2014

Posted on February 24, 2014 by bitPimps 中

The pee-pee fairy is real!

So there I was… listening intently to my favorite show when suddenly it dawned on me. “Hey! It’s Monday and I’m supposed to be writing a re-cap!” Cool story, huh? Yeah. Well don’t worry. I’m here! So first things first, the show is from that place where a lot of bimbos are kept, lots tan people (aka Mexicans) are running around, and everyone wears goofy sunglasses that way too large for their heads. Ellis is doing his best to fight the pee-pee fairy, you know – it lives in your underwear and steals the last drop of piss from your wiener. Tully just lives in denial to the pee-pee fairy because he wears really dark underwear, therefore never seeing the tell-tail signs of the pee-pee fairy or his skidmarks. Ellis saw his ex-wife cry in front of Katie. Tiger was getting weirded out about this half black, half white kid chasing him at Sky Zone or whatever trampoline world place they were at to celebrate his birthday. Ellis was busy blowing up balloons and making “blow me” jokes when he saw Devin, mommy, & grandma b-line it to the bathroom. Turns out there was some weird family issue with the aunt and it got pretty uncomfortable and a little tense. Ahhh, family. We’ve all got one. Well most of us do, unless your family is dead or didn’t want you as a child and left you by a trash can at a Walmart. What? Did I say something wrong? Break time!

Ready for training?

And we’re back! Joey Diaz is in studio and we’re talking about the smartest kid ever, who sold Girl Scout cookies outside of a weed dispensary. Joey thinks Ellis looks like the ultimate road warrior, this lead to Joey telling the story of how he knew the key grip or something from the Mad Max movies, which led into Dances With Wolves and failing eye sight as you age. What? You can’t see the connection? Joey recently quit smoking weed, now he just vaporizes it. A lot of it. If you’re familiar with him, you know he’s been a heavy weed smoker for a long time. No, I mean a heavy into weed. Like he out baked Doug Benson heavy. This is him trying to bring his lungs back into shape so he can really start seeing the benefits of jiu-jitsu. We got to hear about how CoCo used to carry around a machine gun and acquired a trunk load of cocaine and how he went to prison. Again, if you’re familiar with Diaz, he’s got more stories than Stephen King and almost all of them are pretty crazy. He kidnapped a dude in 1988, bumped into the dude again in ’94 and tried to apologize but as one might expect, it was accepted. He tried to friend the guy on Facebook, the guy wouldn’t accept his friend request and then a quarter of a century later, the guy calls up Joey on his podcast and finally accepted his apology. See? He’s got some pretty gnarly stories. He talked about the recently deceased Harold Ramis and how he got to have a short part in one of his movies and picked his comedy brain for a couple days. Basically, I could write on for days and days about all the entertaining stories and life this guy has lived, but I just don’t have that kind of time. Fuck, I think the Internet might even run out of 1’s and 0’s if I typed all that shit. So if you want more Joey, catch him on his podcast, catch him on The Joe Rogan Experience, catch him in movies, catch him on Twitter, Facebook, you can catch this guy in a lot of place – just Google him. Break time!

When shit gets outta hand, Bourne-Tard is ready to keep people in line.

And we’re back! Aussie News time with the suicidal reproduction of mouse like marsupials who fuck themselves to death. Time to start paying the price for the bets that were made on the UFC fights this past weekend. To revisit, Tully bet if Rousey lost, he’d drink his own pee, if McMann lost, Cumtard would have to drink his own pee. Rousey won – even though people think the fight was stopped too soon – so that’s sippin’ on some pizzurp time for Kevikins. Cumtard also lost his bet with Ellis since Cummins lost, so now Cumtard will eat normal shit for 45 minutes and then eat a vomit inducing onion. In other MMA News, Cyborg really wants to take out Rousey but feels like Rousey and Dana White are doing all they can to avoid that fight, which isn’t surprising to hear come from Cyborg. A lot of people would like to see that fight happen, but the odds are probably pretty slim that it ever will. Let’s face it, Cyborg isn’t the most well liked fighter, lots of claims of her roid use, she doesn’t want to fight at the champion’s weight, and many people think she’s never fought anyone as good as Rousey. In who gives a shit news, Hulk Hogan is coming back to the WWE, brother. Moto News with Mike Alessie’s incident with Broc Tickle, where Alessie straight up took out Tickle. That bullshit earned him a fine of $4,000 from the AMA and a bunch of hate from fans, riders, and pretty much everyone except his daddy. Break time!

Remember how much Jason Bourne couldn’t handle even smelling onions?

And we’re back! This time with Cowfucker News. Old, inside show joke? Nope. There actually was news about a cow fucking duo busted by a farmer. Now, piss drinking time – allegedly. And there we go. Ok, that was a bit anti-climatic, right? Well it should come as no surprise that this isn’t the first time Tard-Tard has been sippin’ on some pizzurp. So, the only way to remedy this is to put the shock collar on him and make him start eating the onion. Houston, we have vomit. Before he could even get a mouthful in, he started gagging and spitting. The best way I can describe the sound of what happened during the bit is to have you imagine a mentally challenged person fucking the tracheotomy hole of another person, in an insane asylum, while two Japanese chicks barf into bowls who then trade bowls, and begin to consume each other’s vomit, causing them to vomit the other person’s vomit back up, but they vomit the vomit into the tracheotomy hole while the mentally challenged person continue to fuck it. Did you cum yet? Wilson’s super happy about all this because he’s in the middle of trying to hire a new employee while all this is going on, which you just know makes the person looking for a job there, super excited about their potential future career there. And now I just have one final story for you before putting a ribbon on this bitch and calling it my gift to you.

Anyone? Yes? No? Just me?

