It’s Friday so I’m gonna have to ask you to stop giving fucks away like your mom at the farmer’s market. You know who really doesn’t give a fuck? Diseases and pharmacies. In fact, they systematically double teamed Ellis this morning making him about an hour late to the show. So we listened to Tully and Rawdog talk a bit about this massive tournament of guitar riffs that I guess they have been talking about for a couple months now. And today we will finally get to the bottom of what is the World’s Greatest Guitar Riff! And Slash is going to be here today! Fuck yeah! Woo, let’s do this! Tully mused a little on if some classic rock is famous just for being famous. I can see his point too with some bands, like Deep Purple. Yeah, nobody had heard shit like that before, but say that Smoke On The Water came out today, it’d just get played on Octane for a few weeks and be sort of meh. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, bitch. 

What the fuck do people in a pharmacy do anyway? They held up the wing for a while and he finally showed up. Ellis has been sick as I mentioned and has been nursing his AIDS by watching old TV shows and it turned the conversation to iconic role models. Are there any left? All the kids have to look up to these days are the Kardashian whore beasts, Jersey Shore mutants and Lindsay Lohan mutant whore beasts. Ellis almost got into a fight in traffic today, and the guy threatened to pull a gun on him, so Ellis wisely backed off. Something I learned a long time ago is that people need to chill the fuck out when they are in traffic. Rage-passing people and cutting them off out of spite only leads to shitty situations and you don’t really get much out of anything. The guys hashed this out through the course of the show and unless you and the other dude are gonna park and go somewhere else and fight, it’s not worth it. But if you do get into a fight, just get super loud and say some shit like “OH YEAH? WELL HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST? HE’S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING DEAL, YOU WANNA READ THIS PAMPHLET HERE AND SAVE YOUR MORTAL SOUL, BITCH?”

Rawdog has his 10 year high school reunion coming up, and that is fucking exciting for a number of reasons. One, he has a chance to tag some of those bitches he’s been spanking it to on Facebook. Two, he has no chance at banging one of those chicks so Ellis is gonna get a porn star to go with him and make him look all badass. I think they should revisit the idea they had for getting Josh to ask out Burger Chick. Have Benji Madden and Slash walk in before him, Slash will lay down some salty licks and Benji will belt out some panty droppin’ vocals and in walks Rawdog through a wall of doves. Bam! But yeah, the porn star thing is probably what’s going to happen so that is gonna be sweet, maybe he’ll get himself a handjob. Rawdog wouldn’t come right out and say it, but what he really wants is to take Joanna as his date. Then when Tully and Ellis called him out on wanting to bang Joanna he said the ultimate friend zone motto: “It would be weird, we are too good of friends.” Haha, yeah keep telling yourself that, Dog.

Ellis started talking about how he was listening to Shannon Gunz earlier this week and she sounded awesome as ever. The music she played on Faction, though, sucked rancid balls. A caller said that he heard a band called C2C the other day and they were pretty rad. Josh read a description of the band and cracked a joke and ol’ Pendarvis came charging into the studio to defend his little tree fort. Will said Rawdog was being snarky about c2c and called Rawdog a suck-up and he is always just agreeing with Tully and Ellis to avoid confrontation, once again proving Will Pendarvis doesn’t listen to the show. So they pulled up a song from C2C and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and Tully thought it sounded like Daft Punk re-made Moby and Fatboy Slim’s love child’s album. They figured out that the song Ellis heard the Gunz playing was El Hefe’s(NOFX) band, Implants. I thought they were OK but I liked it better when Rise Against did it with less vagina. OH!

Hollywood News: Willie Nelson is 80 motherfucking years old today, and he is still smoking weed and touring his ass off. Happy birthday you weird old hippie hillibilly thing. Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t wear underwear under her dress, and apparently there was a mad dash to get her razors because she had to shave her crazy-hairy bush. Brad and Angelina’s neighbors are pussy fart shitheads and complained about them riding their dirtbikes on their private beach. Fuck those people.

Slash finally arrived on the show! That can mean only one thing! It is time, to finally finish this Greatest Riff Tournament once and for all! What better way to end this 2 month marathon of debates and quarrels and voting than with one of the greatest guitar legends ever and the master behind one of the top 8 picks? Fuck yeah let’s do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHH!!!

YEAH!!!

