Category Archives: Overviews & Re-Caps

Overviews & re-caps of broadcasts from The Jason Ellis Show.

Show Recap for Thursday 6/19/2014

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Guys…i seriously leveled up in my bee-killing skills today. I mean..it’s kind of ridiculous. I’m the Bane of all Bees. I have never felt like such a skilled killer in my life (which is probably a good thing, all things considered). But yeah…I kept those bees away from the Hubbs. Who is allergic to them, not a pussy who is scared of bees. Honestly, I don’t know what he did before i became his helper. A lot of running, presumably. Jobs certainly took a lot longer to get done. The reason I bring this up is because work was pretty busy today, so I didn’t get to take as many notes as I normally would have, so forgive me if this isn’t quite as detailed as it usually is. I mean…I have a really great memory (some would call it scary…actually…most people call it scary- both to my face and behind my back) but there was a segment in the show that was so side splittingly hilarious, that aside from causing me near death by simultaneous suffocation and car crash and causing me to nearly wet myself as I cried…it made me forget fucking everything. A lot of it has come back as I backtracked, so I’m not copping out THAT hard, but yeah…it was that funny. Are you excited? You should be. You should also be slightly sad that you missed such a fucking hilarious segment. Good thing there’s this wonderful site where there are wonderful people so devoted to filling you in on all of the awesomeness that you might have missed. And, oh yeah, Boom.

So…getting into it…it’s sunny in LA and it sucks for you if where you are it’s not sunny and it’s raining where you are, then boo for you. But actually, if you’re listening where you are, then you probably aren’t running around out in the rain getting rained on and that’s good. Or maybe…maybe it’s bad. Running around outside in the rain is a pretty wonderful and liberating thing. Who doesn’t want to run around singing in the rain like Gene Kelly? Ellis would like to…Tully, being the Thespian that he is, has actually played Gene Kelly in a stage play in high school where his high school was rich enough to have it rain on him on stage while he sang ‘Singing in the Rain’ so…fuck you, Tully. Oh, and by the way, if you were listening to The Jason Ellis Show while outside in the rain a few hours ago, you should have somehow known to send Ellis a picture of yourself standing in the rain listening to the show. What was I doing? I was standing in the rain killing bees with ninja like reflexes listening to The Jason Ellis Show. I curse my absence of a third appendage which would have enabled me to selfie while all of that was going on. Sigh. Anyway.

They quickly switch from singing and dancing in the rain that only exists in their minds to talking about Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die and The Jason Ellis Show hitting the road and doing a radio and band tour of Canada because Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die seriously rocks and are like, kind of like a real band and stuff, and maybe they should get serious about rocking if they so seriously rock. Yeah. I write sentences like that on purpose because I kind of love/hate all of you. Just kidding. I love you. And I love those kinds of sentences that fall back and forth all over each other and make you have to pay attention to really get. They are like little word orgasms to me. I know. I’m weird. But there are people out there in the music world talking about how awesome Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die is and asking about Labels and all that rot, and yeah, Ellis and Tully need to get serious about the rocking that they already do and make some shit happen with the band and the show. Around this time Christian presumably is lurking in the hallway or the green room or somewhere kind of visible to Ellis, who calls him in to chat, because, THE BAND, MAN.

No. No, no, no. I take it back. This is not when Christian Hand The Band, Man, comes into the picture. Forget I said anything about it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t backspace and delete him from this wordly existence, because that is so completely beside the point. I cued him too early, Christian is still in the wings, for all intents and purposes, you don’t yet know that Christian is even in the building, he’s still waiting for his first appearance of the day. Because, Horse Force. Duh. And fuck you caller who says that Zebras aren’t Horses. Obviously you aren’t really gelling with the whole Force of Horses. Get lost. Call back and apologize when you can wrap your mind around everything that is Horse Force. Tully brings up, and then regrets bringing up, that he was googling around the internets last night and sadly found that HorceForce.com is totally already a thing, but was surprised to discover that HorceForce.gov was still up for grabs. And he and Ellis agree that the .gov is way cooler, because that’s all like, exclusive and shit. It gives Horse Force some serious street cred before people even know that Horse Force doesn’t even need street cred because the Force of the Horse is that bad ass, because…government. That’s legit. Or, really not all that legit, depending on which side of the conspiracy you come down on. Ellis tells the boys in the green room to hop on that HorseForce.gov shit right away, but they can’t do it, so Tully goes out and the Goobers come in. They banter back and forth for a while and there is some dead air, but it is talked about how Hot Dog looks a little healthier today, which might be because he didn’t smoke a lot of weed today and didn’t drink last night. Points come against him though for his Run DMC shirt (which he, himself doesn’t feel like he should be wearing, but he had no other clean clothes) and makes him look fat. That’s what I love about Ellis. He’s gonna tell you what he thinks. Hot Dog is also totally down to tour with The Jason Ellis Show and the band and walk around stage in some ridiculous outfit and contribute to the stage presence, cause that’s just the kind of guy that he is. CumTard and Jetta are also down to do some touring, which is great, because what is TJES these days without these guys behind the scenes, or in the scene that some of us can’t see anyway, getting tortured and doing some form of work? Tully is able to get a hold of HorseForce.org and Will chimes in to say that he grabbed HorseForce.TV as well, and throughout this whole time Ellis is taking lots of phone calls, because he feels like he hasn’t been taking that many phone calls lately.

