

Don’t shave and drive

Sluggo Hurt his back

Leave Danzig Alone

BJ Baldwin is kind of a superstar

Minnesota has plenty of room to give some celebs free farms

Burt Reynolds > Ocean’s 11 cast

Ellis is going to see Sam Tripoli perform some comedy tonight

Good Comedy is way harder to find than Good Tits

 

 

Thanks for listening to me blather on, guys!!! Love you xoxo

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/9/14

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DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA REALLY WANT THE TRUTH!!! DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH!!! HE AIN’T JACK THE RIPPER HE’S YOUR ORDINARY CROOK!!! CALLIN’ MAXWELL MURDER FOR YOOOOOOUUU!!!! Fuck, if the date was only a couple digits different, we could call it Rancid day and have punks across the land starting mosh pits in the most unexpected and inappropriate places and situations. Or even better, revive the little known British punk band 999 and make catchy melodic songs about cheating girlfriends and a strong belief in the theory of homicide. Whatever though, it’s Tuesday and I’ve only got less than three weeks before I hit the road up north to the land of moose cum slurpees and a thousand recipes for poutine! I’m fucking excited, how about you? I’m gonna make the stupidest, drain on society anchor baby you fuckers have ever seen! But before that, let’s talk about the Jason Ellis show, cause that’s what’s happening live in the here and now several hours ago by the time this recap actually makes it to its published stage of existence cause I have a day job and constantly have to pause the show to answer the phone or play psychiatrist to someone with automotive troubles and I’ll probably be listening to more than half of the show later this evening with the on-demand function of the SiriusXM online player! Today got rolling with what seemed to be more intro music than normal, but I did have to pause a million times and didn’t want to fast forward in case I missed the opening and then had to hear Holy Diver again. After that though, Jason got to talking about how coffee is just wonderful, and I agree and when I’m done with this recap I’ll be freebasing Folgers so that I can stay up late and clean my apartment. Jude was in studio to chop it up with the guys today. Jude was watching some glory hole porn and came to the realization that the people on the business end are probably bashing their faces against the wall a lot more than your average person might realize. Jason is on antibiotics right now cause of dog blood shit SARS cancer, which sucks cause he just got off of all the blood thinners from the heart surgery and it has just been a chemical fueled nightmare for The Wing without the awesome side effects of actually getting high. The guys discussed how proper animal husbandry and science kind of requires you to stop letting dogs lick your face cause they do a wide range of horrible things with those mouths at all times of day. Also, probably a good idea to chase down your hairless cat and dunk it in a sink full of Purell from time to time cause they’re terrible at cleaning themselves. Luckily, the pain of their pestilence is all in your head, but unfortunately the bleeding rectum is entirely real. Jason also had a really good therapy session last night which brings us to Jude’s fucked up evil psychology. He’s an awesome dude, and he’s got his ways of working through things that are just different. Jude has been trying to find a lady worth keeping around longer than a few good fuck sessions lately and it’s kind of seeming like it’s going good for him and we’re glad to hear it. The only thing fucking up his crusade is the fact that pussy is fantastic and sometimes it’s the only thing that’s gonna satisfy the beast within. Tully on the other hand is happily married and hiding his alcoholism very well from his loved ones so that he can keep up the facade of some level of contentment with reality. Jude had a hookup session with a random the other night and after the deed was done she started making every kind of excuse imaginable not to leave, like that she was too drunk (and then took another drink) and that she needed someone to feed her children and pay her car note cause she sure as fuck ain’t about to. Somehow or another, the guys tried to draft Cumtard into getting his dick sucked by a man for science but the guys couldn’t agree on an acceptable ratio of beard mouth to smooth mouth for Cumtard’s liking, plus insertion on the radio is still against the rules so that got put on the back burner for now. SiriusXM has just started running the bumpers of FACTION: With Jason Ellis and Jason got a little uppity about it at first since he didn’t get to hear them first, but after hearing them he’s fine with it and didn’t have to hear Dingo call it Vegemite radio, so that kind of worked out for everybody. Since they are kind of stock though, Jason decided to crank out a few of his own using some of the classic sound bites that haven’t been taken off the button bar yet, like some Bruce Lee clips and various tortures and loud noises and exercising female grunts and Rude Jude speaking high pitched for no clear reason at all. WILSON stepped in to chat with the guys about the rollicking success of the Friday hotel show, and Cumtard let everybody know that he can’t do yoga cause those videos just eventually turn into porn in his mind and he opts to release the pressure in his doom spigot rather than attaining nirvana. Jason floated the idea of the drunken porn star workout which would basically (hopefully) convince guys looking for spank material to end up exercising instead. Wilson added that each DVD could have each different type of porn lady, like tattooed girls, blondes, BBW’s, well hung trannies, et-cetera. Tully ordered a pay-per-view wank movie from his cable company and found that the experience was fucking terrible and Comcast has shitty streaming speeds and doesn’t come anywhere close to the quality and customer service of the internet and it’s endless treasure trove of carnal extreme sports. The guys played with the buttons a little more to find more sound drops that would work for FACTION: With Jason Ellis bumpers and it was just as much fun as all the other times they’ve revisited the old stuff on the button bar. It’s like visiting that old friend that sold you your first shot of smack back in junior high, only now he’s all about the designer drugs. Jude had never taken a trip down memory lane on the button bar so it seemed like a real treat for him to catch up on all the things he might have missed from precious moments passed. Unfortunately, he had to step out to go do his real job, but he did remind everybody that he did the ALS ice bucket challenge, and it’s on YouTube so if you want to laugh like an autistic howler monkey, go check it out. The guys took a break and let Lane Staley do the talking for a few minutes so they could figure out what the hell to do with the rest of our afternoons.

