Good afternoon, you fuck ugly mooks! And when I say fuck ugly I mean wonderful people, unless I’m yelling out my window in traffic, in which case you are most certainly a fuck ugly mook and have probably done something that warrants my verbal abuse. Yay verbal abuse! But more importantly, it’s time for me to enjoy my lunch and stop hating everyone for a few hours while I tell you all about the Jason Ellis show! Today’s show started with Ellis talking about how bullying is wrong, but it would be pretty sweet if people had fur, but not in the genital area. Tully just read a news story about dogsled racing in Alaska and some Russian mother fucker had a pack of dogs so hairy that the officials couldn’t test them for steroids. “Boom Boom” Mancini was at Jason’s gym again today and those two are getting to be real pals. Jason is still training his nuts off, so if you missed it the first time last year when he smacked the bitch off of Gabe Ruediger, you better not miss it this time. And in case nobody noticed, Ellis and Katie are officially an item again, and not only that but she’s also becoming an integral part of the business of Jason Ellis, like graphic design and providing poontang to the boss on occasion. Ellis was on Loveline last night, and while he always loves being there, they play too fucking many commercials. Pendarvis came in to share his experience with radio companies and how the whole commercial thing works and why terrestrial radio probably has a higher suicide rate than dentists and religious extremists combined. Which basically reaffirms the belief that SiriusXM is way better than all the other shit you could listen to. So go swing your dick around like a helicopter on top of a mountain, you’re part of the next big thing! Thomas Haden Church is gonna be in town soon, so at some point he’s gonna be back on the show and maybe the guys will take a field trip over to KROQ studios to watch Dr. Drew fight Geraldo Riviera, WHICH WOULD BE FUCKING EPIC TO SEE NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE!!! Rude Jude stopped by to hang out and talk about how SiriusXM may be the best thing in radio, but they could sure do to trickle down some money for a few more pairs of headphones in the Los Angeles studio. Jude has been seeing a German and the strong European work ethic is proving to be right about the limit of his sexual stamina. And morning sex is out of the question, cause he’s a fucking busy man. Tully on the other hand has a ferocious morning boner and would like to get it out of the way before he has anything important to do. Jason is lucky enough that he can pretty much ask and receive, just as long as nothing is immediately urgent. Jude has an OCD type thing where he has to make sure his lady get’s equal or more rocks off than he does or else he won’t even bother, cause god dammit, Jude believes in women having the right to bust a nut too. It’s hard to drop a wad when you’ve got the TV going in the background though, especially if CNN is really doing their job and you have to know what the fuck is happening in the middle east. Jason has been slowly turning into a home made soda connoisseur like Tully. He’s been mixing those Mio sugar free plus electrolyte things in with fucking Perrier, which is almost ghetto fabulous, and he does still like soul food, so his honorary black status is still in effect. Jude posed the great point that black people and rednecks have a lot in common, which is really true if you think about it. And before I go insulting black people, let me just say that whatever I say negative about the black man, it probably goes double for whitey. But it’s weird how you don’t usually see black people at a monster truck pull. Or NASCAR. Tully want’s to be a born-again pro wrestling fan. He’s got a bunch of the classics on his Netflix queue. And even Rude Jude has been known to limbo from time to time, like our old pal Rumble McTumble. And in case you missed him last time, Rude Jude will be at EllisMania again this year, so be sure to get your tolerance for pills up, there may be some excessive designer east European hallucinogens floating around the Hard Rock that weekend, IF ya know what I mean, mates. Jude proposed the idea that Jason should fight Gabe in MMA, rather than straight boxing, to which Jason basically replied “Why don’t I just smack my head into a wall until I can’t stand up anymore?” The guys rehashed old EllisMania fights and how some lady in the crowd was telling Jude last time that she would whoop Rawdog’s ass (and considering where my seats were, it might have been my girlfriend). Ellis talked about brain damage and crying in the shower and Rude Jude admitted that there was an orange juice commercial that made him sob like a