Tag Archives: Unsigned Bands

The Jason Ellis Show Target Practice Number 4

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He’s back, @CassetteCoast returns for another “Unsigned Bands” segment with his fourth installment of “The Jason Ellis Show Target Practice” and once again, he did not disappoint. Somehow he keeps one-upping himself, and this time he combined his as always slick & murderous lyrical style with some shoutouts to EllisFam! Seriously. This guy is fucking good. We’re talking like, Lil Wayne should be his gardener good. Don’t believe me? Listen and you be the judge.


Download (link to MP3)

Update #1: HE WON! His track will be in rotation next week on Faction! Congratulations Coast!

Update #2:
Here’s Jason & Tully listening live to Coast’s track.
Side note: Once again, Ellis hates hearing me mentioned. But he can’t stop it. Which as everyone knows, means he loves me. Around the 3:09 mark.


Download (link to MP3)

Lyrics
-You already know what time it is whenever Coast gets to flowing on some Unsigned Bands shit
-who the fuck y’all playing with?
-you aint play my shit the last time out of fear of somebody getting their pussy hurt
-I aint gon’ lie, it could occur
-who’s the first one to get this ass whoopin Kevin Kraft looking
-like the perfect candidate to get decapitated
-actually wait, let me sharpen up this razor blade
-give your neck a taper fade hoe
-Who let that trailer park trash broadcast that old soft ass podcast
-get up off that and go tard that tune bitch that’s all you’re hard at
-and we all laugh at your salty ass you’re a Saltine with fromunda cheese
-that mean that cracker foul now open your mouth and get some of that onion ring
-that’s a metaphor for that bitches butthole to be polite I’ll say Alexa’s pooper
-I wanna welcome y’all to the legal fuck show the home of lardvarks and ice cream scooper
-speaking of that go straight to HateBean the man that may seem to daze and daydream
-bout making baked beans that glaze his face seeing as all day long he can lick a plate clean
-the country boy with the angry lanyard he’s Alabamas Miranda Lambert
-no “fwampa fwampa” for Will Pendarvis just play the beat and he’ll go the hardest
-he can talk the talk and he can walk the walk but he’s sad as fuck on the low
-don’t cross Pendarvis he’ll call the boss up to pull the plug on the show
-oh now Michael Tully said a billion dollars ain’t enough to let go of the China boy
-and I was bout to offer like 30 dollars and a Beloved shirt with a dinosaur.
-I’ma find a cure for your sarcasm if it’s the last thing that I do
-the only thing more faggy than the way you be acting is a Castaway tattoo
-ooh kill em gotdamnit I’m feelin myself got a feelin I’m fitna win Unsigned Bands
-I’m the one man band that’s representing EllisFam that goes ham when you play my jam
-and I’m qualified to be death death die but Tyler Posey gotta step aside
-I’ll hit a retard with a keytar like a tee ball knock his teeth off then I check the mic
-I know Jase Cakes better back the fuck up I’m Mexican I got a switchblade
-and I’ll cut a hole for James Hepfield to stick his dick DEEP in the ribcage
-I been contemplating if Thomas Haydens kinda fond of gay men from Hollywood
-and if he told you suck his dick for that car man I aint saying you did it but you probably would
-On instagram you get a temper tantrum when kids be acting like trolls
-but it just so happens its a good old fashioned “What the fuck is wrong with your nose?” reaction
-I’m playin dog I love this show O & A nigga fuck them hoes
-You red dragons I’m red flaggin you can hit me up and I’ma rep for Faction
-like BitPimps Twisted Trucker Mike in Canada Shark Chucker
-Shit Tobogan and Wolf Kisser Shantanee whats good with ya
-Arizona Red Dragon too Stapleneck mane what it do
-Truk Norris and Little Miss Ellis Wayne the Pitt and the rest of y’all fellas
-matter of fact Cracker Stacker Twisted Metal Fab thats the last
-of my name drops but y’all all great and this flow was sponsored by ALLSTATE.

Bonus:
Missed the first 3 Target Practice tracks? Here’s all of them!

Show recap for Thursday 2/20/2014

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Hey guys (and girls, presumably) it’s me again, Jenni, and yeah, I know this is like the fourth time that you’re hearing from me this week and you’re probably sick and tired of this shit already, but this is the last you’ll have to deal with until my life goes back to normal and I can just chill on my regular Thursday time slot and get back to not bothering you all that much. I can commiserate if you’re having a ‘sick of this bitch’ episode, because frankly- I’m sick and miserable and have been complaining and whiny all day and even I’m sick of me. Joe is…a fucking saint. How he spends so much time with me (read 24/7- we work and live together) and doesn’t want to kill me and only laughs when I say no to absolutely everything because I’m feeling so miserable is completely beyond me. And I don’t just say no in a regular way. I make these weird meowishbunny ‘no’ sounds. So yeah. That’s what he deals with when I’m sick on top of the following conversation today:
“Hunny, I don’t know if I’m going to sneeze or projectile vomit.”
“Sounds exciting.”
“Seriously, though. And no…it’s not exciting at all.” I’m probably tinged green at this point.
“Well, if there’s even a chance that it’s going to be vomit, how about we go to the bathroom?” And then he takes me inside (thankfully we were working at a public place and not someone’s house) where I proceed to sneeze. And then puke. Then he told me to sleep in the truck and only occasionally threw boxes at me off of rooftops. Yeah…even including this in the recap is completely unnecessary, and I don’t usually whine, but I am full-on in whine mode. I’m sorry.

