Category Archives: Nonsense

Other various nonsense and funny stuff related and unrelated to The Jason Ellis Show.

How To Be a DJ On Shade 45

Posted on by
Reply

There’s a simple formula on how to be a DJ on Sirius / XM’s Shade 45 channel and I’m going to reveal that secret formula to you! Get this down and you’ll be just as good as most all of the DJ’s on that channel with the only exception being Jude (@rude_jude) Here are the “secret” steps:

  1. Play the same “popular” songs that have been played 3 to 4 times within a 12 hour period.
  2. Make sure you interrupt the song multiple times by pushing a button that says: “Warning. The drama king is in the building.”
  3. Push that same button at least 5 times in a row.
  4. Push that same button again after 10 seconds.
  5. Now push a button that sounds like an air horn.
  6. Push that same button 3 to 4 times in a row.
  7. Repeat steps 2 through 6 until the song is over, making sure the audience has only heard a maximum of 10 words. The rest should be button sounds.
  8. Repeat steps 1 through 7 for the remainder of your shift.

Congratulations! You are now a “professional” DJ on Sirius / XM’s Shade 45 channel.

A Collaborative Twitter Story

Posted on by
3

I started a collaborative story on Twitter and asked people to keep the story going by adding to it. Not thinking, I could have made the objective a bit more clear. So instead of one massive connecting story that was contributed to by multiple people, the story ended up fragmenting into several different stories. However, a couple of them turned out awesome, thanks to the participants. Here is the hashtag I used #KeepTheStoryGoingAddToIt and the results of it.

Story (@bitPimps, @AZ_RedDragon):

@bitPimps Lonely, I went for a walk to pick up a hooker. I wanted something new, something different. I found it, she was…

@AZ_RedDragon dead, a parapalegic, amputee (half off), a dude… (I wrote this before I knew what @bitPimps was doing, and I was drunk. That’s why it doesn’t make sense, yet!)

@bitPimps She said she could be anything I wanted. I asked if she wanted to get a drink, she said…

@AZ_RedDragon no problem, I know this great place with a seniors discount, and i’ll even show you how I do shots through my tracheostomy hole…

@bitPimps This was it! Exactly what I had been searching for. I couldn’t wait to get her alone so I could…

@AZ_RedDragon slowly remove her support hos, put her teeth in water, and break her hip, only the way a grandson could…

@bitPimps I sucked on her tubes as I was fingering the hole in her neck. I could feel her vocal cords and…

@AZ_RedDragon she said in her raspy voice, go down on me. So I slowly removed her soiled adult daiper, wiped the errant poo from her cookie and…

@bitPimps started to lick her poo covered slit. I tried to think of Nutella, eventually I cleaned here and…

@AZ_RedDragon I looked up to see that she was no longer breathing. I figired what the hell, I already paid so I might as well finish…

@bitPimps I kept pumping, blood and cum was flying all over the place. I finished and then…

@AZ_RedDragon my dad came in, he said, “mom!, what happened to you? You used to be such a milf.” I wrapped my arms around dad, we looked into…

@AZ_RedDragon … each others eyes, and we knew, we knew what we had to do, as men, as family…

@bitPimps … & hugged. Licking us both clean he stuck 1 end of the tube in my mouth and the other end…

@AZ_RedDragon I slowly reached for his aged but tender balls when suddenly grandmas dead body suddenly evacuated her bowels…
The End. (Because we were drunk and left.)

Story (@bitPimps, @herro_amy, @tank_yanker):

@bitPimps Lonely, I went for a walk to pick up a hooker. I wanted something new, something different. I found it, she was…

@herro_amy A midget with gold buck teeth…

@bitPimps Her small stature and ghetto teeth made me excited immediately. I asked if I she was into…

@tank_yanker going to Harlem for some soul food and hang out at an urban club…

@bitPimps She just stared at me, sucked on her finger & then reached for my ass. At first I…

@tank_yanker was repulsed,but it was quite clear it was happening anyway, by the way she held the .38 to my balls…

@bitPimps I pulled out a roofing nail from my work belt and asked her to insert it into my dick hole and she…

@tank_yanker slammed it home with the butt end of the gun. At that point I…

@bitPimps tried to keep myself from cumming, she pulled it out and rammed it back in then stuck it in her…

The End. (Because @tank_yanker had to go to work.)

