2013

Posted on February 7, 2013 by wiz1010

A long long time ago, in a far far away place, on a Thursday too coincidentally, someone somewhere made a huge mistake, accidental genius one might say, and let some Aussie washed up skate boarder hop on a microphone and riff. I don’t think it was Birdman he was referring too, and sharp things fucking suck dude. Drama nearby the swing-house studios. Cop cars and ghetto birds flying around, apparently looking for some former cop who went AWOL and started killing other cops n shit, fucking gnarly shit bro. Awso equawwy as fucking gnarwy, check out who’s in the Huffington Post sewwing his super accurate fortune cookies. Did you know when Ellis works out, Fionna Apple is too little, and Sepultura’s 1st album is too much. You can thank Rawdog for that first artist being on Ellis’s ipod. Speaking of Rawdog, he’s getting all cut up, well not yet but he is working out and getting into it, you go girl! Did you know phones make us bad parents? But not Tully, superdad got his twinkle twinkle skills down. Bindi Irwin, daughter of no longer with us superdad Steve Irwin, told Hillary Clinton to shove it, yo also go girl! She also is apparently in Bindi’s Boot Camp, but it ain’t no JewManji so I ain’t checked that out yet. Oh shit, how could I forget, Ellis was working the heavy bag when he felt something happen, possibly a slipped disc, or displaced rib, that or he’s pregnant, and the baby collapsed his lung, something like that….

Hey Hey it wasn’t my fucking idea!

Self proclaimed ledge Steven Seagal has a new posse to teach front kicks to while overlooking the Arizona public school system. I wonder if Seagal uses the same facial creme Ellis got in the mail today? Whateves right – Remember DirtShark from DirtShark.com fame, if you don’t he came on the show a while back with a moto dude, and personally it was some of the shittiest TJES I’ve ever heard, still better than 96% of the shit out there though. Anyways, this dude seems to get sweeter by the minute, starting with his Sharklets he’s bringing by later to play a game, kinda sweet huh. So the game has some questions that need to be answered ahead of time, and Rawdog Ellis n Tully were the first to go. Short n sweet, Ellis fucks like he plays rugby, while Rawdogs a sorta table tennis kinda guy. While Tully’s Mom’s best feature is her smile, Ellis’s has to be her tits. Tully refuses to fuck hatians, Ellis wont do a Nazi, and Rawdog is against slamming any retards. Women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, drive or play basketball on TV per Ellis. About then Tully committed to a plan to go softy McFrostington on ’em saying women shouldn’t cry without a shoulder to cry on, PFFFfag. And how much on a first date should you spend? Rawdog calculated the average over his last ~~few~~ dates, he spent 70 bucks. Ellis was willing to spend whatever it takes, while Tully would pay whatever she costs…..kinda the same thing idn’t it?

This is why Rawdog will Never go to jail!

Bitch Had It Coming News is just fucking nasty, and sounds like a NoYouAre joke to me. What would happen to your ass in jail? Well we all remember that Rawdog is doomed as a drug mule so there goes his ass. Ellis thinks he’d be raped for sure, or shanked, or both, at the same time. Wonder if Rawdog would get shanked, possibly Tully thinks somebody would have too even if just cause they finally can kill someone. And what if you fuck a dude in jail, do you come out of jail with a totally different outlook on ass and whos it is? This and more on The Jason Fucking Ellis Show Barry Damn It! So yesterday I told you not to quote me on the email address for Unsigned Farts, and hopefully you didn’t. If you have an Unsigned fart, email it to jellis@siriusxm.com. Shout out to all you muthafuckers who sent in farts n burps for today’s vulgar display of awesomeness. Truth though, if your gonna make one of these, you gotta try to get the vocals and the fart/burp together at the same time. Except for that dude who said “I cum under it from under” you keep doing what you do homie! Aussie News is just lame man, fucking pussies. If Ellis were president, he’d not only ban birthday singing at restaurants but set a minimum grade for all meat. This of course doesn’t apply the Bee restaurants and their famous Honey Burgers, I mean really. Mexicans Am I Right? So did they take all the shitty jobs from the 14 year old white kids, or are today’s youth just too lazy or good for working the drive through at Burger King? Who knows, but they got cool cars and their chicken is pretty fucking slammin’ too.