Getting to what you actually came here for- when I started TJES on my app it came in in the middle of Ellis saying a sentence and he was talking about his special voice and people complaining about songs and is his voice just so special that even though people hate the music they stick around? So I’m assuming that he was talking about people complaining about the music that gets played on Faction/gets played by Ellis on Faction…and well…shut the fuck up, you guys…cause I don’t care. And my opinion almost matters sometimes. He then goes right into talking about the Reddit Ask Me Anything that he participated in this morning/afternoon (depending on your time zone) that he did with the help of Tully since Ellis isn’t that great at reading or typing, and said that they answered the hard questions. But, really, though, he did answer all of the questions that he could, but I don’t think he considered any of them hard because he went on to say that there is nothing that he can be asked that would ‘shake him up’ because he’s already said it. It’s already out there. Which, if you are a listener of the show on the reg, you already know. I checked out the AMA and it was pretty interesting, and a couple of things struck me as funny, and if you’re interested in knowing what went on you can go here and check it out. While talking about the Reddit thing Tully mentions that he has a typing-related injury (probably) that he needs to get taken care of called Dupuytren’s Disease that can be corrected with surgery and he’s been looking for a window to get it taken care of. He says that it’s been bothering him more from typing up The Awesome Guide to Life and he definitely felt himself ‘clawing’ up while he was doing the typing for Jason on Reddit this morning. Ellis, ever the caring ManBossFriend that he is gave Tully full permission to get it taken care of right now and to forgo any and all emails for the next two weeks, unless he wants to do them from his phone with the other hand. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems and music and faction and people complaining and people complaining about music…Tully asks Will, “Wasn’t it about two weeks ago that you said in two weeks you would have those results from the Faction Board of Directors to go over with us?” He asks it in his oh-so-Tully way of knowing that it was totally 2 weeks ago while trying to maintain that boyish, ‘but I could be wrong about that’ that is making me hate him because the last thing I want to recap is more Board of Directors bullshit because it stopped being funny for me about a month and a half ago. Or right now (which is more likely) because I’m supercranky. And yeah, Will says that it was about two weeks ago, but no he doesn’t have the information ready to go over with them because it’s taking longer than he thought that it would because he has the big bosses that he has to answer to and has to wait for them to ‘okay’ the changes. How long will it be before we get to hear anything more about this? Probably another two weeks- and guys…shotty not if it happens on a Thursday- unless something completely epic happens during that time I will gloss over that shit like it never happened. But, some good does come out of Will popping into the studio to talk about the Board of Directors and surveys and such…and that good is…more HateBean songs. Will fires off some quick lines for HateBean songs and everyone gets a good laugh, especially because Will tries to do an ‘in da club’ song, and if there is one thing that man should never do- it’s try to rap. Just say no, Will. Ellis talks about how if they turn the HateBean songs into ringtones and sell them they will become bajillionaires, and also probably get people to answer their phones really quickly in public because he doesn’t know how many people will be showing off their HateBean ringtones among strangers.

Will goes back to doing whatever work he pretends to do when he isn’t on air and the subject turns to Ellismania X. Or Ellismania 10. Or EM10. The big one. The hall of fame one. The one that is going to be the shit and a half and I’m already scared that Hubbs and I are going to be wayyyyyyyyyy too poor to go to unless it magically winds up on the East Coast somewhere. Ellis and Tully start tossing names around for possible people that Ellis could fight for the main event in Ellismania 10 and A LOT of names get thrown out there by Ellis, Tully, and Ellisfam (by calls and tweets) and they fall into one of several categories: Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome), Ellis Would Die, Ellis Would Kill That Guy, Are You Insane, and Maybe. Some of the ‘Not Going To Happen (But It Would Be Awesome) include- Adam Corolla, Chris Liebman, Joe Rogan, Steven Segal, and Ken Block. Some of the ‘Ellis Would Die’ are- Forrest Griffin, Jason Mamoa, Don Fry, and possibly Mike Dolce. Guys That ‘Ellis Would Kill’ and doesn’t want to fight because they aren’t real fighters are- Carrot Top and Steven Segal (yeah, I know that he’s in more than one category). The ‘Are You Insane’ contenders include- Sugar Ray Leonard (seriously? He’s gone old man crazy if he accepts the fight at all), Evander Holifield, Kimbo Slice, Miesha Tate, and Tank Abbott. The one and only maybe that came out of the super long on air brain jam was from a caller whose name was either not given or I completely missed and it was Michael Jai White. Yeah, no one knew who he was either, but he’s an actor (He was Spawn in Spawn) and Ellis said that he would totally take that fight if it would happen. Tully suggests that it would be funny if Ellis fought both of the guys from Insane Clown Posse, but backtracks quickly because no one wants the crowd at the epic EM10 to be half Juggalo. No offense. Oh shit…another maybe was M Shadows. Ellis would fight M Shadows if he decides to take on a bunch of people because that would be sweet. They talk about how Ellismania 10 is going to be big and bad because, of course, it kind of has to be, how they are going to do the Ellismania Hall of Fame, fighting Dr. Drew, and then they talk about who Tully might fight. Is there gonna be a Michael Tully/Bob Levy rematch? Probably not…but Tully will work on getting beef with somebody real quick so there’s some backstory his fight can go on.

Back from the break, Tully reminds us that tomorrow is Chad Reed day and to celebrate they will be doing all sorts of Chad Reed related things on the show tomorrow. If you want in on the action as a listener, you can choose to either compose yourself a poem about the Great Chad Reed which you can try to call and read on air, or go the easy route and email that poem to the guys at the show at SubmitToEllis@gmail.com. Easy peasy. Make it good!

Christian is in the studio back from the break and Tully informs both him and Ellis that there is an app available that allows you to keep track of how long you have sex. Which, seems pretty useless, but whatever, and that the people who made the app used it to figure out where each of the 50 US states rank in the amount of time people spend in the sack per the average session. Ellis isn’t too keen on this whole idea because he thinks it’s dumb and it’s probably a skewed perspective because obviously not everyone having sex is using this app and yaddayaddayadda, but also because Mark McGrath and Tara Beaulieu made him feel weird about his sex life since they didn’t believe him when he said that he has sex 4 to 5 times per day (on average). Before letting us know the results Tully makes a statement that he was most surprised about what the actual average times were. The number one state was New Mexico which came in at a whopping 7 minutes and 1 second and the (I guess) loser was the state of Alaska which ticked in a measly 1 minute and 21 seconds. Christian made a joke about that not being too surprising because you don’t hear that Alaska is the home to all of the great lovers or anything like that…and then Hubbs made a joke about Katie being from Alaska and I laughed. Boom. They start talking about how Ellis probably only has sex two or three times a day if ‘sex’ counts as when he cums, which is still pretty impressive and I still give him hi-fives, because that’s on average and not all that far from his prior 4 to 5 times per day assertion. They then start talking about how they don’t think a lot of women are able to orgasm in a minute and a half and that’s when I go- no wonder so many women walk around in constant BitchFace, because even the top of the list was only barely 7 minutes. I’d be all bitch in the face too!!! This turns the conversation to women who can’t have vaginal orgasms and only orgasm as a result of clitoral stimulation and Tully digging into his memory banks to say that he’s never had an extended sexual relationship with a woman who was unable to have a vaginal orgasm, so maybe the statistic of it being over 50% who can’t is a little high. Either that or he is seriously bad at feeling out a fake female orgasm.

