Good evening and welcome to the Wednesday recap, where I only really mean half of what I say and everything is subjective. It’s better that you think of this as more of a free-form, abstract recounting of something I mostly listened to while weaving through traffic and tweaking my nipples.
Ellis went to the dentist today, but stayed away from the fuck your face gas because he cares about the show and he cares about you. Speaking of you: FUCK YOU for bitching and whining about the Instagram pictures with the props and FUUUUUCK YOU for bitching about working the show intro out with porn stars. It’s his show and he’ll do what he wants with it. Seriously though, the IG bit, who gives a flying fuck if he wears a wig and hulk hands with guests? Who the fuck are you? Nobody! That’s who!
Tully had a sex dream about his wife (awwwwwwww) and they were in a store that had beds and people were around so they went to the car to finish up and his best friend was watching and also he was a robot. Jason wants to have sex with Dr. Drew and thinks Dr. Drew wants to have sex with him because Drew was showing him pictures of gaping assholes that Psycho Mike was sending him and saying how weird it was that he would do that. All while presenting his winking butthole towards Jason’s hips, mind you. Elizabeth Starr is a lady who has giant boobs and is gonna die because of it. Consider that recapped.
Speaking of porn stars! Word on the Twitter is that everyone loves all the porn stars that have been on this week and are not at all spewing hate filled tweets full of concentrated rage. Annnnnd not so much. Suffice it to say the term “dumb whores” has been said more times in relation to TJES in the last 3 days than your mom gets during an entire shift behind the dumpster at a waffle house. HOWEVER, the porn star that joined the next segment with Gold Star Gay Frank Decaro, proved to be a witty little psychopath who had me laughing my balls off. Her name is Missy Martinez and she started her segment off sitting in the green room asking your usual dating game questions to the guys. The guys of course being Cumtard, Frank talking in a straight man voice, and Ellis talking as Sara. I found myself laughing without having any way to convey to you exactly what made her so funny, so I rewound it and started quoting things completely out of context for you to enjoy.
- “I want AIDS so I can go around spitting on people and giving them AIDS. Like an AIDS Llama”
- “Just because I’m Mexican you’ve gotta take me to some orange grove?”
- “I want your shit inside of my shit” (They were being very literal)
- “We can’t have foreplay if you don’t vomit”
- When Cumtard said he plays video games, reads comics and has had diarrhea for the last week, she responded “I’ve had two of those!….Video games and Diarrhea”
For once it was nice to have a porn star on who understood the humor of the show and wasn’t a complete bore, a twat, or depressing as hell. I know this isn’t a popular opinion, but remember the golden rule: If you don’t like it go fist yourself with a coarse sheet of sandpaper.
Christian James Hand came by the show for another round of the Naked vocals game. Again, another solid segment, though if I were to critique it at all, it would be to say I’d like to hear more themes for each one. Maybe do an all metal one, or a 90’s grunge, maybe 70’s lead vocals etc. I could also be completely wrong because variety is the spice of life, and I’m a bit of a moron. Here were the selections we got to enjoy today:
- Survivor- “Eye of the Tiger” very cool, but was always impressive, naked or not.
- Police- “SOS” where we all realize Sting is just another privileged white dude ripping off black man’s music, in this case, reggae. (By the by, fuck reggae. Fuck Bob Marley. Tell Bob Marley I said that. Oh wait you can’t because he is dead lolololol)
- Heart- “Barracuda” there is a line in there where she refers to a porpoise. always thought it was purpose. Couldn’t tell if it was a pun or the result of cocaine.
- Motorhead- “Overkill” Holy hell if you could isolate the sound of whiskey, cocaine and cigarettes into one string of audio, it is Lemmy. That dude is 100 billion times the man I will ever be. I hear he smells like shit, but he’s a fucking man.
- Phil Collins “Invisible Touch” made an appearance to annoy the shit out of all of us.
- Radiohead “Creep” Not entirely sure why this was chosen unless it was to annoy Ellis, in which case it worked like nipple clamps work on me.
- Katy Perry “Firework” was the surprisingly impressive one in the bunch. She’s got a crazy powerful voice, so it turns out she isn’t just a wailing pair of tits after all.
- Queen “Somebody to Love” correct me if I’m wrong, but they’ve played this one before on this segment, but it doesn’t make it any less impressive. Freddy Mercury was the best sounding case of AIDS I’ve ever heard, that’s for sure.
- Michael Jackson “Billie Jean” He’s a baby voiced monster.
Next up, was EVEN.MORE.PORNSTARS. Yes, if you weren’t sick to death of them yet, (even though I loved Missy) TJES brought a couple more in to round out the show.
Sylvester the Cat Nina Hartley and Justine Jolie came in to talk to Ellis about that whole “Jacking off a clit” thing Justine was raving that Nina could do a couple weeks ago. It was right about this time that Twitter started to look like a group of protesters outside of an abortion clinic, and the porn stars were our immoral teens shame walking up the steps. Bathically, Nina came in to talk about the way you’re thuppothed to jerk off a vagina. Schee Saysth you need to apply prethure to the pubic bone and schoftly schtroke the schaft of the clitorisch. Ok, I can’t keep that up, but my point can be summed up by @AZ_RedDragon ‘s tweet :
I figured it out! Barbara Walters imitating Sylvester The Cat while wearing a new retainer!
Which completely took me out of any sexiness that could have been happening. And she approached the whole thing like the Bob Ross of pussy. She kept talking to Justine’s vagina like it was a puppy dog or an infant. She called it pumpkin once or twice and I struck my wife.
It was one of the most annoying segments I’ve ever listened to on the show. Not because of the concept, mind you, but because of the way she came in like an kindergarten level art teacher talking about making women cum. She was baby talking a clitoris for fuck sake. Then she started talking about doing the same thing to dudes and somewhat redeemed herself by playing with Cumtards junk, (which she called thick and heavy, by the way) and chubbing his wiener with some sort of taco hold. Then she started talking about how she travels around giving hand job seminars and has a hand job kit with gloves, lotion and oil. Sometimes she just runs into dudes and gives them hand jobs with her handy dandy jack off kit. So….Red Dragons?
Here’s where I’m landing on porn stars since it’s porn star week: They are hit and miss. You get ones that totally get the show, like Missy, Joanna Angel and a couple others I can’t think of right now. Or, the alternative is the ones who are basically on tour talking about dicks and vaginas and fucking and sucking and cum and anal. Those are the bad ones. It’s always going to be hit and miss, and unless some screening is done beforehand, the majority just aren’t going to get the show. But hey, remember the golden rule about fisting yourself: if you’re a porn star, giggle about it when you say fist. Seriously though, if you don’t like the porn stars, as much as it sounds like a cliché, change the channel for a bit. There are going to be spells where porn stars are going to make sense to bring on the show, and it’s always going to annoy some people. And if you are the type of person who listens to it just to yell at the radio, then what the fuck are you really doing with your day?
Jesus, I’m drunk. Until next week, sluts.