Daily Archives: April 7, 2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014

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its-coming-back

Tie-dye is coming back? It’s only a matter of time until crispy, crimped 80’s hair comes back too.

It’s fucking Monday, you motherfuckers! Let’s fucking see what the motherfucking show has for us motherfuckers today. Well, the fucking white boy is back intro is back in rotation, which I think is a good thing and so does motherfucking Wilson Pendarvalis. Fucking tie-dye has apparently come back, according to motherfucking Dingo and Tully – Tully even saw that fucking shit at the motherfucking Gap. Alright, fine. I’ll scale back on all the “fucking” and “motherfucking” – for now. Dingo didn’t realize Ellis had already spilled the proverbial beans on their make-out session from last week while they were at the Chateau Marmont. Oh la-la! I don’t how this guy ends up being a topic on the show as much, but Sal Masekela talk came up. I don’t even know why or how he fits into the divorced chicks & people kissing other people at the Chateau conversation, but there ya go. Since Ken Block & his wife were there, inevitably, we heard about how rich he is and nobody really knows how he’s still so rich, and he has a waterfall and hot tub and shit. This beget discussion about Ellis MiniMoto Mania and how even though it’s meant as a PG-13 event, there’s no promises a titty or a “fuck” isn’t going to be making an appearance at some point. Super dad weekend sounds like it went off pretty well, Devin even kept her word and rode even though she was really hesitant and had a few freak out sessions. But she did it and that’s what counts! Oh, and she’s okay with shit now too. Ellis almost pulled Fifty’s head off because he kept fucking with Tiger and being a dumb dog. He also ran over Burger because she’s a dumb dog too and tried to bit the tire of Ellis’ bike. The first hour was filled all kinds of information (such as Dingo’s “friend” named Stephanie), stories, and what-not. But the main thing I would like to bring attention to is the fact that Dingo did not speak over anyone in the first hour. So shout out to the man with the luscious locks! He’s becoming quite the radio professional.

dingo-meets-everyone

Contrary to what you might think, this is not Dingo meeting people.

What’s Nick Lachey up to these days? He and his wife Vanessa Minnillo left their 18-month-old son at home for a quadruple date with friends where the group ordered red snapper tacos, celery root ravioli, chicken and waffles and warm donuts for dessert. This mega-breaking-story could only be trumped by one thing and one thing only. And that is the fact that Dingo has met Vanessa before. The guy has literally met everyone. Actually there’s another Dingo story we need to discuss. He went to a taco festival Saturday, came home and cough-vomited all over his balcony. Speaking of cough-vomit, we have a porn star named Siri in studio now. From her own Twitter profile: “The face that fucked a thousands dicks.” She’s there to try and record some lines for the show intro. Dingo could care less that’s there’s a porn star swinging a kettle bell in front of his face, he’s got Hollywood shit to do. She did her thing and just like that, she was whisked back out of our lives and out of the studio. But before she left, she left us with a parting message of having 10 guys cum on her head, and it wasn’t even on video, it was just a Wednesday. So real quickly, we go back to the sports desk for some Moto News with Dingo. Villopoto retains his points lead, Stewart has moved ahead of Dungey who is in third and the injured Chad Reed has finally dropped off the top 10 list. Now over to the new desk with Tully for a story about a listener who stuck a ball pump needle in his dickhole and tried to pump up his junk. Quickly back over to Dingo for some piss talk which Ellis isn’t too jazzed about because god damn it, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW! Just kidding, he just doesn’t want people to think he and Katie are constantly giving each other golden showers. Anchorman 2, Dingo and Tully hated it, while Ellis and Wilson thought it was awesome. Wilson thinks maybe they didn’t like it because they’re fucking assholes. This of course led us to talk about Sea World, orcas, and nice cows. Ellis is starting to feel weird about eating cows because they’re so damn nice, or so they want you to think, and that’s when they attack! Total dicks.

history-lesson-time

Get ready to learn, it’s history lesson time with Ellis & Dingo!