It’s that semi-annualish time of year again! Time to go through the top contenders that the guys have received for Unsigned Bands! Here is my really bad recap of their unsigned bands segment. They play 12 songs by 12 different bands all in varying degrees of suck and make some funny comments about the varying degrees of suck. Ellis tells everyone that they shouldn’t give up on their dreams, because you never know, unless they are old because then they probably know and just need to be told to go get an education and get a real job cause that shit is just not gonna happen. They have the intern Hardcore come in to listen to some of the songs with them because he is a contrary and Hardcore fellow, but he is young and they guys are trying to stay in touch with the young blood- even if it’s only to tell the young blood that they have shitty taste in music. I guess I count as part of the young blood (though most likely on the brisk of young blood and regular ol’ blood) and I will admit that I have shitty taste in music. I mean, I don’t heart the Biebs or anything, but, I tend to love shitty poppy music, and even I could tell that most of this was just terrible. Lot of bad production, lot of just…terrible instrumental/vocal match-ups, things like that, but they whittled it down to a face off between two bands. Ellis and Christan came down on the side of a band called 610 Connecter while Tully and Hardcore were rooting for an Emo/Skatish sounding band called Abandon All Hope. They put it to the callers and at first 610 Connecter took the early lead, but by the end Abandon All Hope won in the landslide. Throughout the segment the guys had some fun playing with mustache wax and Hardcore the Intern (who really is a contrary individual the likes of which haven’t been seen since that of Mary Mary) and I feel like there might have been a bit of bonding that happened. I don’t think their view of Hardcore or Hardcore’s view of them has changed at all…but…some accepting hatred may have occurred. Just saying.

Back from the break it’s time for a game that was devised by Will, but probably more likely was the brainchild of Betsy because her name gets mentioned later on and she has a great mind for bits for the show. The game is basically a ‘How Well Do You Know Ellis?’ trivia game that is played by Tully, Jetta, Kevin, Christian, and Ellis (to see if he remembers the answers that he gave Will this morning before the AMA) and the winner of it gets to be Ellis’ best friend forever, so it’s a prize that everyone reallyreallyreally wants. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to recap this game since I listened to it and took notes on it and I’m rather stumped to be honest. It was 21 questions plus a bonus question and then there were 5 people answering and I feel like listing all of the questions and all of the answers would take up soooooooo much space. But…I’m at a loss. Seriously…a loss. I just asked Hubbs (see…a motherfucking saint, I tell you) so I’m going to write out the question, the answer, and who got it right.
1. Q: What is Jason’s favorite food in the whole entire world? A: Chocolate
Right: Ellis
2. Q: If Jason were a carpenter, what would he build himself first? A: Yer mum’s house to fuck her in    Right: Ellis
3. If Jason had another male child, what would his name be? A: Twins- Shark Fucker and Michael Jackson    Right: Ellis (Although Tully came close with Laser Fang)
4. What is Jason’s favorite music other than rock/metal? A: Hip-Hop
Right: Ellis, Tully, Kevin, and Christian
5. If he could live anywhere other than America or Australia where would it be? A: Fiji
Right: Ellis and Jetta (pretty sure, at least)
6. What is Jason’s favorite cuss word? A: Fuckin
Right: Tully and Kevin
7. How would Jason like to be buried? A: Viking Funeral
Right: Ellis and Tully
8: If Jason could have any pet, what would it be? A: Shark
Right: Ellis and Christian
9. If Jason could have any guest on his show, who would it be? A: President Obama
Right: Ellis
10. What is the most offensive jewelry a man can wear? A: Shell necklace
Right: Ellis and Tully (because he wrote the book on that…lol)
11. What does Jason think is nature’s perfect food? A: Bat Dung Coffee
Right: fucking nobody…haha
12. How much should a man spend on a first date? A: As much as it takes to get laid
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
13. What is something about men that women secretly hate? A: Farts
Right: Ellis
14. What is Jason’s favorite mixed drink? A: Rum and Pineapple
Right: Ellis and Kevin
15. What is the world’s greatest smell, according to Jason? A: His kid’s head
right: Ellis
16. What is something that annoys Ellis that people always assume about him? A: That he had sex with Sandra Bullock       Right: Ellis
17. What is the fairest fight between Ellis and an Animal? A: A Cheetah (cause he’s not runnin’ this is a fight, son)     Right: Ellis
18. If Ellis could pick one historical figure to hang out with, who would it be? A: Michael Jordan     Right: Ellis
19. What is Jason’s favorite color? A: Black
Right: Ellis, Kevin, and Christian
20. What is Jason’s lucky number? A: 1
Right: Ellis
21. Who is Jason’s hero? A: Jason Ellis
Right: Ellis and Christian
22. Who is Jason’s best friend? A: Katie
Right: Ellis and I think Christian got that right too
Christian came out the winner beating Tully by one measly point, proving to Mark McGrath once and for all, that not every game is skewed in Tully’s favor. The bonus question was a question that Will asked Rude Jude and had the guys answer. Will asked Jude what his favorite race is. Ellis guessed Spanish, Tully/Jetta/Kevin think that Jude is a White Supremacist, and Christian thought he leaned more toward the Asian Persuasion. They were all wrong. Jude’s favorite race is the hundred meter dash. Ba-dum-pshhhh. You know…that’s supposed to be the drumroll/cymbal thing after a joke. Tell me how you think it should be spelled.

Back from the last break it’s time to talk a little MMA and you may know that I am really bad at paying attention to this whole MMA thing because I’m really not into it unless I’m watching it. UFC 170 is this weekend…probably Saturday because that makes more sense than it being on Sunday and I feel like that’s usually when Hubbs and I would go out to watch it, and it’s a big card. One of the big fights is between Daniel Cormier and Patrick Durkin Cummins (and I know that only because I did the recap yesterday and had to google that shit once already) and the other fight is between Ronda Rousey and Sarah McMan (and I only remember her last name because Christian made a joke about how RR is sososososososososo hot and McMan sort of looks like a McMan). The favorites to win are Dormier and Rousey, respectively, and the guys decide to put a wager on it with some torture going to the loser. Tully and Cumtard each pick a girl, Tully going with the favorite Rousey and Cumtard stuck with McMan the underdog, and the loser has to drink a shot of their own urine. Ick. Actually…I drank pee once when I was little (because I was four and my sister was sort of evil back then) and it wasn’t enough to scar a four year old- so whatevs on that. For the second bet Ellis is backing Dormier to win over Cumtard’s Cummins (haha) and if Ellis loses he has to go on the Cumtardian’s podcast. If TardTard loses he gets to eat whatever he likes for 45 minutes (most likely some lobster tail) and then immediately has to take a big bite out of a raw onion. Because- of course, that’s why. Cumtard says that means on Monday he is going to be drinking his own pee and eating an onion, and it sure looks that way, but Tully says that he is rooting for Rousey to lose because he loves an underdog.

