Have you ever taken one of those shits where you just know it can’t be good, then you look in the bowl and you’d be more scared if your asshole isn’t bleeding, and then you wipe a few times and run out of paper but that last wipe was pretty clean but you still think it would be a good idea to have a rinse, but you’re at work and there’s no showers and you can’t put your ass on the sink cause all your coworkers are gonna wonder what the fuck is wrong with you, and so you just say fuck it and carry on with the day and hope for the best? I did that just a few minutes ago, and it’s kind of liberating. Anyways, you’re not here to listen to shit jokes, you’re here to read about today’s Jason Ellis show! And that’s what I’m gonna tell you all about. The show started with Ellis talking about how sometimes it’s great to just forget what the hell you’re doing sometimes. Like starting your radio show as the man with no name and forgetting everything you intended to say. And about how voice altermacation machine would be way more fun if he could program the voices he wants to use instead of having to remember all of the settings and do a couple minutes of trial and error first. Somebody told Jason that this year’s EllisMania was gonna be the biggest one yet but the ticket sales aren’t convincing him. As much as Ellis would love to see all your beautiful sparkling faces there, he understands if you can’t make it or just don’t want to, and he doesn’t want to be a whore for the corporate dollar the way some people are. He seemed a little bummed at the numbers, but for somebody like me who dropped out of high school, numbers aren’t worth getting upset over for too long. He also talked about how if you’re having fun you never work a day in your life, and right now it’s kinda feeling like work. What’s really important is that the fans who always come are gonna have a fucking awesome time, and I’ll be there the whole weekend partying like the craziest sober mother fucker you ever seen. And there’s gonna be fights, and maybe another lesbian wedding and bro hugs all over the place and you might even see a hot mess of a woman get shit faced like they’re giving out seconds at communion and piss herself. It’s a good time folks, seriously. I make no money advertising this shit, so you can trust me. There was talk about market demographics and some other shit and Canada and punching European people. Tully has been having similar problems of having lots of shit to do and not enough hours in the day, but he’s a super dad so he pulls shit off. Good friend of the show Erika Ashley stopped by today, and it’s Rude Jude’s Australian birthday today, so I’m sure he’s having a great time ogling the fuck out of one of the few white girls he might have a chance with. Slash had a movie come out recently, and oddly enough it’s a slasher flick, and Rawdog was there too. But more importantly, SLASH was there, and sat right down next to Jason while the movie was playing. One of the guys from Korn, or possibly Bush was also there, but needless to say it was a good time for all. Rawdog brought his girlfriend to the movie too but had to do some serious vaginal convincing because she’s not a fan of scary movies and Slash has probably lived way too hard for this one not to be a humdinger. Erika Ashley and Rude Jude came in to chat with the guys for a bit about things and stuff. Jude sat in while Ellis made Erika do the Onnit “Look Good Naked” workout, and while I wasn’t there to watch I’m sure there was more than one raging erection happening in the studio today. This also led to some of the best/creepiest audio of a man talking to a woman that has probably ever been recorded without a script. But it gave me lots of good material for the next time I bang my girlfriend, like telling her “YEAH GIRL, YOU SMELL LIKE WET DOG, COME GET SOME!” and many other wonderful love noises. Erika is gonna be fighting three other girls at EllisMania 9 in a dizzy one armed fight. And Erika is still lesbian married to a Canadian from the last EllisMania. Jude is unfortunately not gonna be able to make it this year cause some dickhead friends of his are getting hitched and have no respect for someone else wanting to see comedy boxing and do drugs in Vegas all weekend. Rawdog on the other hand is sure to be there, and while he’s not officially single, his dick would love to make your acquaintance! The guys and gal talked about all the different ways the Tussin Wolf is gonna be rearranging his schedule to fuck any and every one that might be interested in him, his girlfriend, or any combination of the two, not specifically excluding anyone except other guys and Carrot Top, but that one is only because his penis doesn’t do prop comedy. To be fair though, we can’t prove that it doesn’t, we’ve just never seen it happen. While we ponder that, let’s take in some tasty beats and regroup real quick.