Now, now is when we can remember that Mr. Christian James Hand, does indeed exist, because Ellis calls him in to talk about band stuff. They talk about band stuff and about Ellismania stuffs (just that he wants it to be bigger and better and maybe twice a year, nothing about exactly when and where it’s happening this year), and they come around to talking about the Village People and which ones were gay and which ones were straight, and oh my God, some of them were straight? To be honest, I didn’t even know that some of them were gay, and I didn’t even realize that there was a biker involved at all…though I might be the only one. It turns out that in the original group, the Cop and the Biker guy were the straight ones, but they probably had to suck a dick at least once to be allowed in. There was some mention by Christian about Rosebudding which I actually had Hubbs grab my notebook and write that word down (at this point I was driving) because although it is rather disturbing, I felt like it was too…odd to be ignored. Rosebudding is a thing, apparently, that involves a girl taking her anus out of her physical fleshy butthole and another girl putting it in her mouth. Yeah…that’s what I said. I mean…I’ve had so much sex that I’ve blown my box out before (which is super uncomfortable and Hubbs felt really bad about but kind of proud of at the same time) and I really can’t imagine the sensation of being a girl with a blown out ass that is being mouth fondled by another girl. I mean…I’m all for butt-play…but I’m not checking the box on this one, some things are a little too extreme, even for me.

**THIS PARAGRAPH IS ENTIRELY SKIPPABLE IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT E-CIGS***

And, just a side note, there was a caller who wanted to call and talk about how bad e-cigs are for you and blahblahblahblahblah and, fuck you, guy. FUCK YOU. I know exactly which articles that you have read that are making you think that, and those articles are gigantic piles of bullshit strung together with half truths and ‘surface facts’ (read- bullshit that has since been disproven) and fuck you for trying to poison Will away from e-cigs and back to cigarettes. Are you being paid by CumTard? Are you his corner guy? Did you bet your girl that she could fuck another dude if Will won the fight and are having second thoughts about it? Why do I care?  Because Me, Hubbs, and Mumma R all use E-cig vaporizers that helped us quit smoking e-cigarettes and both Hubbs and I researched the shit out of them. The ‘bad’ ingredient in them that everyone keeps bringing up is propelyne glycol, which is an additive in fucking everything from medicine to food that WE ALL EAT, and yeah, it’s a suspension fluid that is in Anti-Freeze…that makes Anti-Freeze less toxic if you accidentally ingest it. Yes, at one point glycerol was found in one brand of E-cigs from china, which they traced back to a single CONTAMINATED batch that was recalled, and was found in trace amounts. How small of an amount is a trace amount? You would have had to have gone through 750,000 e-cig cartridges in a single day to attain a toxic level. So fuck you. Quitting smoking is not easy. E-cigs have been a fucking godsend to my family. And yes, Tully, they aren’t just non-tobacco…nearly every brand that produces E-liquids for use in vaporizers makes flavors with zero nicotine in them, it’s just flavoring and either the propelyne glycol and vegetable glycerin because the habit of smoking is just as addictive as all those fucking chemicals for the orally fixated, like me. *****END PSA*****

Back from the first break, Tully lets us know that next Friday, one week from tomorrow, the show will be Live from Racers Edge Go-Kart racing track place!!! Woo-hoo. They still aren’t sure if it’s going to be an open to the public G-rated kind of show, or if it’s going to be a full TJES and Ellisfam event where anything goes, but, they will be there and you know it will be fun. Tully then plays a ‘mysterious sound’ which is actually a recording of a sound that is making people go insane. Apparently there is a Hum that can be heard in different parts of the world by a percentage of the population in those areas that once they hear, they can’t unhear, and it makes them lose their minds. It kind of sounds like a diesel engine in the distance rumbling away, and people lose their shit because of it. Ellis calls bullshit on it for a while, and there is talk of government conspiracies and cloud seeding and weather control, but, I think, in the end Ellis understands that it’s not a sound that happens in people’s heads, it’s a real, actual recordable sound that no one has yet been able to explain the source of, or understand why only some people can hear it, and why the people who are being driven insane by it, don’t just fucking move to a place where there is no report of the sound being heard by anyone. I mean…I know that up and moving to another town isn’t the simplest of tasks, but if it’s to keep hold on the last vestiges of sanity that you possess? Hashtag worth it.

Ellis wonders when they can start that really funny segment that I alluded to earlier and the answer is when Katie gets there, but she isn’t there yet, so they can either play the Etsy Game or have CumTard give a shock collar review of 22 Jump Street. They throw it to the listeners to give a call in and vote, and in the meantime Ellis and Tully start talking about Santa for a reason that I just can not remember. But Tully asks Ellis at some point where he thinks Santa came from and whether Santa and Mrs. Claus were ever real people. Oh, and now I remember that this whole Santa conversation began in the realm of bodily functions because Ellis says that Santa poops Cinnamon. Oh god oh god…it started because Tully brought up a picture he posted to Instagram of a doll sold in some (Asian) foreign country (there are a lot of them, give me a break) that is shavable and has hair in places that no human should have that amount of hair. This leads to buttholes with that much hair, and then white butthole hair in that quantity, and Santa. Ellis thinks that Santa and Mrs. Claus used to be real people who lived a superverylong time ago and loved each other and were goodgood people who did good things and when they died at a very very old age in their sleep, at the same time, they got put back into their bodies by magic and turned into Santa and Mrs. Claus and were given a legion of immortal elves to help them do their Christmas stuff. I thought it was a lovely story, so did Tully, but Hubbs was meh on the whole thing because he is The Grinch. It’s why I love him so much, he’s my favorite color. They never get around to taking phone calls for what to do while they are waiting to do the funny segment with Katie when she gets there…and they go to a break.

