2013

Posted on December 19, 2013 by jenni_mazky

From somewhere near Beverly Hills…it’s the Jason Ellis Show!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! And I am going to take the time to apologize if any of you reading this at some point go ‘she’s talking about shit out of order’ because life sucks sometimes and you listen to the show out of order and the SiriusXM app hates your life. Also, sometimes people call you instead of calling the fire department when the carbon monoxide alarm goes off. Because they’re stupid.

The show opened up today with the wise words of Ellis, “Heyyyyyy…welcome,” and I am sure that future generations will remember him as a great speaker and philosopher. But yeah, it’s one of the reasons that we love him, right? Anyway…he doesn’t usually get into the whole singing Christmas carols thing cause he’s a tough cool guy and tough cool guys don’t sing Christmas carols at preschool Christmas carol sing a longs. This morning Ellis and Katie met mummy at Tiger’s school for what was supposed to be a Holiday themed concert where Ellis would get to sit back and relax and listen to Tiger and a bunch of other four year olds sing Christmas carols and Hannukah songs and eat cakes, but it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, Andrea had told him that there would be snacks there for consumption so he didn’t eat a lot of breakfast, but when he went to take some of the snacks a teacher (who was clearly drunk on the power of bossing around 4 year olds all day long) told him that he had to wait until after the performance and Ellis felt like a dick because he already had the plate in his hand. But whatever. Then, the parents assembled for the concert were informed that it would be less like a concert and more like a sing a long and Ellis groaned and said that he wasn’t going to sing, because he’s too cool for that shit. That lasted for about a minute until the kids came out and Tiger came up to him and told him that he wanted Daddy Ellis to come and sit in the circle with him and sing along. Ellis couldn’t say no so he handed the video camera over to Katie for her to capture the moment. And that’s when shit started to get awkward. It’s no secret that Ellis and his ex-wife actually get along and are friendly to each other, and that Katie is in on it also because she is awesome. Ellis sometimes gets weirded out by that since it will randomly occur to him that he has had sex with the two people standing next to each other and laughing at his jokes, but the awkward got pushed to another level when Mummy came to sit next to him and Tiger and carol along while Katie filmed them. Ugh. Ellis didn’t know what to say about that whole thing other than, “Well that was awkward,” but it seems that Katie took the whole thing in stride and didn’t cause a fuss about it. Tully points out that Ellis is lucky that he gets along with his ex, and that Katie gets along with her too, and that maybe he can have the best of both worlds and down the road it won’t be so awkward. Ellis agrees and says that time heals all wounds and while shit gets kinda awkward now, down the line it will probably be less so.

The other side of that same coin, are parents who have a baby together and break up or get divorced (because seriously, more people are getting knocked up out of wedlock than ever before) and then one parent starts a new family and treats the new kids like they are made of gold and treats their ummmm….old (?) kid like they have leprosy and are coated in a thick layer of dog poop. And yeah, Ellis and Tully both agree that if you do that, you are a dick bag. They talk mostly about the father’s being the ones who are doing all of the bad, and say that people like that are more evil than the assholes who are mean to everybody, because being mean to one of your kids in favor of your new kids with a new lady is next level evil shit and you should just have the worst shit happen to you at that point. Tully does touch on the fact that there are mothers that do it too, that it’s not always the men, and since you’re reading this you have to listen to my opinion/experience on the subject which is: yeah, bitches do it too, which to me is a little worse since that little person came out of you and I do deal with a baby momma from fucking hell and the worst part is that she doesn’t even have another kid yet. She couldn’t care less about her kid in favor of her fucking lame-ass boyfriend. So yeah, bitches suck just as hard, and sometimes it’s a little more next next level evil douchebaggery.