bitch. And he’s all for women’s rights too, like hot women who want to punch each other in the face for entertainment purposes. Tully floated the idea to have Jude call some of his freestyle rapper friends to come down and get electrocuted while rhyming. Pendarvis came in to give the guys a rundown of all the special guests that would be appearing in the next few days and it sounds like a lot of good shit to listen to coming real soon. And if you get really successful, you should rent a helicopter so that you can drop crocodiles on people. Westboro Baptist was suggested, but I wouldn’t suppress my disdain for humanity by just focusing on one group. Robin Williams is making some fucking sitcom, and I can’t really bring myself to care cause it’s just not the same when he’s not on coke. But god damn it’s a shame what happened to Phil Hartman. These all tie together in the way that Tully was talking about financial security and how it’s better to have a good life in place to happen than have shit handed to you. There was more talk about how people are fucked up and there’s always gonna be a gap in how everyone’s treated and it’s all gonna be for some stupid superficial shit. But hey, doesn’t mean we all can’t make the best of it and party our nuts off. Just make sure you don’t go too far towards the dark side cause there might be no coming back if you end up shooting a loved one or blowing your kidneys out after a six year bender or some shit like that. Then there was some religion talk that was not all a complete waste of time, but if you want a much better take on it, I suggest Jesus Christ: In The Name Of The Gun on jesuschristcomic.com, there’s a great moment where he has explosive diarrhea all over Adolf Hitler’s face. Or just surrender your will to the church of Tony Hawk. Basically, just don’t be an asshole and always try and make good use of your best qualities and you’ll be OK. And what better way to set up hearing Rawdog’s idea of the meaning of life than by hearing from two severely damaged people who died of unnatural causes, A la Michael Jackson overdosing and Kurt Cobain’s self inflicted gunshot wound?
So, Rawdog’s idea of the meaning of life is not 42 (as so many people would probably assume he would say), but instead he believes that there is some reason that there are humans on the planet and even if we don’t understand the “how”, we are the dominant intelligent species and we would not be here unless there is something we are supposed to accomplish. Even if it’s not in this generation, we have to put it in motion for the people of the future to do it. Step one: Learn everything from previous generations of people that you can, step two: make your own judgement about what was right or wrong or good or bad about them, and step three is to teach the future generations, so that even when we’ve been a bad example of humanity, we can let people know what not to do. Tully had to counter this by asking “what is it that people are actually supposed to accomplish?” to which Rawdog responded by talking about aliens and colonizing other planets, much as we all probably figured he would. Some guy called in to relate it to another theory he read about, and Josh started talking about how it’s impossible to know if we’re really living in The Matrix, but it’s totally possible because on the sub-sub-sub-sub-atomic level, everything looks like an old school computer game. And why the fuck do people need to make bread in laboratories nowadays anyhow? It should just be bread and be fucking tasty as a side to pretty much every dish you can make, and be great for putting stuff inside of to make sandwiches, how come everything’s gotta be a fucking experiment? The guys took some phone calls on everything they’ve been talking about and the first and best one was a guy who called and said “I just called because what the fuck?” The guys talked about some old stunts they did on the radio a couple years ago and they traced the meaning of life down to ol’ Shiny Shins fucking up the Matrix when he deletes all their old sound drops. But on the plus side, WE GOT TO HEAR WHAT PENDARVIS’ FIRST NAME IS AND IT’S NOT WILLIAM IT’S WILSON!!! So shout the fuck out to WILSOOOOOONNNN!!!! Pendarvis. And apparently there’s a scene in the movie Castaway where Tom Hanks just keeps screaming “WILSON” so the guys left that playing as long as they possibly could and it just didn’t stop being funny. The T-shirt contest was extended for a few days to give the rest of the contenders a shot at runner up status and at least a little of the glory. And lest we forget, it’s Dimebag Darrel’s birthday today, so tip that half gallon of vodka you were washing down your lunch with and pour one out for the homies. Some kid is on a