Frank DeCaro will be on the show tomorrow, which gives us a perfect segue into Napoleon’s little dick. A British show called Dead Famous DNA says it has confirmed that Napoleon had a “very small” pecker, measuring in at a whopping one-and-a-half inches. On this very day in 1947, Henry Ford died, and contrary to popular belief, he did not invent the car, he invented the assembly line. Motherfucker found a way to pump out Model-T’s while inadvertently destroying the lives of future American workers. Tully continued testing Dingo & Ellis’ knowledge of other historical facts about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, George Washington, Pocahontas, and more. It’s always an entertaining time to hear Ellis and Dingo spill their vast knowledge of history. Well motherfucking fuck-shit. My computer is all fucked up and now I’m frantically trying to get this done from my wife’s laptop so I can try to fix my motherfucking machine, so bear with me here. Wilson came in the studio and sounded mad, said he wasn’t going to discuss something or another with Ellis and that he knows what’s what because he’s no dummy. I have no idea what that was about. Tully does not currently have a special place where he wants to fuck his wife other than the bed.  Brock Lesnar still has diverticulitis. Cumtard still has diarrhea, which has been going on since last week. They Skyped up potential fighters for the biggest loser fight at EMX, one stand-out was John. Apparently he’s an ex-wrestler (or maybe current) and a large dude who is also a gym rat, allegedly. He seems like the kind of dude that’s going to turn someone’s ass into a pile of chewed up bubble gum. David Letterman is retiring, Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldolf are dead, like my motherfucking computer, and Octane is unsurprisingly playing horrible music at this very moment – and probably at any given moment. Shout out to Rural Radio. Ted Nugent is a racist asshole, there’s a Goonies sequel in the works, and Trick Daddy was arrested and got plump. There was some more but motherfucking fuck that shit, I’ve got a computer to toil over. Final calls. Bing-bing-bam-popcorn and the shows over.

Jetta: The Kid With The Fresh Kicks

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We got the chance to ask Sean Visser (aka Jetta) a few questions. He’s a young buck that did so well during his internship, he was later offered a position as an assistant and eventually a spot as a co-producer for the show. Quite a step-up for an intern. He also interacts often with fans of the show and is confused by blueprints, but his laptop webcam skills are up to par.

Interns usually get pretty unflattering nicknames, but you didn’t, you got “Jetta”. Do you think you landed such a nickname because Ellis respects your shoe game? Because there’s no way Ellis respects your car.
I think Ellis gave me a tame nickname because I don’t have anything glaringly annoying about me at first glance. I think you have to get to know me before I become embarrassing.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? And are the majority of them Nike? You ever thought about buying shoes for white guys?
I own between 20-30 pairs of sneakers, most of them are Nike. It may sound like a lot to some people, but if I were say, George Clooney, and I said my thing was slaying babes, but I had only ever had sex with like 20-30 chicks, then you would probably think that is pretty sad, wouldn’t you? In other words, I still need more for it to be “my thing.”

You’ve seen some of the stuff Kevin does for the show, do you think you would ever go that far for a bit, or is puking and cock & balls torture off-limits for you?
When it comes to things like that, it’s about strengths. I think everyone can agree that Kevin is good at being tortured. Ellis knows it. Tully knows it. Hell, you don’t need to be a talent scout to notice that this kid has a gift. So when it’s my turn to be tortured, I try to just bite the bullet and get it over with rather than do an awesome job like Kevin and hopefully I’ll miss out on some of the punishment. That is my strategy, anyway.

jetta-feeling-pretty-at-the-office

It makes a girl’s day when the UPS guy comments on her beauty.

Just how big is your dick?
It’s white-guy sized.

How often do you use that pussy bruiser?
I’m currently in a monogamous long-distance relationship, so not all too often.

You ever bang your older neighbor in a hot tub? DanOD5 did.
No, but I did put a hot tub jet right under my ball sack once so they were gently lifted and vibrated like a kite in a warm thunderstorm.

Is your mom hot, like DanOD5’s mom is?
People have told me that my mom is hot. Mom’s are just hot in general. Like, it’s hot to just be a mom.

Why do you hate Tully so much?
Tully has a do-no-wrong sort of reputation with Ellis and the fans of the show. I resent him for this.

Do you think you can go hard in the paint and dunk on anyone on the show?
Yes. Except maybe Will who could injure me with a combination of his enormous oven mitt hands and buried rage.

You got a little weird initially about wearing the dress. Do you think you get defensive because it was your first official humiliation bit on the show?
Nah, I’d been humiliated before… just not to that extent. My sadness that day was less about the bet and more about my “temporary” employment status with Sirius XM.