Final calls have sort of been happening since the guys came back from break and there are a lot of people talking about a lot of things and a lot of people getting shot and a couple of kids even call in to the show, for some reason. I’m going to skip all of that. There was one caller who called in and did not give his name, but he had some pretty devastating news: apparently his parents died in a car wreck earlier today and he was driving home to go deal with it. He said on the phone that he didn’t really have anyone to call and talk to about it, so he called Ellis and the guys because, well, Ellis is pretty good with all of this tough shit (as rough around the edges that he may be). He and Ellis talk for a while and Ellis tells him to drive extrasupersafe on his way home and that he’ll get through it, and yes, it will change his life but he should not let it destroy his life. And caller, if you are out there, if this ever crosses paths with you: I’m sure I speak for all of Ellisfam (except for that one dick who needs to have his toenails removed from his feet and forced into the walls of his anus after being barbed for his pleasure) when I say that our heart goes out to you, man. There is not much to be said so far as comfort, because…how can that be comforted? The only thing that will help with the pain will probably be time, but know that Ellisfam has your back. They’ve had my back for a while now, through some of my own tough times, and I’m sure everyone would do the same for you. Please don’t feel alone. Reach out to us here, on twitter, on instagram…we’re everywhere. Personally, I’m always good to listen. I kind of suck at talking…but I will listen and I will try and say the right thing, even if the only thing I say is “that’s shitty, I love you, hugs from far away”. Condolences, unknown caller, my heart is breaking for you.

What we learned on the show today:

I’m sick and cranky

Reddit with Ellisfam is a freewheeling conversation with your fingers

No disease will stop Tully from sending his emails

The guys got their hands on a Keytar

Kelly Slater would kick a shark’s ass in a fight and is also probably Aquaman

Don Fry has a mustache that is not to be fucked with

Ellis got Mustache Wax and a Mustache comb

Ellis is the ideal candidate for a slow poisoning by Jetta and Hardcore

Ellis’ 1st wife took forever to orgasm and it was the worst sex ever cause then she cried

Tully thought the point of sex was to make girls orgasm

Medical Marijuana may or may not help stop the spread of HIV, but it definitely helps cancer patients/terminally ill people eat food

The Raiders Cheerleaders are suing the Management for making them…be cheerleaders

Patrick Durkin Cummins was a Barista 3 days ago and may very be one again next week

Tully is gonna have a shitty weekend bc he and his wife are taking the pacifier away from LittleMan

LittleMan is not, in fact, a little man- he is a feral mutant sewer monkey belligerent idiot moron monkey junkie who doesn’t speak english

Final callers still suck and can’t stop dying

 

 

 

Show Recap for Friday 1/10/2014

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Uhhhh nah na nah naaaaa! The first Friday recap of 2014! Hold onto your nipples because you’re about to take a wild ride through my mind. *Disclaimer, you must be at least this tall to ride. Tully thinks the 70’s were the worst decade ever and I agree. How could the 70’s be so awesome if I wasn’t there? Most likely you weren’t there either so I rest my case sammybwyour honor. Ellis went to Dingo’s star studded birthday and hung out with Kellie Osborne and thought her knife cross necklace was cool be she came across as a bit of a bitch, and he also hung out with some rat pack dude. I think it was Sammy, Sammy’s a laid back cool ass morherfucker. He left right before Justin Beiber arrived and the party turned into a gigantic gay orgy. Also some cool skate dude thinks that Jason is a pretty cool skate dude, like Def Leppard, but with both arms. Speaking of only having one arm, Cumtard will be hiding at home this weekend instead of rockin his sweet doo. Ken Rockson is a name you should know, not only is he a German motocross machine but he also carries deadly weapons everywhere he goes cleverly disguised as his hands and feet! And if you are looking for more exciting moto information then here you go. It’s going to be in Phoenix. And when you’re in Phoenix buy Jude’s book, Hyena because it’s a great read and also get Onnit, it’s not a great read but your flabby ass will look better while reading Hyena by Rude Jude available at Amazon.com.

Austrian hazmat crews have to clean up dead bats in the streets in Australia because it’s really fucking hot there. I don’t know why Austrian crews are in Australia but who gives a fuck, it’s Friday. Sean Michael Hayes came in the studio and talked about the time he lived with Jason and Andrea and banged the wig off one of Andrea’s friends. He also told us photo (12)about the girl that he choked unconscious and fucked. In his defense she told him, “choke me till I pass out.” Sounds legit to me. The real reason Sean came in wasn’t to tell us about all the girls he put his penis inside, he wrote a book, then put his penis in it. Apparently Sean wrote a bunch of books, some are tales of adventure, some are full of those rhyming words. I’m sure they are fantastic books and he was married to a Dutch girl for a year after knowing her for a month. I had no idea how to fit that in. Also I have no idea how to fit these in, Hagen Daz, wooden shoes, windmills, and dikes. So go to Canadianhayes.com or follow Sean Hayes on twitter at @CanadianHayes before he gets raped by a great white shark and sold in the black market underground to the Canadian sex circus as an elephant dildo.

We returned from the break with our favorite fish masturbating friend, the dolphin. Aside from the usual raping and masturbating news we learned today that dolphins also get high on puffer fish venom. The Jason Ellis Show is bringing back it’s signature segment, Unsigned Bands. If you are an unsigned band and are ready to move out of your moms basement, just send a mp3 to unsignedbandsrds@gmail.com or ellisparodies@gmail.com or nobodygivesafuckaboutyourshittyband@gmail.com. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Walt Disney wasn’t a racist, masoganist (I don’t know how to spell that, spelling is woman work anyway), or an anti-Semite and Maryl Streep is a lying bitch. He was pretty standard dude for his day. Even his cartoon that portrays Donald Duck as a Nazi is really a cartoon about how much Nazis suck. Besides, pinning Disney as the only racist cartoonist is segregation, and that’s racist because my Mexican Gardner told me. I think that’s what he told me, his English is shit. Heres the video of the top 10 most racist cartoon moments that Cumtard showed the guys. And heres the Donald Duck Nazi cartoon he found too.

