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Show Recap for Friday 1/31/2014

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Thank you for joining me again for your favorite Friday recap of the week. Have you ever slept with a famous person? Ellis has, I haven’t. There really isn’t any famous people in Phoenix except Alice Cooper and even though he is a legend of rock, I don’t think I’m his type. It’s a busy sports weekend with exciting shit happening in the NBA, UFC, and NFL with that Super Bowl thing going on. Supercross The Dragon needs to be dragon his balls across some lady lizard. I don’t know why he does but I felt it was worth mentioning. Also, lions fuck a lot, so you can now stop asking me on Twitter. In exciting NYA news BitPimps has been hired to do show research and find news stories. He’s going to be working from home and not getting any money for the job but good for him. An example of his fine work is the story of a man who teaches wolf pups to howl. More great news, Tully doesn’t have herpes! So ladies, feel free to make out with his face as you see fit. They talked about old people and their aches and pains and how some might be bullshit but some might be legit, just depends on if you are an old pussy or an old badass. Ellis wants to die in a firey helicopter crash doing summersaults because he thinks old age won’t be

Aww shit, my bones sticking out.

Aww shit, my bones sticking out.

kind to him considering he’s busted more bones in his body than not. Tully never wants to get hurt really bad because he thinks he’s gonna be one of those people that can’t handle shit and freak out. This brought on a bunch of people calling with stories of shot hands, crushed nuts, arrows in fingers, burns, mangled air bag blasted hands, and popped eyeballs.

Juliana Pena, the chick that blew up her knee like it was a Stallone movie, has been called the worst injury ever heard of in the sport of MMA according to Dana White. Apparently she originalgot beat up by a dude at her gym, but the gym owner seems to have a different story. Either way, Juliana won’t be back for about two years. Katie joined Jason and Tully in the slacker studio and they talked about stuff. Then they tried to play Hey What Are You Doing. After a bunch of that shit they watched a video of some chick with a massive fro-bush get dyed and shapen. Then they watched a video about Mormons flogging the bishop. Then they talked to a cute lady that lives in a pumpkin and makes sammiches. Then they went on break.

From the time of the Romans all the way to the Conquistadors, they believed that urine whitens your teeth. And why are we talking about pee? Because Nick Swardson is here

Way cheaper and easier than those stupid strips!

Way cheaper and easier than those stupid strips!

and what else would we talk about. I’ll tell you what we’ll talk about, elevator phobia. And guess what, ya boy Swardsonanegger has it. That’s why his calves are beau-ti-ful. Stairmaster ain’t got shit on Nick! They also talked about his EllisMania fight against that one guy and how Nick felt bad about delivering the multitude of blows to the frightened withering vag. Speaking of power blows, check out Nick’s new show, Chosen, on FX about a gay gangster rapper who’s just been released from prison. How can that not be funny. What’s also funny is Andy Dicks current sobriety. So funny in fact, the guys talked about all the cool shit he’s done and stories from their own bumped out adventures. Also check out Nick’s newly restarted and unhacked Instagram account at @RealNickSwardson.

After Nick left we heard a price of show history. The first time Tard That Tune has ever been done by Kevin while completely sober. It was extra tarded too. Will is back and tumblr_m52xqjK63c1rxal7mo1_500calmed down and things were talked out and everybody now has a better understanding of the others feelings and emotions. Now kiss and make up. After that emotional landslide, the new intern Straightedge came in and told us what his favorite thing was that happened this week. He also gave his opinion on show improvements, who was right and wrong in the WillGate 2014, and who his favorite guest has been. Nobody really cares and this was just filler for the end of the show since nobody has been listening after the first hour except me. And I wasn’t even listening, thank you On Demand! The Howard Stern Birthday Bash was great, definatly worth a listen when you get a chance, and maybe someday we will all be there for Ellis’s 60th birthday bash of his own, I know yer mum will be there, having her own bashing party if you know what I mean wink wink, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday 1/24/2014 Part Deaux

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Too much hair on a mans chest can just be in-furr-iating! Hahaha fuck yo couch and welcome to the Friday Jason Ellis Show Recap. Having a body full of fur sounds alright,

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

Just imagine how long it takes him to shave his balls.

you’re always warm, no skin cancer, no matter where you lay down it’s always soft. But be careful what you wish for, the cost of hair conditioner is astronomical. It’s the end of the week and some listeners are assholes, porn stars are probably mentally scarred, Australian actors are regular people too, little kids are constantly tripping balls, and Tully may or may not have a cold sore. But probably not. Maybe. This weekend Jason is going to do a wheelie on a horse. Total Nitro Circus meets John Wayne style. Yippie Kai Yay mother fucker.