 

Hey, did you know Joanna Angel has her own radio show as well? It’s on Vivid Radio on SiriusXM and also at some other website too. She’s also got a call screener named Sapphire cause I mean, c’mon, you know what that lady does for a living? Of course Sapphire works on her radio show. So anyways, the guys called in to Lewd, Screwed and Tattooed which normally tends to be live phone sex (if I’m understanding the premise correctly)and chopped it up with Joanna for a bit and did a bit of show promo as well cause it’s all about folks helping each other out over at SiriusXM. When the guys got on air Joanna was talking to somebody about a tattooed Little Mermaid and how her and her female friend/co-host? need to bring a vibrator next time they see that lady. But then they put Ellis through and complimented his show and penis. They also contributed some of the most terrifying and hilarious porn-centric conversation that has probably ever been on Joanna’s show, and that’s saying something. Jason also explained how to get around that no insertion rule by jerking off the pussy the way Nina Hartley taught the guys to do that one time. Joanna also alluded to the fact that she will be smashing Katie’s box at some point in the future and I can’t think of anybody who’s not happy about that. In case you missed it on Instagram, Joanna stayed to hang out after the hotel show on Friday along with a bunch of the other ladies who were there and they all had a massive Greek orgy that would put the actual Greeks to shame. Or maybe Joanna was joking and everybody just got shit-hammered for two days cause sometimes that’s just what you need to do, but whatever the case, a good time was had by all. Some dude called in to say that Joanna has a “gorgeous meaty cunt” cause us dudes are disgusting, but no lie you ladies are too, although she was able to diffuse the use of the word cunt and get a fan to do some sort of favor so she would show her box on twitter. The guys let Joanna get back to work cause they had their own stuff to do, but they were very happy to talk to the Little Sister of the Jason Ellis Show. Remember that Ray Rice guy who should have slipped in to obscurity? Well, not more than a day has gone by and he’s back in the news again because of a lot of people’s reactions in the media, namely, Dean Cain!!! Cause fuck everything, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DEAN CAIN THINKS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!! And of course in another SHOCKING display of what a pointless organization the tax exempt NFL is, coach Ditka chimed in that it was probably just a mistake on Ray’s part. Ray Rice’s wife chimed in on the whole situation and it’s hard for me to gauge whether or not she’s got permanent victim status etched into her psyche or if they’re actually moving on as a couple and don’t need the outside world’s opinion. The guys took some calls on the topic and it seems that the wife is blaming herself for everything and if it didn’t kind of sicken me how much we glorify people for all the wrong reasons in this society, I could form a much deeper opinion on all this, but long story short if you get in an argument keep your hands to yourself and hey what ever happened to dude am I a slut? Jason just said he’s kinda over it for now, might bring it back later but no particular plans to do so at the moment. The guys talked MMA for a bit, as they’re known to do from time to time. Jason finally got to catch up on all the fights he missed over the weekend and just had to dissect everything with the reasonable mind of Tully there to bounce everything off of. After all that, the guys took a break to set up some torture with a couple new acquaintances.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands is coming back soon, so send in your shitty sound clips for public ridicule. Two 90 year old lesbians got married after being with each other for 72 years cause I guess ladies really can’t let a grudge die or something like that. The guys brought in a couple of folks for a new game they cooked up called Pain for Plugs where people can come in and get free advertising in exchange for being attacked by squirrels or molesting themselves with an eel or whatever the hell else Jason can think of. The first guy they brought in was a proper Australian who’s got a business in So-cal selling proper Australian meat pies. He had to stick his hand in a box full of angry lizards and snakes but it sounds like he’s got a quality product and you should all go find a Pie Not meat pie and get it up ya. We also got a lesson about meat pies and how 7-11 in Australia sells them instead of hot dogs, but they’re essentially the same quality of instant food product substitute that’s only fit for human consumption when one is drunk to the point of openly shoplifting pre-heated processed white flour and grade D meat filling from a 7-11. After the meat pie guy, the boys took a break to regroup and clean up all the snake piss and blood that no doubt will haunt the new studio for years to come.