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried. The husband said, “I’m not sure – I think maybe she choked.” Get it? Because he put his dick in her mouth. Instead of giving her oral sex. Get it? OH! (pee on you)

Show recap for Friday 2/21/2014

Posted on February 21, 2014 by Az_RedDragon

Happy Chad Reed Day Eve! How will you be paying homage to the king of moto? I will be decorating the Chad Reed tree, making Chad Reed cookies, and tomorrow morning I will watch the kids open their Chad Reed gifts on Chad Reed morning while watching the A Chad Reed Story marathon. Today at the gym Ellis saw some nerdy white guy in nice clothes just hanging out, it was kinda odd until he realized that Usher was also in the gym and probably brought the white dude for moral support. Jason said his boxing skills weren’t terrible, not great, but he’s definitely getting lessons. Back to Chad Reed day, fun Chad Reed fact, he is half Abbo, half Austraian, and full blood badass. In today’s Olympic news the Canadian women’s hockey team won the gold. Congrats to Canada for having the toughest, biggest, roughest bunch of manly women on ice in the world. Also while on the subject of the Olympics, way to go Russia, hating the gays but having massive boners for their figure skating couples. Also while on the subject of Russia, Pussy Riot got shit whipped at a performance by the police.

We came back from the break with a sampling of the instant hits created by Hate Bean. I wouldn’t be surprised of Metallica’s next album has a cover of Weiner Gazer. Hate bean will also be performing at EM10, so that will be worth the tickets alone! The guys rambled on about Hollywood, expensive cars, Tully’s neighborhood, cartoons, and of course, Chad Reed. We heard a beautiful heart felt poem from Will, an original song created by Cumtard, some caller contributions, an awesome original production by Michael Tully, and a few email submissions. Chad Reed is an inspirational mother fucker.

Big weekend ahead, Supercross, UFC, and Tigers birthday party at Trampoline World. Ellis is going to be signing books tonight in Huntington Beach at wherever he’s going to be. Hell, by the time I get this posted you might have missed it. My bad. But check his Twittah just to be sure. Another thing to check is Christian’s Instagram account @kingtrut and feel free to give your opinion on Kevin’s head. Does he just have thin hair or is his hair line running from his face? You make the call.

Ever watched your kids playing with their toys and wish you had a bigger grown up version of their toys? Well now from the makers of Silly Splooge, Whamo presents Crazy Carts Mega! Now you can play WITH your kids and slam them into the wall in a perfectly legal way! And sticking with the toys and games subject, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy Chad Reed Edition. Suck it Parker Brothers! And for the second time in a row Dingo wins! Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to ride my flying pig to hell for ice skating lessons. Before I finish this recap on this glorious Chad Reed day, I leave you with a poem,

Chad Reed rides with speed
He rides with intent
He passes you up
Like your bike is all bent

On one fateful day
And with one bad turn
He got a shit whippin
He totally got burned

He’s got a busted back
And his shoulder is a bit bum
But that doesn’t stop Chad Reed
From fuckin yer mum,
OH!

Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

Posted on February 20, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it’s me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you’re hearing from me this week and you’re probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you’ll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you’re having a ‘sick of this bitch’ episode, because frankly- I’m sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I’m sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn’t want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I’m feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don’t just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny ‘no’ sounds. So yeah. That’s what he deals with when I’m sick on top of the following conversation today:
“Hunny, I don’t know if I’m going to sneeze or projectile vomit.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Seriously, though. And no…it’s not exciting at all.” I’m probably tinged green at this point.
“Well, if there’s even a chance that it’s going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?” And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone’s house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don’t usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I’m sorry.

Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I’m assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don’t care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn’t that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don’t think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would ‘shake him up’ because he’s already said it. It’s already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you’re interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren’s Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he’s been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it’s been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself ‘clawing’ up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, “Wasn’t it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?” He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, ‘but I could be wrong about that’ that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I’m supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn’t have the information ready to go over with them because it’s taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to ‘okay’ the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an ‘in da club’ song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it’s try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn’t know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.

Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn’t on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I’m already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the ‘Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the ‘Ellis Would Die’ are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That ‘Ellis Would Kill’ and doesn’t want to fight because they aren’t real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he’s in more than one category). The ‘Are You Insane’ contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He’s gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he’s an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there’s some backstory his fight can go on.

Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at SubmitToEllis@gmail.com. Easy peasy. Make it good!

Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn’t too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it’s dumb and it’s probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn’t believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don’t hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if ‘sex’ counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that’s on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don’t think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that’s when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I’d be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can’t have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he’s never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can’t is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.

It’s that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn’t give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it’s only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol’ blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don’t heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven’t been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don’t think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore’s view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.

Back from the break it’s time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a ‘How Well Do You Know Ellis?’ trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis’ best friend forever, so it’s a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I’m rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I’m at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I’m going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason’s favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum’s house to fuck her in    Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson    Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason’s favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason’s favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
Right: Ellis
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature’s perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
Right: Ellis
14. What is Jason’s favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world’s greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid’s head
right: Ellis
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock       Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he’s not runnin’ this is a fight, son)     Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan     Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason’s favorite color? A: Black
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
20. What is Jason’s lucky number? A: 1
Right: Ellis
21. Who is Jason’s hero? A: Jason Ellis
Right: Ellis and Christian
22. Who is Jason’s best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully’s favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude’s favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that’s supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.

Back from the last break it’s time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I’m really not into it unless I’m watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that’s usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it’s a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn’t enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard’s Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian’s podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that’s why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.

Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I’m going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn’t really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he’ll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I’m sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They’ve had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I’m sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don’t feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we’re everywhere. Personally, I’m always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is “that’s shitty, I love you, hugs from far away”. Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.

What we learned on the show today:

I’m sick and cranky

Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers

No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails

The guys got their hands on a Keytar

Kelly Slater would kick a shark’s ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman

Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with

Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb

Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore

Ellis’ 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried

Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm

Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food

The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders

Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week

Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan

LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn’t speak english

Final callers still suck and can’t stop dying

Show Recap for Wednesday 2/19/2014

Posted on February 19, 2014 by jenni_mazky

#TheAwesomeGuideToLife Just keep tweeting it…we’ll get it trending. If you don’t do it…I might not love you anymore. Just sayin.

