Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 12/5/2012

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Aw Shit – The Remix!

Dude, its totally Wednesday, and I totally party….do you like to party? Ellis can party his ass off, since he ain’t having heart attacks while pumping iron at the wing’s gym like he thought he was yesterday.  Good shit to know, that and he wears leggings.  Sounds like Ellismate’s knee is working again, just in time to get shredded and fuck some models.  Speaking of fat bitches, is there such a thing as a 400 lb. lady with a skinny child?  Who cares, what’s really important is if you are cool being seen with said fat bitch, if the sex is good of course.  Tully is/was, and of course his boys hated on him, but how’d they’re book rank on the New York Times Best Seller List?  Apparently the Metal Militia tent at the X games is the spot to snag you a keeper just FYI!  Meanwhile, Rawdog has dumb taste buds, hates spinach, and is Down With The Sickness.  In fact, did you know Disturbed wrote that tune about the illustrious Illusionist?  Straight into UFC on FOX this weekend, and Ellis’s ass is taking on your mom so check it out.  Conveniently, Manny Pacquiao is fighting this weekend too with some free preliminary fights on some shit channel, but not against Floyd Mayweather as he is still ducking!  Both of those cock suckers top the Forbes list of highest paid athletes.  Then Rawdog told us a tale, of him opening his front door to numerous chics, one of which was that hot chic he thought he had a date lined up with, and taking shots with these chics in his kitchen.  The story lead to the club, doesn’t it always, with Rawdog’s roommate joining him and the 4 ladies on a 45 minute walk, only to stand in a two block long line.  The story ends with the hot chic that Rawdog is fond of, walking off with his roommate, and Josh being left uncomfortably with the 3 remaining chics.  He left and went home, the end!

 

      Happy Holidays from the assholes at NoYouAre!

 

In Hollywood News, you only have 8 days left to bid on a day with The Jason Ellis Show and a trip to the strip club of your choice.  If your not a dick, Ellis n Tully may even splooge splurge on a lap dance for ya!  John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John released their sex tape……how else was I gonna get you to click that fucking link, its just a shitty Xmas video she forced him to do at gun point.  One of those little punks from Home Improvement got a DUI.  The Olsen twins are at it again, with a new $55K backpack thats got PETA and local drug dealers pissed.  Meanwhile, in other Hollywood News, in Portugal, Anderson Cooper’s eyes are as pussy as he is.  Oh and if your in Kentucky, vote for Ashley Judd to be your Senator.  Onto one of today’s guest, Mia Isabella 2011 XBIZ/URBANX TS Performer of The Year, in the studio to help the kids.  Honestly, she sucks on the radio like most of us would, but she had a good cause and it led to a pretty funny game.  First, she’s repping little kids who need shoes, at some event tonight at Mickys, but I didn’t get much more than that.  Of course Ellis has more swing than she does, and got Globe to hook it up with a few pairs to help the kiddies.  And onto the game, with Cumtard of course, that involved him drinking champagne out of each person’s shoe, either off their foot or brought from home.  5 shoes total, one each from Ellis, Tully, Rawdog, Mia and Jizz Cult all filled with some shitty $3 bottle of New Year’s finest.  Cumtard was able to guess two shoes correctly, those of Mia and Ellismate.  Of course he wasn’t able to nail the “Grainy” tasting shoe of Jizz Cult, or “Fucking gross” shoe of Rawdog, and certainly not the Athlete’s Foot infested shoe of one Tully McTullyvich. Of course everyone is a winner, Mia’s cause got some shoes donated, Ellis got radio gold, Tully got the cock of his foot, Rawdog didn’t really win shit and Cumtard won the rest of the bottle of bubbly.  Here’s to $425 gold pills that make your shit glitter, and to Kenny, whoever the fuck that is.