 

Tully found an advice column online called Dear Prudence and the guys decided to give their own take on some of the questions that people were asking. One guy sent in a letter saying that his wife’s sex drive had disappeared and he might have accidentally made a joke about giving his wife a knockout drug to get in her vajayjay and she said “well, since I don’t really want to have to look at your grotesque O-face ever again, sure, why the fuck not?” which no doubt would surprise anyone. Needless to say, it really begs the question, would you want to bang unconscious people? Or be unconscious while getting your vaj blown apart? The guys took some phone calls on whether or not there was anything the slightest bit okay about this and it continued to remind me that not all people are bad but there are people who are all bad all the time. It’s fair to note though, that having sex with an unconscious person will require a lot of lube unless she wakes up and actually starts enjoying it halfway through. A guy called in to thank Jason for helping him get off heroin and get away from gypsies cause you really can’t trust those mother fuckers, but probably not as much as you can’t trust a heroin addict, so win win for that guy and society at large. A lady called in to tell her experience with knocked out boot knockin’ and after her doctor prescribed her ambien she was having half awake dream sex with her man and it was fucking amazing but didn’t feel entirely real to her which seems to be the only downside to it but still possibly a workable angle if you’re in a committed honest arrangement with someone. The guys suggested that the next time it happens she should film it, cause couples that do home made porn together tend to have a lot of fun with it. It’s still pretty much agreed though, fucking the dead or otherwise incapacitated is just fucked up and weird and is a pleasure only reserved for politicians and the criminally insane. You could make a seriously awesome puppet show out of your lover’s carcass though, that’s always a recipe for fun. Tully decided to make a list of things to compare to each other, specifically which of each category is more metal. It begs one to wonder, are kittens or puppies more metal? Obviously kittens because they are miniaturized condensed evil, whereas puppies are wonderful. What about diarrhea or vomit? I mean, shitting blood is metal, as has been proven by Slipknot Cereal, but vomiting can happen for so many reasons as can diarrhea and those reasons can be equally not metal. Just to step up the question though, blood diarrhea or blood vomit? Diarrhea takes the win on this one cause a stream of blood flowing from one’s rectum is really the makings of an incredibly metal concept album. Next, Sinatra or Elvis? Sure, Sinatra smacked bitches and sang songs for the mob, but Elvis died eating fried chicken on the toilet. So, penis or vagina, which is more metal? This one was tough cause vaginas have evil inside of them and bleed for days on end, but penises are the more skull crushing aggressors in most situations. Golf or tennis? There was that one tennis player who did meth and had the craziest professional mullet ever, but Jason mentioned some golfer who apparently won and I didn’t catch the reason why. Next up, chainsaws or sawed off shotguns? As a lifelong devotee of the Evil Dead franchise and hopeful future adopted son of Bruce Campbell, I am satisfied with either answer cause he had both and he was cleaning up shop like a fucking boss in the backwoods of Michigan and medieval Britain. After that, Metallica or Slayer? Slayer just slightly won this one cause they’re not as popular and homeboy really can’t sing for shit and they’ve kept it that way for 30 years on purpose. Mexico or Canada? Well, Mexico has a lot more evil mythical creatures and free health care is the most anti-hesher social policy in existence. Heroin or Cocaine? Well, heroin is too much of a downer to get up and rage but cocaine keeps you angry paranoid and energetic for hours and hours of thrashing. Cancer or Heart disease? Well, cancer has no cure and erodes the body from the inside out and replicates as the most unacceptable lumps and lesions a human body can suffer, so cancer for the win! And while we’re talking diseases, The Plague or flesh eating bacteria? Plague definitely sounds more metal and it’s been around for hundreds of years. Piranha or giant squid? Squids are kind of pussies, so it’s obviously the murderous piranha. Competitive eating or parkour? Well, you can eat yourself to death and explode on the crowd in a shower of blood and feces, but nothing like that will ever happen in parkour. Wolves or sharks? I’ll give you a minute……