 

So after a little catching up between Ellis and Slash, they finally get to showing Slash the list, and Slash isn’t happy with the list. He starts rambling off a whole bunch of other riffs, and the guys explained they have narrowed it down to only a few, and these 8 are the ones they got. Ok, Slash is cool with that, and off we go. Until Sweet Child O’ Mine comes on, and Slash said it was unfair for him to vote on any of them against his own since he didn’t want there to be any bias. Well even after they slammed through a few of them, they decided that the Greatest Riff could not be decided today.

So, today is not the day to decide what the greatest riff is, but we can still talk to Slash about all the shit he is doing because he never stops. We heard about his new movie coming out with his own production company. We heard some new music off of the new album, and we got to hear about calzones. Then, out of fucking nowhere the Sirius app goes and takes a massive shit on itself. The kind of shit where you don’t even see it coming until it’s on it’s way out of your asshole. You try to run to the toilet but you know it’s too late. Shout out to Sirius and all of their fine, not-clunky-heaps-of-shit products they produce. Apparently they heard all of the racial and anti-Semitic things I was yelling into my phone because my feed came back and all was well. But by then I sort of lost what they were talking about, and I really got into the Friday spirit and stopped giving a fuck. Much like I’m about to do right now, in fact!

So here’s to hoping you all enjoy your weekend, try not to get anyone pregnant, get set on fire, jam any square-shaped objects into circle-shaped orifices or get date raped by a man in a Gwar t-shirt and volleyball shorts.

Welcome to Wednesday bitches, NYA coming at you live. We are inside your mind, and we are fucking it. Today’s show was brought to you by human anatomy, a lot of time spent on testicles, vaginas, extra nipples and buttholes. Mark Wahlberg apparently has a third nipple, which could be a mole, but might be a nipple. It’s cool though because he says he would never get rid of it because it’s his favorite and he loves that nip.

I named them Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Ellis started ranting about how stupid American Idol is and how everyone on there isn’t a real musician and just wants an easy road to fame. I tend to agree there, considering I can only name two people who have ever won that contest. You really gotta get heavy into drugs and make some grungy shit if you wanna make it big in my opinion. Speaking of shit music, Ellis played some bit that Jimmy Kimmel did the other day where they went around interviewing people at Coachella. The bit being that they asked people about made up bands and everyone acted like they knew who they were, and it’s funny because hipsters love to know about bands that you don’t to seem cool. Tully sort of sniffed the rat out though, and speculated that the video sort of looked like they asked people about real bands, filmed their answers and then dubbed over her original questions to make the video funny. Kind of like the time somebody dubbed a bunch of racist shit in Stephen Hawking’s voice and made him sound like a on old slave master. Tully started slamming Portugal for basically being the little bastard of Europe that it really is.  Basically, any country that colonizes on another continent, and then the country you colonized becomes better than your original country, you suck ass. Looking at you, United Kingdom. Tully retracted his entire argument when Rawdog found that Nuno Bettencourt ( Awesome guitar player from Extreme that Tully gets wet for) is in fact, Portugese.

COCK NEWS: A chinese woman squeezed a man’s balls so hard that he went into shock and died. If you thought you had heard this story before, it’s because you have, and the show reported it a year ago when it happened. Rawdog just misread the story and saw that the woman’s trial is starting today. Someone who drives the Mars Rover for NASA got bored and decided to draw a big cock and balls on Mars, so shout out to that American Hero. The callers really took cock news and ran with it today, calling in with stories about getting their balls bitten by everything from dogs to babies. Also how you can measure your balls, or tits or cock by just standing on a scale, and then standing on it again, but this time have someone hold your balls up and calculate the difference. Rawdog, with his new found fondness of sharing way too much, revealed his balls are about the size of Silly Putty eggs. A caller said he once saw his grandpa’s balls. Balls, balls, balls ladies and gentleman. Nothing but balls.

I like to paint my balls to look like beach balls and have them bounced around at concerts.

There was a bit of conversation about the philosophy in Fight Club. No, not the one where you beat the shit out of Jared Leto, although I endorse that fully. The part where you give up your possessions and how that can be freeing. Tully says he loves his shit and wouldn’t give it up. Rawdog said he likes the idea of giving up your shit. Ellis says he wants to bang a cancer patient who just wants to loan out her vagina a few more times before she kicks it. Back to anatomy: Some dude got a spear in his face and just walked that shit off. A guy had his ear bitten off and then whisked away to Chicago. The guys inspected the video of Will’s vagina getting torn up on Ellismania.com . Also highlighted in the video is how good Rawdog is at missing layups. Anyway, to kind of round out some time

HOLLYWOOD NEWS:

People magazine decided to insult everyone in America and name Gwyneth Paltrow as America’s #1 most beautiful woman. Which, to me, says everyone go see Iron Man 3 this summer, thank the movie studio for throwing enough money at People mag to put Coldplay’s top groupie on the top of the list. Lauryn Hill decided that white people can listen to her music again, because she has to pay a bunch of fines for tax evasion or some shit. Kim Kardashian is in the part of her pregnancy scheme where she pretends she is super unhappy about how fat she is getting and tells people to tell the media she is concerned her weight won’t come off after. Once she squeezes out what might be Kanye’s baby she’ll make a bunch of money off of Weight Watchers like Jessica Simpson did. And then she will drop too much weight too fast and go into cardiac arrest and die and we can look forward to her $30 million funeral. One of the guys from Ace of Base is a Nazi now. Hugh Jackman didn’t know he was gonna have a close-up in Les Miserable, so he got Tony Robbins to pump him up with that huge face confidence.

Josh brought in a game where he sped up some song clips, and it didn’t really go over well. Ellis hated it, but said the next time they do it the clips need to be longer. So they made Dom come in to present his latest audio of him walking around Hollywood asking questions. Then they kicked his ass out of the studio and made him call to present this game as “The Drifter” instead, much better. Basically, Dom interviewed chicks and asked them a series of questions and then the guys had to guess how many people they had slept with. Overall the game consisted of Dom asking 18 year old girls how many people they have slept with in his creepy Drifter voice. The whole thing could have been 10x better if he had of been arrested and beaten by unruly pedestrians instead. Ellis didn’t believe Dom used the Drifter voice to all these girls and accused him of pulling a Kimmel and dubbing over it with the voice afterwards. Probably isn’t true because I heard a couple of the girls laughing and one even said he was creepy. That may not be real evidence, because Dom looks like every extra in Dances With Wolves and who knows if he was strapped with his paintball gun.

RIP Lil’ Bane. Fun while it lasted.

Final calls happened. It really was a thing. Nothing notable though. So here I am, rounding out this re-cap with a whole lot of nothing. This one is on you, shitheads. I gotta listen to the show and take notes, and I’m certainly not going to re-cap every dick weed who calls in to make some stupid joke. Like that guy who had the story about how he saw Rawdog at the porn shop and got Rawdog to blow them through a glory hole. Way to go, that guy. It was probably hilarious when you thought of it, I’m sure. I bash on the morons who call the show a lot, but I can honestly say that without morons, who would we make fun of? You are like how when shit decomposes into the soil and becomes fuel for things more useful like plants and trees. So I guess keep calling the show then, it’s you pieces of composted shit all condensed together that really keeps this world afloat.