If you listened to the live show then you know that the music was hand selected by listeners. If you want your chance to pick the music just tweet your selection to @JasonEllisShow and they’ll probably play it, even if it sucks, because if it sucks it’s all downloadyour fault. In Shark News according to science, great white sharks can live up to 70 years old! Also in shark news, Laurie in Oregon hates Will. She doesn’t think he’s funny, at all. She doesn’t understand why he’s funny because she’s not “in the circle.” But to be completely honest, she doesn’t even like Hate Bean and after she said that all I could hear in my head was Charlie Browns teacher talking. Wa wa wa. Wa wa. Wa wa, wa wa wa. Basically deep down inside she wants him to judge her butt and climax, it’s an internal struggle that she wishes was an internal struggle. But on a more serious topic, what the fuck is a sprinkle sandwich? Is it just a sandwich with sprinkles in it? No seriously, I don’t fucking know for sure. Oh well, another one of life’s great mysteries shall go unsolved. But one of life’s answered question, who are your favorite people who have been on the show. Some people that were mentioned as guest co hosts were Dingo, Jude, CJH, Joanna Angel, Doug Benson, and Psycho Mike just to name a few. Also Will is wearing cowgirl style underwear, I’ll just let your mind wrap around that one for a bit.

A New Mexico woman, the new one not the old Mexico, was charged for aggravated assault after pulling a gun from her dick pocket after an argument about aliens. Oh, this is Women Am I Right in case you didn’t figure it out by now. A woman was arrested after breaking into a pet store because she wanted to set the puppies free, topless. Only makes sense. A 78 year old woman asked to see her receipt and the twenty something girl punched the old lady in the kisser. A Texas woman robbed the same bank twice in one month is being sought after. Speaking of crazy bitches, Andy Dick is here! Well not here, on the show here. He’s not helping me write the recap right now, but it would be way funnier if he was. Andy was on fire talking about all kinds of exciting shit like rehab and drinkin and being on TV! And Andy also got married, but for the right reasons, taxes and health care benefits. And everyone thinks he’s completely retarded! They talked about all kinds of shit. Like dreds and how much they stink and Andy’s to do list for the rest of the day. He has a conference call at six if you were wondering.
wtf-o (1)In duck rape news, a third of all duck sex is forced. Quack mother fuckin quack. You Sir Are A Moron, not you, the bit, well maybe you, but you don’t have special celebrity guest Andy Dick. It was riveting, earth shattering, and incredibly insightful but if you really want to know what was said check out On Demand or listen to the replay Monday morning because in case you forgot, it’s Friday, I don’t give a fuck, and that’s a lot of shit to write.

"You can't rape the willing!" - Howard The Duck

“You can’t rape the willing!” – Howard The Duck

Andy had to leave but no worries, you can go to some website and order The Awesome Guide To Life Something Something Long Title at Amazon.com probably. It’s awesome, I already read it. It helped me to stop smoking, raise my credit score, and treat women and goats with more respect and dignity. Kids these days are snorting Smarties, the sugar candy pills. I’m not surprised, it’s next logical step after Pixie Sticks and everyone knows that Pixie Sticks are a gateway candy. Final calls were the usual nonsense but more importantly the fans came together to let Will know that he is the wind beneath our wings, he is our sunshine our only sunshine, he completes us. And Laurie from Oregon should know that she needs keep her opinions about Will “the greatest man ever” Pendarvis to herself, much like her mum should keep her filth ridden septic tank wild animal feral vagina to herself, OH!