The guys also get onto the subject of old people having kids and how old is too old to have a baby, because people are pushing them out older and older these days. So, how old is too old? Ellis thinks that if you wanna have a baby you should prolly at least have a good twenty years left on this Earth so that you can play with them and impart your knowledge and get to watch them grow up for the most part. But, how can you figure on having 20 more years on the planet when we all know that tomorrow is never a guarantee? Tully says that yeah, you can’t say that you will definitely get through tomorrow, but you know around how old your relatives are/were when they died (and if you don’t know off-hand the information is generally pretty easy to come by) so there is a good yardstick for some guesstimation. There are a lot of risks with being older and getting pregnant- after some googling done by Jetta we learn that the incidence of having a baby with down syndrome, ectopic pregnancies, and miscarriages drastically increase- but if you want a baby, then (as a caller suggested) you just gotta roll with the punches because the reward is worth the risk involved. As for worrying about having a baby with Down Syndrome…what’s the harm in that? Ellis and Tully both think that babies with Down Syndrome are delightful, though there is definitely a lot more work and a lot longer of a parent commitment involved. Also, you can always adopt a baby if you’re older and too worried about the risk and too worried about your older body not bouncing back the way that it would have when you were 20, and there are tons of babies out there looking to be adopted and you will change that baby’s life for the better.

Back from the break we learn that people in Washington State are allowed to smoke weed legally and have been able to for over a year now. So yeah, that’s not really news…what is news is the mammoth amount of fucking weed the people in Washington State imbibed over the past year. It was estimated (I guess at the beginning of the year) that the residents number 6.8 million would consume approximately 85 metric tons of weed over the course of the year. Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was that Washington State residents used over 185 metric tons of marijuana. That’s more than double if you suck at math and were wondering, or 50 joints per resident (man, woman, and child) over the course of the year. Holy shit. They must be some happy, relaxed motherfuckers. No wonder they see sparkly vampires. In other news, Rude Jude, who we all know and love wrote a book and it has officially been released so you should probably go out and buy it!!! Wilson has read a few of the stories in the book and says that he is going to buy a copy even though he already got one for free, because Jude is awesome and his book Hyena will hopefully get on the NY Times Bestseller list with some help from Ellisfam. I know that I’m going to hit up the bookstore to see if I can land myself a copy tomorrow.

The guys also did assign some Wolfknives names and I’m generally really good at listing them all and doing a little welcome paragraph, but my listening was so fucked up today and I didn’t write them all down but the ones that I remember are Bo Jangles, God Satan, Maccordian, Dick-Fil-A, Low Carb Andy, Fish Lightening, and Electric Boogalou (thanks Hubbs). Welcome to the Wolfknives guys, and if I didn’t remember you and you happen to be reading this, feel free to leave a comment with your name so I can look at it and feel bad about myself (but not really:)

Back from another break, which may or may not have been before or after the previous break, we learn that a Calgary Man named Tom Crist who subscribes to play the lottery on a yearly basis actually won a $40 million jackpot, which is a shit ton of money that I would probably do really immoral things for. What is this Canadian going to do with all of that cash? Why, he is going to donate every cent to charity, of course, cause he’s Canadian and that shit would never happen in America. It is true that the man is retired after selling a multi-million dollar company and who admittedly has already made sure that he and his children are taken care of, but the real reason that this man felt compelled to donate this absurd amount of money was his wife sadly passed away two years ago after a battle with cancer, and he wants the money to go towards cancer research as well as benefit the hospital that she received her treatment at. His kids are cool with his decision too, which we know because one of them called the show. Seriously. And Ellis thinks no one listens. The son of a multi millionaire listens. His name is Robbie and he talked about how he’s a good boy, has punched a guy out of a bar for shit talking his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child, and couldn’t be happier that his father is donating the money and feels that it is what his mom would have wanted. It is easy to say that there should be more people like this man and his family in the world so we could finally achieve world peace.

Time for a highbrow segment…but first, Vanessa has Fauxnuts. Cumtard, who is now in the studio, has never had one before and Tully doesn’t want to tell him what it is before he tries it because he doesn’t want Kevin’s tasters to go in biased. Cumtard likes the fauxnut and Tully proceeds to tell him that it is an everything free donut and it’s good for you (or at least not as bad since it still has sugary goodness) but Wilson didn’t like it. Will clarifies that he thinks that they are okay- they are really good for a healthy food and not so good for a junkfood food. Listening to them eat fauxnuts made me want a donut. Will asks the guys if they had a billion dollars at what age Ellis and Tully would hand money over to their kids and how much money they would give them. Ellis said he would pay for his kids education for sure, and if they were going to college and not fucking around he would buy them a car, but beyond that they would have to commit to partaking in some ridiculous obstacle course which included beating him in a lap of something (that something being heavily weighed in his favor) if they wanted any more. At some point in all of this they also did Tard That Tune, and I’m pretty sure that it was around here somewhere since Will stayed in the studio. It was Tard That Tune Volume 3 and proved to be challenging, not only because Kevin decided to throw in a bunch of weird 80’s tracks, but also because for some of them he was too high to realize that the sounds he was making made absolutely no sense in the song. And yeah…his neighbors probably think that he is absolutely insane.