Good afternoon, ya bunch of fuckin’ wankers! Come ‘ere and give daddy some sugar, right on the bell end!!! But seriously folks, we need to start selling crack. Crack may have been whack when Whitney Houston was doing it, but it’s time has come again. At least according to Ellis, who will be moving into his sweet new pad on Sunset Blvd. real soon, where he also plans to sell crack. And of course Tully has an awesome story about being robbed by a crackhead who then took their money to buy crack and then made him and his friends cover him from prying eyes while he proceeded to smoke the aforementioned crack. YAY CRACK!!! But more importantly, make sure your mom stops to get me some Brillo and baking soda on the way home. The guys are working on more new Death!Death!Die! songs, and of course after hearing Cunt Kicker on Friday, my dick is definitely hard. Of course, we can’t have a talk about crack without Rude Jude stopping by. The guys talked music and rapping and the upcoming hit single Jack The Cunt that the guys are currently working on. Jude surprisingly admitted that from time to time he will do some karaoke and one of his normal numbers is a Janis Joplin track, and that he can sing the fuck out of some country. Of course, we absolutely needed to hear this, and Jude belted out a vocal track that rivaled the original level of drugged out bluesy fucktardery that Janis gave us 40-plus years ago. The guys had to rehash the basketball game they had last week to Jude and how Will Pendarvis blew his knee-pussy out without leaving the ground. Of course, Jude offered to buy any of Will’s unused painkillers. Ellis called Everlast to double check if he would still be a part of the new Death!Death!Die! album and set up an afternoon to go to the gun range together. Everlast has a new baby, so he understands Jason’s hectic schedule and has vowed to lay some sweet vocals to round out the magnificent project that the new album will be. At this point Jude was graciously released from the album, but still may be a part of it on some shitty karaoke level or another. Maybe as a hype man and groupie control specialist. .We got to hear some great stories about Andy Milonakis being a slobbering pothead from way back  in the day even though he has that Webster disease that makes him look like a high school freshman even though he’s creeping up on 40. And Ellis leaked that he’s gonna be coming on the show this afternoon!!! So that’ll be awesome. Jude was still surprised that the crew played basketball and had to quiz Rawdog on what he knew about it, and of course being Rawdog, he didn’t know shit even though he was an avid basketball fan before. But of course, Rawdog does have his own knowledge base on all kinds of things, like fancy soda. Of course, this was a whole new debate about whether or not celery soda tastes exactly like 7Up or if Rawdog’s hatred of vegetables is why he doesn’t like the taste of celery soda. The guys started giving Josh shit cause he doesn’t broaden his horizons and it got to the topic of how often and to what the dog jerks off to. Tully had to jump in and give a nice description of all the porn he’s been watching since his wife has been out of town and how ropes of jism are streaming from the rafters in his house. Rawdog still didn’t give up the particulars of what he spanks with, but Jude sure did and it all sounded like a good reason for me to make a couple stops on the way home from work today. Jason chimed in that porn is barely even worth breaking out the lotion anymore, because it’s on his TV pretty much all the time and him and Katie have pretty much just become film critics of the adult genre, unless UFC or supercross is on. This all turned into the guys giving Rawdog shit because he tries to keep stuff to himself a little too often and he gets all stubborn and defensive. It can fill a few good minutes of radio, but it does get old to listen to. He gave up a little bit of what his normal rub and tug material is, and it kinda sounds like he’s using a copy of “People” magazine and his old college yearbook. Josh finally admitted that he’s been kinda stalking all the many faces of Facebook that he may or may not have known, and said that he didn’t want to cop to it cause even he feels a little creepy about it. But really, it’s not that creepy. I mean, there’s porn with people eating shit. Trust me, Rawdog, you’re not nearly as weird as you think. The guys had to admit a bunch of other odd facts just to make him feel more comfortable, like how Jude can’t fire off a load from a blow job unless it’s in a dangerous situation, but it’s because he doesn’t feel right about it if the girl doesn’t cum as much or more than he does. And how Jason might finish quicker than normal with a random lady he doesn’t know that well, but if she’s really freaky he can get back up for a second round just as fast. But they didn’t want Rawdog to feel bad about any of it, cause he has years and years of built up sexual rage that he’s gonna unleash all over someone’s uterus in the most disrespectful and torturous way possible, and they’re all pulling for him. Knowing how much of an awkward late blooming mother fucker I have been, I fully endorse Rawdog getting shitfaced on all the free Mangria that Adam Carolla sent in and using the empty bottle on a lady of questionable moral character while she says creepy anti-semetic shit and acts out all her daddy issues in a rilakuma costume on Rawdog’s living room floor. Just don’t forget to lay a tarp down, Tussin Wolf. You could void your security deposit really quickly engaging in these kinds of activities.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME BITCHES!!! And it’s a fucking Rip Snorter today! Justin Bieber used to have a monkey, but not in the creepy erotic way that Michael Jackson did, but customs in Germany seized it cause he didn’t have the right papers to take it on a plane. Will.I.Am can go fuck himself twice with a broken stick, but he’s also a fucking ripoff artist and has been called out and admitted to it. Ben Affleck BREAKING FUCKING NEWS JASON ELLIS OFFICIALLY LIVES IN HOLLYWOOD AGAIN but back to Ben Affleck, he has volunteered to live for five days on $1.50 a day in an effort to raise awareness about world hunger, so good for him. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson had to get an emergency hernia surgery after injuries he got during WrestleMania, and Michael Bay apologized for that steaming bucket of shit movie Armageddon, but not for Transformers or any of the other cumshots he left on America’s cinematic face. Leonardo DiCaprio did some shit that I didn’t hear cause I was typing, but he still gets honorable mention. Gwyneth Paltrow is catching some flack because some clothing line she came up with has bikinis for kids and everybody hates her according to Star magazine. Ed Norton is a champ, he got married and had a baby and none of you fuckers heard about it till now. The producer Dom called in on the VIP line with the rapeyest voice I’ve ever heard, it’s like he was decapitating a kid and fucking the throat hole right there on the phone, but more importantly he came up with a game about celebrity superstitions and crazy hobbies. We learned some pretty interesting and bizarre shit about a bunch of our favorite movie stars, like how Jessica Alba made everyone at her baby shower wear some leather bracelet with a prayer on it and making them keep it on until the kid was born, or how Travis Pastrana is the number one pop star in the world and says shit about not fucking people you don’t love, and how Meagan Fox always listens to Brittany Spears when she’s on an airplane cause that’s what keeps it from crashing, or how Axl Rose will never play a concert in any city that starts with the letter M, and how Steve Jobs tried an all apple diet to prevent evil spirits or some shit, and that Elvis Presley flew 1800 miles for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich like a mother fuckin’ BOSS, NIGGA!!! (please excuse the N-bomb, but in a situation like that I really could not help myself) And that Leonardo DiCaprio got outbid on a dinosaur skull by about $276,000 by Nicholas Cage. And Gwyneth Paltrow is even more of a bitch cause she doesn’t let her kids watch TV in english. And Sisqo is convinced that wearing a hat onstage will garauntee your success in the music industry. And former president Ronald Reagan didn’t eat a tomato for 70 years, but how would he even remember if he had, right? Also, Liam Neeson is a big fan of fly fishing. Snooki produces shitty music on her computer. Angelina Jolie collects first edition books and daggers and probably uses one or the other during sex. And Justin Bieber is a big fan of solving rubix cubes fast as fuck. Finally, we learned that Johnny Depp plays with barbie dolls and probably doesn’t have an unmarked white van parked outside your kids school right now. Shout out to Dom’s creepy drifter voice, it really did make the bit. Especially when he started saying things like “Your so close” and then “God no, you fucking people.” The back and forth was epic, if you know anybody who was recording it, have them send you a copy. It’s worth a second listen.