And if Laurie happens to read this, I didn’t mean it, just jokes. Or are they? Do do do do do do do do do do do (twilight zone theme)

Show Recap for Friday 1/17/2014

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Why hello, I didn’t see you over there. Why don’t you pull up a chair and have a seat, I was just thinking about today’s Jason Ellis Show. Oh you missed it? Well let me tell you about it. The boys are broadcasting today from a magical place called Las Vegas during the ass ass titty titty ass titty ass festival otherwise known as the AVN Awards. To be more specific they are at The Hard Rock Hotel set up right in front of The Joint. Ellis forgot to bring his sleeping pills so he feels like a bag of microwaved dicks. None the less, the showbouncy+bouncy+bouncy.+animeniacs_64680c_3787511 must go on, and it did. The beginning of the show was mainly Ellis and Tully talking about the dick suckers, chronic masturbators, and pussy slayers that they see walking around. The first guest was Beatrice. She’s a nurse. She made out with Jason even though he has a cold, a bit irresponsible for a nurse in my opinion. Something else that Tully saw was two old lady’s selling something called the Magic Ball. It’s a bouncy ball that also has a dick on it. That way you can bounce and have things stuffed inside you. Fun times.
After the break the guys were joined by Little Stella Marie. She is a little person, a really little person, she’s a midget. And she’s, surprise surprise, a porn star. What we learned today is that she has a great sense of humor and a shallow vagina so she can only be half shafted. The next guest was the critically acclaimed porn actor Doug Benson. Okay I lied, he’s not critically acclaimed but he is on the show finally. Doug is no stranger to Wankfest and has been going for several years. They talked about porn stars, sober month, weed, Leonardo Dicaprio, and fucking fat chicks. The official porn star of The Jason Ellis Show, Joanna Angel, made her way to the coolest table of cool kids in the entire place to say hi and brag about how she turned her rockstar boyfriend into a porn star boyfriend. And we learned that he has small hands and a big dick, Joanna’s boyfriend, not Doug Benson, he has little hands and a little dick. He’s consistent. Speaking of small penis’s, Asphyxia stopped by too! But she just fell down and never said anything. It’s that kind is excitement you can expect here folks! Another thing you can expect is Asian girls with tiny vagina holes and stretchy buttholes.

Women, am I right!?! They’re talking about porn girls again. A woman in England is suing her divorce lawyer because he didn’t tell her she would no longer be married. Now they’re talking to a porn star again. And now they’re talking with Nicky Benz, you guessed it, a porn star. Starting to see a pattern yet? Here’s a new pattern, YouTube videos. Enjoy.

We came back with a new game called Who Gives A Shit About Porn Stars! And the answer is nobody. Much like Hollywood News, I am now refusing to write about them. So here’s a video.

Yup, still talking about porn, here ya go.

Back from and for a nice change of pace Tully admitted that this entire time he’s been farted on at least five different times today. Ellis told Doug how much he loves Katie and how therapy keeps him from killing everyone. Then they talked to a porn chick, Elizabeth Starr, who’s boobs are continuously growing and will probably kill her, and more walking dick warmers. Here’s another video.

This has been more than enough stories of dick sucking, anal, double and triple penetration, BD/SM, orgies, facials, gaping vagina holes, scat play, dildos, STDs, and masturbation for me, but it’s always nice visiting yer mum, OH!

Also check out Doug Benson’s new YouTube show at 4:15 pacific on Wednesdays at https://www.youtube.com/DougBenson.

 

Show Recap for Friday 1/10/2014

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Uhhhh nah na nah naaaaa! The first Friday recap of 2014! Hold onto your nipples because you’re about to take a wild ride through my mind. *Disclaimer, you must be at least this tall to ride. Tully thinks the 70’s were the worst decade ever and I agree. How could the 70’s be so awesome if I wasn’t there? Most likely you weren’t there either so I rest my case sammybwyour honor. Ellis went to Dingo’s star studded birthday and hung out with Kellie Osborne and thought her knife cross necklace was cool be she came across as a bit of a bitch, and he also hung out with some rat pack dude. I think it was Sammy, Sammy’s a laid back cool ass morherfucker. He left right before Justin Beiber arrived and the party turned into a gigantic gay orgy. Also some cool skate dude thinks that Jason is a pretty cool skate dude, like Def Leppard, but with both arms. Speaking of only having one arm, Cumtard will be hiding at home this weekend instead of rockin his sweet doo. Ken Rockson is a name you should know, not only is he a German motocross machine but he also carries deadly weapons everywhere he goes cleverly disguised as his hands and feet! And if you are looking for more exciting moto information then here you go. It’s going to be in Phoenix. And when you’re in Phoenix buy Jude’s book, Hyena because it’s a great read and also get Onnit, it’s not a great read but your flabby ass will look better while reading Hyena by Rude Jude available at Amazon.com.