 

Wolves. Wolves are a cohesive unit, sharks are not that coordinated in their slaughter. Boulders or steel? Cocaine comes in boulders so that’s the winner. Darth Vader or the pope? Darth Vader is black and tortures people, but the pope? I mean, holy fuck the pope! He’s been the ruler of centuries of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen and they’re continuing to this day AND IT’S NOT A FICTIONAL STORY (except that whole bible thing he writes his speeches from). Rainbows or unicorns? A horse with a horn can commit murder with the right rider on it’s back, so that’s that. Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob Squarepants? Barney is obviously some type of incredible sexual deviant that might have a few juvenile murders under his belt, but Spongebob is a sponge and his hands could barely meet over the top of his head, so you decide. Pirates or clowns? I haven’t seen a news report in this century about a pirate cannibalizing children, BUT CLOWNS HAVE! But then again, pirates do fuck shit up pretty hard to in their own right, so it may be too close to call. Burial or cremation? Well, fire gets you closer to Satan so cremation it is. And to trump that, what if it’s done to you while you’re still alive? STILL CREMATION!!! Vampires or werewolves? Vampires are too well groomed whereas werewolves are grimey and tortured and destroy everywhere they go. Spiders or snakes? Cold blood wins. Tampons or adult diapers? Well, that all depends whether or not you’re shitting blood. Freddy or Jason? Freddy is too much of a jester, Jason was just a misunderstood kid with a serial killer mom who decided to take over the family business when he returned from the dead. Steven Segal or Jean-Claud Van Damme? Segal did have that sex dungeon, but Van Damme kickboxed a guy with broken glass glued to his fingers in an underground dojo. Prison or Sea World? Prison, think back to sharks. Judas Priest or Iron Maiden? Buttfucking wins over bangs. Snow White or the Little Mermaid? Ariel was too slutty to be metal and Snow White definitely did a seven midget gang bang in the woods fucked up on the LSD found in many types of mold, like you might get on an apple. And finally, Dave Mustaine or Jimi Hendrix? Getting off alcohol is not metal enough, but he did get kicked out of Metallica which is pretty metal. The guys took a breather after all that metal to play us all some metal.

 

You know about fashion week, right? A few years ago, Hole played fashion week and they stiffed a guy on his bill to film them so he decided years later to release the footage of Courtney Love’s isolated vocals and guitar and much like that isolated track of Britney Spears, it shows a level of talent reserved for the mentally incapacitated or victims of severe brain trauma. If you didn’t catch it yesterday, The show is going to New York to do a bunch of radio and the debut performance of Horse Force and also play cricket against whoever decides  to show up. That’s all gonna be happening next month though, so let your boss know you’re gonna be calling in sick of their bullshit on the appropriate day in October. Jason played some of the raw audio of all the girls working out on Friday which really did sound like a massive Greek orgy so I guess mission accomplished. The guys took some final calls and stuff as their known to do, plus I have too much delay on the on-demand left to finish listening before Wednesday’s show comes on live and delaying this for four hours when it’s probably gonna be bullshit anyways is just ridiculous, so sit back and enjoy and fist yourself with a slow hand.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/5/2014

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titties-are-out

Who wants champagne & titties?

It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.

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The only time in history nobody complained about the camera being blocked.

Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.

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What could be better than a hot chicks ass? Tully’s ass.

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Hotdog going to do man work, feeling boobs!

Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.

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Fonzo didn’t realize winning meant he’d have to be that close to Cumtard’s ass tail.

Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.

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MumTard must be so proud of her little CumAngel.

Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 9/3/2014

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who-me-what

Is he gonna mention… OH! HE DID! Doo-doot-dah-doo.