YouTube video driving a mini dirt race car and getting buttery as fuck all over the track. The official Twitter of Loveline asked Ellis if he could possibly setup the bare knuckled Geraldo beating, and I for one could not be more excited to see this happen. SO if Ellis or any of the staff are reading this ridiculous fucking drivel that has little to no purpose other than a fun hobby for a bunch of fans of a radio dhow, I implore you, GET ELLIS TO SET UP THE GERALDO FIGHT!!! We also got to listen to the guys watching a video of the worst karate demo ever where the instructor couldn’t even break a board but he sure did knock it out of someone’s hands into a little girl’s head. And in Geraldo fighting news, some guy who’s relative does a bit of work for Geraldo, said he would pass along the message that the pain train is about to come non stop to the side of that fucking mustache. The guys took a phone call from the lady who runs EllisMania.com to sort out some more details on how the T-shirt contest is gonna work in the second round, and this one is all about what the fans vote for, so go put all your little thumbs up on the design that you might actually wear on facebook.com/ellismania. There was some talk about having Tera Patrick fight Ruby Renegade, and I’m sure there’s a few thousand future erections that would love for that to happen. The guys took some phone calls about shit, some dude watched a Bret Hart documentary, and some lady called for something or other, somebody floated the idea to have two big humongous mother fuckers fight each other at EllisMania and then promise to lose X amount and fight each other again at the next one, and some other shit as well. Ellis has been drinking a lot of those coffee smoothies he came up with a little while ago, and has probably gotten really regular. It may be a bad time to try and tell him that you can totally freebase instant coffee, but he’s been training as hard as he can lately. The guys kicked around more ideas about who Tera Patrick could fight cause apparently it’s gonna be the most important fucking thing ever if she shows up. One idea was a round robin three way fight between Rawdg, Tera and Nick Swardson which would possibly be some fun shit to see. Then Ellis suggested having her fight three dudes all tied together, and naming it “The Tera-dactyl fight.” Some guy called to talk to “EllisMania” and said he had been on hold for two months, and then when they told him to ask his question he went silent and was hung up on, so apparently his problems weren’t that important, but important enough to spend eight weeks listening to the on hold music of Swinghouse Studios. More Tera Patrick fight ideas started flowing, such as eight guys with their hands bound getting patched up, and if she can’t knock them down she has to start taking clothes off, and even more future erections are cheering in approval of this idea. And someday there will be a dude hanging upside down from the rafters getting the piss knocked out of him at EllisMania, and the townspeople will rejoice.
So, a new poll from Business Insider has asked Americans in every state to make it public just how much they hate people in the other states, further bolstering 237 years of the government keeping it’s citizens divided so they’ll always have an “enemy” that will convince them they need to buy stuff (cause really, why the hell else would Business Insider need to do this but to keep the rich rich?). Long and short of it, America’s most favorite state is California and the least favorite is Texas. The best food comes from New York and the worst is in Alaska which is really just an STD that we got from Canada (Yeah, I said it, bitches). The state with the ugliest residents is Alabama and the hottest are from California (Booyaakashaaaaaaa but our sales tax and cost of living is ridicuous and we’re at best number 48 in school spending and number 2 or 3 in prison spending, but who the fuck is counting really). The drunkest state in America is Louisiana, and I’m not sure why that’s an achievement but congratulations. Minnesota is the friendliest state but that’s only because it’s actually part of Canada where manners and poutine are king. The most arrogant state is New York (Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhocking). The smartest state is Massachusetts and the dumbest bunch of people you know probably have relatives in Mississippi, so the stupid and the ugly can happily breed with each other in their little pocket of swamp lands away from the rest of us attractive intelligent people. And what state does America wish it could get rid of like a torn, cum stained pleather couch covered in scabies? That’s right, it’s Texas, with California coming in a close second. And