There is some talk about fucking old guys, but not just any old guys, FAMOUS old guys. Because I mean, if you’re gonna be a guy and fuck an old guy and you aren’t gay, then he should probably be famous. The general consensus after some discussion was that they would all fuck Sean Connery and they would brag to each other about it. Why? Probably because Connery is the bad ass of bad assery, he was James Bond, he pulls off being so old that his whole head is just patterned facial hair, and fucking him would kind of just make you more manly. Who are some of the rejects? Sir Ian McKellen was a big NO, Sly Stallone did not make the cut, neither did the governator, or Clint ‘My Face is Falling Off’ Eastwood. There was an argument to be made for Harrison Ford, because hello Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Jack Ryan, but Tully feels like he got prematurely old and crotchety. Fuck you Tully, Harrison Ford basically tops my list for ANY celebrity I would fuck, young or old because he is fucking awesome. For the record I would also do Sean Connery. And Bruce Willis, but he wasn’t brought up cause he isn’t 70 yet.

The guys wrap up the show with a brand new segment that was so amazing it lasted over an hour and a half and became final calls and had everyone calling the show with stories about the dumbest things that they have ever done. Not…not dumb…straight up life-threateningly, fire hazard, ball ripping, dick slicing, car crashingly stupid. Tully opens the segment up with a tale from his adventures in cross country barefoot road tripping where he and his friends went hopping around Chicago looking to buy some weed. Long story short, he got mugged twice and probably should have been killed twice, but got to keep his wallet and a shred of his dignity as well as having an awesome story to tell for years to come. Wilson regaled us with the story of how he threw an M80 into an oil barrel in his father’s shop that was filled with flammable liquid and the resulting blow (after he peeped in to see what was taking so long) singed off his eyebrow, melted his eyelashes together, and straight up blew his eyeball into a big red mess with no decipherable pupil or iris. Kevin kept a journal as a 13 year old boy. Even more stupid than that he wrote about his first sexual conquest in excruciating detail and his mom found it. Ellis wasn’t really sure what the stupidest thing he has ever done was, but eventually comes up with the time that he punched a beer mug and sliced up his hands and needed stitches and then couldn’t straighten his arms or skate properly. The phones wouldn’t stop on this subject and it would take me a good hour and a half to share all of the gloriously stupid stories that people called in with, so I’m gonna only do a couple:

When Jordan was 13 years old he decided to do his mom a favor and install the electric can opener that had been sitting around unopened for a month. Wanting to test it out he tried it on the only can that he could find, which just so happened to be a can of spray paint. After he punctured the spray paint can it exploded all over the kitchen, including into an outlet, which set the kitchen and his arms on fire. The good news is that he managed to get the kitchen fire out all by himself, but he did wait until after the fire in the kitchen was out before putting his arms out and he wound up in the hospital for a few days with 3rd degree burns.

Clayton ran himself over when he was 16 and drunk. He first crashed his car into a ditch and telephone combo to avoid hitting another car. He returned to his buddy’s house rather than continue his 5 minute journey home, forgot to put his car in park, and when it started to roll toward his buddy’s house he decided to try and stop it with his body, getting pinned between his car and his pal’s house at 2 in the morning, breaking his leg.

Dennet exploded summercamp latrines at the age of 13 and managed to explode one into his face. So he set his face on fire and had scorched shit stuck to his face, in his mouth, up his nose, and in his eyes. All because the explosion was taking longer than usual, he didn’t wanna look dumb in front of his friends, and he stuck his face over the hole to see what was going on.

Wayne married the same lady three times.