Welcome to Wednesday and welcome to this recap, bitPimps here filling in for your usual Wednesday host CrackerStacker6. He’s busy playing grown up with work stuff, so you’re stuck with me. Deal with it. Ellis might try some transinmental demonstrations, also known as transcendental meditation, which of course is also known as letting your cock do the feeling for you – literally. He also thinks he’s got 2 ingrown hairs above his dick from the waxing, making it look like a face down there. Katie tried to pop them shits and get the hair out and she also popped a pimple on Ellis’ back, because she’s a ride or die bitch. Tully’s got a wicked pimple on the back of his earlobe that he just can’t get. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show on HLN last night. They talked about War Machine and how some people are backing him beating up his ex-girlfriend because, trifling bitches be getting outta line. Then they talked about the recently leaked nude photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, also known as “The Fappening”. I got a shout out for sending Ellis a tweet last night about the topic which spurred him to drop a sweet little mini-bomb on Drew’s show, it was pretty hilarious because it broke this bitches brain to the point she couldn’t even finish her sentence and the rest of the panel was left a bit speechless. Oh, live broadcast Friday from the Roosevelt, 15 girls gargling cum and spitting it into each other’s assholes! There’s a contest too, if you can get to Hollywood on Friday, you can be eligible to win your shot at being a part of this massive dick-ka-bob orgy fest, plus you could walk away with all kinds of free kick-ass shit. Hit up WolfknifeOfTheYear.com or MissWolfknives.com to enter and win!

Hollywood News time, Cee Lo Green is stupid and might be getting fucked in the buttocks for saying kind of getting convicted of rape and kind of saying it ain’t rape if the bitch is unconscious. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married! Did you just cum? Corey Feldman got divorced or something! Did you just cum again? Justin Bieber wrecked his ATV into someone’s minivan and got into a fight so now he’s in trouble again. Clean up your cum. As well all know, Suge Knight got shot the fuck up, maybe because he was going to be a rat and write a book about some dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Spray some Febreze, it still smells cummy. Chris Tucker owes back taxes for 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008, and 2010 – for a grand total of $14M! Holy shit man. You just got knocked the fuck out lost your home and cars! The lead singer of Survivor died, ironically – Survivor, get it?

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George Washington definitely drank his own Kool-Aid.

A listener (Ryan) sent in an electric fly-swapper / bug zapper racket thing, so of course it had to be tested on Cumtard. Tully shocked Cumtard’s bare ass and flab-abs for awhile, it sounds like we might have a new torture device for the show. Then Wilson brought in his massive white meat, ham hock shins for a zapping on his bad knee. I don’t think it helped, but tomorrow will be the real indicator. Cumtard got another zap on his ear and saw God. World’s Greatest Wednesday, who in their own mind, believes themselves to be – at their peak – the world’s greatest person? Whether they are or not. Here are your top 10, in order:

  1. Kanye West
  2. Dan Bilzerian
  3. Genghis Khan
  4. William Shatner
  5. Kim Jong-un
  6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  7. Steven Seagal
  8. Hulk Hogan
  9. Charlie Sheen
  10. Muhammad Ali
meme-will-smith

What’s on my face? I mean, besides a handsome smile?

Floridians have been put on alert by a fat, furry caterpillar that makes itself a home in the trees there. The catch? It’s covered in venom and will fuck your shit up quick, son. But enough about furry little caterpillars that will kill you, it’s time for What’s On My Face! Cumtard will be competing against Ellis, both will be wearing the “cone of shame” that dogs wear when they get their nuts clipped. Cumtard gets the first mystery item, which turned out to be honey. Ellis missed his guess, which turned out to be wet toilet paper. Cumtard scores his second point by guessing the next item, chewed up bubble gum. Ellis scores his first point by guessing a stick of butter. Cumtard guessed his next item pretty easily because Jetta cracked an egg on his forehead and dumped it into the cone of shame. Ellis managed to guess his next item, vaseline. I’m near pissing myself at this point between the egg and vaseline. Cumtard finally guessed his next item, it took him awhile, but he finally got it – a tampon. Ellis got his next item pretty quickly as it ran into his eye, it was yogurt. Cumtard can’t stop smelling cum and shit and now his next item is leaking into his eye as well, but he powered through and guess it, it was pork-n-beans. Ellis can’t stop guessing seriously dead meat, he’s losing composure on this one as Hotdog keeps smushing this thing into his face & head. He never regained composure and failed to guess the item, a raw chicken foot. Cumtard just got waterboarded so he guessed it pretty quickly, but was terrified as he almost drown. Ellis guessed his next item pretty quickly as well, probably from the stench & suction, it was an octopus tentacle. Cumtard heard the words you never want to hear for his next item, among the various “OH NO!” and “I don’t know where that one went” comments, he finally guessed it, meal worms. Ellis guessed his right way as it got a shock collar right to the face. Cumtard got his next item right away too, permanent marker being scribbled on his face. Ellis didn’t take long fo guess his last item either as it started to freak out on his face, it was a gecko. For those of you not keeping score, Cumtard won the contest. Recapping it just doesn’t do it justice, you should really go back and listen to the bit, it was pretty fucking hilarious.

