Bert drops by and hears his intro to the show. He reveals that he & his wife’s “couple song” is Kung-Fu Fighting, to which Ellis shares his & Katie’s “couple song.” Bert then promptly sings a little “couples song” ditty more in Ellis’ & Katie’s liking.
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I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.
So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.
AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.
So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,
It’s game time! Today’s game is “What’s on my balls” with @KevinKraftSucks as the contestant. No prizes, no real winners, just a blindfolded Cumtard trying to guess what is being put on his balls.
If you’ve ever wondered how Cumtard sounds in the throws of ecstasy, it sounds exactly like when he’s terrified. High quality & hilarious scream-fest ensues.
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Let it be known that if you’re in the bay area and have posted an ad on Craigslist for any sort of help needed that involves a pickup truck, I have probably responded to it. And let it also be known that Craigslist has some really miscategorized shit in its “miscellaneous manual labor” section. For shame, foot sniffing guy. A hundred bucks is a hundred bucks, but letting someone massage and inhale the death stench of my working feet is not manual labor. That belongs in the “missed connections” section. Speaking of inappropriate shit posted on the internet, IT’S RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show kicked off with the guys admitting that sometimes it’s just pointless to try and plan and winging it is perfectly acceptable when all else fails. Tully got to sleep correctly last night and watch garbage truck videos on YouTube with the McGook baby this morning. He’s coming to the realization that little kids just like watching big machines move. It got weird to him because eventually Linsanity just started watching videos of other kids playing with their toys and that made Tully say “HEY YOU LITTLE SHIT!!! YOU’VE GOT TOYS OF YOUR OWN AND I’VE GOT WORK TO DO!!! HOW’S ABOOT YOU GO MAKE USE OF WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD OF LIVING VICARIOUSLY THROUGH ALL THE OTHER KIDS?!?!?!?!!?!?!” OK, maybe it didn’t go exactly like that, but he would’ve liked to see his kid be more of a doer and less of a watcher. Let it be known that if I’m gonna try and be Canadian, I will keep saying aboot until they let me join their courteous ranks. Tully won’t let him watch Power Rangers though, cause he doesn’t wanna bastardize his mom’s side of the family heritage by exposing him to Americanized versions of Japanese comics. Pendarvis stepped in to give his absentee father opinion that maybe Tully needs to get a second screen for the kid to watch so he can be silent and occupied, as any good southern father would suggest. But it’s not as much of a negligent parent thing to do as filming your kids playing with toys for the entertainment of others on YouTube. Still though, it’s better than feeding your kids fifty million advertisements for overpriced bits of plastic and sugary breakfast treats that are delicious any and every time of day. Tully has drawn the line at Barney though, and I have to back him. Fuck that fat purple alcoholic and his obvious yet unspoken statutory relationship with that sveldt young green dinosaur. Jason talked for a while about how it’s awesome that he knows Tony Hawk, and that Tony is well connected enough that he had Yo-Gabba-Gabba live at his kid’s birthday party. Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) did a gag video for Yo-Gabba-Gabba with Tony for an almost real live hoverboard, and they trolled the entire internet with it cause Michael J. Fox sure as hell can’t be trusted not to injure himself doing something like that. Too bad it’s not real though, retired skaters with arthritic knees could probably make their mega ramp comeback with a device like that, since there’s no impact on the legs during landing due to the fact that the device is floating on air. The guys talked for a while about how technology is growing faster than ever, but in all the wrong directions, like fuel efficient cars instead of virtual fuck machines. There might be some kinda sweet medical advances sometime in the next few years though, just as long as big pharma doesn’t get their wallets wrapped around it. Still though, would’ve been nice if Einstein had gotten the flying skateboard to happen instead of that stupid atom bomb. I mean, what the fuck did that ever accomplish, really? Ellis was on Dr. Drew On Call again and it seems like some of the other guests are getting a little sick of him cause most TV talking heads are generally horrible people and don’t like anyone with opinions, conflicting or not, that prevent them from speaking their own, at length, whether