From somewhere near Beverly Hills…it’s the Jason Ellis Show!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! And I am going to take the time to apologize if any of you reading this at some point go ‘she’s talking about shit out of order’ because life sucks sometimes and you listen to the show out of order and the SiriusXM app hates your life. Also, sometimes people call you instead of calling the fire department when the carbon monoxide alarm goes off. Because they’re stupid.
The show opened up today with the wise words of Ellis, “Heyyyyyy…welcome,” and I am sure that future generations will remember him as a great speaker and philosopher. But yeah, it’s one of the reasons that we love him, right? Anyway…he doesn’t usually get into the whole singing Christmas carols thing cause he’s a tough cool guy and tough cool guys don’t sing Christmas carols at preschool Christmas carol sing a longs. This morning Ellis and Katie met mummy at Tiger’s school for what was supposed to be a Holiday themed concert where Ellis would get to sit back and relax and listen to Tiger and a bunch of other four year olds sing Christmas carols and Hannukah songs and eat cakes, but it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, Andrea had told him that there would be snacks there for consumption so he didn’t eat a lot of breakfast, but when he went to take some of the snacks a teacher (who was clearly drunk on the power of bossing around 4 year olds all day long) told him that he had to wait until after the performance and Ellis felt like a dick because he already had the plate in his hand. But whatever. Then, the parents assembled for the concert were informed that it would be less like a concert and more like a sing a long and Ellis groaned and said that he wasn’t going to sing, because he’s too cool for that shit. That lasted for about a minute until the kids came out and Tiger came up to him and told him that he wanted Daddy Ellis to come and sit in the circle with him and sing along. Ellis couldn’t say no so he handed the video camera over to Katie for her to capture the moment. And that’s when shit started to get awkward. It’s no secret that Ellis and his ex-wife actually get along and are friendly to each other, and that Katie is in on it also because she is awesome. Ellis sometimes gets weirded out by that since it will randomly occur to him that he has had sex with the two people standing next to each other and laughing at his jokes, but the awkward got pushed to another level when Mummy came to sit next to him and Tiger and carol along while Katie filmed them. Ugh. Ellis didn’t know what to say about that whole thing other than, “Well that was awkward,” but it seems that Katie took the whole thing in stride and didn’t cause a fuss about it. Tully points out that Ellis is lucky that he gets along with his ex, and that Katie gets along with her too, and that maybe he can have the best of both worlds and down the road it won’t be so awkward. Ellis agrees and says that time heals all wounds and while shit gets kinda awkward now, down the line it will probably be less so.
The other side of that same coin, are parents who have a baby together and break up or get divorced (because seriously, more people are getting knocked up out of wedlock than ever before) and then one parent starts a new family and treats the new kids like they are made of gold and treats their ummmm….old (?) kid like they have leprosy and are coated in a thick layer of dog poop. And yeah, Ellis and Tully both agree that if you do that, you are a dick bag. They talk mostly about the father’s being the ones who are doing all of the bad, and say that people like that are more evil than the assholes who are mean to everybody, because being mean to one of your kids in favor of your new kids with a new lady is next level evil shit and you should just have the worst shit happen to you at that point. Tully does touch on the fact that there are mothers that do it too, that it’s not always the men, and since you’re reading this you have to listen to my opinion/experience on the subject which is: yeah, bitches do it too, which to me is a little worse since that little person came out of you and I do deal with a baby momma from fucking hell and the worst part is that she doesn’t even have another kid yet. She couldn’t care less about her kid in favor of her fucking lame-ass boyfriend. So yeah, bitches suck just as hard, and sometimes it’s a little more next next level evil douchebaggery.
The guys also get onto the subject of old people having kids and how old is too old to have a baby, because people are pushing them out older and older these days. So, how old is too old? Ellis thinks that if you wanna have a baby you should prolly at least have a good twenty years left on this Earth so that you can play with them and impart your knowledge and get to watch them grow up for the most part. But, how can you figure on having 20 more years on the planet when we all know that tomorrow is never a guarantee? Tully says that yeah, you can’t say that you will definitely get through tomorrow, but you know around how old your relatives are/were when they died (and if you don’t know off-hand the information is generally pretty easy to come by) so there is a good yardstick for some guesstimation. There are a lot of risks with being older and getting pregnant- after some googling done by Jetta we learn that the incidence of having a baby with down syndrome, ectopic pregnancies, and miscarriages drastically increase- but if you want a baby, then (as a caller suggested) you just gotta roll with the punches because the reward is worth the risk involved. As for worrying about having a baby with Down Syndrome…what’s the harm in that? Ellis and Tully both think that babies with Down Syndrome are delightful, though there is definitely a lot more work and a lot longer of a parent commitment involved. Also, you can always adopt a baby if you’re older and too worried about the risk and too worried about your older body not bouncing back the way that it would have when you were 20, and there are tons of babies out there looking to be adopted and you will change that baby’s life for the better.
