Well, hello there! It’s time for the terrible recap of an awesome show. Now spin around and let me chuck it in your dumper. Ellis was offered either a hand job or an invitation to an illegal dice game from a lady at a convenience store today. She was an old Asian lady (Either 50 or 80 years old, you can’t tell with those ones) so she was probably trying to offer him a hand job. At first, Ellis was thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll go get a sandwich and a hand job before work tomorrow!” Sweet deal, the Wing will be nice and relaxed tomorrow. Welllll maybe not because he took it to a dark place where he remembered older ladies jerking him off when he was a kid so it’s probably best he doesn’t do that.

Whatchoo know bout donkey sex? A village in Colombia knows a shitload more than you, dude. Rude Jude stopped in for the conversation about how a catholic village in Colombia has deemed it acceptable for young boys to fuck donkeys to release the evil seed inside their bodies instead of using a woman, or I don’t know, a hand. In any case, being good Catholics, the boys only fucked girl donkeys so it wasn’t gay at all. It turns out presenting your penis to a donkey’s vagina is a good way to find out if they are straight. If they kick you when you penetrate the donkey vagina it means they are a full on carpet munching dyke monster. If you do find yourself a nice hot donkey slut, keep in mind they are gonna be a little hotter than a human. Donkey body temperature runs around 100-102 degrees, so according to Jude it’ll be like fucking a chick when she is sick and has that sweet flu pussy. Another bit I learned from Jude and Ellis during this break was that Anthrax and AIDS comes from humans fucking cows.

Ellis wasn’t on Dr. Drew last night because of the State of the Unicorn address and in other news a kid got high on some Meow Meow and cut off his dick after he stabbed his Mom over the holidays.  Jude says he has heard of it, no surprise there, but hasn’t done it. Creigh Deeds was a brief thing, go listen to it here and Jude gave us a little shout out on the show for the interview bitpimps set up and we all put together that you can see here. Tired of links? Me too!

Legendary musician and top 10 Jason Ellis show guests B Real was on the show today. They briefly discussed a little bit of Bieber shit and how Nick Carter was talking shit on Bieber because Carter tried to Bieber before Bieber was Bieber so Bieber should respect the Carter for Biebering so he could Bieber.

B Real is looking fitter and buffer these days, so he is staying on his crazy cross fit workouts he was just getting into the last time he was on. Ellis jokingly said he should fight in Ellismania and without a breath or a beat B Real spit out the name: Anthony Kiedis, the lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers if you don’t know. Apparently B Real and Anthony Kiedis have some sort of unspoken beef for years, mostly from Kiedis’ side. Instances like B Real attempting to shake Kiedis’ hand, and Kiedis’ looking at it and turning the other way. Dick move, especially to a guy like B Real who seems like the most laid back dude ever. The guys recounted the results of the Chronic Colonic with B Real who was instrumental in the brain storming process of shoving smoke in Cumtards ass. They shot the shit about rappers and B Real’s Phuncky Feel Tips, glass mouth pieces for your marijuana cigarette puffing needs. I used a rough version of one of these way back in the day made by a dude that blew glass for The Grateful Dead, and the conversation made me miss drugs. Ahhh drugs, you should have ruined my life more than you did. Oh and before B Real left Ellis said the best hand job (Holy shit I’ve typed hand job a lot today) would be from Sharon Osbourne and Kris Jenner simultaneously. The point being that that is a POWERFUL hand job my friend. Ellis seems to think Sharon would give the better handy, but I disagree. I think Kris Jenner has more experience because she has had to jerk off a shit load of people to get her and her daughters as famous as they are, and Sharon just had to almost get stabbed and blow a junkie every now and then.

HOLY FUCKING SEGUE MOTHERFUCKERS! The natural progression of dual witch hand jobs led to the resurgence of a long dead segment called WORLD’S GREATEST WEDNESDAY MOTHERFUCKERS! What exactly is the World’s greatest hand job combination with the best consequences? Need an example? How hot would it be if Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow had to jerk you off, and whoever did it best would win a prize. In this instance, Madonna would get 20 years knocked off of her face and Gwyneth Paltrow could be relevant again. One suggestion I made, which was discussed on air was @Mike_in_Canada and @bitPimps and the one who stroked my meaty uncircumcised penis the best would get the open seat on the Jason Ellis Show. Tully brought it up and Ellis thought they would be fighting over it too much and would be too violent with his penis. Let me state for the record that I would be ecstatic to get that hand job. I would pay for that hand job. I would drive a day and stay in a shitty hotel for that hand job, because those two sweet boys would be like Eminem at the end of 8 Mile preparing for my shaft, and they would lose themselves servicing it. That’s the kind of passion you cannot teach, God damnit. That being said, here are the “results” of the “World’s Greatest Wednesday”:

10. Linda McCartney/Heather Mills

9. Sharon Osbourne/Kris Jenner

8.Madonna/Paltrow

7. Venus/Serena Williams

6. Queen Elizabeth/Kate Middleton (While grandson/husband Harry watches)

5. Tanya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan (Winner gets a gold medal. Not Olympic, just a medal)

4. Khloe/Kourtney Kardashian (Winner gets to wear Kim’s skin for the rest of their lives)

3. Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston (Winner gets Brad Pitt, Loser gets the adopted children)

2. Nicole Kidman/Katie Holmes (While Tom Cruise watches and they talk a ton of shit to him)

1. Ronda Rousey/Miesha Tate (Winner gets the UFC Women’s belt)

So there you have it folks, Ronda Rousey and Miesha Tate jerking you off could be the best hand job ever. Personally, I could leave Miesha out of it because she looks confused all the fucking time and I don’t like people looking at my dick like that. Plus I would hope the hand job with Ronda would escalate to actual sex and she could throw my white ass around and do some crazy judo stuff to my penis. I gotta go, I’ve got….a penis to masturbate.

Happy Wednesday everyone and welcome to the recap of what is now being called The Legal Fuck Show! What exactly does that mean? Who the fuck knows? Jason sure doesn’t and he’s the one who said it. In any case, they made Wilson come in and sing some stuff about the show thus far in the newest segment: Make Will sing stuff about the show. Oh and Will’s one man band is now called HateBean It totally pays off too because later in the show, The Jingleberries turned around some sweet fucking tunes that will be played on the show for weeks, so it’s best you know why. Now have I done my god damned job according to you? Remember Tyler Posey? Well MTV.Com posted a story about how TyPo is going to play Keytar for D!D!D! sometime in the near future. Efforts to reach TyPo were stifled by his management when no response was given to Mr. Teen Wolf. Typo seems like a cool dude but I wouldn’t be surprised if MTV didn’t want their heart throb centerpiece playing a shitty instrument on a song called “CuntKicker”

In Hollywood news….oh hold on a second….Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood came on the show today. They discussed the usual kids and therapy and whatnot. I drifted in and out but then someone mentioned gay porn and I was glued to the speaker for the next hour. Apparently a kid in Florida was kicked out of school because he did some gay porn to help his family out with bills. Just how much does one get paid to do gay porn? According to the callers, Joanna Angel and Jetta, a gay porn can earn you anywhere from $500-$10,000 so feel free to gamble on your sweet ass. Supposedly gay for pay guys get paid more, and if you are a D list celebrity (Pauly Shore) you can get paid a lot of money for being a top in a gay porn.

Hollywood News, Madonna…Oh wait, hold on a second. They got derailed again. Would you date a porn star? Would it be too hard knowing she was getting plowed every day all day taking countless loads to the face, or would you be into it? I didn’t write much else down so you’re gonna have to fuck yourself.

Hollywood news at long last! Madonna says nigga either because she is cool and ahead of the curve or thinks she is ahead of the curve but is actually just offensive. I couldn’t give a shit about Madonna, all I know is she is a dried up old hag who is 98%vein. Quentin Tarantino’s next movie won’t be released because somebody leaked the script which is all kinds of awesome. He’s a weird dude though. Have their been a lot of super successful American Idol winners? Who cares? That show is ending after this year. Lemmy has stopped drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes, and is instead only drinking red wine and has slowed WAY down on his speed usage. Good for him.

Look, I know I didn’t do a great recap today, and I may have left some stuff out. But hey, fuck off. Look, I wrote almost 600 more words about this show than your fuckin ass. Fuck yourself. FUCKPKDFDJAFkillyourtvlkJFAJFOWQEFJ

Before we begin, let me take a moment to congratulate friend of the show and obviously huge NYA fan @emilyinSD A.K.A. Sexual Bowling Ball on the bun of Will Pendarvis bread she is currently cooking in her oven. If you are having trouble coming up with a name, might I suggest this handy dandy name generator?

A silky smooth good evening to you, mongrels. Dudes, have you ever shaved your legs? Jason did this morning and he’s got his leggings on and he is feeling fast and free. I shaved my balls once, and when it grew back the next day it felt like my dick was wearing a cactus for a scarf. Ellis says he thinks Tyler Posey being on the show got him more followers on twitter than any person who has been on the show before. I have to say Tyler was a pretty cool guest, and if you haven’t heard that show I recommend it for On Demand or catch it on Best of.