A caller crashed his car off of a cliff while trying to run over a slug.

Another caller shot himself through the knee with a hollowpoint while cleaning his gun…drunk.

And Frankendick. Good old Frankendick. He tablesawed the base of his cock. Oh dear god.

Some things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

It’s hard to know how loudly to sing Happy Birthday at little kid parties, unless it’s your kid

40 is not old enough to give up on your body

Ellis would adopt a kid if he were rich

There is hope for Ellis not being a suspicious character since he started therapy

TLC used to be The Learning Channel, but now it’s just TLC because it is totally devoid of educational value and is the home of Honey Boo Boo and the future home of Sex Sent Me To The ER

A 440lb man on Long Island fucked his girlfriend through a wall (and lost his virginity at the same time)

Cumtard needs to stick to one Metal band on his clothes at a time

Cumtard: He’s full of cum, he’s a tard, he eats his farts

Tully wants to start a mouth band

Science will one day make Nerds candy healthy

Kelly Lebroc got a DUI from eating chocolate liquors

Will’s attitude is in his face and Ellis doesn’t like it

Cumtard accidentally maced himself

Don’t play with fire while drunk

Don’t play/clean guns while drunk

Don’t drive while drunk

Don’t play with any sort of power/hand tool while drunk

TJES listeners have done some amazingly stupid things

Tully is betting on Humankind

Ellis wants gold nipples

Stay Positive

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P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ellisfam!!!! <3
and you know, belated Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you fuckers are into like Yuletide and Ramadan, and…shit. Love you all!!!

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

Posted on December 12, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Feed your obsession…

People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.

Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).

Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.

Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.

The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.

Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.

It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!

Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.

Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.

After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.

Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.

Things we learned on the show today:

Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great

Tully is attractive to black women

Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them

There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet

Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen

Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge

You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music

Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors

Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things

Different Cultures prefer different sized phones

Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep

Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper

Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered

Ellis has no savings in the bank

Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball

Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport

Ellis needs a podcast

New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact

Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests

Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to

Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel

Tully has to go see Santa

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Posted on December 5, 2013 by jenni_mazky

Back again. It’s okay if you’re sick of me after this, cause I won’t be back until next week ;)

If you missed the show today that means you missed your opportunity to feed your Ellis Show obsession. If your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your palms are sweaty, and you’re feeling itchy all over- you have come to the right place. A re-cap is almost as good as the real thing (I hope) so please feel free to feed your obsession here and be held over until the show replays in the morning. Shit. Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM where it’s not terrestrial radio and therefore the show can be opened by saying shit and talking about bald pussy. Your pussy falls out when you’re 80. Box, box, box, box (read: pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy). Tully wonders if there was a way that someone could listen to the show and tally up all of the things that they would never be able to get away with on terrestrial radio, but Ellis says that they are way too understaffed for anyone to be able to do that. However, Wilson knows the guy who played the bleep button while Howard Stern was on terrestrial so maybe he could do it. They talk a bit about how it must have been such a shit high pressure job to be the person bleeping Stern out all of the time because he had Stern to answer to as well as lawyers to answer to for why he chose to bleep or not to bleep (as that is the terrestrial radio question). Ellis comments that Will kind of has that shit job in satellite radio form, but Will vehemently denies this. Just kidding. Of course he does.

It’s a good thing that Ellis isn’t out of it today, even though he woke up super early, because Tully proclaims that he is not on top of his game but he will be giving it the old college try. Why is Tully out of it? No it isn’t one of his bouts of insomnia, he actually slept through the night…however while sleeping he dreamed a dream where he was so tired but so busy with shit that he never got the chance to sleep. Channing Tatum made a cameo, cause why not, and Tully was talking to him about Dream Tatum’s pending fatherhood, then he had one other person to talk to, then he had to get out of there and do some other errand, and then he’d be able to sleep. But by the time he looked at the clock in his dream it was 5 AM and he had to be up. So, he slept through the night dreaming that he was tired and deprived of a full night’s sleep. I can see how that mindfuck’s one into being a little off the next day. He may still be in the dream. This may be a part of the dream. Because, yeah, I’m sure that Tully’s dreams include me typing out a recap at 10:30 at night.