Back from the break, Katie is in the studio and it is Half Time so feel your boobies! Why should you feel your boobies? Because if you feel a lump, you have to go to the doctor and get that shit taken care of. Katie has a scar on one of her boobs from where she had a lump removed when she was 14, which was not cancerous, but still…see!!! Check your boobs! She also has another scar on that same boob from when she needed to have a chest tube put in when her lung collapsed. So yeah, not only are Katie’s boobs awesome (I have never seen them, personally, but I assume they are awesome because she is and they are a part of her) but they have awesome battle scars!! And now it is time for the super funny segment. Here is the setup. Jetta discovered a phone app called Speech Jammer that works by echoing the noise in the room around you, including your own voice, back through the headphones, which seriously fucks with your thought process when you are trying to speak. Jetta, Hot Dog, CumTard, Will, and Tully are all going to take turns with the headphones and app on and try and hit on Katie. Ellis tries it out first, and it doesn’t bother him, presumably because he doesn’t listen to anything when he’s speaking. It was pretty flawless and impressive, although I did think that it all came out a bit quick as though he were really focusing on just keeping talking so that he wouldn’t get distracted by his own voice. But that’s it, just spoke a bit quick. Hot Dog was also able to talk completely normal and was told to get out of the studio. Will. Oh, Wilson. Wilson, Jetta, and CumTard…they were the absolute worse. I honestly cannot adequately describe what they sounded like talking without being offensive. It was like they were really drunk, really high, really tired, and hallucinating while talking through cotton balls and marbles right after being injected by Novocain by the dentist. Yeah. It totally threw off their cadence, their actual ability to form words…everything. Words got smushed together, words got left out, it was fucking amazing. I wish Hubbs had composure enough to film me trying to listen to this and drive at the same time in rush hour traffic in New York. It’s kind of a miracle we survived the drive to the next job. I was doubled over, unable to breathe from laughing so hard, some ridiculous noise issuing from my mouth that is a laugh I have never heard myself make before, one hand on my chest trying to make sure I was still in fact breathing, squeezing my thighs together trying to not piss myself, WHILE DRIVING. It was fucking amazing. Like, the most amazing amazing. I was dying. Hubbs was dying. It’s amazing we didn’t actually die. I loved it. You, you reading this, need to go to SiriusXM on Demand and fucking listen to it, and the ensuing segment where Jetta and CumTard act out a scene between two Gay guys propositioning each other where Will decides to also throw his hat in the ring. Oh. My. God. Ellis posted a video of it to Instagram and there is the fucking link if you want a 15 second preview. Ohmygod. Radio Magic History Amazingness.

Back from the 3rd break Tully informs us what we all knew, that everyone loved that bit with the Speech Jammer App. And that’s what the app is called. Speech Jammer. Go. Record yourself being a moron on purpose. He also decides to start a conversation with Ellis about how old is the oldest woman he’s ever been attracted to and it evolves into a quick conversation of why older men are deemed more attractive than older women, and it’s probably biological. Why is Tully asking this? Because there’s video going around the internet of a man in his 30’s who is all about banging really old bitches. Like…grandma and great grandma bitches. And God…my google history is a scary place in my search to get links for these things. Ugh. This guy Kyle has always been in to old ladies, has 6 girlfriends over the age of 65 and is 31. One of his girlfriends is 91. Why do I think that this guy is either a psychopath or was abused by a grandmother when he was really little and has severe issues? Am I being a dick? Probably, a little. But…he’s gonna wind up killing these bitches. I mean, seriously, their hearts weren’t meant to have so much sex with such a virile young guy? Why do you think he isn’t in a relationship with just one? Because just one of these old ladies would never be able to keep up with fucking a fucking 30 year old. Ever. But it does make Ellis think that he should start a service called Ellis’ Angels where he hooks up young horny guys with old ladies who want to get boned, because then everyone is a winner, and everyone is having sex, and the world is a better place because of it. And yeah…I’m one of those people who believe that my parents had sex exactly 3 times to conceive each one of us children, and really, it might only be twice because I may be a product of immaculate conception (how else could all of this funny, talented, gorgeousness be explained?). Yeah, I want to fuck myself to the grave, with Hubbs, not actually fucking myself…but that’s different because it’s me, I make the rules, and I’m fucking beautiful and am looking into becoming a vampire so I can be beautiful forever and I don’t have to make sense…because I’m beautiful.

The last segment that I heard before my app got fucked (of course) was a bit called Celebrity Street Fight where Tully, Ellis, and Katie discussed who out of groups of two would win in a street fight. It was funny and I was sad when my app gave me the ‘fuck you’ of doom because I was enjoying it as we drove home (finally! What a long fucking day!). Some of the pairings were Robert Downy Jr and Mr. T, where Mr. T would win because Iron Man is too pretty and Mr. T weighs 500lbs and it’s all heart, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci where Al Pacino would win because, well, do you know who Jo Pesci is? Jason Mamoa and The Rock, where the fight would be so brutal but Mamoa would probably win because, if anything, being a pro-wrestler for a part of his career would work against The Rock because he would instinctively pull his punches and Mamoa throws axes around all day. Justin Timberlake would kick the shit out of Justin Bieber, and so would James Franco, and Jim Carey and basically anyone except for Andy Dick because, Justin Bieber for fuck’s sake. Brad Pitt would knock out Clooney, Statham would destroy Jackman (but, oh my god, sexy!), and my Sirius popped back in for a second during the debate of Ice Cube versus Jay-Z where originally the bets were on Jay-Z, but a caller named Jason was a former bodyguard of Jay-Z’s and turned the tide, and the wave broke when Katie brought up the whole Solange elevator thing, and Ice Cube was declared the winner of that. Like I said, this is where I lost it, unfortunately, but I can’t be all that sad, because of that segment that was so hilarious it was hazardous to my health as well as the health of those driving in traffic around me.

Things we learned on TJES today:

CumTard wants to be Knighted

Jetta+CumTard+Hot Dog= 1/2 Tully

Horse Hoodies on 5yo little girls is pretty next level, and the future of hoodies

Katie is not the Yoko of Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die

Katie has peed in a hot tub in the back of some rockstar dude’s limousine

Ellis wasn’t bothered when a woman took him and his friend away for the weekend and paid for everything

Will’s in charge of lollipops and finances

Ellis wants to make West Coast Candies with real liquor inside and keep the party going all day long

Tully can see older women being more attractive because they’re more confident

Katie is awesome

 

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 6/18/2014

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Hey assholes, glad you got sad and lonely enough to bring yourself before us, yet again to read about the show we probably all listened too just a few short hours ago. HOLY SHIT! You remember when Ellis told us about the car wreck he was in today? Ok, so this is easier if I pretend you listened to nothing. Ellis was in a car wreck today. Nothing major, but some asshole stopped short on him and he bumped him or something and fucked up the Porsche. THE PORSCHE. Anyway, it was determined it was the other dude’s fault, but you know insurance companies, they will ram that deductible dick directly into your dumb ass. Speaking of sentences with too many D’s in it: Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show the other day and they played some clips from it where Ellis licked Anahita Sedaminophen’s box. Not her vagina box, her Brady Bunch/Hollywood Squares box that they put all the talking heads into. She’s gonna be going to Go Karts next Friday too so that should be cool. Ellis had a couple one liners on the show that garnered some positive reviews from people who watch that show. I didn’t watch it because I never remember to DVR it, but you should remember to watch it because he is going to be on there every Tuesday and Thursday as a replacement for that one red head chick. She sucked.