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Tara

Gemma

So remember that game and those Sharklets that DirtSharks bring by, well he brought ’em by, say hello to Gemma and Tara. One’s from Australia the other New Zealand, and both looking for that guy whos a FGC (Future Green Card). They also both sweat Dingo, but then again it is fucking Dingo right! Ellis had to school ’em on who was the first to make it America, really just revealing he’s getting up there a little in years. Turns out these two chics live a few blocks away, and are willing to stop by everyday if the show just provides beer. You thinking what I’m thinking…..Dingo’s fucking really cool huh. One of them’s sponsored by Monster n one hosts something on Fuel TV, blah blah blah blah. Look they’re pretty fucking hot, and if you ran the show you’d be sweatin’ this opportunity, plus we got a game. Today’s game is brought to you by DirtShark Wednesdays so get it up ya! So you remember earlier Tully n freinds answered a few questions, well apparently so did Will Shindarvis, Cumtard, and the intern guy, and the Sharklets had to answer them. Winner gets a date, loser got off lucky cause there was no penalty this go around. First off, these chis are a lot of fun I’m sure, so Tully’s romantic soft thought out shit just didn’t cut it. The fucking intern don’t really matter yet, so theres that. Rawdizzle did ok, since he does draw the line at sticking shit in his ass without asking if you wanna a piece of the Dog. Will read the questions and sabotaged Ellis’s answers, so The Wing was fucked from the start. Despite Will’s antics, he still fell short with his chess like fucking skills, and his answer that practically begged for a date with these chics. So would I leave out, oh shit Cumtard from sector Cumtard of Planet Cumtardia, well despite his bull riding skills in the moon bounce, he got stiffed on the date he won, and instead was jsut offered to take His Shirt off in front of them…..he respectfully declined.

Fucking Oath Mate – Just Like Me Mum

Coming soon Im sure, Ellismate approved pasties. They’re just stickers, but they work like a champ, and damn near were tested live in the studio. Its not insertion so its mellow, much like final calls were. Anyone could have called in to talk to these chics, or DirtShark even, but nope they were just about all for The Wing. Hey Ellis, whats it like for you and your chic to wanna fuck everyone all the time? Yo Ellis, tell me more about old man balls on your chic at swinger parties. Ellis, Ellis, did Rawdog microwave anymore cum? Dirtshark did let us know to look for the possible ‘Chad Reedets’ coming soon, allegedly maybe? Ever wonder what its like to watch TV with Ellis? Poto, Pussy, Poto, Punching, Poto, Pussy, Punching, Pussy, Poto! Glad to not the The Hills in there, cause everyone knows Josh Hansen is a huge start in Australia. Its weird I know, much like Americans and their fascination with wallabies as pets. Not as weird as Ellis’s nickname with his real friends – Bubbles! Yeah but I don’t know him that well so I ain’t calling him that, ya didn’t heard me. I am however calling your grandma after i wrap this recap up so I can stick skittles up ass, fuck her, and let her taste the rainbow, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/23/2013

Posted on January 23, 2013 by wiz1010

Fucking Yamaha, I knew it!

What else would The Wing wanna do on a Wednesday, but ride a bull and be a cowboy. Oh, and of course shout out to the man, the myth, the ledge Chad Reed…who’s currently in 3rd place overall, just ahead of TotoMotoPoto and Dungey. Of course its gotta be due to his sabotage tactics, reminiscent of the Cold War or any 80’s movie. He better have that shit handy if he ever faces Spider Man at next year’s A-1, that dudes got skills. Death! Death! Die! got skills too, and laid down a fresh track last night, didn’t get to hear it yet, but were all wet with anticipation! Of course the real task was reading Shoebox’s graffiti lyric sheet. That reminds me, FUCK Revolver Magazine, and the Dallas Cowboys while were at it! Just please never trust an awards show, or a Canadian who lives in -41 degree weather, again! That goes for Beyonce too, stupid Milli Vanilli acting bitch. Also, don’t trust anyone who owns an automatic weapon, but isn’t cool with them being banned or controlled, or some sketchy shit like that. More gun talk, and some video of a dude who says kids won’t be allowed to own turtles if we ban assault rifles, but I couldn’t find it and it wasn’t that riveting.