But, wait, why was Ellis up extra early this morning? Well, he had a meeting at Devin’s school this morning with the Mummy, principle, teacher, therapist, and a couple of other people about how Devin is doing and talking about her future. So Daddy Ellis had to get the kiddies up early and get everyone where they needed to be so he could be at the meeting at school (which he doesn’t like going to, because no one likes going back to school). The meeting went well and left Ellis feeling good about things because his daughter is beautiful, smart, and talented and even though she has some trouble focusing on things, she can get back on track and her future will be sweet. At some point the Mummy tells Ellis that she can tell that Ellis is doing really well because of his therapy, which is such a great thing of her to say, and Tully chimes in his agreement. Because Ellis is awesome and all that hard work is paying off. More kiddie related stuff occurred involving Ellis laying down the law to his backseat mini-me’s, telling them that they would get 2 warnings when misbehaving and then the third time he had to say anything they would deal with the pre-set consequences. It was tested out when they were stuck in traffic for 2 hours and it worked, when Ellis told them the 2nd time to stop fighting he reminded them that one more time means bye bye Devin’s dollies and Tiggie’s skateboards for the whole weekend, so the rest of the ride was spent talking and playing games. This made Ellis happy because he was dreading taking things away from his kids, because he wants them to have fun and be happy and he was afraid of his resolve and ability to not fold when being buttered up by a pair of butter-up experts.

Ellis has reached the end of his 30 day self imposed sobriety and he is feeling really good about it. No, he did not spark up last night because he fell asleep on the couch and had his forehead licked by a bald pussy (ha), but maybe after he beats up Mike Jasper after the show he’ll go home and party a bit. Ellis says that he highly recommends going sober for 30 days if you’re really getting the inkling that maybe you are indulging too much (on whatever you choose to indulge in) because it’s hard to give something up and if you don’t buckle then you feel good accomplishing something without lying to yourself about it.

That somehow segued into Ellis telling everyone that he was attacked on twitter by a fat lady, presumably after his latest Dr. Drew HLN appearance repeated on TV, for his comment about fat people being scientifically proven to be more stupid than fit people. He could have made jokes at the lady, but he didn’t, because she would have taken him seriously and he isn’t that guy and he doesn’t wanna be mean (even if only joking) to someone that is going to take it to heart. He sort of regrets making the comment in the first place because he doesn’t want to be taken the wrong way and he doesn’t want to be mean to people, he just wants people to feel good and take care of themselves. Another twitter attack came from some random guy who somehow came across the infamous video of him being piss charged (I stole that from Adam who didn’t die, because it made me laugh) on Ellismania.com and called him out to Joe Rogan and Huffington Post for ‘bashing’ someone who was mentally disabled for being homophobic. We all know that that isn’t the case and isn’t the motive behind how Ellis reacted, he was just reacting to a, literally, insane situation and he was prepared to defend himself if need be. He wasn’t bashing the woman for the fun of it, he was asking not to be dissed and threatened and told the lady that if she came at him he would not hesitate to defend himself. Case closed. The only reason it wound up on video is because he always has his camera on him for Ellismania.com purposes, and after walking away he told the restaurant that she was next to that the authorities should be called and she needed to be admitted to a hospital. The tweet from the random guy did open Ellis’ eyes to the fact that most homeless people out there aren’t just drug addicts who couldn’t keep their addictions from ruining their lives, but that they have mental disorders which keep them from being able to function in society. It’s the sad truth that many homeless suffer from mental conditions and they aren’t getting any help, and Tully talks about how the only answer is for there to be more institutions to be built to help and home these people. Treatment for all- those who can be treated successfully get released and can become functioning members of society, and those that can’t need to be taken care of until they day. However, the government doesn’t seem to want to take these steps.