Ellis opens up the show today with some crazy cat meow trippy background going on, because why the hell not, and he’s been thinking about how easy it is for him to do radio. Seriously. He shouldn’t be allowed to drive, but he doesn’t think that there’s any harm in him being allowed to do a radio show. He’s also gonna go ahead and call bullshit on animals that people say can talk, like whales and dogs, and things like that, because they can’t really talk, guys. Yeah they make all sorts of weird noise and faces and we like to think that they are talking to each other and to us, but they aren’t. They’re animals. They’re dumb. Dogs are gonna be happy when you give them food not because they were asking you for food, but because they’re dogs and they’re dumb and they’ll eat that motherfucking food even if they aren’t hungry and they’ll get fat and dumb(er) and shit. Well…my dog won’t eat if he isn’t hungry…but I’m weird and thereby so is he. And when it comes to whales and them talking to each other, no they don’t! Whales are super dumb! They get themselves into crazy situations where they wind up on beaches and die because they can’t get back off by themselves. Ellis starts wondering if whales beach themselves because they are depressed because all of their whale-talking isn’t working to attract a fe-whale to bone (see what I did there?) and they just want to end their life…but no, probably not, because Tully says that you have to be intelligent to know that you suck and be depressed about your life enough to want to kill yourself and end up a beached whale. It would be cool to see whales jumping in real life though. Like…really real life, not on television…and Ellis wonders where you can go to see something like that? The Antarctic? The Arctic? Turns out that you can see whales jump around in both of those places, but you can’t see Penguins in the Arctic and you can’t see Santa in the Antarctic- they are mutually exclusive fuckers. So that means, as Tully says, that Santa has never seen a penguin, and no penguins have ever seen Santa. That’s kinda sad. But what would penguins even think of Santa? Are they colorblind? Would they just think that he’s some big, disformed, albino penguin? Hmmmm…

This somehow turns into Tully saying that he kind of misses chasing girls around aka ‘The Hunt’. He’s met girls who seemed mysterious and smart, but they really just knew when to not open their mouths to reveal that they were dumb as rocks, but that illusion was shattered at one point where one of these chicks got high and then it was just kind of funny. Oh weed…evening the playing field in the past, present, and for years to come. But Tully misses chasing girls around and flirting and kissing and all of that nonsense, probably because he’s married and doesn’t remember how shitty so much of it really is, but he is quick to say that he definitely doesn’t miss it enough to ditch his current lifestyle of being a hubby and a daddy to go and spend his nights getting drunk and chasing tail. Good save, Tully, good save. Ellis talks about how he is allowed to flirt (because Katie is awesome and really is the perfect woman for him) but he usually doesn’t take the flirting all that far because it just isn’t worth it. In the end, they also have to keep in mind that chasing girls now would be different than chasing girls then because now the girls are all older and shit (because they aren’t creepy and aren’t going to go out and chase 20 year olds) and that’s a game changer.

Ellis posted a new video to Ellismania.com last night, of him going off of a ramp and getting shit-whipped. He says that he had about an 80% chance of making it, but then he didn’t, and got knocked the fuck out. He was having fun right up until the lights went out, which is the important thing, and the only reason that he was there was because it was his home ramp (even though it wasn’t the same ramp anymore and was just in the same spot) and he was mostly out of the skating game at that point, but he was on the tour because he was still a fun guy to be around. On the plus side, after being knocked out he woke up in the hospital to a nurse giving his balls a nice warm sponge bath. For the win.

Ellis was on Frank DeCaro’s radio show this morning talking about his book with Frank and Doria. Tully asks Jason what it was like and Ellis gives the wonderful description that the Frank DeCaro show is a lot like The Jason Ellis Show, just more gay. Which really, is a glowing review when you think about it, because Ellis has no hate for gay people. He did say that he felt that it was the best interview that he did for his book, The Awesome Guide to Life, so far because Frank already knows him (which probably means all that bullshitty small talk was over with pretty quick) and because it’s on satellite radio they could have a real conversation about it. On terrestrial radio the subtitle of the book gets bleeped out…and that’s just lame as fuck if you ask me. Or Ellis. I’m sure that he thinks that’s lame as well. Tully and Ellis start talking about Frank DeCaro and how he’s really sort of a 70 year old man in a slightly younger man’s body because he’s into tons of old fashioned shit and owns cookbooks written by celebrities that neither Ellis or Tully have really ever heard of. Tully, however, does think that he’s a lot like Frank because he tends to have, what he calls, the Entertainment Taste of a Gay Man. Why? Well, maybe because when he went to put on Bob the Builder for DudeMan this morning so he could catch a couple extra winks, his DVR was simultaneously recording Frasier and The Golden Girls. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ellis then starts pressing a bunch of buttons and we hear songs, kitty meows (that may or may not be CumTard), and after hitting a button containing Andy Dick, Tully mentions that Mr. Dick is going to be doing a cameo for Sharknado 2 along with a shit ton of other celebrities who want to cash in, and is also going to be starring Mark McGrath. Killer Karaoke is going to be premiering tomorrow, so Tully makes the suggestion that they should DVR it on the studio’s TV since they have the capability of doing that, but CumTard shows up to shoot that idea down. Why? Because the board needs to be reconfigured to handle this new DVR power and at this point they’d only be able to either see or hear what was going on. Will is the only person who knows how to configure the board and he’s on the phone. CumTard keeps telling Tully that the DVR is good to go and Tully asks, “how can you say it’s ready to go, but we can’t use it?” and the crickets start chirping because there is no equivocating that question. That’s okay though, because Will puts his call on hold to ask Tully what he wants accomplished and without missing a beat tells Tully that it will not be a problem to get it worked out in time for Killer Karaoke’s premiere. Hi-five Wilson, for making things happen.