Piranhas are bullshit! The King and Queen of the West are calling out Piranhas on being the savage creatures who tear apart cows and will rip you to shreds. But upon further interweb investigation, it turns out Piranhas aren’t worth a damn unless you want to slowly pick apart a frog. Tully figured out the myth around Piranhas is because the world was never as connected as it is today, and stories about monsters in the river used to be believed because nobody could prove it. Speaking of piranhas, and pulling legs off of frogs for that matter, Tully used to have piranha and he was told to feed goldfish to it to make them aggressive. Ellis and Tully exchanged stories of having mice and gerbils who ate each other and fucked each other and ate the babies. Tully says he is surprised his parents didn’t think he was a serial killer. Fun Fact: when I was a kid I collected as many salamanders as I could in this little yellow plastic box. I must have had 40 of them in there for about 3 days. I left them outside and when I went to check on them in the morning, and they were eating each other’s tails and feet and stuff. I wanted to put them out of their misery, so I boiled some water and brought it outside and dumped them in it. They went stiff as a board instantly, and I dumped them in the creek behind my house. Ahhh, memories. I was a good kid.

Ready for my first day of school, Mom!

One of my favorite guests of all, Frank Decaro stopped by the show today. They caught up a bit on the state of their dogs, and shot the shit before they got into the heavy stuff. They started talking about the Razzies before they got off on a tangent about Frank fucking a desk chair when he was a young boy. Through organic conversation this brought back the fabled “What Have You Fucked?” segment of the Jason Ellis show. And I would never suspect for a moment that you twisted sons of bitches(yes coming from Salamander Hitler over here)would disappoint me. You, the Jason Ellis fan base are associated with champions who have fucked such things as a honey ham, bologna held to look like a vagina, the quintessential pool jets and couches, a snowman and a can of biscuits. The one that took the cake though was a guy who called in to say when he was 13 he had cancer and had a catheter in, so he couldn’t whack it. Then one day in the hospital, they took it out to change it and he wasted no time in grabbing the IV bags and squishing them around his cock and fucking it. When the nurse walked back in, he didn’t even stop and she said a nice “God Bless You.” Red Dragons to him and the nurse. Fun Fact: Fuck Biscuit is my pet name for your mom’s neck fat.

They played some game where they had to guess if something was a dating site or not. I didn’t listen because I got distracted by children. Not in that way. It’s my kid. Not that that would make it less creepy. Stop it. My kid demands attention and wants to be fed and shit so I had to turn off the show. No, you’re weird.

After the break, the guys talked Razzies for a minute, and realized a lot of it is just head hunting bullshit. Like constantly ragging on Nick Swardson and Adam Sandler because they don’t go outside the box any more. Razzies are lamer than the Oscars. Sandler rules. new movies kind of suck but Sandler rules.

*Update: I listened to it, and it was totally funny. On Demand because I’m lazy!

*Update: I listened to more and thought of a joke. One of the dating sites Tard brought up was SuperiorRace.com and Tully said it would be funny if it was some other race than white people, like they were just taking the throne. All I’d have to say is THANK YOU for the weight off my shoulders, other race. Oh!

So there was a song idea Jason had for Death Death Die! and he and Tully wanted to work it out on the show. The basic idea is that he wants it to be a metal song about doing crunches and burpees and eating celery. Tully fucked around with the guitar and the sound was all screwed up thanks to Cumtard and Will. QUIT SULKING AND START WORKING PENDARVIS!

Segways somehow got brought up according to my notes. And then it got onto golf carts. Golf clothes and golf culture are perfect for midgets incidentally. Golf as a physical game though, is probably not a lucrative career for a midget. There is no way a 3 foot dude is getting par, nor are they capable of climbing out of a sand trap. They’d just scramble on all fours while the earth around them just slipped away from them because they can’t grasp the needed amount friction to get out with their tiny sausage fingers.

Tully says hovercrafts aren’t really hovering. Yeah. But with help from Ellis, and a caller, Tully was proven wrong. Let me say on behalf of NYA: YOU SIR, ARE A MORON. How does it feel Dummy McDumbfuckberg? I bet you still sing the rabbit ears song when you tie your shoes you dumb, dumb Oxford graduate. Sorry Tully, but we don’t get the chance to do this very much. It’s a good thing you’re pretty.