Is there a possibility for an Ellismania fight for you? Would you rather fight Cumtard or Tully?
There’s a possibility I would fight. Cumtard and I have formed a bond from the stress that we both endure from producing the show. It would be hard to fight my buddy.

Considering how difficult it was to assemble that ping-pong table, if you were to face off with one of your co-workers to put together an Ikea dresser, who would you challenge and why?
I would have to challenge Jason because I don’t think he has the patience it takes to complete a tedious task like that.

Are you at all jealous of the relationship between Will and Cumtard? Would you prefer to have the same bromancy-ship with Will?
Will and I have a relationship too. All be it, not sexual. Will is the funniest member of the show to me and I couldn’t ask for a cooler boss.

If Will and Cumtard ever tie the knot, which one are you gonna try to seduce in a Melrose Place style revenge affair?
Having been born in 1990, I am only vaguely familiar with the a fore mentioned “Melrose Place.” That being said, I wouldn’t try to seduce Will. He’s into some way-too freaky shit for me to even attempt to make his junk move.

In your opinion, which wave of ska has been the most important and influential?
I only listen to indie rock… and all the music on Faction. (hah)

You aren’t part of Death! Death! Die! Do you think it’s because you can’t play any instruments or is it because you formed a “green room” bond with with Cumtard & Hardcore?
I actually play the drums- I played for about 10 years. But, I obviously won’t be taking Christian Hand’s spot. I’m perfectly content with just being like a roadie and getting that 3rd tier trim.

Tyler Posey. Think you could take him?
Tyler is a nice dude. Of all the show guests I’ve met, Posey has been legitimately the most stoked to be in the studio. He actually seems like a real person. He’s too well-adjusted to be a good fighter.

Have you ever tried to bond with Tully over banging a girl of Asiatic descent?
Actually…. no! But I should! I’ll have this in my back pocket the next time the shit hits the fan.

When you’re older, do you ever see yourself growing a massive beard and shaving your head? It’s the new goatee.
I don’t see myself ever shaving my head because I have some weird sharp angles to my skull and wouldn’t be able to pull off the Ellis, Hand, or Jardine. But… I will grow a massive beard at some point in the near future.

wasted-chicks

Sometimes being a little whorey can be liberating.

How far did you take dressing up like girl? Were you wearing chicks panties? How did it make you feel? Was it empowering or freeing in some way?
No comment. It was freeing as all fuck!

Do you feel any safer knowing that Cumtard is leading the security efforts in the studio?
Absolutely not. I don’t understand why Will can’t be leading security, he is obviously the scariest, most intimidating member of the staff.

Have any of your family members listened to the show? If so, what did they have to say about it?
My mom works from home and regularly listens to the show. She is very proud of my achievements but is often disapproving of the way I am treated, as a mother should be. The show has given my mom a dirty mouth and an Australian accent.

What’s your biggest accomplishment on the show so far, other than calling 90% of the listeners total morons?
That, of course, is my most notable achievement. Besides that, it’s awesome to see my ideas for segments come to fruition and create laughs. Creating something that makes people laugh is an accomplishment in itself.

On the subject of grooming, shaved, trimmed, or full lumberjack bush? The ladies want to know.
Casual trim. Very casual.

How has working for the show changed you? Specifically your sense of humor, vocabulary or attitude in general. Has working on the show had an outward effect on your persona?
The show has made me harder; more independent, capable of handling heavy stress, and more disciplined over all. My sense of humor has always been somewhat parallel to the show’s but my attitude has changed. I have learned to try my best at separating emotion from my job because my job is too unpredictable to rely on for good feels.

How much have you stolen from the show? Shoes? Shirts? Watches?! You thieving fuck what have you taken???
I take all the good shit and then send out old t-shirts and used cum rags from the prize chamber.

You wanna fight me?
Naw, as cheesy as it sounds, I respect the work you guys put in at NYA and I want to thank you all for being so involved with the show. Without fans like you, there would be no point in going to work everyday. THANKS!

THE END

Thanks to Jetta for being such a good sport and doing this Q & A session with us fucktards. We came up with most of these questions while drunk. Also, we should thank him for helping produce the show, taking calls, fixing cameras, taking pictures, helping to free people from the prize chamber, and being one of the whitest dudes ever.