you ask them to or not. Namely, somebody got uppity at Jason cause he made a joke about the Oscar Pistorious trial. Of course, nobody remembers the four minute speech about defying your haters that Katt Williams used in a comedy special in which he specifically cited Oscar Pistorious (AKA Tink Tink), cause that shit was inspirational as all fuck and showed how corrupt the Olympics really is, but who would have known he’d get arrested for shooting his girlfriend through a door after having Olympic Gold revoked due to the fact that not having legs is an unfair advantage in track and field? What it all boils down to is people are too quick to judge these days, and if you can’t learn to accept some shit once in a while, just don’t leave the fucking house anymore. Some dude called in to talk about anti-gravity technology, but that shit was already proven impossible on Mythbusters, plus dude couldn’t respond when spoken to, so the call was ended. There were some more phone calls about how to troll the Dr. Drew On Call audience and guests, like slapping the shit out of some bongos after every question, or wearing one of those two can helmets and having Sprite on one side and cough syrup on the other, gettin’ sizzurped out live on TV like an absolute retard savant. The guys kicked around more ideas for rocking out on the air when they just don’t have anything planned and need to fill time, Jason was thinking of bringing an amp in the studio for Tully to wail on, and Tully thought a drum kit would be a good idea, which Ellis countered by suggesting Steve Vai as a co-host, and that’s a hard one to argue. Ellis was on Kevin and the Bean today and although he happily guested, they can still both go suck a massive barbed phallus. They were talking some kind of shit about the radio industry and how the Clear Channel advertising propaganda machine is a far superior organization to be a part of than crummy old SiriusXM. Clear Channel, the same company that bought my favorite childhood radio station, along with several others I might almost tolerate, and turned them into more top 40 crap and forced my hand to buy a Sirius radio all of 7 years ago. Yep, Clear Channel, the guys who own pretty much every billboard in America and deny anyone from renting them based solely on the content if it offends any of their shareholders. That Clear Channel. Kudos, K&B, all you’re doing is making me right. Thank you. The guys discussed for a while how scary/utopian it would be to have a dog with monkey intelligence. It could make you a sandwich and actually add something to the conversation but it could also be licking its balls during the whole thing, cause you just can’t fight the urges of your species. While we all stew on that, lets crank some Barracuda and reminisce about the good old days when rearranging the genome for our own convenience and entertainment wasn’t even a discussion topic.
In case you haven’t heard, Jason is gonna be having a book signing/trampoline session with the fans over in Rancho Cucomonga this Saturday. If you’re nearby and want some sharpie scribbles on some stuff, get a dog up ya. And if I haven’t destroyed all your faith in the American Government yet, Obama is planning to build a shittier version of Iron Man, not starring Robert Downey Jr. It doesn’t fly, it doesn’t shoot missiles, it’s never gonna be on tabloid covers for drug related arrests, it’s basically a steel coffin mounted on a Rascal Scooter. Katie stopped by the studio to weigh in on this and other things, and after plowing this suit through a wall (or at least attempting to) maybe she can maim a gerbil with it or something so that she can have one of her friends taxidermy it for some coffee table art. This Iron Man knock off is about as legitimate as those Skechers that plump up your ass, basically another marketing ploy to keep people assuming they have problems that a corporate entity can solve for the low low price of nobody else is doing it so you’ll pay whatever the fuck we tell you. The guys took some phone calls about this ridiculous idea that the military is undertaking for absolutely no benefit to anyone or anything, and basically unless you’re a billionaire playboy, you should keep the mechanical suit ideas to your fucking self. And for no clear reason at all, the guys and gal took a long roundabout way to tell us all that boat people are fucking shady, which makes pretty reasonable sense, cause nobody has ever done any pirating on land or in the air. Zeppelin pirates would be fucking awesome though, basically the only people they could stop midair to be pirated would be advertising blimps and they would take those fuckers for everything they could, which would be maybe $50 in scrap metal and the slowest aerial dogfights in history. There was some chatting about Naomi Campbell for no clear reason, but the guys might bring back a revamped version of