Show Re-cap For Wednesday 6/13/2012

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You may not realize this, but you are reading my 20th show re-cap on noyouare.lixlink.com! I will give you a minute to celebrate, pop some champagne, buy a hooker, what ever you do to celebrate momentous events. This afternoon we relearned that the Wonder Child was allergic to gluten. I’m not sure what gluten is but I think that it is an allergy that pussies use to justify their pussiness. Getting back to the recap, Josh only ate Wonder Bread as a kid, which according to some listeners is full of gluten. Imagine that he doesn’t even know what he’s allergic to. But that is why we love him and his confusing, childish ways. Meth heads fucked every thing up for the rest of us with normal allergies because now you have to go to the pharmacist to get the good shit, thanks fuckers! Either way, it turns out that its The Man that makes us sick and The Man also makes the pills that make us better, so anyway you cut it, your getting fucked by The Man. That is, of course, your Jeremiah Johnson, then your one bad ass mother fucker.

Rob Dyrdek (@robdyrdek) came in today, and it was a great interview. He talked about the incident between him and Daniel Tosh of Tosh.O and said that if Ellis called him earlier, Dyrdek would have agreed to a fight at Ellis Mania 8. But alas, he did not and now that Rob’s head is clear he feels that fighting would not be the proper move. Rob talked about his charity and also openly apologized to Tony Hawk for the misunderstanding and communications between the two charities and then he started talking about a skate tournament and something about a front side ollie kick flip heel grab 180 into a smith grind ass gape foot fetish flippie grind ball gag. Those who skate know what I’m talking about.

There wasn’t a Worlds Greatest Wednesday today, well kinda. Apparently tomorrow there will be some art critic expert chick who looks at flower vaginas and there were many suggestions on a subject for this art expo from hell. During the suggestions, our dear friend bitPimps was put on probation for his suggestion for “Clydesdale’s ripping women’s faces off,” and rightly so, that shit is crazy and we have discussed this in depth previously. But on second thought, I think it would make an interesting sculpture. The “winner” of this non WGW was “Sad boobs in the rain.” Well done folks, cant wait to see hear the drawings. Oh and the Cougar Life saga continues, Ellis replied to some old dusty vag cougars and is still skeptical if this isn’t a scam. Again, can’t wait until tomorrows show because you know those bitches  aren’t waiting long, they got to get moving before they’re six feet under.

They’re not sad, but neither am I now.

Breaking Ellis Mania 8 news! Unfortunately Andy Bell (@andybell) will not be making it to Ellis Mania because about 8 months ago he dropped an internal load into his wife’s cookie and as your mum knows, you take enough unprotected mystery shots in the box and mistakes will happen, OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 6/12/2012

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Hulk banging a cement truck

Yeaaaaaa motherfuckers. Tuesday, what can we say about Tuesday? Not a lot I suppose. I prefer not to talk about it. Dingo and Jude were on the show, and a dingo did in fact steal that one bitches baby, I think. It doesn’t matter if you blow Hulk or get fucked by Hulk, you’re gonna die because he’s going to get all up in (and completely go through) dem guts, aight. Rawdog may be forced to wear a bikini in his fight at Ellismania. That Sam Ruben dude from KTLA called in to the show and he still wants to send Ellis on press junkets to interview movie stars and shit. He had a bunch of helpful tips for interviewing these stars and such. The dopest part of all that talk? Ellis may get to interview Salma Hayek, she’s hot as hell, and I’d straight up ruin my life just to get all up on Salma.

Or maybe not so much

Surprise, surprise, CougarLife is a scam, because you have to keep buying credits to talk to fake cougar bitches. Who’da thunk it? Age 14 Tully, being the stud he is, broke up with his girlfriend and recorded it so he and his friend could listen and laugh about it. OH BURN, BITCH! Ellis went to the spa, some chick in the street asked him if that was parking for the spa. He goes into the spa, nobody is there and then suddenly a worker was giving a tour to this chick he saw in the parking lot. She comes into the room he’s in, sits down and starts talking to him, saying that Ellis reminds her of her brother. He was trying to teach her how to swim and shit, she left to go get a facial and said she’s going to start coming there at the same time he does. Sounds like she’s trying get with Ellis, but she probably could have skipped the whole “you remind me of my brother” line. Cool story bro.

Everything is going to be fine.