A caller named John calls the show to tell Ellis that he shouldn’t feel any regret over how he handled the situation as John has Manic Bipolar Disorder and has been in the situation where he was the crazy person and he is thankful for the people who were there to get him the help that he needed, even if it meant being hospitalized until he was stable again. John further went on to explain that Ellis is completely right about saying that fat people are, on average, not as smart as more fit people, so he shouldn’t feel bad about saying that either. He did offer the advice that maybe he should rephrase himself so it would be more clear that it’s not that fat people are stupid, it’s that because of their increased body mass, they aren’t getting the optimal amount of blood flow to their brains (since it’s busy oxygenating the rest of their body) and they have 15% less brainpower popping off as opposed to a person at their normal body weight. Good call, thanks John!!! Tully brings up that he found an article that talked about a study where a group of young people were given IQ tests and as they got older those with lower IQ’s are more likely to be obese as they grow up and those with higher IQ’s tend to be more fit. So the question still remains: does being fat make you stupid, or does being stupid make you fat? And it’s not to say that thin people are all geniuses and fat people are all morons- it’s about the averages. Tully brings up that Mayor Ford up in Canada may be an amazing level of reckless but he had to have been smarter than the average bear to get there in the first place, and Chris Christie (NJ Governer) is a front runner for the next presidential race. Ellis doesn’t think that America is going to have a fat president because appearing presidential doesn’t include being fat, and Tully points out that the last seriously overweight president was William Taft about a hundred years ago. Because, you know, it’s all about looking presidential…it’s not about the issues or anything crazy like that.

Coming back from the break Ellis and Tully want to talk about McDonald’s and the fast food workers purported strike and protests which were supposed to occur today (although I don’t know if any actually did) and this is an issue that they talked about a couple of months ago when the word started getting around that the minimum wage workers at McDonald’s wanted more money because 7 bucks an hour is not a livable wage no matter where you are in America. It was a super long segment and I’m gonna do my best to sum it up quickly because it was a lot of repeating of what was said the last time all of this was discussed. SO. No one on the show is an economist (and I’m not sure how many listeners are either) so they aren’t trying to have the answers. All they are doing is agreeing is that there is a problem. People who are working full time in menial jobs (not just fast food workers, but anyone who works full time hours and can’t make ends meet) deserve to make a wage that pays the bills and puts food on the table and in many jobs this is just not the case. There must be something that can be done on a corporate level to change this. The working middle class and the poor are facing a gap that’s larger than ever between them and the super rich (who just keep getting richer) and something has to be changed. There were a lot of callers who threw in their two cents and a lot of people were tweeting their opinions (shout out to @bitpimps and @mike_in_canada who didn’t have their noses up Tully and Ellis buttcrack for once…lmao) because it’s an issue that everybody feels passionately about. Ellis wants everyone to basically boycott fast food like McDonald’s and Chik Fil A since they are shit for you health wise and because they shit on the people who work for them. They both want people to be able to live. Fast food is a cog in the machine, they sort of need to be there, but there has to be a way to make it all work. The end. That’s all i’m saying here (even though I will say I do feel a blog coming on for Filterlessness).

Now, for some Cock News. Cialis is the shit! Apparently, you only need a half of one unless your junk is totally broken. Take a half of one of those puppies for a special occasion, go into bat-mode, and get your freak on. Back in 1983 there was a Urologist at a good old fashioned Urology convention who decided to do a presentation about the future of treatments for erectile dysfunction- that one day people would be able to take a pill and get hard. He then proceeded to share his discovery of a current treatment for erectile dysfunction which includes injecting a muscle relaxant directly into the penis making you hard for hours. He performed it on himself before beginning the lecture and stepped out from behind the podium, dropped his pants, and then urged members of the audience to experience the effectiveness by touching it. Women screamed and presumably ran from the building crying and scratching their eyeballs out because it was 1983. Finally…someone came across an article regarding how individual US States measure up…so to speak…and tweeted it to Tully which he gracefully stole and claimed as his own. Yeah, it was me. You’re welcome, Tully. The biggest dicks in the country belong to the men in the great state of North Dakota and the smallest peckers are hanging out in Mississippi…if you wanna know where your state lies click on the link.