 

 

           Ya Heard Me

So we found out that Rolling Stone magazine is comprised of a bunch of white dudes who think Sir Mix-A-Lot still has legitimate street cred. They posted a sneak peek of 5 of their Top 50 hip-hop songs of all time.  I personally am a huge fan of rap and this list ain’t awful, but is clearly based on historical importance as opposed to overall song quality, but what the fuck do I know…..that this bitch here is nasty – been fucking her dog for 13 years now.  As if fucking little kids isn’t enough, Penn State is at it again, only fucking Mexicans over now with racism.  Rawdog was at it again, saying he hates China cause they got small areolas, and he’s got a point.  Meanwhile, this dude got forced to do home repairs at gunpoint in San Jose, the New Jersey of San Francisco.  The New York Post is catching shit for posting a photo of a dude about to get creamed by a subway train on the cover.  Breaking news:  Today, December 5th, 2012 on the Jason Ellis Show, Rawdog was correct!  Mark it down, it don’t happen that often folks.

 

 

 

Come on, who’s gonna notice…

Bert McCracken was today’s other guest, dropping in fashionably late.  This dude is just about the definition of a rock star, and a listener to the Ellis show, or a huge smoke blower.  He’s fresh out of rehab and sober now, and also not allowed in Canada for the next 10 years, Red Dragons!  The Used will be playing in the 2013 Take Action Tour so get it up ya.  For today though, its ‘Get The Cock Of Your Chest’ with Blasko Bert McCracken.  If your a fan, go check the intro to this shit, Smokin’ Load Frazier for days crack.  Bert was kind enough to start us off, with a tale of a chic giving him a BJ, then demanding he pay her $80 after completion.  Sounds like a Sunday afternoon for Ellis, but 6 of one, half dozen of the other.  Bert did Dr. Drew some dude who jerks it in front of unknowing strangers on the internet.  Some literal sex offender called in about old ladies, fuck that guy.  Another dude was dropping loads into a MILF’s shampoo bottle.  A teacher pooped in some kids book bag, ya know the usual shit.  We did have a chef war between Bert and Tully, neither backing down to defeat.  Some other dude called in saying he used to eat a ton of oatmeal, and spray it all out his ass into big cup, and then piss and cum in said cup, and your mom would drink it, shit that out and drink that…..wait shit I never got through to the show, OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/3/2012

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Tanning beds are starving for huge fake boobs and bleach blonde hair. And sluts, too.

But seriously, I don’t know what this huge red bump is on my balls? Are you there? HELLO!? Oh shit! Wrong window, sorry all. I was chatting with my umm, friend, for another friend. Anyway, it’s Monday and it’s time for the “Y’all motherfuckers need Jesus” re-cap! Is it Ellis’ fault that there are a lot of fake, big tits in porn? I don’t know, but I’m okay with it. Will Rawdog find his face? He’s trying his best at the decorating his face game, and it’s coming along, but he’s got some room to grow into his face. Back to titties. Titty talk brought Jude into the studio to explain that in his twenties, he was very anti-big boob bitches, until he started banging moms and you know mommy titties start to sag and get all pancaked, so they get some upgrades. Nobody likes to cartoonishly fake or bad tit-job jugs. Tully might have a thing for 12 year-olds, he’s okay with tiny booby buds, and is also very anti-fake tits, bleach blonde hair, etc. Speaking of chewed up titties thanks to having children, shout out to @Cullensaidthis and his wife for making a baby! Ellis saw Pendarvis was getting on some tail last night, and it wasn’t his mom, no, it was his son!

Hey son, wanna make out during this Slash jam session?