 

Anyways, Jason and Katie are going camping this weekend to scout out spots that don’t suck so they can bring the kids and not having to worry about the spot being full of suck. Tully  went to Trampoline World with the kid. He showed his kid how to bounce off the walls and dunk on a 10 foot rim, but little Linsanity couldn’t have given less of a fuck about his Dad’s assisted prowess. Asshole. Katie is becoming a better kickboxer these days, and Ellis is into it. But he tried to film her yesterday and she jumped his shit because he was distracting her from her work. Which means he may have created a monster. Which may be a bad idea when you think about how she is the kind of chick who incorporates pain into sex, and you are teaching her how to throw kicks and punches professionally. Or, you’re into it. I’m not a real man, do what the fuck you want. Speaking of chicks beating up dudes with boners, Kevin came in and they kind of recapped his torture on Monday at the hands of Skin. He’s got some war wounds and he admitted he was getting really pissed off at the repetitive pain in the same spot. Tully says he could see how if that were happening to him, his initial knee jerk reaction would be to deck her in the face. He wouldn’t do it of course, but ya know….He’d wanna smack a bitch. Kevin and Ellis disagreed, but I’m on board with that. I once broke a cupboard because I bashed my head on the sharp corner and the pain woke up the rage monster.

rage2-2-2

Kevin  broke up with his pornstar girlfriend. He says its because he couldn’t help but get hung up on the porn thing. They realized they were getting serious so that kind of freaked him out. He had to defend himself to Ellis a little bit because Ellis thinks him telling her that it’s because of porn was hurtful and that’s not right. Kevin was up front about his feelings and came right out and said it was his own insecurities and he feels like a dick and he still really likes her. I was leaning more to Kevin’s side at first, because I don’t think I could date a porn chick, but we are talking about a dude who had pot smoke blown up his butt and has had multiple things placed on his balls so he could guess what they are, so he doesn’t really have the moral high ground. Meh, whatever. Kevin seemed pretty bummed out so It feels weird to speculate on shit. Let’s talk about squirrels jacking off.

Squirrel

Squirrels jack off. A lot. And they have their very own special way of doing it by humping the fuck out of a tree. Horses masturbate by rubbing their gigantic horse dicks on the ground and by humping posts. You’ve got to be hard up as hell to hump a post. Horse owners need to get the things a pocket pussy or something. I hear your mom is in talks to have her cavernous twat molded for one that might fight. Oh? Dolphins fuck fish heads which is gangster as all fuck. Dolphins are fucking psychos. But probably most evil of all creatures, Penguins are known to gang rape women(penguins), babies (penguins) and dead bodies(doesn’t matter when they are dead, squishy is squishy).

In a retarded Voltron of news media, Dog/Pot/Cock News included a dog who bit the dick of his owner, and when the cops showed up to the scene, they found a massive hash oil operation which may or may not be legal.

Unsigned bands was pretty uneventful, aside from Ellismania MVP champion of the world, Butterballs sending in a band he hasn’t been in in a while. They sort of sounded like Zebrahead to me, which isn’t an insult from me at all. The overall winner though was a band called The Regulators which sounded like a much more polished Hatebean, singing songs about being “Down by the river”/”Man with a shadow” and if you know nothing about the show, you still know that songs are always better when they happen down by the river.

Tully read off a Cosmo article that basically told women they can stop shaving, burp fart and grow dicks and men won’t notice as long as they give them orgasms. Ellis is a bit of a fruit with some things, but he gave a good lashing to the spirit of which the article was meant. Ladies, if you stop giving a shit about leaving some mystery with your men, then whatever shred of humanity he has left hanging on will disappear. You don’t really want to have farting contests with your dude and then have him go down on you do you? Unless that’s your thing I guess. In which case, please leave me your number in the comments.

Will Pendarvis decided to interview the new exciting intern, Hot Dog, so that the listeners could get to know him a little better. Some of the more exciting points about this riveting young man:

  • He has caught a lot of stuff at concerts
  • Used to work at a Chicken Holocause manufacturer
  • Has a 2003 Camry
  • Almost fell through a sky light one time.
  • Went to Alaska once on a cruise.
  • Cooked Hot dogs at a stadium and was voted vendor of the month.

Listen, Pendarvis, maybe the next time you want to interview an intern, you need to leave it to the pros. Or maybe Hot Dog is a boring asshole, but that could be what we love about him.

Jesus Christ, I have to remember to write less notes so I can write less recap. The Don’t Die segment was “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done to a vehicle” Where we (And apparently somebody that Tully knows was listening and very well may be getting into some shit for saying this on air) learned that Tully was responsible for totaling the family Saturn back in the day. I don’t have much else to add to this, but I wanted it down for the record just in case said person reads this site as well. Hi Mrs. Tully!