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Food service workers. Fucking up your order since the beginning.

I don’t know if this proves there is no God, or it proves there is a God, but this Brazilian man was born with an upside down head and became a public speaker! Christ on bike, that image will fucking haunt you for the rest of your life, or at least for the rest of today. The man who shut down a kid’s lemonade stand is now under investigation, and not just for being a massive dickhead. Oh, by the way, check out Faction. Some of Ellis’ 2 hour pre and 2 hour post show music selections are starting to work their way into the mix! That pretty much wraps up the show and this recap. I hope you enjoyed yourself. And now, back to your regular scheduled programming.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/2/14

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Leezus Christ, I have one three day weekend, and the next thing you know everybody comes in on Tuesday thinking I should drop everything to solve their socio-economic problems by way of auto repair. And that god damn phone won’t stop ringing no matter how many old-timey poxes I place upon it. It’s a fuckin’ madhouse in here folks! Luckily for me, only a few more weeks before I get to go pedal to the medal across the border while dropping a deuce out the window and burning my draft card. In the meantime though, ELLIS SHOW! I’m sure they’re gonna be having a day much like mine cause that’s what happens when federal holidays fall on a Monday. The show kicked off with Jason reminding himself that short weeks are fucking sweet cause you don’t have to put up with everybody else’s bullshit quite as much before the weekend is back again! Also, he’s stopped having sweaty palms, which is always a plus. Tully is beginning to think he’s passed his own sweatiness down to the McGook baby but that still remains to be seen. Jason still holds the record as sweatiest bastard at his gym though, so Tully’s gonna have to step his game up. The guys talked for a bit about people with fast metabolisms and how it makes them have small boobs, but that’s not a bad thing because (speaking as a human male between the ages of birth and death) titties are just fantastic. There’s gotta be something really wrong with them for anybody to really have a problem with them. Tully had to chase a toddler with pants full of shit over the weekend and almost broke his foot on the coffee table or something, I kinda missed it. Ellis keeps getting cakes to enjoy with the family cause when you’re divorced with children, presents really do buy the love of your offspring. The only problem is, Tiger can’t keep his mouth shut and got greedy by trying to see if Mom would one-up Dad but that just started an argument. Jude stopped by for a little bit to rub the guys faces in it that he didn’t have to hang out with his kid and instead got to hang out with a fuck load of lesbians, which would certainly have some high points for pretty much anybody to be involved in. The guys talked for a while about how bitches be too god damn jealous, especially when you’re the only penis in a party full of taco bumpers, because you’re basically the greatest anatomical competition that could exist. But Jude has seen dude’s get just as clingy when they land that hail Mary date with somebody way out of their league and go way too hard trying to let everybody know who they’re trying to lay claim to. Joan Rivers is in the hospital right now, cause she’s old and sometimes old people get old and have health problems. The boys talked about Joan Rivers for a while cause despite how much you might not care to see her on some red carpet event show, she has led a pretty interesting and crazy life. Jason decided if Ryan Reynolds ever played him in a Lifetime movie about Jason and Andrea’s relationship, he would get really bummed out from beyond the grave. Tully informed Jude that Juggalos are a gang in the eyes of the FBI, and it really goes to show you that the law has it’s finger in it’s own asshole, and very far from the pulse of the American public, because I’ve seen football fans do more damage than the Juggalos ever have, not to mention that the NFL is a non profit organization that still has all kinds of officially licensed merchandise for some reason or another (it’s like rich people are trying to dodge taxes or something riiculous like that!). It does have to feel a certain kind of special to maintain a job where you dress as an evil clown and write ridiculous rap music and the United States Government is keeping their eyes on you. It’s like living in that one punk squat that the cops refuse to raid because the head of the house makes sure everybody is enrolled in school or something. Jude went to a gathering of the Juggalos back in 1999 or 2000 and said it was some of the weirdest shit to hang out in, being at the upstairs room of a pool hall after an ICP concert and there’s white girls named “Crystal” in clown makeup and Violent J and Shaggy just kind of hung around looking out over the crowd like a king observing his servants. Somehow, this brought up the topic of jousting cause that would be some hilarious shit to have as an EllisMania type event where a bunch of dudes who’ve never ridden a horse get to attempt to seriously maim whichever drunk fuck was too inebriated not to sign the release form and got roped into it by his terrible friends. WILSON came in to let Jason know that there’s classes a person can take to become officially licensed to joust and that seemed to perk his spirits right up. The guys talked childhood architecture, namely kiddie pools and fort building and how from time to time people come up with really incredible shit for kids to occupy themselves with for almost no money at all. Back to jousting talk for a moment, just cause it’s so likely that a person could get impaled doing it, Tully found a news story (that I sent him) about a woman who was texting while driving and ended up going off the side of the road and was impaled through the legs and booty by a piece of the guardrail. Just goes to show you that texting and driving can only be properly failed if you’re a woman and can’t grasp the concept of speech-to-text input. And of course, who the fuck else would willingly talk to news crews fresh out of the hospital after getting impaled through the culo? While we’re on the topic of impalement, Jaosn is gonna be taking a jousting class with a bunch of other people participating, or not, he may just camp out there so he can cram a 3 day course into one, and it should probably be a weekend, but you’re invited if you can make it, but it’s not likely gonna all be on Jason’s credit card, but the pricing is competitive. If you remember from last week, the guys made some art and one of them may include Tully’s actual pubes, so if you go on eBay you can totally have Tully’s pubes framed and hanging on your wall! In case you didn’t notice (cause nobody really keeps track) Piolin is no longer on Sirius/XM and that’s great for Jason because now ther’s a whole spare studio that’s not clogging up their internet bandwidth and can be used for some of the more messy endeavors that may occur on the show, like dousing an intern in vomit or performing living cremations. Some people called in to give Jason the rundown on jousting and someone on twitter said it’s the perfect entrance for Horse Force’s first concert, which I heartily agree with. Our old friend tranny Sean called in to check in and let the guys know that he’s doing OK and that he’s gonna be getting a penis put on sometime hopefully real soon. BREAK TIME YA FUCKING WANKERS!!!