Will we be seeing voice activated cars? A resounding “fuck no” is the answer. Just look at how well Siri works. More importantly, Ellis has his new voice altermacation machine all hooked up and gave us some Kanye style speaking and other voice altering tests. That one chick from England who everyone things is… Royally hot (HA!) is pregnant, or so they say – it could just be gas. What if you were able to be the King of England? Would you walk around dressed as Ming the Merciless and eating cake? Of course, Rawdog finds issue with this and wonders just how cool would it really be to be the King and thinks he’d rather be Paris Hilton. Guess who else stopped by the show to talk tits and touring? That’s right, Slash. He’s got short term memory loss and sometimes forgets where he’s been and/or who he’s met, does this really surprise anyone? Slash says he likes moto and follows Ellis and his moto antics, he thinks it’s very entertaining. On a separate note, Slash has a motherfucking Vegas style nightclub inside his house, next to his motherfucking studio, inside his house. That’s the tits! In a bid to be Super Dad, Slash’s 1110-year-old son is into skating and isn’t really helping him by busting out the Slash name – his son wants to do it all on his own. Will came in to play a game with slash, “Can you guess who’s rider this is, based on the crazy requests & rules” and it bummed Slash out. Slash invited Ellis, Tully, & Rawdog over to his house / nightclub this weekend, and you’re not invited – so there.

Slash has porn in the background all time, either on screen or in person. You do not.

Hollywood news, the short and intense version, starts with Lindsay Lohan in trouble yet again, this time for not paying her taxes. Charlie Sheen gave her $100k to help pay off her shit, I’m guessing because she hooks him up with some killer nose candy. She’s also being sued by the Lifetime Network because she wasn’t supposed to drive or something and she drove anyway. Recycled recycling talk reared it’s ugly head on the show today when a caller chimed in to say, “recycling helps” to which Rawdog responded “nu-uh, Penn & Teller said it was bullshit” and there you have it folks, clear as mud and straight from the horses crotch region. That spurred a bunch of opinions from people all the way from LA to Sector Cumtard – but we don’t really care about any of that, do we? Of course not. In other news, on the hottest day of the summer, Barney the Boil Sucker was sitting at home when his phone rings. “Barney the Boil sucker” He says. A woman replies “I have a boil that needs sucking.” Barney says, what’s you address, I’ll be right over. He finally gets there in the 95 degree heat and when she answers the door Barney is greeted by a 425 pound woman who has broken out in a profuse sweat, wearing nothing but a stained up bed-sheet. She is huge, big as a truck, and smells of old dairy products and body odor. She tells Barney that the boil is on her taint, but being the professional that he is, he soldiers on. He starts wading through the layers of sweaty fat, pushing the layers back behind him until he at last comes to the boil. It is huge, red and is topped off by a white-head full of puss. He takes a few deep breaths and begins to suck on it. As he is sucking the puss by the mouthful the lady lets go a little fart, unable to control herself from the pain of the boil. Barney, incredulous, shoves his way out of the fat and hollers, “Hey Lady, what are you trying to do? Make me sick?” And that’s why Barney the Boiler Sucker has never again accepted a call from your mother. OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 11/29/2012

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Tickle my taint its Thursday again so fuck short people.  Oh, and fuck  people with black hair or that drive PT cruisers.  Fuck people that play golf or tennis, but baseball is cool.  Its a perfect science as Ellis see’s it, but of course motto is better.  Rawdog thinks baseball is complicated, like we didn’t know that shit.  Ellis also fucked up Tully’s honeymoon.  Not like that, nah Ellis and his obsession with shark attacks got into Tully’s head, and he and the misses were near an ocean.  Its all good though since Ellismate is finally a man, well with his chest hairs he’s growing.  Speaking of men, Rawdog said he couldn’t beat Steven Tyler in a fight, but he could take Mick Jagger, uh huh.  Old people could take you and your life, cause they fucking suck at driving.  Tully’s of the opinion that old fucks shouldn’t be allowed to drive during rush hour, and women should never drive, ever!!!  To Rawdog’s joy, Ellis said elderly peoples should be restricted to auto-driving cars.  Either way, they you and I should be as lucky as to realize when we’ve lost our shit.  Tully then lost his shit on all races.  Latin dancing sucks, Africans i mean really, Asians are just hyper white people, Indians stink with their incense and all, and Arabic music just sucks.  And of course the Jews, well they’re just little “Doogie Arabs”, i mean Am I White?