Happy BDay Tully’s Mom!

Hollywood News is always riveting, and so is Johnny Deep’s ex girl friend, who’s fucking some new chic, yup! Arnold is more interested in fucking his old chic, lizard lips. Speaking of Arnold, turns out Rawdog saw The Last Stand recently, and said it was damn good despite his gut going into the movie, and that it was only like 10th ranked after its opening weekend in box office sales. What was #1? Your Mama, seriously it was. Of course none of those are a match for The Jew Box. Ellis gave us a in depth recap of this masterpiece, starring Matisyahu, and whoever else is in the fucking movie. Sounded good to me, especially the ‘Jew Buzzer’ scene, so be sure to get it up ya! Do you know the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Snoop Lion doesn’t know the first thing about being a Rasta, or so says Bunny Wailer. Lindsay Lohan doesn’t know the first thing about a lot of things, plus she ain’t selling out either. Adele isn’t selling out her kid or his name, shes just too stupid to pull it off is all. Shia LaBeouf ain’t selling or sharing any of the shit he scored on the set of his next movie. And last but certainly not least, please don’t follow @jew_box on twitter, dude called the show and its pretty fucking creepy.

A.K.A. EllisMate beating that pussy up yo!

Check this muthafucker here out, naked on a roof, jumps off roof, breaks into home, jerks it on rug, shits on sidewalk, rubs himself over kids clothes n shit, oh and it took place in Florida! Jim Florentine took his place in Florida, after being 18 and laid only twice, he nailed a smoking hot chic first day in Florida. He stayed for 2 years! So what’s Jim been up to these days, who the fuck knows as he and Tully just spent the next hour comparing Ellismate’s sexual adventures lately, to hall of fame baseball careers such as Ted Williams, Randy “Big Unit” Johnson, and of course knuckleballer R.A. Dickey (Who has a long way to go to the HOF – just saying). From 3-2 counts to inside-the-park home runs, Florentine and Tully fucking lost me on this one, but hilarious none the less. Apparently Jim’s also big into asking his buddies for advice on the best moves to put on their ex hook ups. Hey man, if you know a trick she loves, hook me up with that info homie. And if you know a chic who’s cool with you shitting out a nugget, while having sex, I don’t fucking believe you for one second! Of course Jim wasn’t here to talk about that, though you could have fooled me, instead he will take part in the Roast of Dee Snider, tomorrow night at 9pm ET on AXS.tv. But enough about Jim, whats Ellis been up to? How about shoving 18 gauge needles in his ass and getting fake Canadian birth certificates, Red Dragons to you my friend.

Find out on TJES!

We found out Rawdog ain’t alone in his love of large areolas. One Jim Florentine gave our furry friend the nod of approval when hearing the news. Does that mean Robin Quivers has huge nip nips? One can only dream….about this nasty bitch from Boston, who beats her man for fa’ting in the bed, the nod, while singing her smash hit with Ellismate, “Ha’d to Fa’t” – which was lame, but no where near as creepy as WesleyPipes-tallica. Dick dog just wasn’t made for that riff, but the Ellis show is made for Jew jokes, needle talk, areolas and of course, shitting out nuggets while fucking some broad….or selling a BMW too, that’s kinda gnarly. Jew Joke: This kid asks his dad for fifty bucks, so the Jewish dad says “Forty bucks, what do you need Thirty bucks for?” If that didn’t sell you on listening tomorrow On Demand, then how about inverted nipples, hairy nipples, and of course skittles popping out of nipples. No, then its gotta be the baseball/Ellis sex life that has you intrigued. For me, I personally am a huge fan of the Jew jokes, including my favorite joke about your mom…..she’s a Jew…..a ‘Load Jew’, OH!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 1/9/2013

Posted on January 9, 2013 by wiz1010

Get It Up Ya!

