Well, hello there! It’s time for the terrible recap of an awesome show. Now spin around and let me chuck it in your dumper. Ellis was offered either a hand job or an invitation to an illegal dice game from a lady at a convenience store today. She was an old Asian lady (Either 50 or 80 years old, you can’t tell with those ones) so she was probably trying to offer him a hand job. At first, Ellis was thinking “Hey, maybe I’ll go get a sandwich and a hand job before work tomorrow!” Sweet deal, the Wing will be nice and relaxed tomorrow. Welllll maybe not because he took it to a dark place where he remembered older ladies jerking him off when he was a kid so it’s probably best he doesn’t do that.
Whatchoo know bout donkey sex? A village in Colombia knows a shitload more than you, dude. Rude Jude stopped in for the conversation about how a catholic village in Colombia has deemed it acceptable for young boys to fuck donkeys to release the evil seed inside their bodies instead of using a woman, or I don’t know, a hand. In any case, being good Catholics, the boys only fucked girl donkeys so it wasn’t gay at all. It turns out presenting your penis to a donkey’s vagina is a good way to find out if they are straight. If they kick you when you penetrate the donkey vagina it means they are a full on carpet munching dyke monster. If you do find yourself a nice hot donkey slut, keep in mind they are gonna be a little hotter than a human. Donkey body temperature runs around 100-102 degrees, so according to Jude it’ll be like fucking a chick when she is sick and has that sweet flu pussy. Another bit I learned from Jude and Ellis during this break was that Anthrax and AIDS comes from humans fucking cows.
Ellis wasn’t on Dr. Drew last night because of the State of the Unicorn address and in other news a kid got high on some Meow Meow and cut off his dick after he stabbed his Mom over the holidays. Jude says he has heard of it, no surprise there, but hasn’t done it. Creigh Deeds was a brief thing, go listen to it here and Jude gave us a little shout out on the show for the interview bitpimps set up and we all put together that you can see here. Tired of links? Me too!
Legendary musician and top 10 Jason Ellis show guests B Real was on the show today. They briefly discussed a little bit of Bieber shit and how Nick Carter was talking shit on Bieber because Carter tried to Bieber before Bieber was Bieber so Bieber should respect the Carter for Biebering so he could Bieber.
B Real is looking fitter and buffer these days, so he is staying on his crazy cross fit workouts he was just getting into the last time he was on. Ellis jokingly said he should fight in Ellismania and without a breath or a beat B Real spit out the name: Anthony Kiedis, the lead singer of Red Hot Chili Peppers if you don’t know. Apparently B Real and Anthony Kiedis have some sort of unspoken beef for years, mostly from Kiedis’ side. Instances like B Real attempting to shake Kiedis’ hand, and Kiedis’ looking at it and turning the other way. Dick move, especially to a guy like B Real who seems like the most laid back dude ever. The guys recounted the results of the Chronic Colonic with B Real who was instrumental in the brain storming process of shoving smoke in Cumtards ass. They shot the shit about rappers and B Real’s Phuncky Feel Tips, glass mouth pieces for your marijuana cigarette puffing needs. I used a rough version of one of these way back in the day made by a dude that blew glass for The Grateful Dead, and the conversation made me miss drugs. Ahhh drugs, you should have ruined my life more than you did. Oh and before B Real left Ellis said the best hand job (Holy shit I’ve typed hand job a lot today) would be from Sharon Osbourne and Kris Jenner simultaneously. The point being that that is a POWERFUL hand job my friend. Ellis seems to think Sharon would give the better handy, but I disagree. I think Kris Jenner has more experience because she has had to jerk off a shit load of people to get her and her daughters as famous as they are, and Sharon just had to almost get stabbed and blow a junkie every now and then.
HOLY FUCKING SEGUE MOTHERFUCKERS! The natural progression of dual witch hand jobs led to the resurgence of a long dead segment called WORLD’S GREATEST WEDNESDAY MOTHERFUCKERS! What exactly is the World’s greatest hand job combination with the best consequences? Need an example? How hot would it be if Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow had to jerk you off, and whoever did it best would win a prize. In this instance, Madonna would get 20 years knocked off of her face and Gwyneth Paltrow could be relevant again. One suggestion I made, which was discussed on air was @Mike_in_Canada and @bitPimps and the one who stroked my meaty uncircumcised penis the best would get the open seat on the Jason Ellis Show. Tully brought it up and Ellis thought they would be fighting over it too much and would be too violent with his penis. Let me state for the record that I would be ecstatic to get that hand job. I would pay for that hand job. I would drive a day and stay in a shitty hotel for that hand job, because those two sweet boys would be like Eminem at the end of 8 Mile preparing for my shaft, and they would lose themselves servicing it. That’s the kind of passion you cannot teach, God damnit. That being said, here are the “results” of the “World’s Greatest Wednesday”:
10. Linda McCartney/Heather Mills
9. Sharon Osbourne/Kris Jenner
7. Venus/Serena Williams
6. Queen Elizabeth/Kate Middleton (While grandson/husband Harry watches)
5. Tanya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan (Winner gets a gold medal. Not Olympic, just a medal)
4. Khloe/Kourtney Kardashian (Winner gets to wear Kim’s skin for the rest of their lives)
3. Angelina Jolie/Jennifer Aniston (Winner gets Brad Pitt, Loser gets the adopted children)
2. Nicole Kidman/Katie Holmes (While Tom Cruise watches and they talk a ton of shit to him)
1. Ronda Rousey/Miesha Tate (Winner gets the UFC Women’s belt)
So there you have it folks, Ronda Rousey and Miesha Tate jerking you off could be the best hand job ever. Personally, I could leave Miesha out of it because she looks confused all the fucking time and I don’t like people looking at my dick like that. Plus I would hope the hand job with Ronda would escalate to actual sex and she could throw my white ass around and do some crazy judo stuff to my penis. I gotta go, I’ve got….a penis to masturbate.