Tully tells Ellis that The Awesome Guide to Life seems to be doing well, and Ellis mentions that he wants people to take cool pics with the book so that he can retweet them like Jude is doing with Hyena, because that’s a really good idea. This is where Ellis actually mentions that the interview that he did with Frank DeCaro was the best one, but it fit better two paragraphs ago, and then they start talking about how the gay community seems to be more up to date with how people talk which is why Frank wasn’t offended by the shit that Ellis said in the book, and that the regular media is just way too uptight about all of this shit. Tully goes off on a mini rant about ‘traditional media’ and how they are a bunch of robots who all look the same and act the same and wear the same clothes and have the same views to establish some false sense of normality that they preach to people and make everyone watching them want to emulate their standard of normal so as to not be considered ‘weird’ and how the tide is currently turning due to the internet and everyone’s ability to directly interact with one another and go, “hey wait, everyone is really fucking weird”. But there are still people who are trying to hold on to that traditional media way of life and picture of normality which is where some of the backlash for AG2L comes from, because Ellis talks like he talks and says shit and dick and chick and whatever, but the ‘weird’ out there has the numbers to really make this a fight. Plus, everyone should remember that the mainstream media- the news shows, the late night shows, they are mostly geared toward the 50+ community who have only known this ‘standard of normal’ (that doesn’t actually exist) and yeah…fuck normal. They take some calls and Caller Aaron is mad that his friend lies about cross dressing while high on Crystal Meth and Ellis and Tully think that Aaron should be more concerned about the whole Crystal Meth part of that sentence. Caller Louie (and his wife) call because they’re having a debate about the sexual preferences of people who cross dress and Ellis and Tully lay down the wisdom that cross-dressing doesn’t make you guy, having sex with someone of the same sex is probably more what makes you gay (the wife won the debate). A couple other callers call about things that make you gay or mean you’re gay and then Caller Curtis calls. Caller Curtis is a first time caller and first time show listener who decided to give TJES a listen after hearing Ellis on the Frank DeCaro show this morning. He is a gay man and imparts the following wisdom to Ellis, Tully, and all of us listeners: being gay isn’t what you do, it’s who you are inside. Boom. Claps for Curtis. Caller Bob asks Ellis how many drag shows he’s been to, and Ellis has been to one in America, a bunch in Australia, and he went to the Tranny Awards over the weekend. The caller thinks that this is funny and Ellis shoots him off. Ellis says that he doesn’t mind drag shows, but he doesn’t like it when they fake sing, but Tully would probably be all over that so long as they don’t suck. A caller then calls and asks if a person in prison has sex with other dudes because he’s in prison and has no other options is gay…and it really depends…and Tully doesn’t have a solid answer. He regales us with a short tale about when he was in a long dry spell and he would get drunk and go on Craigslist for casual encounters because he was so desperate for beave, but in that time he never considered going to a gay bar where he probably could have gotten laid for sure. Prison sex happens, but Tully doesn’t really get it.

Back from the break (and yeah…all of that shit went on before the first break…this was not a show of many breaks) there’s a guest on the phone! Who is it? It’s Patrick ‘Durkin’ Cummins. If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad because I had no fucking idea either, but he is the guy who is currently slated to fight on the card in UFC 170 against Daniel Cormier after an injury knocked out Rashad Evans. Cummins is 4-0 but has no UFC fights under his belt. Ellis tells him that he is about to be a super star and then asks what he was doing prior to getting signed to the UFC a couple of days ago. Cummins tells Ellis how he was working two jobs as a Barista (he can make a heart out of your espresso, adorable) and as a Security Guard. Even if Cummins doesn’t win the fight against Cormier he will remain in the UFC as he has signed a multi-fight deal, but if you ask Cummins, he will tell you that he is going to win. He’ll also tell you that he’s fought/sparred with Cormier before and in that scrap he dropped him on his head and made him cry. Cummins feels that he has the cardio that Cormier doesn’t and while Cormier might be able to take him in a four minute fight, a fifteen minute UFC event is where Cummins is going to come out on top. He says a couple of times that he has nothing to lose, but Ellis points out that he has everything to gain and Cormier has a lot to lose, so it might motivate him to rip Cummins’ head off. Cummins also points out that Cormier has a lot more weight to cut than he does, and that he previously (Olympics) has had trouble cutting weight and he has to cut even more weight here. All in all, Cummins comes off as a determined but very affable guy, and I sort of hope he wins because he reminds me of my friend Dr. Marc who is like a big muscley puppy. Tully tells Cummins that he will be putting thousands of dollars that he doesn’t have on him to win so, you know, no pressure. You can follow Patrick Cummins on twitter if you want @officialdurkin, and you know that you do, in fact, want.

Off the phone, Will is instagramming himself with The Awesome Guide to Life, which is something that you should get on doing. Taking pics with the book, I mean, not being Will in their studio…because Ellis wants to retweet those pics!!! Speaking of The Awesome Guide to Life, Tully is started to get less fake angry and more real angry over the negative reviews coming from females in regard to the book. Why? Because it’s increasingly apparent after reading GQ’s article that these women aren’t even actually reading the book. They are being spoon fed random sentences and reacting out of context, which is just…bullshit. Although, as Tully points out to Ellis, being on GQ’s radar kind of means that you’re making it. Ellis says that he isn’t offended by people who are offended by him, because he gets it. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t sugar coat things. He is trying to be more understandable to women (of women?) but he’s doing it for himself, not for his critics or anyone else. We all know where I stand on this one. Tully points out that the book sort of allows readers to live vicariously through him, and it’s impossible that some of the people reviewing the book have actually read it because it is ridiculously apparent that this is a humorous book from an extreme guy living an extreme lifestyle. He is not telling everyone to go out and sleep with strippers and prostitutes. Get over yourselves negative reviewers. The Awesome Guide to Life is in the #1 slot on two separate Amazon lists though…so…wooo!!!! And ELLIS NEEDS MORE PICS WITH THE BOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!?!?! Oh wait, there’s one of the book next to an Ellismate tattoo, who’s that from? It’s from Jenni. Boom. Yeah…I just recapped Ellis mumbling my name. Tully said Hubbs’ tattoo was sweet. DoubleBoom.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack- Billy Ray Virus, President Death, Mr. Chick, Spreewell Menses, Captain Banana Trousers, Emergency Tits, Mr. FuzzyBottom, Mrs. BottomFuzz, Phil Myassin (With Dicks), The Polish Dinosaur, The Black Asian, JohnnyJohnny FuckFuck, Heavy Fingering, Neck Toddler, Napalm Turd, I Eat People, The Fart Whisperer, Fuck My Face, Frozen Shitknife III, and the Fifth Metallica. These were some epic fucking names and I almost didn’t get them all because I was laughing so hard. Captain Banana Trousers!!!!!! Amazeballs.