Back from the break we learn that people in Washington State are allowed to smoke weed legally and have been able to for over a year now. So yeah, that’s not really news…what is news is the mammoth amount of fucking weed the people in Washington State imbibed over the past year. It was estimated (I guess at the beginning of the year) that the residents number 6.8 million would consume approximately 85 metric tons of weed over the course of the year. Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was that Washington State residents used over 185 metric tons of marijuana. That’s more than double if you suck at math and were wondering, or 50 joints per resident (man, woman, and child) over the course of the year. Holy shit. They must be some happy, relaxed motherfuckers. No wonder they see sparkly vampires. In other news, Rude Jude, who we all know and love wrote a book and it has officially been released so you should probably go out and buy it!!! Wilson has read a few of the stories in the book and says that he is going to buy a copy even though he already got one for free, because Jude is awesome and his book Hyena will hopefully get on the NY Times Bestseller list with some help from Ellisfam. I know that I’m going to hit up the bookstore to see if I can land myself a copy tomorrow.
The guys also did assign some Wolfknives names and I’m generally really good at listing them all and doing a little welcome paragraph, but my listening was so fucked up today and I didn’t write them all down but the ones that I remember are Bo Jangles, God Satan, Maccordian, Dick-Fil-A, Low Carb Andy, Fish Lightening, and Electric Boogalou (thanks Hubbs). Welcome to the Wolfknives guys, and if I didn’t remember you and you happen to be reading this, feel free to leave a comment with your name so I can look at it and feel bad about myself (but not really:)
Back from another break, which may or may not have been before or after the previous break, we learn that a Calgary Man named Tom Crist who subscribes to play the lottery on a yearly basis actually won a $40 million jackpot, which is a shit ton of money that I would probably do really immoral things for. What is this Canadian going to do with all of that cash? Why, he is going to donate every cent to charity, of course, cause he’s Canadian and that shit would never happen in America. It is true that the man is retired after selling a multi-million dollar company and who admittedly has already made sure that he and his children are taken care of, but the real reason that this man felt compelled to donate this absurd amount of money was his wife sadly passed away two years ago after a battle with cancer, and he wants the money to go towards cancer research as well as benefit the hospital that she received her treatment at. His kids are cool with his decision too, which we know because one of them called the show. Seriously. And Ellis thinks no one listens. The son of a multi millionaire listens. His name is Robbie and he talked about how he’s a good boy, has punched a guy out of a bar for shit talking his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child, and couldn’t be happier that his father is donating the money and feels that it is what his mom would have wanted. It is easy to say that there should be more people like this man and his family in the world so we could finally achieve world peace.
Time for a highbrow segment…but first, Vanessa has Fauxnuts. Cumtard, who is now in the studio, has never had one before and Tully doesn’t want to tell him what it is before he tries it because he doesn’t want Kevin’s tasters to go in biased. Cumtard likes the fauxnut and Tully proceeds to tell him that it is an everything free donut and it’s good for you (or at least not as bad since it still has sugary goodness) but Wilson didn’t like it. Will clarifies that he thinks that they are okay- they are really good for a healthy food and not so good for a junkfood food. Listening to them eat fauxnuts made me want a donut. Will asks the guys if they had a billion dollars at what age Ellis and Tully would hand money over to their kids and how much money they would give them. Ellis said he would pay for his kids education for sure, and if they were going to college and not fucking around he would buy them a car, but beyond that they would have to commit to partaking in some ridiculous obstacle course which included beating him in a lap of something (that something being heavily weighed in his favor) if they wanted any more. At some point in all of this they also did Tard That Tune, and I’m pretty sure that it was around here somewhere since Will stayed in the studio. It was Tard That Tune Volume 3 and proved to be challenging, not only because Kevin decided to throw in a bunch of weird 80’s tracks, but also because for some of them he was too high to realize that the sounds he was making made absolutely no sense in the song. And yeah…his neighbors probably think that he is absolutely insane.