 

Doesn’t his moves look similar to Rawdog in 100 years?

 

In STD News, a third of people aged 13 to 24 have not been AIDS tested, and 60% of those with AIDS don’t know it, and Rawdog’s going to be tested on the show, maybe.  Ellismate’s flip flopping on A6K and what to do with it, either just give the fucking thing away to a deserving fan, or sell it to said fan, and give the money to Everlast to fight Cystic Fibrosis.  Then Jizz Cult came into the room and You Sir, Are A Moron!  Remember this game, Will tosses out a topic, and Ellis Tully and Rawdog state their opinions, blah blah blah your moms a moron.  Some decent radio here, from gambling addiction and cops smoking weed to eating horse meat and taking a shit at work.  Ellis and Rawdog did get into it about flying cars, and the floating lights they’d require for lanes.  All three got into a good debate over if 100 dead heads could defeat 10 juggalos in a fight to the death.  Of course when Sasquatch was brought up, Rawdog lost his cool and well you sir are a moron.  Then we stumbled upon if its rape between animals, which wasn’t a topic, just came up in conversation as is usually does.  Rawdog convinced Tully and Ellis its not, as an animal can not consent.  In the end, this game was really only a ploy for Will to ask his real question, was bombing Hiroshima necessary?  I don’t know Will, you tell me, whats up with the government?

 

Hollywood News time kids – Lindsay Lohan punched some bitches lights out in a NYC club, go girl!  That whole deal with Precious losing all that weight from yesterdays show was total bullshit.  In Sports News (what the fuck?), Michael Jordan has been banned for life from this country club in Miami for wearing cargo shorts.  Brandon Marshall of the Da Bears says dudes be taking mad Viagra to get an edge during games.  Rawdog said he’d like to see that, and would probably get a boner with a bunch of dudes jumping on his back, yup!  Damian Lillard (Basketball dude) is scared shitless of statues.  Meanwhile, Tully is a fucking tool and he knows it and is getting help. He named his kid a combination of the top baby name in 2012 (Aiden) and the name with the biggest increase from the previous year (Grey), but I can’t spell it so fuck off.  Of course little Linsanity was not named after the 50 shades of shit book, nor some dude named Aiden (can’t think of any), so he’s not so bad I guess but still #fucktully!

 

Yo man your fucking creeping me out

 

Woman Am I Right?  This bitch here done stabbed up her husband with duel blades cause he wouldn’t fuck her.  This German bitch tried to suffocate her man with her tig ol’ bitties, which Rawdog was fucking amped on, redeeming himself slightly from the football comment earlier.  This Florida bitch beat her man up, cause he won the Cum Challenge!  And this bitch done gone and beat up her bitch cause she couldn’t find her detachable penis.  Then something happened that is rare for the show, Rawdog called Tully out when he tried to run a story that was already done, the one that gave us the Rawdog drop “Someone’s going to suck my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat!”  This other bitch tried to pull a tube out of her man’s chest, for meeting girls at the store.  This bitch working a Dollar Tree beat some lady up for using too many coupons.  And then there’s this bitch who’s best friend is a 378lb. tiger, so keep your eyes out for our follow up story on this lady real soon!!!  Finally we got this bitch who’s showing her support for Movember, which is kinda cool, but not kinda hot.

 

In case you didn’t click that last link…..Movember!!!