A man in Iran has been awarded the grossest man ever award because he hasn’t showered for sixty years and smokes animal shit while roaming the desert. Congratulations to you sir. Christian James Hand, who has showered in the last 24 hours, brought in more isolated vocals. Today we listened to Glen Danzing, Fleetwood Mac, Burt McCracken, Phil Anselmo, Marvin Gaye, and James Hetfield. It was another home run and an awesome listening experience. I can’t wait for the next installment. Will burst in after the master-of-puppets-james-hetfieldsegment to explain the great Piolin catering mystery. It turns out that the host of the show buys food for everyone, everyday. Mystery solved thanks to Will “no mystery goes unsolved” Pendarvis. Ash is the cleanest product on earth because it doesn’t have magma puss balls of shit in it and fire is awesome. Just thought I’d throw that out there for you. We here at NoYouAre are dedicated to bringing you informative and educational information, like mixing hand sanitizer and orange juice can get you wasted but it’s gonna taste like shit and Vodka is easier. For the last bit of the show we listened to Jason go through the button bar and buried deep in the nether regions of this dark and swampy place were some sweet licks and stuff. Some shit we’ve heard and some shit that we haven’t. What do you want? Me to write every single one down for you? I’m not yer mum, and if I were I’d be far too busy trying to figure out if it burns when I pee because I have the clap or syphilis again, OH!

Re-cap for Thursday, 10/17/2013

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show, where he is confused, but who cares about this shit? Let’s got on with the show because Rob Corddry is in the studio (or his home) and he has his shit together. If you didn’t listen (which, chances are- since you are reading this re-cap) you may not have realized that the show didn’t actually start on time. Or for…you know…like 2 hours. It’s okay though, cause this time it wasn’t because he got into a fender non-bender due to weird LA traffic, it was because he was stuck at the dentist getting a root canal. Why is this better? Because he got the gas…and anyone who has had the gas knows that getting holes drilled into your face is welllllllllll worth it. Ellis has no problem asking the dentist for gas despite the fact that he looks like a really jacked junkie, but Rob Corddry confesses that he doesn’t like asking for the gas because it makes him feel like people look at him like he’s seeking out drugs. Tully however wants to be a drugstore cowboy who looks like Rob Corddry because Corddry looks like the kind of guy who manages to be on so many drugs he looks like he isn’t actually on drugs and isn’t looking for any. Except maybe antibiotics.

Ellis chose to get the root canal done today because next week he is going to Panama, where he will spend at least one night glamping, and the dentist told him it would only take an hour. Well, a little more than 2 hours later Ellis managed to get to the elevator right as Rob Corddry did…so for all intents and purposes…he was on time. He’s the star of the show, the show isn’t the show without them, whatever time he chooses to get there is on time. Duh. While he was at the dentist getting his face drilled into and was sucking back whatever gas the dentist would let him have, he took a trip to a world where his Indian dentist transformed into Biggie Smalls and the mexican nurse turned Asian and started singing “My Blood” to him through her mask. “My Blood” if you aren’t hip and in the know, is the title of Jason’s solo song off of Death! Death! Die!’s (fuck you if you try and correct my punctuation on that one cause I would love for you to do better) upcoming album, which features a solo song from each member of the band that we all know and love and had the number one selling album (in Canada) on iTunes. Red Dragons. Ellis explains that originally he didn’t want to do a solo song, because he doesn’t think he’s that good with music…or lyrics, but he did one anyway since he loves the band and everyone else was doing it.

Rob Corddry did a bunch of movies and television shows for the year of 2013. Have you seen or heard of any of them? I haven’t because I don’t really watch television or go to movies that don’t have Bruce Willis or Harry Potter in them. One movie was Warm Bodies, where he played a zombie that started thinking. Which is one hell of a role, all things considered, since most zombies don’t have functioning frontal lobes. Another movie he was in was called Pain & Gain with a little actor you may have heard of: Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. And even I know who that is, thanks to the Fast & Furious franchise (before there were too many movies for me to care anymore). How is working with The Rock? Awesome, since the apparent reason for The Rock’s excessive amounts of shiny muscley-ness is to protect his big, squishy, heart of gold. The Rock is a great guy who is liked by all and always seemed to be in a good mood, and probably doesn’t drink any of the tequila that he tweets with steak. Corddry has never seen The Rock’s penis, but has a good idea of what it’s like- utter perfection. Large, in charge, and no Rawdog, it doesn’t have its very own set of pecs, but it’s glorious nonetheless. Prolly just as shiny as the rest of him parting clouds in the sky for rays of sunshine to bounce off of while an unseen chorus holds a splendid chord of praise. Yeah, I can see that.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of dicks in Hollywood that aren’t attached to built former pro-wrestlers turned movie stars. Who in particular? No one is naming names- but the breakdown is as follows: Actors are narcissistic dicks, Directors are controlling dicks, and the studio guys are the dicks who give all the other dicks back door blowjobs. In Hollywood you can only be a dick once because if you’re a dick to two people and they know each other, say goodbye to your career. Kathryn Heigl, for instance, is not a dick. Wait for it…I’m getting there. Kathryn Heigl has been all over the place lately with her winning too white for real life smile being all sorts of sweet because she thought she had more than one get out of dick-jail free card to the point where she surpassed being a dick and is just a big ol’ cunt that no one wants to work with. When you’re working in a place where it’s a safe bet 90 percent of the other people think their shit is just as odorless as yours, you probably shouldn’t go around acting like you aren’t base enough of a human being to shit in the first place. Because then, you’re just a cunt, and no one wants to make movies with you.

Pornstars also have cunts. They, however, usually have the good kind of cunt. The sexy kind that it’s alright to talk about. Have you noticed that the pornstars on Instagram have been posting lots of pics from the doctor with “Still open for business!” on the caption? I haven’t either, but, it’s a thing now. All the pornstars wanna let you know that it’s all good in the hood. Rat (I’m all kinds of snarky today). Tully and Rawdog inform Ellis and Corddry that this may be due to the fact that recently it was all over the news that there were a couple of pornstars who turned up HIV+, which is really shitty because porn is a business that hurts no one. I’m not trying to be sarcastic, porn is a great industry that aims to make people happy. Following this mini-outbreak the porn industry in California had to take an AIDs break, which was a great joke, but it also actually happened. The government shut down all filming (which is probably where the government got the idea of a shutdown of their own in the first place) until everyone could get tested and made sure every porn star knew that it was illegal for them to be fired for requesting males to use a condom during performance. Really.