I had to pick my kid up after work because my wife got to go to the fucking horse track with her work like some kind of old ass, degenerate, gambling addict. That shit ain’t fair, I wanna go too! Anyway, so the last thing I heard was about a Mormon, who was married to a woman, but was gay and sexually attracted to men, but thought it would be a sin if he actually had sex with a man. What a conundrum that guys life must be. Next thing I knew, Tully was describing (rather sensually) an imaginary omelet he was cooking, to a caller. Doesn’t sound like I missed much, because I did hear another caller say he was impressed with Rawdog for kissing chicks and impressed with Ellis for not ending the show early today because of all the shitty callers. Speaking of shitty, I’ve got a craptastic joke about your Asian mother. Do you know why she has such squinty eyes? Because atomic bombs are pretty bright. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 6/11/2012

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It’s Monday

How-do my fine young cannibal folk? It’s Monday, nobody likey Monday unless it’s their first day of vacation, but even then – Monday’s just an asshole so it can still suck a herpes infested dick. And just so you know, I could use a picture of a herpes infected dick, but I won’t do that to you, not today at least – today you get Bugs Bunny in prison. We all know this next fact, but the Swinghouse studio is falling apart. It seems like every week there’s a new fiasco in that shitheep, and today was something to do with the voice altermication machine, according to Slick Shins Willy (that’s right, I’m using a new name for Shiney Shins Pendarvis for today) it was a bypass button that should have been checked prior to the show, but wasn’t. See? Slick Shins Willy does come to the rescue for fans as well as the talent. Ellis took a half black shit today so he’s thinking he might have internal bleeding, my initial diagnosis is maybe he’s shitting out evil, because evil is typically black in the movies. Ellis wants to shave off his beard now because the person he grew it for (I assume Katie) hates him (according to him) so he wants it off his face.

Get rid of your cock breath!

Today is make-out party day with hot chicks, they’re quickly trying to find a third chick to participate because one of the original girls set to appear missed her flight because she got roofied. Red Dragons!? One of the chicks coming in is Alexis Ford (@alexisford), a Penthouse Pet of The Month, and the same chick from New York whose button is her talking about “the loads coming down”, meaning the load in her butt. A caller chimed in to say that he’s seen her suck dick and so maybe they should think twice about making out with her, but as Tully said, your mom has sucked a dick and you still kiss her. Plus, they make after dick mints, so it’s all good. The other chick, which was kind of a surprise to the listeners until she came in for her turn in the contest, was Sparky (@Sparky_Fett)! Yes, the one and only chick that Rawdog banged twice with one condom! RawDerp, knowing he’s supposed to make-out with hot chicks today, decided it would be a good idea to not take a fucking shower today – but he did go to the dentist this morning and shaved his facial hair (as did Ellis) so I guess that’s about the best one could hope for.

Alexis’s boobs just about fell out.

For the contest, Rawdog will be known as “Fisty LaRue” and Ellis will be known as “Acockolypse Now” and during this segment, the chicks are blindfolded and have to guess who they are making out with. Alexis kissed Fisty LaRue first and immediately afterwards said “I hope contestant #2 is better”, ouch. Her initial reaction was “the first guy had bigger lips, he didn’t use any tongue at first – like he was nervous or something, and he needs some more work”. Acockolypse Now was next, afterwards she said “he had soft lips, a nice wet mouth, was more passionate, and he used more tongue. He was good, but felt he didn’t give it his all.” After these criticisms from Alexis, the guys went in for another round to see if their make-out techniques had improved. Afterwards, she said kissing Fisty LaRue reminded her of making out in highschool, while she said Acockolypse Now gave her exactly what she wanted. So overall, it sounds like Ellis won that first round.

Sparky could turn Kermit into gaping.

Next to come in blindfolded was Sparky. After kissing Fisty LaRue, she immediately knew who she was kissing, as she’s kissed him before. Her constructive criticism was that he should use a little more tongue, but also said that he had gotten better since their last encounter. Oh, and she grabbed his balls while she was making out with him!  Obviously Ellis was next, she said she liked that he started off slow, and he was very sensual, but she said it seemed like it also lacked passion – I guess like he didn’t go for it more. After criticisms, they went for a second round. For Fisty LaRue, she said it was better, but she still wanted more dedication. So she kissed him for a third time, like the way she wants to be kissed. On Acockolypse Now’s second attempt, not to be outdone by Fisty, she said it was perfect and she was a little speechless afterwards. I think there might have been some slightly illegal touching in there, but you show me in the rule book where it says not pussy patting.

Rawdog getting a kissy in public?

RawDog went out on another date this weekend and started making out with the chick while they were at the bar. He doesn’t really remember much because by that point he had a few drinks, but he thinks she made the first move, however he did go for a titty grab while at the bar and she brushed his hand away. No word yet on if after the girl left, he stopped by a fast food bathroom to whack off. The Pacquiao vs Bradley fight was this weekend, supposedly everyone who knows what they are talking about said Pacquiao won, but the judges disagreed and gave the win to Bradley, oh and boxing is corrupt like politicians are… uh, corrupt. Fuck, that was witty.

Breaking news, Grant “Bubble Tits” Cobb has retired from his illustrious boxing career at Ellismania, therefore the interim musical chair champion (@Butterballs_EM6) get’s his belt back. Spots were also getting chosen today for the musical chair fight, there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of people who want in. Penguins full on practice necrophilia, which is odd because you’d think a dead penguin’s holes would be frozen shut, but hey, what do I know. It’s not like I work for National Geographic or watched Happy Feet 3. Actually, I do know this… You’re mom got dressed up like Cinderella once and do you know what happened when she got to the ball? She gagged. OH!

Your mom has the classiest pictures hanging in her stall in the barn.