 

BUY THE WOLF PICTURES ON EBAY CAUSE ALL THE MONEY GOES TO CYSTIC FIBROSIS!!! Well, not every picture of a wolf, but the ones from the Ellis show. Remember when Russia sent a space capsule full of geckos into orbit to see their response to endless anti-gravity fucking? Well, like most things the Russians thought were a great idea, the geckos are all dead. As is that one Discovery Channel show “Sons of Guns” cause it’s about as educational as Naked and Afraid, whoops, that’s also a Discovery show, well whatever cause at least no one on that show is being accused of raping a child like the guy on Sons of Guns. Police had to come shake down a coffe shop called Java Juggs cause it might also be a den of hedonistic behavior, which I think is the essence of the capitalism, so all you republicans better take note, you keep saying free market? You better keep expecting coffee bean brothels. The guys talked UFC for a while cause I guess it happened over the weekend, and Kenda Perez called in to corroborate or disprove anything the guys may be talking about, to the best of her ability, from a slightly more insider position than Jason or Tully has. I didn’t listen all too closely but they did spend a lot of time talking about a lady whose name is Betch and that just reminded me of all the hilarious gay stereotype conversations I’ve had with people about how gay guys somehow just can’t make an “i” sound in the word bitch so it always comes out “betch” which is just delightful. Then they talked about The Expendables 3 for a while and I haven’t seen it because I would be so lost from not having seen the first two either, but I respect the concept. Jason sent Tully some music that he had found that was made by former pro skateboarder Jerome Rodgers, and if you don’t remember from a few years ago, this is the guy that retired from skateboarding to be a rapper but for all intents and purposes, he really shouldn’t have cause it’s just about impossible to get behind this music. According to Jason, with the kind of athletic ability this guy had, it made no sense that he could possibly be so incredibly bad at rapping the way he is, so much so that it’s getting difficult for him to believe that he’s not mentally handicapped. After they played a few clips from some of his songs, I’m finding it hard to argue. Tully even said that most of the people who send stuff in for unsigned bands could mop the floor with him. The guys took a break because listening to hip hop of that caliber would make me need to take a breather too.