Back from the second break Tully reminds us all that he and Ellis are doing one of those Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) sessions tomorrow (Thursday 2/20/14) starting a 9:30AM Pacific Time, which is 12:30PM Eastern Time, and if you’re somewhere in between…add or subtract an hour as needed. The book is out. It’s real. It’s happening. I don’t know much about AMA’s, but with the anything goes questions, I’m sure it will be super interesting. There was supposed to be a game starting straight back from the break, but they aren’t ready because all of the contestants aren’t there, so CumTard gets his Bummy face kicked out of the studio for now. Ellis and Tully play a video shot by a dad who is sitting in his car and watching kids fall on patches of ice. Tully makes a couple of jokes about not knowing what the white stuff is because he’s a dick and he thinks 50 degrees is cold. It was 45 degrees out in New York today and I was like “Oh my fucking God, thank you for making it warm outside!” The dad doesn’t try and warn anyone about the ice, nor do the kids who are also standing around watching it happen also, and yeah, we’re all a bunch of assholes, because I saw that video and it was funny as hell. Ellis brings up Ronda Rousey and how her father killed himself when she was 8 and how it’s really tempting to think about how that affected her and maybe attributed to her current personality, but her mother was also a Judo Olympian famous for her arm-bars, so maybe Ronda was always going to be insanetastic (yeah, I won’t insult a bitch who can kill me). Tully asks what if she’s too good and there is truly no one who can even come close to beat her? Every great fighter needs a good rival, right? What if Miesha Tate is the best of the rest? Ellis thinks that there has to be someone out there who can beat her and Miesha did give her a pretty good run the second time around, just like there’s someone who can beat Anderson Silva- although apparently Anderson Silva can beat himself (Oh! Too soon? I don’t care! That was all Hubbs and I died laughing). CumTard came up with a short video of a little Russian girl walking on ice for the first time…since they’re just looking for ways to take up time until the game is a go, and all you hear is the girl crunching along on the ice until whack! Her head hits the ground. Ouch. In other news, the UFC and Dana White are talking about uniforms becoming a thing. Some people are having a shit fit over it, but Ellis and Tully are okay with it. Whatever. Lastly (at least for the purposes of this recap) archeologists (probably) have recently unearthed a 200 year old douche! Exciting, right? It was made out of an unidentified mammal bone and was found in Manhattan in the original city hall grounds/ruins/whathaveyou and they’re thinking that they basically uncovered the aftermath of a pretty bitching party because douches were the contraception of choice back in the day and it was found among empty bottles of booze and food containers. WooHoo!

Time for the game! Which is Smell! That! Dick! Wait…what? Well…seems like CumTard is going to do some CumTarded dick sniffing while wearing a Borat style unitard where his own junk is half falling out, much to the chagrin of Tully and Ellis. CumTard sniffs 3 anonymous dicks and tries to place their race…and he is correct. He squeals a couple of times and gets scared about dick hitting his face, but he accurately identifies a white dick, a Spanish dick, and some sort of dip (because there was no third dick available). The dick’s belong to Joanna Angel’s boyfriend who I only know by his twitter handle @the_small_hands and Foxxy @Foxxy702. They hang out in the studio for a while and talk some shop, including confirming that if CumTard had to have sex with any of the dick contestants it would, indeed, be Foxxy. There is some accusations of CumTard being a raging homophobe thrown out by Ellis, but Foxxy comes to CumTard’s defense and says that she doesn’t believe that because they are buds. They talk about CumTard needing to get his style together a little bit more, and Ellis tells him that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are too big on him to try and hide his fat because that just makes him look fatter. They all agree that he should look into dressing like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons who would gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. Ellis asks Foxxy if she thinks that calling Trannies ‘Tranny’ is offensive, and she says that she doesn’t find it offensive, but she knows that some people do take it negatively, although she doesn’t understand why. They talk about Ellis going to the Tranny awards and Foxxy informs Ellis that the older guys who just wear a dress and lipstick and don’t go all out are considered more cross dressers or transvestites as opposed to being Trannies because it’s something they do for a special occasion and it isn’t the life that they live.

Back from the third break, Tully lets us all know that Friday is Chad Reed day!!! All listeners are invited to join in on the celebration by writing poems about good old Chad Reed. You can call in the show on Friday and try and get on air to read your poem, or you can write a poem to email to SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and have it read on the air for you. Make them good ones, guys!!!! It’s going to be a hell of a day!!! Then Will is in the studio for some sort of reason and sees CumTard half in his unitard and says how he was trying to avoid seeing him in the whole unitard because, I’m sure, he has seen enough frightening things in his lifetime. But, Tully shows him the pic of CumTard unitarding around with the book and Will asks that he ‘take it away’.

And then my Sirius App died. I feel like I really can’t be that mad at it, because it did a hell of a lot better this week than it did last week (thank goodness). I sent a tweet out to the tweeterverse asking what happened in approx. the last 20 minutes of the show and I was told by the one, the only AZ_RedDragon “Ummmm, after I was rockin my balls off to Danzig, they did some shit, it was funny, then final calls, not so funny #MyAppDiedToo”. So…there you go :)

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s not Christmas, it’s The Jason Ellis Show

The hunt is better than the kill

Will Pendarvis is really just an incarnation of Joe Cocker

There are so many reasons not to do meth

A Normal person knows what they want and are able to get it without sabotaging themselves and hurting other people, according to Tully

If you find your son wearing a dress and masturbating to his own reflection, you might want to keep an eye on his Facebook page

Buffalo Bill shit is abducting fat chicks, starving them until they’re skinny, and making clothes out of their skin- for the record

The second you (a guy) pinpoints the ‘hot guy’, you’re probably gay

No gay man wants to have sex with a guy in an Affliction shirt

Ellis and Tully are ahead of their time

Cary Hart and Chad Reed both had back surgery today

Children are savages

Look out for Booze and Douching- the new song from HateBean

Tully got to use real shampoo this morning but only has a banana for a snack

The media is distracting you with Shia LeBouf and Obamacare because they don’t want the truth to get out about Surf Rage

Farts say more words than Dolphins

CumTard thinks he has the body of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He doesn’t. He has the body of Master Splinter.

There should be more Trannies at the Golden Globes, because then the Golden Globes would be interesting.

