You knew an hour before Ellis because he was late but he knows now and I’m still sitting here not knowing a fucking thing. Wanna know what I do know? Blood eagles are not a rare species of eagle. It’s an old Viking torture and execution ritual. For Oden of course. Wanna know something else I didn’t know? Old people stay up way later than I do so they can watch Jim Jim Fallon and the Colbert Report. They talked a lot about late night TV shows and since I’m responsible and black out at a reasonable hour and I couldn’t relate or really understand what they were saying. It was like listening to two Canadians talk to each other about hockey. This is also the last show before Ellis and Katie go to Fuckit. There is a lot of preparation that is needed for a trip to Fuckit, you need rubber gloves, condoms, dental dams, antibiotics, boner pills, anti inflammatories, and a bottle of ketchup. Oh wait, that’s yer mums shopping list, my bad. A cop who was suffering a temporary lapse of mental retardation pulled over a porn star for speeding, let her blow him, filmed it, asked her to put it on her blog, then have her the ticket anyway. Yeah he’s not on the streets protecting and serving anymore. Incase you haven’t seen the video of a topless Rampage Jackson fuckin up a McDonald’s then you don’t pay attention to twitter. You’re probably one of those people that does all their work at work making the rest of us look bad. Asshole.

In today’s MMA News a bunch of dudes are punching each other in de face and rubbing their sweaty crotches against each other in Abu Dhabi. Just another typical Abu Dhabian night. Also in MMA News, ladies and gentlemen, HATEBEAN! Will graced us with an early releases of his new singles Feeling Pretty Farty, Cock Vomit, and Mud Date (Rape). While on the subject of date rape, Kevin and Jetta came into studio to test the carbon fart pad that’s supposed to absorb all foul fecal fumes that might escape from your turd cutter.

Smells like roses. Hairless fucking roses!

Unfortunately Jetta has a super loose butthole and couldn’t contain his ass gass enough to release the poison. But Christian did! And according to Cumtard the pad worked perfectly. That or Christians farts actually smell like febreeze and hit music. Breaking news, science has now developed a new Easy Bake Vagina Oven for women who were born without a cookie. Science, still can’t cure cancer, but they’re fixing mangled and missing carnivals worldwide! Priorities. And keeping with the shit theme they played Ikea or death metal band? I would give examples of some of the names but most of them we’re sounds more than words. Kinda like the African pop and click language.

If you think your shitty band is awesome and want to be apart of Unsigned Bands then send your recorded crap to submittoellis@gmail.com and after vacation they will verify how much you suck and the least sucky band will get a weeks worth of airplay and your music career will finally reach it’s pinnacle. They talked about a guy with a toothache that was healed by god, not a dentist. This information has rocked the dental community world wide, apparently you don’t really need to do anything but watch some fat tv preacher and hope he vaguely mentions the symptoms you have and boom! Your healed. Magic! Speaking of magic, here’s a video of half of a dog for your half dog watching pleasure. After watching that Ellis cleaned up the button bar for the last time and also did the last ever Dude Am I A Slut. It’s sad to see this glorious bit leave us but let’s all be honest, the quality of callers has declined greatly and this bit should have been pushed out to pasture by a tractor and shot repetitively in the head until it no longer moved and shit itself and left for the coyotes. Then there was Queef Latina. I have nothing to say about this, ever.

Goodbye Sluts, you will be missed.

In Dolphin News the dude who captured and trained Flippers says one committed suicide and that dolphin suicide is totally possible. So is dolphin rape and they also get high, so basically they’re the cute asshole people of the ocean. Will came In with more new Wolfknife members and so today we salute Gape Crusader, Ricky Bobby, Phil Anthropist, Ally McBeave, Gas Hole, Gayco, Patrick Dumpset, Blood Eagle, and Hairy Baby. In 1962 scientists gave an adult elephant 3000 doses of acid to try to make it rampage, it died. Science learned that you shouldn’t do that much acid. Even if you’re an elephant. A Texas man was arrested for walking around with an ak47 dressed as a banana. He was promoting the new gun shop. Texas, am I right! A Long Island nursing home got sued because they hired a male stripper to dance for all the geriatrics. Kinda stupid because the ones that don’t forget the incident in a week will probably just die anyway. Final calls sucked until THC called, he is

Now I know where yer mum got it from

the best final caller ever and I will totally kiss his ass in this recap saying everything he said was super awesome so that someday he can say “oh yeah! You’re that guy!” Cuz I’m totally that guy. Do you have shitty breath and about as much dental huge e habits as a goat? Well do I have the product for you! Brand new in the toothpaste world and for the low low price of only 84 dollars you can get some weird Japanese breath scent things to add to your toothpaste like pie, Indian curry, plums, or even fresh yogurt! Now people won’t think your breath smells like shit, they’ll think it smells like shit and curry! But wait there’s more! If you order now not only will you get the breath shit enhancer but you will get a second tube totally free! Just pay shipping and handling. But wait! If you order now yer mum will personally include a free hand job with the first 10,000 orders! STD’s included, OH!