 

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14

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Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just buried in my little paperwork hovel, listening to an endless string of time wasting phone calls and giving price estimates for shit that I could never afford while consoling others about their problems in comparison to mine. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!! TURN DOWN WHATEVER FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU’RE WATCHING, I’M TALKING TO SOMEBODY!!! FUCK YOU DON’T CALL BACK!!! I SHALL VISIT A SUFFERING UPON YOU THAT WOULD MAKE AUSCHWEITZ LOOK LIKE A NURSERY SCHOOL!!!!! So, yeah, that’s how I’m doing today. I also took a shit that I simply cannot trust the size of. It was way too much work and discomfort for how small it was. But fuck me, right, how are you? YOU READY FOR THE ELLIS SHOW?!?!?!?! Well, I hope you caught it live, because the recap is very close second, but still only second. Today’s show got started with some dead air and then some talk about how Orange Is The New Black is kinda stupid, and since I’ve never seen it, it just looks trendy and boring to me, but Donna from That 70’s Show is in it, so if nothing else, eye candy. This basically boiled down to a lot of talk about how trendy shit gets trendy then pointless. Jude was in studio to talk sound bites and how he’s given the show way too many memorable phrases for the Jingleberries not to have a whole page of buttons for him. Somehow, this boiled down to talk about Mike Metzger and people thinking other people are racist. Jude tried to relate his experience with racism and how it’s pretty common in just about every different group, but white people get treated a bit worse cause we actually enslaved several different groups on many different occasions and (especially in America) white is a pretty broad spectrum of people, so it’s not like it’s all the Brits or the Irish or the French, it’s just north versus south of the equator (PS native Americans are still on reservations cause white people are just fantastic like that). Fat Mike from NOFX said it best: Everyone’s a little bit racist. So there, problem solved, problem staying solved, rangers lead the way. There was more talk about racism and I just have to say that human beings are universally shitty in one way or another, every last god damn one of them, even the ones I like, it’s all just levels and when you have enough positives in my book, I’ll be decent to you, and if you don’t then I can leave pretty much any situation I need to in order to avoid you. It’s the great thing about free will and adulthood, personal fucking choice. There was more arguing and Ellis seemed really passionate about it, Jude tried to divert the subject and explain the double standard and how a certain amount of other people’s stupidity just needs to be ignored, but that just kind of brought the excitement level back up to the forefront of the conversation. Some guy (from Alabama) called in to say a certain amount of it is just what you experience and it’s not always just telling yourself not to be a dick. But then he said he hated Don Cheadle because he got robbed by a black guy and didn’t trust any of them for a bunch of years. Long story short, Jude’s point of view, lead by example, Ellis’ point of view, fuck all of them. They’re kinda both right, and both wrong. The world is a shitty place, and harden the fuck up. Two sides of an equally feces covered coin that is worth less than the metal it was minted from. Maybe that’s my own nihilism speaking, but it’s an opinion, which is like an asshole, and I stay away from everybody else’s unless I have a really good reason to be there, cause despite the fact that I’m not a germophobe, I’m weird and I get incredibly freaked out by the thought of poo, like when you’re watching porn and there’s that very slight brown mark on a girl’s ass cheeks when the dude fucking her slips out and has to line it back up again to continue rearranging her internal organs. IT JUST FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE THING FOR ME AND I HAVE TO START MASTURBATING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH, OKAY?!?!!?!?!!?! The guys switched to talking about the class divide and that’s really more of the issue when it comes to institutionalized racism, and I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they will never know the joy of a welfare Christmas, I WILL BUY YOU A GARDEN WHERE YOUR FLOWERS CAN BLOOM!! I WILL BUY YOU THAT BIG HOUSE!!! PERFECT SSHHIIIINNYY AND NEEEEEWWW!!!! Yes, I’m a 90’s kid. But fuck all of that last slew of nonsense, Hyena, the rebirth (remix? I mean, he does work at a hip hop station), September, pre-order that shit. And listen to the Foreally show. And let’s all just try and be better to each other cause some people take it way more personally than others. ‘Kay? ‘Kay………….Kay took my baby awaaayyy, they took her away, AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! Delirium, coupled with a decent lunch and a bloodshart brewing. The fumes in this shop gave the last guy lung cancer, I think they just make me lose brain cells. Which is fine with me, cause for the last thirty minutes I’ve been running through my vast personal knowledge of automotive lubricants in my head for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON at all, and this kind of knowledge drives me a little insane, and yet I relish it, cause it makes me good at my real job, just not the part that requires me to deal with everybody else’s problems and listen to their bullshit and be whined at because goods and services cost money and we won’t take trades of shitty macrame art and are constantly risking our own personal safety lifting their 3-ton hoarder cars up in the air to determine how quickly they need to be trading it in for a skateboard and a healthy dose of get off your ass and do something. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS OUT OF A COMA!!! For the most part, as far as we are told by the media, so that’s great. Long live The Stig. Let’s just take a moment to think about everything that’s happened so far today, and remember that no matter how bad you have it, at least you’re not a hipster. Those people suck.

 