Tweet your Awesome Guide To Life pics to Ellis @Ellismate he will be picking a pic of the week every week and the person who took that pic is gonna get hooked up

Go buy Awesome Guide to Life if you haven’t done it already! It’s amazing! I finished it yesterday and you’ll be hearing my thoughts on it soon!!!!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 2/18/14

Posted on February 18, 2014 by shit_toboggan

If there’s one sound I hate, it’s the sound of people with no appointment who didn’t call to ask ahead if we’ve got time coming in the front door at my work, interrupting a conversation I’m already having with another customer, talking like they’re a regular ass customer even though we’ve never worked on their shit before, acting like I need to drop fucking everything to fix whatever the fuck they got going on, not letting me get a word in edgewise, telling me all the shit they’ve never had a problem with, not getting to the fucking point when I ask them what their car is doing and not having the decency to tell me your fucking name cause I’m supposed to just magically know who the fuck you think you are. That sound makes me want to torque a kitten’s head clean off, just to prove the point that you need to get your attitude under control before you start making my day that much more difficult for no legitimate fucking reason. I refer you to the Screeching Weasel song “Beginningless Vacation” to properly express my sentiments on this kind of behavior. Luckily, that shit came and went and now I can focus on things that actually brighten my day, like The Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show started, very appropriately, with a little ditty by Elvis Costello about writing a book, and if you don’t get the joke it’s cause Ellis’ new book “The Awesome Guide to Life” came out today, so go get a copy of that shit, if all else fails you can use it as a door stop so the kids don’t bust in while you’re slamming your way through thousands of incredibly morally loose women!!! And then he played The Beatles’ “Paperback Writer”!!! IT JUST DOESN’T GET ANY PUNNIER THAN THAT, DAD!!! IT REALLY FUCKING DOESN’T!!! GOD DAMMIT DAD HOW ABOUT YOU WATCH SOMETHING BRITISH AND TRY TO HONE THAT WIT JUST A FUCKING TOUCH, YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Then Ellis started talking about how our Presidents are all murderers and every last one except Jimmy Carter should be tried and hung, and maybe Jimmy Carter too, just not for murder. There was some more talk about the book and how last time Jason signed a bunch of books husband/wife writer team stopped by the publishing warehouse and got kicked in the teeth by the fact that a dyslexic Australian skateboarder is signing 1000 books and people actually want them. Jason’s gonna be taking his medicine show on the road doing interviews and stuff and pissing off more Texan bloggers who don’t know how to take a joke and make assumptions about what other people really think. Tully and Jason talked a while about the book and what’s in it, but without too much detail so there were no spoilers for all of us that haven’t read it yet. There was more marketing and interview chatter which was very hard for me to pay attention to because there were loud noises and customers in my shop and I was pounding out a bacon cheeseburger like a donkey fucking a watermelon. But it sounds like it’s off to a good start. Jason is gonna be on Adam Carolla’s podcast and Loveline to promote the hell out of it. Andrea recently started going back to school and it was supposed to make for more time for Jason to spend with the kids, but the timing of it is so terrible that he’s actually gonna be seeing them way less, but it’s gonna work out in it’s own way. Luckily, this shit is only gonna be a one week festival of self-help humor bullshit, so the wing is gonna be at his nest with no concerns really soon. Luckily, Dr. Drew has a really trustworthy boner, so if Katie needs to babysit and he shows up, it’s a no harm no foul situation. Jude stopped by to talk parenting and fucking the babysitter, and I was cracked out on the Foreally show all weekend, so this is a very welcome addition to the show for me. Jude is confident that his daughter is gonna be a square, straight laced kid, almost the complete polar opposite of him, and he’s actually as happy about that as a parent could be. They got into some of the deeper effects of how the personalities may be different, but the character flaws are all gonna be the same when it comes to the guys their daughter is gonna date. Jude is even gonna bring it to the level of how your dad farts and how your daughter is gonna gravitate to that familiar stank and rhythm. Tully has found that part of this is true because his sister and his mom are like twins separated at birth even though they’re a generation apart from each other. It really goes to show you that so many people really do grow up to be and/or fuck their parents. The guys talked books and stuff again, cause Jude dropped his book Hyena a little while ago. Then Jude gave a shout out to the official vagina of NoYouAre, the one and only Jenni Mazowiesky, cause she stopped by his show to hang out the other day and it was a great time for everybody. This got the discussion turned to how you make a logo to market yourself with, like Jason with the Wolfknives and all the RDS stuff he endorses. Jude has also been working out with ropes and kettlebells and shit and it’s been working great for him, so it’s great to know he’s got the cardio to handle all that ketamine. Ha also let Jason know that he still uses cashmere socks to jerk off with, when a silk scarf is unavailable. Using his drawls use to be the standard move, but Jude’s cum is too acidic for a simple pair of tightey-whitey’s to handle. Basically, everything in Jude’s house is covered in jizz at any given time, so if you’re there for a visit, y’know, BYOB or whatever you need to do. A doctor called in to chime in on the whole cumming-in-socks habit, and basically everyone has fungal spores on their feet and socks, so unless they’re oven sterilized, you shouldn’t be jerking into socks or cleaning your dick off with a pair of them. Then Jude propositioned him for a hook-up on some painkillers and the dude maybe knew a dude and they traded pager numbers to handle some shit later. A guy called in to share his experience with athlete’s wang cause back in high school he banged out the campus harlot and hadn’t yet learned about the wonders of tough actin’ Tinactin. Jude only switched to socks cause condoms smell funny and he used to have something known as a fuck egg, which is not as mysterious as you think, it’s pretty much a stretchy latex egg that you beat your dick to pieces inside of. The guys read some of the reviews and Jude found out there were a lot more variations to these eggs than he was aware of before, so maybe it’s time to take a second run with them. Jason went to the tranny awards over the weekend and (SHOCKING) there was a whole fuckload of tranny porn stars and such hanging around and getting awards for things and it sounds like everybody had a great time. Ellis was seated at a table with Jenna Jameson, who has continued her recent run of fucking whacknoodles insanity that all the tabloids are talking about, like talking mad shit on Tito and getting topless on her website so that her webmaster will give her a new password. There was some talk about all the different styles of trannies and how Jude didn’t even realize that Foxxy had a dick when he met her at EllisMania 8 and was eyeballing that shit all night. Just as Jude was leaving, a delivery of flowers came in for Jason and Tully from Betsy, the only fan who is organized and can get things done when Ellis doesn’t really ask for/need it. Of course, aside from all the gender bending adventures that Jason had, there was also a UFC this weekend, and after Metallica cranks it up to eleven on your massive clit penis, we’ll get to talking about it.