Buy Rude Jude’s book here

Pre-Order Jason’s next book here

Hello and welcome to the first Wednesday recap of the new year. I hope my droning and awful recap makes you appreciate the people who do a great job on this site. Jason started the show talking about how he was thinking about getting a gun, but realized his awesome Onnit maces and bats would do some serious work on any intruder (provided the intruder didn’t have a gun). Tully had a different angle on weapons, he thinks that if you are going to get a weapon, you should take it account that the intruder may take it from you and then turn it on you. His solution is to lock yourself in your bedroom and tell them to take what they want, and hope they don’t rob you completely blind. I’m willing to give Tully more credit than that though, I think if someone broke into his house and he was wearing the right pair of heels, he could throw it at them hard enough to bruise them real bad. All hail, the Queen in the west.

God knows why, but Ellis did a photo shoot for The Wall Street Journal today. The boys talked a bit about the Agenda trade show. Ellis felt like he was back in school and a lot of people he wanted to see didn’t want to see him or stop by the show and it all felt really weird. The chicks were hot though, so that made the trip mostly worth while. Speaking of hot chicks, Tully is finding himself increasingly attracted to Ethiopian chicks because they are ridiculously skinny but they are packing DAT ASS, SON! Oh, speaking of guests on yesterday’s show, Cumtard got an email from a chick who wanted to be on the show named Debbie Cakes. Long story short, Kevin replied “Who is that?” thinking they were just snack cakes and then never got a reply. Well apparently Debbie Cakes is a rapper by the name of Lil’ Debbie and she runs with Creashawn and Riff Raff and Andy Milonakis, meaning she would probably be a good guest. There was some debate on whether or not Snack Cake rapper lady should have emailed him back but in the end, who gives a shit?

Travis Pastrana called in to talk about the travelling Nitro Circus, his concussions and sending cripples, couches and women off ramps and stuff. Ellis learned about a burrito vending machine, and later on Jetta ran to the machine to bring them back to the guys. Tully was sketchy on his Chorizo burrito and didn’t finish it, but Ellis was pumped on his chicken one. The very idea of a burrito vending machine is freaking amazing. Granted, as Tully pointed out, you are eating a microwave burrito but still the fact remains: Burrito vending machine.

Walt Disney wrote a letter to Meryl Streep saying he wouldn’t hire her dumb Jewish ass because women are stupid.

Shark news was largely about how the shark news intro kind of sucks, so Ellis made Will come in to do a new intro. Turns out being an angry shark is very therapeutic for Will, and he is probably going to get into shark cosplay as soon as he gets a girl he doesn’t have to drug and/or bludgeon with a cinderblock. The real shark news was Leonardo Dicaprio told a story on Ellen about one time he was in a cage feeding sharks and one got through the cage and chomped at him a bit, but it was probably bullshit.

Wolfknives names were handed out on air today for a handful of lucky new members. Unluckily, however, this is Wednesday, so if you were hoping I wrote any of them down you are going to be more disappointed than Cumtard’s family is about his existence.

Dennis Rodman story we’ve all heard. The guys talked about North Korea and how there are roving packs of naked feral children attacking people and stealing food. The kids don’t know how to speak any language and are completely cut off from society. Seriously, one of the most fucked up countries on Earth. And when that doughy, lumpy-headed sack of shit(Kim Jong Un) finally catches some shrapnel in his gut and bleeds out like the pig he is, we are going to learn so much more about this twisted little corner of the world.

Next up was a Shocking Movie Review with Kevin Kraft. In case you don’t know this segment, Kevin puts on a shock collar and attempts to review a new movie. The catch is that Tully puts together a list of words he can’t say during the review or else he gets shocked. Today’s movie was The Wolf of Wall Street starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Jonah Hill and directed by Martin Scorcese. The words he couldn’t say were: Money, stock, wall, street, wolf, Leonardo, Jonah, parties, drinking, Scorcese, movie, boat, cocaine, boobs, tits, hour, guy, champagne, or hair. Between the fits of howling and screaming, the Cumtard said it was a damn good movie though.

Google auto complete game was played, so if you like that segment check on demand, because it’s a hard one to recap. Juggalos are now considered a gang by the federal government, and it’s either a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you ask. But Jason and Tully eventually concluded it was a good thing, because if Juggalos are doing shit to get themselves arrested, then fuck them. To make matters worse, people wouldn’t stop calling about the God damn Juggalos, no matter how many times the guys tried to change the topic. And with that, Jason tried to turn final calls over to the listeners again and it just sort of ended. I don’t particularly care for any of the regular guys who recap the show, mostly because they do a better job than I do. Fuck you, guy. But those guys are better than the shitheads who don’t know what to do and just want to hear themselves on the radio. I’ve taken to calling it the Final Call Fizzle because I’m such a clever fucking douche. Speaking of not knowing how to come to a satisfying ending…

It’s Wednesday today for just a few more hours and Wednesday is an ok day to die. Or something. Ellis was rambling about some shit and I couldn’t follow too closely because DAMN this beer has a high alcohol percentage. WOO! And I am writing this all kinds of out of order because the show came on demand late AGAIN (CULLEN!) and I heard the show out of order. Katie is in studio today, so we go to hear her little giggle and off color comments all day. And it was pretty awesome. I’d vote her in for the open chair. Her or Jude. They should fight to the death. A real cat woman that’s 50/50 cat and woman would be totally hot to bone all the time, but the relationship would be based on sex and spooning. Dog woman would be disgusting, as demonstrated below. There was a whole long conversation on what the best sexualized animal would be. Tully argued there was no way to sexually improve on Dolphins and I sort of agree which makes me feel weird.