Some dude was in Zimbabwe staying at a fancy hotel and and on his first night there, he was awoken by the sound of his roomie SCREAMING HER FUCKING LUNGS OUT LIKE IT WAS A SEPULTURA CONCERT CAUSE THERE WAS AN 8 FOOT CROCODILE UNDER THE DUDE’S BED!!! Which is really pretty mellow, cause crocs like to be warm too and you shouldn’t have to be born into privilege to have a spot to stay UN-frosty. So, ESPN still has shitty announcers, especially when it comes to action sports. If you saw the X-Games, the athletes were going balls to your mum the whole fucking weekend, but the commentators could have just taken the whole thing as a vacation and kept all the questions they asked the celebrities to an Instagram comment. But in particular, Ellis was watching a surf competition this weekend and the talking heads at the event did the shittiest job filling the time between waves. It would have been more interesting to watch someone get dental work done. Long story short COME BACK SAL MASAKELA WE NEED YOU but I understand that there’s way bigger shit you can do and if ESPN doesn’t think you’re worth their time then fuck ’em. It makes you wonder what’s in the future for BMX kids and skaters and moto riders in the world of professional events and how badly TV is gonna do promoting it. My answer? Let’s have some of these over the hill shredders go renegade and pirate a bunch of local access channels with the help of Red Bull and Monster Energy (cause they’re the ones pumping most of the money into it these days anyway). Seriously, let’s have Tony Alva and Mike McGill and Steve Caballero pull some DIY shit and broadcast out of a basement with homemade movies again, like in the old days when nobody thought you were an idiot for wearing Vision Streetwear, and breaking into foreclosed homes to skate pools was the norm, and catalytic converters weren’t required on race bikes, and beer was beer, and Ronald Reagan was still the enemy, and fighting with the cops was a perfectly normal Friday night activity, and long time pros weren’t getting one-upped by rich kids whose parents can afford to send them to a camp where they’ll learn how to do a 1440 Christ air on a razor scooter. LET’S TAKE THIS SHIT BACK MOTHER FUCKERS! But I digress, cause the same thing is kinda true of other sports, and no matter what, somebody is pissed that grown ups can make good money doing high school activities for the rest of their lives. Maybe it’s a pipe dream, I just hope that when I have kids they learn how to get hurt and brush it off and smash shit and get along well squatting in an abandoned warehouse with a sketchy ramp and seven gutter punks. Or, we let reality TV have it all and keep your eyes out for the Ultimate Surfer this fall on FUZE. In the meantime, while our society is sorting it out, let’s all go kick the shit out of Daniel Tosh because Tosh.0 is dumber than a bag of hammers. And if Conan O’Brian stomps his liver into a fine slurry while the rest of us crush his skull with cinder blocks, all the better. And this is where Wilson Pendarvis comes in and shits all over metal dudes for being poor and/or cheap, except for metal whores because they convince their dudes to drop a few bucks on things like OzzFest and fresh leather when their shit starts getting worn out. Some dude called in to say that he likes Tosh.0 except for that part where it has Daniel Tosh. Somebody else called in to massage Ellis into asking Rob Dyrdek to advertise EllisMania and if Rob is any kind of real friend he’ll do it, but no hard feelings if he doesn’t, just don’t expect to have anywhere to hang out this thanksgiving. There were some more calls on stuff and things and cunts, and most of it was reasonably forgettable. But on the plus side, we can all look forward to Travis Pastrana’s retirement when he gets sponsored by Budweiser and becomes the funniest saddest alcoholic who ever lived. One lucky caller won the the grand prize threesome with Rawdog and Karla when he told the guys he’s working on getting his passport just so that he can come to Vegas for EllisMania. And if you’re blonde with huge fake tits, you don’t even need to call in, you’ve already won! Just go on up get yourself a piece, they’ll probably be staying in the paradise tower. While the guys sort out who’s gonna be on top, CUNT KICKER!!!
Our old pal Gabe Ruediger stopped by the show to prove that he does in fact have thumbs, not just a freakish five fingered hand with opposable digits to work things like the keys of a piano, or a victory at EllisMania 9. But really it’s all in good fun, we’re just ribbing, nobody really hates each other at EllisMania, except Riki Rachtman, but that guy had it coming. The guys took a few verbal swings at each other but deep down it’s clear that there’s no real bad blood between them, even though Gabe had a party by himself after taking a nap in front of a few thousand people last summer. Ellis called out Pendarvis for not washing his hairy ass properly and destroying whatever sweet aroma may have been left on Gabe’s chair after Tera Patrick visited the other day. Jason and Gabe rehashed the whole debate about the headgear and gloves from last time, and the general consensus was that Jason’s former manager can go smoke a dick. Gabe may or may not be working on a secret punch that will be like an atom bomb wrapped in brand new Hayabusa 16 oz. gloves, but that has yet to be confirmed by Rawdog and his girlfriend when Gabe gets the consolation prize of an awkward, semi-Jewish threesome with them. But in all seriousness, It’s gonna be a hell of a match, and no more ice cream sandwich jokes, shit is gonna be popping off this year. Allegedly. Maybe, I don’t know. I’ll be there, I can tell you all about it when I recap the Tuesday after. All I can say for sure is that anyone could be on steroids, especially Nick Swardson, so if you see him rappel from the rafters with a battleaxe and start swinging like it was the 1300’s all over again, then we know the weekend is gonna be a success. Before Gabe left the studio, he took a test run at the punch machine and decided to be a total vag about it and not give it the cheese like everyone else who came in, even the people who can’t punch for shit. But we’ll get the real test on October 12th, so stay tuned until then. The guys took some phone calls and once again it was mostly forgettable shit, except the one guy who posed the question that you could have sex with anyone you want, but John Madden would appear and do a play by play on it, would you still do it? We remember that guy because he deserves to be kicked in the head by a mule, if he hasn’t been already.