the Steven Seagal game with Ms Campbell as the subject, and that could be pretty funny. There were some more phone calls about things and stuff, and people really need to learn how to respond when spoken to, especially when they’re the ones making phone calls. So the real reason Katie stopped by today was to do her very own version of New Music Tuesday, but not necessarily brand new, just new to most of us. Since Katie is a Black Metal psychopath, most of her selections came from the deepest circles of hell and brought back with them a thousand years of suffering not to be halted by your pathetic Judeo-Christian false idols. First track we heard was Devil’s Night by a band called God Module (possibly featuring HateBean and Michael Tully, we can’t really be sure but it does sound like it) and it was a little more dance-ey than murder-ey, but definitely the kind of thing one might see in the next Underworld sequel, complete with the same vocal effect that pretty much every industrial band that has ever existed uses. After that was a song by HTRK (pronounced Hate Rock) and it was still electronic stuff, but more slow paced, like if you were gonna commit passionate murder against a junkie hooker after a long round of opiate fueled hate fucking. Next up was The Chameleons UK and if you like Bauhaus and the slow stuff from Joy Division or The Cure, you might like this one. It was kinda catchy, but not enough for me to think of anything particularly funny to say about it. As Katie put it, “It’s good music for driving through fog.” After that was a band called //Tense// and it was another great song for some almost-snuff-porn-that-may-or-may-not-include-lots-and-lots-of-heroin. Maybe it’s just me, but Katie seems to like a lot of music from the 80’s that seems like it would go well wit heroin, just an opinion from watching lots of weird dark movies I suppose. Next band was Salem playing a song that falls in the genre “witch-house” and as much as I hate most electronic music, I could totally see this being used on a pretty well made indie horror flick, possibly something produced by Rob Zombie. It fit perfectly as a backdrop to that fucked up porn clip from the sex, sports or animal game from last week. You remember, the lady with the massively blasted out asshole who was cumsharting all over the dude’s dick? Yeah, that one. After that we heard from a band called Primal Scream, which started out as an alternative band and then went more psychedelic thing later. There’s a couple of songs from them that I’ve enjoyed, this wasn’t one of them. Would make a good soundtrack to the opening scene in an Episode of CSI where a junkie hooker gets murdered though. Next was Nightmare Fortress with more ass pounding music that could be accented well with some heroin. HEROIN AND AGGRESSIVE BUTT FUCKING, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT THAT’S ALL ANY OF THIS CAN MAKE ME THINK OF PEOPLE!!! Next one down the line was O (not just O, but oOoOO) which was more witch-house and would fit perfectly in the credit reel of a movie that included lots of heroin and butt fucking. AGGRESSIVE butt fucking. The guys took some phone calls and everybody was complaining like they were getting fucked in the ass with no heroin to soften the blow, but then trying to make comparisons like how screamo music and the band HIM is darker than what Katie is playing, and as a person with very mixed tastes, if it makes me want to do some smack-powered-anal-rampaging, it’s dark fucking music. HIM sucks on a level that is leaps and bounds beyond normal sucking, and screamo is an insult to the punk rock I’ve come to hold so dear. It eventually came back around to the statement I made earlier that if you don’t like it, stay in your room and disinvolve yourself with the entire outside world, the rest of us will appreciate you for it. A couple people called in to reinforce the opinion that people need to broaden their fucking horizons, and pretty much all of them said they could enjoy this stuff if they were fucking while it was playing (Butt fucking. Heroin. You knew I was gonna say it, and I guarantee I wasn’t the only person thinking it). Next was a band called the Murder City Devils, which was completely different from everything else that’s been played so far, more along the lines of psychobilly but a little closer to just some good fun rock music. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I could see myself having vaginal sex without the assistance of heroin with this playing in the background. Finally we heard Light Asylum as and after a long slow new wave build there was a black lady who sang like a shitload of white male 80’s pop stars, but it kind of worked for this particular song, so I’ll give it a pass. Katie desperately needed to piss, so the guys cut off the segment right there and that’s fine with me and a lot of other people, I’m sure.