 

Finally we got an update on that Lindsay Lohan story from earlier.  HA, that was just some bad ass story of an anaconda vomiting your mom a cow.  Back to Lohan, so the woman she hit was a fortune teller who approached Lindsay on some crazy shit.  Lohan called her a fucking gypsy, like i said before go girl!  Shout out to that Red Deer, Alberta strip club that was playing Kiss of Poseidon at 3 in the afternoon.  Ellis and Tully told some dude to stop being a pussy and get his red wings, in the shower of course.  And if that fails, just fuck her in a Bane mask.  A bunch of other random shit in Final Calls, like ‘We Wish you a Red Dragons’ and horses do rape other horses!  Also, Ellis is good at doing Rawdog doing him.  Rawdog is much better at doing Ellis though, so much so that Jason’s thinking of taking a week in China, and letting Josh fill in as the sick cunt host.  He may need to get a few tattoos, but the voice is spot on.  Of course if tats go wrong, he can always just “Cover it up with your mom’s face covered in shit”, OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/26/2012

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Santa may be a little creepy, but is he pure evil?

It’s Monday again, some of us are still waking from our turkey comas and still cleaning out the butt gravy from our gashes. The fucking voice machine was all shitted up at the start of the show, but Ellis the fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician called in his trusty co-fucking voice machine anti-shitted technician, Pendarvis, to help get things straightened out. Everyone’s been around family over the holiday, so everyone’s stressed to the fucking maximum. Get this shit, Rawdog rode an ATV over the holiday, in full dress-up with helmet and goggles. Yup, you read that right. Not one to be outdone, Ellis taught Katie how to ride moto over the vegan gothsgiving break as well. Apparently there is photographic evidence of both of their feats, but I haven’t seen either photo yet, therefore this is all alleged hearsay. Santa is a magical white guy, and that’s final. Also, Mrs. Claus’s vagina is barren, she cannot have children and that’s why it’s okay for Santa to creepily watch little sleeping children. Tully went to see Santa over the break, no word on what he asked for though. Ancient religions ate buttholes at mass, it’s a life giving force that most people deny themselves.

Thanksgiving? Why don’t you give thanks that it only comes once a year?

The Smartest Box In The World has made a debut appearance on EllisMania.com interviewing Sean Connery, so you can go watch that if you like seeing hairy balls masquerading as titties. While debating how much vaginal tearing Sean Connery has caused, we found out that Tully has fallen asleep during sex and possibly during the act of licking cookie, and Cumtard has faked orgasms like some kind of rigid bitch with a serious love for flannel and a hatred for razors. Ellis banged with a pair of chicks panties on, all Jimmy Tarzana style. Moto news, Ellis’ bad motorscooter has given him purple dick again, along with a new taint injury. You ever had a deep fried turkey? You ever burnt your fucking face off trying to make a deep fried turkey? If you’ve answered no to both of those questions, you are probably not a proper shit-kicker. Hey, you wanna be a part of a colony of 80,000 people living on Mars for the low-low price of $500,000 smack-a-roos? Yea, me neither – so fuck that dumb shit. Moving on to the “Unsigned Bands” segment, and you know pretty much all submissions are getting made fun of, so no real change this time around – minus a shout out to the dead drummer of one of the bands and another band called the Dirty Orleans River Band.

Who says The Jason Ellis Show isn’t multicultural?

Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber got booed, and Halle Berry has her own personal fight club consisting of all the men in her romantic relationships. This sparked a conversation about who’s fault is it, when she keeps getting into relationships with all these abusive men. Is she abusive? Is she dumb? Or is just the unluckiest person in the world when it comes to picking a man to have a relationship with? Nobody really knows, but one thing we can all agree on is that the kid from Two and Half Men has found Jesus and coincidentally turned fucking bat-shit crazy at the same time. On the brighter side of Hollywood news, Larry Hagman (aka J.R. Ewing) has died. Final calls time, a black guy called into the show and said Ellis and Tully are his “niggas” and in turn, he is theirs as well. He called in to “holla, holla, dolla bill y’all” about the Mayweather / Pacquiao fight stuff. So there it is, the show’s street cred stock just rallied and is now up a few points on the “my nigga” index. In other financial news, your momma’s so poor, I saw her doing headspins on a Cheerios box in front of Goodwill for a piece of Wonder bread. OH!