Story (@bitPimps, @herro_amy):

@bitPimps Lonely, I went for a walk to pick up a hooker. I wanted something new, something different. I found it, she was…

@herro_amy A midget with gold buck teeth…

@bitPimps Her small stature and ghetto teeth made me excited immediately. I asked if I she was into…

@herro_amy role play and she took off her shoe…

@bitPimps I was confused, yet excited. Especially when I saw her webbed feet. We went to a bar for drinks and…

The End. (Because I fucked up and didn’t get everyone on the same story from the start)

Story (@bitPimps, @cogdeth):

@bitPimps Lonely, I went for a walk to pick up a hooker. I wanted something new, something different. I found it, she was…

@cogdeth Your typical Cleveland hooker, 5’7″ with a firm grip, not like the “fun-size” ho’s of yesteryear.

@bitPimps I knew it was firm cuz she was missing her left arm. I asked what can u do with the the nub & she said…

The End. (Because I fucked up and didn’t get everyone on the same story from the start)

Hard Hitting Questions

Posted on by
3

I know time is in very short supply for Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog, but I’m hoping they have enough time to field just a few questions. Let’s jump right in with the questions:

Ellis

  1. Say Sirius XM offered you everything you wanted, money, paid staff, your own channel, etc. How much longer would you do radio before deciding to retire?
    (Update 02/17/2012: During a phone call with Ken Block, he said maybe in 4 or 5 years. It’s not a direct answer to this question, but close counts I suppose.)
  2. All your recent life issues are over, everything is perfect. However, during sex you now cum out of your nose instead of your penis. Do you stop having sex or just put up with it?

Rawdog

  1. Ellis retires early and you still don’t have full access to your trust fund. What will you do for work?
  2. The power grid fails, no microwave, no restaurants, etc. What will you be eating during this tragic time? And no relying on other people, you have to feed yourself.

Tully

  1. How exactly did you start in radio? Were you an intern? Did Cullen get you hooked up with Sirius XM?
  2. You and your wife have adopted Rawdog. He finds a mysterious oriental skull that transforms you into Rawdog, and he into you – just like in the movie Vice Versa. Except there is no fixing it or going back. How do you handle this situation, do you just live with it, kill Rawdog (who is in your old body), or just punch Mark McGrath out of frustration?

If you are reading this, thank you for taking time from your day to do so.

Jason, I Have A Question

Posted on by
1

Many people come up to me and say, “Jason, you seem like a man who knows how to please a lady, can you share some of your secrets with us?”  Of course I can!  In fact I will help shed some light on one of the most overlooked sexual practices today, hand stimulation, also knows as fingering, finger banging, throwin’ some digits, flickin’ the bean, patting the little man in the boat on the head, checking her temperature, etc.

First, make sure that your hands are well manicured.  Women like a man with “workin’ hands” but they don’t like it in their most sensitive of areas.  Remember guys, manicures are gay, but manicures so you can fingerbang your girl are less gay, and whatever you do, avoid hand sanitizer. Trust me, I learned that one the hard way.

Now that your hands are up to par the next thing to do is to find a nice, private area to bring your lady to her carnal throws of ecstasy.  Some places that I have found to be mood enticing are the bedroom, in the shower, front seat of your truck, under the bleachers, at the movies, or in the very back of church.  Wherever you choose the most important thing is that shes comfortable.  And now on to the handy work.

First, slowly massage the outer part of her vagina, and then ever so gently start rubbing the clitoris.  When you start to notice her vagina becoming “wet” proceed to insert a single finger.  Remember to watch her body language, if she seems uncomfortable just go back to the previos step. If she is enjoying it then feel free to continue, remember, this is all about her.

After inserting the first finger into her vagina, continue adding fingers one at a time, until your entire fist is inside her.  I know this sounds unusual, but remember, you asked me.  After inserting your fist slowly slide your arm inside until you get to your shoulder where you will limbo your head in.  This may feel awkward and uncomfortable for you but trust me, she loves it.  After you get your head in then you will need to wiggle your other arm, shoulder, torso, and finally your legs inside.

At this point your entire body should be resting gently inside her vagina.  From this point you will have entire control of her body, much like a puppeteer has with a marionette.  Now have her take her own hand and rest it gently on her vagina so that she may manipulate herself the way she actually likes.  Once she reaches orgasm and is fully satisfied you exit her body by giving birth to yourself, head first, then shoulders and so on.

I hope this lesson helps you and your romantic affairs, and remember, sex can be a beautiful experience.

*Some or all of this writing may or may not be plagiarized, allegedly.

And one more thing, I was taught this technique by your mom.