There is some talk about fucking old guys, but not just any old guys, FAMOUS old guys. Because I mean, if you’re gonna be a guy and fuck an old guy and you aren’t gay, then he should probably be famous. The general consensus after some discussion was that they would all fuck Sean Connery and they would brag to each other about it. Why? Probably because Connery is the bad ass of bad assery, he was James Bond, he pulls off being so old that his whole head is just patterned facial hair, and fucking him would kind of just make you more manly. Who are some of the rejects? Sir Ian McKellen was a big NO, Sly Stallone did not make the cut, neither did the governator, or Clint ‘My Face is Falling Off’ Eastwood. There was an argument to be made for Harrison Ford, because hello Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Jack Ryan, but Tully feels like he got prematurely old and crotchety. Fuck you Tully, Harrison Ford basically tops my list for ANY celebrity I would fuck, young or old because he is fucking awesome. For the record I would also do Sean Connery. And Bruce Willis, but he wasn’t brought up cause he isn’t 70 yet.
The guys wrap up the show with a brand new segment that was so amazing it lasted over an hour and a half and became final calls and had everyone calling the show with stories about the dumbest things that they have ever done. Not…not dumb…straight up life-threateningly, fire hazard, ball ripping, dick slicing, car crashingly stupid. Tully opens the segment up with a tale from his adventures in cross country barefoot road tripping where he and his friends went hopping around Chicago looking to buy some weed. Long story short, he got mugged twice and probably should have been killed twice, but got to keep his wallet and a shred of his dignity as well as having an awesome story to tell for years to come. Wilson regaled us with the story of how he threw an M80 into an oil barrel in his father’s shop that was filled with flammable liquid and the resulting blow (after he peeped in to see what was taking so long) singed off his eyebrow, melted his eyelashes together, and straight up blew his eyeball into a big red mess with no decipherable pupil or iris. Kevin kept a journal as a 13 year old boy. Even more stupid than that he wrote about his first sexual conquest in excruciating detail and his mom found it. Ellis wasn’t really sure what the stupidest thing he has ever done was, but eventually comes up with the time that he punched a beer mug and sliced up his hands and needed stitches and then couldn’t straighten his arms or skate properly. The phones wouldn’t stop on this subject and it would take me a good hour and a half to share all of the gloriously stupid stories that people called in with, so I’m gonna only do a couple:
When Jordan was 13 years old he decided to do his mom a favor and install the electric can opener that had been sitting around unopened for a month. Wanting to test it out he tried it on the only can that he could find, which just so happened to be a can of spray paint. After he punctured the spray paint can it exploded all over the kitchen, including into an outlet, which set the kitchen and his arms on fire. The good news is that he managed to get the kitchen fire out all by himself, but he did wait until after the fire in the kitchen was out before putting his arms out and he wound up in the hospital for a few days with 3rd degree burns.
Clayton ran himself over when he was 16 and drunk. He first crashed his car into a ditch and telephone combo to avoid hitting another car. He returned to his buddy’s house rather than continue his 5 minute journey home, forgot to put his car in park, and when it started to roll toward his buddy’s house he decided to try and stop it with his body, getting pinned between his car and his pal’s house at 2 in the morning, breaking his leg.
Dennet exploded summercamp latrines at the age of 13 and managed to explode one into his face. So he set his face on fire and had scorched shit stuck to his face, in his mouth, up his nose, and in his eyes. All because the explosion was taking longer than usual, he didn’t wanna look dumb in front of his friends, and he stuck his face over the hole to see what was going on.
Wayne married the same lady three times.
A caller crashed his car off of a cliff while trying to run over a slug.
Another caller shot himself through the knee with a hollowpoint while cleaning his gun…drunk.
And Frankendick. Good old Frankendick. He tablesawed the base of his cock. Oh dear god.
Some things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:
It’s hard to know how loudly to sing Happy Birthday at little kid parties, unless it’s your kid
40 is not old enough to give up on your body
Ellis would adopt a kid if he were rich
There is hope for Ellis not being a suspicious character since he started therapy
TLC used to be The Learning Channel, but now it’s just TLC because it is totally devoid of educational value and is the home of Honey Boo Boo and the future home of Sex Sent Me To The ER
A 440lb man on Long Island fucked his girlfriend through a wall (and lost his virginity at the same time)
Cumtard needs to stick to one Metal band on his clothes at a time
Cumtard: He’s full of cum, he’s a tard, he eats his farts
Tully wants to start a mouth band
Science will one day make Nerds candy healthy
Kelly Lebroc got a DUI from eating chocolate liquors
Will’s attitude is in his face and Ellis doesn’t like it
Cumtard accidentally maced himself
Don’t play with fire while drunk
Don’t play/clean guns while drunk
Don’t drive while drunk
Don’t play with any sort of power/hand tool while drunk
TJES listeners have done some amazingly stupid things
Tully is betting on Humankind
Ellis wants gold nipples
P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ellisfam!!!! <3
and you know, belated Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you fuckers are into like Yuletide and Ramadan, and…shit. Love you all!!!