ON DEMAND!!! It’s pretty much the only way I can finish these recaps!!! SIRIUSXM!!! Quality product. The web player and phone app, eh, not their finest attempt, but the content is fucking fantastic. #ShoutOut to the Backbone, Bryan fucking Cullen. Jason noticed that his twitter seems to be shitty about giving him notifications when people say/ask/harass/call him a fag/aggressive cock sucking/demand things from him, so the guys got to work trying to figure it out. Cumtard has never had that problem, and neither has Tully, so just off the bat they were able to determine it’s probably something to do with Jason’s phone app for twitter (I use Tweedle for android, you can make your own color scheme for it and it doesn’t give you fifty fucking columns of bullshit you wouldn’t even use on the computer, and it’s FREEEEEE!!!!) so they started trying to diagnose whether it was the app itself or just Ellis fault for buying an iPhone (*cough* inferior closed source technology *cough cough*). While they were doing that, Tully found a story about how people in Alabama are finally allowed to have oral and anal sex and don’t have to be wedded to do it, cause the state supreme court finally turned over whatever ridiculous hillbilly superstitious law they had on the books that previously made those a crime. WILSON came in to verify that he has tasted the sweetest fruits of carnal sin under the pseudonym “Phil” and that it was good. The guys discussed their feelings on their kids marrying a “beard” sometime in the future, and Tully has met a few of those couples and there’s a select few that seem to have it pretty good when they do that, and they make the flimsiest bridges, but the most Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous tacos. WILSON suggested that Jason’s twitter problems might be that he’s got his response page set to only people he follows, but Jason dismissed this as nonsense cause he’s not a technophile and probably didn’t realize he set it that way. But fuck all that, cause the guys turned to twitter and the phones to see who out there just can’t do stuff that other normal people can do, like pouring water out of a pitcher, or changing your own oil, or getting the center of an envelope lined up just right to get the address down on it. And there were some doozies, people out there don’t know how to do lots of stuff. Cumtard can’t keep his shoes tied for some reason or another. He’ll triple knot therm, but no matter what, they come untied in a few small steps. Jason can’t do carnival games, but that’s fine cause carnies are basically the gypsies of America and should not be trusted. Tully can’t butter toast unless it’s already kind of liquid. Ellis can’t open plastic bags very well. He also can’t manage remembering that 30 days hath September, April June and November, and all the rest have 31, except for February alone and that has 28 days clear and 29 on each leap year. The guys turned to the phones and got a guy who can’t negotiate swiping his credit card the right direction anytime he tries to use it. One guy on twitter can’t chew gum, but worse than that, Mike in Canada and Michael Tully both can’t do a respectable job opening a carton of milk. A lot of folks can’t snap their fingers or whistle. One lady couldn’t use an electric can opener to save her life (#AmIRight). One guy cut the tip of his pinky finger off on multiple occasions just trying to chop garlic. Some guy couldn’t parallel park and that’s just bullshit. A guy called in to say that he can’t pee when he’s sitting down to take a shit, cause we all needed to hear that this afternoon, but some of his friends stand up to wipe, so there’s that. Some guys can’t do gift wrapping, or put the straw through a Capri Sun without squeezing half of it out. One lady said she can’t use saran wrap cause it sticks to her fingers. Jetta has shy bowels, as does Ellis. One dude can’t open up a fruit cup without spilling out the syrup, and that wouldn’t be a huge deal if he didn’t work at an elementary school. Somebody on twitter can’t brush his teeth without making a huge mess of toothpaste everywhere. One guy called in to tell the guuys that, for the fucking life of him, he can’t open a tube of Pillsbury biscuits withouth them exploding all over his kitchen. Happy birthday Thomas Haden Church. Danny’s brother can’t walk in flip-flops, and some lady can’t fold fitted sheets (which I just kind of half-ass and get into a squarish shape, and since I live alone, fuck everybody) Someone called in to say he can’t drink from a big mouth glass with crushed ice in it, cause he’s essentially a humongous toddler. The next caller told the guys he can’t get off without catching a finger in the booty from his old lady. A couple people on twitter said that they absolutely cannot make themselves burp, when the situation calls for it. Jason has been getting spontaneous boners ever since he stopped his anxiety medication. Someone else on twitter said that he can’t open a bag of chips without exploding the bag so he has to use scissors, and someone else can’t peel a banana without biting the top off first. There was another caller who couldn’t keep AM and PM straight, but if I had to take a guess I’d be inclined to believe he’s an alcoholic. A lady called in to report multiple injuries sustained from trying to take off a sports bra, so bad in fact that she’s had reconstructive surgery for soft tissue damage. Can’t take the cotton ball out of a pill bottle, opening tamper safe seals on things, taking flight on massive hot air balloon hands, can’t open Kraft singles, can’t peel an orange without juicing it, can’t use scissors, can’t take a shit without showering afterwards, can’t pronounce “statistics” or “adirondak”, can’t piss in public, can’t brush your teeth without gagging yourself and throwing up, all of these are things that average people have trouble with, even though they shouldn’t. And you wonder why I complain about humanity all the time?

 

YOU SIR, ARE A MORON with special guest Anahita Sedaghatfar, the really attractive defense lawyer who sometimes makes appearances on Dr. Drew On Call with Jason. According to her, all persian girls are gonna claim their virginity until marriage, but they’re probably hiding some special tricks that they’ve picked up in their travels of penis. But that’s beside the point, cause today, You Sir, Are a Moron is gonna be extra interesting cause Anahita is there to constantly present the defense attorney’s point of view on stuff. Up first, should parents have a set amount of time they’re allowed to leave a baby in a car? Well, every doctor will tell you no, and that you’re an unfit parent, but of course being a parent is hard work and unloading your kid just to pump gas or put change in the meter is a pain in the ass, so for the sake of real world situations, it’s probably not a big deal. Next, was justice served for OJ Simpson? Well, facts and logic dictate that no, no it was not, but he did get arrested for trying to steal a bunch of his own memorabilia, and the rest of us are paying the price for one of his Dream Team Lawyer’s daughters, who got famous off some black dick and now won’t get the fuck off of every TV channel and magazine cover. Next, what would you do if you saw someone slap their kid in the face in public? Now first, of course, you gotta at least WANT to hit that fucker back, but it’s important to know the whole situation and be aware of your surroundings so that you don’t lash out in uncalled for ways out in the world, but of course, a 3 year old would have to be some kind of Omen child to really warrant that kind of treatment, so stomping a dude out in the milk aisle is probably the right thing to do. Tully on the other hand, has been informed by his kid’s pediatrician that he should be spanking the hell out of Linsanity at every possible turn, else he may rise up more powerful than Michael could ever imagine and will usurp his kingdom of a fully paid off Honda Civic and co-host position at a popular afternoon talk radio show. Next, are black people better at sports? And the short answer is yes, due to genetic culturing during the slave days, however there’s a lot of things we’re calling “sports” nowadays that really don’t require much physical superiority over anyone else, so just for the sake of nomenclature, the playing field has been pretty much leveled. Next, should ladies shave their asses? Yes. If you disagree, well you’re just fucking weird. NEXT QUESTION are you obligated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs as long as they aren’t dangerous or against the law? Well, fucking someone who’s on fire probably isn’t a good idea, but then again there’s probably laws against arson. That said though, it’s only an obligation if there’s legal paperwork drawn up, otherwise it’s just a matter of what everybody involved is comfortable with. And if you’re not comfortable with inflating a pool raft inside someone’s asshole while they sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, well then it’s time to go out and find yourself somebody who likes your own particular brand of strange. Next, when is an acceptable time for a man to lay hands on a woman in anger? And really the only time is protecting yourself or your loved ones from immediate harm or death, but Anahita disagrees with this, but she is wrong and obviously has never had a guy protect her from getting knocked out in public (which is surprising, cause nobody likes lawyers, so it seems like it’s bound to happen or already have happened). Should prostitution be legal? Well, it works well in Amsterdam, but Anahita does not agree with that, under the pretenses that it’s a bad example in our modern, evolved society that still clings to archaic belief structures and institutionalized xenophobia. Somehow, she got on the tangent of how pot should also remain illegal, even though she’s OK with it and has a lot of her facts about the new Colorado weed legalization wrong, as well as about the actual substance itself, but hey, not her field of expertise. I could tell her how to get fucked up sideways in a matter of minutes, but if I needed to beat a speeding ticket, I’d be the one asking questions. Next, should polygamy be legal? And my answer is, only if you’re not doing it as part of a religion. That one guy who claimed it as part of the Mormon faith, then married off a bunch of underage girls, and molested a bunch of kids, and robbed the welfare system for millions of dollars to single mothers, and kept a bunch of people hostage in his mountain compound, that guy wasn’t OK. Folks from out where I live, who just like to mix it up, and have the same friends with benefits as their wife does, shouldn’t be a problem for anybody. It isn’t one for me. And finally, at what age should kids be given condoms at school? To which the logical answer is, flood the entire south with them from kindergarten to 15 years into the workforce. Immersion therapy, the rest of us got the message a long time ago. Let’s take a few minutes to simmer on all that, and get back to it.