Only half of Ellis’s face is working, but it’s still smarter than Rawdog’s whole face. What a surprise! Said no one. Ever. How high is Ellis exactly? Not high enough to not need a painkiller from Katie. Ellis informs us that there are two sorts of painkillers out there in the world- regular pain killers and the ‘get your bones ground down’ painkillers. If you get your bones ground down you get Percocet. However, if you go down the Mega Ramp in a basketball jersey and melt the skin off of your back and have good friends, you get Oxycontin and tell stories to people on balconies for 12 wonderful time-released hours. Corddry has also taken Oxycontin (albeit for non pain related activities…and only once) and says that it is wonderful. It’s too bad that Hillbillies ruined it by crushing it and snorting it. Ugh. Fucking Hillbillies. Tully says it wasn’t just the Hillbillies and he has multiple Hollywood figures and athletes to back that statement up, because smoking it is a thing now. But…Corddry is right, Oxycontin would be wonderful if it was prescribed and imbibed the way it was meant to be. But we’re humans and we don’t really know how to be smart like that. Drugs are bad.

You know what’s better than drugs for pain? More pain! Seriously. Josh questions this, thinking pain + pain = lots of pain, but Ellis insists that there comes a point where the pain just kind of cancels itself out. Even planning some major rager of a balls to the wall about to be knocked by a wrecking ball pain fest helps to start numbing out the pain. For example- Jason’s tooth hurts. He bets that if he starts calling Tokyo and Josh’s mom and says that he is just going to bring on the pain rain in their lives he would start to feel better. Josh thinks that will only work insofar as until Tokyo and his mom figures out who’s calling…and that the person has an achilles heel in their mouth. Josh is 100 percent convinced they will then attack his tooth. Damn. Maybe Josh should get his face drilled for a bit and make a comeback.

Rob Corddry should have a show on Ellis’s fabled upcoming channel. But, for real though. Ellis basically offered Rob the job on air who immediately and whole heartedly accepted (right before getting cold feet) because he has nothing going on. Which I don’t think is all that true considering he has an ongoing television show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim- Children’s Hospital, and also has a new movie coming out, Hot Tub Time Machine 2. But Ellis didn’t find out about the new Hot Tub movie from Rob, he found out from co-star Clark Duke who he chatted with in the KTLA green room right before going out and KILLING IT. Why chat it up with the Duke? Because the other guy in the green room was that guy in The Patriot who betrayed his not really his yet almost a country and killed women and children by locking them in a church before setting it on fire because Jason Isaacs told him to. Dick.

Is Luke Skywalker the last Jedi? Or did he start on an all new race of Jedi after the credits? I’m sure he spawned some Jedi, and so did Leia and Han, because let’s not forget that Leia and Luke are twins so she probably could have kicked Darth’s ass just as hard. Except she would probably still have both of her real hands. Tully says that the only reason Luke was any sort of a bad ass Jedi was because his father was Darth fucking Vader, and who wouldn’t be a killer Jedi with that kind of backing. Ellis doesn’t think Luke was all that awesome because he lost a hand in the deal and was kind of a whiny little bitch throughout most of the series…but then again, so was Hayden Christiansan who played little Darth Vag, so maybe it’s just a familial phase. No way could Luke take Darth Maul and his double-ender. Another fight we all missed out on in the series- Darth Maul versus Master Yoda. Who would win? Will we ever know? Yoda was a pretty punchy, tumbly, acrobatic bastard…so it seems like it would be a ridiculous fight between his CGI’d little body and the crazy acrobatic Darth Maul. Set it up, Dana White. Josh’s most wanted fictional fight is a throwdown between Harry Potter and Frodo. Wizard against Hobbit. Who wins? With their magical powers Josh says that Frodo would win. Ellis says that it has to be without magic, good old fashioned brawl. Josh then says Potter would probably lay on the hurt because he’s bigger. Who would really win? The fans.

Time for a break. Or not, cause Jason is high. But don’t get cranky and pick on him, who else gets a root canal and then goes to their job? On top of that…who gets a root canal and then goes to their job where the number one requirement is fucking talking?!?!?!

Back from the break? So’s the government!!! Haha. It is though, not that anybody really missed it. Oh….maybe all those temporarily unemployed people did. Sorry. No one else did. The stenographer for the House of Representatives probably could have used the furlough since the stress of typing built upon her so that she started ranting in the middle of the House’s vote. It involved freemasons and the Illuminati or something. She got dragged out, still ranting, by security. Who probably were working for the freemasons.

It’s time to find out who is the next 5 Finger Death Punch!!!!!!!! Are you excited? Or are you as angry as Ellis that such a downright shit-level Nickelback 3 band is raking in the dough by sucking balls? He made a mental note to share with us that he heard 5 Finger Death Punch on Octane (or somewhere) and was so enraged by how fucking terrible they were he had to mention their ass sucking on the radio. Check mark next to that box. The good news though, for all of you sucky bands out there? There will always be whores who like you because you’re in a band and they will give you a blowjob when you’re in town. Really can’t ask for much more outta life than that.

This actually was an introduction to the long-awaited segment Unsigned Bands versus Unsigned Farts. After hundreds upon hundreds of submissions, of which at least 20 were from bands, Tully presented us with the best of the best and pitted them against one another. In all we heard 12 bands and farts (if I’m reading my handwriting correctly) and I’m pretty sure the farts won. The best fart? That was from Bobby…a fart that came in hot and scared Katie winning its way into our hearts. Or something. The bands were…kind of like the best of the worst of New Music Tuesday. Most caused a collective “LOL!!!!!!!” after a few bars were played. The Dirty Bourbon River Show was a band and they annoyed me by having that super long name and then an even longer name on their single and sounded like the music you wake up in the gutter to the afternoon after a Mardis Gras celebration covered in white substance that you only hope is leftover from the donuts at Cafe du Monde. Extermination Protocol was well received by all of the guys, despite their horrible name, and then EP made the mistake of tweeting that they were a one man band. Which is impossible. So, go back to the losers circle. Cage9 is a band from South America that wasn’t all that bad either and could probably be successful here in North America if the singer shaved his head. Actually, Cage9 can only have the USA, Canada is DDD! territory.

Before commencing the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge with Tully and Katie we hear the newest gem from the Jingleberries. It’s a remix of Katie’s sex-tastic workout breathing to the beat of Push It by Salt-N-Peppa. I would listen to that song on repeat. I may have my first girl-crush ever on Katie. Ellis informs Rob (and reminds the rest of us) that the reason Tully is doing the challenge is to help motivate the fans. Which is the reason Josh previously did a challenge and Ellis is constantly doing insane shit. Every fan has their favorite, Josh himself has tens of fans that were motivated by him to get in shape. But really, the guys want their fans to live long and keep listening. Get in on it and check out the Onnit challenge for yourself.

Things we learned today:

Ellis’s brother had a baby boy today- Welcome to the World Bailey Ellis!!!