In the spirit of charity, Ellis and Tully came up with a way to make some money for a charitable donation….TJES calendars!!! The calendars will feature members of the staff as well as friends from the show and all proceeds (not any of the Kim Kardashian percentage bullshit) will be donated to a charitable organization that wants their money. The calendar will feature Ellis, Tully, Jetta, Wilson, Katie, and (so long as they consent) Dingo, Jude, Johanna, Butterballs, Cumtard, and Christian in various scenarios including Wilson in a vat of beans with a confederate flag lanyard, Christian as Mr. Clean, Dingo as Princess Leia (complete with the buns), and Jetta in a bikini washing his Jetta. So many callers offered up wonderful ideas, and there was much protesting from Wilson about being in his vat of beans, even though it was he who suggested it in the first place.

Mike Jasper is in the studio (although at first he couldn’t get in) and they come back from the break talking about how people in Manhattan Beach are harassing Great White Sharks. Yes, you read that correctly, PEOPLE are going into the water to bully the SHARKS. Ellis is all for it, because then maybe the sharks will tell each other to lay off eating humans for a bit, and Tully is now convinced that when he was at a beach one town over that he did, in fact, see a shark. In other, much more sad news, a 9 year old boy in Compton was shot and killed in a drive-by, which sucks balls. Why is it always that innocent victims seem to be the victims instead of the targets when these guys are supposed to be gangster? Probably because they are asshole pussies who do it from far away.

Wrapping up the show Tully brings up that they are thinking about doing a new segment which involves them watching ridiculous television shows and then letting us know what they think of them, so they asked for listeners to tweet some suggestions for shows to watch, and then they were going to move on to the next segment. But they never got to the next segment as the phones began lighting up with suggestions from listeners who weren’t listening. But the guys didn’t mind and Tully compiled a list of shows for them to watch, and they decided to start with watching Turtle Man, which is a show about a backwoods man who does animal control with his bare hands and two teeth- suffering all the bites and spit along the way. Time for final calls? Yes, but no, because Adam is on the line waiting to not die and Ellis doesn’t wanna talk to anyone else because everyone really enjoyed the job that Adam did yesterday, and he did a fine job as well today.

Things we learned on the show today:

Porto’s is going to bring Ellis free pastries

Don’t dwell on your issues- do something about them

The 10s are pitting the 2s and 3s against the 1s

Ellis didn’t get the mummified 2 headed rabbit off Etsy :(

The Used gave a shout-out to DDD on twitter

A skinny neck means you probably have a skinny dick

Ellis was going to be a gigolo until Tony Hawk got him a job in radio

The Crocodile Hunter probably should have died wayyyyy before he died

Ellis is NOT GETTING FUCKING SICK

Coppertone has the most wide spread pedophillic ad of all time

Ellis goes around curing Koala’s of herpes

Friday night fights will be on Friday nights

Ellis will be on HLN with Dr. Drew again next Thursday

Don’t try to steal painkillers from 75 year old cancer patients

You can bid to hang out with Ellis for charity on charitybuzz.com and for a chance to prove you’re as cool as Betsey

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Posted on December 4, 2013 by jenni_mazky

I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.

But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.

Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.

Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.

Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.

You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.

May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.

The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.

Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.

Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.

The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.

Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.

Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:

a copper meditation pyramid for $55
a claw predator ring for $125
a Haitian VooDoo penis enlargement charm for $9.87
a banana woman love doll (that you shouldn’t wash) for $700
a 7 1/2 inch Hentai Dildo with suction cups for $60
a dolphin stuffie with vagina for $33
a raccoon penis bone for $9.95
an heirloom custom seashell craft for $10
a mummified two headed rabbit for $40
a photo plate featuring a hawk eating a sea lion placenta for $69.99
a faux fur fox tail butt plug for $54.99
a padlocked Doritos locos taco for $55
a jar of human toenails for $25
a ‘Roshanda’ (penis titty with human and fur hair and teeth) for $95
a graduation day penis sculpture for $25
a crocheted pair of Adam and Eve for $75

How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).

Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.

Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.

And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.

Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves

Ellis relates to engines

Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday

Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys

Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife

Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number

Protest the war, not the warriors

Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better

People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree

What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis

Ellismania.com has new videos up

Abe isn’t there for final calls

Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics

Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist

Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao

Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

Posted on November 7, 2013 by jenni_mazky

I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds. A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

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Show Recap for Thursday 12/19/2013

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

Show Recap for Thursday 12/5/2013

Show Recap Wednesday 12/4/2013

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013