Our old friend Kenda Perez called in, with special guest GPS voice, to discuss the fights that went down over the weekend. Also, Dominic Cruz was on conference call with them, so that added to the festivities. Jason and Dominic have a bet going that if Jason can land a punch on the Dominator, then Cruz is gonna have to get Jason’s name tattooed on his ass by some monster energy promo girl, and vice versa if Jason can’t do it. After getting that out of the way, there was a bunch of talk about MMA and fight techniques and what white people didn’t get punched in the face that should have and I didn’t watch any of it cause I camped in front of my Playstation with the Foreally show on blast for two and a half days straight, so I have no opinion, but it sounds like the only thing the UFC was missing this weekend is white people getting punched in the face. But luckily, we all know that Kenda slept in nothing but an EllisMate T-shirt and has been pretty much living in her new Red Dragons hoodie, so if you know all the designs it really easy to imagine that draped over her willing, powerless body, just waiting for you to snap one off across her grille like a creepy BDSM good morning victimization kind of thing. There was supercross this weekend too, and Chad Reed participated, so it’s good to see his injuries from the last one haven’t slowed him down too much, but it was a tough one for him, so he may be rethinking finishing out the season or taking a few races off to recuperate. The guys took some phone calls and people chimed in to say that the books are getting delivered on time, unlike the debut Death!Death!Die! album.There’s a video floating around the internet of Ken Block rolling his rally car right at the most crucial part of the season, costing him a season championship. Basically, after pounding out a few wins, there was a fucked up high spot in the road under some weeds that they wouldn’t have been able to see and it flipped his car ass over tea kettle, almost taking his spotter’s arm off and generally turning one 650HP Ford Fiesta into a one-ton heap of scrap metal. It sounds like more of a failure on the part of the track inspectors who forgot to mention where the road narrowed and this god damn car flipping hump in the dirt was. And as a true testament of how little Ken gives a fuck, once the car landed right side up again, he actually tried to restart the engine and take off, not realizing that a lot of the most important parts were strewn across the countryside, including the wheels, which are usually quite important when trying to win a race or make an object move across a generally flat surface. Wilson got called in to explain why the hell he insists on adding music to the logs for Jason to use based on completely arbitrary circumstances and very inconsequential tidbits of information from recent things Jason has been doing. Basically, Pendarvis is a cunt hair away from finding a great reason, that doesn’t really exist, to slip some Dave Matthews band in after a segment about someone wrecking a car or having sex with a mule.