Austrian hazmat crews have to clean up dead bats in the streets in Australia because it’s really fucking hot there. I don’t know why Austrian crews are in Australia but who gives a fuck, it’s Friday. Sean Michael Hayes came in the studio and talked about the time he lived with Jason and Andrea and banged the wig off one of Andrea’s friends. He also told us photo (12)about the girl that he choked unconscious and fucked. In his defense she told him, “choke me till I pass out.” Sounds legit to me. The real reason Sean came in wasn’t to tell us about all the girls he put his penis inside, he wrote a book, then put his penis in it. Apparently Sean wrote a bunch of books, some are tales of adventure, some are full of those rhyming words. I’m sure they are fantastic books and he was married to a Dutch girl for a year after knowing her for a month. I had no idea how to fit that in. Also I have no idea how to fit these in, Hagen Daz, wooden shoes, windmills, and dikes. So go to Canadianhayes.com or follow Sean Hayes on twitter at @CanadianHayes before he gets raped by a great white shark and sold in the black market underground to the Canadian sex circus as an elephant dildo.

We returned from the break with our favorite fish masturbating friend, the dolphin. Aside from the usual raping and masturbating news we learned today that dolphins also get high on puffer fish venom. The Jason Ellis Show is bringing back it’s signature segment, Unsigned Bands. If you are an unsigned band and are ready to move out of your moms basement, just send a mp3 to unsignedbandsrds@gmail.com or ellisparodies@gmail.com or nobodygivesafuckaboutyourshittyband@gmail.com. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Walt Disney wasn’t a racist, masoganist (I don’t know how to spell that, spelling is woman work anyway), or an anti-Semite and Maryl Streep is a lying bitch. He was pretty standard dude for his day. Even his cartoon that portrays Donald Duck as a Nazi is really a cartoon about how much Nazis suck. Besides, pinning Disney as the only racist cartoonist is segregation, and that’s racist because my Mexican Gardner told me. I think that’s what he told me, his English is shit. Heres the video of the top 10 most racist cartoon moments that Cumtard showed the guys. And heres the Donald Duck Nazi cartoon he found too.

A man in Iran has been awarded the grossest man ever award because he hasn’t showered for sixty years and smokes animal shit while roaming the desert. Congratulations to you sir. Christian James Hand, who has showered in the last 24 hours, brought in more isolated vocals. Today we listened to Glen Danzing, Fleetwood Mac, Burt McCracken, Phil Anselmo, Marvin Gaye, and James Hetfield. It was another home run and an awesome listening experience. I can’t wait for the next installment. Will burst in after the master-of-puppets-james-hetfieldsegment to explain the great Piolin catering mystery. It turns out that the host of the show buys food for everyone, everyday. Mystery solved thanks to Will “no mystery goes unsolved” Pendarvis. Ash is the cleanest product on earth because it doesn’t have magma puss balls of shit in it and fire is awesome. Just thought I’d throw that out there for you. We here at NoYouAre are dedicated to bringing you informative and educational information, like mixing hand sanitizer and orange juice can get you wasted but it’s gonna taste like shit and Vodka is easier. For the last bit of the show we listened to Jason go through the button bar and buried deep in the nether regions of this dark and swampy place were some sweet licks and stuff. Some shit we’ve heard and some shit that we haven’t. What do you want? Me to write every single one down for you? I’m not yer mum, and if I were I’d be far too busy trying to figure out if it burns when I pee because I have the clap or syphilis again, OH!