Edward “Ned” Kelly (June 1854 or 1855 – 11 November 1880) was an Irish Australian bushranger. He is considered by some to be merely a cold-blooded killer, while others consider him to be a folk hero and symbol of Irish Australian resistance against the Anglo-Australian ruling class, and it’s Wednesday! Dude died trying to do it his own way, and when that time finally came, said “Ah, well, I suppose it has come to this” – No not Jesus, Ned Kelly. All this from a picture Ellis has and his quest to gain Instagram followers, oh and @wolfmate on Instagram! You do know he is the Vegemite of radio, and Chad Reed is a fucking sick cunt ledge, check him out. Ellismate picked up Rawdog a chocolate covered Oreo cause he loves the little guy, and Tully is infatuated, I mean fucking twisted stuck on the Fist of Adonis. He’d love to pop one on the hood of his car and road trip it, or at least give it to Ellis to put on the coffee table when any boys come over to date his little girl. That should deter those little fucking punks, unlike the measly parking ticket fines that apparently everyone on the show has gotten recently. Tully, Rawdog and Ellis all have had their share of parking violations in the past week or so. What if their were tiers to your fines, stay with Tully, so based on your income is how much your fine would be. The poor would have small fines, the rich would pay millions, and strippers would just have to fuck whomever they owe…..hey its that or a new AIDS for meter maids (Shit that rhymes)! Don’t think it’ll work, here’s a real life example for about $103,000. So good old Rawdiggitydog does embrace his cock suckerness, but is so obscure he can’t admit it – Just see any New Music Tuesday, and any of Arnold’s new movies such as Last Stand or the new Conan.

OLD SCHOOL!!!

Remember that scene from Pulp Fiction with the Bad Mutha Fucker wallet, yeah well this dude is the real owner of said wallet, and trying to be the next President of the Czech Republic, despite not having any political or video gaming background….which would serve him little help in Rawdog’s quiz on, yup you guessed it, video games. Are you curious the game Mario first appeared in, or what IPS stands for, and who is the bad guy in Resident Evil? Or when you fag another player it means you killed them! And you must know the best time to use your shell in Mario Kart. Can you recite the Play Station controller layout by heart? From Zelda to Angry Birds and back to Zelda, you feel a hell of a lot cooler listening to this quiz of Josh’s. While Tully outscored Ellis like 5 to 2, no one was a winner here, not the fans not Rawdog, NO ONE! And if you can’t find a way to listen to a replay (Which are on Friday mornings and on Sundays too on Faction!), then your not trying hard enough you pussy.

Then shit got serious. Look kids, your uncle Ellis has had a hard couple of days lately and just needed to get some shit of his chest. So Tully played shrink while Ellis got it out, fucking no replays since canning Stars 2 (Which had to be done no question!), childhood issues still bothering him as it would anyone, just life ya know. Well of course this concerned Thomas Haden Church who called in on the spot to cheer up and advise his good buddy. It shows man, Thomas is gay for Ellis, I mean gayer than you and i are for him, and thats gay! Of course no call from Thomas goes without some jewel, i give you Tully the “iconic pillar of entertainment”. It was meant for them all, but too bad THC its Tully’s now. Not too bad is the possibility that Thomas has something lined up for the crew in an upcoming ~~horror~~ whore movie. Tons of other callers showing their support, but not the Fake Ellis. That dude is so mysterious, and we got more confirmation this dude is real, well you know what i mean. Callers have seem him in person, tattoo’d n all with beanies n chains on, eating vegemite n all that shit yo! Fake Ellis has been spotted at Ceaser’s, The Riviera, The Wynn, etc. etc. The only way you can tell the two apart is one is a dick, and the other is the sweetest dude ever. Well that and the ink is real on one, and apparently done by magic marker for the other – really dude? Fake Ellis, if your reading this, please PLEASE call the show and rejoice us with your stories and shit, and you’ll be put in the prize chamber.