 

You may be shocked to learn that people on social media were OUTRAGED that a little girl who got mauled by a pit bull and is kind of disfigured from it, got kicked out of a KFC because some other customer couldn’t continue eating due to this girl’s appearance. KFC, of course, will not really suffer in the long run cause fast food is the new “too big to fail” banking system, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the whiny customer should have just shut the fuck up and kept their opinion to themselves. A team of researchers used Wikipedia to try and figure out who the most important person in the world was, and you may be surprised to learn that the current pope is only number three, but (according to some formula that requires Wikipedia and a bunch of external web links) Frank Sinatra is number fucking one!!! It’s nice to know that the new crop hasn’t taken over yet with all their stupid bullshit and worthless human beings parading around as celebrities instead of underutilized organ farms. Starfish are liquifying themselves in Vancouver cause they’re probably just fucking sick of existing, as most seaborne creatures seem like they are. But on the plus side, it probably makes a fantastic organic lube, plus you can watch the limbs crawl away in terror as the central core dissolves. A law firm in Massachusetts that was really well known for forclosing on people’s houses, just got foreclosed on!!! CAN YA FEEL ME VAGINA!!! Tully was reading about the school district in Newark, NJ and apparently it’s a shithole out there to the point where sometimes the only books in the classroom are comics, and while it’s a great hobby and they have some true artistic value, there’s a lot of good information that they just don’t have. The guys took some final calls, and as much as I love you all, I got shit to do today, so I’m snapping this one off before it turns into a bloodshart.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/16/2014

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i-dont-trust-you

MMA shirt? Fine. Hockey jersey? Not fine. I don’t wear either, but I also don’t know about that logic.

It’s like raaaaaayyyyyy-eeeeeaaaaaaiiiinnnnn on your recap day. It’s a freeeeee mustache riiiiiiddddeee when you’re already laid. I don’t know why I just did that, I apologize for that crock of shit. So, happy belated Father’s Day to all you good-ass dads out there. All you shit dads, you can eat shit. Shit mate. Routines are off right from the get go, Jetta & Cumtard are MIA. Ellis & Aubrey thought of an app that will help kick your chewed up wad of bubble gum ass into shape. Dings is there, he just ate, he wants that app, and if he does, he needs to fork over some skrilla. Dingo got his drink on yesterday, Miami lost and people are either talking smack, or maybe they’re not. Ellis’ cable company sucks a mean dick, it a bad way though. It won’t record shows, he can’t get some channels, and by god – they’re fucking expensive. He can’t see American motocross shit, but he sure can see Italian motocross shit – all brappity boppity boopity and shit. Tully thinks the NHL cup finals were “breath taking” and I say totally anti-climatic. Big weekend for the Ellis family, made big daddy Jayce Cakes tired as all hell. He went to a father’s day thing at Carey & Pink’s house, they got a stocked pond and shit. Devin cast her line out and viola! She catches a fish. Tiger busts out his Ironman rod and bam, catches a fish. Tiger had his first big boy crash on the motorcycle this past weekend. He cried but ended up handling it like a champ. Ellis likes his new Red Wings hockey jersey, but Katie doesn’t. Which makes no sense really, which is worse? Wearing clothes that promote a company’s food supplements or a hockey jersey? Riiiight. Somehow discussion turned to shit reality shows on TV, which there is no shortage of, pretty sure that’s all of TV now. Reality shows you make you stupid. Fact. I think. I’m not sure. You feeling alive? Because Tony Gwynn isn’t. Poor dude had mouth cancer and died at the young age of 54. Not to be outdone, Casey Kasem died a day before Gwynn, but he was 82.

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Submitting your Wolfknives Membership purchase.

So UFC. I didn’t watch it, neither did Ellis. Kenda was there, but she didn’t really pay attention either. Which leads me to believe I didn’t miss jack shit. Well, besides Andrei Arlovski returning to beat Brendan Schaub. Apparently fans thought the fight was boring and even Dana said he made a mistake putting that fight on the main card and said it should’ve been part of the prelim card. Ouch. Now, on to a more interesting fight. This is of a ghetto fight at a gas station with some black girl beating the shit out of two dudes with her titties flopping all about. By the end, she was completely naked and the two dudes were completely loopy after getting their asses handed to them by Miss Naked Ass-kicker USA. More Wolfknives signed up and got their names today. It seems along with the increased number of members, there is a specific increase in female members, which is cool as shit. So welcome, sisters! Hey, did you know there’s a Wolfknives Member Registry? Well there is, and it’s run by @RainmanRDS. There were some great names given out today. Unfortunately, nobody got Fart Barfunkle this time around, maybe next time.