At the dentist, all Rod Corddry hears is “Spit now, please”

Dentists are really drug dealers for reluctant pussy junkies

Tom Cruise and Will Smith are so successful because they probably don’t drink

Rob Corddry was on the Daily Show

Rawdog is getting man-boobs, and if he worked at it he could have pecks…so we know soon he’ll probably just have man-boobs

“I can’t feel this side of my nose so when I pick it, it’s like rape” – Jason Ellis

Old Testament God was full of wrath, New Testament God sacrificed Jesus for our sins because He loves us sososososososososo much

Some of the farts were probably simulated

Michael was farting during the Andy Sandberg show

Men probably shake hands as an evolved show of dominance

To be King of the World you need to pay for Hollywood Wives and have sex with whores at the gym

Men on the Ultimate Fighter should really stop crying cause it’s hard to punch through all the tears

Katie’s boobs are getting bigger (your welcome Jason) and she isn’t pregnant

Katie’s dicks keep getting tangled

Children’s Hospital airs Thursday nights at Midnight on Adult Swim and next week is part I of the season finale with fucking explosions and fucking fucking

Ellis throws a great jerkoff party

Flowers are fun cause God should be

Visit patriotguard.org

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 10/10/2013

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Before I jump in to the actual re-cap for all of you currently heading to or in Las Vegas for Ellismania 9, I wanted to take a seond and thank all of my absolutely amazing Ellisfam and the guys here at NYA for reaching out to me over this past week and offering support for the tough shit that is going on in my life. I have never known such a wonderful goup of people before and I’m so grateful for all the love being sent my way.

NOW…business as usual…

Happy Australian Birthday to the main man who is the reason that I’m writing this and that you’re reading this…Jason Ellis. The King of the West is either officially or unofficially 42 years old and unsure about how he feels about it because 42 is old. Old enough that all the people walking around the good ol’ US of A who are currently old enough to drink weren’t alive when Ellis was first legally allowed to drink in this country but not so old that he’s hit the point of no return life drop off age (which is 46, according to Tully). Ellisfeels a little bit proud of himself for all that he has accomplished at this point in life, but thinks he probably should feel more proud of himself (and he should) and wants everyone to know that he is looking forward to accomplishments that won’t result in further brain damage like race car driving, skating with his kids, and camping. He has not yet begun to talk about things like insurance or politics, but is taking to heart comments from Devin like, “why are you still doing this?” in regard to him fighting. No, he doesn’t have to pull out of the fight this Saturday at Ellismania 9, but if he gets a black eye in the fight then Devin is gonna sock him one and make his other eye black with her daddy-inherited heacy hands. Good thing she is too young to know about detached retinas.

Tim Sabean called Ellis this morning just to see how things were going and ask if fhe needed anything because Ellis is the King of the West and the show is finally getting some of the SiriusXM TLC that it deserves. Yes, there are still glitches here and there because it’s a new studio and lay the fuck off, but things are getting done. Wilson introduced the ever talked about and never before seen to exist VIP lines for TJES and texted the number to all the VIPs out there…except Butterballs. Ellis mentioned a fight on twitter with the one replay hater who finds listening to morning replays so obnoxious that he feels the need to tweet about it and how he’s fighting a losing battle because Faction is going to be Ellis’s channel one day. Really?!?! Fucking sweet.

Throughout the show we’re getting running commentary on some spanish Soap Operas the guys have playing in the studio which seem to feature a maniac Mexican man who looks like he works at Bruce Lee Burgers and is beating and killing members of his family with blood on his face, wearing the same shirt for days and not giving enough fucks to wipe his nose blood away. Tully says he noticed that everyone in the new building is falling into the TV trap and that it’s the main difference between listening to East Coast versus West Coast SiriusXM. Opie and Anthony never comment on what’s going on on TV, but they’ve been spoiled for so long that the novelty has worn off at this point. Don’t complain about their sudden exclamations over what’s happening just out of our sight…they’re fucking hilarious and if your driving or if your mind has wandered for a second hearing Ellis, Tully, or Rawdog yell, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” is the perfect way to snap you back into focus. There’s also another new TV on the wall which beams videos from Tully’s computer to the screen for them all to see easier, but after plugging it into Josh’s computer and re-plugging it into Tully’s it has stopped working. Way to go Josh. But anyway…

There were some fights on last night with the main even being Jake Shields, which is a drag, because despite technically being a good fighter he is a very boring fighter and there are no winners when your main event is a boring fight. You know what fights won’t be boring? The fights happening this weekend at Ellismania 9 that if you (like me) aren’t able to trek out to Vegas you can catch at Ellismania.com. Erika has to drop out of the girl fight because she has a lung infection, but don’t worry, plenty of female listeners answered the call to volunteer themselves as a fill in!!!!! Lots of chicks are ready to get down and dirty at Ellismania and have the oppurtunity to try and beat the shit out of another girl. Is this going to be the last fight every for Ellis? No, probably not, but he is saying that he doesn’t really want to be the main event anymore. Why? Because he isn’t looking to be on the road to pain and go around killing himself training to the point where he forgets that Ellismania is supposed to be fun anymore. He still wants to be in fights, but he wants to be in fun fights fighting leprechauns for a pot o’ gold pinata stuffed with goodies or whatever other fun fight pops into his head. Ellis is in it for the fans. He kept this going alone and kept thinking that if he kept it up long enough that someone bigger would come along and want to be involved, and SiriusXM is finally interested. Determination gets you everywhere!!!

Hey, you know your super cool collection of random bits of audio and rarely heard songs and tidbits from bands/actors/movies that you spent so much time and effort gathering? Well, the joke is on you because it’s all on the internet now!!!! ROFL. But seriously, back in the day it took work to be a fan and you spent time and effort getting your hands on everything and anything that had to do with whatever you were interested in. Now it is all constantly in your pocket or palm courtesy of the free WiFi hotspot you’ve found with your smartphone. Like the video Tully found of Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers choreographring fight scenes for Rocky. Ellis thinks that they should make a tv show for Mexico because they’re TV standards are ridiculous and it would be no problem to come up with an idea. Rawdog brings up a new show being talked about (if only by him) called Celebrity Champion where celebs compete in gymnastics and have Mary Lou Rhetton judge them. It will be a safer show than Splash (where someone thought it would be a good idea to get celebs to high dive with no experience) so viewers can look forward to not seeing someone almost die on the show every week. The lady who is the voice behind Siri has been found, although Apple will neither confirm nor deny it, and Ellis loves Siri because she helps him spell out texts to tell Grant Cobb that he is impressed with the couch that he built for the studio.