 

TODAY IN CRYSTAL METH!!! Police in Florida were called to the scene of three people who were screaming that they had been taken hostage, but it turns out that the three were just methed all the fucking way out and all had a group hallucination! But it gets better, they emptied over a hundred rounds of handgun and shotgun ammo into the walls, threw furniture at their captor, even the toilet, really anything small enough to throw, one of the guys removed a back window (frame and all) from the building to try and make an escape route, really just methiness all around. Update to the Jerome Rodgers thing, apparently he did a few months in jail and had to roll with the white supremacist crowd to keep from having his chili ring blown apart by white supremacists, so there’s that. Perfect timing for that, cause two incredibly white people, Rob Corddry and Clark Duke came by the studio to hang out for a while. Clark Has been known to go to a wrestling symposium which consists of 500 thirty year old guys sitting around drinking beer and watching pro wrestlers on the come up of their careers for three days straight. But that’s really secondary cause the guys are in studio today to play a game of Password with Jason and  Tully. Twas a great time with hilarious clues and references to things that only a washed up Australian skateboarder and a b-list comedy actor (b-list is a compliment folks, I love Corddry’s work, and Clark Duke is great as well) would understand. When all was said and done, the winner was the english language, with Jason and Tully coming in a close second, with the password “dildo” for the win. After the game, Ellis introduced Rob and Clark to the wheel of doom and the many wonderful punishments that it includes. However, instead of all that work of wheeling in the wheel and spinning it, Jason settled on giving the guys access to an RC car and letting them do burnouts on Kevin’s ass with it. Before all that though, Rob and Clark gave the guys a quick rundown on the progress and quality of content in Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and how there’s drugs and rape and everything that makes America great, all included for the low low price of one horribly overpriced theater ticket. They also talked about Matthew McConaughey for a while and how he looks better a little bit unfit and less shredded, thus reducing the competition between normal humans and movie stars for the rest of us. The guys found the trailer for HTTM2: Electric Boogaloo (which I’m just gonna start adding to every sequel ever) and it sounds like a good god damn time for all, except for that part of the advertisement that relies on visual stimulation, that could be hit or miss, but with all of the one-liners in the preview, I’m sure it won’t be a disappointment. So, in case our attention spans are too short, Kevin CUMTARD Kraft, RC car, hilarious comedic actors, tire tracks on the anus hole, TULLY! JASON!!! WHY THE FUCK IS KEVIN WEARING A C-STRING?!???!?!!!?!???! TWO STROKE FUMES IN ENCLOSED SPACES!!! Although I’m pretty sure the RC car in question was the electric one. After all that, the guys took a break to regroup and let Cumntard’s rectum come to terms with it’s lot in life.

 

So, upon coming back from the break, the guys decided to turn to the phones and twitter for suggestions on what music to play in the two hours before and after the show that Jason now has control of. Jason has confirmed that it’s not gonna be all Metallica all the time, but definitely more of it than Faction normally plays. One guys suggested more Machine Head, which I know myself and @emilyinSD are both incredibly thrilled about. Someone else suggested Fugazi which I’m happy about as well. Social Distortion was suggested, as well as The Necromantix, Steel Panther, The God Damn Gallows, someone murdering Jetta so that he doesn’t put through suggestions that nobody else has heard of, Mudvayne, Static X, Bone Thugs ‘N’ Harmony, Iron Maiden, Willie Nelson, Propaghandi, and a bunch of other random suggestions that I didn’t have time to listen to cause work was busy as all fuck and I had to crunch out this recap with moments to spare before the next live show. This whole thing went on pretty much till the end and despite whatever I missed, I’m sure they’ve put a lot of solid choices into the lineup and that Faction music will hopefully have some truly terrible shit removed forever. Oh, and your mom called and said to bring her home a carton of cigarettes, plan B, and an enema. She’s going out to find you a stepdaddy tonight.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,