Will’s Shiny Calf?

Is Steven Spielberg’s mom still alive? Actually yes she is, BOOM! So you know how Tully likes to help give teen advice, well he took it a step further and answered some Q’s from Mrs. Manners. More variety in these questions kids, and Ellis really had to ‘be the bitch’ on this one. What advice would you give a 60year old dude who offered, his niece and her girlfriend, his sperm for a future baby…and was upset when they had a child on their own using a different donor who was NOT in the family tree? Doesn’t matter, just reassure Rawdog you’ll be glad to donate your sperm to him and his future wife, ya know! I must of tuned out for a second cause the show went to a bad place with Will blowing everyone at the Faction Holiday party. Raunchy sex, ball grabbing, Freddie Mercury, and hand twisting BJ’s were the topic of discussion until Rawdog admitted he hates cunnilingus. Despite him being the Master of Oral, and his numerous encounters with Joanna Angel, its just not his thing. Staying out of jail just ain’t Katt Williams thing these days either, as he was arrested again…..in Hollywood News, fuck yeah! What else, ok, Kat Von D bought future ex Deadmau5 a sweet new ride besides herself. Charlie Sheen parties with everyone and anyone, including the mayor of LA. Nothing much in the way of Final Calls, except that Ellis has never had a gerbil in his ass, which is nice to know. However, its not nice to know that I can’t unlive that one night your mom decided gerbils just weren’t doing it for her anymore…..poor Spot hasn’t been the same ever since, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 8/23/2012

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Az_RedDragon

Pound for pound it’s almost over, not summer, we’re still fucked on that, the week. It’s almost Friday. Just one more fucked up day dealing with grown ass children who cry and fuss when they don’t get their way. Well fuck those fuckin fucks, you have a re-cap to read and those snot nosed man babies can wait. In case you haven’t heard, pound for pound England is crap. All of it, I’m not sure why but I heard it on the radio so it must be true. If your not on Twitter, Facebook, the internet, or own a TV, then you don’t know that UFC 151 is cancelled because Henderson injured his knee. Pound for pound the A6K is taking another dive and this is probably the last run for the ‘ol girl. Ellis is thinking about getting a car, something economical and affordable, like the Dodge Challenger. Ellis is back in the blow job game, receiving not giving, and for some reason Dingo is rather obsessed with the details of this encounter. Were you standing? Pants all the way off? Did you smack her forehead with it? Pound for pound it was a bit creepy.

America throws out around 40% of its food, this makes that little kid in the commercials cry. Too bad he’s stuck in some shitty third world and not here, he would love our dumpsters! Wondering which candidate your most likely to vote for, go to ISideWith.com and fill out the form and then go on not giving a shit like the rest of us. Then there was moto news, kinda, talk about off shore drilling, fossil fuel consumption, then Chad Reed. It’s a perfect conversation circle. In Ohio some dude is pulling the greatest prank ever, a prank that I myself want to do in the worst way. He has a Bigfoot costume and is fucking with people in the woods. Here is the video.

The guys did a little taste test thanks to Tully. You guessed it, weird Japanese food. This is what was on the menu: dehydrated squid, seasoned seaweed, pickled plum, canned quail egg, fermented soy beans, cheese milk candy, and coffee jelly. Sounds yummy. Horse Force, a force of super horses! Never heard of it? That’s because it was just made up and is going to blow up your children’s morning cartoon adventures! Who doesn’t love horses, and camels and Robert Redford Robot?

They crunch!

Do you have AIDS like symptoms but don’t have AIDS? If you do then your fucked and you should probably stop reading this and go to a doctor. Some people have it and nobody knows why, they just do. Sometime in the near future Josh and Ellis will be swapping three meals and seeing what it is like to eat each others diet for a day. I am actually looking forward to this, mostly because I want to hear what each of them picked for the other more than I want to know their reaction to eating the actual food. Did you know that yer mum wasn’t always a disgusting trash hound? She used to be a disgusting trash hound with a dick, before the operation, OH!