Tully made it known to Ellis that he had been holding onto his balls for some time during the show now. At first I thought Tully was finally making his move and presenting his balls to Ellis, sexually. But after a brief blackout, I pulled my car back onto the road and Cumtard was in studio, and everyone had their hands on their junk, and in Will’s case, up his butt. I thought for a moment I had been transported to radio heaven, but alas, itom was for a new level of disgusting radio. Each of the gentleman holding their balls would offer a blindfolded Cumtarded their smelly fingers under his nose, and Cumtard had to guess who’s was who’s. Some smelled clean (Ellis), some smelled like butthole(Jetta), someone touched Cumtard’s lip (Tully) and one was an actual butthole (Kano, the hairless cat).  After Cumtard’s olfactory senses were effectively molested, a conversation about smelly balls and vaginas ensued complete with calls about dudes blowing man juices into their chick’s meat pocket. Katie has found that ethnic dudes have a more pungent nut odor from her research. That made Ellis very uncomfortable and I liked it.  Cumtard said the worst smell he could think of was the condom/cum/lady juice/sweat combo after a gross night of banging. Ellis then tried for 5 minutes to try and make Kevin explain this cocktail of sex fluids like he was explaining it to a child, so he couldn’t make it dirty, but he had to have adults understand it too. So it was basically Kevin stumble over gross new words for jism like “Bing Bing” for five minutes while everyone told him how gross he was. Later in the show, a couple of callers said that there is such a thing called “kamikaze sperm” that will stay in the vaginal cavity and attack any other sperm from someone else when they enter. Red. Dragons.

After the break, Shannon Gunnz came into the studio to get berated by Ellis for her taste in music. She had some new band’s debut album and they played a bit of it. The problem with it was that it was that same kind of generic butt rock you hear all day on any generic rock station. Think Breaking Benjamin, Creed, Five Finger Death Punch. Ellis pounded on just how lame the riff was, while Tully came at it saying that that kind of song had already been written and played so many times that at this point, it just shines like a bright light of unoriginality that is void of creativity. After making fun of her music, they had Gunnz do pushups and grunt and moan, and my penis started to flinch until they started asking her questions like “How do you play with your dog?” and she replied “I love my dog” and then it got weird. As far as hot chicks breathing into a mic, it wasn’t much of a go for me. Apparently when she left, Tully thought Gunnz seemed a little down. So after the break, they brought her back in and asked her If they bummed her out by making her do pushups or for ragging on her band. She said she was fine, but it definitely seemed like she was bummed. So they fake apologized, and she fake accepted and I fake orgasmed.

The Duck Dynasty dude is in trouble because he said that being gay was illogical according to the bible. So of course now a bunch of people are saying they should be kicked off the air because he disagrees. Look, yes I think his belief is misguided and ultimately incorrect, but, everyone is entitled to their opinion. Tully read the quote, and it wasn’t an outlandishly aggressive thing to say, he was just answering the question he was asked. Ellis is backing him, if that means anything. Even if what he says is a complete polar opposite to what Ellis thinks, he still feels he has the right to have it. Also, I am getting really sick of people losing their jobs for voicing their opinions just because it offends another group of people. And what did you think you were going to hear from a southern redneck type? It’s basically a 50/50 shot. You could have just looked at the dude and knew he didn’t like homosexuals. Either way, fuck off I don’t want to type this anymore.

Shia Labeouf plagiarized a comic book in a short film he made and then he had to apologize. Well, turns out he also plagiarized his apology from a Yahoo! answers page from 4 years ago. Props to Tully for calling this guy a dick bag for years, you totally called it dude.

Rob Dyrdek has a new show coming out on Xbox One because Xbox wants to be your everything. The show is a comedy about retired skateboarders annnnnnnndddd….Jason isn’t going to be in it. Probably won’t be any skateboarders in it, just actors playing skateboarders so look for that.

Anyway, that’s all I got folks. After the next two days, the show will be off for two weeks for the holiday. So merry Christmas and all that shit.