California also got an honorable mention for being the most overrated (see anti-establishment rant above and then do some fucking research and tell me I’m wrong, avocados aren’t worth a 9.5% sales tax and a high school diploma that won’t even get me into a college in THIS FUCKING STATE but I’m not mad or nothing). The most underrated state however is Oregon, and people are probably only saying that cause they watch way too much Portlandia on IFC. But fuck all that noise, cause we can all come together to hate a bunch of other noise commonly referred to as NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And to start it off, let’s all hear the newest one from Watain, which is Rawdog’s pick of the week. It was also not completely terrible for a new metal track, which wasn’t completely shit on by a vocalist doing the cookie monster voice. Perfect segue for the new track by John Mayer, which will make all your girlfriends wish you treated them better like he would, cause he’s such a sensitive soulful mother fucker, you know he’d make you cum at least a dozen times before he even thought about finishing cause that’s the kind of romantic sexual respect he just has oozing out of every single orifice on his fucking body. After that was a band called No Age which was not too different from most of the indie shite that seams to be completely mainstream despite how hard they always try not to be, and seeing as how hipsters are becoming the new norm, I for one am welcoming nuclear holocaust with arms wide open, more so than Scott Stapp from Creed in that shitty song they did. Next up was A$ap Ferg, one of the guys in A$ap Rocky’s crew, who’s branching out and doing a solo project that is not terrible but impossible to pick out of a crowd of other rap music that isn’t particularly noteworthy. Next one down the pipe was some Norwegian teenager named Lorde who is biting HARD off of Adele’s style like she’d been locked in a basement and it was the first piece of bread that’s been thrown down the stairs in two weeks. After that was a guy named Tai Seagal (I hope to fuck it’s no relation to Steven Seagal, but then again he was married to two people in two counties at the same time, while helping expand Russia’s immortality research department) and it was a stripped down version of his normal garage rock stuff, like if a shitty action star decided to change up his normal blues type stuff and do a prog rock album. And the award for best band name goes to the next group showcased today, Diarrhea Planet, with a new one from their album I’m Rich Beyond Your Wildest Dreams, proving that they are fucking rock stars to the very core of their beings, the only problem is that the song was like an entire galactic body made of liquid feces. Next up was one of the guy’s from Odd Future’s solo project, Earl Sweatshirt, proving that nerd rap isn’t going anywhere, unless heroin is involved. And if that wasn’t your thing, you might like Flashgod Apocalypse, bringing us more of the slow building, over orchestrated metal that is a little too epic to be reproduced continuously, and then COOKIE MONSTERING OVER A FUCKING SWEET ASS OPENING RIFF LIKE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET REVENGE ON SOMEONE FOR GIVING YOU HEPATITIS but it’s cool cause when you’re in the record store, it’s not set up like Ikea so you don’t have to stop and look at every god damn thing even though you came there for something else. And in case you were about to have an aneurysm out of sheer anticipation, there’s a new record from the band Travis, proving that four men can all have one collective vagina that doesn’t ever stop bleeding. After that we heard the newest from Superchunk, and if you miss the 90’s here’s a decent little taste of what everybody was into back when we couldn’t figure out what to wear and everything sucked and Brittany Murphy probably wasn’t a cokehead yet but she sure was charming as the tomboy grunge rocker in Clueless. Finally, we got a taste of the newest one from Jimmy Buffet, and I get the feeling that he hasn’t left Margaritaville in quite some time. Tully heard some story about Justin Bieber and Michael Jackson are working on a collaboration, and I think Justin may be confused about making it work out seeing as MJ died like four years ago, but Bieber can smoke a fucking dick and slit his throat with his next platinum album and it wouldn’t slow down my day for a second. Some guy called in to see what he should do about some ex that he’s obsessing over and pretty much everyone can agree to just get over it and if she was really that much of a bitch then why waste all that mental energy on it? And if you need help doing that, I suggest banging one of her friends. It totally works, trust me.