Good evening and welcome to the Wednesday recap, where I only really mean half of what I say and everything is subjective. It’s better that you think of this as more of a free-form, abstract recounting of something I mostly listened to while weaving through traffic and tweaking my nipples.

Ellis went to the dentist today, but stayed away from the fuck your face gas because he cares about the show and he cares about you. Speaking of you: FUCK YOU for bitching and whining about the Instagram pictures with the props and FUUUUUCK YOU for bitching about working the show intro out with porn stars. It’s his show and he’ll do what he wants with it. Seriously though, the IG bit, who gives a flying fuck if he wears a wig and hulk hands with guests? Who the fuck are you? Nobody! That’s who!

Tully had a sex dream about his wife (awwwwwwww) and they were in a store that had beds and people were around so they went to the car to finish up and his best friend was watching and also he was a robot. Jason wants to have sex with Dr. Drew and thinks Dr. Drew wants to have sex with him because Drew was showing him pictures of gaping assholes that Psycho Mike was sending him and saying how weird it was that he would do that. All while presenting his winking butthole towards Jason’s hips, mind you. Elizabeth Starr is a lady who has giant boobs and is gonna die because of it. Consider that recapped.

Speaking of porn stars! Word on the Twitter is that everyone loves all the porn stars that have been on this week and are not at all spewing hate filled tweets full of concentrated rage. Annnnnd not so much. Suffice it to say the term “dumb whores” has been said more times in relation to TJES in the last 3 days than your mom gets during an entire shift behind the dumpster at a waffle house. HOWEVER, the porn star that joined the next segment with Gold Star Gay Frank Decaro, proved to be a witty little psychopath who had me laughing my balls off. Her name is Missy Martinez and she started her segment off sitting in the green room asking your usual dating game questions to the guys. The guys of course being Cumtard, Frank talking in a straight man voice, and Ellis talking as Sara. I found myself laughing without having any way to convey to you exactly what made her so funny, so I rewound it and started quoting things completely out of context for you to enjoy.

• “I want AIDS so I can go around spitting on people and giving them AIDS. Like an AIDS Llama”
• “Just because I’m Mexican you’ve gotta take me to some orange grove?”
• “I want your shit inside of my shit” (They were being very literal)
• “We can’t have foreplay if you don’t vomit”
• When Cumtard said he plays video games, reads comics and has had diarrhea for the last week, she responded “I’ve had two of those!….Video games and Diarrhea”

For once it was nice to have a porn star on who understood the humor of the show and wasn’t a complete bore, a twat, or depressing as hell. I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but remember the golden rule: If you don’t like it go fist yourself with a coarse sheet of sandpaper.

Christian James Hand came by the show for another round of the Naked vocals game. Again, another solid segment, though if I were to critique it at all, it would be to say I’d like to hear more themes for each one. Maybe do an all metal one, or a 90’s grunge, maybe 70’s lead vocals etc. I could also be completely wrong because variety is the spice of life, and I’m a bit of a moron. Here were the selections we got to enjoy today:

• Survivor- “Eye of the Tiger” very cool, but was always impressive, naked or not.
• Police- “SOS” where we all realize Sting is just another privileged white dude ripping off black man’s music, in this case, reggae. (By the by, fuck reggae. Fuck Bob Marley. Tell Bob Marley I said that. Oh wait you can’t because he is dead lolololol)
• Heart- “Barracuda” there is a line in there where she refers to a porpoise. always thought it was purpose. Couldn’t tell if it was a pun or the result of cocaine.
• Motorhead- “Overkill” Holy hell if you could isolate the sound of whiskey, cocaine and cigarettes into one string of audio, it is Lemmy. That dude is 100 billion times the man I will ever be. I hear he smells like shit, but he’s a fucking man.
• Phil Collins “Invisible Touch” made an appearance to annoy the shit out of all of us.
• Radiohead “Creep” Not entirely sure why this was chosen unless it was to annoy Ellis, in which case it worked like nipple clamps work on me.
• Katy Perry “Firework” was the surprisingly impressive one in the bunch. She’s got a crazy powerful voice, so it turns out she isn’t just a wailing pair of tits after all.
• Queen “Somebody to Love” correct me if I’m wrong, but they’ve played this one before on this segment, but it doesn’t make it any less impressive. Freddy Mercury was the best sounding case of AIDS I’ve ever heard, that’s for sure.
• Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” He’s a baby voiced monster.

