Hey assholes, glad you got sad and lonely enough to bring yourself before us, yet again to read about the show we probably all listened too just a few short hours ago. HOLY SHIT! You remember when Ellis told us about the car wreck he was in today? Ok, so this is easier if I pretend you listened to nothing. Ellis was in a car wreck today. Nothing major, but some asshole stopped short on him and he bumped him or something and fucked up the Porsche. THE PORSCHE. Anyway, it was determined it was the other dude’s fault, but you know insurance companies, they will ram that deductible dick directly into your dumb ass. Speaking of sentences with too many D’s in it: Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show the other day and they played some clips from it where Ellis licked Anahita Sedaminophen’s box. Not her vagina box, her Brady Bunch/Hollywood Squares box that they put all the talking heads into. She’s gonna be going to Go Karts next Friday too so that should be cool. Ellis had a couple one liners on the show that garnered some positive reviews from people who watch that show. I didn’t watch it because I never remember to DVR it, but you should remember to watch it because he is going to be on there every Tuesday and Thursday as a replacement for that one red head chick. She sucked.
Anyways, Jason and Katie are going camping this weekend to scout out spots that don’t suck so they can bring the kids and not having to worry about the spot being full of suck. Tully went to Trampoline World with the kid. He showed his kid how to bounce off the walls and dunk on a 10 foot rim, but little Linsanity couldn’t have given less of a fuck about his Dad’s assisted prowess. Asshole. Katie is becoming a better kickboxer these days, and Ellis is into it. But he tried to film her yesterday and she jumped his shit because he was distracting her from her work. Which means he may have created a monster. Which may be a bad idea when you think about how she is the kind of chick who incorporates pain into sex, and you are teaching her how to throw kicks and punches professionally. Or, you’re into it. I’m not a real man, do what the fuck you want. Speaking of chicks beating up dudes with boners, Kevin came in and they kind of recapped his torture on Monday at the hands of Skin. He’s got some war wounds and he admitted he was getting really pissed off at the repetitive pain in the same spot. Tully says he could see how if that were happening to him, his initial knee jerk reaction would be to deck her in the face. He wouldn’t do it of course, but ya know….He’d wanna smack a bitch. Kevin and Ellis disagreed, but I’m on board with that. I once broke a cupboard because I bashed my head on the sharp corner and the pain woke up the rage monster.
Kevin broke up with his pornstar girlfriend. He says its because he couldn’t help but get hung up on the porn thing. They realized they were getting serious so that kind of freaked him out. He had to defend himself to Ellis a little bit because Ellis thinks him telling her that it’s because of porn was hurtful and that’s not right. Kevin was up front about his feelings and came right out and said it was his own insecurities and he feels like a dick and he still really likes her. I was leaning more to Kevin’s side at first, because I don’t think I could date a porn chick, but we are talking about a dude who had pot smoke blown up his butt and has had multiple things placed on his balls so he could guess what they are, so he doesn’t really have the moral high ground. Meh, whatever. Kevin seemed pretty bummed out so It feels weird to speculate on shit. Let’s talk about squirrels jacking off.
Squirrels jack off. A lot. And they have their very own special way of doing it by humping the fuck out of a tree. Horses masturbate by rubbing their gigantic horse dicks on the ground and by humping posts. You’ve got to be hard up as hell to hump a post. Horse owners need to get the things a pocket pussy or something. I hear your mom is in talks to have her cavernous twat molded for one that might fight. Oh? Dolphins fuck fish heads which is gangster as all fuck. Dolphins are fucking psychos. But probably most evil of all creatures, Penguins are known to gang rape women(penguins), babies (penguins) and dead bodies(doesn’t matter when they are dead, squishy is squishy).
In a retarded Voltron of news media, Dog/Pot/Cock News included a dog who bit the dick of his owner, and when the cops showed up to the scene, they found a massive hash oil operation which may or may not be legal.
Unsigned bands was pretty uneventful, aside from Ellismania MVP champion of the world, Butterballs sending in a band he hasn’t been in in a while. They sort of sounded like Zebrahead to me, which isn’t an insult from me at all. The overall winner though was a band called The Regulators which sounded like a much more polished Hatebean, singing songs about being “Down by the river”/”Man with a shadow” and if you know nothing about the show, you still know that songs are always better when they happen down by the river.
Tully read off a Cosmo article that basically told women they can stop shaving, burp fart and grow dicks and men won’t notice as long as they give them orgasms. Ellis is a bit of a fruit with some things, but he gave a good lashing to the spirit of which the article was meant. Ladies, if you stop giving a shit about leaving some mystery with your men, then whatever shred of humanity he has left hanging on will disappear. You don’t really want to have farting contests with your dude and then have him go down on you do you? Unless that’s your thing I guess. In which case, please leave me your number in the comments.
Will Pendarvis decided to interview the new exciting intern, Hot Dog, so that the listeners could get to know him a little better. Some of the more exciting points about this riveting young man:
- He has caught a lot of stuff at concerts
- Used to work at a Chicken Holocause manufacturer
- Has a 2003 Camry
- Almost fell through a sky light one time.
- Went to Alaska once on a cruise.
- Cooked Hot dogs at a stadium and was voted vendor of the month.
Listen, Pendarvis, maybe the next time you want to interview an intern, you need to leave it to the pros. Or maybe Hot Dog is a boring asshole, but that could be what we love about him.
Jesus Christ, I have to remember to write less notes so I can write less recap. The Don’t Die segment was “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done to a vehicle” Where we (And apparently somebody that Tully knows was listening and very well may be getting into some shit for saying this on air) learned that Tully was responsible for totaling the family Saturn back in the day. I don’t have much else to add to this, but I wanted it down for the record just in case said person reads this site as well. Hi Mrs. Tully!