One of the players for the Baltimore Ravens whose been out on injury for a while, recently injured himself again while he was on a party bus with a couple of his fellow players and some ladies of the night. No, his injury isn’t herpes, but instead, a fucking giant bottle of champagne got swung upside his head by a stripper named Sweet Pea, which is the god damn lamest injury ever, if only for the bitch’s name. So shout out to the Baltimore Ravens, it’s great to know that you can all plow through a bunch of full grown farm fed guys on the field but every single one of you would be on queer street the second some hoodrat cracks you in the dome with a magnum of “Ace Of Spades” champagne that she only asked for cause Jay-Z told her to drink it. In other NFL news, Tully found a story about one of the Arizona Cardinals who lost a chunk of his middle finger covering a tackle on a punt return. In other news, if you’re a lady, and a waitress, and you get on a bus wearing your work uniform, IT’S LEGAL FOR US TO SEE YOUR TITTIES AND GET A LAP DANCE CAUSE YOU’RE A BUS WAITRESS!!! You’ll get way better tips than you will working at Chili’s! Oprah almost had a nervous breakdown last year, but that’s probably just because she’s Oprah and shit is always a problem when you’re Oprah, but seriously, it’s just because she was busy as fuck, y’know being Oprah and calling racism on some Swiss mother fucker that may or may not have been true. She realized she was losing her shit when she was interviewing the Kony 2012 documentary guy who got “dehydrated” and ended up getting arrested for being drunk and naked and obscene in public and making a documentary that didn’t actually give anyone any new or correct information, and Oprah started feeling like that kind of behavior just made perfect sense. In happier news, some guy performed CPR on a baby wallaby in the outback after some wild dogs chased it into a creek and it started to drown. Sure, maybe after ten minutes it seems like your just fellating a marsupials head, but if you get the added bonus of saving an animals life then you just go on ahead and molest away. Final calls started rolling in and it may not have been said during the show but even YOU could get in on the EllisMania 9 Corduroy cock fest happening in Rawdog’s room featuring his girlfriend and a special invite for blondes with knockers, repeat BLONDES WITH SOME TIG OL’ BITTIES ARE EXTREMELY INVITED. Some guy called to say that he also lost a chunk of his finger playing football, but he’s still got enough left over to put a bowling ball grip on Rumble McTumble and his girlfriend. And apparently this shit is a lot more common than we all realize, cause there were a couple folks that called in with stories about hands getting caught in the face guards and under everybody during a tackle and puling back fewer digits than they entered with. Some guy in the UK cut his balls off and then harassed a wedding while it was in progress, only to show up too late to make the ceremony not happen. There were more calls and stuff, and they were alright, quite friendly and not much stupid bullshit, except for the guy who believed his girlfriend when she said she had a hysterectomy and was examining his jizz with a microscope after he fired one off inside her. To be fair though, that girl has a touch of the cray-cray if she’s gonna go all CSI on your cum even though she no longer has the parts necessary to make a human life out of it. And also fuck Boone for calling over and over and bringing up the Chyna thing again even though nobody fucking cares anymore. Some elementary school in Connecticut is in hot water right now for taking kids on a field trip and reenacting American slavery, n-bombs and all. And that’s it, so if you haven’t got your tickets yet for Ellismania, don’t even bother cause the fights outside Rawdog’s girlfriend’s vagina are gonna be way more epic.
There was a friend of mine when I was young who used to always wear a wig every day. One day when we were walking home from school I asked him why. He told me “because it goes great with these heels and I can make a lot more money at the bus stop before I head back to the house”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