Thuck that Thcrotum

Next up, was EVEN.MORE.PORNSTARS. Yes, if you weren’t sick to death of them yet, (even though I loved Missy) TJES brought a couple more in to round out the show. Sylvester the Cat Nina Hartley and Justine Jolie came in to talk to Ellis about that whole “Jacking off a clit” thing Justine was raving that Nina could do a couple weeks ago. It was right about this time that Twitter started to look like a group of protesters outside of an abortion clinic, and the porn stars were our immoral teens shame walking up the steps. Bathically, Nina came in to talk about the way you’re thuppothed to jerk off a vagina. Schee Saysth you need to apply prethure to the pubic bone and schoftly schtroke the schaft of the clitorisch. Ok, I can’t keep that up, but my point can be summed up by @AZ_RedDragon ‘s tweet :

Jason Pinkett-Smith     ‏@AZ_RedDragon                       5h

I figured it out! Barbara Walters imitating Sylvester The Cat while wearing a new retainer! #Boom #NailedIt

Which completely took me out of any sexiness that could have been happening. And she approached the whole thing like the Bob Ross of pussy. She kept talking to Justine’s vagina like it was a puppy dog or an infant. She called it pumpkin once or twice and I struck my wife.

The clitoris isn’t a button, it’s a happy little phallus. We all have a happy phallus in us.

It was one of the most annoying segments I’ve ever listened to on the show. Not because of the concept, mind you, but because of the way she came in like an kindergarten level art teacher talking about making women cum. She was baby talking a clitoris for fuck sake. Then she started talking about doing the same thing to dudes and somewhat redeemed herself by playing with Cumtards junk, (which she called thick and heavy, by the way) and chubbing his wiener with some sort of taco hold. Then she started talking about how she travels around giving hand job seminars and has a hand job kit with gloves, lotion and oil. Sometimes she just runs into dudes and gives them hand jobs with her handy dandy jack off kit. So….Red Dragons?

Here’s where I’m landing on porn stars since it’s porn star week: They are hit and miss. You get ones that totally get the show, like Missy, Joanna Angel and a couple others I can’t think of right now. Or, the alternative is the ones who are basically on tour talking about dicks and vaginas and fucking and sucking and cum and anal. Those are the bad ones. It’s always going to be hit and miss, and unless some screening is done beforehand, the majority just aren’t going to get the show. But hey, remember the golden rule about fisting yourself: if you’re a porn star, giggle about it when you say fist. Seriously though, if you don’t like the porn stars, as much as it sounds like a cliché, change the channel for a bit. There are going to be spells where porn stars are going to make sense to bring on the show, and it’s always going to annoy some people. And if you are the type of person who listens to it just to yell at the radio, then what the fuck are you really doing with your day?

Jesus, I’m drunk. Until next week, sluts.

Vindication through petty vandalism, my friends. I need say no more other than that the weather is the polar opposite of what it was last week and I just essentially shot a load in someone’s corn flakes for the next several months. But that has nothing to do with anything cause it’s just about that mid day time when I crank my computer speakers at work up to 11 (which is actually more like 2 and a half cause I try not to be a nuisance to my coworkers or customers who might be sitting in the waiting room, plus the show just comes through my speakers quieter than all the music does, it’s not like I’m raging in this office) AND LISTEN TO THE FUCKING JASON FUCKING ELLIS SHOW!!!! Today got started with me stepping out for lunch with the SiriusXM online player paused, just moments before the show was supposed to start, and then the entire SiriusXM website lost it’s shit and stopped functioning completely, just as I got back to start writing this recap and enjoy some delicious Indian food! Since absolutely nothing I did would work to restore function and let me listen to the show, here’s everything I was able to pick up about today’s show by way of Twitter (Remember folks, YOU wrote today’s recap, and you should all be very proud and ashamed and concerned for yourselves):

1. Rude Jude stopped by, and was without a doubt hilarious, cause that’s what Rude Jude does.

2. Houston sucks compared to LA.

3. Police don’t know shit about shit, but they are allowed to carry guns and be assholes to pretty much anyone they want. (America! FUCK YEAH!!!)