So, we all know that Nordic ladies are pretty easy to stare at, but in Sweden, they’re kind of assholes, cause a modelling agency was sending talent scouts to hang out around an eating disorder clinic to pick up new talent. So yeah, fuck those guys. This got the guys talking about how it’s nice to have a lady who is a good healthy weight, and that women who are too beautiful basically get conditioned by society to be raging cunts. But what’s really important is, Dingo dropped by with Andy Milonakis to talk shop and be a couple awesome mother fuckers for our amusement. Andy is a comedian, he used to have a show on MTV, did some movies, all around interesting and intelligent guy to listen to. And he’s got that Webster disease where he looks like a high school freshman! I’m not trying to be an asshole about it, it’s just funny to say it to me for some reason. Andy is pretty big into sketch comedy, improv and from time to time does a bit of music too. He also gets wasted and bangs shitloads of bitches from time to time, which is the kind of people who are usually pretty sweet to hang out with. Andy gave the dog a little pep talk about getting laid cause god dammit it’s healthy and it’s great for your self esteem. Andy even volunteered to go out on the town with Ellis and Tumble and even mentioned that there’s a lot of porn stars living in his building, so there’s definitely some angles to work to get Rawdog to dive into the beef pool and never look back. This spawned the idea that Rawdog should do one of those public sketch comedy shows where he walks around in a leather jacket eyeballing all the hoes and spitting mad game and at the end of every episode he get’s two inches from the prize, but something happens and destroys everything he worked for. Could be a winner, at least on the internet. So the guys got to bullshit for a while, talk about Andy’s future projects, the TV show he’s trying to work on with Dirt Nasty and some other guy, and all the things that may or may not be gay, apparently there’s a whole rule book on it. It would have been a perfect time to bring back Dude is it gay, but they didn’t bring it up, even though it would have really been a cherry on top to the whole segment. The guys talked about all the fine bitches they would slam, and whether or not you have a good reason to be scared of tossing a girls salad, general consensus is that if you can’t get your mind past the risk of a girl farting on your tongue, you should probably steer clear. We got to hear a track off of Andy’s newest album and it was a little strange but actually not that bad if you’re into the white boy nerd rap kind of thing. They chatted a bit more, Andy is a cool mother fucker, he’s making good things out of the opportunities he’s got and not trying to fuck anybody else in the process. All in all, a good guest on the show. And I’m sure there was plenty more goodness, but thanks to the awesome worthless shitty technology that is the SiriusXM online player, it skipped me past all of it and wouldn’t let me rewind to hear it again, glad to know my membership is funding really productive projects for those guys. I checked on twitter a bit though, looks like a lot of people were enjoying themselves, so I’ll say that it was a good show.

You know, I wasn’t always the caring, sensitive person I am today, I used to be a hopeless, degenerate, scumbag with no hope for a bright future. But that all changed when I found my personal savior, and to think he was there with me the whole time. I thank him and praise him every day, for through him all things are possible.

That’s right folks,

HAIL SATAN

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,