In case you hadn’t hear, Blake Shelton from Workaholics just turned 30, and in the same day his wife popped out a brand new baby! Good on ya, Blake, keep it classy with the naked selfies next to your wife and kid, nobody’s ever gonna blackmail anybody with that! Some guy in Florida (America’s herpes outbreak, as I’m wont to call it) got fired from his job at a high school for being too old and after he won the lawsuit against the school his cunt of a daughter went and fucked it all up by tweeting that “mommy and daddy are gonna be paying for a vacation in Europe” and because he had to sign a confidentiality clause, that was pretty much null and void after his fucktarded spawn spilled the beans and he had to give the money back. Too bad, I’d have been happy to hear about her losing her passport and having to resort to some heroin fueled butt fucking at an Amsterdam brothel just to get her papers in order to come back stateside. But fuck all of that, cause Joanna Angel is in the studio today to hang with the guys and play a game with Cumtard. This game marks the triumphant return of The Smartest Box In The World, which if you don’t remember, is Kevin Kraft’s balls stuffed through a hole in the top of a shoebox lid that has a lady drawn around the balls, with the balls being placed right where the lady’s titties would be. This game requires that Joanna place things on Kevin’s balls and he has to guess what they are based on shape, weight, general level of shame from having his balls hanging out in a room full of people, and so on. Before all that though, the guys had to rap for a while about how people are a bunch of bitches and always gotta stir the pot and try to start some shit with everybody, I blame reality TV and Facebook for turning everybody into a whiny fucking 14 girl on her period. Once more, stay inside, tin foil on your windows, pull the covers over your head and keep your bullshit to yourself. Joanna was really surprised that Jetta showed up to work in a dress and a wig today, but considering her line of work, it’s probably not the most disturbing thing to see in an average day. After Cumtard’s balls got done prarie dogging in and out of the Smartest Box In The World, the game got underway. If there was any way I could relay the sheer awesomeness of the many items and sounds and hilarity that ensued, I would do so, but unfortunately there are not words that can accurately recreate this scene, but god damn I was laughing like a fucking moron during this whole escapade. If you go check the on demand while you still can, it starts right about the 2 hour 35 minute mark, I highly recommend it. But I can tell you this much, Tully drew nipples on the balls, Jetta was standing by for cleanup duties and fully committed to the job, Joanna titty fucked Kevin’s nut sack, Kevin made hilarious noises like someone was gonna chop his dick off, There were spiders crawling on Cumtard’s balls and he lost his god damn mind as soon as they made contact except that it wasn’t spiders it was actually some crazy biting worms, everybody lost their shit when Kevin had to leave the studio to clean up and yanked the Smartest Box In The World off his balls then had to walk to the bathroom past the law offices on the same floor as the studio, Jetta kept cleaning the balls (cocktail dress and wig and all), Kevin kept screaming like a small child being thrown over a cliff, Joanna put Ben-Gay on the balls and shit was not the slightest bit alright with that, then Joanna smacked him in the balls with a dildo and that just brought back the pain from the Ben-Gay, Katie put cockroaches on Kevin’s balls and Jetta fondled the hell out of them afterwards, Joanna slingshotted the balls with a rubber band several times, and we all learned that pop rocks can be activated when sprinkled on a man’s balls. It was this point in the show when the guys turned to the phones to finish everything out and recover form the hilarity that is Kevin Kraft recovering from a squirt of Ben-Gay to the nuts. Joanna noticed that Jetta’s dress still had the tag on it from Dress barn, and Jetta reported to everyone that he fully intends to return the dress cause all the odd looks he got on the walk in to the studio are too much for him, not like he had Ben-Gay and worms dumped all over his balls or anything, he just had to towel off some testicles in drag. There were some calls and stuff and they were all a lot of the same stuff, but not in the shitty way just the folks saying thanks and fist-bumping through the phone lines. Some folks asked for advice or shared stories about banging strippers or just give comments on how fun the show was today. Some guy called in with some Dogg The Bounty Hunter news, apparently he was at a wedding and started talking some mad shit to his wife out in the parking lot and she smashed a bottle on him and got arrested. Stay classy, America, remember when that guy was an icon? Before his kid revealed to the world that Dogg didn’t want him marrying a black girl cause they all couldn’t chill out with the N-word? Yeah, that guy. Nice job America. Don’t ever stop reminding yourself that you let that happen. Shout out. Heroin and butt fucking. While we’re at it, GET IT RIGHT WITH THE WHOLE DON’T DIE THING! IT’S NOT LIKE ELLIS HAS BEEN DOING IT FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS OR ANYTHING!!!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
So, you wanna know who lost the bet?