4. LA pedestrians suck (But Oakland still holds the title for world’s slowest jaywalkers! Yay, me!)

5. Ellismania.com may be gone for good, but there’s always officialjasonellis.com which is pretty much the same thing with a different web address, you lazy fucks.

6. American schools are swirling the bowl, but Australians are swirling it in the opposite direction, because of the equator and sweet dead foetus Jesus.

7. @EmilyinSD still really loves Machine Head.

8. There was some sort of music segment, possibly unsigned bands, that was favorable to most of the listeners.

9. My facial hair is getting just long enough that I honestly cannot avoid getting food in it.

10. Cumtard needs to lay off the cheese, even though it’s delicious and sets off the same neural receptors as love and heroin (GOOGLE IT!).

11. The power of his own anus compels him. (Still talking about Cumtard here)

12. Crazy Jerr did something that warranted a shout out, but I COULDN’T LISTEN SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT SHOUT OUT TO CRAZY JERR ALL THE SAME GOD DAMMIT!!!

13. In Thailand, just fuck it. Doesn’t matter what it is. Laws, strippers, your mum, human decency, just fuck it.

14. Don’t fuck it too hard though, or the cops will fuck you in an equal and opposite fashion.

15. The practical applications of running propane (CNG) in the Wankel Rotary engine (as seen in vehicles like the Mazda RX-7) would successfully counter the inherent problem of no valve train and upper piston lubrication that is seen in normal piston-cylinder type internal combustion engines, since the Wankel engine has no upper cylinder lubrication and injects oil at the intake valves as a part of normal function in the regular gasoline variant. But this is America, and Big Oil still runs the show, so pipe the fuck down about solutions to real world problems.

16. When fucking something in Thailand, be sure to double and maybe even triple check what you are fucking, or the object of your fuck-affection will call fifteen of their tranny friends to stomp you to death in the gutter and steal your shoes.

17. $0.50 Valium and a pharmacy on every other street corner seems to only happen in places with culture and history that hasn’t been stolen by the white man.

18. The Wolfknives probably won’t go over well in Thailand cause of that god-awful anal fissure of a movie that was “The Hangover 2”.

19. Puking before you swim is a great way around that whole “wait thirty minutes” rule that your parents always told you.

20. Some sort of torture was laid down upon Kevin Kraft and the sound scale fell somewhere between him having a stroke or an orgasm.

21. #TeamNips

22. Chad Reed, mate.

23. Captain America is really Captain Puerto Rico (but it’s a US territory, so 6 of one, half dozen of ya know what I’m sayin?)

24. The fans really want to help Jason get hookers in Thailand.

25. The #SanDiegoSaviour is now 6 months meth-free in @EmilyinSD’s tummy, but is giving her weird cravings for things like water chestnut ice cream. WILSON is still an absentee father.

26. Kevin still has diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

27. Another lady stopped by to try her hand at the new intro. The townspeople did not rejoice.

28. Tully said something smart. This probably happened several times today, but it’s always worth mentioning because he’s a witty mother fucker and has a lot to offer, not just to the show, but to the world at large.

29. Making out with a guy is the hardest thing to do. Credit where credit is due, ladies. And gay guys too, I guess.

30. Another porn star stopped by for a while. Once again, the townspeople did not rejoice.

31. The SiriusXM online player needs some serious work. Maybe if they took a cue from one of the Sirius radio clone programs that used to work before SXM reformatted the entire web based system to make it look prettier?

32. Everybody’s kind of over the new intro. It’s really turned into a much bigger stupider less productive monster than it could have been.

33. If you like fucked up porn, you gotta give anime a try. This has nothing to do with the show, just on a personal note. Cause I love you guys. I’m waiting for some to show up in the mail as we speak. #Hentai

34. There’s gonna be some MMA happening this weekend, or midweek, or sometime in the near future. Something like that.

35. Final calls happened… Yup… They certainly did.

36. ………………………………………………..Fucked your mum.

And there you have it folks, all the heavy lifting on this glorious recap, done by you, the fans, by way of twitter. You did a great job recapping the show for a guy who couldn’t listen live and has to catch it later. Kudos to you, you should pat yourself on the back and go try to masturbate away an incredible caffeine high, the way I do after every one of these that I write for you.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,