I bet you never thought you’d hear a news story about a Hollywood celebrity doing something strange, but it’s a lot more common than you might think, so how about some Hollywood news? The lead singer of the band The Calling is claiming he was abducted, beaten and robbed after playing a festival in Michigan and they demanded his “Hollywood Money” and they only held back from shooting him in the face when he told them he was gonna be having kid soon, but he did get pretty well roughed up, lost a tooth, concussion, broke his lower back getting tossed out of a van, and probably won’t be making any late nineties one hit love jams tailor made for a teen romantic comedy anytime soon. In light of this incident, Tully floated the idea that there should be a council of good musicians to come together and start regulating the amount of absolute donkey shit that makes it onto the radio today and have Metallica be their hit squad, which I would totally be in favor of. Lilly Tomlin is a raging lesbian and finally got around to marrying her girlfriend of 42 fucking years, and seeing as most marriages don’t even last that long, I say kudos to any two women who can put up with each other that long and still want to take their relationship to a new level. Sean “Diddy” “Puffy” “Puff Daddy” P. Diddy” Combs recently got sued by another unpaid intern who doesn’t quite seem to understand that an intern IS AN UNPAID POSITION WHERE YOU DO ABSOLUTE SHIT WORK THAT IS BORING AND MENIAL AND DOES NOT PROVIDE MUCH EXPERIENCE OTHER THAN SHOWING UP ON TIME AND LISTENING TO DIRECTIONS WHICH IS STILL A HIGHLY UNDERVALUED SET OF SKILLS THAT PEOPLE AREN’T BEING TAUGHT ENOUGH OF THESE DAYS (and I’m one to talk cause I actually overslept and showed up to work an hour and a half late today, but that’s beside the point) AND IF YOU EXPRESS THESE SKILLS WELL THEN YOU GET A GOOD RECOMMENDATION AND POSSIBLY A PAID POSITION AFTER YOUR INTERNSHIP IS COMPLETED but hey job skills are pointless to teach, right? Any dickhead can become famous, just look at the Sham-Wow guy. Chris Brown was recently sentenced to 1,000 hours of community service, but will probably never do it cause he’s rich, but much like that shitty sweater that grandma made you every Christmas with the mismatched arms that was either too big or too small and the neck hole was way the fuck off center, it’s the thought that counts. And Olivia Newton-John had another dead body found at her house this weekend, in an apparent suicide committed by a contractor while working on her house. And as an interesting sidebar, the house that he shot himself in was in the process of being sold to Rosie O’Donnell. Scott Storch is a pretty well known hip-hop producer from a few years back, and recently he got robbed outside of a hotel in New York, which is what happens when you spend a bunch of years doing cocaine to the point where you don’t keep money in the bank and your famous for being a fiend and going bankrupt and now you carry your money around in a briefcase very similar to people who have all of their worldly possessions neatly cataloged in a train of shopping carts. And Dick Van Dyke fell asleep at the wheel in traffic on he 101 yesterday and the Jaguar he was “driving” started to catch on fire while he was in it, and wouldn’t have made it out alive if it weren’t for a friendly fellow motorist, which is just about fucking impossible to find in rush hour traffic in LA on the 101. And LA is gonna be getting a new football team, officially owned by KISS! And they will be: The Los Angeles KISS. I kinda wish they would have bout the Raiders back from Oakland, but you can’t pick how everyone else is gonna waste their money. And the MTV Video Music Awards are gonna be happening this weekend and in honor of Justin Timberlake’s lifetime achievement award, N*sync might just do a reunion show. Some phone calls came through and my wish for an Armageddon level plague to thin the herd is just as strong as it ever was. There were a couple of movies that came out this weekend that were pretty fucking terrible and their opening weekend profits are starting to reflect that.Hopefully this sends enough of a message that Hollywood needs to step their game up or porn is gonna be the only movies worth watching. On a lighter note though, the Steve Jobs movie got pretty well shat on by the public, so that makes me feel all tingly in my favorite parts. A guy called in to volunteer his brother for that fat dude weight loss fight, and sounds like an honestly concerned family member trying to get his relative some motivation to make some good moves in his life. Some dude called in and said he hung out with Jason Bieber at a house party but he sounded like kind of a tard and probably didn’t actually get too close to him except to hand him a beer and say hi if he even met the guy at all. Some more people called in to give more people who work at AT&T a reason to stop working so hard to keep everyone in contact with each other. The guys talked about how interns are probably being ungrateful as all fuck, but at the same time corporations are relying on them too much when they could just hire entry level employees who would kind of cost them less in the long run and be good for the economy. Rawdog admitted that he kind of scammed the system when he was an intern and got college credit for working at Sirius even though he went to school 6 hours north because one of his professors helped him fill out the paperwork. Then three shitheads talked back and forth to each other for about ten seconds and some guy called Rawdog a bitch for thinking that people might want to get paid for working. Bruce lee music aaaaaaaannnnddddddd……Done.
In all the lessons I’ve been taught, the most important was the one my friend Pat Wright told me. He said: We all enter this world naked, screaming and covered in someone else’s blood so why should the fun end there?
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