Thursday is gonna be jam packed for the wing, he’s gonna be doing a Q&A on Reddit, and the radio show, and Loveline and a whole gang of shit too. But that’s nothing compared to Tully who’s gonna have a wife who’s doing a no sugar or wheat or processed or fun or tasty or nutritional or fulfilling diet and it’s almost like having a chick with rampant PMS, only that she could have a particularly bad round of PMS during her self induced PMS, so it’s almost like when you punch a bull and don’t run away fast enough. The guys talked a while about all the frontier medicine and ten dollar per ounce bullshit organic products that are simply nothing but someone’s inflated opinion about people who like science, capitalizing on the well paid and poorly informed masses who think that riding a fixie bike at 12 MPH in the far left lane of a three lane expressway is gonna save the environment, not considering that every car that’s backing up behind them is polluting three times as much and burning way more gas at low RPM in first gear waiting for this lycra clad post-revolutionary to get the fuck off the road and get behind the counter at Kinko’s where he fucking belongs. But enough about all that, cause Dana White is on the phone to talk some more UFC with the boys. Considering that he’s the president of that organization, he seems to know quite a bit about all the fighters and events, so it was refreshing to hear a well informed voice speaking about the subject. Recently, Dana pulled down a barrista who was in the process of being fired from working the drive-thru window when Dana called to let him know he’s got bigger and better things to work for and that he should tell his boss that venti doesn’t even mean twenty in Italian and that Starbucks can gargle some load with their fucking disgusting diarrhea water coffee, and that everyone behind the counter should probably listen to the MMA fighter who could snap all of them in half when he’s saying he’s got a really good reason to need to take a phone call at work. After Dana excused himself to go continue mobbing up more fighters for his semi-legal but wholly entertaining organization, Jason asked the fans to make sure that every tweet for the next day or so could include #TheAwesomeGuideToLife or #AwesomeGuideToLife or whatever the fuck they settled on for the hashtag. But failing that haswhtag trending all over the world, Jason asked a bunch of friends like Tony Hawk and Rob Dyrdek to give a shout when they can, but didn’t ask Carey Hart cause he’s getting back surgery and it would be a little tasteless to go asking for favors from somebody’s possible deathbed. But not nearly as bad as the interpreters at the UFC, that shit is like trying to make a four year old read Siddhartha in front of a room full of Nobel Lauriates. The guys kicked around more MMA talk for a while and stuff, and that was probably great for all the folks with opinions on it. So, last week Jetta declared that 90% of the fans are idiots, and while that may be sort of true, so the guys called him into the studio to remind him that it’s not that god damn difficult to make sure the talent has water to drink while they’re talking for four hours. He also can’t keep a microphone next to his face properly when trying to respond to the many accusations that he’s now left himself open to by ostracizing the fans. Ellis and Tully cooked up a game for Jetta to play so that he can back up his claims about the caller’s intelligence and see if he’s really that fucking smart and special. First question, who was the fourth President of the USA? Jetta’s answer was compared to three callers who answered that it was either Grover Cleveland, John Quincy Adams or Jeff, uh fucking, David, and Jetta’s answer was Andrew Jackson, and nobody was correct but doesn’t single out Jetta as being superior to anybody just yet. Next question was how many cups are in a gallon? And for a guy who deals in quarts and pints and gallons all day the way I do, it was a simple mathematical equation for me, but the callers said it was either 32, 16 or 24, and Jetta answered 16, proving that one out of three callers and Jetta were correct. Next question, who won last year’s Stanley Cup? The callers estimated it was either The Bruins, the L.A. Kings or someone else that I didn’t hear, and Jetta answered the Detroit Red Wings, and none of them were correct, especially since the L.A. Kings are a basketball team but Ellis let that one slide cause it was a really cute sounding lady that gave that answer. It was the Chicago Blackhawks, in case you’re wondering, and since I’m planning to move to Canada I should probably start taking in some of this kind of info on the off chance it can prevent me from getting deported back to Oakland or some backward ass farming community in Europe somewhere that my ancestors are from. NEXT QUESTION!!! What war was the backdrop for the TV show M.A.S.H.? The callers suggested Vietnam, Vietnam, and Vietnam, and Jetta answered Vietnam as well, but if you ever actually paid some god damned attention while you were watching that show, you would know that it was KOREA!!! And as an interesting sidenote, the Korean war only lasted about 2 and a half years, but the show M.A.S.H. lasted for almost eleven, just goes to show you that Hollywood will keep whipping the carcass as long as the ratings are good. Next question, how much does Jason’s penis weigh? The callers guessed that it was either 6 pounds soft, 3.7 pounds, or 100 pounds and Jetta answered one ounce, and even though 6 pounds was correct, Jason decided to mail a book to the guy who said 100 pounds cause it is nice to have one’s ego stroked from time to time. The next question for Jetta and the fans was what is the second amendment to the US constitution? The callers said it was either the right to bear arms, the right to bear arms, or the right to bear arms, and Jetta was correct in writing down the same answer as all those three dudes. Next muthafuckin’ question, party people, NAME THE CAPITOL OF EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH DAKOTA!!! The answers given by the callers were Dakota, Bear-fox, and Pierre and Jetta was so shook by the question that he didn’t even bother to answer, making the one guy who answered Pierre correct on this particular occasion. Next dose of party trivia, who is the rime Minister of Canada? The callers answered that it was either Sasquatch, Santa Claus or Steven Harper, all of which trumped Jetta’s answer of Rob Ford, the crack smoking obese alcoholic mayor of Toronto (who I fully intend to party with if it guarantees me a Canadian green card, plus I just want to see a ridiculously fat guy spun out of his balls in a perfectly friendly setting, cause I never got to meet Chris Farley and hat was probably a great show to be around). Jetta, proving his tardedness once again, was trumped by the answer of Steven Harper, whose name I’m almost guaranteed to forget even though I might need to know it when I move to Canada, unless that whole Rob Ford citizenship-for-yayo arrangement works out for me. Next question, who is the current points leader in supercross? The callers suggested it was either Ryan Villapoto, Jason Ellis, or what’s that again? Jetta answered Villapoto, but unfortunately nobody was correct because the real leader for this season was never revealed but I’m sure people who are paying attenton know who it is and that’s what’s really important. Next question, what are the colors of the Australian flag? Callers surmised that they were either “I hope I know by the time they put me on the air”, red white and blue, or red white and blue, and Jetta answered blue and white which earned him a spin of the wheel of doom. Jetta bowed out to the fact that maybe his original estimate of 90% may have been a bit high on the caller-to-idiot ratio. That will not protect him from emotional abuse at the hands of his employers and customers though, and rightly so, cause it doesn’t pay to be a twat. To be fair though, the intern Hardcore doesn’t know what the Australian flag looks like either and has no interest in traveling the world, so at least he’s got a good excuse. After busting Jetta’s balls a little while longer, Jetta apologized to the audience and the guys let him go back to the phones to continue being abused by the clientele. As an olive branch to the EllisFam, Jetta volunteered to give a foot massage to the grodiest set of feet that can get an afternoon off work to come down to the studio and transmit some athlete’s wang to Jetta’s hands.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME FUCKERS!!! The race for worst song of 2014 is in full swing as Billy Ray Cyrus has re-recorded “Achey-Breakey hearty” this time with guest vocals from someone claiming to be Dionne Warwick’s son and a backbeat that is just unacceptable and quite frankly if you need any more proof that country is dead, you should probably be fucking executed yourself cause you’re fucking up the gene pool. Same with white girls that have no ass who feel the need to twerk and decided to do so on the new Billy Ray Cyrus video! Also, Sharknado 2 is in the process of being filmed, and one of the stars is friend of the show Mark McGrath. Also, Jason almost got blackballed into talking about George Zimmerman on Dr. Drew On Call, but the producers there were reasonable enough to understand his view on it and let him sit that segment out. Long story short, it wouldn’t hurt the media’s bottom line to have some god damn dignity and quality control with the content they put out. Somebody called in to suggest that Jason should try out for Sharknado 2 and although it would be great publicity for the Awesome Guide to Life, there’s really no legitimate reason that should happen. The Sharknado franchise has jumped the Sharknado, in my personal opinion. Axl Rose’s ex wife recently had a photo shoot with her two sons and some of the images really make it look like the mom is in a love triangle with her two sons. And in case it wasn’t shockingly obvious, Ellen Page is a taco bumper, and not just cause it’s trendy, she’s team V all the way. Barbara Walters is 84 years old and shrinking fast. She also told her “The View” co-hosts about her vibrator which is making yesterday’s lunch rise back up in my throat, so let’s move on. And Shia LeBouf is making a terrible attempt at retiring from public life cause Hardcore the intern did a little recon on him and found an art exhibit with himself as the subject, where he will sit across from you at a table with a paper bag over his head and you can do whatever you want to his semi-conscious body as he just sits there and cries. Hardcore got an Instagram video of his experience at this exhibit. He even got to watch the Bouf eat a Hershey’s kiss under a paper bag. So, pretty much safe to say that LeBouf is pretty much the next Corey Feldman and/or Haim. The guys turned to the phones to finish out the show and it was a lot less ridiculous than normal, so that’s good. If you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy of the Awesome Guide to Life yet, you should swing by Barnes and Noble and get a dog up ya. Some guy called in to ask Jason his queef experience and we’ve all seen the Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat, so we know exactly what a queef is and it really doesn’t require that much conversation. Tully found a news story about a snake handler priest who was recently killed after suffering several poisonous snake bites, because not getting bitten doesn’t mean that god likes you, it means that you’ve gotten lucky and haven’t pissed off the snake in a good long time. There were some more phone calls and stuff, and that was all fine and dandy and shit. The guys had to cut it short though, cause Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio was live and somehow that was preventing Tony from helping promote Jason’s new book.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Category Archives: Overviews & Re-Caps

Show Re-Cap for Monday 2/24/2014

Show recap for Friday 2/21/2014

Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

Show Recap for Wednesday 2/19/2014

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 2/18/14