Back to fights, out of all of the fights going on at Ellismania this weekend (which I really really really am bummed to not be there you lucky fucks who are!!!!) Ellis is the most concerned about the fight between Sam Ruben and Tera Patrick, mostly because neither one of them wants to be punched in D face and chances are one of them will be, if not both. Sam can try and joke about it as much as he wants, but everyone knows he really can’t roll into work on Monday sporting a black eye becasue KTLA is no joke and have harder asses than the FCC. Although, Tully does point out that morning news programs tend to be more fun and light-hearted and can roll with the punches, so why not roll with the punches that landed on Sam’s face and caused his black eye? After all, there was a newscaster in North Carolina who mistook cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe for grapenuts and ate it. Live. On television. And informed everyone after the fact that it was cat vomit and not grapenuts. As if it being grapenuts excused the action of eating food off of the bottom of his shoe in the first place. Holy fucking shit. What a scofflaw that guy is, huh?

Wait. What? Scofflaw? Where the hell did that come from Rawdog? I have a pretty spectacular vernacular and I had to google that shit to have google yell at me and call me a dumb bitch for not knowing how to spell it. That is some serious prohibition era bullshit to drop like it’s the word ‘jerk’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about so dont be surprised you’re getting called out on it and being called a show-off for your off-brand, hipster-know-it-all foul word play, because everyone knows the word plethora because every human being alive has seen the Three Amigos. Ellis knows plethora because he’s better at remembering shit when he’s punched in the face afterward. And for all the other know-it-alls out there who wanna correct facts and be all ‘LOL Oxford-boy, how’d you get that one wrong’ it’s because useless shit falls out of your brain if you don’t have a photographic memory and haven’t been in the halls of learning for more than a decade. By the way, Rawdog, how are you feeling about your fight against Nick Swardson in two days? Apparently Rawdog is feeling the same way about it as he has every other fight and would prefer not to get into even the most vague of specifics concerning strategy or training because it’s gonna be a surprise (both to him and everyone there). But Ellis tells him he better make it good for the fans, because people are pulling crazy stunts to be there and if Ozzy is 60 and jumping around stage for fans at concerts then Josh can put on a good fight.

Yes, more Ellismania stuff because it starts tomorrow and of course they are going to talk about it endlessly today! People are calling in from all over the country and Canada to say they are on their way and they are pumped and who can blame the guys for talking about it?!?!?!?! Aaron from Wyoming will have driven 16 hours by the time of the show tomorrow and is only staying to see TJES at the Hard Rock Hotel poolside because he has to get back home. Tully is going to buy him lunch as an insurance policy against the show sucking, which seems impossible as there will be plenty going on with the Little Miss Jason Ellis pageant and the commencement of butt judging. Wilson says he bets that no one can bribe him over the next few days in order to be judged the best butt…so do your worst!!!!!! Lots of stuff is going to be available for purchase at Ellismania, but also a ton of stuff is going to be given out so keep your twitter alerts active for updates from Ellis and Tully for when they decide to give shit away. Known oppurtunities for freebies thus far are at the DDD! show where Ellis and Tera Patrick will be throwing goodies off stage and Wilson will have cum ra-errrrr…bar towels.

Fartathon 2013 is here! Next week, Tully promises us that there will be a sort of new segment where Unsigned Bands will be facing off against Unsigned Farts!!! The bad news????? No one is sending farts to Ellisparodies@gmail.com !!! What the hell, guys? Just like everybody poops, everybody farts (but they don’t want the poop farts so abstain from sending those) so where have all the flatulent fellas gone? Is Ellis to blame for telling guys that it’s disgusting to fart on or in front of their girls? I am a girl and I will tell you, it’s really okay to fart in front of your lady. Not on her, because then you fully deserve to be kicked in the teeth, but as a girl myself I have come to learn that guys fart. They love to fart. It’s the most natural form of comedy there is! Hubbs farts, I call him Stinky Butt and we move on with life. I for one will have my phone at the ready for his farts so I can do my Ellisfam duty and make sure there’s enough audio for the segment. And they aren’t going to stop talking about farts until they get them, which is why during the Fartathon we learn that termites are the organism on Earth that fart the most and can even turn themselves into self-destructing suicide fart bombers (because who doesn’t want that superpower in a bind), vegetarians fart more than us carnivors, the average person passes gas 14 times a day (so really get over it), and rice is the only food known to man which doesn’t cause your anus to vibrate and spew methane gas.

During the premiere of 12 Years a Slave, the current frontrunner for the next Best Picture, there was some dumb bitch in lace gloves texting throughout the entire movie. Even after another moviegoer requested she cease and desist this woman informed the “enslaver” that her texting was for business and he should self-righteously fuck off. That last part may have been ad-libbed but it fits within the context. Who was this bitch? Madonna. For real. Sources are reliable on this one and Madonna has forever lost her shot so far as Ellis is concerned and whether she knows it or not. No, there shouldn’t be texting during movies because the movies exist to untether you from life for a while and immerse you in another reality and the whole effect is ruined if you won’t let yourself be untethered! Duh!

Wrapping up the show is the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge featuring Tully lining them up and Katie knocking them down. They are up to doing 4 reps of each exercise and Tully performs them with great form sans microphone before we are treated to Katie’s heavy breathing sextacular workout. Katie has always been hot. Hearing her moan as she exercises is mind blowing. And in case you were wondering, her face looks exactly the same as it does sometimes, according to Ellis. And we all know what he’s talking about.

Now…OFF TO ELLISMANIA 9!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today (some of which you may have heard from That Guy Dan already)

If your boss punches you it’s perfectly alright for you to blast him back

Ellis is hard on Vanessa because he wants her to be successful

Your ass doesn’t throbwith pain from being licked- but it might from being kicked

Tully left Ellis because he was still young and free enough to try new things and didn’t want to be the producer

10 years from now Ellis might be sporting either an eye patch or a golden eyeball

When Tully’s wife is away his life is all about Doritos and Parliments

Oregen is like Washington State with a stick up its ass

Tully has never been able to touch his toes

Ligaments, Tendons, and Muscles are not the same things

Tully doesn’t like hearing his farts

Ellis likes hearing his own farts

Flap the lip, get the whip

Your girlfriend might be stupid if she doesn’t turn her phone off at the movies

Great movies are today’s collective religious experience

Katie has bursts of cunt

Ellis won’t celebrate his divorce by getting married later that day

Not every butt gets a sticker, but every butt will be judged.

HAVE FUN at Ellismania 9 to all who are going!!!! Be ridiculous! Safe travels! Take lots of pictures and make all of us who can’t be there insanely jealous and guarantee that we’ll be there next year!!!!!!