Hello and welcome to the first Wednesday recap of the new year. I hope my droning and awful recap makes you appreciate the people who do a great job on this site. Jason started the show talking about how he was thinking about getting a gun, but realized his awesome Onnit maces and bats would do some serious work on any intruder (provided the intruder didn’t have a gun). Tully had a different angle on weapons, he thinks that if you are going to get a weapon, you should take it account that the intruder may take it from you and then turn it on you. His solution is to lock yourself in your bedroom and tell them to take what they want, and hope they don’t rob you completely blind. I’m willing to give Tully more credit than that though, I think if someone broke into his house and he was wearing the right pair of heels, he could throw it at them hard enough to bruise them real bad. All hail, the Queen in the west.

God knows why, but Ellis did a photo shoot for The Wall Street Journal today. The boys talked a bit about the Agenda trade show. Ellis felt like he was back in school and a lot of people he wanted to see didn’t want to see him or stop by the show and it all felt really weird. The chicks were hot though, so that made the trip mostly worth while. Speaking of hot chicks, Tully is finding himself increasingly attracted to Ethiopian chicks because they are ridiculously skinny but they are packing DAT ASS, SON! Oh, speaking of guests on yesterday’s show, Cumtard got an email from a chick who wanted to be on the show named Debbie Cakes. Long story short, Kevin replied “Who is that?” thinking they were just snack cakes and then never got a reply. Well apparently Debbie Cakes is a rapper by the name of Lil’ Debbie and she runs with Creashawn and Riff Raff and Andy Milonakis, meaning she would probably be a good guest. There was some debate on whether or not Snack Cake rapper lady should have emailed him back but in the end, who gives a shit?

Travis Pastrana called in to talk about the travelling Nitro Circus, his concussions and sending cripples, couches and women off ramps and stuff. Ellis learned about a burrito vending machine, and later on Jetta ran to the machine to bring them back to the guys. Tully was sketchy on his Chorizo burrito and didn’t finish it, but Ellis was pumped on his chicken one. The very idea of a burrito vending machine is freaking amazing. Granted, as Tully pointed out, you are eating a microwave burrito but still the fact remains: Burrito vending machine.

Walt Disney wrote a letter to Meryl Streep saying he wouldn’t hire her dumb Jewish ass because women are stupid.

Shark news was largely about how the shark news intro kind of sucks, so Ellis made Will come in to do a new intro. Turns out being an angry shark is very therapeutic for Will, and he is probably going to get into shark cosplay as soon as he gets a girl he doesn’t have to drug and/or bludgeon with a cinderblock. The real shark news was Leonardo Dicaprio told a story on Ellen about one time he was in a cage feeding sharks and one got through the cage and chomped at him a bit, but it was probably bullshit.

Wolfknives names were handed out on air today for a handful of lucky new members. Unluckily, however, this is Wednesday, so if you were hoping I wrote any of them down you are going to be more disappointed than Cumtard’s family is about his existence.

Dennis Rodman story we’ve all heard. The guys talked about North Korea and how there are roving packs of naked feral children attacking people and stealing food. The kids don’t know how to speak any language and are completely cut off from society. Seriously, one of the most fucked up countries on Earth. And when that doughy, lumpy-headed sack of shit(Kim Jong Un) finally catches some shrapnel in his gut and bleeds out like the pig he is, we are going to learn so much more about this twisted little corner of the world.

Next up was a Shocking Movie Review with Kevin Kraft. In case you don’t know this segment, Kevin puts on a shock collar and attempts to review a new movie. The catch is that Tully puts together a list of words he can’t say during the review or else he gets shocked. Today’s movie was The Wolf of Wall Street starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Jonah Hill and directed by Martin Scorcese. The words he couldn’t say were: Money, stock, wall, street, wolf, Leonardo, Jonah, parties, drinking, Scorcese, movie, boat, cocaine, boobs, tits, hour, guy, champagne, or hair. Between the fits of howling and screaming, the Cumtard said it was a damn good movie though.

Google auto complete game was played, so if you like that segment check on demand, because it’s a hard one to recap. Juggalos are now considered a gang by the federal government, and it’s either a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you ask. But Jason and Tully eventually concluded it was a good thing, because if Juggalos are doing shit to get themselves arrested, then fuck them. To make matters worse, people wouldn’t stop calling about the God damn Juggalos, no matter how many times the guys tried to change the topic. And with that, Jason tried to turn final calls over to the listeners again and it just sort of ended. I don’t particularly care for any of the regular guys who recap the show, mostly because they do a better job than I do. Fuck you, guy. But those guys are better than the shitheads who don’t know what to do and just want to hear themselves on the radio. I’ve taken to calling it the Final Call Fizzle because I’m such a clever fucking douche. Speaking of not knowing how to come to a satisfying ending…