Here we go again, the moment you’ve all been waiting for – the Magical Mystery Miracle Monday Re-cap! It’s magical because I sprinkled fairy dust on it. It’s a mystery because I have no idea what I’m going to be writing. It’s a miracle because I don’t even know what I’m doing. Contrary to some beliefs, “midget” is not the preferred word you should be working into your vocabulary, it’s “little person” and Dingo agrees so that makes it true. Although you might not want to blindly put your faith in Dingo’s knowledge because he also thinks you could bust out “hashtag midgie” and be in the clear. Dingo texted Ellis while watching moto, he didn’t text Tully though – which is weird because Tully’s big time into moto. Also, he’s a sharp dressed man as of late, with his shirt, shoes, and hair. Anyway, Ken Roczen and Ryan Villopoto crashed at the start of a race and Dingo is way too excited about it. He’s also super excited about Ivan Tedesco being eaten by another rider’s bike. Ellis’ Russian neighbors are getting all “Shit Storm Is Coming” on him & Katie. They parked their shitbox across the driveway, essentially blocking it. Katie tells them they can’t park there and that starts the back-and-forth relations between the US and Russia. Ellis pulls up and notices the landlord (who’s an older gentleman) talking to the Ruskies and then see’s Vlad The Commie Bastard giving the old man the finger. So Ellis was all like “HEY!” and the Red was all like “пошел на хуй!” and then everyone got confused and we started talking about The CCCP people turning other peoples’ car stereos on? You can see how one could get confused with all this, thus creating further tensions in relations between the US and Russia. So… Oscars. Yeah. But no. You know the rules, I don’t write about that shit. I will tell you this though, there was a bet and the loser will have to cross-dress and take 5 selfies with strangers. So who’s the lucky guy that gets to be the fairest of them all? Break time!
You’re reneging on the bet?
Saturday, book signing, at a book store, not going to Trampoline World, going to another place, but you won’t know where unless you go to the book signing. More Oscars bullshit. Tully had a hot black chick with a shaved head smile really big at him at a bus stop. He turned away, looked back again – she’s still got a huge smile for him. He turns, looks back again, still all teeth. He turns again, she’s still smiling. Hot chick at a bus stop smiling maniacally. rules state that she’s bat shit crazy and you should walk away. Oh. Yeah. So you wanted to know who has to wear that dress, right? It’s Jetta. And Jetta is drawing the line at buying his own dress, mainly because he has such a hard time finding a dress that’s fun and exciting, but not too slutty. This led to a road we’ve all heard nearly every person on the show go down. The old, “I’m broke & don’t have enough time to go do this stuff” boulevard of broken dreams, because you know. They’re super busy in life, totally unlike the rest of the world. Turns out, he must have the world’s cutest puppy eyes because he’s been absolved from the bet and no longer has to go through with it. Hey, remember how they talked about using Skype on the show on Friday? Well today, they tried it out and it actually worked out pretty well, I assume because Sirius XM had no involvement in making it happen. HEYOH! Anyway, the Skype thing could really open some new possibilities for the show and fans alike. Break time!
Having fun in those strip clubs that don’t allow nudity?
Dingo has restless leg syndrome, or maybe he’s just hopped up on those energy drinks. Ellis is going to be Dr. Drew again tonight and he’s going on the Kevin & Bean show at some point during the week. It sounds like strip clubs in California suck ass, how is it a strip club if there are no bare titties? It’s weird, Florida strip clubs look like shit too, at least compared to St. Louis, where there are no tops, no bottoms, and the chick is going to be full on nude by the 3rd song. This brings up some ass talk, Tully’s not into big asses, Ellis is, but that’s no real surprise – black chicks are one of his weaknesses. More Skype calls, some chick was ready to get all blow jobby on the call, but that had to get shut down before word got back to NYC, which has Will’s nuts in jar. Will also tricked some poor unsuspecting female into Skyping with him. Poor girl will probably never be heard from again. Dingo says he’s never done any weird jerkoff sessions, which of course makes him a god damned liar and a likely candidate for super weird jerkoff sessions. This prompted some calls about dudes jerking off while in the driver’s seat, jerking off in a principal’s office, jerking off in a submarine, and other similar jerking off stories. We also got a clit story in there as well, because it’s unfair to others if the show is too dick-centric. Tully asked well known history buffs, Ellis and Dingo, a few questions about what happened on this day in history – such as when we bombed the “Hochi Man Trail” as a “fuck you, we’re outta here” to Vietnam. Or Helen Keller, the girl whose father famously invented the bra while she was busy murdering Polish people in Amsterdam. Or The National Anthem, which contrary to what they teach in schools, was written before Jimi Hendrix. This led us into final calls, which was pretty short actually. And that, my friends, ends this recap. And maybe your life. OH!