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Did somebody say deviled eggs? I like deviled eggs.

Something, something about Abercrombie & Fitch. I think they’re hurting and may or may not be looking for more washboard ab young men to parade in front of their stores. Time for a Dingo quote! In today’s culture, people look at asses as an asset. ~Dingo And now for some more crazy. There’s this dude that is convinced Stacey, her deviled eggs, and Miracle Whip are straight up evil. Side note, he kind of looks like The Architect from The Matrix, but his logic kind of sounds like Gilbert Grape. This guy is crazier than a shithouse rat on a fishing boat. Remember the guy from last year that got busted having sex with a pool raft? Well, he’s back, having sex with inflatable things again. Asphyxia is back to beat the shit out of Cumtard. The idea is that Asphyxia will be performing some S & M style shit on Cumtard and he has to guess the password to get her to stop. Before we get too far into the whole experience, Dingo had to get his licks in, so to speak, and gave Cumtard a hard slap on bare ass. Cumtard didn’t seem like he liked the whole experience too much, that is until he started getting an erection during the nipple clamp tugging session. One the funnier parts for me was while he was getting waxed & was given the clue of “leader” and he guessed the safe word “Barack Obama”. I hope to Barry that if anyone out there practicing S & M, uses Barack Obama as a safe word – that’s a game changer, politically and otherwise. The torture continued, with a few mishaps here and there, but the ultimate goal was essentially reached. Cumtard in a dress and in pain. And that led us to final calls with the question, would you rather be a bear with a human dick or a bear with a bear dick, but a human mind. I think everyone can agree that bear dicks are gross and you wouldn’t want one.

hi-bye-mom

Toodles!

Show Recap for Friday 6/13/2014

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Guess what day it is? Not Saturday, not Sunday, nope not even close. It’s Friday and it looks like some bad ass mother fucker managed to post this recap for you bitches on time! Go ahead and applause, I’ll wait. Ellis opened the show saying he needs a happier b side intro so when he’s feeling a little less murderey he can play it. Tully has a fucked up ligamental tendon in his dorsal elbowus armus majorus. That’s doctor talk for “yer arms

Dont poop dont poop dont poop dont poop

Dont poop dont poop dont poop dont poop

fucked up” and if he was a Viking he would be dead or hanging in the back with that one tarded guy that is always playing with the ants. They chatted about slow animals, duck dynasty, rich people in white clothes, and the Diarrhea game before Tully went on and on and on about basketball. Not that I’m not a fan of basketball but I’m not a fan of basketball, so fuck it. But the one thing I do know about basketball is that when LeBron is running down the court and his game is kinda short, diarrhea cha cha cha diarrhea. Ellis watched a movie where old ass Liam Nison kicked everybody’s ass in a totally believable wrist locking karate chopping movie. A woman in Florida was charged with firing an offensive missile into an automobile. It was an offensive bb missile but the best part of the story is her name, Crystal Methany. This got Tully and Jason talking about all the bad things about doing meth and coke and this led to the talk about the good things about coke, which let to them talking about E poopies. Everything makes a full circle eventually.

Three New York workers had to pray at work or they’ll get fired to the great god Onion Head. All hail Onion Head! Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Hot Dog played a rousing game of everyone’s favorite, Shock Pictionary! Jason and Tully won the game but we all know the real winners were the listening audience, which means if you’re reading this because you missed the show then you’re a loser, loo-zer, la-hoo zah-her.

Harrison Ford got injured on set of the new Star Wars film. And with this late breaking news Christian “I Don’t Think My Names Long Enough To Be An Epic Radio Name” James Hand came in and told us how the full moon and alignment of the planets tonight are going to make the streets run red with blood of menstruating women and innocent men. He also download (7)brought more isolated tracks for everyone. We heard Van Halen with the breakdown of Hot For Teacher, then they had a short interruption on a little subject but they kept the conversation minimal, nothing big. Back to the tracks, They played a beautiful song by a chubby English girl whose name I don’t know. Then he played Aerosmith, whose names I know well. We heard Love In An Elevator and even without instruments that song rips it the fuck up! What else rips it the fuck up little 11 year old Michael Jackson who we heard next. Iron Maiden made a stellar appearance, not to be outdone Christian played Take On Me by Ah Ha, except they aren’t as good. And then the Chili Peppers. Not gonna lie, I’m sure this part of the recap sucks balls and is taking forever to get through even though this segment kicks ass so I’m gonna fast forward and…. Music break.

In Aubrey’s Corner we learned that it’s best to drink water, tea, or coffee. Your body knows you’re too slow to catch a buffalo so it makes you fatter. Fat is good unless it’s from fried shit. Butter and cheese is yummy but best if it’s from organic grass fed cows. Poop regularly, often, like two to three times a day! You also need to sweat, whether it’s in the gym, in the sauna, or to the oldies, it’s a good way for your body to detox and produce hormones and other important shit. Basically you don’t have to starve yourself, just eat smart, natural foods, and be active. Not hard people. Check out Onnit’s grocery guide for more help.

“If you like beer than have a fucking beer!” – Aubrey Marcus

They ended the show asking, “what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done with your kid?” Probably the dumbest thing I ever did was when my second daughter was two she was baby-handling-guide (1)[3]standing up in her high chair and I told her to sit down so she just let her feet slip and fall onto her butt. Unfortunately when she landed she bit her tongue with her two front teeth almost all the way through. Blood was everywhere, she was crying, my wife wasn’t home and I was freaking out. After calming down I remembered that cold stuff helps stop bleeding so I gave her a tub of ice cream and a spoon. That was a pretty dumb thing but it doesn’t beat the dumbest thing your dad’s ever done, yer mum, OH!