It’s Friday so I’m gonna have to ask you to stop giving fucks away like your mom at the farmer’s market. You know who really doesn’t give a fuck? Diseases and pharmacies. In fact, they systematically double teamed Ellis this morning making him about an hour late to the show. So we listened to Tully and Rawdog talk a bit about this massive tournament of guitar riffs that I guess they have been talking about for a couple months now. And today we will finally get to the bottom of what is the World’s Greatest Guitar Riff! And Slash is going to be here today! Fuck yeah! Woo, let’s do this! Tully mused a little on if some classic rock is famous just for being famous. I can see his point too with some bands, like Deep Purple. Yeah, nobody had heard shit like that before, but say that Smoke On The Water came out today, it’d just get played on Octane for a few weeks and be sort of meh. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, bitch.
What the fuck do people in a pharmacy do anyway? They held up the wing for a while and he finally showed up. Ellis has been sick as I mentioned and has been nursing his AIDS by watching old TV shows and it turned the conversation to iconic role models. Are there any left? All the kids have to look up to these days are the Kardashian whore beasts, Jersey Shore mutants and Lindsay Lohan mutant whore beasts. Ellis almost got into a fight in traffic today, and the guy threatened to pull a gun on him, so Ellis wisely backed off. Something I learned a long time ago is that people need to chill the fuck out when they are in traffic. Rage-passing people and cutting them off out of spite only leads to shitty situations and you don’t really get much out of anything. The guys hashed this out through the course of the show and unless you and the other dude are gonna park and go somewhere else and fight, it’s not worth it. But if you do get into a fight, just get super loud and say some shit like “OH YEAH? WELL HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST? HE’S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING DEAL, YOU WANNA READ THIS PAMPHLET HERE AND SAVE YOUR MORTAL SOUL, BITCH?”
Rawdog has his 10 year high school reunion coming up, and that is fucking exciting for a number of reasons. One, he has a chance to tag some of those bitches he’s been spanking it to on Facebook. Two, he has no chance at banging one of those chicks so Ellis is gonna get a porn star to go with him and make him look all badass. I think they should revisit the idea they had for getting Josh to ask out Burger Chick. Have Benji Madden and Slash walk in before him, Slash will lay down some salty licks and Benji will belt out some panty droppin’ vocals and in walks Rawdog through a wall of doves. Bam! But yeah, the porn star thing is probably what’s going to happen so that is gonna be sweet, maybe he’ll get himself a handjob. Rawdog wouldn’t come right out and say it, but what he really wants is to take Joanna as his date. Then when Tully and Ellis called him out on wanting to bang Joanna he said the ultimate friend zone motto: “It would be weird, we are too good of friends.” Haha, yeah keep telling yourself that, Dog.
Ellis started talking about how he was listening to Shannon Gunz earlier this week and she sounded awesome as ever. The music she played on Faction, though, sucked rancid balls. A caller said that he heard a band called C2C the other day and they were pretty rad. Josh read a description of the band and cracked a joke and ol’ Pendarvis came charging into the studio to defend his little tree fort. Will said Rawdog was being snarky about c2c and called Rawdog a suck-up and he is always just agreeing with Tully and Ellis to avoid confrontation, once again proving Will Pendarvis doesn’t listen to the show. So they pulled up a song from C2C and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and Tully thought it sounded like Daft Punk re-made Moby and Fatboy Slim’s love child’s album. They figured out that the song Ellis heard the Gunz playing was El Hefe’s(NOFX) band, Implants. I thought they were OK but I liked it better when Rise Against did it with less vagina. OH!
Hollywood News: Willie Nelson is 80 motherfucking years old today, and he is still smoking weed and touring his ass off. Happy birthday you weird old hippie hillibilly thing. Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t wear underwear under her dress, and apparently there was a mad dash to get her razors because she had to shave her crazy-hairy bush. Brad and Angelina’s neighbors are pussy fart shitheads and complained about them riding their dirtbikes on their private beach. Fuck those people.
Slash finally arrived on the show! That can mean only one thing! It is time, to finally finish this Greatest Riff Tournament once and for all! What better way to end this 2 month marathon of debates and quarrels and voting than with one of the greatest guitar legends ever and the master behind one of the top 8 picks? Fuck yeah let’s do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So after a little catching up between Ellis and Slash, they finally get to showing Slash the list, and Slash isn’t happy with the list. He starts rambling off a whole bunch of other riffs, and the guys explained they have narrowed it down to only a few, and these 8 are the ones they got. Ok, Slash is cool with that, and off we go. Until Sweet Child O’ Mine comes on, and Slash said it was unfair for him to vote on any of them against his own since he didn’t want there to be any bias. Well even after they slammed through a few of them, they decided that the Greatest Riff could not be decided today.
So, today is not the day to decide what the greatest riff is, but we can still talk to Slash about all the shit he is doing because he never stops. We heard about his new movie coming out with his own production company. We heard some new music off of the new album, and we got to hear about calzones. Then, out of fucking nowhere the Sirius app goes and takes a massive shit on itself. The kind of shit where you don’t even see it coming until it’s on it’s way out of your asshole. You try to run to the toilet but you know it’s too late. Shout out to Sirius and all of their fine, not-clunky-heaps-of-shit products they produce. Apparently they heard all of the racial and anti-Semitic things I was yelling into my phone because my feed came back and all was well. But by then I sort of lost what they were talking about, and I really got into the Friday spirit and stopped giving a fuck. Much like I’m about to do right now, in fact!
So here’s to hoping you all enjoy your weekend, try not to get anyone pregnant, get set on fire, jam any square-shaped objects into circle-shaped orifices or get date raped by a man in a Gwar t-shirt and volleyball shorts.